Chapter 11

Angry tears sprang to her eyes. She had known they were not hers to keep. She had known that all along. She's just expected a little more time, that was all. And still she was angry. Her fists bunched at her side and she wrapped her heart in anger to shore the crumbling pieces of it. And then she heard a muffled sob from the tub. She pulled the plastic curtain to the side and Emma was crouching inside with the baby in her arms, looking terror stricken, chin wobbling, eyes filled to the brim. "Oh, my god, Emma, what are you doing here?" The anger just melted away. Despite her best efforts.

"Who is it? Is he here for us? Did you tell him about Henry?"

"Emma_"

"Did you call the cops? You promised you wouldn't. You promised!"

"I didn't. Emma, there's no one here. We have a delivery downstairs. I got a few things for the baby. He needs things… stuff. He needs diapers and things and I… It was the delivery man. Lawrence. The delivery man." Where was the anger when she needed it?

Her own eyes were now threatening to overflow: in relief, in sorrow, in fear, in hope.

"You didn't tell me. It scared me. You scared me so much…"

"I'm sorry. I didn't… I just… You were asleep when I ordered things and you needed the rest… I'll bring it up. I…"

"Can you… d'you think you can help me out?" Regina took Henry from Emma and cradled him in her arms carefully before she helped Emma up. "I'm sorry… nothing works properly." Emma apologized, sniffling and wiping her nose with her cuff. "I'm sorry."

Regina stared at the baby in her arms, the perfect little face. "I thought you'd left. I thought you'd left again…" No, she couldn't hold on to anger if her life depended on it.

"I wanted to. When I thought the cops were here and they were going to take me back, that they were going to take Henry from me, I wanted to leave. I was leaving… I just didn't get very far."

"I wouldn't… Emma, I wouldn't call anyone. Please, trust me… I wouldn't."

"I don't… I mean… I don't know how to. The only guy I trusted made sure I never would again…"

Regina felt hate bubbling in her gut. Emma was right. She should show Neal what his love felt like.

"Come downstairs." She breathed Henry's sent in. It settled her, soothed her anxiety. "I got Henry some diapers."

… … …

Power returned to the cabin like magic when Emma was half way through exploring Regina's shopping spree. The light in the kitchen came on and startled them.

Regina shrunk into the sofa with Henry in her arms. This had Gold written all over it. Gold was a small, low key man but everyone in town had dealings with him that involved favors to be paid sooner or later. It struck fear in her to know that he had collected on someone and in the process ensured that she owed him too.

"Look at that… the power came back. Isn't it a weird time for power line repairs?"

It would have been, except Regina had a feeling that the lines had been repaired a long time ago, but that the power had been deliberately not restored. Mary Margaret was still punishing her in every way she could. Petty? Yes. But, Regina considered with a distracted hum of agreement, had the situation been reversed, she would have gone to the ends of the earth to make sure she hurt Mary Margaret. And there was no telling when she'd finally feel vindicated. She could, after all, hold onto resentment like few. Except with Emma, it seemed.

"Regina, I'm trying hard not to panic here… They kept you without power for so long… switching it back on now, after the Sheriff was here… what does it mean?"

"Whatever they think it means, Emma, is not what it is. I promise you."

"There's no such thing as a free meal, Regina. There is always a price."

At first, Regina was angry. "Is that why you slept with me, Emma? To pay your way around?" But then, there was only sadness. Something unbearably heavy. "I never asked you for payment. I never asked you for anything."

"Oh, God, Regina, I'm sorry, that's not what I meant, you know that!"

"No, Emma, I really don't. I get it that you were out of options when I brought you here. But you had one when we… when we… you really did. I never…" Stupid, stupid, stupid. Just shut up now. Just shut the hell up. She stood and was ready to walk away, to lock herself in her room, but she had a baby in her arms and was, it seemed, unable to let go. She settled for going into the kitchen, switching the lights off. She pulled the baby to her shoulder and let her face fall against the little back still wrapped in her best pajamas. What was she doing, dear god? She wanted to protect Emma and she wanted to protect herself but, it seemed, she could not do both at the same time.

A pair of arms wrapped around her waist and Emma's head snuggled against her shoulder and neck. "I told you I'd fuck up."

Regina's hand went to Henry's head and cradled it as if protecting him from Emma's curse words but other than that, she made no move. This felt all wrong and blessedly right all in the same moment. And she was out of words. Out of words and out of heart to say them even if she had them. The thought that Emma might be what Gold had said and the feeling that she was, really, just someone who'd had to fight for herself every step of the way made her heart strings pull in opposite directions.

"I don't know how to trust, Regina. I'm really sorry. You did all of this and the first thing that occurs to me is of you selling me out for power in your light bulbs. I'm sorry. I don't know how to even begin to apologize."

"I didn't sell you out."

"I didn't know that."

"And now?"

"And now_" The phone rang, breaking the spell of Emma's words drizzling through Regina's neck and shoulders, slippery down her skin, permeating into her heart. The phone broke the contact even if Regina had not immediately identified it as such.

She handed Henry to Emma and moved to answer with a feeling of foreboding slowing her steps. "Hello?"

"I trust that you've had power returned to your lovely cabin, Ms Mills." Gold's voice crackled down the line.

She turned to Emma, her breathing heavy and guilty. "Mr. Gold!"

The incipient smile in Emma's pretty face dwindled and died an agonizing death.

"Shall I take that as yes?"

"Indeed, power as been restored."

"Good! Good, good, good."

"Mr. Gold, I was told once that there is no such thing as a free meal. I'm not sure what you expect to gain from this but_"

"Now, now, deary. Let's call it a random act of kindness. Nothing more, nothing less. A young widow such as yourself needs someone on her side. At least every once in a while. But let me remark on the fact that it is a strange thing for a woman such as yourself to say. I was well acquainted with your dear father and mother and I had not expected their only beloved daughter to have turned out such a cynic."

"Call it whatever you want, Mr. Gold, but facts are facts."

"Yes… Storybrooke has not treated you kindly." The oily tone was making Regina's stomach churn acid.

"And just why are we discussing that?"

"We aren't. Not at all. I was merely stating a fact."

"Mr. Gold. Thank you for your assistance in this matter. Have a pleasant evening."

"Deary… maybe I could just remind you that I am worried about my kin. Maybe ask you to keep your eyes peeled for what's mine. It would ease my heart greatly."

"Thus cementing my assessment that there is no free anything."
"Ms Mills… She is a vulnerable child. She just needs someone to look out for her. An angel, if you will. Someone who can look beyond the lies and the manipulations and give her what she needs. I am not asking for myself, you understand? I'm asking for her and the child she carries."

"I will keep my huh… eyes peeled, Mr. Gold."

"Thank you kindly, Ms Mills. Have a good evening."

The noise of the phone sitting on the cradle was like thunder cracking.

"You didn't tell him." Emma stated blankly.

"No."

"He did it so that you would owe him, didn't he?"

"Yes, he did."

"But you're not turning me in…"

"No, Emma, I'm not. You don't need to talk like a fugitive, though. You'll be eighteen in a few days. He can't take you back. You'll be an adult then."

"He can't take me back now, Regina, he's not my father or anything."

"Then why are you so scared of him? Face him. He can't take Henry away from you. I'll help you. I'll do whatever… Emma… I have money. A lot of it, in fact. When Leopold died, he left me some money… I can help you. Just because he's Henry's grandfather, it doesn't mean he can take him away. No one can do that. We can get a lawyer and_"

Emma slumped on the sofa littered with diapers and baby clothes still in their packages. "I didn't exactly tell you the truth, Regina…"

Sometimes, evil is staring you right in the face and it looks pretty, you know?

Regina picked up a tiny green onesie and forced her fingers to relax around the material. She wished Emma would not tell her anything, she wished Emma would not confess anything at all. She wished that Emma would leave when she was fed up or ready to go and leave her to her illusions and that would be the end of it.

"I didn't get out of jail free… I didn't finish my time. If you call the Sheriff or Gold… I'll go to jail again."
"Emma… please, I beg you, don't feed any more sob stories. I swear to you, you can have whatever you want. I'll be quiet, you can stay here, you can leave… Anything. Anything at all. Just don't lie to me. I can live with the truth. Just… the truth, please, Miss Swan."

"It is the truth, Regina. You can call and check what happened. There is a warrant for my arrest. I wasn't in so much trouble before I escaped. Now I am. Now if I go back, I'll go back for a long time. Look at me, Regina… Look at me." Henry yawned and made little gurgling sounds, content in Emma's arms. "They don't allow kids in jail. And what Gold wants is to prove Henry is better off without me. And he will. Without breaking a sweat."

Regina stood and busied herself with putting wrappers and torn packages away. She folded the cardboard neatly for kindling and jammed the plastic in a bag. She made the task last because she needed time to think. She needed to sort out what to do, who to believe. She needed to tidy up her heart.

Emma stayed silent, gently rocking Henry.

By the time she ran out of things to put away, Regina had made up her mind though she was not even aware: there was no way she would send Emma to face whatever was terrifying her so much, whether Gold was a concerned parent or a baby snatcher that would send Emma to jail. She liked hearing Emma's footsteps around the house. She liked the smell of burnt toast when Emma attempted breakfast. She liked the broken glasses and dishes that ended up in the trash can after each time Emma did the dishes. She liked the space that Emma took in the small cabin and the cold water that was left for her showers when Emma was finished with hers. And god help her, but she was in love with Henry, with his cries, with his peaceful gurgles, with each of his little fingers, with each dirty makeshift diaper that had ruined her wardrobe.

Truth was, she wanted them both in her life. No matter the cost.

She'd be whatever Emma needed her to be: a mother or a lover. A friend, a teacher, a babysitter. Maybe just someone to hold her hand. A free meal. Whatever it was that Emma needed from her was better that what she'd had so far.

The alternative was what she'd had now: an emptiness that would not be filled.

She sat next to Emma. "Are there any more lies that I should know about?"

"No."

"Half truths?"

"The car I was driving was not mine. It was stolen. I didn't hurt anyone to get it, I swear. It was just parked there for a couple of days and Neal and I… we just helped ourselves. That car and Henry… it was all I had from Neal. But that's it."

"You really are an orphan?"

"Not an orphan… An orphan had parents at some time. I was abandoned, hours old, at the side of a road. No more lies, Regina."

"Did you sleep with me because you were afraid I'd kick you out?"

"No!"

"I swear I'll slap you if you tell me you did it because you love me."

"Regina…"

"The truth, Emma. That's all."

"I was horny. I was lonely. Sometimes that's reason enough, no?"

"And I was there, handy…"

"It's not like that."

"It could have been anyone, Emma."

"So what? Have you been holding out for what? True love? A knight in shining armor?" Regina's silence resonated shock and heartbreak. "Oh god… You have… Oh shit! Regina, I… Look, it's not like that. I swear. You were kind to me. No one was ever kind to me like that, without expecting anything, despite all the shit I said. You were nice and you're pretty. You're really pretty, you know and… sometimes, things just feel right even when you don't know why. It felt right. That first time, when I woke up and you were there… it felt like… like…"

"What? What did it feel like?" Regina managed to push through the knot in her throat, leaning towards the words despite the hurt still flowing in her blood like fire. Hope, it seemed, springs eternal and drowns out common sense and self preservation.

Emma fought the need to be that knight in shining armor tooth and nail, valiantly, despite feeling like she was loosing ground with every second. "Like… I… All my life, I only got pushed around, into houses, out of them, into things, into doing things. I didn't really… There was not much choice. Not for me… That first time… It felt like I had a choice… not to be alone… not to be angry… not to be sad all the time. You don't have to believe me, Regina. But it's true. It felt like I had a choice…"

Everything hurt inside Regina. The bones, the skin, the organs, the hair… as if everything was rearranging itself into a new order, a new place. It hurt so good. So many ways in which to break a heart.

She sat back and leaned against the sofa, exhausted as if she'd run miles without a breath of air. She felt Emma moving gingerly on the sofa and then the warmth of the baby's body against her and her arms instinctively opened to hold him close to her heart.

"Please say something."

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of this." She moved Henry tighter against her and rubbed her cheek against the soft downy blond hair on his head. "Of asking you to stay."

"Why?"

"Because I know that you'll have to leave."

"You say that like you're chained to this place. The world is so big, Regina…"

Regina hummed something that might have been agreement but did not elaborate. For the moment, this, Henry in her arms, Emma snuggling against her was enough.

It was enough, she told herself. And it would have to be enough once Emma left.

… … …

Spring came in late. April still saw a few flurries of snow and then May came with rain showers, thunderstorms and the first blooms. There had been a time Regina had promised herself she'd go where it's warm all year, where you go around in shorts in December. Some things are not meant to be. But there was a comfort to that lateness of spring and a sorrow that came with it, a worry. The roads were finally clear and the days were longer. They had ventured with Henry outside, into the cold air and it all hammered the point home that Emma would be leaving soon.

It wasn't safe for her here. Gold was too close. Too interested in Regina. He had called several times, asking if there was anything she required. And even if Regina had been careful with her grocery run not to raise suspicions, Graham had still come into the store, fresh out of bed, sleep in his eyes when she'd been at the grocery shop as soon as it opened. Coincidence it was not. It made Regina nervous but she held her own. She was buying nothing out of the ordinary, nothing too much, nothing she hadn't bought before. And still, Graham was there, trying to chit chat, which he never did, not in all the years she'd known him. She returned home, anxious to find that Emma was peacefully nursing Henry nestled in bed, warm and content. She couldn't bring herself to break that moment. It wasn't like they didn't know they were on borrowed time.

But every time the phone rang, they were reminded of the fact.

… … …

The watched Titanic. And Alien. All four films. All illegally download, much to Regina's horror. They had microwave popcorn.

Emma nursed Henry and Regina drew them both in that intimate moment. It helped Regina step back, it helped her remember that she was part of that only temporarily. That in truth, she was kidding herself and she was but a witness to that bond, not a part of it.

She drew Emma in her sleep and Henry when he was awake, just looking at her as if he knew all her secrets and had something he couldn't wait to tell her.

She filled pages and pages of sketches and completed pieces. She worked diligently like an ant stocking up for winter.

… … …

Regina heard the car first. She stood up and went to the window and there was nothing to see yet, but she knew someone was coming.

"Hide!"

"What?"

"Someone's coming." Emma stood with Henry and looked around her. There was nowhere to hide.

"The shed."

"The car will be here before you can get in. The bathroom. Go in and stay there. Go Emma, go." Feverishly, she collected all of the baby paraphernalia- the diapers, the clothes, the toys, the toiletries and jammed them all where it would fit- under the sofa, in the cupboards in the kitchen, in her pockets. Then she brushed her hair, wiped the sweat from her face and the panic form her eyes, settled the frenzy before she walked out where Graham was already walking towards the house, looking around himself as if he expected to be ambushed.

"Sheriff. Are you missing any more troubled teenagers?"

"No. Still the same. Can we talk?"

"What about? Am I a suspect in her disappearance?"
"Let's talk, Gina."

"It's Ms Mills, if you please, Sheriff."

"The hell it is. I've known you for far too long and I know when you're hiding something. I just hope, for your sake, you're not hiding a fugitive, Gina, 'cause that's a felony."

"Fugitive?"

"I did some digging and Gold finally came clean: the girl's got a record, Gina, for theft."

"Well, that's quite exciting for a little town like Storybrooke. Are you going to be the tough cop that brings her in, Sheriff?"

"It gets better. It gets much better. She escaped from prison. So there is a warrant for her arrest."

"Gets better for whom, Graham? I told you I haven't seen her, why are you so hell-bent on taking my time with things that are in no way related to me?"

"Because, Gina, I don't believe you. I told you, I know when you're hiding something and you are. You're hiding her. Did loneliness finally get to you? Don't you see how dangerous someone like this really is? Or didn't she even tell you this?" Graham growled in frustration. "Why, Gina? Why would you do it? You're putting yourself at risk and all for what? Huh? Wasn't all of what happened before enough? People are just starting to forget. You do this now and it'll start all over."

"I'm not putting anything at risk, Sheriff. I have never come across such a violent criminal. What on earth makes you even entertain that idea?"

"Because you're different."

"Sheriff_"

"Dammit it, Gina, Graham. Fucking call me Graham. I miss you, alright? I miss what we had."

"And just what was it that we had, Graham? The sneaking around? The sex in the old patrol car reeking of Leroy's piss? Just what was it that was so good? Was it the bruises that you never seemed to see? Or that I was slowly dying? Was that attractive to you? Romantic?"

"You know I was in a difficult position_"

"Really, Graham? Were you the one being beaten up on a weekly basis? Were you the one being_" The words dried out in her throat but she had to get it out. Now she had to get it out. "Were you the one being ra_ being… were you, Graham?"

"We had a good thing, Gina. We could do better now. I could do better. It was a long time ago…"

"Not enough time for me." Regina whispered as Graham ploughed on.

"… and Storybrooke will forget… they will forgive you. Just give then a good thing, something to focus on."

"Like what Graham? What else do you want me to give them?"

"Us. Give them us. Leave this place. Get a small place in town, let yourself be seen…"
"With you?"

"Yes, with me. Nine years, Regina. It's long enough. Be with me. We'll go out together and be seen together. They'll get used to the idea and… and… it's going to be good, I promise."

"No, Graham…"

"It's going to be good. Don't you want that? To walk in Storybrooke with your head held high? No more insults, not more aggression… It's going to be good, Gina. Don't you think we've waited long enough?"

"I was not waiting for you Graham. I was not waiting for anyone."

"You're hurt. I hurt your feelings, I know, but_"

"Stop saying that, Graham. Stop it!" Regina shouted and backed up against the wall, because all her little rebellions, every single one of them had always ended in hurt, in punishment. It was an instinct, that pulling back, that retreating into safer ground.

… … …

The ground was slipping from under his feet. Why couldn't she see it, that it was finally time for them? This was it, the time was right. He wanted her, fiercely, in a way that he'd never felt before. Not with anyone else, not with her either. He wanted her now. He wanted his hands on her, he wanted her under him. He didn't want anyone around her.

When she said stop, it felt like he was down to a last chance: he moved into her space and pressed his body against hers, trapping her between himself and the wall. He hadn't meant it like a threat but he had to, he just had to. She was being tricked. She was being pulled from his hands and he had to show her, he had to make her see, to make her remember. He grabbed her face between his fingers and pressed a kiss on her, waiting for the moment she would surrender like she always had. But the moment just wasn't coming. She just didn't understand, she just didn't. He tried to deepen the kiss, to push his tongue past her lips. He held her arm above her head. He had missed her, he had missed this. And he was going to get it back. He was going to get it back for himself.

She just had to see, to remember. He let go of her face and with his now free hand, cupped her breast. She just had to remember.

The vicious bite on his lip took him by surprise, had him whimpering.

… … …

Regina felt her body frozen when Graham grabbed her face and forced the kiss. It was all those years back and he was Leopold and she was just too terrified to move, to react, to push him away. She just froze.

But then his hand grabbed her breast and this time Leopold would not hurt her, he was done hurting her because Henry was in the house, because he was her Lieutenant Ripley. Because she could save herself. She wanted to save herself.

The spell broke and she moved to push Graham away from her and then it was like watching from a different place: She was standing against the wall, pressed against it, but not defeated, not overwhelmed, not cowered. With all the power she could muster, intent on hurting, like an elastic band pulled too far. It just snapped. She carved her teeth where she could.

"I said No."

"Gina!" She couldn't decide whether Graham meant it as an admonition or a plea but either way, she was done. She pushed him further away from her and from the cabin, from her home, intent on closing the door behind her, close Graham off because the mere fact she had resisted now, did not mean she could do it again. In fact, she was quite certain she would be politely collapsing on the floor against the door as soon as it was closed because all the strength had now deserted her; she felt like an empty balloon, overstretched and used and empty.

She walked into the door without further word or comment and that incensed Graham further. He walked in behind her, stopping her from closing the door with a well placed foot between the door and the jamb and then pushed the door in and marched into her living room, into her house.

"Where is she? Where the hell are you hiding the girl, Gina?"

"Get out!" It came out a squeaky sound that lacked strength. "Get out!" But she was not going to cry. She'd done enough of that for the last eighteen years. She summoned the last of her strength, all that was left. "You are not welcome here, Graham. Do not come in."
"I'm going to find that girl and I'm going to take her back to where she belongs. And you, Gina, better call your lawyer because you're going to need one. You're aiding and abetting. You're going to jail too." He moved around her living room lifting things out of the way, moving books and logs as if a fully grown human could hide under such small objects. But maybe, he wasn't looking. Maybe he was just punishing her.

"Get out Graham, get the hell out!" A gun. She had a gun somewhere. She had Daddy's gun. "Get out of my house, Graham." Graham came from the kitchen and looked at the stairs. Regina saw his gaze and knew that all was lost. Graham ran to the stairs and climbed them three at a time. Regina took the gun and yelled again and again "Get out, Graham, get out of my house." But when she reached the first floor, he was already in her bedroom, walking into the bathroom, pulling the shower curtain. "Graham!" She called one final time, the gun in her hand, her finger twitching on the trigger. "I asked you to get out."

Graham stared Regina in the face and moved to the wardrobe. Regina blinked trying to aim true. She took a few more steps for precision and inevitability. Her hand shook because she would do whatever she needed to do. And then Graham opened the wardrobe.

Emma was sitting on the ground, knees pulled to her chest, looking so incredibly small.

Graham pulled her up by the arm from closest.

"You're coming with me."

Regina cocked the trigger and Graham looked up, shocked.

"No, she's not."