Bitter Memory

Eight days had passed since the day we encountered the golden bird, which we had named Garuda. That mission was a total disaster. Jackal had been seriously wounded, and we had been forced to abandon the recon mission and summon the medical team. Gina, Shun, and myself had all managed to escape with no serious injuries, but I wished I could say the same about Jackal. He almost died several times before we could even get back to base. Don't misunderstand me, the medical team was amazing. Jackal had lost a lot of blood, and he suffered a severe muscle tear to his shoulder, but he was alive. The physical wounds should heal quickly, thanks to the regenerative abilities he has as a God Eater.

If only the same could be said for his mental condition. Ever since that day, he'd been so… distant. He would just stare into nothingness, not even seeming to understand what I was saying. It was as if I was speaking another language, or like he wasn't hearing me. I knew he was alert, because he would occasionally glance my way with a vague curiosity. In fact, it reminded me a little of how bewildered he was when he first came to The Valley. I've been told it's not amnesia again, but it was upsetting all the same.

I'd been just plodding along lately, busying myself with any mission Hibari would give me. I've taken several missions since last week, but to be honest, it's been a bit mechanical. Kill this Aragami, kill that Aragami: nothing really changed. It's the same thing as always. And I've been successful on each one, no serious injuries or other problems. Yet, it was hollow for me. I felt empty, like something was incomplete.

I sat on the edge of the rooftop, just looking out over the base as I tried to grasp what just happened. Where was the free-wheeling, happy Jackal I'd known for so long? I wanted so badly to hold his hand, to tell him that everything was going to be okay. Sadly, the reality was that he was not okay. A thought occurred to me just then; he's been the one who's been encouraging me when I was recovering, and now it was my turn to help him. I stood to my feet and nodded to myself. Maybe he was just tired from all he's been through. I should go and cheer him up. I just had to stay strong, for him.

I went back to the elevator and left the rooftop, heading for the infirmary. When I got there, I saw a familiar God Eater leaving the room. It was the same medic who was making care of my injuries after Tsuchinoko nearly killed me, Sakuya.

"Oh, hello Robin," she greeted me as she pulled the door shut behind her, "You seem to be doing well lately."

"I'm okay, I guess," I answered her, "How's Jackal? Is he doing any better?"

"About that…" Sakuya looked back towards the room, then wrote a few notes down on the clipboard she was carrying, "I wouldn't go in there right now if I were you, he's not exactly too happy."

That's progress, isn't it? "But he's showing an emotion, right?"

"Yeah, a breakthrough. Finally. But it isn't the best of times to speak with him. He still isn't his old self."

A little spark of hope lit up in me. He's speaking again! That's a start. I had to try for him, that's what he'd do for me. "But if he's finally coming back to his senses, maybe all he needs is a little push to return back to how he was." I reached for the doorknob as Sakuya stepped aside.

"Well, good luck. You're gonna need it."

"Er… okay, thanks?" I answered as Sakuya left, still writing notes. That was a little ominous. What did she mean by that? I shook off the thought and summoned up my nerve again. I opened the door to find Jackal on his hands and knees on the floor. He was clawing his way to his feet and trying to get back into bed, but he was still weak and unsteady.

"Jackal!" I ran to his side and took his hand. Jackal stared at me blankly as I helped him into his bed. Then, I saw a flicker of recognition cross his face. I smiled at him warmly. Seeing even a hint of his personality return was encouraging! Maybe some small talk would perk him up more.

After making sure he was situated, I took a seat in a chair at his bedside. "So, how have you been?"

"Other than the occasional pain, I've been fine." My smile broadened to hear his words. At least he seemed to be recovering well. Good. He gave me a slightly curious look, "How about you? Have you been on a ton of missions?"

"A few." That was kind of an understatement. I've been on twelve missions since then. I decided to give him a few highlights from my outings. As I recapped my missions, I started to notice Jackal spacing out again. He kept looking past me, staring off into space as if daydreaming.

"I feel sorry for you." His sudden words interrupted me, and I halted mid-spiel.

"Huh? Why's that?" I asked.

Jackal continued his deadpan stare. "Every time you are out there, you are putting your life on the line. If we compare your life to mine, I am more likely to live longer. I'm stuck in the infirmary and therefore don't have to fight for my life, unlike you."

"What?" Was that… pity? We're both God Eaters. He faced the same exact dangers I did. What was he saying? No, it was not pity. This was despair. I had to bite my lip to stop from crying. I had to get out of here. I couldn't cry in front of him!

"I… I…"

"As long as I'm in here, I don't have to..." Jackal seemed like he was trying to justify his words, but I wasn't able to restrain my emotions anymore. In fact, this reminded me too much of something from my past that I wanted to forget. Sometimes, I envied Jackal's amnesia

"I have to go! I'm sorry!"

I turned and ran out of the infirmary just as the tears started to come. I ran down the hallway, now starting to sob. I had to veer aside to avoid running into Alisa, who was chatting with Sakuya at the end of the hallway by the lift. I slammed a fist into the call button and waited what felt like an eternity for the elevator to arrive. I thought I heard the girls talking more, but I wasn't listening. I didn't care. Without saying a word, I rushed into the open doors, and pushed the close button. I briefly saw Alisa and Sakuya giving me concerned looks as the doors shut.

Jackal had been acting so strangely ever since he'd regained consciousness five days ago. When I first visited him, he was… distant. Aloof. He'd barely even responded to anything I'd said. Now that he'd finally started talking again, I felt even worse. I wanted to hear him say something, anything. I got my wish, but what he did say was jaded and pessimistic. This was not Jackal, the real Jackal would not have been so defeated. It was almost as if something had broken inside him, leaving a hollow mockery of who he once was. That was distressing. No, it was more than just "distressing." Seeing the cheerful optimism I'd come to admire replaced with this was just unbearable! It hurt so much to see him like this.

Maybe I should've listened to Sakuya and not come to see him just yet. I'm a naïve idiot.

The lift didn't even make it back all the way to the roof before I screamed in anguish. This was far too familiar. I was losing my best friend again, and it was my fault, again! The moment the doors opened, I raced out onto the rooftop. It had started raining, but I couldn't care less. Let it come. I flopped sullenly back at the place on the edge where I was sitting earlier. I buried my face in my arms and sobbed into my hands. How could this happen again? Once was bad enough. Last time this happened to me, I lost my family and my best friend. Now it was happening again!

Why me?

"Isn't it cold out here?" I looked up, and was surprised to find that Alisa had followed me outside. If the rain was bothering her, she wasn't showing it. I shook my head and stared over the precipice at the base below us. I didn't really want company right now, but I couldn't be bothered to tell Alisa that. If she wanted to join me, then whatever. She shouldn't expect me to exactly be a social butterfly right now though.

Alisa lowered herself to the ledge and sat right beside me. Oh, great, was she going to chat with me right now? "You looked pretty upset, so I came after you. Sakuya thought you looked suicidal. I didn't think so, but I thought you might need someone to talk to. So, I followed you just to make sure." I shook my head slowly. Did I look that bad? I know I can get dramatic when I lose my cool, but suicidal!? Maybe I let my emotions get away from me just now.

Alisa put a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "Are you sure?"

I nodded once slowly, and stared down again. When I didn't reply more than that, she continued, "I can't say I know what you're thinking, but I can sympathize. It hurts to see your friends like that..."

She was nothing if not persistent. I slowly looked up and found Alisa smiling kindly at me. I allowed myself to smile back slightly, then felt shameful for smiling at a time like this. I was in no mood for clichés and false pity. "Don't claim to know what I feel. You don't know." I said, instantly regretting how harsh I sounded. Why couldn't she just go?

"You're right. I don't know exactly what you're feeling." A long silence passed between us. When I didn't say anything, she continued again, "I'll tell you why I think I can at least understand where you're coming from. I lost both my parents to a Deusphage when I was I kid. I had the hardest time dealing with that. For a long time, I'd completely melt down if I saw any of the Vajra line. I still have flashbacks sometimes." Alisa was being rather matter-of fact. I, meanwhile, was a bit thunderstruck. Maybe we had more in common than I thought.

"I'll never forget my past, but I don't dwell on it anymore." Alisa smiled as if recalling something pleasant, and she stared up into the rain. "If there's one thing the old Captain taught me, it's that you can't deal with things like this on your own. It's healthier to share the burden." Alisa turned back to me, "Talk to me, Robin. Help me help you."

Maybe she was right. It'd feel a little better to have a confidant. Maybe. I decided to tell her my story, but I knew she wasn't going to enjoy this tale nearly as much as she thought she would. "Get comfy, it's going to take some explaining…"

Alisa shifted her weight on her perch. "I'm not busy. Take all the time you need."

I looked up at the sky. Where could I begin? "I think you know that I have hemophilia, right?"

"Yeah?" Alisa was watching me intently, waiting for me to continue.

"Well, I grew up in a very poor family of three on a little satellite base far to the south of here. It took its name from an ancient name for the area: Ryukyu. My father and my mother were both scavengers. Dad was killed by a rival gang when I was five, and Mom died giving birth to me. I never knew my parents that well. I also had two elder brothers, Kaito and Ichiro. Kaito was six years older than me, and Ichiro was fifteen years older than me. Kai was the kind of guy who never said much, but meant what he did have to say. Ichiro, now he was the smoothest talker I'd ever seen. I swear he could've talked an Ogretail out of its meal. He was the closest thing Kai and I had to a father."

Alisa gave me a concerned look. "Sounds like that was hard for you."

I shrugged. "It was the only life I knew, so I guess I didn't know any different. Everyone pretty much knew everyone else at Ryukyu, so it did get a little boring at times because we were a small place. We were out on a little atoll off the coast, so it wasn't like we could just go visit a neighboring base. Because of our location, Fenrir was pretty slow to deliver supplies. We didn't even have any God Eaters to protect us. We had to improvise for almost everything. That went double for medical supplies. That's why my condition was such a huge problem for Ryukyu. When I get hurt, I heal much slower than others do. Before I became a God Eater, it wasn't uncommon for me to get laid up for weeks over a minor wound. I couldn't work the scavenger trade because it was too dangerous. It was tough to make ends meet, mostly because my medical supplies were so expensive. We had bills piling up because of my treatments. My brothers encouraged me to do whatever I could to work and not let my disability stop me, so I worked odd jobs and gathered scrap that washed ashore."

"You grew up a scavenger?"

I nodded at Alisa's question. "Sort of. I also did everything from housecleaning to construction."

"Huh. I can't say I know much about that kind of life. At least being on an island meant there weren't much Aragami, I hope."

I nodded again. "It was pretty quiet most of the time. But things all changed in an instant. One day about a year ago, a boat washed up on the beach by my house. It was the biggest find I'd ever seen, and I was all excited. It was really ratty, and didn't seem seaworthy anymore. Even in that state, it'd be worth several thousand fc. I was checking it out, when I saw something. Lying in the boat under a pile of rags was this unconscious boy with a red armlet. He was half-drowned, badly injured, and near death."

"Goodness!" Alisa seemed shocked at what I said. "He was lucky that you found him. Did stuff like that happen often?"

I shook my head. "That was the first time anything like that happened in Ryukyu. I knew he'd die if I left him, so I brought him home to help him. I learned that his name was Hinata. He was a God Eater, escorting a fishing fleet trawling further north. While out a few days prior, his fleet had been attacked by Aragami. Hinata had become separated from the fleet, and his boat was damaged. Hinata had told me that he thought he was going to die all alone. I felt really bad for him. My brothers weren't terribly happy that I brought home another mouth to feed. Kai in particular wanted to kick Hinata out as soon as he was able to walk. I had to beg my brothers to let him stay. Ichiro agreed to let Hinata stay with us, provided he could pull his weight. Once he'd recovered, which only took a week I might add, Hinata was all too eager to return the favor. He told us he owed us his life, and he was willing to work for us as long as it took to repay the debt. Turns out Hinata was the best thing that happened to our family in a long time. He was a very diligent worker, and he had this inspiring, cheerful attitude too. He never once complained about having to work." I started toying with a stray strand of hair that had fallen out of my ponytail. "I admit, I was head-over-heels for him."

I felt a blush come on as I continued with a smile, "He was amazing. Strong, kind, inspiring, handsome… much more than a girl like me could ever have. He was a God Eater, so he could pick pretty much any girl he desired. So, imagine my surprise when I learned it was me he wanted. Ichiro thought it was the funniest thing ever that a God Eater would fall for some sickly village girl, and he used to tease us. But Kaito was behind me the whole way, and he encouraged us. I was completely star-struck though, and I couldn't care less if either of them approved. It was nice that Kai did, at least. Even Ichiro eventually warmed up to us being an item, especially once I learned I was a match for the God Eater program. They were proud to have a God Eater in the family, even a future one."

Alisa giggled at me, and I gave her a look. "What? Did I say something funny?"

Alisa's grin grew further, "No. I just couldn't help noticing you smile just now. You seemed really happy. I haven't ever seen you smile like that before. You must really love him."

"I did," I said with a forlorn tone, "It was pretty much love at first sight for us. We were inseparable."

Alisa's face dropped. "You keep using past tense. Did something happen?"

My face fell as I recalled, "Yeah. Four months ago, Ryukyu was attacked by a huge swarm of Aragami, all lead by a Quetzalcoatl. Remember how I said there were no God Eaters at Ryukyu? That was because we'd never seen even so much as a Zygote there, let alone a Deusphage. It was a massacre. We were cut down like a field of wheat. Hinata fought so hard to protect us. He was brave to the last. But… nobody survives a point-blank missile, not even a God Eater. I only survived because I was buried under the rubble of our house. I would've died out there if Hinata hadn't sounded an SOS during the attack. I was saved by a rescue team sent from a nearby base, but I was badly hurt. During my treatment, I learned that a God Arc had been found for me. I also learned the fate of Ryukyu. Every man, woman, and child in Ryukyu was gone, my brothers were gone, and my boyfriend was gone. I had nothing to go back to."

"So, I threw myself right into being a God Eater. I was transferred immediately to a tiny little base up by Mount Fuji. It's called The Valley. I trained there, just burying myself in my job. I wanted to forget my past, but… one does not just forget something like that. I isolated myself from my peers and just kept to myself. It was lonely, but I was too afraid to open up. About two months later, Jackal came along. He just showed up out of nowhere, and he had no memories. At first, I just thought he was annoying; he kept following me around and asking question after question. I eventually came to like his company. Now, I feel like he's the only one I can trust completely. I feel like he's helped me open back up, but I still have trouble trusting people. Maybe its escapism to act like this, but… I guess I'm still having a hard time." I lowered my head again. "I'm sorry."

Alisa shook her head. "What? No, no, it's me who should be apologizing! I made you tell a story like that… I'm sorry."

"Now you know." I said briskly as I stared below again.

I didn't know how long we just sat in the rain before she said, "Shouldn't we get inside? I think the storm's worsening."

I was so lost in thought that I didn't even realize the rain had gotten this bad! What was once a mere drizzle was now a downpour. I was soaked to the bone. I saw that Alisa looked pretty drenched too. I stood back up. "I didn't even notice! Sor-"

Alisa cut me off. "Stop apologizing, Robin. It's not like God Eaters can get the cold. Even if I could catch a cold, it'd be worth it. You look better."

I looked quizzically at her and said, "I look better? I look like a wet cat."

That made Alisa laugh. "If you're a wet cat, then I'm a fish! Let's go dry off. Oh, and when you're done, meet up with me in the lobby. I took a mission and I need your help. I think a mission will help you vent some stress."

"Really?" I asked as I made my way to the lift, "What's the plan?"

"I need some help with a problem Aragami that popped up in the Sunken Grid. Oh, Kota and Lindow are coming too."

"I don't mind. What's the target?"

"It's a Susano'o, I hope that's okay."

I take it back. I do mind if a Deusphage is the target! "A Susano'o?!"

"We really need you, Robin. That thing has already taken out an entire caravan that was passing through. We can't afford to leave that Aragami be."

I nodded in resignation. I wasn't sure I was ready for this, but if it's killed people already then Alisa was right. I couldn't let it be. "Alright. I'll come. Just give me a chance to dry off, and I'll meet up with you soon."