A/N: sorry for the delay guys, I've just been in a really bad place, and it's been hard to get my head in the zone :(
X
''So what's this all about…''
Quinn's stomach was in knots. Mercedes had showed her into the large sitting area attached to the bedroom through a connecting door. She thought she heard the soft snoring of Sam coming from the sleeping quarters but shrugged it off as they moved to sit side by side on the sofa. Quinn thought she might actually have to spill everything to her friend.
''Have you-''
''I just wanted to-''
They started at the same time.
''You go first,'' Quinn encouraged and quieted herself.
Mercedes clasped her hands together and went on. ''I called you because I feel really bad about what happened earlier. I overreacted.''
''Hey, no, emotions were running really high.'' Quinn shook her head. There was no need for Mercedes to apologize for anything. ''And Santana and Brittany were acting a little nutty. They know that and they feel badly.''
''I hope you don't think anything I said at the bachelorette party was aimed at you though. You've been a trooper and I know that this maid of honor stuff must have been really hard for you.''
Quinn tried to smile but it ended up looking like a really painful wince. ''Yeah but I'm really happy for you.''
''Quinn,'' Mercedes said firmly with a raise of her perfect brows. She didn't buy that smile for a second.
Quinn dropped the wincy smile and allowed herself to exhale. ''Okay. It hasn't been easy for me, no, but it's worth it. I mean...you are my favorite B-face. I was going to make sure you got your special big day, even if I had to shut down the biggest bitch alive to make it happen...even if that bitch was me.''
''You've done a lot for me, for this wedding. You've put your own shit aside in order to be here for me...so...'' Mercedes smiled warmly and placed a hand on top of one of Quinn's and squeezed affectionately. ''I just want you to know I appreciate you and everything you've done to get me to this day. You're a good friend.''
Quinn looked deeply into the eyes of Mercedes and saw nothing but gratitude and love and she couldn't help but think she didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve those small but powerful words of support. Mercedes was too kind, too generous of a person that she couldn't even see how increasingly unpleasant Quinn had become over the last several months as she went about performing her maid of honor duties. All Mercedes had seen, all Mercedes could see was Quinn being generous and strong.
Quinn knew she wasn't always the warmest of friends but here Mercedes was giving her a moment of her time on the night before her wedding to show her thanks for coming through, for putting aside everything else to be there for her fellow B-face.
Mercedes was a better friend than she could ever be.
''Are you okay?'' Mercedes asked as Quinn began to tear up.
''Yeah, I just ah, I need to go to the bathroom,'' Quinn said with a shutter and stood. ''I'm just going to go…''
In an awkward rush she excused herself and shut herself within the washroom. She went to the sink and gripped the sides of it as she began to examine her own reflection.
Mercedes deserved better than her. Mercedes deserved the truth. And the truth was Quinn had done something horrible. Mercedes deserved to know about the dress.
Even if that meant losing her friendship, even if that meant never being forgiven. It was the right thing she told herself, the honest thing.
As the pressure and the anxiety took over and invaded her body Quinn found herself resorting to a weird unhealthy itch she hadn't scratched in a very long time. This night was becoming too much for her to handle and she wasn't sure she could do it anymore. Not without some form of release, however warped.
She lifted the toilet seat and lid with a heel and then went to turn the faucet on where she ran two fingers under the tap. And while she used her other hand to pull her hair back and to the side she began to insert her moistened fingers into her mouth.
''What are you doing?'' Mercedes asked as she opened the door without knocking and surveyed the scene before her. The open lidded toilet, the fingers, the pulled back hair.
''Nothing.''
''I thought you stopped doing that.''
''I haven't done this in years. I'm just stressed out and I needed…'' Quinn shut the water off and took a step back. She turned and addressed her words to the wall opposite of Mercedes. She just couldn't look her friend in the eyes. Not about this. Not with this shame.
Mercedes had been the only one who had ever known. The only one Quinn had ever trusted enough to tell back in high school. She had also been the one to step in front of Quinn on a couple of occasions and claim that she was the one with the problem.
The day Santana had first met Mercedes was the same day she had met Quinn as well. Both girls had been in the handicapped bathroom stall when Santana had strolled in and upon realizing she had heard all the noises Quinn had made Mercedes stood up and fibbed. She said it was her, not Quinn who had just thrown up. Saving Quinn the shame and embarrassment and taking it on herself because she knew the very lost, very emotionally fragile Quinn would fall apart hopelessly. Santana had bought the lie then and apparently still did so according to her toast at the rehearsal dinner earlier than evening.
Quinn had found a way to move past that habit, but tonight she was a wreck with the thought that because of her own ridiculous actions she might lose Mercedes forever. She needed something to calm her. Even if it was profoundly unhealthy.
''I needed something for myself. I needed to feel better,'' Quinn said, shuddering with emotion.
Mercedes walked in and tugged at one of Quinn's arms, urging her to look back, to face her. ''Do you remember when we used to skip AP English class and hang out in the bathroom? We'd always bitch out those smokers so that we could have the really cool stall at the end.''
Quinn nodded in silence, still not able to look at her friend.
''Santana used to ditch with us too way back when, until Brittany came along,'' Mercedes let a warm little chuckle roll out of her. ''Once Britt was in the picture the sole purpose she ditched was so she and Brittany could fool around in a janitor's closet together. I remember most days it was just you and me in that bathroom and we'd just like talk and talk...I really miss that. Just that. Like all day I'd seriously look forward to it. To sitting in a toilet stall with a friend. Then the Vice Principal found us...and she heard those noises...yeah...'' the mirth on her face disappeared as she turned serious suddenly. ''And she said she was gonna tell your parents that you were throwing up on purpose and I said no, it was me, I was the one doing it. Then everyone found out and they were like uh, Mercedes, can't even throw up properly, she's still fat. Do you remember what you said to me?''
Quinn pulled her watery gaze back to Mercedes. ''I said fuck everyone.''
''You don't know how many times I've said that to myself and that makes me feel a whole lot better. Quinn you don't need to do that,'' she paused and nodded down at the toilet, ''to feel powerful or in control. Look I'm not saying you're never going to have a ring or wedding day or love, but just so you know even if those things never come, it doesn't matter because regardless of them you're still a whole person. And anyone or anything that tells you you're not just because you don't have them - fuck them. Fuck everyone.''
''Fuck everyone,'' Quinn repeated.
X
After they found their way off the subway and out of the station Santana stopped walking three steps ahead of Brittany.
They had expelled things that had been sitting and festering inside of them and now, there was nothing here to run from. She was in this conversation and there was no going back and with that, it was like they could breathe again. They walked the remainder of the way back to the hotel side by side. Mostly in silence but this time around it wasn't suffocating or awkward or painful.
Things were still however uncertain.
''Can I ask you a question?''
Santana lifted a shoulder as if to say why not.
''Where do we go from here?''
''I'm not sure, but then I'm not sure where any of us go from here.''
''Are you really going to tell Mercedes what happened?'' Brittany asked.
''I don't know. I mean she's going to find out one way or another. There's no way in hell Quinn's gonna get it fixed in the few hours we still have left. Pretty soon Mercedes is going to wake up and figure it out. Maybe the best thing for us to do is just be honest and tell her and deal with what comes with that.''
''There's still time though, and even if things still go to shit and that stripper Elliot can't fix it, like you said they're just things. Veils and wedding dresses and rings. They're all just things.''
''You do know what I said earlier tonight at the bridal shop, that was all bull right? I was just talking out of my ass. You were right. Those things do mean something. At least to some people. At least to Mercedes.''
''Those things,'' Brittany said cautiously ''...are they...like...do those things still mean something to you?''
Santana shook her head at that. ''I don't know. I guess I haven't thought about it in a long time.''
''Not even with any of the other girls you…'' Brittany drifted off but ended her thought making a weird and wavy hand gesture.
''No,'' Santana assured her quietly. ''I'm sure most of them were actually really great girls and maybe if I had bothered to try I might have found a couple of connections in there. Maybe one or two would have loved to do the whole marriage-house-kids-fuel-efficient-cars bit with me, but I guess I never saw the point.''
''The point of what?''
''For me it was never just about having the things...the rings and the wedding and the dress….it was about having those things with the right person. I never wanted it with anyone else.''
Brittany digested that in silence for a bit before going on. ''How come you never let me give you my answer after? If that's how you felt...then how come when I tried to bring it up and talk about it, you never let me get very far in those conversations before shutting them down.''
''I guess I was just embarrassed,'' Santana admitted with a little sigh. ''Embarrassed. Sad. Hurt. When you didn't say anything that night my head went to the worst possible scenario - no. I just assumed silence wasn't a good sign but I could survive silence in a way that I knew I couldn't survive hearing you actually say no to the ring...or me.''
''I didn't say no, you know.''
''You didn't say yes either, Britt,'' Santana said, no anger, just acceptance.
''You're right, I didn't...and I get that the silence might have felt like rejection on your side of it and I'm sorry for that because that's the last thing I'd ever want, to hurt you. But I did try to talk. After anyway. I should've tried harder though. I guess I was afraid too.''
''Of what?''
''That maybe when I didn't answer right away it gave you a chance to rethink the whole thing. I dunno, I thought because you didn't want to talk about it you changed your mind on what you wanted out of this...out of us.''
''Why would you ever think I'd change my mind?''
''I guess I thought the worst of your silence too. After that night any time I tried to talk and tell you what my answer was, you always found a way to wiggle out of those conversations. Some days it was like you couldn't even stand to be near me anymore.''
''When I bought that ring I knew what I was doing and I knew what I wanted. I didn't have any doubt. Not during, not after.''
''You didn't?''
Santana looked at her with sincere eyes. ''I didn't, and I'm sorry if me shutting down that way made it seem like I was taking it back. I was hurt and I was so scared if we actually talked about it that I'd hear a no and I knew I could never come back from hearing that, from losing you that way. All I could see was my hurt. I couldn't see beyond it. Not then anyway.''
''To be fair I probably couldn't see beyond mine either.''
''Maybe that means neither of us were ready for it,'' Santana said simply as they came to a stop across the street from the hotel. ''And maybe the way it all went down was for the best.''
''Maybe. I did have an answer though,'' Brittany said. ''You said that I couldn't choose but that's not true. That night. I had an answer for you. I just went into shock before I could get it out.''
Brittany opened her mouth as if about to speak that answer but Santana just reached up and placed her thumb against pink lips, gently silencing them. ''You don't have to. I get all of this, wanting to talk this out and I'm ready for whatever question or thought you want to toss out at me, but you don't have to give me that.''
''Why not?''
''Because regardless of the answer it's ten years later. It wouldn't matter either way. Like you said we're here now.''
It was hard to be a badass at love, Santana concluded, when the first time around your heart got punched in the hypothetical nads. She never came back from that. That pain, that quiet devastation. She never came back from loving Brittany, because it wasn't limited or conditional. No, when Santana loved, she loved with everything she was, everything inside of her. And the thought of losing herself in that love once was more than she could ever bear.
Brittany swallowed the ugly lump at the back of her throat that warned her that tears were moments away.
If this were a movie this would be that scene Brittany realized. Just like the stripper said. The moment where one of them was going to have to lay it all down, to say the words, to make the gesture, to take the leap before all was lost. And she knew it wasn't going to be Santana who stood there looking terrified and lost.
Brittany was going to have to do this herself. Like the first time.
''Just so you know I really wanted to kiss you in that bedroom tonight,'' Brittany said once again, certain in her words. ''I really wanted that. I wanted you to kiss me in that hotel room tonight and in the restaurant bathroom before that and on the plane ride here before that and, and, and on the street corner we passed five minutes ago and last weekend when we were doing shots of tequila and synchronized dances from cult classic 90's movies. And last month even when you called me from your bedroom floor because you slept all weird and when you woke up your foot was asleep but like the spikey-tingly feelings traveled upwards on your body and you were freaking out at me totally convinced that your 'vagina fell asleep too'.''
''It did fall asleep!''
''Yeah and you made me come over and help you walk it off and even though you were being a totally whiny ridiculous nerd baby I wanted you to kiss me then too. At your best, at your worst, at even your most ridiculous, there's not a minute that goes by where I don't want your lips on mine. I'm not over you. I don't think I'll ever be over you. I'll never be over that girl, that girl who back in high school was a complete and total asshole to everyone but just-just turned into the most devoted most loving sweetheart with me. The girl who took me to prom and danced with me in front of everybody. The girl who held my hand in the vet's waiting room when my cat Charity got sick from eating my secret stash of gummy worms. The girl who never forgot a single anniversary or birthday. The girl who...who showed me how to make love for the first time. The girl who believed in forever.'' Brittany went to place a hand over Santana's heart. ''She was the girl I was going to say yes to.''
And because Brittany didn't know what else to say or how to say it, and because she was truly the bigger badass at love she ended her sentence by pulling Santana into a long and delicious kiss. She had been waiting almost ten years to say that one word, to give that one answer. And even if that specific question was no longer on the table it felt good to let it go, to get it out, to speak it.
After a long moment Santana pulled back and it was then that Brittany saw a flash of something in her eyes, something familiar. The girl who used to believe in forever. She was still here, she was still inside of Santana trapped and waiting to be released.
''What are you doing?'' Santana asked in a breathless whisper.
''I don't know, I don't know,'' Brittany murmured and went back to attach herself to Santana's mouth, mumbling each time her lips pulled away for a millisecond. ''I just know that this has been a never fucking ending night and if this is it, if me and you never...again...I had to say that, I had to do that. I just needed you to know.''
Santana couldn't say it with words yet but she couldn't deny that her body was responding to Brittany's hurried and heartfelt declaration. Her want was so very evident as it took her over. With the parting of lips she became incapable of holding it any longer, ten years of longing came pouring out of her, sealing them together. Brittany sank her hands into her dark hair as she felt Santana's form soon melt into hers, unable to resist that natural magnetic pull. What started off as slow and sweet morphed into something else, something certain, something fierce as Santana stopped being passive in this embrace and began to kiss back eagerly, desperately, passionately. After awhile it ceased to be a kiss and it became something else.
Both of them knew that whatever this was, it wasn't some magical resolution. If anything falling into each other's arms now would only be yet one more complication. It was completely and utterly nonsensical but then again so was their entire evening.
So why should this be any different, Brittany thought to herself as her hot breath mingled with Santana's. Their bodies pressed together was the only sense she needed. And this kind of touch might just be the only way to make Santana remember, make Santana admit that somewhere deep inside she was still desperate for Brittany the way Brittany had realized she was still desperate for Santana.
It was a mad ridiculous stumbly journey across the street and into the hotel where they moved quickly and covertly into one of the elevators where again they fell into each other.
When this stopped being just a mere kiss it was clear where this was going to lead and neither of them were about to pull away to finish their Long And Meaningful Conversation. No, not when Santana pushed Brittany up against one of the walls, not when Brittany whimpered out a soft, sexy ''touch me'' into her ear, and certainly not when Santana moved a hand underneath Brittany's dress to stroke a pale, smooth thigh only to spread Brittany's legs, pushing one out and to the side and wrapping the other around her own waist.
''Where's your key card,'' Santana panted against the pale skin of Brittany's neck.
''Huh?''
''Your room. We need - uh god - we need a bed.''
''I don't have it. Quinn has it, I gave it to her for safe keeping because she said I shouldn't carry it in my boobs. What about yours?''
Santana shook her head as if trying to jog her own memory. ''I think the last place I had it was in Q's suite upstairs.''
Brittany let out a little groan and knocked her head back against the elevator wall in frustration before glancing at the panel of buttons at her side. She slammed her hand down on the emergency stop and turned back to Santana, pulling her back into a greedy, needy kiss. ''We'll just have to do this here then,'' she said.
Santana pulled her head back however. ''Wuh, no.''
''No?''
''No, not here. I can't...I need...it's been so long and I want it to be…'' she trailed off.
She needed it to be right, she needed it to be special. It had been nearly ten years since they had touched each other like this, felt each other like this and Santana didn't want it to be some fast and fumbly thing they did in a hotel elevator. She wasn't sure what this was, but there was the possibility that this might be the last time and if it was going to be that, then she wanted to do this right.
''Okay then where?'' asked Brittany.
''I have an idea.'' Santana said as she hit the emergency stop button again to get them moving.
Santana's idea was probably the mother of all bad ideas, and considering their night that was really saying something, but they were both functioning in a sexually frustrated fog and thoughtful thinking went out the window the minute their lips had first touched.
''We do have one other option…'' Santana began as she and Brittany exited the elevator and started down the hallway of an upper floor.
She recalled a certain conversation she had been witness to earlier in the evening. Tina and Sugar had been squealing about Sam booking the honeymoon suite for the wedding night and how it was waiting and empty, prepared for the newlyweds. And since she had stolen his wallet before they hit the strip club that meant she was in possession of the keycard.
''This is so wrong,'' Brittany said as they stood outside of the large elaborate door. ''Using the honeymoon suite.''
''Probably but it's not like they're using it now. Besides we'll make sure housekeeping tidies up before the wedding night. Right now though it's empty and there's a nice soft bed on the other side of this door.'' Santana held up the keycard in front of Brittany's nose.
That was all of the convincing Brittany needed to take the card in hand. Santana moved to stand behind her, pressing her front to Brittany's back as she began to slide it in. When they saw the light on the locking mechanism turn green both of their hearts skipped a beat.
They were doing this, they were going there, there was no doubt now.
They walked inside of the large, beautiful suite and paused as they took it all in. Everything was perfect and pristine, way more gorgeous and spacious than either of their rooms or even Quinn's. They moved through the place in the darkness, their only light source being the large almost floor to ceiling glass windows that overlooked the streets. Santana pulled at the thin, gauzy curtains, moving them aside so they could see the city and it's buildings glowing.
They continued on exploring, moving through the sitting area and the dining area until they came to the room with the bed. This room too had an impressive view of the city lights from a distance. Santana pressed a finger to the glass and turned to say something, only to see Brittany was no longer at her side. Brittany was behind her, sitting at the edge of the bed, blinking slowly and waiting and biting down on her lip with a look of anticipation.
X
''You know why I spend my free time helping young teen moms, giving them medical attention and check ups for their kids?''
Quinn and Mercedes were now sitting on the bathroom floor of Mercedes' hotel room facing each other having a quiet conversation.
''Because deep down you're a really good person,'' Mercedes offered.
Quinn lifted a shoulder. ''I'm not so sure about that. I do it because I know that's when it happens.''
''When what happens?''
''When you start to hate yourself. Sixteen. That's when it happens. When you start looking at your body, at your face, you start nitpicking every little imperfection, when your parents start putting all of their expectations on you, when nothing you do seems to make anyone happy. Sixteen is when it happens. Sixteen sucks but sixteen and pregnant...sixteen with a kid...''
''Gotta be tough,'' Mercedes said and nodded in agreement.
''I see myself in them. I see them scared, I see them uncertain, I see them...and I see me. God, I've always envied you, you know.''
''You envied me?''
''Yeah,'' Quinn stated and slumped her back against the side of the tub. ''Always. Ever since high school. I mean there was Britt and Santana but they had their messy moments too on occasion, but you...it always seemed like you had everything figured out. Like you knew who you were and that was it. Even when people tried to screw with you back then, you found a way to rise above it. Like words just bounced off of you. I never saw you struggle to love yourself, your life just seemed so easy and simple and to this day I don't think I've ever believed in myself that way...loved myself that way.''
Mercedes fought not to roll her eyes at her friend. She laughed instead. ''You have it all backwards if you really think anything about my life has been easy, Quinn.''
''How do you mean?''
''I think you saw what you wanted to see, or maybe I just made it all look really easy,'' Mercedes considered. ''But if you think I don't struggle every single day to love myself you have it all wrong. Every day that we wake up we're forced out into this world that tells us who to be, how to be and that we're falling short if we don't stack up to expectations and living inside of that as a young woman, as a young woman of color, has never been easy. The difference between you and me is that I figured out early on that no one was gonna fight for me...so I decided to fight for myself, to love myself in the face of all of that. In the face of expectations and rejection and hate. I mean you don't think there weren't moments where I thought 'I'm never going find that dream job' or 'I'm never going to find the right guy' or 'I'm never going to be the right size' - I've had those days and I've had those thoughts. You don't think the whole yearbook Pigface thing didn't hurt me back then? It did. And it made me fight to love myself even harder.'' She sagged her shoulders and reached over to touch Quinn affectionately on the knee. ''Look I'm not saying you have no reason to be sad or frustrated or any of those things, but I am saying you shouldn't have to wait for a ring or some guy to love you in order for you to love yourself. And you know what, even if tomorrow those things - the man, the house, the country club membership - showed up on your doorstep, I guarantee you you'd still find a way to be unhappy or unfilled. You don't need those things. You need to fight for yourself, Quinn.''
''And how do I do that?''
''I wish I had an answer but no one can tell you how to do that but you. My fight isn't gonna look like your fight, just like your fight isn't gonna look like anything like Santana's, and her fight it's not gonna look anything like Brittany's. You know? You gotta figure this out for you, in your own way.''
''That sounds fucking terrifying.''
''It is,'' Mercedes chuckled heartily. ''But it's also fucking worth it.''
Quinn closed her eyes and a single tear rolled down her cheek, she nodded repeatedly until she took a deep breath and launched herself at Mercedes, wrapping her into a hug. ''You're a better friend than all of us, you know that right.''
''Psh, girl I've always known that,'' Mercedes teased.
X