Chapter 11 – Betrayed
The world stopped moving, time froze and Natasha felt like she couldn't breathe.
"W-What?" she whispered. She recalled Steve in the hospital room, telling her there was something he had to tell her but she had pushed him away and told him to leave her alone.
"Natasha I... I... There are no words to describe how sorry I am. I wanted to – I tried to tell you the truth in the beginning but I..." he told her her voice desperate. Natasha looked up from the counter and saw that Steve's eyes were distraught. The guilt. The fear. All the little things she had noticed that hadn't made sense at the time suddenly came rushing back to her. She stood up.
"I need air." Steve stood up but she held up her hand. "Alone." As she left the kitchen Steve slumped against the wall.
X
Natasha remembered growing up, hearing stories about the great Captain America, who died fighting Hydra. He had saved so many people. He was a hero. She was there when they pulled him out of the ice. And ever since she had known that all the stories she heard about him were true. He was the good guy. He was honest, dependable and loyal. He would protect people with his life and never question it.
Natasha didn't know how to feel. Where was Clint? Why did they have to pretend he died? Why wasn't Steve allowed to tell her the truth? Why had he? Who else knew? Was it planned long before? Had Clint always known that was the plan?
In a way she wished Steve had never told her. she wished she could go back to before when she was just moving on with her life. Because the thing was, despite the shock and hurt she felt she still loved Steve. She had been ready to move on with him. She wanted him. She wanted him the way she wanted Clint. She needed him. But if Clint walked back into her life what would she do?
It wasn't that she was on the rebound. When she lost Clint, she had tried to push everyone away. Steve was the only one who actually listened to what she was saying. He was there when she needed him and gave her space when she needed that. He made her laugh and took her mind off things she didn't want to think about. She trusted him with her life and she knew he would never betray her. Or she had until now.
But could she really consider what Steve had done to be a betrayal? She knew he should have told her from the beginning but he had been under orders. Natasha had worked for S.H.I.E.L.D for long enough to know if Fury gave an order, you followed it. And he always had a plan. He had known she wouldn't have been able to fake her grief and he was probably right. It just hurt that she had been lied to for so long. Steve had seen her at her weakest and he had said nothing.
Now what was she supposed to do? Knowing this didn't change her feelings for Steve but it complicated them. How could she love Steve if Clint was still out there somewhere? Was he ever coming back? Was she expected to wait around until he came back?
Natasha knew one thing. She needed answers.
X
She found Steve in the gym. He was pounding the boxing bag and Natasha could see the swirl of emotions in his face. Anger, guilt, fear, pain. He stopped when she opened the door. She could see confusion, fear and guilt in his eyes.
"I need answers." Was all she said. He nodded as if he had expected that. Natasha sat on the treadmill and Steve sat on the bench across from her.
"Where is he?" She asked.
"I don't know." Steve replied. "He's on a mission. After the Loki attack, Fury knew Loki would be expecting us so he came up with the plan of faking a death and sending that person after him. I volunteered but you know Clint's history with Loki... he insisted."
"Why didn't he tell me?"
"He wanted to but there was no time." Steve paused. "He made me promise I would tell you. He didn't want you to believe he was dead. But the moment he was gone Fury ordered me not to tell you. He said no one would believe it if you didn't. There was no way you could fake that type of pain." Natasha could hear the regret in Steve's voice.
"Who else knows?"
"Just me, Fury and Maria. We told everyone else that Clint died protecting you because where he was... everyone knew he wouldn't have been killed from there."
"Why did you tell me the truth?" Natasha watched Steve's face. At first he seemed surprised by her question but he answered anyway.
"I thought you deserved to know. I wanted to tell you from the beginning. When I saw how upset you were... I was going to tell you but you told me to leave and I knew the damage was done. There was no way I could tell you then." Steve watched her face, trying to decipher what she was thinking but her face was impasive. "So I tried to be your friend instead. Look out for you. But when you told me you were pregnant... I couldn't keep the truth from you anymore. I just had to tell you."
"Where is Clint now?"
"I honestly have no idea. Fury has spoken to him but he won't tell me anything. He insisted I couldn't tell you because the mission is so dangerous. Clint might still die." Steve felt the need to explain this to Natasha because there was a very real possibility that he might die. And she would never see him again. And she would have to go through all this pain again.
"You said earlier that you didn't expect to feel the way you do. What did you mean?" Natasha could tell she had caught him off guard. That was the last thing he expected her to ask and he looked torn. She could tell he was considering how honest to be. "Please Steve. You owe me the full truth." He looked at her and that was all she needed to know.
He loved her.
"I need time to think."
X
Natasha lay on her bed. She was sleeping about five hours now, simply because her body, and her baby, needed her to sleep.
So many thoughts spun through her mind. Would Clint ever come back? How did she feel about Steve? She knew she loved him but more than Clint? Could she really forgive Steve? She already knew the answer to that. She knew the moment he told her. And that scared her.
It terrified her that she had been lied to by Steve and yet she forgave him, almost immediatley. That wasn't what was holding her back though.
Could she trust him? Yes. Did she love him? Yes. So what was stopping her? Natasha couldn't shake the feeling that she would be betraying Clint. He had chosen to leave her. He had run off after an Asgardian Prince without even telling her. He could get himself killed. All to settle a grudge. In a way she felt betrayed. But would moving on with his best friend still be betraying him?
She knew Clint would probably feel more betrayed by Steve than Natasha but now she knew the truth Natasha knew she would be equally to blame if Clint returned and she was with Steve. Was she willing to take that chance? Who did she love more? If they were both stood in front of her now, who could she not live without?
X
She found Steve in the kitchen. He had a mug of coffee in his hand but he was staring into space from his seat beside the island.
"Steve?" His head shot up and his eyes found hers almost instantly. He was about to say something but she held up her hand. "Let me talk." He closed his mouth and she walked towards him. She stopped in front of him.
"I hate that you lied to me. I hate how weak it made me feel." Steve was about to interupt but she kept going. "Please let me finish or I'll never say this." Steve nodded. "Most of all I hate that Clint chose to leave to fight Loki without telling me. He left it to chance whether I would know. You should have told me from the start but I get why you didn't and I'm glad you've told me now.
"The thing is, Steve, I love you." She saw his eyes widen slightly. She saw confusion and uncertainty there. "I love you and that scares me. Clint is the only other man I've ever loved and I thought he was the only guy for me, that I couldn't live without him.
"But the last few weeks have showed me that I can live without him. It was hard but I did it. But I couldn't have done it without you. I need you Steve. I need you more than I ever needed him. Steve I love you and I want to be with you. I guess it just depends on if you want to be with me." Natasha felt vulnerable as she searched Steve's shocked face for hints of what he would say.
"But... after everything I did? I lied and kept a huge secret from you. I let you believe Clint was dead and you would still forgive me?" He asked, shocked.
"I already have. I've been in this business long enough. I know how getting orders from Fury works. And I'm just glad that you told me in the end." Natasha explained.
"But what about Clint? What if he comes back?" Steve asked. Natasha could see it in his face now. He loved her and he wanted her too. But he was worried about betraying Clint.
"Clint left me. I know he left for a mission but he didn't have to go. He insisted on going even though that meant leaving me without saying goodbye. Even if he expected you to tell me the truth, I would still have had to pretend he was dead. I would still have to be the grieving girlfriend. So in my eyes Clint and I are finished. I get it if you don't want to betray your best friend but think about the position he put you in. He wanted you to disobey strict orders. He put you in danger. He was in the wrong too, Steve" Steve looked at the ground for a moment.
"I love you." He whispered as he looked up and pulled her close, his lips brushing hers lightly at first and then pulling her into a deeper kiss. "I love you, too."
Next time:
Natasha realises more has changed than her relationship with Steve.
Quote: "Better keep going, lots to see. See you later, Natasha."