If I Can't Have You
Chapter 11
Wednesday Early Evening
The Precinct
Hutch turned away from retrieving yet one more cup of lukewarm bitter swill the department tried to pass off as coffee.
He walked back to his desk in a desultory fashion and eyed the spew of papers and files. None of it interested him and none of it was likely to be attended to by him over the next twenty-four hours or so now.
His mind was fixed on one objective only. The warehouse drug bust that involved Starsky and Ryan.
He had spent the greater part of the afternoon down in the communications room where he could listen into the radio dispatches that were filtering in and out on the job. There were two undercover cars positioned near the warehouse and these were changed every three hours to prevent any of the warehouse staff picking up on the surveillance.
He had not heard from Starsky since the night in the bar and any word in from the rotating surveillance team was sparing. Last word in from them was a little disconcerting.
Earlier that afternoon Starsky had been spotted returning to the warehouse in a taxi. He, Ryan and Kalzo's other two men had been seeing leaving the warehouse together some hours earlier in the day so Hutch was wondering what had prompted his partner to arrive back before them.
He had aired his concerns down in the dispatch room when the call had come through.
"So – no big deal Sir, probably just needed to come back and catch some shut eye. They had all been holed up in that bar a few blocks south of the warehouse. Starsky probably just needed to cut out".
The communication's officer took in the detective's fatigued and drawn face. He was doing his best to allay the senior officer's unrest.
"You should go home sir, we will phone you if anything of note gets patched in to us."
The blonde detective well known to all the guys down in the radio room as the other half of Zebra Three had been hovering around the radio room now for two days. It was more than obvious to all of them that he was somewhat at a loss without the other half of his caller ID. They were all used to his moody presence now - listening and frowning and asking questions to no one in particular – throwing out into space his thoughts and concerns. From time to time he would grab the radio himself and request a confirmation or a clarification on a report.
In short Detective Hutchinson was stressing himself and everyone else in the communication room with his relentless over analysis of the surveillance.
For once the tall detective had folded to the junior officer's suggestion.
"Ok but get me on my desk if anything of note comes in. I mean –anything ok?"
Since he had returned to the squad room he had been going over the files on Kalzo's top men. He was debating whether to down another coffee and head out to get something light to eat. He was not hungry or even interested in leaving the office but he knew that he needed to give himself a break from this constant vigil before tomorrow morning's big bust.
If he had been sensible he would have gone home a few hours earlier and tried to catch some sleep before being back on deck for the dawn raid.
Not possible. He was simply way too wired and way too worried.
His level of concern was out of proportion to objective information available, he knew that– way out of proportion. Until he had heard that Starsky had returned in a taxi by himself there was simply nothing out of the ordinary of this operation that needed his worry. Even the junior officer in dispatch was smart enough to know that.
But it didn't help him.
To stop worrying.
To stop thinking and going back over Starsky's last words to him. The dislocation in Starsky's voice the other night during the bar phone call.
And now this - the fact that he had gone out with the three men at midday and returned by himself in a taxi before them.
These two facts alone did not sit well in his gut.
He stood and looked at the files on his desk. All of them files on Kalzo's right hand men – men with records as long as your arm but free right now to stand beside Kalzo yet again as he prepared for one of the biggest deals he had been involved with in quite a long while.
He picked up the file closest to him. Nick Calbrini.
He stared the mug shot down as if by doing so he could threaten this piece of lowlife shit. The one who was paired with Starsky as his runner partner? The one who had given Starsky a black eye for no reason than he was in the mood to throw a fist and vent some of his drug fuelled aggression. Without thinking his thumb pressed deep into the small photo, transferring some of his inner anger at this thug onto the small black and white image of him.
His desk phone rang then startling him from his silent vengeance.
What he heard had him up and running for the door.
"Detective Hutchinson – I think you need to get down here now. Surveillance has some new information on Detective Starsky. They think that it is urgent sir!"
oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo
Starsky had been lying on his narrow bed just trying to calm himself and his mind down. It had not been working. For nearly an hour he had been back in the room he had come to detest, just willing time to pass and reality to fade.
Never had he felt like this – so alien within his own body. What Ryan had done to him was – was – more than he felt able to comprehend. Sure he had experienced episodes in his life where he had been hit on by men – several times. But this was so different and so much more than that to him.
A man he thought he knew, understood and trusted had turned out to be everything he did not know and could not trust. It was not so much even that he had made a pass at him – it was the way he had been relentless, ruthless and so unreceptive to Starsky's own feelings and reactions. This afternoon in the john at the bar – it was as though – he had made him feel small, defenseless and - yes that word – victimized.
All of this from someone he was supposed to be united with in a quest to pursue an operation that was so dangerous that without total unity, total trust and total reciprocal knowledge of each other - they would be both left open to mortal danger. Death was waiting out there in that warehouse later tonight, in the early hours of tomorrow morning – and now Starsky felt disempowered. Ryan had torn into his sense of himself as a man, and even more frightening given the position he was in right now, his belief in himself as a cop. He now doubted whether he still possessed the professional strength and courage to complete this assignment. For the first time in his career, Starsky was afraid that he did not have what it took to pull this job off to its completion.
Ryan had a lot to answer for and if he lived through tomorrow he would make it his life's goal to make him accountable for what he done to him.
He heard scuffling outside the room now and was beyond caring. Ryan was back and nothing he could do now would make any difference to him. The damage was done and somehow he just had to go forward with this job, stay alive and get out of here.
oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo
"Dave open up! It's me Ryan!"
No key in the lock? Drunk? Lost it? No - something else. Something in his voice. Something is wrong. Something is going down.
Those were his last coherent thoughts before he waited one split second and assessed Ryan's tone. The door flew open; smashing against the wall, plaster cracking with the force.
Starsky had stood and was moving toward the door when he saw them both. Nick his wild-eyed version of himself and Ryan breathing hard with a look on his face that Starsky could not place.
It was at once a mixture of several things – anger, aggression, fear, regret and guilt. It was all there on Ryan's face as he looked at Starsky.
Starsky knew then he was in trouble.
oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo
Hutch was frantic.
He was waiting for the two captains to arrive back at Park Central. They had been holed up over at the nineteenth precinct going over the final details of the bust but Hutch had called them as soon as he got the information from the surveillance team.
He had torn down the fire- escape stairs to the lower level and slammed into the radio control room. Had it only been ten minutes ago? Fifteen?
"What? What have you got?"
The young officer knew better than to act as third party conduit with this man right now – he simply handed over the controls to him and patched him through to the surveillance team.
"Detective Hutchinson here. Talk to me"
"Sir – ahhh- Detective Lancaster and the man known as Nick, Detective Starsky's offsider on the job, have just exited the sleeping quarters at the warehouse and crossed to the parking bay. Detective Sergeant Starsky is in their company".
What? Oh thank God…..Is that all….
Christ he was getting too jumpy. He had ran down here like a madman…. all for….
"Sir, Detective Lancaster has Detective Starsky at gunpoint. He has a weapon pressed against his lower back sir".
Hutch felt the room tilt.
"Sir?"
"Ahh – what is the other man, Nick – Calbrini – what is he doing – how is he acting? How – how is Ryan – Detective Lancaster acting?"
"They are pushing him into the car now. They were outside the office area for a while and someone like one of Kalzo's men came out and spoke to them – and they walked off toward the car. Detective Lancaster is - well, he is being aggressive toward Detective Starsky and the other man is laughing with him. They seem to be working together Sir."
Hutch swallowed hard. He knew then.
Starsky had been made.
Ryan was carrying through the cover with Nick.
Kalzo had given them orders.
They were taking Starsky to hurt him.
No you know that is not right Hutch…You know where they are taking Starsky…
They were taking his partner to kill him.
"Sir …what do you want us to do. We have no orders in yet from Captain Dobey or Captain Dobson. They are patching us through to them now…"
I want you to fucking follow them now and stop them. Take Nick down now, get a shot in as soon as you can! Shoot now! As soon as you can get a clear shot where Starsky is safe.
But of course he could give no such orders to the team.
The radio went dead and the buzzing interference and feedback filled the small room. The young officer looked up and said the unnecessary.
"They are talking with the nineteenth precinct now. The Captains are giving their orders."
Hutch knew what the orders would be. Leave the operation in status quo.
One cop's life was not enough weight against a six month planned operation.
The look on the blond detective's face was so wretched that the young officer wanted to crawl under his own desk. God! Some days this job was just too hard. It was times like these that he was pleased to be stationed down here in communication because not for anything would he want to trade places with either of the two halves of Zebra Three. Both of them were in terrible positions and from where he was sitting the man in front of him was suffering in equal measures to Detective Starsky.
He knew it was probably not called for, not expected of him, nor even likely to be welcomed – but he just had to say something – something to try to make things a little better.
He had never really been in a position like this before in his brief career and he felt the gravity of his own small role here in this unfolding drama. He might not be important but, hell he was part of this and he wanted to help in even a small way.
He was in awe of this senior officer and his partner as younger officers often were with the higher rank.
"Sir, I am sure it is all part of the set up between the two of them. Detective - ahhh….your partner will be fine sir, I am sure of it."
He hadn't expected the sergeant to even acknowledge him. He was used to being overlooked both because of his position and his ranking.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up surprised. Light blue eyes and a sad smile tried to fight through lines of worry on the drawn handsome face.
" You can call him Starsky – Starsky. Thank you Officer. I only hope you're right. He's my partner and you will find out soon enough, partners are important."
Sometimes, the younger man thought, there were surprises in life. He felt all at once proud and happy that he had just achieved something in his day.
This senior officer who was so preoccupied with his own partner had also taken the time to give something back to him. His day was all of a sudden a little brighter and he almost felt a little guilty for the zap of joy when Detective Hutchinson looked so devastated.
oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo
Hutch was waiting outside Dobey's office. He had paced, sat, paced, sat. Waited. Had it only been ten minutes, fifteen?
The waiting….
Dobey and Dobson pushed in through the squad room doors.
He couldn't wait for them to get into Dobey's office.
"Captain. What is the plan? I want to go in now. They have made Starsky. They must have. Why else would Ryan have had him at gunpoint?"
"Calm down Hutchinson. Stay calm. We don't know what has gone down yet. We have no sound on either of the men and so we do not know what Ryan is doing. This could all be part of the set up. They may have worked it out between the two of them. We just do not know."
"What are you talking about Captain? Ryan had Starsky with a freaking gun pressed into his back! What else can it mean? Someone has made him. Nick was with them and Kalzo's men gave them orders. Surveillance saw it. You know what it means!"
He was barely able to keep his voice down to a bellow.
Dobson cut in now.
"Cool it Hutchinson. Ryan knows what he's doing. If Starsky has been made then he's got it under control. He is no doubt playing along with this Calbrini – Nick guy and making sure that Starsky is going to be safe. It is only hours till the load comes in. We are not risking anything now – not at this point."
Hutch saw red.
"No! I do not buy that! How in freaking hell can you surmise that Ryan knows what he is doing and that Starsky is going to be safe? You have absolutely no fucking idea. If Starsky's been made then Ryan is just doing what he has to do to keep Kalzo off him and the operation. "
He implored them both with his eyes.
"Starsky is in trouble! We have to go in now. I want in now!"
"Hutch! You have heard what Captain Dobson has to say. That is how we are going to play this out. I know you are worried about Starsky – but we have only hours left in a six-month op here. Listen to what you are saying."
"I do not have to listen Captain and neither should you – you are talking about Starsky here. Starsky's life! For God's sake please…"
He tried again when their faces remained impassive – Dobey's concerned but still impassive to his demands.
"At least send surveillance after them –try to get a make on the car and where they went. They will be somewhere in the local neighborhood – somewhere around where Starsky does his runs – they have to be."
Dobey rubbed his face and looked at Dobson. Dobson looked determined.
Dobey tried the middle line.
"Look I imagine that Ryan will not come back – he will probably take Starsky somewhere until this all blows over – till the bust is done. He is probably buying us all time here. Taking him under force is probably just part of the whole plan, continuation of the cover. Let's just wait and see what Ryan does Hutch. Ok? "
Hutch looked beaten and disappointed in his captain.
"If you let anything…if we don't do anything and…"
Dobson raised his voice now.
"This is a six month operation involving two precincts and over thirty men. The commissioner has direct input into undermining and breaking open this ring. We have already lost one officer in the course of this undercover job. We have had two highly experienced sergeants in undercover for well over a week now and have made excellent headway into busting this ring right open. In all likelihood this will be accomplished in the next eight to ten hours."
He drew breath.
"Detective Hutchinson – I can see you are concerned for your partner. Of course and I understand and appreciate that as only a fellow officer can. But do not threaten your captain or me now with an ultimatum. Detective Starsky in under – he is a cop, he knows the risks and he went in knowing the risks. Just as my own man has done. They are both at risk here. But you know as a seasoned officer of the department – this operation will not be jeopardized if we do not have solid and clear evidence that an officer's life is at risk."
He turned to address Dobey now.
"I am sorry Harold if I spoke out of turn – but I felt that I needed to represent the department here. I know it is harder when one of your own is at risk to say what has to be said."
Both captains turned now to look at Hutch.
He just stared into Dobey's eyes and shook his head.
"I hope to God your operation is worthy of him. "
He picked up his keys and jacket and left them both standing, watching his long back retreating out of the door.
oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo
Starsky recognized the neighborhood as soon as the car slid into the side streets and from the side streets into the alleys.
He knew also what was about to happen to him. Already his body was tensing and bracing for the assault that he could already feel.
In a strange sort of way, since that afternoon and what had happened to him with Ryan – what Ryan had done to him – he felt detached from his body and his focus was centered now in his mind. He knew that he should be feeling fear and dread because his cop instincts were just too strong not to know that Ryan could not really help him now. His body was about to be put through a grueling test. A cop who has been made is not ever waiting for a happy ending.
He tried to focus on Ryan's profile now. He watched him as he drove, studied his face and listened to him speak. He said little of course. All the while Starsky tried to remind himself that this man was Ryan Lancaster. A man who had so many personas now. The "friend" he had trained with in the academy, the "cop "he thought he knew, the "partner "with whom he had wittingly entered this undercover operation. Then in the last week, an irrational, unbalanced homosexual who believed that he could entice him to be his lover. Today on this last day, he had become the aggressive sexual predator.
And now – here he was, in his latest guise, his enemy pure and simple.
The man sent to kill him.
As they sped through the seedy streets Nick's incessant hyped up speech never stopped – nervous, excited, aggressive and scared all at once. A young thug who couldn't handle his own testosterone let alone the effects of the drugs that he plied his system with day after day.
As the streets narrowed and the car slowed, he could see that Nick was looking for a particular area – Starsky had now worked out the game plan – taking him to the streets just near one of the major buyers - make it look like a deal gone sour – leave him in the alleyway near the buyer's haunt.
The car slowed even as Starsky waited for it to do so. They had arrived.
"Out Dave. Get out."
The gun still trained on him he had little choice.
Nick slammed his door and walked around to join Ryan.
"Should not have tried to fool us Dave. You know what happens when we find we have cops in our employment. Makes Mr. Kalzo a very unhappy man." Nick laughed like a seven year old.
"That's right Dave – whatever your real name is. All these months you have had me fooled and you have lied to me. I took you in really you know. Gave you a bed and some dosh – set you up with a fucking job and look how you repaid me? I am lucky that Kalzo didn't do me over because of the trouble I have brought to him in you."
Starsky stared hard into Ryan's eyes trying to see what he was telling him then – the language of cops. Where and what was his message now? What was the plan? How were they going to work this to make sure that Ryan's cover stayed intact even though Starsky's was down?
Something was wrong. Something was missing between the two of them.
In that moment Starsky cursed inwardly. If only Ryan hadn't muddied up their relationship with what he had done to him today, then the two of them could have "talked" more clearly than what they were achieving right now. He felt no real connection to Ryan – in fact if anything he felt so far from being connected to him it made this situation seem unworkable.
He thought now of his partner – his real partner. Hutch. As he so often did in times like this.
How different from you and me Hutch.
Their eyes conveyed everything that they were not able to say.
He willed Hutch's sky blue liquid eyes out of his mind – willed Hutch in general out of his mind. He needed to focus on Ryan. Ryan was his partner in this operation and somehow he needed to communicate with him so he could understand what was going to happen and how they were going to handle this whole mess. The mess that occurs when one half of the team's cover has been blown.
He soon realized that the time was up on the mood barometer. Ryan's fist ploughed into his face along with a curse and an expletive.
"Freaking pig! Thought you could squeal and ruin this whole game for all of us didn't you?"
Another blow and another to the gut this time. He was down now on the ground, the rough asphalt of the alleyway coming up to meet his cheek and temple.
"Is this how a fucking pig fights? You are useless! Look Nick he's pathetic. Down already."
Starsky struggled to his knees and then holding his midriff and the wall he slowly stood. Ryan just stood back now sneering. Sneering and yet he had his back to Nick who was laughing and clapping in a delirium of sick delight. Starsky was the entertainment.
As he righted himself, gasping and feeling the blood pour down his face from his split brow – Starsky thought of two things.
They were clear and bright in his already fogging brain.
Ryan's face was full of hate as he was facing him, but Ryan's back was to Nick and Nick was only able to see Ryan's back. As Starsky tried to focus on Ryan's face there was nothing there to read, no message for him alone – only pure hate and anger.
The second thought made him angry because he should have asked it when they came to get him.
How and when was he made?
Two thoughts.
Two very damning thoughts about Ryan.
Something was clearing in his head.
As Ryan pulled back his fist again, Starsky made a decision.
He brought his own fists up.
The fight began.
oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo
"Hey man he is one tough dude ain't he?"
Nick had finished with his squawking and clapping a few minutes after the battle between the two men had begun in earnest.
It was no longer quite so funny, no longer quite so entertaining as the two of them grappled, and wrestled, punched and kicked, squeezed and jabbed – their bodies both bloodied and torn as they fought for supremacy. At one point, Nick went to join the fray and Ryan had screamed at him,
"Back off, his ass is mine you little creep!"
Just as Nick was wondering whether he would need to pull out his gun and finish Dave off, Ryan, by far the bigger of the two, but not necessarily the strongest it seemed, gave his opponent one final and resounding kick, drawing his booted leg back and ploughing it into the fallen man's side. There was a sickening cracking sound and Starsky groaned loudly curling his body defensively. Ryan kicked him again and again until finally the writhing curled body shuddered and stopped.
Ryan crashed back against the dirty brick wall.
"Fucking hell! Fucking hell! Awwhhhh Shit". He nursed his already swollen and spilt hand, his knuckles gaping and bleeding. His face was a mass of cuts and blood and his guts were on fire where Starsky had landed far too many blows to his mid section. He took some time to kneel on the filthy ground gagging and spitting out blood.
"You ok man? Some fight! Think he's done though – he sure don't look too good"
Ryan looked over at his police partner. He might feel terrible himself but Starsky looked more than three quarters dead. He knew he had broken a lot of his ribs, pummeled the shit out of his kidneys and very possibly ruptured his spleen. He had fought enough fights and knew enough about defensive tactics to know what damage to inflict on another human.
But by Christ Starsky had put up a fight.
It was for certain now Ryan thought, that Starsky understood the situation. He would have never fought like that otherwise. He would have taken the beating and gone down in the line of duty hopefully waiting for Ryan to bring help to him as soon as possible. Ryan knew when Starsky looked into his eyes a few blows into the fight, that he had figured it all out.
It had become a fight to the death.
As Ryan pulled himself up by holding onto the wall, Nick started to look increasingly nervous.
"Ok come on man we have been at this for ages. Kalzo is gonna be wondering where we are and I don't feel too good stayin' here any longer"
He looked over at the limp and bloodied body.
"He's probably gonna die after the way you did him over but we had better finish him off now anyway."
Nick pulled out his gun from under his coat. Ryan slammed it down to Nick's side.
"No wait. No gun, no gun. I don't want to shoot him."
Ryan had already plotted it out in his head as he had been driving over from the warehouse. If he shot Starsky, this would give him him no out with the IA or the captains. He had to make it look like he had brought Starsky as much time as he could for the cops to locate him after the bust. He had to come out of this looking clean – like he had no option but to hurt and nearly fatally wound his partner, but that he had done his very best in increasing his chances of survival. To shoot him would be tantamount to incriminating himself straight away.
"What? Why the hell not man? We gotta make sure we do it properly or Kalzo will kill us, forget about this guy!"
"Nick, you want to make this look like an everyday slime bucket alley way fight between a greedy runner and a buyer?"
Nick was nodding but not following Ryan.
"Well most of the alleyway dirty fights look like this – pulverized bodies and (he lifted the leg of his pants now and pulled out a knife from his ankle strap) a knifing for good measure. Not a shooting – not typical of local fights over deals.
Besides Nick – I told you before; Dave is mine, my ass to fry. I get the say in how we do him in the end not you." He hoped that threatening aggression would convince this idiot.
Nick just shrugged and started to lose patience.
"Whatever man but hurry the fuck up will ya?. I am outta here" He started to retreat back, looking nervously up and down the alley for signs of life other than homeless vagabonds.
Holding his own knife in his hand, he came up close to Starsky and knelt beside the broken, shuddering body. He could tell that his tortured lungs were gasping to draw a breath into his shattered chest.
He wanted to look into his eyes this last time – to lay his own dark ones onto Starsky's deep blue ones, but that was not to be. Starsky's eyes were closed and bloodied, swollen and bruising already.
"What a mess you are lover. Not my pretty boy anymore."
He watched the knife glint in the last of the evening light and admired its clean sharp lines.
"I don't know if you can hear me anymore Starsk, but I need to tell you something. "
He leaned over the dark form and put his head almost lovingly against the bloodied, ripped cheek. He wrapped his hand around Starsky's quivering body, caressing his lean bare hip. Stroking the hard flesh where it draped the angled sharp hip bone.
Even now, he thought, he felt desire well up in him for this man.
He whispered now for only Starsky to hear.
"If I can't have you, then neither will Hutch."
He pulled back his hand and plunged the knife deep into Starsky's lower gut, flinching as he felt the ravaged body jolt once more with the impact of the thrust.
Nick was no longer watching and so he leaned in further and brushed his own bloodied lips over Starsky's.
As he walked away to join Nick he stole one last look back.
The handle of his knife was silver against the pale and bloodied flesh of the lover he never really had.