Sorry for the lack of updates. Took a vacation to write but what do I do? Anything but write. Thank God I'll be back at work on Monday ;)
Chapter 11: Land mines
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." ~ Sir Walter Scott
Liv took the stairs down her building as the elevator took too long. She was slightly concerned about the phone call she had received not long ago. It wasn't like this person to be so short. She'd been asked to come downstairs in ten. She could sense something was wrong, she just didn't know what it was.
The fall wind felt crisp as she stepped out on the curb and she wished she'd put on a sweater. Her side of the street were parked packed but she spotted the car she was looking for in a spot further down across the street. Any other day she would've waved but now she just waited for a car to pass and then hurried across.
"Hey, what's up? I thought you were working?" she said as she got closer to him. She rubbed her arms slightly feeling the cold as well as some worry.
"I was, I am," he said leaning one hand against his SUV.
She felt a little relieved when he leaned in to give her a quick kiss. She'd learnt Sergeant Eli Hetfield had a tough exterior but she'd probably never met a man with a bigger heart. For the year and a half they had been seeing each other now she'd never felt more loved in her entire life.
"You should've worn a sweater," he said noticing her shivering. She smiled, happy for his concern but shook him off.
"I'm fine. What's wrong?" she asked knowing something troubled him. He shot her another look and she could tell he didn't like to bring her whatever news he had for her. But instead of opening his mouth he took a step towards her and she took a step back as his hand went down the tinted window on the back door. As soon as he opened the back door the light inside the cabin turned on and she had no problem seeing who was knocked out and sprawled out all over his back seat.
"Oh my… what…" she breathed immediately stepping to the car to get a closer look on her detective and also put her hands on her. She knew Eli wouldn't have brought her there if she was dead but Liv still had to feel for a pulse, she just looked so ruined. It didn't take long until she smelled the strong odor of liquor and she frowned swiping her hand over Amanda's clammy face.
"What happened?" Liv asked without letting Amanda go with her eyes. She heard the heavy sigh Eli took before he spoke, another sign he didn't like what he had to tell her.
"Chris called me, one of his guys called him. She was hanging at O'Malleys, it's a local cop bar in Brooklyn…" he took a breath and Liv had time to turn her head towards him. His face told her there were more to say.
"She wasn't just hanging," he said carefully, "she was… on the bar, dancing."
Liv frowned. She spotted a red mark on his cheek and he saw her eyes go there.
"It's nothing, I got her out of there," he calmed her.
He had been in the middle of his late shift when he received the call. Chris was at home with his kids or he would've gone himself. It wasn't like they were friends with Amanda but being the only surviving victim of the grizzly serial killer they'd chased for years she meant a lot to them and she would always be a part of their lives.
He'd been to O'Malleys plenty of times, he was a regular before he hooked up with Olivia. After that though he rather hung out with her than a rowdy group of shields. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen such a crowd in there. He spotted her immediately, high up on that bar and even from a distance he could tell how dangerous it was as she was obviously very intoxicated.
The volume was high, the cheering louder than the music from time to time. Eli recognized James behind the bar, he looked more concerned than Eli ever had seen him. There had been plenty of brawls in there but they were usually rather easy to break up. This situation though, this looked like one no cop in there was willing to put an end to. A man had jumped up on the bar, sitting at the end of it it gave Amanda something else than the pole to grind up against and the cheering got ear numbing for a brief moment.
When the guy's hand went up underneath Amanda's top Eli started plowing his way towards her. He had to use his elbows and got some shoves back but he did have some respect in this community, ironically thanks to the woman now on display, and they backed off once they recognized him.
Eli reached the bar as the man tried to hold on to Amanda's leg to get her to keep grinding against his face and Eli reached up to and gripped the guy's arm as he shouted at him to let her go. The guy looked a little stunned and lost his grip around Amanda's leg which made her stumble slightly. She might've dropped head first in to the pole if there hadn't been plenty of hands there to save her. She did however end up on all four on the bar.
Eli hadn't had time to reach for her as the guy seemed miffed at him and tried to shove him back. Eli got a hold off his collar and pulled him down to his level. The guy put his fists up but two other men got their arms around him and pulled him back and quickly out of view from Eli. Turning back around towards Amanda he spotted a man supplying her with alcohol she certainly didn't need. She was still on all four and Eli's gut flared with anger as he saw the few hands that groped her very inappropriate but seemingly without her even sensing it.
He could only deal with one thing at the time though and stopping the liquor supply was most important right now. He shoved the guy's glass away from her so harshly it fell and crashed against the floor.
"Fuck you," the man that had held on to the glass shrieked angrily and went for Eli. He was ready though and again grabbed the collar as he shoved him backwards.
"Can't you see she's had enough already," Eli shouted right down his face. When he wanted to Eli knew he could be very threatening with his length that he could use to form a large frame and he used that now. He wasn't sure the guy recognized him but some of his buddies seemed to and helped to hold the man back. Looking around though Eli could tell there were plenty of hostile eyes that did not like the fact he'd come in there to break up the show.
Turning back around he found Amanda sitting on the bar. The sudden interruption in the stage show somehow seemed to have made several men, Eli hated to even call them that, think they had the right to fondle her and Eli's rage flared up again. She had another shot in her hand that he yanked away from her, she was in such a state her eyes lagged behind and Eli had already started shoving prying hands off her when she registered she'd put a empty hand against her lips.
"Turn the fucking music off," Eli shouted as he had to keep slapping hands away, guys even came up behind him trying to get in on the groping and he started to feel crowded.
Several boos had already been heard as he shouted but once the music actually abruptly stopped plenty more were heard.
"Oh c'mon."
"Don't ruin the show."
"Take her clothes off."
Eli tried to ignore the comments but they fueled his anger whether he wanted to or not and he got more aggressive shoving the men off her. It was a battle he wasn't winning though and he realized he would have to get her out of this environment, and fast. He jumped down from the foot railing and grabbed her. Her heavily intoxicated state made her limp and unable, or perhaps unwilling, to work with him and he finally just dragged her down from the bar landing her over his shoulder. Once over his shoulder she seemed to clock out and became dead weight for him to carry.
He had to use his elbows to just turn around with her. It was at this time an arm that came up bruised his cheek. Someone else grabbed a hold of the guy's arm though and twisted him backwards so Eli could start to head out. Thankfully he ran in to no more trouble as people seemed to fold away leaving a clear path in front of him over to the door. Someone even opened the door for him but Eli couldn't give the man an appreciating look as the anger was still very manifested in his entire being.
He'd parked sloppily right outside the bar and got the back door open. He pulled her down over his shoulder slowly, made sure to get a hand underneath her head as it bopped back.
"Amanda?" he tried before he made an attempt to put her in the back. The fact he had to hold her up completely probably was the only hint he needed to know she was out but he was a little concerned about the amount of alcohol she had in her system. From what little he'd seen of her behavior inside he was afraid she had too much.
"Amanda?" he tried again and got a hand up to slap her cheek slightly. It made her whimper but she still seemed unable to put any weight on her own feet. At least she'd made a noise so he was a little relieved. He tensed up immediately though as he heard the bar door and felt the presence. The two men that had stepped out in a hurry though backed up slightly as they saw the sergeant's harsh face as he turned around.
"Sarge," one of the men breathed with his hands up in the air. Eli recognized Chris' detective and he also recognized the one next to him, it was one of his own.
"We only wanted to…" his detective said softly holding out her boots for him to see. Eli frowned as he looked down, he hadn't even registered she wasn't wearing anything on her feet. The other detective held out her jacket.
"Put them in the front," he said cocking his head at the door up ahead of him. His detective took the jacket from the other one and put the things in the passenger seat.
"Look we would've… if it got bad enough…" his guy stammered slightly.
"It was bad enough," Eli scolded. The two detectives looked even more ashamed. Eli tried to calm down, he knew it was probably one of them that called Chris but he still wasn't pleased they'd been a part of that degrading spectacle.
"I expect more of you," he said looking at his detective, "and of you," he said looking at Chris' guy.
"I know," his detective answered bashfully, "Can we help you get her in the car…"
Eli looked briefly to the woman in his arms.
"No, enough men have had their hands on her tonight, just scoot," Eli said cocking his head at them to leave.
He couldn't deal with them tonight, it would have to wait. They looked reluctant to leave but knew Eli never messed around and they slowly started walked down the street. Eli made sure they took off but then started with the somewhat strenuous work to hoist Amanda in to the back seat. He climbed in with her, hovering over her as he tried to get her over on her side slightly to keep her airways free. And maybe also to have her throw up on the floor, he was rather certain that would happen sooner or later.
Turning her meant touching her a bit though and she started mumbling a little.
"No… please… don't…"
He couldn't make out all she was saying but he heard enough to keep his hands off her.
"You're okay Amanda," he tried as he felt a need to reassure her she was safe, "No one's going to… hurt you now."
He dared to brush some hair off her face before he climbed back out. He made sure her feet were folded on the seat before he shut the door carefully. He walked around behind the car and got in behind the wheel. He rolled down both front windows hoping the air would do her a little good as he took off from the curb.
He'd called Liv from the car, he had arrived a little quicker than planned but now here he was standing on the curb next to Olivia. He hated making her upset and he knew this would upset her. He'd spent numerous nights listen to her vent her concerns over her detective, even more frequently as that shrink's stepson had started stalking the detective and resurfacing some old wounds. Wounds for Amanda mostly obviously but also for her squad.
He reached out and stroke a strand of her hair behind her ear so he could see her better but also because he felt like touching her.
"I wasn't sure where to take her, I figured…" he stopped talking as he really wasn't sure what he'd figured.
"No," she said a bit hoarsely and she had to clear her throat before she continued, "Fin is out of town, it was good that you brought her to me."
Liv managed a smile at him but it vanished as she turned her eyes back at Amanda.
"You have time to help me get her upstairs?" she finally said.
"Of course," he said and stepped in.
"No, get her things in the passenger seat instead, I got her," he said as he knew it would be easier if he just carried her by himself.
Liv reluctantly let Amanda go but then hurried around to fetch her things. Eli grabbed a hold under her arms and pulled her out. Before she was completely out he switch his grip around her, put one arm underneath her knees and one around her back. He lifted her up, readjusted her slightly to get a better grip around her and then used his foot to kick the door shut. Liv came back around carrying Amanda's jacket and boots and she helped him get Amanda's head up a little against his shoulder. Before they'd reached the other side of the street though her head had tilted back down. Eli could see Liv throwing concern looks.
"She's fine," he reassured her, "get the door."
Liv sighed but did as told and hurried a head slightly. He let her readjust Amanda's head once they were in the elevator. Mostly because he knew it would make her feel better, Amanda could care less at this point. When Liv caught him looking at her she tried a smile but knew he knew it was forced. She couldn't stop blaming herself, she should've been able to prevent this from happening. She'd seen the slow descend. This shouldn't have had to happen.
She was still scolding herself as they entered her apartment but she soon got other things to think about. He'd asked her where she wanted him to put Amanda down and she'd answered the guest room. That's where they were heading, Liv walking in ahead to make sure the bed was cleared when Eli suddenly called for her attention. She saw him rush by the door towards the bathroom.
She rushed after, hearing things fall over in the bathroom as Eli ducked towards the shower with Amanda. He'd heard familiar sounds down her throat, feared she would choke on her own vomit but at the same time not wanting her to throw up all over the hallway. Liv just made it there in time to swipe Amanda's hair out of the way as Eli tipped her forward. He still had to hold her up, all while her mostly unconscious body threw up all over the shower.
"You're okay, you're okay," Liv soothed, rubbing her free hand over Amanda's back even though she probably wasn't aware of any of it.
"I think we need to clean her up a little," Eli said once he thought Amanda was done.
She'd been still in his arms for quite some time. Liv tied a rubber band around Amanda's hair so she was able to let it go. She rinsed out the shower quickly and then they helped each other out to clean Amanda up. Liv toweled her dry best she could. Amanda's top was both stained and wet though.
"Hold on," Liv said and then stood up to walk out. She came back with a clean tee.
"Maybe I should…" Eli wasn't sure he should stay around for this.
"You're family Eli," Liv said though, "Can you sit her up a little."
Eli struggled a little to get her up, it was hard work to handle deadweight but rearranging her legs a little he got her in a better position and Liv could start to peel off her top. She swallowed hard as Amanda's back got exposed, it had been a while since she saw it last. Liv caught sight of Eli's strained face but he collected himself quickly when he noticed Liv watching him. She realized he hadn't seen the extensive scaring Simon's torture had left her with.
It also dawned on her that Amanda might be the case, that victim, that stayed with him. She knew it all too well, how some victims sneaked their way in under your skin. She had a missing boy case from more than 10 years back that still haunted her. That boy's face popped up in her mind now and then to this day. And there were other victims, mostly surviving rape victims, that stayed with her constantly. Faces and wounds she would never get rid of, might not want to get rid of either. In some odd way it helped to carry on, to work harder for that next victim. Obviously Amanda's case also had a profound effect on Liv and she talked about it often with Eli but she realized she never had listen to him in this case. She vouched to herself to turn the tables when she got a chance.
Liv hurried to run the other side of the wet towel over Amanda's front and back. She couldn't help but notice something sticking up of her jeans and she got a sick feeling as she pulled up a dollar bill shoved down her pants. Eli watched her as she crumbled it together and tossed it towards the trash bin. Liv picked up the tee and carefully put it over Amanda's head.
"Wait," Liv said as Eli was about to help with one of Amanda's arms. She put her hands up inside Amanda's tee and unhooked her bra.
"Believe me, she'll sleep better without it," Liv whispered as she swiped the bra off. They then took one arm each. It was when Liv pulled up Amanda's hair and thought about redoing her ponytail she spotted the marks on her neck. She immediately investigated closer, turned Amanda's head to get more light on what she thought she saw and Eli had to look at what she found so interesting.
"Did she get these tonight?" Liv asked. Eli shrugged.
"I don't think so," was all he could answer.
Liv ran her fingers over the slight bruises that she detected on both sides of her throat. They were too fresh to have been inflicted by Anton, Liv thought to herself. If she hadn't seen him again that was. She did not like the looks of this at all.
"What?" Eli asked wanting to know what was in her head. Liv shook him off though.
"Take her to bed?" Eli asked as he knew she wouldn't talk about whatever it was bothering her right now.
He had a pretty good idea, he remembered the marks around Amanda's neck that time he'd been called over to Fin years ago. Liv nodded and stood by to make sure he was able to get a good grip around Amanda as he lifted her off the floor. Amanda moaned a little. Liv was quickly there with a hand on her cheek. She was concerned but couldn't help but feel as it was a good sign too, she was alive and felt it.
Eli put Amanda down carefully on the bed in the guest room. He stepped away to give Liv room to rearrange Amanda's limbs a little.
"I really should head back, will you be okay here?" he had to ask. He really didn't feel like leaving her alone but his phone had buzzed a few times already. Liv had heard the buzzing too and knew he had to get back to work.
"There's not much more we can do for her now anyway, " she said rising from the bedside to stroke Eli's arm. He grabbed her hand when she got down there.
"Thank you so much for… bringing her here," Liv said, her voice cracking up a little. He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed her knuckles.
"She'll be okay," he whispered, "we'll make sure of it."
Liv did her best to look as convinced as he sounded. She really wanted to believe him but doubt reared its ugly head in the back of her mind.
"Call me," he said, "if you need anything."
"Thank you Eli," she whispered before putting her lips on his.
When she tried to withdraw he grabbed her to just hold her lips against his for a while longer. He needed it as much as she did right then and she had a smile on her face when he let her go.
"I'd put a bin by her bed," Eli said with a raised eyebrow. Liv nodded, smile still lingering.
"Bye," he whispered and shot one last look over Amanda's way before he stepped out. Liv stayed planted for a while but turned her head towards Amanda. She pulled a deep sigh and sat down next to her sleeping detective.
"What are we gonna do with you," Liv whispered while pushing away some strands of hair from Amanda's forehead.
"What am I gonna do…" she said putting her hand on Amanda's cheek.
If there was ever a time she knew how a vampire felt it was now. The sun hurt so deeply she was sure it was actually killing her. Even with her eyes close it felt as though the light tried to claw out her sockets. Her skin felt hot and bothered. If she had the strength she would move herself out of the sun light but frying actually sounded more compelling than moving a single muscle. Even in this dazed state she regretted the thought immediately.
Frying was definitely worse. When you'd been through all levels of hell you knew, and really had the right to value the difference. Burning was worse than whipped. Whipped was a slightly worse than getting poisoned by a snake. If you counted in the fear of the snake then it beat whipped but then you really had gone down a slippery slope cause if you counted in facts like fear and humiliation then you had to reevaluate the classification. Peeing yourself while… oh why was she thinking about this now? Didn't she already feel bad enough?
Snapping out of her morbid thoughts she had time to start to wonder where she was. The light didn't reach the bed in Fin's bedroom and in her room it was only the evening sun that reached her bed. These rays felt like deadly-too-early-laser-beams and not like the nice, warming evening ones. She got a little scared when she tried to move her hands but couldn't get a sense of them. Pulling them out from underneath the pillow under her head she realized they were just oxygen deprived and the tingling that started as she managed to drag them further down on the bed was actually a welcomed even though uncomfortable feeling. At least she had her hands left. That was also something you learnt to appreciate when you've been held by a maiming serial killer. Stop.
Once the sensation came back in her touch she could tell the fabric in the sheets were different, these were way silkier than any of Fin's. She was still unable to open her eyes but when she felt she had her jeans and tee on she felt a little calmer. Not finding anything but a wall and nothing on either side of her felt good too as apparently the memory of where she'd woken up yesterday wasn't erased by whatever she had been up to last night. What had she been up to? She really had to open up her eyes now.
"Sweet Jesus," she mumbled once she managed to open up her eyes slightly and realized what a huge mistake that was. She was sure her sight was lost for good. Okay not really but the pain was real. She managed to cover her eyes with one hand and made another attempt to open her eyes up. It went a little better this time until she realized she hadn't really opened her eyes at all. Maybe she should just give up and let the sun fry her? It wasn't like she could get in any worse state than she was already in right?
But anxiety started to creep in. She really had no idea where she was at and that was a scary feeling. She remembered beer, and bars, lots of bars, and beers. Oh Gawd her head hurt. She hoped old memories were resurfacing as she heard the Cherry Pie tune ringing in her ears as she saw images of men down by her feet. Oh Gawd what had she done last night? She had some memories of a cop bar but again she really hoped it was old memories popping up because she wasn't sure she could take the shame.
The pain told her she had in fact managed to open her eyes up this time. Just moving them from side to side hurt so she tried moving her head instead. The pain was just slightly less in her neck. She spotted a bed stand. A glass of water on top of it. She couldn't see much else. She managed to get her hand up against the wall behind her and with some help of that she pushed herself up slightly on her side.
She still had no idea where she was at. She didn't recognize the room but was grateful the window at least didn't seem to have bars over it. Looking over to the door though it was closed and she was a little afraid she would later find that it was locked. Right now though making it over to the door seemed like a too big of an adventure. If she could sit up that would be progress enough she figured.
When she spotted the plastic bucket by the side of her bed though she suddenly learned she could move faster than she thought. Whoever had put it there was a godsend Amanda had time to think as she grabbed for it and managed to get over it just as she hurled. She thought it was over a few times but then some residue beer found its way up her throat making her gag again. She dry heaved for some time and so to not keel over in to the bucket she brought it up on the bed and managed to actually sit up.
During the dry heaving she had time to reflect over the fact she didn't have her own top on, at least she didn't think it was hers. But it was her jeans and they were zipped and buttoned up. Thank God. She really needed that water on the bed stand but she just couldn't reach for it. Once she spotted the two small pills next to the glass though she felt it was worth the effort.
She rinsed out her mouth and spit it down the bucket. Oh the stench. If it didn't hurt so much she would've frowned. She relied completely on whoever had put the pills on the bed stand, if the pills was cyanide so be it, she figured she was living on borrowed time anyway. Once the pills were down she really felt like just burying herself in the bed but curiosity as well as some angst made her feel a need to find out if that door was locked or not.
She had plenty of time to rethink her initial plan as she slowly made her way over to the door. Every bit of her hurt right now but the head the most and she really started to rethink it's placement on the body, surely it could fit down by the floor somewhere instead. Screw not being able to see above a threshold.
When she finally made it over to the door she had to just stop and breathe for a while as she used the wall next to the door as a place to rest her head against. Her eyes soon landed on the handle though and she started to work herself up dreading to find it locked. She wasn't sure what she'd though if it was locked. She would die. Again.
She lived. The relief once the door just slid open was beyond words. Unfortunately the relief was only momentarily as the humongous hangover claimed her entire being again. Looking outside she still had no idea where she was but something felt familiar. She heard noises and started moving towards the sound. Somewhere half way down the hallway she realized where she was, she'd been here a few times before, but she was a master at oblivion and this was a realization she would rather be without.
Everything went from bad to worse the moment she spotted Liv in her kitchen area. Amanda ducked behind the corner again, pasting herself close to the wall. Why was she here? How did she get here? What had she done? She didn't have any answers to any of her questions. She was still hoping the memories popping up were old ones since she just didn't think she could live with the embarrassment. This giant headache was surely a result of heavy drinking. Surely she could just be mixing memories together? There was just no way she would've been dancing on a bar last night and to Cherry Pie of all songs. Just no way.
She didn't think she could feel any worse but she'd been wrong. When Liv suddenly came around the corner it scared the crap out of her and she was convinced her heart wasn't beating until she realized it was beating too fast to even register. She'd tried to scream but nothing had come out of her throat, instead it was Liv's startled cry that tried to shatter her ear drums.
"Oh my… I didn't…" Liv breathed once she calmed down. The hand that had gone up to her mouth quickly went over to Amanda's arm as Liv stepped closer to her.
"You look like you need to sit down," Liv said with great concern. Amanda tried shaking her off even though she felt as though her legs were going to buckle underneath her at any second.
"Are you sure?" Liv asked and made sure she had some room between herself and the younger woman. Amanda seemed to need it.
Why aren't you scolding me? You should be firing me. You should be angry, upset, disappointed. Amanda nodded.
"C'mon," Liv still said and pulled at Amanda's arm a little. Amanda felt too weak to object, she wasn't sure she was allowed to either, and let Liv lead her away from the wall. Amanda felt really bothered by the consideration, she didn't feel as though she deserved any concern at this time, she would much rather have Liv scold her even though it would probably increase her headache. Liv stuck around to make sure Amanda sat comfortable and then hurried around the counter.
"I'm making some breakfast for us," Liv said as she approached the stove. She'd been keeping the scrambled eggs on low heat for a while but increased it now. She put a few slices of bread in the toaster before she went over to the fridge. She brought out a glass and walked back over to Amanda with it. Liv smiled at the doubtful look Amanda gave the glass.
"It's coconut water, well a homemade version as I didn't have fresh coconut at home," Liv explained. Amanda looked suspicious still.
"Try some, it's good for you," Liv said as she walked back over to the stove.
Amanda didn't want to be ungrateful but all she really wanted right now was a cup of coffee even though she knew caffeine wasn't that great the day after. The coolness of the drink was at least nice but when Liv arrived with a plate any comfort was gone again. Amanda swallowed hard watching the egg and toast on the plate Liv served her.
"It will do you good, trust me," Liv said as she walked away again to not crowd her. Liv tried to not make it too obvious she threw Amanda a few glances as she fixed a plate for herself. Amanda wasn't touching her fork and it did concern Liv. Liv walked back over and had a seat opposite her. Again she did her best to not stare Amanda down. The detective had another taste of her drink served but she wasn't touching her plate.
"You really should try some," Liv finally had to say to break the awkward silence. Amanda fingered her fork but didn't pick it up.
"If you had the pills they will help your head but with an empty stomach they'll give you new grief," Liv said before stuffing her own mouth. Liv wasn't sure if it was the information or just biting the bullet that finally made Amanda grab the fork. Her hand seemed a little shaky and drummed against the plate before she was able to separate the two.
"It's really nice weather out," Liv said in an attempt to make the moment less tense but she knew it was hard to make this situation any less uncomfortable. She watched Amanda threw a glance over at the window. She was chewing something in her mouth at least which made Liv pleased. She just hoped Amanda would be able to keep it down.
It did look like nice weather outside. What weather was it yesterday? Amanda had no idea, yesterday was still mostly a blur. The eggs in her mouth suddenly felt like the soggy lumps with a taste reminisce of what she'd been up to earlier. She put the water to her mouth and tried washing it all down in one go. It worked some but she realized it wasn't nausea taking over her body, no this feeling no homemade coconut water would wash away. She tried some toast but it filled up her mouth and she had to fight everything to not spit it out like some child. Not that she was acting so maturely lately.
"I'm sorry," she whispered as she put down her fork. She knew she would disappoint her boss by not eating but the apology went beyond just the food. She felt her sergeant's eyes on her but she couldn't face her.
"What's going on Amanda?" Liv asked putting down her fork as well.
"I… I just, with Fin being gone…" Amanda couldn't believe her own lie and knew she was doing a poor job of it.
"This isn't just about Fin being away Amanda, something has been going on with you for some time now," Liv said trying to suppress some of the concern that welled up inside of her.
She knew she couldn't get too emotional. She was Amanda's supervisor but also in charge of the unit and it put her in a difficult spot. It put her in a situation she didn't want to be in and that Amanda clearly didn't want to be in either. She kept her head down, she looked pale and miserable, the tee hanging off her sloping shoulders and it took everything for Liv to not walk around the counter and just give the young woman a hug.
"Was it the Lucas situation? Did that set something off? It wouldn't be strange if…" Liv quiet down as she caught Amanda shaking her head slightly.
"I'm fine," Amanda said not so convincingly.
"You're not Amanda," Liv said seriously, "Do you remember how you ended up here last night?"
Amanda stirred a little on her chair, obviously bothered by the question. She pulled a little at her top.
"Eli brought you over here," Liv said and waited until Amanda's nervous eyes glanced up slightly.
"You were at that cop bar in Brooklyn," Liv said still not sure how much Amanda remembered.
"Do you remember what you were doing as he walked in?"
"Amanda?" Liv had to urge as Amanda seemed reluctant to answer.
"I was just… blowing off steam," Amanda mumbled.
"I want to trust you Amanda," Liv said but the pause she took before she continued was telling, "That's not a good way for anyone to blow off steam but particularly not for you. It's not a good place for you to be in and you have to be aware of that…"
Amanda had turned her head back down and Liv felt like reaching out to shake her. She needed Amanda to talk to her but she wasn't sure how to make that happen.
"Amanda please talk to me," Liv said leaning over the counter slightly. It hurt to see Amanda shy backwards.
"I get that what Lucas put you through… frazzled you. It would disturb anyone to have to go through something like that but with your past… I understand that you are going through something right now but it worries me Amanda, to see you… Visiting Anton's club, and even if I'm sure he deserved it you can't go off on a suspect like that. And adding what happened last night…"
Liv took a deep breath studying Amanda who still refused to look at her.
"Amanda…" Liv begged, "Please tell me what's going on…"
Amanda had been sitting mostly still but now she stirred again. Her eyes never came all the way up to meet Liv's but at least she made attempts though which Liv took as a positive sign. She was hopeful when Amanda seemed to clear her throat to say something.
"I… I really need the bathroom," Amanda said quietly. She didn't move though. Seemed to wait for permission.
"It's down the hall right…" Amanda whispered. When Liv didn't answer she was forced to look up but she kept hiding a little behind her bangs.
"Yeah it's down the hall," Liv sighed, her disappointment evident in her entire being. Amanda slid off her chair slowly. She really did need the bathroom but it wasn't such an emergency, she just couldn't take hearing Liv's disappointment in her even though she deserved it. She stopped by the room she'd slept in to bring the bucket with her. She just couldn't leave that mess for her boss to handle as well.
Liv stuck her fork in her food, contemplating to have some more but she'd lost her appetite. She looked at Amanda's plate, it was barely touched. She thought about heating it though, she wouldn't give up that easily. While waiting for Amanda to get back she took care of the dishes. She had time to check her phone and reply to a text Eli had sent a little earlier. He was just checking in and to let her know he was there if she needed him. She really didn't know what she'd done to deserve him but just by sending her that text he'd given her the strenght to go in for round two. Amanda had been gone for more than twenty minutes and Liv walked down the hall to make sure she was okay. She heard nothing from inside and finally knocked softly.
"Amanda, are you okay?" Liv's voice came through the door. The knock had startled Amanda and she'd almost knocked a soap dispenser off the sink. She'd held on to the sink for several minutes now, not wanting to go back out to face the mess she'd caused.
"Yeah," she managed to answer somehow.
"Can you open up?" Liv asked. Amanda shot a quick look at herself in the mirror but wished she hadn't, it did nothing to get her confidence up, she looked like hell.
"Please," Liv begged through the door. Amanda knew there was no way out of this and she hurried to open the door before she just rolled up into a ball on the floor.
"Look I'm sorry," Amanda hurried to say once the door wasn't between them any longer, "You have every right to be disappointed in me, I failed you… and Fin. I'm so sorry. I know you could, probably should fire me…"
Amanda had to chip for air and Liv took a chance to cut in by placing a soft hand on Amanda's arm.
"Hey, just take a deep breath," Liv begged and took it with Amanda to help her out. Liv shot her a smile.
"Amanda I'm not going to fire you for going through a rough time," Liv said, "but I'm not going to just sit by and watch you struggle either. There's no reason for you to deal with this on your own, that's why you have me and why you have your team, your squad. I offered you my hand years ago and it's still there for you to grab whenever you need it. I'm your boss but I'm also your friend Amanda, don't ever forget that."
Liv squeezed her arm a little, then rubbed her hand a little up and down before she removed it. She knew she had already overstayed her welcome there and didn't want to make Amanda feel even more uncomfortable than she was already feeling.
Amanda felt overwhelmed with the compassion Liv again showed her. Even though a voice inside her head still told her to keep her guard up a part of her did trust Liv. That part of her just wanted to throw herself in her arms and cry but she settled with trying a smile at her boss. It wasn't at all sufficient enough to repay her kindness but Liv at least seemed pleased with that small gesture.
"I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have… I mean I had too much to drink, I don't… remember what happened and I'm sorry I… landed here," Amanda wasn't really sure what to say but she felt utterly embarrassed about yesterday.
"That I'm not sorry about," Liv said quickly, "I mean you can always land here Amanda, you can always come here. My door is open. Day or night."
"Thanks," Amanda mumbled trying to swallow down some of the embarrassment.
"And… Eli carried you up here last night in case you don't remember that part," Liv let her know, "You don't have to worry about him though. He's just worried about you, he cares for you too. You got sick so I had to change your top. I didn't want to leave you last night but I ran down with it this morning so it should be done in an hour or so. Will need to dry though but it will give us some time to finish breakfast, maybe talk some... Feel free to keep the tee though, it's an old one."
"Thanks," Amanda mumbled again pulling at it a little.
"You're more than welcome," Liv said honestly.
"So you want to try some more food? I know from experience it will make you feel better even if it doesn't feel like it right now," Liv said. Amanda gave her a brief nod.
"Okay, well I'm just going to use the bathroom but I'll be right there. Just heat your plate in the microwave if you feel like it okay?" Liv said as she swopped places with Amanda.
Again Amanda gave her a brief nod before she headed down the hallway. Liv followed her with her eyes as long as she could before closing the door behind her. She spotted the bucket she'd left by Amanda's bed tilted upside down by her shower and with the slight scent of her freshener in there Liv figured what she'd cleaned up. She'd checked in on Amanda twice since she'd woken up and both times she'd seemed to be resting nicely but Liv remembered all too well the cascades her mother had produced once she'd woken up after a night, or a few days, of heavy drinking. The stench of puke was merged with her childhood.
She used the bathroom and then used the sink to wash her hands. Just as she turned off the water she thought she heard a sound out there and froze for a second to give it a listen. When she didn't hear anything though she went along and dried her hands before she headed back out. She took the turn in to her kitchen area but didn't spot Amanda by her plate.
"Amanda?" she called out walking around to check the living room. She didn't spot her there either and when she looked back over at the counter she spotted her notepad pulled out. She hurried back over to the counter.
"Thank you for everything. A" the note read and Liv put her fist down on the counter so the plates rattled. Damn it, she thought as she pulled a deep sigh. She could only hope that what little had been said between them was enough to make Amanda understand she didn't have to deal with this on her own. She hoped this was some roadblock that would change things back to the better but something in Liv's gut made her worry that wasn't the case.
Amanda felt sick again once she reached the curb outside Liv's apartment building. She'd taken the stairs way too quickly for her current state but she was afraid to slow down now and hurried down the road. She usually enjoyed the fresh air but today it felt sticky and intrusive and she waved down a cab as soon as she was able to. She hadn't even checked she still had her card and everything else in her jacket but could relax once she found it all in her pocket.
Once home she took a long shower, leaving her clothes in a pile in the corner of the bathroom. No matter how long she showered for nothing could make her feel better right now. She'd made such a fool of herself yesterday. Eli had carried her up to Liv's. Oh the humiliation. She'd ruined her top and could only imagine throwing up over Liv as well. Maybe even Eli? Oh the grief. She tried rubbing her skin raw, it usually worked but not today. She stepped out of the shower and immediately over to the toilet where she heaved a few times without anything coming out. The sick feeling stayed inside of her and her entire body ached.
Fin stepped through the door later that day. He was really happy to be home. Not that he didn't enjoy the time he'd spent with his son but they'd forced him down on the beach and he still found sand in the most uncomfortable places. He liked warm and cozy but the heat he could do without. There was a reason he liked the seasons of New York even though the grizzly winters wasn't so great either. Okay he was fussy but he thought he had the right with age.
He also liked his home. He loved his neighborhood and he liked the feeling of stepping inside his apartment. He knew a big part of that was that he shared his home with someone he loved. Hearing the TV as he stepped inside, knowing she was in there made his heart warm. He was in for a surprise though as she showed up almost immediately, wrapping her arms around him even before he was able to get his bag off his shoulder.
"Wow, you…" he started but got interrupted by her lips over his. He quickly lost himself in the sweet kiss, his bag rolling off his shoulder and hit the floor as his hands gently swept around her small frame. She pressed herself up against him, her arms locked around his neck.
She tasted coffee and Amanda, and he took all of her in with all his senses. She smelled fresh, he could feel a few strands of damp hair against his face and he let his big palms go up and down her back where he could feel her ribs through the oversized hoodie she was wearing.
She separated from his lips when she had to take a breath but she kept her hold around him and so did he around her.
"I should be gone more often," he smiled but her face dropped immediately.
"Please don't," she whispered.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked letting one hand go around her so he could touch her cheek. He noticed how pale she looked.
"Nothing, I just missed you," she hurried to say and tried to smile. She avoided his concerned eyes by hugging him and burying her face by his neck so she could take in the smell of him.
"I missed you too," he chuckled heartfelt as his arms went around her again. He chuckled a little louder as she managed to climb up on him and once her legs were around his hips he helped her out by grabbing on underneath her.
"Take me to the kitchen," she asked.
"Kitchen?" he questioned and felt her nod against his neck. He might've wished she'd said the bedroom but right now he was fine with just having her near, he'd really missed her too. They'd seemed to miss each other calls for the entire time he'd been away and only communicated through voice mail and texts.
"Can I take my jacket off?" he asked but chuckled as he felt her shake her head.
"Always so demanding," he teased as he walked inside with her.
"Well someone's been a little homemaker," he whistled as he got in to the kitchen area.
He put her down on the counter but didn't let her go, neither did she him.
"I've made you chicken kebab, I just need to heat the bread," she said as they both looked at the pots and pans over by the stove.
"If you're not that hungry, or maybe if you are then I've also made fudge truffle-pecan tart, it's in the freezer… what?" she stopped and asked once she caught the face he gave her.
"You've made a… tart?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah?" she answered with a crocked smile.
"What happen to you while I was gone," he smiled as he placed a kiss on her lips but he felt the corners of her mouth drop and pulled away. He studied her closely but didn't get time to ask what was wrong.
"Can't I just cook for you?" she asked sounding a little offended but the smile on her face made him a little perplexed.
She pushed him off slightly so she could jump off the counter.
"So are you hungry or not?" she asked shooting him a smile over her shoulder.
"Very," he smiled back at her.
She put the oven on and he kept watching her as he pulled his jacket off. She stirred some of the pots after she'd put the heat on. He walked up to her and leaned his back against the counter next to her so he could watch her.
"Is everything okay?" he asked seriously. He wasn't sure if she deliberately tried to avoid his gaze or if she really was busy stirring the pots.
"Aha," she mumbled right before she put a piece of chicken to his mouth. He waited a second but then let her feed him the piece of meat.
"Taste okay?" she asked with a slight vulnerability to her tone. He nodded.
"More than okay, it's really good," he said to give her proper feedback. She deserved it, it did taste really good and he knew how easily she got intimidated in the kitchen. It warmed his heart to see how much she appreciated the praise but she still seemed a little nervous.
"I really appreciate you going through all this trouble for me," he said.
"It's no trouble," she said quietly with her eyes down one of the pots.
"You kinda deserve it" she added just as quietly but glancing up at him.
He shot her one of those goofy smiles he mostly saved for her and he found the slight blush on her cheeks adorable.
"Do I have time for a quick shower?" he asked and she nodded.
"Great," he said, leaned in to give her temple a kiss before he walked off.
He walked in to his bedroom and found his bed made just the way he'd left it. He didn't think much of it but just started tossing his clothes on the bed. He walked in to the bathroom and jumped in the shower immediately, he couldn't wait to dig in to that dinner she'd made him. Toweling up he spotted her clothes in the corner and started picking them up. He recognized her jeans but couldn't recall ever seeing the tee before. He just hung the items on the knob of the door though and walked back to his bedroom to throw some new clothes back on.
"I'm back," he announced as he walked back in to the kitchen area. His eyes were directed elsewhere so he missed the flinch as she hadn't heard him coming. She managed to spill some hot sauce on her hand and she hurried over to the sink where she put it under running, cold water.
"You okay?" he asked walking up behind her.
"Yeah, just washing my hands," she hurried to say, "You hungry?"
"Very," he said rubbing her back gently. He was hungry but right now he couldn't let her go with his eyes. He'd missed her very much.
"What?" she asked turning the water off even though the burn still stung.
"Just glad to be home," he smiled.
"Heat got to you that bad," she smiled back at him.
"I so hope they won't move there," Fin said and managed to pull away from her.
He smiled hearing her light chuckle behind his back though. It ended abruptly and he shot a glance over his shoulder as he went to get some plates. She looked a bit tense as she headed back over to the stove but she could've just been focus he thought to himself as he placed two plates on the counter.
"I had some earlier," she said as she brought one of the pots over to him.
He did doubt her sincerity but the smile she shot him looked genuine and he sat down on the chair by the counter as she seemed to want to serve him. She got everything set for him and then asked what he wanted to drink. When there wasn't much else for her to do and he was digging in to his food she sat down on the chair next to him and watched him eat. He didn't really mind her looking at him but it seemed unusual. She had acted a little strange ever since he got home but in the back of his mind he hoped it was because she'd missed him as much as he'd missed her.
"Do you have some laundry?" she asked once she remembered he'd dropped his bag by the door.
"Uh… no," he managed to grab a hold of her wrist before she'd gotten too far away from him.
"It can wait, I rather have you here," he smiled with a mouth full of food. She smiled a little awkwardly as she sat down again.
"Can I get you some more?" she asked even though he hadn't finished his plate yet.
"I'm fine for now, just relax," he said.
"I am," she countered quickly, her voice fading, "…relaxed."
She pulled her hands in to her sleeves seeming a little bothered.
"So what have you been up to while I was gone?" he asked to ease the slight tension.
"Nothing," she answered, again the answer came a bit too quickly.
"I mean work kept me busy you know," she added like she realized her own mistake and she ended it with a smile that she didn't manage to hold on to for long. He watched her as he took another bite.
"Something new come in?" he asked curiously. She shook her head.
"You must've had some free time…"
"Not much. You sure I can't get you some more?" she said as she got up off her chair.
"This was really good Manda but I'm full, maybe there's enough for lunch tomorrow?"
"Yeah sure," she said starting to clean up the stove a little.
"I do think I have some room left for that tart though…"
"Okay," she said upbeat and hurried to the freezer.
"It might need some time to defrost…" she said a bit apologetic.
"That's fine," he said, "It can sit with us in front of the TV for a while maybe?"
She looked happy as she cut a piece of the dessert for him.
"Let me…" she said once she noticed him coming over with the dishes.
"I got it," he said though blocking her with his body when she tried to grab what he was carrying. She seemed a little peeved but went back to fixing his dessert.
"You're not having any?" he asked while doing his dishes.
"Who do you think had to lick the bowl when you weren't around," she said cockily and it made him chuckle.
"Okay, okay," he mumbled and hurried up with the washing as that tart was making his mouth water.
They were soon planted in front of the TV, Amanda repeatedly apologizing for forgetting to DVR the shows they usually watched together. He had to tell her several times it was okay but she still seemed upset with herself. He really didn't mind but found it a little strange she hadn't seemed to been watching any TV while he was gone and it made him wonder what she'd been up to.
They found an older episode of Monsters and mysteries in America but not even the Tennessee wildman seemed to take the edge of her. He'd devour the tart almost immediately and she kept asking him if she could get him something. It was hard to say no to a second slice of that delicious dessert but he was completely full and he also wanted to keep her there. It wasn't hard for him to pick up that she was squirmy and what he wanted most was for her to relax.
"Well I'm glad I didn't know about those reptoid creatures before I went to the west coast," he said once the credits started to roll.
"Huh?" she asked.
"Hey what's up with you? You seem distracted, did something happen while I was gone?" he turned slightly towards her.
"No," she said making a face to him, "what about those creatures?"
"Never mind, talk to me Amanda. What's going on?"
He could tell she was about to get up off the couch so he grabbed her arm gently. She reacted harshly though, like it hurt her but she snapped out of it quickly and her face relaxed again.
"Nothing's going on," she said putting on a smile but he could tell it was fake.
"I'm happy you're home," she said and snuggled up to him. He knew it was a way to get away from the subject but he didn't mind her arms around him and her face nuzzling in to his neck.
"I'm happy to be home too," he agreed, "and I'm not planning on going anywhere for a while now."
"That's good," she whispered and squeezed herself even tighter to him.
He hadn't planned to let her off that easily but he got a little lost in having her that close and he was getting a little tired after the flight and a couple of intense days on the west coast. He would've been perfectly satisfied crashing there on the couch but it didn't take long until she asked him if she could get him anything.
"I'm perfectly fine with you in my arms," he mumbled with his eyes closed. He could feel her head shift and just the notion he'd be able to look in to those blue eyes of hers made him use the little energy he had left to pop his eyes back up. Her eyes were slightly hidden behind her eyelids but came up to meet his when she felt his eyes on her. He shot her a smile and she shot him a nervous one back.
"You want me to…" she started but didn't seem able to finish the sentence. He got what she hinted at though as her hand had been sliding downwards and then went running down his crotch. His eyes went down to her hand before they went back up to meet her somewhat insecure gaze.
"I could…" she started but again seemed unable to finish but instead rose up so her lips could nudge at his slightly. Her hand went up and down his member. Again his body told him one thing while his brain told him another. He feared this was just another one of her escape routes but his urges took over for a few moments and he let out a long moan as he succumb to the pleasure of her touch. Before he got too lost in his desire he grabbed a hold of her wrist slightly.
"I… need to get tested," he said cautiously, "I… was with someone… last night."
He was afraid he would hurt her but he had to be honest. He hadn't planned on hooking up, hadn't even felt the need but she'd been all over him and finally he'd given in. He'd used protection, he wasn't that stupid but he still wanted to get tested to make sure he didn't expose her to something.
She swallowed hard but did her best to not let her disappointment show on her face. She really had no right to be upset. She had to get tested too as she didn't even know what she'd been up to lately. She didn't blame him for turning to someone else, she hadn't done her duty for years now. They had never been exclusive. Pre-Simon it was a mutual decision but after Simon it had gotten a whole lot more complicated. She'd felt as Fin wanted more out of her than she could give him…
"Amanda you okay?" he asked worryingly as he'd seen her eyes go vacant. She nodded.
"I could just…," she suggested as she could feel he was still erect under her touch and she grabbed a hold of him.
"You don't have…" He'd meant to say she didn't have to but his sentence got stuck in his throat as his body reacted to her touch. Not even being inside that woman last night felt as good as a single touch by her and for a moment he was unable to stop her.
"Amanda…" he managed to breath. He went for her wrist again but she saw it coming and swiped her knee over him guarding her own moving hand.
"I can feel you like it," she breathed with her lips just by his, "let me…"
"No, no, no…" he mumbled without being able to put much force behind the objection.
"Yes, yes…" she said nudging at his lip again.
All she wanted was to be allowed to please him, she felt as she at least owed him that. He pulled a deep breath to try and sober himself up but with her proximity all it did was fill him with her scent. He wasn't sure if it was to stop her or to advance the situation but he grabbed a hold of her and flipped her over so he ended up slightly on top of her. He had apparently planned to kiss her but the gasp she drew and the way her body immediately tensed up made him pull back. She tried to compose herself but it was easier said than done and he had already seen the fear in her eyes. When he tried to roll back off her though she grabbed a hold of him.
"No, no, it's okay, please let's…" she said pulling him down on top of her again.
"No Amanda," he said completely sobered up now.
"I told you I need to get tested and…" he watched her seriously but decided to not tell her she wasn't ready, it was unnecessary to put that on her now.
"I don't mind," she tried but he slowly shook his head.
"But I want to…" she felt like crying. She had to please him, she just had to.
"I'm really tired okay? And I would love for you to lie close to me tonight. I've missed that so much. Could you do that for me? Lie close to me tonight?"
She eagerly nodded.
"Okay, let's get ready for bed then," he said as he sat up at the same time as he pulled her up too. She looked a little embarrassed and he tried to ease that by touching her cheek.
"I'm going to have you making this entire meal again soon," he said as he stood up, "it was seriously some of the best I've ever had."
She let him help her up by grabbing a hold of his extended hand.
"Thanks," she mumbled still feeling very awkward. He moved them down the hallway. Her head was a complete jumble. She wanted to tell him what she'd done. Not just this past weekend but before that too. How worried she was over Sierra but over herself as well. How she found herself doing things she didn't want to do. That she didn't think she wanted to do anyway but maybe she really did? Maybe this was who she was? She was only good for one thing.
"Amanda?" Fin brought her back to present.
"Huh?"
"You want to brush your teeth or should we head straight to bed?" he repeated his previous question.
She shrugged though. He gave her a second look but then brought her straight in to the bedroom. He took off everything but his boxers before he slipped under the cover. She only took off her hoodie and told herself it was only because she felt cold but it could have something to do with the bruises that would need a day or two before they vanished.
He placed himself so that she could get nearby but he didn't want to force her if she'd changed her mind. He was pleased though as she scooted closer and wrapped her arms around him. He wrapped his around her and rearranged himself so he could rest his head on top of hers.
"Will you tell me a story," he asked.
She knew what kind of story he was asking for. On rare occasions she told him tidbits from her past. She would never understand why he found them interesting, her past was nothing but sad. Although trying to keep the dreary parts in the past made her remember some moments that hadn't been so bad. Moments that had been filled with compassion and sometimes even love.
"Did I tell you my grandma had a piano?" she asked quietly. She felt him shake his head.
"She didn't play it often, it was more like a grand piano and functioned more as a piece of furniture with picture frames all over it," she mumbled against his chest listening to his heartbeats at the same time. The beat calmed her.
"She said she didn't have time to play. She always had something that had to be done in the kitchen, the yard… I guess when she had time to spare she rather read us stories or take us out of the house somewhere. She rarely just enjoyed things for herself. And she said she wasn't good at it but that was a lie, she was magnificent," Amanda reminisced with a smile in her tone.
He rubbed her arm gently. He loved listening to things from her past that made her happy. He'd heard and read too many that would beat any child's soul down but Amanda had somehow made it through, and not only that, she had flourished in his eyes. If he could only get her to see it too.
"I loved listening to her play," Amanda continued, "I crept in under the piano, even when I was too old to. My sister…"
She went silent for a while and he worried that the memory had been too painful but he held his breath to give her time.
"Kim… she came in after me, she always followed me everywhere," Amanda whispered without any grudge in her tone, "But she couldn't stand it under there, said it got too loud inside her head and she used to push her hands over her ears but then she had to leave."
He smiled as he felt her body rumble with a silent chuckle.
"I loved it though…" she whispered once the laughter had subsided, "When she was done she peeked in under the cloth that always covered the piano. She laughed and called me a little nutter."
She went quiet as the image of her beloved grandma slowly vaporized in front of her eyes.
"Did she play classical?" Fin guessed.
Amanda was a little surprised he'd guessed right and nodded against his chest.
"Is that why you tear up whenever you hear classical music?"
She frowned slightly, wanted to shake it off. She didn't tear up. She never teared up.
"No I don't…" she whispered ignoring the tears that had built up in the corner of her eyes.
"Of course you don't," he said placing a kiss on top of her head.
He knew she was lying but he wouldn't argue with her right now.
"Thanks for sharing that," he whispered instead.
It felt weird to say you're welcome so she hugged him a little tighter instead. She appreciated him so much for everything he did for her. She had to stop this poor behavior. She knew it would devastate him if he knew.
Amanda didn't even know how she'd be able to face anyone the following morning, she had this feeling she'd embarrassed herself in front of all of them. Thankfully Liv was already in her office so she could just plant herself by her desk all while Fin was greeted by Nick and Keith who wanted to know everything about his weekend trip. She tried to ignore the side eyes she felt Nick and Keith shot her.
It didn't take long until Liv stepped out, also curious about Fin's little getaway but also shooting Amanda a few long looks. Liv would've liked to have gotten a chance to talk one on one with Amanda but they'd gotten a new case, which seemed really troublesome as well, so it would just have to wait until later. She had to send them all out almost immediately. Amanda tried to hide her excitement to be able to get out of what felt like really cramp quarters right now.
Amanda also felt relief that Liv was taking the victim as she wasn't sure she could do empathic detective right now. She much rather deal with the crime scene but had to second guess that thought once she actually got a look at it. The place was a mess, completely trashed as the victim had put up quite a fight and there was a lot of blood. There was a slight comfort that some of the blood was the perpetrator's.
CSU got to the site soon after the detectives arrived and they started going from door to door instead, trying to find any witnesses. They worked well past lunch but when Fin started snapping at everything and anything Amanda realized she had to take him for a bite before someone lost more than their head. Thankfully he was too hungry to give Nick and Keith a chance to tag along and she was saved from their praying eyes through lunch at least.
They got to stay out in the field following up traces as Nick and Keith went back to the station to work from there. Amanda was fine with staying out, she found it was easier to keep the mind occupied while staying on her feet. Last thing she wanted right now was dwelling on what a disgrace she was and whatever her colleagues were thinking of her. She really had to stop being so self-centered, hopefully they had other things than her to worry about.
"Detective Rollins."
Amanda had just stepped out from the initial crime scene, they'd been called back to talk to a family member. Fin had stayed behind as Amanda stepped out to make a call to the station to get either Nick or Keith to check up on something the family member had mentioned. She was a little indecisive on which one of them to call, her finger lingering over their names when the male voice made her spin around.
"Lieutenant Tucker?" she said surprised taking a step further down on the stairs. She stopped there though as she sensed danger. What was he doing there? Whom was he looking for? Tucker never came with good news.
"You got a minute?" he asked. She wasn't sure what frighten her the most, the fact he seemed to be there looking for her or the grin on his face. She slowly descended down the last few steps trying to not show how nervous he made her. Not that he seemed to care though, he'd turned his attention out towards the street, looking at something to her unknown. She had always hated his smugness, that casual façade just before he went for your jugular.
"Tough case?" he asked without looking at her.
She really wished he could just get to the point.
"At SVU they all are," she answered quickly.
Tucker gave her a quick glance and nodded as he looked away again.
"You got a suspect yet?" he asked.
"No. Look I really have to make a call to the station…" she said as she wasn't up for whatever game he was playing.
She tried to not back down from the glare he gave her as he turned his head to face her again.
"I heard I missed quite a show at O'Malleys Saturday," he said.
It felt as a wall hit her. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. All she could do was watch Tucker's eyes slowly descending down her body and it made her feel like something underneath a shoe. He seemed to catch himself though, cleared his throat as he looked away wiping his mouth with his wrinkly, over-tanned hand. She had time to think it was probably a good thing she couldn't move as she might have punched him then.
"Seems you can't quit trying to ruin your career," Tucker said with his eyes still deflected. She swallowed hard. He wasn't wrong and she knew he had the power to end her career if he wanted to. She'd given him that power. Liv had warned her. She'd known this could happen but she'd kept pushing the limits. Stupid.
"Looks as it can come in handy though," he said looking at her again. She wasn't following and just kept staring at him.
"Would you be interested to do some UC work for me detective Rollins?"
She still wasn't following and swallowed hard while shooting him a puzzled look.
"I need a… troubled officer that might be interested in some street vengeance. Sounds like someone we know right?"
She gritted her teeth but tried to not let the contempt she felt for him show too much.
"What do you say detective? Feel like redeeming your reputation a little in the eyes of IAB? Trust me… you could need it," he said raising his eyebrows at her.
"What would I have to do?" she asked but regretted biting so quickly as she saw his smug grin spread across his face.
"Just what you've been doing. My subject was in the bar during your… display. From what I got reported he seemed interested in you. Not in the way you seemed to aim for but… in a way that could come in handy for me. We'd put you in his path, see if he might approach you… take it from there."
"I dunno…" she said getting strong feelings she shouldn't get in cahoots with Tucker. Every other sentence coming out of his mouth was an insult but he didn't even seem ashamed of that. She really didn't want anything to do with him.
"I'm not sure you have much of a choice detective," Tucker said piercing his eyes in her, "With the stunts you've been pulling lately… Your sergeant can't…"
"Benson?" Amanda breathed.
"Yeah Benson," Tucker said moving his feet so he was standing right in front of her, "Surely you must know she's not happy with your performance lately? It would really benefit you to work with us here."
It stung to hear Liv was disappointed in her but she wasn't surprised.
"Rollins?" Fin suddenly stepped out up on the ledge above them.
"Tucker?" he said surprised looking between the two.
"So I'll be in touch?" Tucker said quietly to Amanda. She gave him a quick nod.
"And you can't talk to anyone about this, I mean anyone," Tucker said glancing Fin's way.
"Got it?" he asked and she nodded again.
"Detectives," Tucker said putting a grin on his face as he stepped away just as Fin came down on the street.
"What did he want?" Fin asked with a frown.
"Nothing," Amanda mumbled dragging her hand through her hair.
"Tucker always wants something," Fin said doubtfully. He gave her a concerned look.
"It's nothing, he just wants me to know he's keeping an eye on me," Amanda sighed.
"Because of Cullen?" Fin asked raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah," Amanda nodded.
"I beat him up too, why didn't he approach me as well?" Fin questioned.
"I guess because you didn't go rouge and prostitute yourself," Amanda said piercing her eyes in him, "Are we done here?"
She'd made him a little stunned and all he could do was nod.
"Okay, let's get out of here then," she said and turned on her heal.
The next morning Liv was enjoying having the squad room mostly to herself. Only the stray uniforms walked around outside her office and she'd just plunged herself in to the top file when there was a sharp knock on her door. Looking up her relaxed mood changed quickly as she spotted lieutenant Tucker outside her door. He didn't wait for her to wave him inside but just stepped through the door and she immediately felt annoyed.
"Lovely morning right sergeant Benson?" he smirked as he'd caught her face turning downwards the moment she spotted him.
"Yeah yeah, what do you want Tucker?" she just moaned putting her file down. Tucker chuckled slightly but quiet down with a blink of an eye.
"I'm going to use one of your detectives for an UC assignment," he informed her.
"Oh?" she said leaning back in her chair with a raised eyebrow.
"I know your boyfriend rescued your detective from making more of a spectacle of herself the other night…"
Liv's eyes darkened.
"I'm giving her a chance to redeem herself, she'll be able to say that display was just a part of the assignment."
Tucker seemed pleased with himself and leaned his hands casually against one of Liv's visitor's chairs.
"Well that is sweet of you Tucker," Liv said without doing anything to hide the sarcasm in her tone, "but I don't think it's a good idea to use detective Rollins for whatever assignment you had in mind."
Tucker stared her down for a few before he straighten up, diverting his eyes elsewhere as he cleared his throat.
"Well sergeant it's not really your call. Your detective already agreed to do it and I've cleared it with 1PP," Tucker said and seemed to gloat. It bothered Liv that Amanda had seemed to agree to whatever Tucker had in mind but then she remembered what kind of person Tucker was and what methods he stooped to.
"I beg to differ, she's my detective and I'll unclear it with 1PP if I have to," Liv said glaring at him. She could tell on Tucker's face he wasn't pleased with her insubordination but frankly that only made her feel more powerful and when she challenged him with a single raised eyebrow he huffed and stormed out of her office like a reprimanded little schoolboy. Liv couldn't help but chuckle to herself once Tucker was out of sight. He had no pokerface at all. She couldn't really get focused back on her work though. She knew Tucker was stubborn and in the back of her mind she worried he'd manage to tie Amanda to this UC assignment after all.
Amanda hadn't been able to get the encounter with Tucker out of her mind since yesterday. Liv was disappointed in her. Every cop knew what a disgrace she was, flaunting herself in front of a whole bunch of them. She was a whore. Fin had caught her dwelling a few times last night but she'd been able to blame it on fatigue. He knew she hadn't slept much last night on count of nightmares. The first one had woken them both up. She had retreated to her bedroom when he'd fallen back to sleep but then another nightmare had haunted her once in her own bed so she'd been dressed, ready and planted in front of the TV when he finally woke up.
This past night hadn't been that much better. Tucker, Liv and Simon had all visited her sleep, all calm and collected but telling her what a disgrace she was. Wicked. Immoral. Sinful. Whore. She'd woken up sweaty and out of breath, and convinced there was no redemption for her. Fin had again noticed how drained she looked and asked if everything was okay. She blamed not being able to stop thinking about the gruesome current case they were working and he seemed to buy it.
And she really should be thinking about the current case. It was to say the least gruesome and they probably had a serial rapist and potential killer on their hands. The victim was slowly recuperating at the hospital. She was a scatterbrain though and she just waited for someone to pick up on it. Liv was already throwing her side glances and she didn't even want to think about what kind of glances Keith was throwing her, she figured she deserved them though after her attempt on him in the locker-room.
They were all gathered around the briefing table but both Nick and Fin had to stray to get some papers from their respectively desks. Keith took the opportunity to refill his coffee mug so that left Liv and Amanda alone for a few moments.
"Tucker talked to you about that UC assignment right?" Liv asked cautiously. She hadn't been able to get Tucker out of her mind since this morning.
"Aha," Amanda nodded quickly, not wanting to slack even more in front of her commander.
"And you're fine with it?" Liv asked.
She still felt as though she would've wanted Amanda to check with her first before she agreed to anything. Even though Amanda had bailed Sunday morning Liv couldn't help but feel they'd made some progress in their trust in each other.
"Yeah sure," Amanda hurried to say, "Whatever you want me to do…"
Liv observed her for what to Amanda felt like the longest moment. Liv spotted both Nick and Keith coming back over though and knew she was running out of time.
"I'm not sure it's such a good idea," Liv said frankly.
"Oh?" Amanda whispered, her heart feeling heavy because of the doubt she feared Liv had for her.
"With everything going on, I'm just not sure it's a good idea at this point," Liv tried to explain but felt a bit rushed. She's lost all faith in me.
Liv only had time to shoot Amanda a quick smile before Nick started speaking, presenting what little they had on the perpetrator. Amanda had an even harder time concentrating now. She couldn't do anything right.
When she got home she felt completely useless as she hadn't been productive at all at work. Fin could tell she was frustrated over something and suggested she went for a run knowing how that usually could wire her down some. As the thought of sitting inside dwelling wasn't that appealing either she thought she might as well and suited up for a jog. Fin offered to go with, either to the track or he could drop her off at some park and wait around. She much rather not have him catering to her though so she said she'd be fine on her own.
She was trying to find the playlist she usually used for running and wasn't really paying attention to the street once she got out.
"Hey, Amanda," a voice called for her attention before she could put her earplugs in.
She spotted the man climbing out of the passenger side of the car that was parked right outside her house.
"Anton?" she said a little startled as she looked around a little anxiously to see if anyone else was around.
"Hey it's been a while," he said as he came right up to her leaning in to give her arm a squeeze and her cheek a kiss.
Over Anton's shoulder she spotted Andy sitting by the wheel in the car.
"Yeah," she breathed feeling nervous by his proximity.
"You okay?" he asked as he caught her slight reservation. She nodded and tried to smile.
"Going for a run?" he asked looking down at her outfit and she felt very flustered as she nodded
"What are you doing here?" she asked trying to get her emotions in check.
"I was just in the neighborhood," he said casually flashing her another wide grin.
"You were in the neighborhood?" she questioned doubtfully raising an eyebrow. He chuckled and she couldn't help but find it charming.
"Okay you got me, I came looking for you, hoping to catch you and… just my luck," he said and as he squeezed her arm again she realized he'd never removed it. She wondered how long he'd been sitting there and if he'd planned to come up. She didn't put it past him to be that bold even though her probably knew she was living with her partner.
"Too bad I'm not dressed for it or I would've joined you for a run, I love jogging in New York, especially at night," he said flashing his teeth as he smiled. She found herself not able to do much more than nod.
"And I guess you might feel uncomfortable grabbing a piece to eat in that outfit…" he left the invitation open though. She looked over to the car, met Andy's eyes briefly as he looked over at them. She knew it wasn't a good idea but she couldn't stop a plan from forming in her head.
"If you don't mind, I don't mind," she said with a smile. He lit up even more and gestured over to the car keeping his hand behind her arm. The hand move to her back as she started moving towards the car and he followed right by her side. He opened the back door and then ran around the car to slip in to the seat next to her.
"Hi," Amanda whispered to Andy while they were alone and he shot her a nod over his shoulder. Amanda went for the seatbelt as Anton gave Andy a location. Anton helped Amanda with her seatbelt but then ignored to put his own on.
"Just so you know, I don't have any money on me," Amanda felt a need to mention it. Anton shot her a smile and then looked her a little up and down.
"I'm sure we can find a way for you to repay me," he said but almost immediately winked at her, "What do you take me for? I'm a gentleman, of course I will pay. And I was the one who invited you."
The pause had been just long enough for a chill to go through her body and she didn't miss the second take he gave her body or the hand that landed on her thigh as they took off. She figured she would have to play nice for her plan to work though and it wasn't like she'd let men do worse to her in the past so she could take a touch and some insinuations.
They stopped by a small bistro a few minutes away. Anton held the door open for her and then led her to a booth further in. The way he was greeted by the waiter made her believe Anton was a frequent guest here or at least had some business with the owner. She'd seen Andy walk in after them but he had a seat by the bar while Anton slid in across from her. It felt good to at least have a table between them but the relief was short-lived as she felt his legs stretching out right by hers.
The waiter was soon there serving them two glasses of red wine, another hint this wasn't the first time Anton was in there. Amanda took the menu from the waiter and shot him an awkward smile as she suddenly felt subconscious about the way she looked. Her hair was in a ponytail and she thought about just taking it down but it wouldn't do much to help her out so she tried to just put it out of her mind.
Anton did some small talking, throwing out some recommendations on the menu in between talking about his club. She was grateful he kept up the talking so she didn't have to but it felt weird listening to him talking about his business like he didn't care she was a cop. Not that he shared anything really illegal but it was clearly not a conversation he should be having with her. She thought it bothered her but then she found herself giggling slightly at some things he said. She remembered the killingly funny situation that happened behind the scenes at a strip club, and not always behind the curtain.
When their food was brought in she was actually feeling relaxed. Her glass had been refilled, as had his. She found herself enjoying her food but she knew she had something she had to ask him.
"Can I…" she started as she got an opportunity but she got nervous the moment he looked up at her.
"What?" he smiled in that charming way of his.
"I'm worried about a friend of mine," she said before she lost her courage.
"Oh," he said taking another bite of his food.
"She's… a stripper," she said and he looked a little more interested.
"She used to work for your father…"
She watched for his reaction but he just kept taking another bite and then washed it down with some wine before he put his fork down. Then he used his napkin around his mouth before he finally looked at her. She couldn't read his face as he put his elbows on the table and fixed his eyes on her.
"Tell me about your friend," he said calmly though. Amanda reached for her glass first and took a sip of wine.
"Her name is Sierra and I can't get in touch with her," she started.
"Okay…" he said when she didn't continue.
"I think she might have gotten herself in to some trouble," she let him know.
"Do you know Lamar and a club named Onyx?" Amanda asked and gave him what little more she had on Lamar and his club.
"I've heard of him yeah," Anton said looking serious, "Actually ran in to him not long ago…"
"Do you know where his club is at now?" she asked hoping he wasn't just pulling her leg.
She didn't hold it as impossible that he was just stringing her along though.
"I can probably find out," Anton offered, "But I have to ask… what's your aim here? I can't help you if you're planning on shutting his place down."
"I just want to find my friend, offer her a way out if she wants one," Amanda said as sincerely as she could.
"So if you find her and she doesn't want… a way out, will you be able to just let it go then?" Anton gave her a suspicious eye.
"I have to," Amanda said.
She'd put her fork down earlier and just focused on her glass of wine. When she looked back up he was still studying her. She made a face at him and his face broke out into a big grin.
"There's something about you Amanda…" he said picking up his glass, "you have me a little addicted and I got to tell you that rarely happens…"
Amanda wasn't sure how to take that compliment or if it even was one. She didn't blush, she just felt awkward.
"So I can't believe I'm contemplating helping out a cop," Anton snickered as he had some more wine, "I didn't think I would stake out her house either just for a chance to run in to her…"
Amanda smiled but didn't find it flattering at all if he had in fact staked out her house. How did he know where she lived in the first place? And what else did he know about her.
"So how come you're friends with a stripper?" he asked pulling her out of her thoughts.
"No judgement," he added quickly, "I'm friends with plenty of them."
Amanda smiled but mostly to save herself some time as she tried to come up with what to say.
"I just met her a few years back and we really got along, I've been… a little absent and we lost touch. I'd like to just be in touch again."
"She means a lot to you?" he guessed.
"For a moment in time she did mean everything to me, and if she's gotten herself in some trouble it would be a way for me to pay her back."
"But what if she's in a place she wants to be?"
"Then I'll just have to accept that."
"Something tells me you don't usually give up so easily," he said and it scared her a little that he could tell that about her.
"If she tells me that's where she wants to be then I will accept that."
"Okay," he said and picked up his glass only to find it empty. He waved the waiter over but Amanda shook her head when the waiter looked at her to see if she wanted a refill as well.
"Are you sure?" Anton asked but again Amanda shook her head.
"Thanks Victor," Anton said once his glass was filled again.
Anton watched her as he took a sip.
"So I'll see what I can find out about Lamar's current business," he said once he put his glass down, "how do you prefer I get in contact with you? Maybe calling you would look suspicious on some police log or something?"
"No you can call," she said.
As far as she knew her phone wasn't traced and she would prefer him calling from just showing up in front of her house like he had tonight.
"Perfect. And if I help you out maybe you'll let me take you out again?"
She gave him a shifty face just so she didn't have to promise anything.
"I promise to give you a better heads up next time, give you a chance to dress up a little if you feel like it. Not that you don't look fine in anything," he said with a wink.
"Thank you," she said trying to play flattered, "speaking of my attire though, maybe I should at least run the few blocks back to my place…"
"You sure? Doesn't another glass of wine sound better than exercise?" he smiled.
"It does sound good but I think two is my limit for a week night anyways…"
"Well I'll just make sure next time lands on a weekend then," he winked.
"Thank you so much Anton, for the meal and for… helping me out," she said before she made an attempt to get out of the booth.
"Well I'll do my best that I promise," Anton said, "Are you sure I can't have Andy drive us back?"
"No, you've already done enough. Night…"
"Good night Amanda, it was a pleasure," Anton said as she slid out of her seat.
She did feel a little woozy from the two glasses of wine but there was only a few blocks home and the wind on her face did her good. When she got home Fin was on the couch. He gave her a look and told her she'd been gone for quite some time but she brushed him off by saying she'd walked most of the way and then she hurried down to the bathroom for a shower. Immediately after the shower she snuck down between his sheets. She didn't want to face him, risk him smelling the wine on her breath but she was also very tired. She tried to shut out the many thoughts going around her head. How would she have to repay Anton if he did find Lamar and Sierra? What would she actually do if she found Sierra? Would she have to tell her she was a cop? And if so would she be pissed and maybe use what she knew about her? Sierra had plenty of juicy details to share if she felt like it.
Fin made her head stop spinning when he walked in. He could tell she was awake but didn't question why she'd sneaked off to bed without saying goodnight. He did however ask her to scoot closer to him and she fell asleep with the beating of his heart right underneath her ear.
Liv was happy Tucker stayed away but she wouldn't feel completely safe from his toxicity until another few Tucker-free day passed. She wished she could get a chance to talk a little more with Amanda about it all but they had their hands full with this new case as well as two other that came in overnight.
Amanda had already forgotten about Tucker. Sierra, Lamar and Anton were all still in her head though and she had to really focus to be of any use at the station. Fin had caught on to her distraction, she could tell by the way he made sure to have her back when anyone else was around. She wished she didn't have to be such a constant burden to him.
The entire day was a struggle for her. They worked really late but at least solved one of the cases and got closer to solving the remaining two. Both Fin and Amanda were too tired to cook anything and bought take out that they brought home with them. Fin obviously saw that Amanda was mostly picking in her food.
"You want to tell me what's on your mind?" he finally asked.
She looked up, seeming a little shocked by his question but her shoulders dropped with a heavy sigh.
"I'm…" she started but quiet down as she realized she didn't want to lie. She looked at him for a while and it made him put his fork down. He got that something rather big was up.
"You know I've kept a bit of contact with Sierra right?" she said and when he had decided to not lie either he nodded.
"Well it seems she might've gotten herself in to some trouble."
"What kind of trouble?" he asked immediately.
"She's…" Amanda wasn't sure what to say and shrugged, "I don't know but she's left Assets and apparently works for this… not so nice man."
"Are we talking worse than Gordon?"
"Sounds like it," she said quietly as she continued tracing the circle she'd drawn in her food.
"So what are you planning on doing?" he asked knowing she probably weren't going to just leave it be that way.
She looked up at him contemplating just how upfront she could be. She knew how much he hated Gordon, and his offspring as he'd spitefully called him at the station a few weeks back. She didn't want him to think badly of her either so telling him that she'd seen Anton not once but twice in private was out of the question.
"I'm not sure I can do anything, she's cut all contact with the girls at the club. She's hooked bad from what I understand…" She gave him a look and she could tell he got what she meant.
"Is there something we can do in the line of duty?" he asked wanting to help her out as he knew that she was fond of Sierra. She gave him a long look. He didn't like to see her that sad.
"Seems this guy's club might be shut down and that she's just with him now. Maybe she wants to be with him so I dunno if there's anything really we can do," Amanda said and sighed as she put her fork down so she could place her head in her hands instead.
Fin just watched her for a while. He figured this was what had been bothering her since he got back.
"Look Manda," he finally said, "I know you care for her and if there's anything we can do within the law then I'd be more than happy to help you but if there's not…" he waited for her to look at him, "then you have to let it go. You can't go there for reasons I'm sure you are aware off."
"I know," she mumbled as she looked back down. Selfishly she kind of wished she hadn't started looking for Sierra. She had already caused herself enough trouble these past weeks and being in debt to Anton wouldn't help the situation any. She knew how stupid she was acting but she still couldn't stop herself.
At lunch the following day her phone rang. The number in the window showed unknown caller but that wasn't out of the ordinary.
"Rollins," she answered in her usual manner.
"Amanda, it's Anton," he said and she immediately removed herself slightly from where she'd been standing next to Fin.
"Can you talk?" he asked almost like he had sensed her slight apprehension.
"Yeah, for a bit yeah," she said quietly so the others wouldn't hear her.
"Okay well I know where Lamar will be tonight. I've arranged an invite for you, and me," he said.
Amanda's head started to spin but she managed to throw an anxious look over at her squad. They'd just made an arrest in one of their cases and was waiting for a crime scene unit to get there to go through the suspects place as they'd found some trophies while going through it themselves.
"Amanda?" he asked once she didn't get back to him.
"Yeah, okay," she said.
"So you can come?"
"Yeah," she said a bit unconvincing.
"Can I pick you up at nine?"
Amanda thought it over quickly.
"How about we meet somewhere instead?" she asked fearing Fin would step outside with her. And leaving at nine on a weekday when they had shift the next morning? She wasn't sure how to explain that either.
"Okay, outside the bistro we ate at the other night?"
"Sure."
"You want to meet earlier, catch something to eat before?" he suggested.
She thought it over but decided against it.
"I can't, not sure how long I have to work tonight so I better not make plans for earlier than nine," she lied.
"Wow you cops work longer hours than I do," Anton said on the other line and Amanda could sense his grin.
"At times yeah," she just said so she could end the call. Fin was throwing her glances over his shoulder.
"So at nine then," Anton said, "and wear something revealing, Lamar likes skin. And legs."
Amanda felt a little offended but of course didn't say it. The fact was Anton didn't know Lamar's preferences, that had been his own likings he had forwarded.
"Who was that?" Fin asked once she'd hung up and joined them again. Liv and Nick took off up the stairs again.
"I forgot to tell you, my childhood friend from back home is in town this week, she called while you were away. I forgot we'd made plans for tonight."
"Well that sounds nice," Fin said feeling a little calmer, "Is it that… Clara?"
"Claire, yeah. Something with work but she has tonight off so we arranged to have something to eat and drink. Hope you don't mind?"
"Why would I mind? That sounds like fun Amanda," Fin said.
Amanda tried to not look ashamed even though that's what she felt for lying to him.
"Fin, Rollins," Liv called from the top of the stairs and Amanda felt relieved to get back to work so she didn't have to think about tonight.
A few hours later she was heading home with Fin. Or so she thought. Her mind was occupied with what would happen tonight as she didn't pay attention to where he was driving. She was a little disoriented when he parked and it wasn't outside their house.
"You hadn't forgotten had you?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Doctor Olivet, your appointment," he said when she still looked confused.
"Oh," she mumbled looking up at the building that now was familiar to her.
The thought of seeing Olivet now though only added to her already sky-high anxiety.
"Maybe I should just skip it though, I'll be late to dinner with Claire and…" Amanda tried but Fin had already started shaking his head.
Amanda swallowed most of the grunt as she reached for the door.
"I'll pick you up in 60," he called after her.
Great, like a big baby, Amanda thought to herself as she straighten her jacket and gave the old man that walked by her a glare. He'd glared at her so he'd deserved it. She thought about ditching Olivet but with Fin waiting around it would be hard to pull everything off. And she couldn't mess things up now, not when a… date with Anton awaited.
She really didn't want to be there though and she found herself incapable of sitting down on the couch in doctor Olivet's waiting room. Instead she started pacing the small space. Those times she'd been here with a few minutes to spare she'd always listen for the door closing on the other side. She fantasized about Olivet's other patients as she waited for the doctor to open the door for her. For Olivet's sake she hoped they were a little more straightforward cases. Patients who could own up to their mistakes and could accept the help the good doctor was giving them. Patients unlike herself.
One time she pictured a business man who couldn't stop wearing woman's lingerie underneath his suit. Perhaps not really a problem but maybe his wife thought so merely because it was her lingerie he was using. She'd smiled at the argument she pictured between husband and wife. All those soft gifts he'd bought her for Valentine's Day was merely a gift for himself.
Other times she pictured a clown with a depression, a veterinary who'd become allergic to fur or a chef who was at risk of losing his hands to a mysterious decease he'd contracted eating e coli infested meat. The irony of her imaginary patients made her able to smile even though it contradicted her own status. A SVU detective who had made herself a voluntary victim of sexual abuse.
But today Amanda didn't think about those made-up patients. And she didn't catch the door closing on the previous patient which made Olivet able to bust her pacing the waiting room. Amanda was startled by the doctor but the annoyed feeling lingered and made her frown at Olivet.
"Amanda," Olivet greeted her a little startled herself. Amanda could be hostile but she rarely walked in with that attitude, it was commonly something Olivet pushed. She couldn't remember a time Amanda had greeted her with a frown. The shy glance yes, or the inability to even glance her way but just mumble a 'hi'. This was new and Amanda more or less stomped by her.
"Is something the matter?" Olivet had to ask as she closed the door behind them.
"I don't want to be here," Amanda grunted.
"Okay," Olivet said a little hesitant as she observed Amanda who had remained standing by the couch.
"Let's just have a seat first," Olivet said to get a chance to gather herself as she went over to fetch the notebook she used for Amanda's sessions. There had been plenty of times when it had been obvious Amanda didn't want to be in Olivet's office but she'd never expressed it this sincerely. Olivet would wait to call it progress though, she wanted to see where this would lead first.
Walking back to the seating area Olivet could tell Amanda had trouble sitting still. She was stirring slightly, like she couldn't find a comfortable position to sit in. And she was fiddling with her hands.
"So you said you didn't want to be here," Olivet started once she was seated, "is there a specific reason to why you don't want to be here today?"
"I just don't want to be here, there doesn't have to be a reason to everything every damn time," Amanda said still with an unfriendly tone.
"No it doesn't but to my experience you can usually find at least bits that can explain the aversion," Olivet said with a calm voice.
Amanda hated it. She hated her voice like that, it reminded of Olivia's when she talked to victims. And she hated Olivet always having some explanation or logic to everything. Nothing about her life was logical. There were no explanation that would make her feel any better for sleeping with strangers or disappointing everyone around her constantly.
"It's not an aversion, I'm just pissed," Amanda grunted.
"Okay, why are you pissed," Olivet asked.
"Cause I have to sit here and explain why I'm pissed," Amanda fired right back.
Olivet scribbled something on her notepad that made Amanda feel even more furious. Great now Olivet would have it in her notes what an obstinate and troublesome patient she was, although it was probably not the first time she wrote that down.
"What would you rather be doing then?" Olivet tried.
Dig for coal, unclog a toilet, basically anything rather than being here, Amanda thought to herself but she still have some decency left in her and knew Olivet didn't deserve all that crap.
"I just… I rather be getting ready for tonight," Amanda said.
She said it quietly hoping to downplay the fact tonight's meeting was what troubled her mostly. Of course Olivet wouldn't leave it alone though.
"What's going to happen tonight?"
"I'm just… hoping to meet up with an old friend," Amanda mumbled slightly.
She felt a need to mention it but hoped Olivet wouldn't get too much in to it as it would risk her putting two and two together.
"Old friend as in someone who you've known for a long time?"
Amanda just shrugged. It felt as though she'd known Sierra for a long time even though they'd actually only been close friends for a month or two. In her head though she had some trouble separating Sierra from her old schoolmate from back home, Claire. It was as though Sierra reminded her of Claire. Well minus the false eyelashes and revealing costumes. The thought of Claire in something like that made Amanda smile. And the language of course. Amanda couldn't remember ever hearing Claire curse once, and she flinched at times when Amanda did.
"You like this friend I take it," Olivet said interrupting her thoughts.
"Well do'h she wouldn't be my friend if I didn't," Amanda said but without the hostile tone.
"Tell me about her," Olivet asked.
"No, I don't' want to do that," Amanda answered quickly.
"Why not?" Olivet questioned.
"Cause… I just don't want to," Amanda knew she was acting childish but she had sort of already ruined the acting as an adult today. As usual though Olivet didn't seem to mind that Amanda didn't want to answer one of her questions but she wouldn't budge just yet.
"You feel like you can be yourself with this person?" Olivet asked.
"Who else would I be?" Amanda said with a smirk but again she knew how childish it was especially as they had often discussed how Amanda felt as though she had to put on a happy face.
"But you like to be around this person?"
"Yeah," Amanda said frowning slightly as she didn't get where Olivet was going with that question.
"You don't see her that often?"
"…no," Amanda said hesitant.
"Why not?"
"It's complicated."
"Would you like to see her more often?"
Amanda let out a disgruntled noise as she stood up. Olivet had time to fear Amanda was running out the door but no, she ended up by the window again. Olivet studied her for a while. She'd crossed her arms around herself. She shifted slightly from foot to foot.
"Are you nervous about meeting your friend Amanda?" Olivet asked.
"No," Amanda answered sounding slightly offended.
"Then why is this meeting making you so tense?"
Amanda frowned but she bit her tongue to not play in to whatever Olivet was setting up. Meeting Sierra didn't make her tense. Meeting Lamar did. And meeting Anton did. And everything that could go wrong all while she'd lied to Fin. That's what was making her tense. Amanda sighed. Once again Olivet had pegged her and made her come to her senses. Amanda didn't like that Olivet could figure her out but she did feel less tense now. She glanced over her shoulder and caught Olivet's eyes.
"I'm sorry," Amanda said as she turned her eyes back outside to the New York skyline, "I shouldn't take it out on you…"
"Thank you Amanda," Olivet said, "but you were honest about not wanting to be here right?"
"I had just forgotten I had an appointment… I guess I just didn't feel prepared," Amanda admitted.
Olivet scribbled it down on her notepad. For someone who was used to jumping with every new twist and turn in a case Amanda was rather rigid in her personal life so Olivet didn't find it odd she'd reacted like that.
"And I am a little nervous I guess, to meet my friend I mean. I hope she shows," Amanda continued with the honest path.
"There's a reason she shouldn't?"
"Maybe, I don't want to get in to it though," Amanda said watching a bird flying through the air in the distance.
"Fair enough, does she know what you've been through? Two years ago I mean," Olivet asked.
There was a silent pause and Olivet had time to think about her next question as she figured Amanda wouldn't answer, but she'd be wrong.
"She knows I was abducted… she knows some… dirty secrets about me…"
"Dirty secrets?" Olivet questioned.
She found it a bit strange Amanda admitted it so openly, she usually kept secrets to herself and there was something so upbeat about the tone she used.
Amanda let out a chuckle that startled Olivet to the point she even flinched.
"And I know most of hers. To call them secrets would be wrong though, she'd tell them to anyone who wanted to listen, and even the ones who didn't want to listen. She wasn't ashamed. Not for any of it."
Amanda's amusement toned down a little as she continued.
"It's so refreshing. To be able to be outspoken. She listens without judgement. She never judges me. She never judges anyone, hell she's proud of the things I do. I can't wait to tell her about the grey man, she'll freak. She'll ask for details," she chuckled again.
"Who's the grey man Amanda?" Olivet asked but Amanda didn't seem to hear her.
"Sierra warned me about guys like that. Most girls find it hard to deal with that but not Sierra. Better not think about it too much but just go with it. That's what she always says. Don't think, just do. She makes it less stressful. She even makes it fun sometimes," there was a slight pause before she continued, "She's so darn talented. Like she does hair, make-up, nails. She has great fashion sense, you might not think so if you saw her on stage but Trina makes some of those decisions, you can't blame Sierra for that…"
"Amanda," Olivet tried again getting further out on her chair.
"She could do whatever she puts her mind to but she seems happy where she is. And why shouldn't she be? It's nothing wrong with what she does. Or with what I do. I shouldn't be ashamed. Like who has the right to judge me? No, fuck that. If I…"
Olivet listen to her ramble on. Olivet thought about getting up out of her chair but she wasn't sure what reaction she'd get and that was unfamiliar to her. She usually was good at predicting a situation, it was what made her a good psychiatrist. She didn't recognize Amanda right now. Her tone was different, her southern drawl more prominent and it was something with her stance. This wasn't the Amanda she knew.
"Amanda?" she tried one more time but when she didn't get a reaction, "Shay?"
It made her patient stop mid-sentence, Olivet even thought she spotted a slight flinch. Amanda's eyes glanced her way over her shoulder but never got all the way.
"Amanda, can you come back and sit down for me please," Olivet asked.
Amanda took her time but finally sat down on the couch again. She kept her eyes down.
"What just happened Amanda?" Olivet asked.
"What?" the word got partly swallowed as Amanda's throat was dried up. She had to swallow one more time.
"Y-you wanted to know about my friend so I told you about her," Amanda said as she'd gotten a few seconds to gather her thoughts. Olivet studied her but looked down as she could tell she made Amanda feel uncomfortable. More uncomfortable than she was already feeling that was, Olivet had already seen many signs of that.
"So Sierra…" she said instead, "She's on a stage?"
Amanda nodded, still keeping her eyes down.
"And what does she do on stage?"
"She's a performer," Amanda said silently.
"I take it she's a stripper?" Olivet caught Amanda's frown.
"Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that," Amanda said.
"I didn't say that," Olivet answered calmly, "So you meet her when you went undercover?"
Amanda seemed unwilling to answer. Olivet tried another few approaches to find out just when or how she'd met this Sierra person. She finally got a slight nod as she asked if they'd meet around the time of her abduction.
"So you kept in contact with her?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded.
"Does she know you're a detective?"
"I don't think so," Amanda answered quietly.
"So she still thinks of you as Shay?"
Amanda shrugged.
"I guess," she mumbled.
"Do you think of yourself as Shay?"
For the first time Amanda's eyes came all the way up to meet Olivet's and there was annoyance in them.
"No," Amanda said sounding slightly irritated as Olivet still seemed to want a verbal answer.
"Who is Shay Amanda?"
Amanda shook her head.
"What kind of question is that?"
"Can you answer it?" Olivet asked without any judgement.
"She's a UC persona I use at times as it's convenient," Amanda answered with a frown, "You know this already."
"Why convenient?" Olivet asked.
Amanda made a face but then tried to think about it.
"I got the social security number, it's a legit person to anyone who would go through the trouble of looking her up," Amanda said with a shrug.
"Okay. Perhaps convenient also cause you know her?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've played her quite a few times right. You've told me about the stings you used to pull down in Atlanta. You've portrayed Shay quite a few times. But how did you come up with her?"
Amanda had a constant frown on her face now. She glanced back at the clock on the wall, she wanted this session to be over with.
"She came over time, it was just a name and then I had to evolve her to make her more believable."
"Is she based on someone you know?" Olivet asked but Amanda shook her head.
"Not even parts or aspects of her?"
Amanda shrugged.
"You feel comfortable being her though?" Olivet guessed.
"No, she's a UC character, it's just a game, a play."
"But just now it came across as you feel more carefree in the mind frame of Shay and maybe partly because of your friendship with Sierra?" Olivet suggested.
"I haven't known Sierra for long," Amanda grunted.
"But you've known Shay for quite some time," Olivet said as she tried to figure out where she wanted to go with this.
Usually she had a clear path in her mind but Amanda's previous behavior made her a little concerned. Amanda had said things in the past that made her curious about this Shay character she'd created.
"Sometimes it can feel liberating to, if even for a few moments, pretend to be someone else. Maybe Shay gives you an opportunity to… I don't know relax? Not think about the things you've been true?"
"I work when I'm Shay, it's nothing relaxing about that," Amanda said quietly.
Olivet studied her though, she wasn't sure it was the truth.
"But you're able to act out when you're Shay right? She's supposed to be more outgoing than perhaps your regular persona is?"
"I'm not schizo," Amanda blurted out looking straight at the doctor, "my sister acted schizo, I know what that is, that's not me."
"I'm not saying that Amanda," Olivet explained calmly, "I'm suggesting you're in need of… channeling out some of that pain inside of you."
Amanda gave her an annoyed look. Psychobabble again.
"We've done some great progress during our sessions Amanda but I feel as though there are parts of your past I haven't… I guess perhaps pushed hard enough. The trauma you went through two years ago was without a doubt one of the grizzliest events I've ever heard of. And that you were able to get on with your life after that is astonishing and something really commendable. I know you don't like to hear it but you are a survivor, and one hell of a woman."
Amanda couldn't look at the doctor. She even cursed? Amanda couldn't remember a time she'd ever heard the doctor use such a strong word. She swallowed hard and tried to keep her emotions in check.
"But maybe because of this trauma I've gone a little easy on you at times. I know you wouldn't agree on that," Olivet said with slight amusement in her tone, "and I'm not by any means saying that you had it easier, we both know you haven't, but I haven't pushed on other issues even when tempted too. And now with the added trauma that happened recently I realize the timing might not be the best but I feel it necessary that we start addressing them because I got to say that what happened just now concerns me. I'm not saying that it was what happened but I can't have you slipping in to an alternate state because the reality is too hard for you to handle."
Olivet took a break, both cause she needed to breathe but also to give Amanda a chance to digest her words.
"If you're using Shay and rekindle your friendship with Sierra to escape reality, I can promise you it will only lead you down an even trickier path."
"That's not what's happening," Amanda mumbled.
"What's that Amanda?" Olivet said as she had trouble hearing her. Amanda repeated what she'd said.
"Okay, can you tell me what's happening?"
"I think Sierra needs help. I have to help her if she needs it," Amanda tried to explain even though she couldn't really grasp it herself.
All she really had was that Lamar had a bad reputation and that Sierra had cut the ties with people she previously called her only family. But maybe getting away from Assets was a good thing? And really how much worse than Gordon could Lamar really be?
"Amanda?" Olivet called for her attention and waited until she had it before she continued; "It's hard to help someone if you yourself need help."
When Amanda stepped out on the busy street outside doctor Olivet's practice the doctor's words were still swirling through her head. The doctor had spent the remaining part of their session trying to get Amanda to tell her why she thought Sierra was in trouble and how she'd planned to help her. Amanda had answered cryptically as any straight answers would mean having to get in to the iffy details as being in cahoots with Gordon's son and then the fact may come up that she felt oddly drawn to him.
When the doctor hadn't gotten the answers she wanted out of Amanda she'd moved on to asking about the grey man again. Amanda, realizing she had to give the doctor something, told her it was someone she'd slept with the other week. She had of course not mentioned his wife was present and a part of the love making or whatever that had been. Olivet didn't dig further though, she got stuck on the danger and the destructiveness of Amanda picking up strangers at bars.
Just as the time was running out she had asked if that was something Shay would do rather than Amanda but Amanda had avoided the question by mentioning the time. The doctor actually seemed rattled she'd missed keeping track of time and picked up the speed of her tongue as there was a few things she had to make sure Amanda took with her. One thing was to not feel discouraged if Sierra denied the help she offered her. Maybe it just wasn't the right time? Amanda didn't really pay attention to the other things the doctor belched out as Amanda got up off the couch and pulled herself closer to the other door.
The fresh air outside did her good but there were too many people around. She felt rushed but got relieved once she heard a familiar honk. Fin was parked further down, right by a fire hydrant. She could feel him watching her as she got in but she turned to strap herself in so she didn't have to look at him. He sensed she was tense from her session and he restrained from asking how it had gone.
"I used my badge, twice, I mean it is sorta police business," he said instead as he drove off the curb.
He tried to engage her in conversation a few times but she was clearly not in to it so he let her be. He hoped this wouldn't ruin her night out with her old friend Claire. She rarely went out on her own these days, it would really be a pity if it got spoiled.
Once they got home she quickly made her way in to the bathroom and he soon heard the shower get turned on. He wanted to make her feel better about her night out but he had no idea how to do that.
"You want me to drive you to wherever you're meeting her?" he shouted down the hall once he heard her leave the bathroom.
"No I'm fine thanks," she shouted back and he heard her bedroom door close.
He had a hard time focusing on whatever it was he was trying to watch on TV. The leftovers he'd heated on a plate were long gone and even though there were more in the fridge he really didn't feel hungry. He could hear she was wearing heels as she finally came down the hallway.
"Wow," was his honest response as he caught sight of her.
"Wow bad or wow good?" she had to ask already feeling self-conscious about what she was wearing.
"Wow more than good, you're going to pick up with those legs," he said.
He hoped he wasn't to frank but maybe he felt a bit nervous with her showing that much leg. Men would show her attention and it didn't sit well with him.
"It's too short isn't it?" she said pulling at her short skirt.
Anton had asked for legs and skin, and as she preferred eyes were drawn downwards she'd gotten with the shortest of the few skirts she had in her wardrobe but it came with the unwelcomed bonus that she felt insecure. She'd put on a long-sleeved top that she planned to toss once she was out the door. Underneath she wore a blouse that covered her back and had long sleeves that went down over her hands but the plunging neckline, so deep she had to wear a bra that was suitable for display, compensated and made her look less dressed.
"You have great legs Manda, you should show them off," Fin said and tried to leave the jealousy where it belonged, down in his gut and not served at her.
Amanda tried to straighten herself up. Fin had a hard time letting his eyes stray from her toned legs that looked so gorgeous in those heels but they had competition from some adorable curls that framed her face. She'd really made an effort he had time to think. She looked tense though. He didn't think a date with her old friend would make her this nervous. This Claire must mean a lot to her.
"So you think it'll be late?" he asked smiling at her. She shrugged.
"I dunno," she mumbled.
"Well you can call however late it gets, I'll come pick you up," he offered.
"No, you better get to bed. Best not both of us are tired in the morning," she said with a shy smile.
"You can still call if you feel like it, I don't mind. I'll probably fall asleep on the couch like usual, it will just be a detour to bed," he said and winked at her.
"Okay I better head out," she said.
It was still close to two hours until she was going to meet Anton but she'd told Fin she was meeting Claire for dinner. She wasn't sure where she'd go but she figured she would find a café or something, get some tea to calm her nerves a little.
"Have fun Manda," Fin said to her back as she turned for the door. His eyes went down her legs.
"Put your eyes back in your sockets," she said back and it made him chuckle.
"Make me," he challenged still chuckling.
The chuckle got even more heartfelt as he caught the sight of her middle finger getting up behind her back. He was still chuckling as he heard the door close behind her. Had he known about the 5 am call he would get from an ER across town he wouldn't have chuckled. Had he known about her lies and the trouble she was heading towards he wouldn't have let her leave. Had she known what trouble she was getting herself in to she probably wouldn't have left either.