Warnings! Yeah! mild Tsukasa Yaoi! Weird narcissistic doppelganger intimacy! Maybe I should move this fic to "R" rated section? Naah, there hasn't even been any sex yet … My apologies to those who were disturbed by the last chapter. You probably want to skip this one too. The next one will be ok tho, I think.
I only see myself reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me, so who the hell am I?
Tsukasa tossed and turned in bed. After fleeing the club and the mocking laughter lurking behind Amon's blank eyes, he'd come straight home to the chill emptiness of the prison he called home. He hoped that the familiar surroundings would help clear his mind, and remind him of who -- and what he was. He did calm down slightly; the cold shower he took helped a great deal in that respect, but still his mind was frazzled, and he felt that he was uravelling at the edges. He tried sleeping, in hopes that his confusion was due to exhaustion, and that rest would help him to understand what had been happening to him. but sleep was far off, and his mind kept replaying that single moment in time.
The dim lights of the club casting shadows across Amon's face, as the older man leaned forward so unexpectedly . . . the first sensuous brush of lips on his. The knowing way Amon's tongue had traced his lip, mocking Tsukasa's unresponsivity. He'd felt like a prisoner in his own body, unable to move away; to free himself from the heated violation of his senses.
And the worst of it was, not that he hadn't done anything about it afterwards, but that he'd sat there frozen and docile, as Amon had done these things! Tsukasa didn't understand how he could have just let the other man proceed. He didn't like Kunisawa! Never Had! Not since he'd first learned of Tsukushi's involvement with him! The man was a slut for hire, a poser, a fraud, and a menace! Hadn't he tried to trick Makino? Hadn't he tried to take her to bed?
Lost in this agony of questioning, Doumyouji suddenly realized one Important thing-- Tsukushi must have felt something like this confusion when he had first kissed her, and claimed her as his girl. She had not understood him then, and she'd hated him. His actions had seemed impenetrable and capricious, but only because she hadn't seen the fire and need that lay beneath. And now, Kunisawa was too much like Tsukasa, yet not enough like, for the younger boy to grasp the situation fully.
What motivations did Amon have, that Tsukasa was missing?
Tsukasa had no idea.
He didn't like not knowing. He liked to be in control. But it had been a long, long time, since he had been in control of anything or anyone.
So now, he tossed and turned restlesly, and failed to find sleep.
It made him very grumpy, and eventually he gave up. If he couldn't sleep, he should at least deal with some of the paperwork he'd been punting all day. . . with a resigned sigh, Doumyouji climbed out of bed, and looked at the clock on the wall. Midnight. Well, he would work until three and try to sleep, then.
-----
Snug in her own bed, Tsukushi lay awake for quite different reasons. She and Shigeru had had a long talk about boys, and after a while, Sakurako had come by, seeking companionship. Tsukushi had finally overcome her own inhibitions, enough to ask the younger girl -- the only one of the three who actually had had sex before, what, hypothetically speaking, she should do about birth control? Sakurako had burst out laughing at Tsukushi's stammered question. "You mean you've been boinking Soujiro without it?"
"No no!" Tsukushi had blushed furiously, "Why does everyone think that!" while Shigeru whispered in the redhead's ear,
"She claims they haven't been."
Sakurako's perfect lips formed a silent "O" of disbelief. "Well. . . " she said at last, on recovery from her astonishment, "Here's what you need to do. . . "
Now, Tsukushi lay curled on her futon, her brother snoring softly a few feet away. She hadn't been sure before, but she'd come to the realization, that it probably didn't matter if She and Soujiro didn't last forever. What mattered was that she loved him, or thought she loved him now, and he loved her. She needed to live life to the best she could, and this meant she didn't want to have regrets for things she should have done, but passed up. Especially if her reasons for not taking action were lame. She had thought about it all day; all day as she waited in vain for Tsukasa to make his appearance at the park. "Maybe he didn't get the package? Maybe he misunderstood?" But no, she coild feel, deep down, that he'd known what she wanted, that it had been his choice, and his choice alone, not to meet her and Shigeru. There would be no reconciliation with him.
This saddened her deeply, but at the same time, it made her cherish her time with Soujiro more. She knew she'd been sadly neglecting the sensitive boy recently, and that was something she regretted deeply. But she hoped to make amends with the little surprise she had planned.
Sakurako had given Tsukushi the number of her gynecologist, and Tsukushi, counting up her meager savings, planned to make an appointment this week. Invisible in the dark, Tsukushi blushed. Sakurako had been quite explicit about what the visit would involve. . . "But," she'd giggled, her eyes sparkling brightly with salacious memories, "It's totally worth it to get on the pill. I don't know what I'd do if it hadn't been invented!"
Tsukushi had butterflies in her stomach just thinking about it. It was exciting, it was scary! She wanted things to be perfect. She figured, if she took a week to plan, to calm down, she could go through with this.
She just prayed it would be everything Sakurako promised, and that Soujiro wouldn't be too disappointed. She also violently squashed the paranoid voice that kept trying to pop up and warn her that Soujiro would dump her once he'd had his way with her-- just as he'd dropped every woman before her. But she refused to listen to that irritating buzzing. She knew better! Anyone who said such things about Soujiro didn't know him like she did.
Their small moments of contentment might not last forever, but she prayed they would get her through this difficult time. And she prayed, more than anything else, that she could be happy, if only for a brief while.
At last, she fell into a deep and restful slumber, dreaming of her boyfriend's warm arms and bright smile envolping her in their comforting warmth.
-------
Doumyouji worked furiously at his desk, flying through the mountain of paperwork at breakneck speed. So many stupid requests, so many idiots who thought they deserved first priority for the company's scarce resources. Proposals to be reviewed, status reports to be checked. Such mind numbing tasks couldn't distract Doumyouji for long, and when he snapped out of his official work mode, he found he'd made a significant dent in the piles of paperwork. Though, it was also true that he couldn't consciously remember at this moment, just what it was he had done. He shrugged, in resignation. That didn't matter much. The important details would spring to mind when he needed them. They always did. People thought he was an idiot, and maybe he was about many things. .. . But at the same time, he always knew what was truly important in any situation. The details could be left to others.
Unfortunately, now that he was no longer in work mode, exhaustion flooded his system, bringing with it the torrential rush of misery that he'd kept backed up inside for the past few hours.
Doumyouji turned to look out the window at the darkened estate. It was a clear night, and a bright crescent moon graced the sky. He was tired, it was true, but he was also restless and twitchy. Perhaps a nighttime walk could clear his head? Well, he doubted he could sleep now anyway, so it was worth a try. Maybe tomorrow night he'd be exhausted enough to sleep?
Tsukasa threw on a light jacket, and crept out of the silent mansion. He didn't care where his walk took him, as long as it was quiet and far away from this part of town. Some time later, he found himself in a rundown, seedy looking neighborhood. Not that he cared much, but he was thoroughly lost. Dilapidated apartments reared on either side of a dingy, poorly lit street, separated by narrow, dark alleys, from whence suspicious noises could often be heard.
If Tsukasa had been the type to worry about personal safety, then this atmosphere would have been one to inspire concern. However, Tsukasa didn't give a shit. Not only did he care very little about his life right now, but even if he did, he had every confidence in his superior strength and self defense training. Not to mention his innately animalistic violent streak.
Doumyouji paused on one quiet street corner, beneath a flickering street light. He had thought he heard he sound of soft footfalls behind him, or perhaps the gentle shushing of movement? But when he looked around, there was no one there. Still, Doumyouji was no fool. He may have been depressed and distracted, but he was not deceived. He'd known it was stupid getting lost in this part of town. But anyone who tried to mug him deserved what they got. And get it, they would. . .
Three assailants, three thuggish teens in leather and chains, with switchblades and brass knuckles. And they seriously thought they could take Him? The Great Doumyouji Tsukasa? They obviously didn't know who it was they were dealing with.
"Well, looky here, you got yourself lost in the wrong neighborhood, pretty boy." The obvious ringleader spoke, as the other two boys maneuvered into position behind Tsukasa.
Doumyouji merely stared at the guy with a look of utter disdain.
"Not much of a talker, eh? Well, I wouldn't be if I was in your position either. Why don't you just hand over your wallet, like a good boy?"
"And the jacket too!" one of the other thieves chimed in.
"And the jacket too." The ringleader grinned.
"No." Tsukasa glared haughtily back.
"No?" the spokesman shook his head, in mock sadness, "You sure about that?"
"Are you deaf?" Tsukasa's voice was icy as he gave his final reply, "I said No. you'd better leave while you still have legs."
At this, the three boys broke into hyena-like laughter, and tightened their circle, until their leader gave the order to attack.
They really weren't prepared for a foe like Tsukasa. Taller than them, stronger than them, better trained, and far, far angrier than they could ever hope to be, he brushed aside their attack like swatting a fly. Kicking and punching, ignoring the blade that sliced across his knuckles, he could feel bones crunch beneath his feet. The attack, such as it was, was over almost before it had truly begun. Three thugs lay bleeding, battered, and bruised on the ground, while a panting Tsukasa stood over them, nursing his dripping hand.
His heart was pounding, his adrenaline racing, and his hand-- his hand hurt like a bitch. He was going to need stitches, and it was absolutely going to suck explaining That to his mother-- "Oh, it's nothing, I cut myself with a letter opener. Really." But overall. . . . Wow. He felt better than he had in months. There was nothing like a good adrenaline kick to strip away life's shit and leave one feeling refreshed.
Unfortunately, the feeling was short lived, and Tsukasa felt the old weariness creeping over him, as he slouched over the still-groaning bodies on the pavement.
Sudden movement in the corner of his eye grabbed his attention, and he wheeled, not really wanting to face off any more stupid punks, but not seeing any other choice. . . .
-----
Amon yawned. He'd just finished a long shift at the club, followed by cleanup. He hated cleanup. The state smell of spilled beer and cigarette smoke clogged his nostrils, and the entire club looked stark and downright depressing in the harsh fluorescent lights. His back hurt from all the standing, and serving, and sweeping. Soon, the sun would be rising, and he desperately needed sleep if he wanted to put in some quality study time at the university library this afternoon. Gah. This Afternoon. He hated thinking that phrase at four in the morning. Any self-respecting student would be snug in their beds by now. But not him. Oh no. He had to work. And there was no solace in his empty apartment.
Amon always hated the lonely walk home after a long night at work. He knew his neighborhood was the shits, but he wasn't going to waste his money moving someplace better. Not when he was so rarely home, anyway. Still, given the hour, he made sure to walk quietly and quickly through the deceptively deserted streets, keeping to the shadows where possible, and trying to get home as quickly as he could. It's not that he couldn't hold his own if attacked, it's just that. ..it was usually a good idea to avoid confrontation. Especially given his own violent nature, he tended to.. . well, overdo it a bit when defending himself. Another thing he and Doumyouji shared in common, though neither knew it.
He was a mere block from his apartment, when he heard the sound of a scuffle ahead. "Shit." He muttered silently. There just had to be a mugging outside his place. Why tonight, of all nights, when he just wanted to crawl into bed? Now he was going to have to wait here until they'd finished beating their victim, so he could get home in safety. And, with any luck, the poor fool would be unconscious, and Amon could just get by with an anonymous emergency call, and not have to deal with a hysterical mugging victim on his hands as well. What a bloody fucking pain.
The conflict was short lived, and Amon cautiously stuck his head out around the corner to see if the coast was clear.
That was when Doumyouji looked up and saw him.
"Damn." Amon cursed succinctly, not immediately recognizing the shadowed figure ahead, but knowing that he'd been seen.
"You. . . " Tsukasa breathed, recovering from his initial shock at he sight of such a familiar, unwanted face peeking out at him from the night's darkness, "Are you following me? What the hell kind of pervert are you?"
"Me?" Amon sneered, coming forward as recognition dawned on him, and carefully avoiding the groaning bodies on the pavement. "I live here." He pointed at a peeling building across the street. "It's me who should be asking you what brings You here? Perhaps you were looking for me?" he arched an eyebrow inquisitively.
Tsukasa blinked stupidly. His exhaustion-fogged, adrenaline-charged brain was not making adequate connections. Kunisawa . . . lived. . here. Tsukasa was standing, bleeding, right outside the older man's apartment. And shit. His hand was really starting to sting now. The pain made it even harder to think. "Wha?" was the best he could manage, "What do you mean?"
"Well," Amon sighed, running a weary hand through his hair, "You are here, lurking outside my apartment, at four am, beating up my worthless neighbors. . . The logical conclusion is that you were waiting for me. I'm flattered, really." He flashed a short-lived evil grin, "But I need sleep tonight. And you need to get that cut looked at. So our little tete a tete will have to wait."
"Damnit! That's not why I'm here!" Tsukasa growled.
"Oh really?" Amon plainly didn't believe him. But it didn't matter. Amon turned his back on Tsukasa and headed towards his flat.
Tsukasa stared at the older man's retreating back. . Hey wait… he may not have come to see Amon, but now that he was here, and in a relatively private place, there was no way in fucking hell he was going to let that bastard leave without getting an explanation of his prior behavior.
"Wait just one goddamned minute!" Tsukasa snarled, catching up to Amon in a few long strides, and slamming the older man against the crumbling wall of Amon's building. "I want an explanation!"
Amon was unfazed by the attack. "Ah, the impetuousness of youth" he managed to murmur (ignoring, of course, the fact that Tsukasa was only four years younger than himself), as his chill gaze met Doumyouji's heated one, "What do you need explained?"
"You know!" Tsukasa's hands gripped Amon's shoulders tightly, leaving bloodstains on the man's jacket. He knew when he was being baited, and he fought the urge to punch the other man in the face. That damned smug look of superiority just had to go!
"Hmm.. now let me see…" Amon knew Tsukasa was moments away from violence, still he couldn't reset the urge to taunt the boy a bit more. . . . there was just something there that made him want to tease Tsukasa, to toy with him, to bend the boy around his finger. . . And maybe, just maybe, make him beg. . . Ok, so maybe that wasn't all he wanted. But it would be damned entertaining anyway. "Ah! I know" he grinned widely into Tsukasa's astonished face, "You want to know why I kissed your fiancée!"
He was about to continue, but his words were cut off, by Tsukasa's arm compressing his throat.
"Don't Mock me." Tsukasa's glare alone could have made weaker men wet their pants in fear. But not Amon. He'd worn that look too often on his own face to be afraid of it.
"You're such a predictable child." Amon gasped when Tsukasa at last released his choke hold, "Come on upstairs, and we can talk."
Tsukasa eyed the older man suspiciously as if trying to decide if Amon was liable to jump him again if released. But at last he sighed and let go. Amon stepped back, rubbing his throat. "Fuck, that hurt. And did you have to bleed on me? I think I have some band-aids around?"
Thoroughly bemused by the way Amon's mood seemed to shift with every passing breeze, Tsukasa followed up the stairs.
The reasons for Amon's mercurial mood shifts was simple, really, nothing he said or did expressed what was really going on behind that calculating face. He enjoyed taunting Tsukasa, that much was true, even when the situation was as odd as the current one. It was a game, and Amon's primary hobby, after all, was fucking with people's brains. Hell, it was hardly a challenge to confuse Tsukasa; the boy was so simple and straightforward, that the slightest nonlinearity could throw him for a loop. But still, there was more. There was always more. Despite his tiredness and need for sleep, Amon found that he didn't really want Tsukasa to leave. He needed to find a way to make Tsukasa want him,, something that'd make the poor confused boy come back for more.
Amon wasn't quite used to the bizarre emotional rush that he felt whenever his gaze locked with Tsukasa's; the hot flash of recognition of a kindred soul, vied with the undeniable pity he felt for the melancholy teen. Amon wasn't used to feeling pity for people; only a few before had managed to evoke that emotion within him -- ok, make that just one -- Tsukushi. But, yes, he felt sorry for Tsukasa, Mainly because he saw himself in the younger boy, but still… the emotion was there, and it was undeniable. As undeniable as that other more physical ache he had -- the craving to see the face that so resembled his own looking back at him with bright eyes, bruised lips, and flushed cheeks --not the dull orbs and pallid skin that he now saw. The craving to feel that delightfully hard body crushed beneath his own. . . . .
. . . Right. Amon shook his head as he unlocked to door to his small apartment. It was Waay too long since he'd gotten laid. It was time to get his mind out of the gutter, and focus on what he could actually get away with.
Reality was always such a letdown.
"Have a seat." Amon gestured tiredly towards one of the kitchen chairs, letting none of his inner thoughts escape, especially not that last bit. "I'll go see if I've got any antiseptic for that cut."
Doumyouji looked around the dimly lit room. A few dishes in the sink, a crumpled newspaper on the table, beer cans in the recycling. A typical bachelor's pad, he supposed. Nothing to indicate what sort of man really lived here. For the umpteenth time since he found himself following Amon up the rickety stairwell to the apartment, Doumyouji wondered just what the hell he was doing here. Why had he followed Amon? Did he really think any explanation the older man could give for his actions would make sense? Doumyouji had no clue. And the air of expectation that had somehow settled around the room was making him increasingly nervous. The great Doumyouji Tsukasa hated feeling nervous too.
"Found it." Amon returned, brandishing a bottle of antiseptic and a box of Bandaids. "put out your hand."
Tsukasa complied, not even flinching in the slightest at the first touch of the stinging ointment. In fact, his eyes never once wavered from Amon's face. Trying to figure out what was going on behind that oh-so-perfectly composed mask.
"Explanations." He prompted, watching Amon flinch slightly under his intense gaze. Odd, how the man never flinched when Tsukasa had him up against the wall… but now? Tsukasa had no idea what that might mean.
"Mmm…" Amon hummed, carefully plastering a row of bandages over the now-cleaned slice on Tsukasa's knuckles, "You're such a child. So impatient. . . "
"Stop calling me that."
". . . It's simple really, what I want. Doumyouji Tsukasa. You interest me. You know that? So angry, so unhappy. You remind me of me.. . Oh don't look so surprised! You're still young though. . .There's still hope for you. " Amon turned away, not having meant to say anything quite so serious, "And besides, you look like me. Do you have any idea what a turn on that is?" Seeing Doumyouji's faintly nauseated look, Amon sighed, "I guess not huh? Oh well. . .
"Well then, let me tell you something else. . . " Amon stared straight into Tsukasa's eyes, as if he could will this man into believing the words that came next. "I understand you. I understand you like no one else ever will be able to. Do you know why? It's because we are so much alike. I know why you're unhappy. I know exactly what you need to feel better. I Can help shake that cloud of despair that hangs over you. No one else can do that. Only me. Because I understand you, I know what you've been through. I've been there myself."
"Why should you care?" Tsukasa spat back, confused by the intensity in the older man's voice.
Amon gave a self-deprecating shrug, "I guess… I just don't want to see you growing up like me."
"Besides," Tsukasa continued headlong, only half-hearing Amon's reply, "All I need is Makino."
"But you can't have her." Amon nearly shouted in frustration, "You lost her!" His voice lowered abruptly, and he continued almost in a whisper, "Something. . I could never have." His voice picked up again, as he sought to defuse some of the building tension, "Hey, we have that much in common too!"
"Yeah, so?" Tsukasa muttered, "You and me and half the men in Tokyo by now."
"No way." Amon had to laugh, "Only a few of us have the singular taste for that girl. . . Anyway. Think about it, Doumyouji Tsukasa. You need someone. You need Something. Why not let it be me?"
Tsukasa was still reeling from Amon's earlier speech. He couldn't really take in more. Was this some kind of Fucked up proposition? "But. .. But. . ." he managed to splutter at last. . ."You're a guy!" He wanted to go on, ranting something about how, he didn't even like Amon, how the guy was a lying, selfish, manipulative bastard. . but something in the glint in Amon's eye stopped him, and he spluttered to silence after his first lame protest.
"So?" Amon twitched an amused eyebrow, "What's that got to do with it? It all feels the same when the lights are out.. . .. Hmm. . . well, ok. Maybe quite the same. . . but if it makes you feel better, you can always pretend you're kissing yourself."
"T. .. That. .. That's disgusting!"
"Maybe some other time then?" Amon sighed in not-entirely-feigned regret, "Remember what I said. I know you boy, I know you like no one else ever will. When you need me. Well, you know where I live." He waved a dismissing hand at the door. "Now go home, if you're done listening to me. I need my sleep."
Distrustfully, as if expecting the older man to pounce on him at any second, Tsukasa went.
Long after Tsukasa had vanished into the night. Amon sat at his lonely table staring after him, an emotion close to longing writ large across his face, and all thought of sleep forgotten.
For his part, Tsukasa felt even more confused than when the evening began. Not just confused, but well. .. deeply and truly disturbed. He was used to girls wanting him for his looks, or his money, or his name. . . but never guys. . . much less a guy that made such blatant propositions. . . a guy who. . Doumyouji shuddered, looked too much like him. .. a guy who had tried to steal his girlfriend once. .. a guy who. . .promised to understand him? No one understood him; that was part of Tsukasa's essential loneliness. .. . what would it be like to be understood, for once in his life? To be understood, and appreciated? Someone who didn't see him as simply an idiot, a violent beast, but who could see the heart and the depths that lay beneath it all? . . . But . .. A guy??. . . A creepy guy like Kunisawa? And how could he even think about doing anything, anything at all, with someone he didn't love? Maybe that wasn't what Kunisawa was after? But following on that kiss??? Tsukasa doubted it.
As Doumyouji trudged home, temptation, distrust and loathing warred within him. But somehow, it just didn't bother him as much, as before. Maybe it was the blood seeping through carefully applied bandages that distracted him from his thoughts, or the weariness from his long walk combined with the crash from the adrenaline overdrive he'd had, but he couldn't bring himself to care as much about his unhappiness, or why the world felt the need to try him so.
Enlightenment didn't come, that night. But sleep eventually did, to all concerned..
To be continued.
hmm.. . .Maybe I've said this before, but I should say it again. I really shouldn't try to finish chapters after coming home from going out clubbing on gayboy night…. mMm . . gayboys. . .so Cute!. .. So. . . Not for Me. . . sniffle. ..
Anyway, enough of that. Next chapter: comedic interludes. It's about fucking time I wrote some of those.
And, I realized why this fic isn't so good. It's pretty obvious really. The last two were all about delving deeper into characters based on actual stuff from manga. This fic ain't about that at all, since by this point, i've obviously stopped seeing the characters as they were originally written, and reflecting about how they got to this point doesn't do much. Instead it's just my random plot that I started as a personal challenge. I think really, I should have ended this series after fools, like i said I was going to. Too late now though! And so your stuck with my weirdness. Fun!