Chapter 11

They dressed in silence and he left the room. She had expected that. No doubt he felt as awkward and confused as she did. After all, they really barely knew each other. As captain and subordinate perhaps, but not as man and woman and certainly not as two people that had carnal knowledge of one another. She still wasn't exactly sure what had happened; what had come over her.

As much as she had prepared herself for it, it still disturbed her when he walked out without so much as a peep. She sighed and moved over to the window to open the shutter, her first thought to air out the room. Then she went to sit on her bed, lowering her head in her hands and beginning to contemplate what she had just done.

She looked up with a slight start at the sound of the door opening again. Shang entered carrying a bowl and a towel. Kicking the door shut behind him, he approached her and set the bowl down on the table beside her bed. There was water in the bowl, she saw now.

Handing her the towel, he gestured to the water and then toward her face. "For your lip."

Her hand went to her lower lip and she explored the spot where she'd bitten down. "Oh. Thank you."

It was already becoming slightly swollen and she realized it was throbbing. Her mind had been so weighted down with confusion and uneasiness at what she had done that she hadn't noticed and had forgotten about it.

Shang took a seat on the edge of Doctor Yang's bed and watched her as she dampened the towel in the cool water and pressed it against her lower lip, wincing at the initial sting from putting pressure on the cut.

"I remember that day I met you in the corridor at home," he began. "You had just arrived the night before."

Mulan nodded and lowered the towel to speak. "I made you so angry. You were practicing your moves and I interrupted you."

"No, I wasn't angry at you," he answered gruffly.

"The way you looked at me…"

"I was angry at my father." The words were rough, uttered with a wistful sigh, and he turned his head to gaze out the window. "You were only sixteen when you arrived at our house, weren't you, Mulan?"

"Yes," she answered tentatively.

His eyes closed and he shook his head slowly, a soft expulsion of air passing from his lips. "He was three times your age," he said finally.

"That bothered you?"

"He was a fool."

She stared at him in surprise.

"It's my duty to honor his memory now that he's gone," he began softly. "What went on between us, any disagreements, none of that matters any longer. He was an excellent general and a brave man, and he taught me to be what I am today. But…he was foolish. It was bad enough when he took Second Wife. My mother still had her looks, but she was over thirty and he wanted someone younger."

Shang shook his head, perplexed, as if he couldn't begin to fathom what his father had been thinking. He was speaking so candidly to her it took her aback somewhat. In her discomfort she concentrated on dabbing the cloth in water again and tending to her lip as she listened.

"The thing is, he was getting older, too," he continued, his tone laced with annoyance. "It was ridiculous for him to be with such young girls. Every new wife he took was younger than the last. Third Wife was only twenty-two when he married her…and Fourth Wife was nineteen!"

His face creased into an expression of absolute disgust as he rattled off Honglian's age.

"And then I heard about you…my mother told me she'd met you and how old you were. I couldn't believe it."

"Oh, that's what it was," she murmured, remembering the look he'd given her. At the time she had assumed that his disgust was toward her; but it was her age and the fact that his father had taken someone so young as a concubine.

"I know men of high status do it all the time, but still…it bothered me."

He turned away from the window to gaze at her intently now. For the first time she noticed that he had very kind eyes when he allowed his face to soften, to not appear so stern.

"It must have been very hard for you," he remarked quietly.

"I failed the matchmaker's test. My father was very ill and I was taking care of him. I thought I just wouldn't get married; that I would stay home and continue to take care of him. It never occurred to me that I would instead be sent away to be someone's fifth wife. The day I left home he looked so awful, so heartbroken. I did that to him." She sighed sadly.

"What happened at the matchmaker's?"

"I was nervous. She never did like me and I felt as if I was doomed to fail before I even went in there because of that. Self-fulfilling prophecy," she laughed. "I ended up spilling tea all over her good dress, among other things."

"A positive attitude makes a difference. As a soldier, you've learned that lesson well now. I bet if you went back to her you would do just fine."

Mulan felt heartened as she glimpsed his lopsided half-smile. He looked nice when he smiled. Her own smile faded as thoughts of her conversation with Doctor Yang a few nights before came to mind and remorse settled in her chest. She owed him apologies as well; she'd been cruel, too, and she'd made things very difficult for him.

"Shang, I never meant to make a fool out of you. It was a coincidence that I ended up in your camp. At first I was afraid you'd recognize me, but then I thought that maybe you wouldn't even remember that day in the corridor. You're not a fool. I think you're a great captain."

A wistful sigh escaped his lips. "I know that I'm an excellent warrior. But I've come to realize that I'll probably never be the leader my father was. I don't know if I care. With his death," his voice became tight and he stopped, closing his eyes for a brief moment. "That all doesn't seem to matter anymore. I just want to get my men home and then return to my own house. Forget about war, the army."

She lowered her head and gazed down into her lap. And what of her? Both of them had lost control of themselves in a brief moment of desperation and lust. There was no love and their act meant nothing. But she wondered if this would change her situation at all. Would he feel guilty now, responsible for her in some odd way? Perhaps he would feel it was his duty to see to it that she was left somewhere safe. Or maybe he figured that she'd allowed him to take his liberties with her in order to manipulate him into feeling responsible for her. If that was the conclusion he came to, he'd be very angry and perhaps his punishment would be even more severe. Whichever way it went, she knew that she didn't want him to feel obligated to her; and she certainly didn't want to feel beholden to him.

"At least for a little while," he added with a sigh.

Their eyes met when she raised her head again and looked at him.

"Your home..." he began.

Mulan shook her head. He was beginning to tread on dangerous territory.

"When you left…you went there and found out what had happened to it, to your village."

"I bought Khan in one of the villages near the Li compound. And then I rode home…" she trailed off and swallowed hard. "Our ancestral shrine remained standing. Funny how they destroyed everything else and left that intact. I suppose even the enemy can recognize something sacred." She shakily released a bitter laugh at that and tossed the damp cloth she'd been holding away. "My father had died not long after I came to live with the general. His name was already on the ancestral tablets…but my mother and grandmother…"

She trailed off again and closed her eyes, bracing herself against the twinge of pain that had gripped her heart despite the effort she'd made to not feel it. The floorboards creaked from the weight of him shifting on the bed and she opened her eyes. He'd stood up and taken a hesitant step toward her.

"Mulan…" he began softly but she shook her head and held a hand up to stop him. He sat down again.

Tears had begun to form in her eyes and she angrily brought a hand up to wipe them away. The tender expression on his face, the concern in his eyes all conspired to cleave her heart open, laying bare the feelings that she preferred to keep shut up and she turned away. Her muscles around her throat ached unbearably from forcing back the huge lump that had formed there. She swallowed hard again and brought her hands up to her neck, softly stroking the skin to ease the pain.

Regaining control of herself after a few minutes, she lowered her hands back into her lap and faced him again. "I added their names to the tablets and left. There was nothing there anymore. I don't know how many days I was riding before I found a village. Scrolls were pasted up everywhere with the names of the men that had been called into service. My father's name was still up there…and a man in town referred to me as a young man. My hair was tied back and I'd lost weight, so I guess I didn't look womanly to him. That's what gave me the idea."

"And that's when you decided to join the army, in your father's place?"

"Yes."

"I can understand that you wanted revenge on the people that did that…"

"No, not revenge…I don't think. I can't really tell you why. I wish I could…that I could give you a noble reason for why I did this. But I can't…I was compelled to do it."

"Maybe you were meant to be here," he mused, "to carry out that crazy idea of yours and save us."

She shrugged.

"You saved my life…you went out of your way to do it, at the risk of getting killed yourself."

"Well, in hindsight, rushing toward Shan-Yu was pretty stupid. Chi Fu is right. It's pure luck that my idea worked; it really could have turned into disaster."

"After the avalanche started I was lost in the wave of snow…you could have gotten yourself to safety. But instead you rode into the thick of the avalanche to rescue me. You risked your life to come after me."

There was gratitude in his eyes and she felt her cheeks become warm with pride.

"You know, you could go back to the Li compound, Mulan. You'd be one of General Li's widows, but at least you'd have a home, and you could live out your life comfortably. No one there has to know what happened."

"What would I tell them? That I had a bad feeling about my family and hurried home to them?"

"Yes," he answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

She didn't know what to say. He was completely unaware of the underhanded fighting that went on between the wives, and she would never bring it up to him since he would assume that she was talking about his mother as well. Of course that wouldn't matter now, since there was no General Li to fight over. Just his money.

But then there was the boredom factor, and the idea of being confined within the walls of the compound for the rest of her life. She couldn't explain that to him either, or the fact that she was afraid she'd go insane the way Honglian did.

"It's very kind of you to offer such a thing after everything I've done. But…you're already in hot water with Chi Fu. I don't want you to get in trouble because of me."

"Don't worry about me. I can handle Chi Fu. I've had plenty of practice."

He grinned at her and she couldn't help but laugh. Somehow, from one simple act of wild, meaningless passion, they'd crossed back over a line; no longer bitter enemies, they had become friends, each of them revealing something to the other that neither could express to anyone else.

It was the beginning of a very odd friendship indeed.

oooOooo

Every single time was rough and violent. Often he hurt her, leaving her raw and bruised from the force with which he shoved himself inside of her. But she didn't care. Passion and pain were the two things that reminded her that she was alive.

This really is a very strange…affair, she thought with a quiet sigh.

She rolled onto her side to look at the man lying on the floor beside her, catching his breath. They didn't love each other, she knew that. He'd been her captain and she had always respected him. Other than that, she hadn't figured out her own feelings for him yet; all she knew was that she loved running her hands across his massive chest and along the defined contours of his sculpted torso, arms, legs. She loved the feel of his warm, muscular body against hers when they lay together, wrapping her legs around him to pull him as close as possible against her. She loved the way he embraced her so fervently that he nearly squeezed the breath out of her, the way he grabbed her so hard he left red marks on her skin, the smell of his sweat and passion, the fullness of him inside of her, and she loved resting her head against his broad shoulder as she caught her breath with him after climaxing.

His feelings for her were a complete mystery. When he came to her during these stolen moments alone the insatiable hunger and desire in his eyes was unmistakable. But when their lovemaking was finished, she was on shaky ground, unsure of his intentions.

Shang had made clear in just a few words that, though he respected General Li as a military man, he'd had less of an opinion of him as a father. After so many disagreements a rift had formed between father and son, never to be repaired due to the general's untimely death. Young Master Li had clearly resented his father's behavior and coveted his youngest wife. Her. It occurred to her that Shang had used her to get back at his father. Maybe that was why he'd wanted her so desperately that first time. But that would have been the end of it if that was the case, wouldn't it? Instead, every time that they had a chance to be alone in her room without the others knowing he was back.

Mulan closed her eyes and mused on the moments she'd had with him, before and after her revealing. The day they came to that village and found that the general's army had been beaten, destroyed. She remembered how he looked at her when he came to sit by the fire with her, to make sure ' Ping' was alright. How concerned his expression was, how he'd noticed she hadn't eaten. He must have been beside himself with grief, yet there he was looking after her.

Even after he'd discovered the truth, despite his unspeakable fury, he'd worried about her. All those bad nights filled with pain and nightmares, how many times had she woken to find him sitting beside her, watching over her, asking her if she needed the doctor to give her something? So beside herself with pain and fear, she hadn't thought twice about it or even wondered why he'd been keeping vigil over her sleeping form. Did he care for her in his own odd way?

This would be the last time that they would have a moment like this probably. Everyone was anxious to get moving, tired of being in one place for so many days, and they all wanted to get home. The snow had ceased and was finally beginning to melt. The troop would be leaving the next day, though their journey would be slow-going due to the depth of the snow. She didn't know whether she would be leaving with the rest of them or not, nor had she ever given Shang an answer after he suggested that she return to the Li compound. Once they parted she would never see him again.

He rolled onto his side now and gazed at her. Melancholy pervaded her as she regarded his face. They'd been so physically close, yet they barely knew each other and she couldn't imagine that they would ever begin to understand the nuances of one another.

Shang reached over and stroked her face tenderly. "Mulan…I…" He trailed off, looking somewhat perplexed, as if he wanted to tell her something but was unable to speak it out loud. "Our victory is your victory, Mulan. You deserve to be honored for it, more than any of us. But…if you came to the Imperial City with us, you would be signing your own death sentence."

"I don't expect a reward for doing my duty. For doing what was right."

"Still…I wish there was more that I could do for you." He sighed. "If it weren't for Chi Fu…"

Silence stretched between them as he trailed off, unable to speak the rest of that thought. Then he sighed again.

"We're still a long way from the Imperial City and I want to make sure wherever you stay is safe."

"I'll be fine from here. What will you tell the others? That I'm too weak to travel so I stayed behind?"

"It's an idea. After we… report to the Emperor, I can come back for you. We can travel home to my family's house together."

She didn't respond. There was no way to explain why she didn't want to return with him and she thought it better not to contradict him or even speak with him any further about it. Once he was gone with the troop, she would leave on her own for points unknown and ask the proprietor of the inn to convey a message to Shang that she'd left.

It would be too late for him to stop her then.

oooOooo

"What will you do now?"

Doctor Yang's bag was packed and he turned at the door to bid her goodbye.

"I'll be heading north, to Wan County. It's where I grew up and I still have some relatives there," she lied.

He frowned.

"Have a safe journey," she continued.

"And you as well. Here," he said, withdrawing a small packet from his bag. "In case you have any problem with the wound getting infected."

After giving her instructions for preparing and using the herbs, he wished her well and cautioned her to be careful, then left the room.

She dressed quickly and ventured out of the room to see her comrades off, anxious to be on her way as soon as they were all gone. Li Shang met her in the corridor.

"Have a safe trip, Captain." She saluted him.

"Do you have enough money to pay for your room until I can get back here?" he asked quietly.

"I'm all set. Thank you."

As soon as she was sure that the troop was long gone, she packed her bag and left a message for Shang with the proprietor, who stared at her like she had two heads then agreed with a nod of his head to give him the message.

After saddling Khan and preparing him for the journey, she set off in the opposite direction from the Imperial City, back toward the village that they'd stayed in the night before they arrived at that inn.

When she got to the village she was greeted by a group of panicking residents who described to her six strangers, one of massive size with golden eyes, that had passed through town five days before.

Based on their description she realized that somehow a handful of the enemy army had survived, including Shan-Yu. She couldn't fathom how it was possible though. They had been buried under massive amounts of snow.

"They were heading south."

Mulan nodded agreement. "Toward the Imperial City," she assessed quickly.

"Where is the rest of your troop?" a man asked.

"They are all headed home, as was I. But maybe I can catch up to them and warn them. You said they passed through here five days ago. Were they on foot or on horseback?"

"On foot when they arrived. But they left with six horses, obtaining them from our neighbors at sword point."

Her eyes narrowed in thought. If they left five days before on horseback, they had a head start and would reach the Imperial City before Shang's troop.

Spurring Khan on again, she turned and headed off toward Chang'an. She had to warn Shang.