Hello! :3 New chapter: hurrah! :D

Snowy (guest): Thanks for the review! c: And "ninja things"? Ooh, that's terrifying. xD I better post as frequently as possible! x3

Chapter Eleven

Savage Mister Spike

Brother Mooralfus was on patrol. He felt proud, important, strong, and brave. He held his head high. Yes sir, nothing could scare Brother Moor–

"EEK!"

Constance was being fed chocolate bars by Matthias, because chocolate is good for PMS.

"Now now, Constance, you were a very naughty girl today," said Matthias, "Weren't you?"

Constance glared at him as she stuffed more chocolate into her mouth. "I'm not a pet, you know."

"Sure you're not," Matthias lied.

Suddenly, Brother Mooralfus burst into the room, screaming hysterically at the top of his lungs. "IN! BRUSH! MOVING! SOMETHING! SAW! I! THE!" And then he promptly fainted.

Constance gasped. "Mooralfus has spotted something moving in the brush! Hurry, everyone!"

Everyone hurried.

Except Brother Mooralfus.

He was still lying on the ground.

Everyone reached the wall.

Constance peered about the darkness. "I can't see anything..."

Matthias shoved her aside. "Stand back, oldie. This is a job for MATTHIAS THE MOUSE and his EPIC NIGHT VISION!"

Constance pouted. "Hmph. How come you get the better night vision?"

"Meow," Matthias meowed, as if that answered everything.

He scanned the forest.

He saw ferns moving.

He saw an unmoving figure in the grass.

The ferns stopped moving.

"Nothing," Matthias said miserably. "Nothing but an unmoving beast in the grass and some suspicious behavior in the ferns."

Everyone sighed sadly and went away, leaving Constance and Matthias alone.

"WAIT!" Matthias exclaimed, and he looked again. "THAT'S AMBROSE SPIKE!"

"I knew he'd make a lousy messenger," Constance said, shaking her head.

"Never mind that! We've got to see if he's dead or not! 'Cause I've never seen a dead thing before... 'Cept fish, but they're not all that interestin'."

"Ew," said Constance, "no, Matthias! It could be a trap! ...Also, don't you think you're a bit young to be staring at dead things?"

"Nonsense!" Matthias screamed. "I wanna see a dead thing, and I wanna see one NOW!"

Constance put her paws on her hips. "Well then, unless you can think of a way to get that carcass from there to here without getting caught by any possible enemies, you're NOT going to be seeing THAT dead body any time soon." Constance smirked. She had him there.

Matthias screwed up his face in thought. "All right then!" he exclaimed happily. "I'll be back soon!" And he whisked off.

"Not fair," Constance muttered, pouting.

Suddenly, Brother Mooralfus appeared. He sat down next to Constance.

"Nyuk nyuk!" he said.

"Shut up, Alfus," Constance snapped.

Matthias came back with some moles.

"MATTHIAS!" Constance screamed, alarmed. "YOU SHOULD GET THOSE MOLES REMOVED! They could be bad for your HEALTH!"

"Not those kind of moles, stupid!" Matthias scolded. "They're the BURROWING kind of moles!"

"ThuTs rIT," said a mole. "WEEre molls. wEv com 2 hehlp u owt!1!"

"These moles are hard to understand," said Constance, wincing. "They speak like troll fics!"

"wutEva," said the lead mole. "luts juhst git ur hehghug frund bacc allruddy?!"

And so the moles began digging. Everyone gasped with shock. One minute the moles were here, the next minute they were gone, just like that!

"Must be magic," Brother Mooralfus whispered to the others.

They nodded in agreement.

Matthias paced about the land near the moles' hole. He let out a fangirl-ish squeal. "Ooh, I'm so excited! This will be the first dead thing I've ever actually SEEN!" He squealed again.

Suddenly the moles appeared out of the hole, looking cheerful.

"Gess wut? ur FrUND is alivE!"

They rolled Ambrose Spike out of the hole.

Matthias looked crestfallen. "Darn."

Father Abbot tended to Ambrose Spike's wounds himself, because he was Ambrose Spike's secret Santa on Christmas.

He cleaned up a disgusting strip of blood and flesh. It was disgusting.

Brother Mooralfus threw up sympathetically. "Poor guy; do you think he'll live?"

Father Abbot chuckled, which sounds pretty heartless. What kind of a secret Santa laughs by their secret receiver's sick bed, anyway? "Ambrose will be fine, my son," Father Abbot said. "Ambrose Spike is made of cow skin and needles! Ambrose Spike is as tough as rock! That's why he passed out, my son."

"Ah," said Brother Mooralfus, clutching his weak stomach.

Then Ambrose Spike awoke. "GIMME BEER YOU IMBECILES!" he screeched savagely.

Everyone present laughed lightheartedly at Ambrose Spike's little antics.

He was given some October ale and he drank like a pig, which he wasn't.

"So," Father Abbot asked, "What happened, my son?"

"WELL I WAS WARNIN' PEOPLE ABOUT THE STUPID VERMIN AN' THEN I WARNED THE BANKVOLES AN' THEN COLIN VOLE WENT ALL SCREECHY-LIKE AN' I SPANKED HIM WHICH MADE HIS PARENTS MAD AN' THEY STARTED YELLIN' AT ME, THE KOOKS, AN' THEN WE WAS AMBUSHED BY VERMIN AN' THEY STABBED ME AN' THEY THOUGHT I WAS DEAD AN' THEY SAID I WOULDN'T MAKE A GOOD SANDWICH SO THEY LEFT ME ALONE BUT THEY TOOK THE VOLE FAMILY AND YADDA YADDA YADDA KNIVES BEER HERE I AM," Ambrose Spike screamed. Then he belched.

Matthias had a sad. HE had wanted to kill Colin Vole... Maybe he could save the Vole family and then show that stupid vole who was boss...?

"No, Matthias," said Father Abbot. "We can't show people who's boss. That's RUDE RUDE RUDE."

"Besides," added Constance. "You'd have to save the Vole family first, which you can't because we haven't got the guts."

Matthias wandered into the Great Hall.

He stared at Martin's tapestry and, after talking to himself for an entire paragraph, promptly wept.

Then he felt a paw on his shoulder.

He looked up.

It was Cornflower.

"I wish I was a dead thing right now," he said.

"Matthias!" she hissed in her horrible voice. "How dare you say something so awful! Your heart must be full of rotten trash and worms!"

And she whisked away.

Matthias smiled sappily. "Thanks, Martin," he said, "you have spoken to me through Cornflower."

Because everyone knows weak women can't make inspiring speeches all by themselves.

Not my best chapter, in my opinion, but oh well. :P That's for you guys to decide.

Reviews are appreciated! :3 Snack bars are OPEN!

The Red Velveteer