11- Jude POV

There's nothing else quite like being jolted from your sleep to vomit. It's worse than any nightmare, and it truly leaves an awful taste in
your mouth, no matter how many times you wash your mouth out, and smother every inch with toothpaste. It'd happened to you several times the night before, and the only thing that made it barable was that Tommy was right there with you every time, holding back your hair and running a cold wash cloth across your forehead and down each of your cheeks. You must have looked hideous, but he didn't seem to notice. You knew in the club what this meant, but Tommy didn't. Not yet. He might be suspicious, but you doubt it'd really become a possibility in his mind yet. You wish you could have that mindset. You wish you didn't know that this was what your life was going to be like for the next three months, at least. You wondered if he was still going to be there when he found out that you were carrying his child. You thought he would be, but for some reason, you weren't sure.

"Tommy.." You whimper as you lay back down in the bed, hoping that was the last round at least until morning. Why the hell did they call it morning sickness if it was going to keep you up all night too? Didn't seem very fair!

"It's okay, girl. I'm right here." He wraps his arm loosely around your waist and pulls you closer to him as he places a gentle kiss into your hair.

"I'm sorry I ruined your night." You whisper so softly that you aren't even sure he heard you, but you don't have the energy to repeat
yourself. So you let it go.

"You could never ruin anything for me." It was almost a vow of sorts, a guarantee, but it wasn't one you could believe or accept. You were about to turn his life upside down and you had no idea how to tell him. He was Tom Quincy, you'd never even met his parents. You didn't even know if they were alive. How was it possible that you knew so little about him when he knew everything he could possibly know about you, including that your first, and only, pet was Gizmo. Gizmo was a puppy that your dad bought you on your eighth birthday. He was mini chiwawa. You loved him immediately. You loved that he was so small that even at such a young age as you were, you felt you could protect him from the harsh world of fighting parents, and golden older sisters, not that he had any of them. It was the concept mostly. But Gizmo was so young that he hadn't been trained the ways of living inside. Two days later, he peed on one of your mom's favorite pillows, and that was the last day you ever saw him. You cried for weeks because suddenly the house felt too much big and lonely without him. You blamed your mother for that, you still do. Tommy knows that.

"Tommy?" You whimper, almost in tears from the memories of Gizmo and the uncertainty of everything going on in your life. When had life gotten so complicated? You remember a time when you could crawl into your dad's lap and he'd give you a Hershey kiss, and the world's, well yours, problems just drifted away with the silver wrapping that was discarded into the trashcan. You suddenly wanted a Hershey's kiss more than anything else, but you also knew, somehow, that chocolate wasn't good for pregnancies. You forget why, but you know not to ask for it. You hear a faint "Hm?" in your ear, and it's barely enough to make you continue, but you know that the curiosity will drive you crazy. It did kill the cat, after all. You figure some sayings you should listen to more than others, for example, the stepping on cracks in cement, or even tiles . Seriously! You're always amazed to watch people, and sometimes it seems so effortless that it doesn't seem like they realize their doing it until all of a sudden they take a ginormous step because there are two too close together. "Tell me about your family."

You can feel his body tense against yours, and you hope you didn't upset him. You didn't mean to make him uncomfortable necessarily, you just wanted, you needed to know. After all, how could anything that produced Tommy be bad? You didn't see how it was possible. "They died in a car accident when I was little. I don't really remember anything about them. I was raised by my ma's best friend. She was
French, and she barely knew any English, which was kind of difficult since I'd never really been taught French. But she did the best she
could with me. "You frown because you feel like that is something you should know. You were having a baby with a man that you just realizing you barely knew anything about. How had you lived with him so long and not known that.

"So what happened?" You encourage him to continue, because you need to know how he overcame it, and how he became Little Tommy Q.

"When I was about twelve, she got married, and the man, he.. He didn't like me. Since I wasn't in school, he thought I was a waste of human air. I was taking up space that he could use. In fact, he wouldn't even look at me. It wasn't long after they married that he started drinking all of the time.. I was .. I took the blame for things that made him mad because I hated to know what he could do to her. She had such a kind heart, you know? There'd be days where he'd lock me in my room, and not let me out, and when he fell asleep, he slept a lot, she'd slide crackers underneath the door for me. It wasn't much, but he kept the key, so there wasn't anyway she could have given me more."

"Tommy..." Tears are cascading down your face as you turn towards him to find that his eyes are watery as well. "I am so sorry. I .. I shouldn't have asked." You look down to his bare chest, ashamed of yourself. You should have known he was protecting you from something. He always is.

"No girl, I should have told you a long time ago, I just.. It's hard." Your heart breaks all over as one of his tears hits your finger that was cupping his face. Before you can tell him to stop, that he didn't need to say anymore, he continued. Maybe he needed to get it off his chest. Maybe it'd been eating him up, and he had to physically and verbally get it out. Whatever the reason, he continued the heartbreaking story.

"On the days I was allowed out, I ended up causing a lot of trouble in the community. I guess it was a cry for help. I don't know. No one knew what happened behind closed doors, all they knew was that I was the kid who lost his parents. And I was angry at the world for it. Maybe I was." You watch helplessly as he blinks back more tears as best as possible, but he doesn't seem to have any luck.

"I was sixteen when the town finally had had enough of my mischief. Since I was well known for my parents, I guess they thought they were trying to give me a small break. They sent me to a catholic center instead of juvie." Your heart practically leaps as you watch a small smile finally grace his face. How you missed his smile all of a sudden.

"Apparently, Darius went there too. When he was getting together his band, he came back to the school to see if there were any prospects. Darius was all about lost causes back then. We were pretty much all some sort of lost cause in Darius's eyes. Anyway, I was the only one he seemed halfway interested in, which was weird because I'd only had a few months of lessons by then. He called it raw talent. Said that they can do great things with it with the sound board. Who was I to argue with a guy that seemed to have it all. He was my way out of the town that would forever feel sorry for me." He closes his eyes and kisses your forehead. "Long story short, I changed my name and Darius took me under his wing. Anything else, I'm sure Sadie has told you." He grinned, and you were relieved. You usually made a smart comment when he referenced to Sadie's Boyz Attack obsession, but you were just so happy to see him grin, you couldn't bear to say anything. Not right then.

"Then you met me." You smile, hoping it'll bring back the light to his eyes, and it did.

"Then I met the first ever Instant Star." He nodded as he interlaced his fingers with yours. "And here I am." You couldn't help but lean in and kiss him.

"I love you, Tommy." You whisper softly, your lips still so close that they brush against his as you speak, not that you minded. In fact, you would stay that way all the time, if you could. You almost frown when he doesn't automatically respond untill you feel your lower lip being nibbled by his teeth. You aren't sure about much after that because it all became a haze, but you definitely remember him making SURE that you knew how much he loves you, and of course, that you knew his name. You guess the third time was a charm. That seems to fit into a lot of things in Tommy's life.

After only a couple, and by couple you are probably stretching it a little, of hours of sleep, and several more rounds with your new
intimate friend, the toilet, you make your way into the kitchen and immediately blush to see Sadie sitting at the table, looking like she'd gotten even less sleep than you.

"Uh Sades? Is there a reason you're in my kitchen?" You attempt to remember what exactly happened last night, but the last thing you
remember is running to the bathroom at the bar, and then you're talk with Tommy. You also wonder where Tommy is. He hadn't woken you up when he left, which wasn't like him. Maybe he felt sorry for waring you out. Oh yes, you remember that too, with a big old smile on your face, in fact.

"You owe me, big time, Jude." Sadie frowned as she continued to stir her bowl of.. You would assume it was cheerios at one point, but you have a feeling she'd been sitting there awhile. You consider taking the bowl away from her, but you decide that's probably not safe until she's finished saying whatever she'd been brewing in that head of hers since she sat down. Had she seen Tommy?

"You're going to have to explain a little better than that, sis. I don't even remember you coming over last night, which is strange, because I
don't even remember drinking. Did I drink?" You're sure you're mumbling, but someone has to fill the awkward silence, and obviously her lack of talking nominated you.

"About that.. Jude, I think we need to talk." You freeze, wondering what she knew. Had you spilled things other than the contents of your stomach last night? You hope not. There couldn't be a worse time for this to happen.

"About... what exactly?" You tread carefully because there is no way you are going to spill any more than absolutely necessary. Besides, you still don't even know why she's here.

"You didn't have anything to drink, Jude. I can't even count how many times you threw up last night. P.S.. Sex after that. EW!" You watch as she grimaces at what you could only assume what she heard. Your cheeks blush once again as vivid images filter through your mind. You didn't know she was there!

"Oh my god." You cover your face with your hands, trying to forget that you now know she was there! "I'm going to kick Tommy's ass!" You mumble, still not able to look at her. "He knew you were here.. And he.. Oh. He is SO dead when I see him!" You're able to pull away from your shield on pure fury alone.

"Relax. I had my ipod." Sadie tries to calm you down, but it's really no use. He could have at least told you that you were having one of the most embarrassing time slots of your life.

"I am soo sorry, Sades." You can't bring yourself to look at her so you opt for standing and pouring yourself a glass of milk, pretending you didn't see the iced mocha sitting right beside it.

"Jude. I think you should go see a doctor." You forcefully swallow the sip of milk as you sit back down.

"It was just a bug, Sades." You aren't sure who you're trying to convince, but it's pretty clear that she believes you about as much as
you believe yourself.

"I don't think so, hun." She slowly stretched out her hand to grab onto yours, and tears automatically pool in your eyes.

"I.. I have a test." You whisper, only sparing her a glance long enough for her to nod. You can't believe it. You, Jude Harrison, were having a baby. You always wondered what people meant when they said they just knew. It was as if you could feel it in you. You knew, somehow even with your lack of scholastic aptitude, that wasn't possible, but you just felt it. You'd already almost decided that it was a boy, but you knew you were getting ahead of yourself, more than usual, with that. Although you did hope for a boy. You don't think you could handle a little prima donna running around. With your luck, between Tommy as the dad, and Sadie as the aunt, it seemed almost inevitable. You just hoped it would love music. Wow, where did all of these thoughts come from? You were more comfortable with the fear. It was as if you'd already accepted your fate, and in a way you had.

"I'm going to be right here, Jude." She smiles at you in that way that only your best friend/sister can, and you finally muster up the strength to raise off the chair and make your way, albeit slowly, to the bathroom to retrieve the bag. The bag you had sought out yesterday, even before you'd gotten sick. You suppose you knew that you were going to need it, that you wouldn't have the courage to go back to the doctor alone, much less ask Sadie to go with you. Although now, you're sure she'd volunteer. But you wouldn't wish that cold exam room on anyone. Waiting was tedious, and they did nothing to calm your fears. They treated you like you were a common whore who visited weekly to make sure she hadn't gotten knocked up by the week's latest boy toy. You weren't like that, and they didn't even care. They didn't even ask you. They just guided you to the bathroom and handed you the plastic cup. You don't even think they recognized you. Or maybe they did. Maybe they were just disappointed in you, maybe their kids were fans, and they were ashamed of you. But you were almost 21, damn it. You weren't 15 anymore, and people really had to accept that. You didn't care that you weren't married, why should they?

You took a deep breath before the shame on the nurses face took over your senses. You didn't know any of those things, and it would do you no good to pretend you did. Once the bag is firmly in your griip, you raise yourself back up to look in the mirror to meet Sadie's eyes. They were full of sympathy and love, but you were surprised not to find pity. You figured Sadie of all people would pity you for getting knocked up from Tommy. Did she know more than she was telling? Did Tommy know? A sinking feeling overwhelmed your stomach at the thought. What did he think? Is that why he wanted the house? To appease you? To make you think he was okay with it? To make you think that he didn't care that you'd officially killed any dreams he had left? Before you could control yourself, you collapsed to the floor in sobs, and you barely noticed when Sadie pulled you into her arms. Although it was a nice gesture, they weren't big enough to really console you the way that you wanted. The arms you wanted were nowhere to be found, and it frightened you that it was a feeling you might have to get used to. What if he didn't want you anymore once you gained the weight and had the baby? What if the pressure was too much for him, and he bolted? What if he decided he was better off solo, as he'd done to his band at the height of their fame? You were beyond scared, and there was nothing that Sadie could ever say, no matter how heart warming they were, to make you feel any better. Only Tommy, and even then, you weren't sure you could believe him. Even if he said he wanted the baby, he could easily change his mind! It wasn't exactly unheard of for him. In fact, it was almost expected. You had never talked about having kids. In fact, you're pretty sure before today, you had never even mentioned a kid to him, other than the possible fan or brat you ran into at a grocery store or something. You had no idea how he would react, but you knew that he definitely had a say. The anger in his voice earlier made it clear he had wanted at least to put input his opinion, unfortunately you didn't know what that opinion was, or if it would be different with you. He was older now. Did that matter? You just didn't know.

Eventually your breathing calmed enough to realize that Sadie, at some point, had removed the bag from your death grip and taken out the test. How is she so calm? Your suppose it has to do with the fact that she's not the one whose possibly, more than likely, pregnant. You didn't know what you'd do if Sadie was pregnant, because you can't ever imagine her in this situation. Unless it was planned, and then of course, you would be happy for her. And you can face it, unexpected pregnancy could NEVER happen to Sadie. Gosh, you envied her.

"Want some water?" She speaks softly, as if she's afraid that you're going to jump into the deep end of the insanity pool at any moment.
Maybe she's right. Either way, you nod your head, any other time, you would have to pee like crazy, but at this moment, peeing was the
furtherest from your mind. At the doctors office, they made you drink practically a half gallon just so you could pee. Man, that hurt your
bladder. She stands up quickly to go to the kitchen to grab a cup, and all you can do is hope that there are some waters left. You don't
remember the last time you two went grocery shopping. It was definitely on your list of things to do now though, if you ever show your face in public again.

"Here you go." She smiles at you for a moment before looking down at her shoes. "I'm going to call Darius to tell him I'm not coming in. I'll be in the living room though if you need me. Alright?" She was scared. You could tell by the way she was nibbling on her lower lip. You wanted to tell her to go onto work, that you would be fine, but you couldn't even complete the thought, much less make it into a sentence.

"Alright." You return what you could only hope to be a resemblance of a smile as your close the door behind her before taking a large swig of the water, pretending it was tequila to calm your nerves. You could go for some alcohol right about now. You bet it would help you pee. Unfortunately the lack of flavor kills your not so vivid imagination of the forbidden drink quickly as the water doesn't even tingle your throat.

You can't help but wish that Tommy were with you right now. You can't even remember if you were suppose to go into work today, but you're sure he'll call you if it's important, aka, if Darius is on a rampage. You have a feeling, Darius will be on a rampage of avalanchic proportions if this test is positive. You could handle failing a school test, but this test got to you because you couldn't even decide which answer would really be failing, and what, if any, were the consequences of such results. There were too many unknowns in the equation for your likings, and suddenly you felt like you were in advanced algebra solving for the imaginary number Z. You never did understand how there were numbers that were imaginary! There were reasons you got a tutor. A very very hot tutor that you had many complications paying attention to any school topic that came out of his mouth. You never told anyone that though, because although he was younger than Tommy was, he was still, for all intents and purposes, your teacher, and you'd been scarred enough to know not to go down that road blindly. You never even kissed him, not even after you had to fire him because of Tommy's jealous rants about the time you spent with him. Given, you were with Tommy then, which was soo much better. Needless to say, you are very curious about what exactly his vocal coach did to help Tommy perfect those high notes, but you were equally sure you didn't want to know. There was only so much you could handle of Tommy's life in twenty four hours. It was weird to think of his life before he met you because you can barely remember your life, if you could call it that, before him. You were a no one. A shadow of Sadie at home and at school. A school where she claimed that you were a long lost cousin. No, you still hadn't forgotten about that. You'd always known that Sadie loved you, despite all evidence to the contrary at that point in your life, she looked out for you, as long as there wasn't a hott guy involved, AKA Tommy Quincy, aka teen heartthrob, AKA the love of your life. Wasn't it strange how he was something different to so many people? Even an ex husband! You just can't imagine Tommy married. Bad husband or not, you just can't see a wedding band on his finger.

After about twenty minutes of chugging down cup after cup of water, your bladder finally realizes that it's full, and you follow the instructions. Not that you read them. Pregnancy tests aren't a very difficult thing to figure out. Even if you hadn't taken one before, and you had. After washing your hands- twice- with nearly scolding hot water, you climb into the empty bathtub and pull the curtain closed.

You're sure more tears escaped, but you don't even feel them. You've become numb to the tears, and you don't know what to make of them. You don't know how to feel about any of this. Could you really raise a child? Could Tommy? Did you even want to? Abortion wasn't an option. You knew that. You'd been against it your entire life, and it would be a little hypocritical of you if you changed your mind now. Besides, you could never kill anything that Tommy made, whether it be a song or a baby, you would love it.

You can faintly hear footsteps before the bathroom door opens and the curtain is drawn back, revealing your crumpled form. You wish it was Tommy, but you knew it wasn't. His steps were much heavier, but you had hoped anyway. "Sweetie.." Sadie cooed softly, and it wasn't until then that you realized that she was holding your cell phone in her hand. "It's Tommy." She frowns, and you can tell she had no idea if you could talk to him right now or not. Honestly, you don't know either, but you're willing to try. You have to. You need to hear his voice. You need to imagine his arms around you, protecting you from everything that is hurtful in the world. You weakly nod as you outstretch your arm to grab the phone, and you're surprised how stiff you arm is. How long have you been sitting there? You didn't realize it'd been so long. That means the test was probably done by now. You wonder if Sadie looked. You doubt it. At least not yet. You're surprised she hadn't been back before now. Maybe she sensed you needed to think. You don't even know if you wanted her there. All you want is Tommy.

"Hey Tommy." You whisper hoarsely, and you wince at how strained your voice is. You're sure he did too.

"How are you, girl? I didn't want to wake you." You can feel your heart flutter at his words as a smile reigns over your face. He always knew how to make you smile. Not that it took a lot for him to do.

"I.. I don't feel so good." You frown as you glance down at your stomach that your other arm was laid across, almost in a protective manner. You don't even remember putting it there.

"Want me to come home?" You can tell he really wants to. He's just waiting for the word. But you can't make yourself say it. He already skipped out on them yesterday for you. You couldn't make him do it again, no matter how much you wanted him to. You would be alright as long as Sadie was there.

"No." You manage weakly as you shut your eyes tightly. "I'll just see you when you get home."

"Are you sure?" You wish he didn't ask that. You would have been able to let him go if he hadn't asked. You would have been able to pretend that he could wait. But he did ask you, and your heart sank.

"No." You whisper as you pull yourself into an upright sitting position, your eyes entranced by the handle that controlled the temperature of the water. You remember the first time you sat in this bath, you were with Tommy, in his arms, and you don't remember a time when you were quite so happy as you were that moment. It was your first night that you officially moved in with him, and you wanted to wash away the day's work, and he'd insisted he joined you, and you had no reason to deny him. It'd been such a long time since you bathed with him.

"Please come home, Tommy." You whisper before flipping the phone shut, not even giving him time to respond. You didn't have any more to say. Sadie was now on her knees on the floor facing you, and tears were welling in her eyes.

"It's going to be okay, Jude. Whatever happens, it'll all work out." You wanted so badly to believe her, but you just couldn't. Nothing ever just works out for you.

"Did.. Did you look?" You ask, not daring to even glance in the right direction.

She quickly shook her head no as she reached out for your hand, giving it a soft squeeze. "I thought you should know before I do, either way."

You nod, because it makes sense. Although you would rather her look and then tell you. You wanted to see her reaction. You wanted to know what you should think. It was just too confusing, because all you could think about is you pushing a little kid in that swing set in the backyard of that house. It was Tommy's fault!

"I.. I think I'm ready." You whisper as you use the side of the tub to pull yourself up to a standing position. You hear several bones pop,
but you ignore that. You don't want to know how long you'd been sitting there. You're sure far too long.

"I'm here." She smiled as you grab her hand to step out of the tub, for some reason afraid you'd slip even though you were completely dry, as was the floor. She didn't question you though, you suppose she might question your ability to stand when you look at the stick. You felt like you were in a dream. Something so humongous and life changing should not happen on such a casual day, such a casual setting. But it was happening, the pinch you gave your face proved that, well the pain of it, you suppose.

"I can't look at it." You turn towards Sadie in a desperate attempt to postpone the inevitable results.

"You're not alone, Jude." She smiles at you and runs her hand over your hair. She could be a mom. She had the nurturing touch. You were still the baby needing to be cuddled.

You tighten your grasp on her hand as you nod in slight agreement. You don't know if you believe her or not, but you know you have to try, for your sanity, as well as hers. You'd held off long enough. Finally ready to get it over with, you step towards the sink. Your eyes widen in shock at the results and suddenly everything turns black as your knees completely fail you.