"I'm sorry, what?" I blinked.
"I am going to set you up on a date with Hummel!"
"Santana, I don't mean to rain on your parade or anything, but that's not going to work!"
"And why not?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"Because Kurt's all..." I moved my hands around vaguely, "and I'm all..." I gestured to myself.
"Look, I'm one of Kurt's best friends. I know what he wants and I know how make you into that. You do want that, don't you?"
"Er-"
"Good," she cut me off. "So let's make you the man of Hummel's dreams."
"And how do we do that?" I asked.
"First of all, appearance. Could use a bit of tweaking. Your clothes are fine - you obviously don't shop for yourself - but they're just fine. We need you to look hot! Let me see what I'm working with," she muttered before she began circling me. She grabbed a hold of my shoulders and felt her way down my arms, squeezing in random places.
"You have good arms," she commented. "We'll need to show these off a little more." Her hands raised again and began at my chest, feeling their way down to my torso. I felt more than a little uncomfortable, but knew she'd probably stab me if I protested. "You actually have a pretty good body. Could use a little work here and there, but I can totally work with it. Okay, clothes will be sorted as soon as possible. Maybe we could get a little product for your hair. And that's pretty much all I can do appearance wise. Now you just need to know how to woo him."
"Woo him?" I chuckled, but immediately turned straight faced when Santana glared at me.
"Yes, big guy. You are going to woo him. Now Kurt likes romance. That's how Blaine got him. Blaine's the biggest asshole I've ever met, but he had Kurt eating out of his hands with a bit of romance! So I'm going to teach you how to be romantic!"
"You might want to know before hand that I suck at romance. I mean, I'm not sure if you know this, but there's not much practise a guy like me can get around here," I piped up.
"That's why I'm going to teach you! I know you're pathetic at romance. But it's a simple practise when you know what you're doing. Hm, now lets see what we can use for you." She placed a thumb and finger on her chin and tilted her head while she thought. "We're in glee club. You can sing to him!"
"Erm, Santana. Have you been to our school? It's full of homophobic pricks and judgemental douches. If I sing to Kurt, not only will it be outing me, but it will embarrass him!" I argued.
"No, see, you're going to do it subtly."
"Sing to him subtly?"
"Yeah. I can get him to come to glee practise some time and when you sing, just aim at him. Not too obviously, but enough that he notices. You could always do it when you're alone too."
"What, just whip out my guitar and start singing to him?"
"No!" She insisted. "Ask him to listen to something you've been working on. Something super romantic."
"I'm not sure this is going to work, Santana," I mumbled.
"Yes it will! Just stick with the plan. Now I'm going to get some new wears in for you and in the mean time just hang out with him as much as possible, compliment him, romantic gestures, blah blah blah."
"That all sounds great, but I don't exactly have the money for 'some new wears' at the moment," I admitted.
"Not a worry! I will buy them all and get them to you buy the end of this week!"
"I can't expect you to buy me clothes..." I began, but she cut me off.
"No, no, no, don't even start that. Daddy's credit card will be buying your clothes! And it's technically for Kurt, not you. So deal with it."
"Fine."
"Good. Now we need to choose a song for next week so I can kick you out and call Brit!"
I tilted my head a little as I thought, and suddenly an idea popped into my head.
"I think I have the perfect song!"
"So, how was school today?" Tina asked on the phone later that night.
"It was okay. Lessons sucked on my own, but Kurt came and sat with me at lunch," I replied. "Oh that reminds me. I have to tell you about Santana!"
"Santana?"
"Yeah. You know I went to hers after school to pick out a song?" I heard Tina hum an affirmative. "Well she kind of accidentally found out my secret."
"What!?"
"But! There's a but. She's not going to tell anyone. We came to an agreement. She has a plan that involves me as well as benefits me!"
"Explain, Karofsky!"
So I explained about Santana being annoyed at Kurt's ex, how she hated seeing him upset and wanted him distracted. Then I briefed her on the entire plan. I managed to do so without revealing Santana's secret too. I trusted Tina with my life, but a promise is a promise and I swore I would not tell anyone.
"So let me get this straight. Santana is helping you date Kurt? And how is she reaping the benefits?"
"Her best friend is going to be happy. I understand why she's doing it."
"So, you're going along with the plan?"
"T, of course I am. Wouldn't you if it were Mike?"
"I guess so," she mumbled. "As long as you don't come out of this heartbroken."
"Don't worry. I'm prepared for whatever comes out of this!"
"Good. I'm in then."
"You are?"
"Dave. Of course I'm going to hep you with a guy you've been crushing on forever! I'd be a terrible best friend if I didn't! And I also have a plan."
"A plan, huh?" I asked.
"Yeah, when we all go out to Red's next Friday night, why don't you invite him along? Score yourself some brownie points!"
"Wait! When did we plan on going to Red's?"
Red's was the newest and hottest teen club around. Cheerios and jocks went to Red's. It was nearly always full and you normally had to know someone pretty high up to get in.
"One of Rachel's dads knows the manager and he can get us all in for free. As many tickets as we want. You in?"
"Sure. See what all the fuss is about!"
"Just don't forget to invite Kurt. It'll give you chance to spend time with him. And where better to spend time with him than at a club!" Tina insisted.
"That sounds great Tina! And we'll make some plans for getting there and back tomorrow at school."
"Okay, lover boy. Operation: Woo Kurt is a go!"