Chapter XI: Hoarders Anonymous Trollville

A/N: Bramble inspired by notbecauseofvictories on Tumblr for her Angel Coulby photo set. Special thanks to The Hobbit Movies on Google+ recommended by for transcripts for the films.

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Gandalf freed those on the spit after putting the fire out. As he began cutting Dwarves out sacks, he said, "Bramble, what are you doing with your face in the ground?"

"Digging my way to freedom," Bramble said dryly. She turned her head towards the wizard. "I think the trolls pulled my arms out of their sockets."

Bofur came over and cut Bramble out of her sack. He sat her up with care. "Óin, have a look."

Thorin came over and put one hand on Bramble's right shoulder and another around her arm. "What you did was very clever, Baggins."

"Thanks, but all I did was ARRRRRRRG!" Thorin had popped her right arm back in her socket. "WHAT BY ALL THE MUSHROOMS IN THE SHIRE WHAT WAS THAT?"

"You couldn't tense up when I did that," Thorin said. He patted her left shoulder. "I won't do it again. Óin needs to look you over."

Bramble groaned and began to relax. "Thank you. That was unpleasant to ARRRRRRRG!" He had popped her left arm back in place.

"I didn't do it to your right arm again and Óin does need to look at it," Thorin said. He rubbed between her shoulder blades for a moment. "Good Hobbit. Stay out of trouble while I talk with the wizard."

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Something in Thorin's chest felt… odd. He had been worried about the Hobbit. He had probably been worried too much about her, seeing as she was nothing but trouble and had nearly gotten the entire Company killed.

Thorin walked over to Gandalf as he examined the stone trolls. "Where did you go?"

"To look ahead."

"What brought you back?"

"Looking behind. Nasty business. Still, they're all in one piece and the Rangers will have one less thing to do."

"No thanks to your professor," Thorin said.

"She had the nerves to play for time. None of the rest of you thought of that and she did it while she was injured," Gandalf said.

Thorin looked back at the Hobbit. Bofur brushed dirt off her nose and told Bramble a joke that made her laugh. She seemed to already be back to her normal self.

"They must have come down from the Ettenmoors of Tennessee," Gandalf said, breaking Thorin's watch of Bramble.

"Since when do mountain trolls venture this far north?" Thorin asked.

"Oh, not for an age, not since a darker power ruled these lands."

Thorin felt a sudden cold wash over him.

"They could not have moved in true daylight," Gandalf said.

"There must be a cave nearby," Thorin said, "Dís, get the car running. Balin, Óin, Fíli, Kíli, and Baggins stay behind. Everyone else, with me."

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Bramble was glad that she did not have to go get any parts for Dís. She still shook from the trolls. Óin had declared her physically fine even after Thorin's rough handling of her. Bofur's good humor had been a great help to her, but now she felt cold, tired, and hungry. But not Spam. Anything but Spam.

"My children put you up to it," Dís stated from where she knelt next to the Impala.

"My actions are my own," Bramble said.

"Good. At least one of the three of you is responsible for your choices. I am going to kick their butts all the way back to New York if they keep acting up and doing such idiotic things," Dís said.

"They may be impulsive, but they certainly do want to help people," Bramble said.

"And that is why I am not in despair of them… well, going like the rest of the family," Dís said.

"Thorin seems to be doing alright. He's just a bit grumpy," Bramble said.

"That is a Dwarf trait, professor," Dís said, "I'm grumpy too, just not as bad. Unlike my brother, I actually remember to eat three meals a day."

"Three? Oh, right. Hobbits eat seven," Bramble said, "I'm sorry. My brain is a bit scattered."

"Seven?" the Dwarves said at the same time.

Before Bramble could answer, the search group had returned. Thorin had a sword strapped to his back while Gandalf held a sword in one hand and a long knife in the other.

"I feel the need to drown myself in soap," Dori said.

"It did smell awful there," Ori said.

"I have never seen that much junk in one place," Bombur said.

"At least we have that little… deposit," Glóin said.

"Is there a hoarders anonymous for trolls?" Bofur asked, "Maybe a Hoarders Anonymous Trollville so it could be called HAT."

"Ooooooh. Shiny sword, Thorin," Dís said.

"I'm not giving it to you," Thorin said.

Dís pouted. "You are a terrible big brother."

Thorin rolled his eyes at Dís before focusing on the Hobbit. "Baggins! Where are your boots?"

"Oh, right. I took them off to sneak into the camp," Bramble said.

"Fíli! Fetch them. We don't want to deal with a burglar with bleeding feet along with the rest of this mess," Thorin said. He stood in front of Bramble and glared at her. "You are permitted one stupid action on this quest. In your case, it will be sneaking into a dragon's lair where the dragon may or may not be dead. Running off to steal from trolls is not your decision to make. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," Bramble said, "So, does that mean your stupid action was putting down your weapons for one Hobbit?"

"You, Professor Baggins, are a part of my Company. That means we will get you out of whatever trouble you get into," Thorin said. After a moment of silence, he changed topics. "Do you know how to shoot a gun?"

"Only point at something you are willing to kill, they're loud, there's a recoil and… that is about it," Bramble said.

"Well, I have dealt with people who knew less," Thorin said.

He grabbed Bramble's arm and pulled her towards the trees. They stopped at the edge of the clearing where Thorin let Bramble go. "We don't have time for a proper lesson or even how to load a weapon." He pulled out his gun. "This is a Glock 17 with 9mm rounds. This is how you hold the gun. Make sure you are not locked into position. This is how you take off the safety. This is how you turn it on again. Make sure your thumbs are like this or else they will be chopped off. You press here and boom. There will be recoil. The shot will be much louder than in the movies. Your turn. Don't actually shoot it."

The Hobbit repeated what the Dwarf had done three times. Thorin handed her his sunglasses. "This is not ideal and your ears will be ringing, but you need to know about the recoil. Try to hit the tree a few feet in front of you. There are three bullets left in there. Shoot them all."

He took several steps back. "Go."

Bramble did as she was told and felt sick from the moment she fired the first bullet. Her ears rang as the first casing hit Thorin's sunglasses. Bramble's hands became numb from the vibrations of the gun. It jerked around more than she expected. There was something else entirely disturbing about the weapon she held in her hand.

She put the gun's safety back on and took several steps back until she bumped into Thorin. He took the gun and reloaded it. Thorin pulled off the gun's holster from his belt and put it on the waistband of Bramble's jeans, his fingers brushing against her skin for a moment. "At least you hit the tree. Keep that on you at all times. Remember: do not close your eyes. If you don't keep them open, you may hit an ally."

Bramble nodded. Thorin patted her shoulder. "Next shooting range, you're trying out all of the guns we have so you know what to do in an emergency." He went back to his sister and discussed how badly the Impala was damaged.

Gandalf gently pulled Bramble away to present to her the short sword he had. "I thought this might be more your size."

"I can't take this," Bramble asked.

"The blade is of Elvish make which means it will glow blue when orcs or goblins are nearby," Gandalf said.

"I don't… I didn't like it. The gun," Bramble said, "I feel so cold using it."

Gandalf nodded. "There is only one purpose for a gun and that is to kill. With swords or archery, there is an art to it that can be used for beauty. Axes are used to cut down trees to build warm hearths. A sword is not as clumsy or random as a gun: an elegant weapon for a more civilized age."

"Don't you dare go all Obi-Wan Kenobi on me," Bramble said as she smiled.

"I hope you never have to use it, my dear. If you do use the sword, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one," Gandalf said.

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Fíli sighed in relief when she heard that the Impala was in good enough shape to drive. The trunk would have to be duct taped down until they got to Rivendell, but Dís believed a replacement could be found.

"Good. I was worried Minty might have been permanently damaged," Thorin said.

"Minty?" Bramble said.

"The car is always a girl and the car always names herself," Thorin said, "At least it's a car and not a bicycle named Myrtle."

They started the car and get it back with the rest of the caravan. As they were about to leave the place entirely, they heard a loud engine coming from the direction of Rivendell.

"Thieves! Fire! Murder!" a hippie in all brown screamed from his motorized bicycle.

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A/N: A friendly reminder that one should not give out guns willy-nilly, but this is a story with trolls so anyone can get a gun anytime they want.