The American Gothic Vortex
Chapter 11, the Ramification Excitation
Amy watched the data from the monkeys' biometric devices stream across the computer monitor as she talked into her cell phone. "That sounds so romantic, MeMaw. Hold on one second. Mommy's on the phone! Zip it, or your next cup of coffee will be decaf! [Pause] Oh, nothing. We've addicted Capuchin monkeys to caffeine, and they get a little cranked up between doses. So you and Sung Duk are having a wonderful time? [Pause] Skeet shooting off the ship? I didn't know you could do that. [Pause] Oh, wow, so he wanted to learn how to shoot a shotgun. How did that go? [Pause] Oh, I'm sorry. How long does it take a fractured shoulder to heal? [Pause] Well, at least you'll have the week on the beach. Hold on. Don't smear that on my clean worktable! Fling that at me again and actually hit me, and I'll give you a facial with it! [Pause] Sheldon? No, I've kept the new look. Sheldon has been conspicuously silent about the change, but, actually, I think he likes it. I know I do. I keep finding him looking at me and then turning his head so I won't see, and I'm even having men hit on me: I know how Penny feels. [Pause] Oh, you go ahead. We'll talk later."
Amy had just put down her phone when it rang. "Oh, hi, Penny. [Pause] This is actually a good time. I've been here since 4:00 a.m. Maggie's going to relieve me in a couple of minutes, and I'll have the rest of the day. I was hoping I could hang with you and Emily, since this is your day off Nerds. I was just talking to MeMaw, but she had to go because Sung Duk had an appointment with the ship's doctor, and the nurse called them into the exam room. [Pause] I'll tell you later when I see you: It's funny and sad at the same time. [Pause] Hold on: That's it, no mid-morning Red Bull! [Primate chattering in the background] I don't want to hear it! I'm back. [Pause] You have something to tell me? It sounds mysterious. I know: You're going to be in a romantic comedy with Zack Efron. [Pause] Better? What could be better than Zack Efron? That hunk off True Blood, Joe Manganiello? [Pause] What does 'crap-your-pants-worthy' mean? [Pause] Sheldon? What about Sheldon? [Pause] All right, I'll meet you there. I can't wait to hear."
Maggie came up behind Amy and asked, "Hi, Ames: Anything I need to know?"
Amy said, "John Boehner and Barack Obama over there have been throwing their poop at each other all morning. Maybe we shouldn't have named the monkeys after politicians. Monkeys usually have more sense than politicians do. The ones we've named after serial killers are so much better behaved. Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy over there have been sitting back laughing at them. All right, you monkeys, Maggie's in charge now. Maybe she can make you happy."
As Amy was walking toward the locker room, a wad of something smelly and disgusting smacked her in the back of the head and ran down into her collar. She turned and said, "It's on now, bitch!"
Half an hour later, Amy stood in front of the mirror in the female staff shower area towel drying her hair.
Lashunda, the security guard for that area, handed Amy another towel. She said, "I think you finally got all of it out of your hair. Take your time getting dressed. It's a good thing all of you keep outfit changes here. I'm sorry I have to escort you off the property."
Amy said, "I don't know why security had to get involved. I wouldn't have put my hands on John Boehner; I just wanted to talk to him. I would never abuse an animal."
"That monkey is a little prick," Lashunda said. "I can't tell you the number of times he has thrown his poop at me. I caught him peeing in Magee's coffee the other day."
"Well, a one-week suspension seems a bit over-the-top to me," Amy said. "At least, that will give me more time to spend with my boyfriend and my bestie."
#
Penny finished loading Emily's bag and carrier into her SUV. She double-checked the harness holding in the car seat the way the people at the child seat safety class had shown her. After moving the car to the edge of the yard, she walked up the path to where Wyatt and Emily were watching Wyatt's goats and his dog Sam.
"Hi, Slugger," Wyatt said as Penny approached them. "Emily has been fascinated watching the younger goats over there romp. Karen left the truck she used to carry in the hay inside the fence, and every time one of the goats climbs up to the top of it, Emily cackles. For some reason, that just tickles her funny bone."
Emily looked up at her grandfather and smiled.
"Hi, Penny," Patti said as she waddled up to them.
"Patti, you're the most beautiful I've ever seen you-and that's saying something," Penny said.
"I don't feel pretty," Patti said. "I keep asking the doctor if he's sure I'm not having quadruplets. He assures me it's only one."
"Well, you look great," Penny said. "You're in the home stretch."
"Don't say stretch," Wyatt laughed.
Penny and Patti turned and gave Wyatt "the look."
Wyatt said, "Patti, you've learned that look from Penny and Emily."
"It works," Patti said.
"Aren't you going into work today?" Penny asked.
Patti said, "I'm taking some comp time this morning. I had to stay in court on my day off, so I'm taking a couple of hours now. Oh, by the way, this came for you." She held up a Federal Express package.
Penny saw the return address on the package and said, "That's a collection of videos and CDs the production company sent over. I'm talking with the studio about playing someone you knew, Daddy."
"Who?" Wyatt asked.
"Mary Travers," Penny said.
"Of Peter, Paul and Mary?" Patti asked.
"The same," Wyatt said. "She was such a lovely person and a great singer. She was a dear, dear soul. I really miss her. You'll be singing?"
"It's not a done deal that I'll be in the role," Penny said. "They want me to watch the videos and then, on Wednesday, after I'm through with the table read for Nerds, I'll meet with them and talk about it. They would prefer if I could sing myself, but, if they have to, they might get someone else to sing and let me lip sync. If we think I'm going to take the role, they'll have me work with a vocal coach. They said they're including the sheet music so I can learn the words. They have two songs they want me prepared to sing for them."
Wyatt said, "I wouldn't mind seeing the videos. I probably already have everything on the CDs, although what I have is on vinyl LPs."
"We can get together later if you have time. Feel free to open the package and watch what to your heart's content," Penny said.
"Why don't I put the package on your kitchen table, if you're on your way out with Emily," Patti said.
"Slugger, do I need to go with you and Emily wherever you're going?" Wyatt asked.
"Thank you, Daddy, but we're going to the university to meet Leonard, aren't we Princess?"
Patti caressed Emily's cheek. She said, "Emily, I know you'll take great care of your mommy. You know, I can't wait for you to meet your uncle when he comes to live with us."
Emily grinned at Patti, kicked, cooed, and made spit bubbles.
#
Leonard, Andrew, and Daniel stood looking at the display on the computer screen.
"I don't think you could ask for more support than that," Andrew said. "P less than 0.000001 with a base rate of one in 100,000 is pretty darned statistically significant. It didn't hurt that you gave me multiple samples."
Daniel looked at Leonard and asked, "How do you think he'll react?"
"He's rather difficult to predict," Leonard said. "You've already seen that he's not the warmest and fuzziest person around. If it were me, I would be thrilled, although I wouldn't like facing Penny and explaining why I didn't tell her I had sold my sperm to the bank. Him, though, I'm just not sure. I already have Penny working on his girlfriend, so she'll be on board."
Andrew printed out the results and emailed a pdf copy to Daniel.
Daniel and Leonard took the elevator to the fourth floor where the Physics Department was. As they got off the elevator, Daniel said, "You know, I'm having second thoughts. Maybe I need to reconsider this."
"Oh, hi, Penny, Amy," Leonard said as they walked into his office. He took Emily from Penny and said, "Come here, Squirt Blossom." Emily smiled, squealed, and kicked as she went to Leonard. "See, Daniel? Penny thinks so much of you that she used her day off from Nerds to bring Emily so they could support you. This is Sheldon's girlfriend Amy. Amy, this is Daniel. I assume Penny told you?"
"Yes, just now," Amy said. "I'm puzzled, though. Daniel, how did you originally find out?"
Daniel said, "May I tell you something that is not to leave this room?"
Amy and Penny both agreed.
"I hacked into the records," Daniel said. "You can't tell anyone. It was wildly illegal."
Amy came over, put her arms around Daniel, and said, "Daniel, I am thrilled for you."
"So you're all right with it?" Daniel asked.
"Of course," Amy said.
Penny came up on the other side, put her arm around Daniel, kissed him on the cheek, and said, "Daniel, as I told you last night, this is a good thing. We'll be there with you."
"What if he doesn't want anything to do with me?" Daniel said.
"He may be a pill at first, but Amy and I will straighten him out," Penny said.
Leonard called Sheldon. "Hi, Sheldon," he said. "Penny and Amy came by with Emily. We're on our way to your office. [Pause] OK, we'll see you in a couple of minutes."
The five made their way to the theoretical physics offices on the other side of the floor. Leonard knocked on Sheldon's door.
"Come," Sheldon said. He had his back to them and was studying over some figures on his white board.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me," Daniel recited.
"What is that?" Penny asked.
"It's the Litany against Fear from the Dune novels," Leonard said. "You know, I gave you my copy of the first novel in the series."
"Oh, right," Penny said. "I haven't had time to read it. Well, I read the first couple of chapters and got bored. I'll pick it up again. Maybe I need to download it for my iPad or my Nook. I've been reading Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series that Bernadette told me about."
The group walked into Sheldon's office.
Amy went over to Sheldon. The two kissed per the relationship agreement.
"Sheldon," Amy said, "You've met Daniel. I just met him and found him to be a delightful young man."
Sheldon did not acknowledge Daniel's presence.
Amy looked at Leonard.
Leonard said, "Sheldon, Daniel has something important to tell you."
"Another award, I suppose," Sheldon said, with his back to Daniel. "Perhaps I was premature with Dennis Kim. Maybe the Oracle said little Daniel was the One."
Penny walked up and asked Daniel, "Sweetie, do you want me to tell him?"
"No," Daniel said. "Thank you, Penny, but I'll do it. Dr. Cooper, I'm your son."
Sheldon, who had just taken a large drink of grape soda, began strangling on it. Penny slapped his back, and Amy grabbed some paper towels from the stack on Sheldon's desk and helped him staunch the flow of grape soda as it came out of his nose.
Sheldon looked at Leonard, who said, "It's true, Sheldon. We have the proof right here."
Sheldon turned to Daniel with a wild expression on his face and gasped, "How? I've never-you know."
"Tell me about it," Amy said.
"But you have given samples to the High IQ Sperm Bank since you were 18," Daniel said. "According to their records, my mom was artificially inseminated with your sperm."
"But those records are protected," Sheldon said. He sat on the edge of his desk. "I don't feel well."
Plop! Sheldon fainted, knocking his grape soda to the floor.
Penny grabbed a paper cup from the shelf and ran to the water fountain near the restrooms. She returned to the office and handed Amy the cup as Leonard held Emily in one arm and laid out paper towels over the spilled soda on the tile floor with the other hand. Amy held Sheldon in a sitting position.
"How?" Sheldon sputtered.
"It's a long story how I found out," Daniel said. "To make sure, we got a couple of DNA samples from you and ran a paternity test. The odds are greater than a million to one that you're my father."
Sheldon just stared at Daniel.
Penny said, "Sheldon, sweetie, just look at Daniel. He's only 13 and already almost six feet tall, he has your coloring and hair, and he's brilliant. He's like a young, infinitely less obnoxious you. Anyone would be proud to have him as their son. I know I would."
Sheldon looked at Amy, who smiled at him and said, "Sheldon, you're a father, just like Leonard."
Plop! Sheldon fainted again.
#
Sheldon sat on the floor with his back to the wall breathing into a paper bag. From time to time, he put his head between his legs. Given the gravity of the event, he had Penny go get him a chocolate Yoohoo from the cafeteria and from time to time took a sip. He had his and Daniel's paternity test results in his lap. He picked them up and read them over once again. "The numbers are all there," he said. "How did you get access to the sperm bank records?"
"It's a long story," Daniel said. "You can't tell anyone, but I hacked into the High IQ Sperm Bank records and found out which sperm sample my mom used. You're the reason I decided to come to graduate school here in physics rather than attend Julliard and study strings."
Sheldon looked at the numbers one more time.
"What do you want from me?" he asked.
"All I want is to get to know my father," Daniel said. "I don't want anything else. I grew up in a house with two women, one who is a musician and the other runs small businesses. They are wonderful moms, and I've never doubted for one moment that they love me, but I've always felt as if half of who I am was missing. Maybe we can spend some time together. You can teach me how to bait a hook or throw a football."
Everyone turned toward Daniel. "Sure, he can," Leonard said. "You'll be better off with Penny."
Penny knelt next to Sheldon, hugged him, and said, "Sheldon, listen to me. This is a good thing. You have a wonderful son. It's a time to be happy."
#
Amy spoke into her phone, "No, Mrs. Cooper, we did not sin. When Sheldon was younger, he sold his sperm to the sperm bank for people with high IQs so he could pay for the things his grant didn't cover. He did a good thing. He helped people who couldn't have babies get pregnant. [Pause] I'm not sure: What's the Sin of Onan? [Pause] Really? Oh, I guess he did do that. [Pause] No, he's standing here next to me. [Pause] His name is Daniel. [Pause] Oh, all right. Sheldon, she wants to talk to you." She handed the phone to Sheldon.
"Hi, Mom," Sheldon said. "Yes, I did spill my seed on the ground, or, in this case, into a sterile container. [Pause] No, mom, I just met him." He handed the phone to Daniel and said, "She wants to talk to you."
"Uh, hello," Daniel said. "Yes, ma'am, Daniel Harris-Takahashi. [Pause] No ma'am, my birth mother is Cynthia Harris. [Pause] No, ma'am, and we say Japanese, not what you said. That's my other mom's name. [Pause] No, ma'am, my birth mother had me and then my other mom adopted me when I was about a year old when they formed a civil union. [Pause] Yes, ma'am, the love that dares not speak its name. [Pause] Yes, something like a turkey baster. [Pause] Am I what? Saved? Saved from what? [Pause] I don't understand. [Pause] No, ma'am, we're Unitarian." He held the phone away from his ear as the others heard Mary Cooper yelling about Unitarians and ever-lasting hellfire. He looked at the others and said, "I don't think she liked that. What? [Pause] Yes, ma'am." He handed the phone back to Sheldon. "She wants to talk to you again."
"Hi, Mom. [Pause] No, that's unnecessary. [Pause] No, Mom. It's not a good time. The University started back this week, so it's a busy time. [Pause] All right, if you must. Just let me know, and I'll get someone to come get you. [Pause] All right. [Pause] Sure: Go have your prayer group pray for me. [Pause] Yes, Mom, I'll go wash my hands, and I won't spill my seed anymore. Bye, Mom." He turned to the others and said, "She's coming. Just what I need. She's going to contact MeMaw on her honeymoon cruise."
Daniel asked, "My grandmother's coming? Mary Cooper, member of the Sword of Joshua Independent Holiness Assembly of Jasper, Texas? Should I be scared?"
"Not as scared as you should be that I'm here," a petite woman with light brown hair said from the doorway.
"Mom!" Daniel said. "What are you doing here?"
#
"Mom, let me explain," Daniel said.
"Kiko called me from Asheville just as we ended rehearsal," Daniel's mom said. "She was packing up your papers to send to you and ran across a folder in which the printouts said Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, currently Professor of Theoretical Physics at the California Institute of Technology, donated the sperm that led to my getting pregnant with you. That's why you decided to come to Caltech, isn't it?"
"Yes, ma'am," Daniel said.
"You did some illegal hacking again, didn't you?" she said.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Say goodbye to these people," Ms. Harris said. "We're going to pack up and go back to North Carolina."
"But Mom," Daniel said.
"Don't 'but Mom' me, young man."
"Ms. Harris," Penny said, "I'm Penny Hofstadter. This is my husband Leonard, who is Daniel's program director here at Caltech. Daniel is a wonderful young man. You can be proud of the job you have done raising him. He has already fit in with Leonard's team and is well on the way to getting started. He has even made friends with my daughter Emily here. Before you make a decision, would you at least let Leonard and me have the chance to sell you on his staying?"
"I don't know," Ms. Harris said, looking at Daniel. "Of course, I know who you and Dr. Hofstadter are. I've watched both your shows and all of your movies, and I am well aware of Dr. Hofstadter's recently winning the Nobel Prize. Daniel sold me on this move because he would get to work with a scientist of Dr. Hofstadter's reputation."
Amy said, "Ms. Harris, I'm Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, Dr. Cooper's girlfriend. I don't want to interfere with your business, but may I suggest that we have lunch and give you a chance to calmly discuss the situation with Daniel and Sheldon?"
"This is none of Dr. Cooper's business," Ms. Harris said. "He signed away all rights to Daniel and anyone else he fathered when he sold his sperm. What is your role in all of this?" she asked, looking at Sheldon.
Sheldon said, "Ms. Harris, I had no inkling that Daniel is my son until about an hour ago. I assure you, I am not making any claim on him."
"Darned straight, you're not," Ms. Harris said.
Penny said, "Ms. Harris, why don't we move this to Sheldon's apartment? Leonard and I can stop off at the Cheesecake Factory and bring takeout for lunch. If Dr. Cooper doesn't have a menu here in his office, I know Leonard does in his. That would give you and Daniel more privacy. Maybe we can talk you into staying and our having an impromptu dinner at our house tonight."
"I don't suppose it would hurt anything to get something to eat," Ms. Harris said. She turned back to Daniel and said, "You're still not off the hook, young man."
"Yes, ma'am," Daniel said.
#
MeMaw helped Sung Suk down the steps at Cabo San Lucas.
The cruise line had arranged for a shuttle to take them to the airport.
"Mr. Yun, Mrs. Yun," the cruise line representative said, "Again, I want to apologize on behalf of the cruise line for Mr. Yun's injury. The skeet shooting coach should have verified that Mr. Yun had never fired a shotgun before-and certainly should have told him not to pull both triggers at the same time. We have arranged for a flight to Los Angeles for the two of you so he can see a specialist-all at our expense, of course. And, as we've already told you, we will comp this trip and arrange for you to have another trip-on us."
"I'm so sorry I have put what you call a Phillips screwdriver in our plans," Sung Duk said to MeMaw. "If I'm going to take six to eight weeks to heal, that's going to mean we can't do all the things we had planned."
"Sweetheart, don't worry about it," MeMaw said. "The important thing is that we're together. We can go scuba diving and paragliding another time."
MeMaw's phone rang. "Hello? Mary? Slow down: I can't understand you. [Pause] What about Sheldon, the Sin of Onan, Unitarians, and hellfire? You're talking so fast everything's running together. [Pause] Who fathered a child? [Pause] Sheldon who? [Pause] My Sheldon? You're kidding. [Pause] Who's the mother? [Pause] Okay, tell you what. Why don't you calm down, take a drink from that bottle you keep on the floor behind your headboard that you think no one knows about, and call me back. Maybe you'll make more sense. I have to take another call anyway. [Pause] Sure. Hello? Oh, hello, Amy. Have you talked to Mary? She just called me ranting about something about Sheldon fathering a baby. Do you know what she's talking about? [Pause] Seriously? [Pause] Oh, he didn't have to do that. If he had told me he needed money, I would have helped him. [Pause] 13? [Pause] So his mother's Japanese? [Pause] All right, I need to know a lot more." She turned to Sung Duk and said, "Sheldon evidently has a son with a Japanese woman. Yes, I'm still here. [Pause] Where does he live? [Pause] He's on the way to Sheldon's apartment right now?"
#
Leonard and Raj carried the folding chairs up the stairs with the help of the building super.
"Mr. Ramirez, thanks for loaning us the chairs," Leonard said.
"No problem," Mr. Ramirez said. "It's still strange to me that Dr. Cooper threw away that perfectly good sofa you guys had when you lived here."
Leonard said, "Penny and I have taken him all over the area looking for a new one, but he's pulling this Princess and the Pea number and finds something wrong with every one."
"What was it Penny called him?" Mr. Ramirez said, "Snickerdoodle?"
"Wackadoodle," Leonard said.
"The guy is one charcoal briquette short of a barbecue," Cal said.
They opened the door to the apartment and set up the chairs.
Cynthia Harris looked around the apartment. "Dr. Cooper, I assume you are the one who collects all the science fiction posters and action figures?"
"All right," Sheldon said.
"To be honest," Ms. Harris said, "this apartment looks like a larger version of Daniel's room." She saw the Meela action figure from the Sixth Element and said, "Ms. Hofstadter, I don't usually enjoy science fiction, but I enjoyed you in that role. Daniel dragged Kiko and me to the Fifth Element, which I never understood, but yours was much better."
"It was a lot of fun," Penny said. "I'm working with my trainer now and will begin shooting the next one in a few weeks. If Daniel has a little sister, she might want to come be my guest when the Princess and the Pea debuts in a few weeks. I did the voice of Princess Stephanie for Disney-Pixar."
"No, it's just Daniel, Kiko, and me," Cynthia said.
Alex and Amy unpacked the take-out boxes from the Cheesecake Factory. "Everyone help yourselves. The people at the Cheesecake Factory wrote names on the burger wrappers. They gave us tons of fries and pickles."
Penny walked over to where Emily sat in her carrier staring at Sheldon, Daniel, and Cynthia. "You wanna come to Mommy?" Penny said to Emily.
Emily continued to watch Sheldon, Daniel, and Cynthia.
Penny said, "I think I just got the brush-off from a four-month-old."
Alex was watching Emily. She said, "I think she is fascinated with what is going on here. Of course, she doesn't understand it, but she has been watching them as if she's studying them."
Penny brought her burger, fries, and Diet Dr. Pepper over to where the others were sitting. She placed Emily in her carrier on the stuffed chair where Leonard usually sat. She said, "Ms. Harris, I assure you that Daniel is in great hands here. Of course, I would never interfere in what happens between a parent and their child, but I think that Alex here would tell you that my husband provides a very nurturing environment in which Daniel can learn and be surrounded by people who are working toward the same thing. We love having them at our ranch, and they are part of our daughter's extended family."
Alex said, "Ms. Harris, I don't want to embarrass Dr. Hofstadter, but, if it weren't for him, I would still be struggling to complete my dissertation, and I certainly wouldn't be co-recipient of the Nobel Prize."
"Alex," Leonard said, "You were the best student I have ever taught. You did it all yourself. All I did was remove some of the red tape that had nothing to do with what you had learned or your research. As far as the Nobel Prize goes, you absolutely deserved it."
"Cynthia-may I call you Cynthia?" Alex said. "I assure you that Daniel could not be in a better place to pursue his studies. We are a team. We all look out for each other. Daniel will be where he'll be able to thrive academically, and he will know what he does is appreciated."
Cynthia said, "Dr. Hofstadter, Mrs. Hofstadter, I don't mean to cast aspersions against the two of you personally-or the members of your team. I hope you understand that, with the prospect of Daniel being 3,000 miles away, I'm more than a little uneasy about Daniel coming all the way across the country chasing someone whose only involvement in his life was half an hour in a little room with a dirty magazine and a sterile container."
"It always took much longer than half an hour," Sheldon said. "I had to take medication, since I am not ordinarily plagued with sexual urges."
"Ms. Harris, please call us Leonard and Penny," Leonard said. "Alex will back me up that Penny and I maintain a very close relationship with all of our team members, even if they leave and move on to other places. Daniel will get the opportunity to travel to Switzerland several times a year; we'll sometimes have work sessions into the night, especially given the nine-hour time difference between Pasadena and Geneva: He's going to be pretty busy."
"Everyone, please call me Cynthia," Cynthia said. "Leonard, I can see that you and Penny have a loving family, and I'm sure you will look after my son. I hope you can understand that, all of Daniel's life, I have accepted that his father would never be in the picture. Now, here's his father. I'm just not prepared for this."
"Tell me about it," Sheldon said.
Daniel hung his head and said, "All right. I give up. Obviously, Dr. Cooper is not interested in knowing me. I didn't mean to stir up all this trouble. I'll go back to Asheville and, when Julliard starts the spring term in a couple of weeks, I'll go there and study strings."
"I can't let you do that," Sheldon said. "If you have the intelligence to study physics-even if it is only experimental physics-I could never forgive myself if you squandered your gift on something as meaningless as the arts."
"Cynthia," Amy said, "now that the cat is out of the bag and Sheldon and Daniel have met each other, I wonder if taking them away from each other is the best thing for either of them. No one is going to take your place. Daniel's getting to know Sheldon isn't going to take anything away from you or his other mother. I have known both of my biological parents all of my life, but I think I can understand how I might feel if one of my parents was out there and I had never met them."
"I suppose," Cynthia said.