Ravenna was dozing on the couch by the cold fireplace. A soft tap at the door startled her awake. It was dusk outside, she'd been here all day. She tried to clear the sleep from her eyes and called, "Come in." She cast about the room, looking for Ragnar, but she remembered that he hadn't come back to the room with her. She hoped he wasn't causing trouble, wherever he was.
Alistair hesitantly entered the room. For a moment, she was simply glad to see him. That small spark of happiness died when she saw his face and posture. She smiled a little for him anyway. "I wondered when I'd see you. Come sit with me?" she tried to keep her tone light.
Instead of taking the offered seat beside her, he stood by the window, nearly with his back to her, "I thought you might have had company again, so I waited. But it's getting late, so I guess you must have taken care of that earlier." He hated how bitter he sounded, especially since he was doing his best to sound stoic and emotionless. No help for it, and besides, she probably would have known how he felt anyway. It was uncanny how Ravenna seemed able to read his mind
She was puzzled for a moment, then she remembered that he'd seen Zevran kiss her. Perhaps he caught a few words of their conversation as well. And still, he doesn't trust me enough to ask a sodding question before he condemns me, she thought angrily. "Maker's blood, Alistair. I assume you mean Zev? If you're going to call me a cheat then just sodding do it!"
"You admit it then? I know you've been through hell, Ravenna. But how is it that you can't stand to let me kiss you, yet you can fuck him behind my back?"
"No." Ravenna growled, she was furious. She didn't want to say anything to him right now.
Alistair blinked, "No, what?"
She gritted her teeth, "No, I don't admit anything. Nothing happened between Zev and I. We talked yesterday, on the wall. He held me for a moment, to offer comfort. You saw him kiss me, maybe you heard half of something he was saying. The kiss was chaste, my brother could have kissed me like that in front of the Landsmeet and not raised an eyebrow. He said he was going to bring my arms and armor to my room, that it would be here waiting for me when I was ready for it." She stared, daring him to call her 'liar'. You will not like the consequences if you don't apologize now, she thought.
Relief and embarrassment washed over him. "You mean you didn't... Well, good. It's... good that I was wrong about that." He was relieved, but he was also still hurt that she could confide in a miscreant like Zevran, but not him. And she had still let the wretch kiss her, she didn't seem to mind that at all. "So, what were you talking about that required a locked door?"
Her eyes narrowed, "That's it? It's good that you were wrong?" She laughed incredulously, "Fine. It's good that you were wrong. We talked about how I feel about having been locked in a cage, tortured for refusing to sign away the lives of everyone who associates with me, having my fingers chopped off, oh, and raped by prison guards."
He closed his eyes, almost deciding not to press any further. Almost. "Why him? Haven't I earned your trust yet? You haven't been willing to speak a word about..."
"Because you don't trust me, and more importantly, you pity me," she interrupted. "You see me as a victim," she spat the word, "a fragile, broken woman." Her voice was beginning to tremble, "And I'm still... broken, but you can't treat me like that or I'll never be able to be anything else with you." She didn't want to see pity or guilt written across his features, so she studied her hands in her lap. Wrong idea, she realized too late. It still hadn't fully sunk in that her fingers were gone.
"So you're planning to force me to take the throne and marry that backstabbing bitch because I feel terrible that I didn't protect you better?"
"Dammit, Alistair! I'm not planning anything. I spoke to Anora about it because it's better to make her think we're not opposing her so she doesn't start scheming to have us all murdered in our sleep. Then Eamon told her you were agreeable. Then he told you what had been decided. I am not making these decisions. You need to understand the sodding politics. What I did was find a way to neutralize Anora as a threat and buy us time. Eamon's the one trying to push you onto the throne, you bloody fool!" Ravenna clamped her mouth shut. Say no more, she told herself. He already has enough to be angry about.
He scowled at her choice of words, "Exactly. I'm a bloody fool who doesn't understand simple politics. Clearly not suited to be king. You could have let me know before I made a total ass of myself."
"I doubt anything could prevent that." She scowled at him. "You're the one who was so overcome by jealousy that you couldn't even speak to me about it."
"Right. I suppose I should just assume I don't understand what I'm seeing when I catch you kissing a former lover." He turned his back to her fully.
"If what you assume is that you can't trust me to restrain myself and not betray you, then yes, you should." She had been dreading this conversation all day, and this was the moment that would tell if he was ready to stand on his own or if he was going to let anyone willing to push him run his life.
He was studying his feet. "I can't stand the thought of losing you. It's worse than the thought of being king." He drew a deep breath. "I believe you. And you're right, I should have trusted you. Honestly, I don't think I care what you do, as long as it doesn't change how you are with me. And as long as I don't have to know about it."
Ravenna tried not to let herself grow more angry with him. "You would let me take other lovers, just so long as you didn't have to know about it? Do you really think I'd want to do that?"
"Well. I don't really know, I just thought maybe if I accept the idea I won't end up ruining things by getting jealous. I never want to lose you, I don't care what it takes."
"You're giving me permission to walk all over you, Alistair. You deserve better than that, how can you accept mistreatment from people who are supposed to care for you so easily?"
Alistair's brow furrowed slightly, "If I don't take what I'm given I'll end up with nothing."
"Not true. You'd end up with what you want, or at least you'd know you tried." He didn't seem to have any response to that, so she continued, "What I'd really like to know is whether you actually want to take the crown and marry Anora."
"Maker, no! I don't want Anora under any circumstances. The way she was looking at me today... brr, I don't think I could stand that being part of my life. And, well, I guess being king probably wouldn't be so terrible, but I'd rather be a Gray Warden. I'd rather stay with you, love."
"Then why did you allow Eamon to inform you that you were going to do it?"
"What should I have done? Spat in Anora's face? They said it was your idea. I thought you wanted to be rid of me."
"And I've explained my motives. I would have done sooner, but I didn't have a chance. As it happens, I'm glad you acted like an obedient dog. If you'd refused in there, Anora would be a problem for us."
"Well, that's me. Eager and obedient, better than a puppy." He said bitterly, finally taking a seat on a chair across from Ravenna. "You're not going to make me be king, then?"
"I can't promise it won't be necessary, but it must be your choice. If you choose to take it, I will support you. It might take a little training, but you would be a good ruler."
He leaned back and groaned, "Hah! You say that now... I wish you wouldn't talk like that. Maybe if we help her keep the crown Anora will be so grateful that she won't kill us?"
"Don't hold your breath. But we've survived professional assassins before..." She stopped when she saw him tense slightly. So he's still sore about Zev, she thought wearily. Maker's breath, what more can I say to reassure him, and why the sodding hell do I have to take care of him tonight? Maybe he'll let it go.
"You're probably not going to be able to convince all of them not to kill us by sleeping with them." He muttered, half under his breath.
Ravenna slammed her fist on the small table beside her seat, "And what in the bloody hell is that supposed to accomplish?" She stood, intending to leave the room. She wanted to strike him, but he was still seated. Lucky you, Alistair, you're inconvenient to hit, she thought bitterly. "And you wonder why I couldn't talk to you." She turned and headed for the door.
He grabbed her arm just before she reached the latch. "Rave, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I can't believe I did. It just made me so angry to see him with you, to know you turned to him for comfort..."
"Let go. It's not me you want, it never has been. You don't see me when you look at me. You've convinced yourself that lust is love, and for some reason you can't accept that you're the kind of man who would bed a woman he didn't love."
He didn't release her. "No, that's not true." He turned her to face him, "I've been sick worrying about you and these Maker-damned politics. I haven't been thinking, I've just been reacting." She shook his grip off her arm, but she didn't leave. Alistair was willing to count it as a small victory.
"Rave, I didn't mean to make you feel like you couldn't talk to me. I'm so sorry I couldn't get to you before... I just should have been with you when you were ambushed, maybe then none of it would have happened. I wouldn't have let you surrender."
"It was my choice. They would have taken us both if you were there, or they'd have killed us for resisting arrest."
"Maybe, but I just can't stop wondering if I'd done things differently..."
"Let it go. We have other things to worry about."
"Ravenna, you're all that matters to me. Please, tell me what to do to make things right." There was more than a hint of desperation in his voice.
This was not what she'd hoped for. He was willing to allow others to use him, unwilling to take responsibility for his emotional responses, and also begging her to make his decisions for him. He'd never be able to stand on his own like this. Despite her words, she didn't believe they could actually escape if Anora wished them dead. And though it was petty selfishness that motivated her, she wouldn't allow Anora to rule by Alistair's side. If he insisted on being controlled and used, she would oblige him. If not her, it would be Eamon or Anora or someone else who cared nothing for him as a person.
"Very well." Her tone was cold and commanding. "You must trust me. Zev is not your rival, he is my friend. You should treat him as such. I will not set aside friends to appease your jealousy, so control it." She watched him carefully, gauging his reaction. He seemed a little unhappy, yet calm and grateful that she was telling him what to do. "Logain must be punished. I assume you want him dead. If that's so, you can't allow Anora to remain in power, even as your queen, or she will find her revenge. If Logain is to die, you must be king."
He went a little pale, but he set his jaw, "Alright. I trust you. I can do this. And Logain will die for what he did to Duncan, the Gray Wardens, and … my brother. If that means I have to be king, so be it."
"It's a poor reason to seek a crown, but I don't see any other option that allows us to live very long." She turned to throw the bolt on the door, "Now, one more thing. Maybe the hardest for you." She placed her hand on his chest and shoved him away from the doorway, advancing to keep the distance between them closed, "You have to convince me you don't feel sorry for me, that you're not afraid I'll break."
She ignored her slight trembling and the fear twisting in her gut. Ravenna threaded her fingers into his hair and pulled his lips to hers, kissing him passionately. He was hesitant. She gripped his hair tighter, "That's not going to work, love. If this is the best you can do I might as well go find Zevran instead."
She tried to kiss him again, but he held her away. "What are you doing? Isn't this too soon?"
Far too soon, she wanted to say. "Stop questioning me, you asked me how to fix everything. Do it or we're done." It took everything she had to remain this close. She hoped that pushing through her fear and revulsion at being touched would have the effect of helping her feel whole again.
Alistair studied her face briefly. He couldn't believe what she was asking him to do. But then, this was Ravenna and it was clear she meant it. She probably wouldgo find Zevran if he didn't do something quickly. "Fine. Just tell me if I'm pushing you too far." He drew her close.
Ravenna let him kiss her. She couldn't muster herself to be the aggressor any more, but this time he wasn't holding back so she didn't need to. She tried to relax, she wanted to be able to enjoy herself, and she resolved that she wasn't going to let herself stop him, no matter what he did. There was no time to work through this slowly, she couldn't afford to be plagued by fear of strangers and of being touched. Lacking time, she could use exposure to lessen the fear.
She tried not to cringe as he pulled her shirt over her head. "If this will help you," he gasped between kisses, "I'm glad to do it." He shoved her onto the bed and loosely wound the discarded shirt around her wrists. Either he didn't notice the small whimper that escaped her lips or he chose not to acknowledge it.
-\-
Alistair slipped out of bed, trying not to disturb Ravenna. He almost couldn't believe what the past few hours had been. For the first time ever, he felt like he was free to simply let go. With more than a thin layer of canvas to separate them from the rest of the world, he allowed himself to dismiss his restraint. For days he'd been overwrought, then furious with Ravenna, he channeled all of those emotions into what he was doing.
There were moments, mostly at first, that he nearly felt he was forcing himself on her. Just yesterday he would have believed he wouldn't be able to function, let alone enjoy himself, in such a circumstance. Alistair reminded himself that she told him to do it, she said that it would help her. Otherwise, he told himself, he wouldn't have laid a finger on her.
He had worried that he was too rough, and that he pushed her too quickly, but she never asked him to slow down or stop, so he kept pressing further, doing things he knew he shouldn't want so badly to do to her.
Ravenna murmured in her sleep and stirred slightly, bringing him out of his reverie. He didn't feel like sleeping, though he was tired. He gathered his discarded clothing and dressed quietly. It was late but he still felt like he had energy to burn before he could actually rest. Maybe throwing a stick for Ragnar for a while, or running through some drills would do the trick. He eased the door open and slipped out.
Alistair shut the door silently behind him and turned, immediately being stopped by a very large growling shadow in the corridor. "Ragnar, she's fine, boy. Want to take a walk with me?" He slowly extended his hand, why was the mabari treating him like an enemy or a stranger?
"Easy, boy, you know me." Ragnar snarled at him and snapped at his hand, missing by inches. A warning, only. "I didn't hurt her. She asked me to... Here, go in and see her if you're so worried." He opened the door without turning his back on the agitated mabari. Ragnar stalked into Ravenna's room, turning to snarl at Alistair once he had cleared the door. "Right. Closing the door, leaving now."
The mabari's reaction to him unnerved him. Ragnar had been extremely protective of his mistress since Fort Drakon, but this was the first time Alistair ever actually felt he might be in danger from the war dog. What if he had gone too far tonight? Maybe that's what Ragnar was picking up on. Maker, she told me to, and she never told me to stop, he tried to dismiss his misgivings.
He'd been lost in thought only a few moments, but obviously long enough for Ragnar to wake Ravenna. Her door opened, she hadn't bothered dressing yet apparently, "Sneaking away already?"
"Are you alright? Ragnar was out here and he almost bit me. I think he thought I was... hurting you."
She smirked at him, "Well, you were, but I asked you to, didn't I?" He couldn't help but stare. It was a little surprising to see that he'd left quite a few marks on her body. He wondered if there were still welts from his belt on her backside.
"Anyway, I'm fine." She yawned, "Since I'm not dressed for company, I think I'll stay here. I'll tell Ragnar not to chew on you if you come back later." She leaned into the hall a little and grabbed him for a quick kiss, then she retreated back into the room, closing the door behind her.
That seemed more like the Ravenna he knew, but she still seemed different somehow. "I hope he listens." Alistair muttered, already looking forward to 'later'.