I smell Julia before I enter our home, and ready myself, unsure how to be, certain she'll see right through my lies.

"Joshua!" She walks out from the kitchen, wearing an apron covered in flour. "I've been working on that fish! It really is a monster."

No, I think to myself, I'm the monster. I plaster a smile on my face. "How's it going?"

"Great! I hope you don't mind, I invited Harry and Sue around to share. I offered Billy, but he said Sarah wouldn't be able to handle it...they're going to the doctor tomorrow, to make sure everything is ok."

The mention of the doctor reminds me of her letter. "How was your visit?"

"Great." Her smile widens. "Everything is going just perfectly. Twelve weeks and counting, past the risky stage! We should start thinking of names."

I flinch slightly; grateful Julia has turned to walk back to the kitchen and doesn't see.

"Any ideas?" I ask as I follow.

"Well, if it's a boy, my grandfather's name was Samuel, that would be nice."

I nod absently. Samuel, Sam. I feel totally spaced out.

"And if it's a girl?"

"I was thinking Sarah."

I feign a cough to hide my surprise. "Sarah?"

"Well, I know it's a little weird, with our Sarah and all, but it is such a lovely name."

"It is." I agree, thinking not about our Sarah, but my Sarah, more than a little disturbed and completely flattened.

"Well," Julia smiles brightly over her shoulder at me, "Just eight weeks and we'll know if it's a Sam or a Sarah."

Please, if there is a God, not a Sarah.

* * * * *

"Hey, Josh, coming fishing on Saturday?"

I stare blankly at Billy, my thoughts of Sarah interrupted.

"Huh?"

"Gee, Josh, where've you been the last few weeks?"

"Sorry, just thinking about Monday." My lying has been getting better every day. 'Where have you been', 'what are you thinking about'. Even Julia hasn't seemed to notice anything off. Yet. If I'm realistic, though, I would guarantee it was hormones and excitement in her case, not my lying abilities.

"Oh, yeah, the big reveal!" Harry laughed, leaning back on the huge piece of driftwood.

"Mmm."

"What are you hoping for?" Billy asked.

"Definitely not twin girls, you poor bastard."

Harry snickers at my comment.

"I think we'll do okay."

"Yeah." I laugh. "Until they reach fifteen, then what?"

I watch as his face drains of color. "Oh, I didn't think if that."

Harry snickers. "You can be a real ass, Josh. A funny ass, but an ass none the less."

"When are you due?"

He straightens up, clearing his throat nervously. Monday as well, actually."

"And what are you after?"

"I'm not worried about that." He says earnestly. "I'm more worried about later. All the horror stories about birth..."

I clap him on the back. "You'll be right. And Sue will be just fine."

"Yeah. Yeah." But I still see the fearful light in his eyes.

"Anyway," I return my focus to Billy; give Harry time to calm himself, "fishing Saturday did you say?" I'm fully prepared to refuse, preferring instead to find some way to fit in another visit to Sarah.

"Yeah, and then another party at the Makah rez."

I pause in my refusal. A party at the Makah rez.

"Who'll be there?" I try to sound as casual as I can, while my heart thuds an unsteady rhythm.

"I don't know, but it's at James Call's." Sarah's.

"Sure, why not? I think we're almost entirely out of the last fish I caught."

"Oh, so is that why you keep bailing out on us, you've got enough already."

I nod yes to Harry's question, hating myself again for the constant lies.

* * * * *

I drive myself to Sarah's house this time, following Billy, Harry and Sue in Harry's car. It's surprisingly quiet when we reach there; I had expected as much noise as the last one we all attended together. I stood back, allowing Billy to knock, surprised again when James answers the door, and I see behind him no more than twenty people.

"Hey, hey! Good to see you all. Come in!"

Although it is a very quiet party, I notice James is already blind drunk. I'm not sure whether that is a relief or a worry, as I obviously haven't said a word about my time with Sarah to anyone.

Turns out I am worrying about nothing, because after five minutes of staring at me James finally asks "Who are you?"

"My friend, Joshua, remember?" Billy laughs.

"Oh. Joshua. Nice to meet you." He holds out his hand unsteadily and I shake it, following the expected procedure. The sound of my name brings a different reaction, also. Sarah slips silently around the corner, watching me from the far wall.

I continue to sit for a while, watching her watch me from the corner of my eye, before I excuse myself and follow her now retreating figure into the kitchen.

She dives into my arms as I round the wall.

Honestly, not once have I crossed any boundaries so far. I have kept my physical distance as much as I am able, limiting myself to leaning my arm against hers as we watch her silly soap, or hugging her goodbye. But it has been weeks, and it seems, finally, she's had enough. Standing on tip toes she presses her lips to the highest place she can reach, my shoulder. I stiffen briefly, and her arms slide upwards, barely touching around the back of my neck.

"Please kiss me, Joshua."

I try to refuse.

"Please." She stretches up again and I hold my breath in a desperate attempt to fight my wanting and my need to give her whatever she asks for.

Her face gazes up at mine in anguish.

"You don't like me." She whispers, looking so sad, so hurt...

I crush my mouth against hers, swinging her up off the floor in order to kiss her properly. My heart balloons with relief, happiness and rightness, but my mind reminds me of what I have at home. I set her carefully back on her feet, my breathing heavy.

"Josh?" Her eyes are glazed with desire, drawing me in again.

"I do like you, Sarah. More than I should. I better get back."

I walk slowly back to the lounge, my whole existence unsteady, trying to focus on my wife, my baby.

Five minutes after I seat myself, Sarah returns, this time with a camera, and far more noticeable.

I watch her as she wanders over to her brother, nudging him with her toe. "I need some pics, James."

"Go ahead." He mutters, unperturbed. He looks at the group and shrugs. "Sorry, my sister loves her photos."

She snaps one of the room at large, a few of her brother. Then Harry, Sue and I on the couch.

"Hey, James, can you take some with me in?"

He holds out his hand and she tosses him her camera, seating herself next to a group of girls who seem to be not much older than she is.

She moves to Billy. "Can I get one of you and your friends?"

"Sure, sure."

He wanders over to the couch where the rest of us sit, dragging Harry and Sue up. "C'mon, be good sports for the kid."

I remain seated; quickly find my place taken by the girls from before. She throws me a disappointed look over her shoulder before facing forward and smiling.

I thought I got away with it. Apparently not.

James points the camera at me, clicking.

"Me and my rescuer, now." She sidles towards me, wrapping an arm around my waist; I feel the burn even through our clothes.

"Come on, Josh." Billy snickers. "Be nice." I slide my arm around her waist, trying not to wince as the need overpowers me again.

"Smile." James laughs, and I oblige. I do want this picture to come out nice for her.

"Thanks." She smiles at me, before crossing to her brother and scooping up her camera. "That'll do for tonight."

I stare at her back, a whine building in my throat.

I excuse myself again, and hide in the bathroom for a while, until the uncontrollable need fades slightly.