Chapter 10

"Yet another day gone by with no less than three major squabbles between the two Princesses of light and dark! I feel sorry for Sammy: he's usually first in the firing line! Patsy has actually moved out of her old room and up a level to one of the old offices with a door. I think it was the Guardian's room before! I wonder if she realises! Gel has, yet again, changed her image! The pink is, mercifully, paler this time, though! She's also added some new fake nails that she found and painted them the same shade. In response, Patsy has swapped her old top for another black one with lacy, medieval type sleeves and a cut away midriff and has painted black and silver diagonal stripes on her nails! Gel got rid of the butterfly thingies round her eyes; Patsy added enough black eyeliner to make Zoot proud!

Urgh! I think I'm going mad! My son is the only thing keeping me sane right now! When I don't have little Bray to concentrate on, and sometimes even when I do, I find myself either breaking up fights or day-dreaming about... Sheesh! Why can't I get the guy out of my head! It's not like I spend every waking minute of every single day around him or something! He's not right there in front of me, distracting me all the time! Far from it! In fact, miles from it! I hardly ever see him!

Maybe I'm just... worried about him. The way... friends... worry... about... each other. The... normal... way. Y'know?

I mean, I've a right to be worried, haven't I? He is my friend, after all. And he does spend a lot of time on his computer or up on the roof. I hardly ever see him at meals. I don't even know if he's eating at all, let alone properly! A real friend would worry at that, right?

Argh! This has to stop! I mean, what am I thinking! It's Jack! Y'know? The little... skinny... clumsy... geek! With the lisp and the terrible dress sense that trapped Lex, Ryan and Zandra in the grills when we all first met! He's still the same guy! The guy that invented the water purifiers and didn't stop calling himself a genius for months after! Come to think of it, he still does that now, years after!

But there are times when he just... does stuff and... says stuff that just... I don't know... makes me realise: he's not the same anymore. He's grown up, I guess. He's changed. And in way too many good ways! But he's still, underneath it all, the same old Jack... who knows me through and through.

Does that even make sense?

I don't know.

Nothing makes sense to me right now.

Normally, I'd talk to Alice, or even Ryan, but I can never seem to find either of them! Of course, if it was anything else that was bothering me right now, I mean, if it was just Gel and Patsy and the fashion wars, for example, I'd go straight to Jack! I can't do that now. Now the way I'm feeling right now! He'd see right through me. He can do that you know: tell when I'm lying. Oh, sure, I could talk to him about the girls and he'd cringe and laugh and only half pay attention half the time, but then he would ask if anything else was bothering me. And that's when I would have to lie. And he'd spot it.

I'm so terrified he's going to figure it out the next time he even looks at me! The last time I saw him was the last time I went to try to talk to him. About a week ago now! He was working on some gadget and muttering to himself, like he does. I stood in the door way for an age, just watching him. He didn't even know I was there until he dropped something and had to look round.

"Ah, Amber, how long have you been there?" he had asked.

I had been grinning stupidly and, to my mortification, I actually giggled in reply!

"What? Eh, wh-what's funny?" Jack stammered.

"It's... um... just nice to see you back to your old self, that's... um... that's all," I lied.

He knew it was a lie, I could tell by the way he looked away from me. That sobered me up a bit. It also made me forget why I was there in the first place!

"I... um... just wondered... um... er... I wondered... what... I mean if... um... if you wanted a cup of tea or something?" I stammered, desperately trying to focus on something other than Jack!

"No, I'm fine, thanks. A-Amber, are you alright?"

"Yeah,I'mfine,whywouldn'tIbe?" I blurted out, quickly. Far too quickly!

Jack's brow creased as he looked me over. I rubbed the back of my neck and started to find the ceiling fascinating! I heard him get up and walk over to me. He grabbed my hand so that I turned my gaze back to him. I gave a half smile, rather nervously: part of me was terrified he would be able to see exactly what was running through my mind at that moment, with him so close, while the rest of me was wishing it wasn't just another day-dream! He looked me right in the eye.

"You know, if you need to talk or anything, I'm right here," he said, softly.

I couldn't stop myself: I hugged him! I think he was a little surprised, but I don't think he guessed, not from that. I don't know how long I stood there, holding him close, part of me wishing he knew why, part of me dreading what might happen if he ever found out! He didn't pull away from me. I think he kinda figured that I just needed a hug and that was all that was wrong. I hope that's what he thought anyway! I swear, when I finally did pull away from him, I nearly kissed him! Not even Jack could have missed that clue! Instead I just said I was "fine, thanks" and walked away.

I don't know what'll happen next time I see him. I have this frustrating feeling that I won't be able to say a word and then everyone will know and I won't be able to look any of them straight in the face again. Perhaps I should just pack up and leave! Get out of here while I still can! Go to the Eco's and try and make things up with Trudy. See if I can find Salene or Lex! Anything but sit here and think about Jack!

I suppose I should really go and get some dinner, but I'm not hungry. Besides, what if he's there? And anyway, it's not like I have that big an appetite these days: I hardly eat anything! It's not like I need much: I just stay here on babywatch, ever since Ryan and Alice said they would do all the foraging. The only energy I use up is feeding my son and splitting up the terrible two, and that's only when Alice and Ryan aren't here and Sammy can't manage! The rest of my time is spent lying here, on my bed, with Bray in his cot next to me, day-dreaming about Jack."