Chapter 11- This has passed

"Where are you going Mommy?" Robbie asked.

He sat on the edge of his mother's bed watching as she put on the last of her jewelry. He'd woken up to find her dressed and almost ready to head out the door. Emily smiled, drawing bittersweet strength from the sight of her sleepy eyed little boy sitting there in his cowboy pajamas, clutching his teddy bear and rubbing his eyes as he questioned her.

"Oh sweetheart." Emily began, bending down to talk to him. "Mommy has to go somewhere very important this morning."

"Can I go with you?"

"No sweetheart."

"What about school?"

"You're not going today."

"But it's school Mommy! I like school and you work there." He was disappointed.

"Yes sweetie but I'm not going to school today either."

"Well wherever it is it sounds like fun! Where is it, can I go?"

Emily had hoped he wouldn't ask this because she didn't know what to say and at the same time, she didn't want to lie to her son. She knew that he could sense her nervousness and was upset by it.

"No." She managed a small giggle and hugged him. He'd stood up on the bed so that he could hug her.

She took him into her arms and kissed his forehead as someone knocked on the front door. He was tired and comfortable in his mother's embrace, he didn't really want to her to leave him and wished that if they weren't going to school she'd stay and read with him…maybe she'd even decide to read his Daddy's letters to him. Emily put Robbie down on the steps and answered the door.

"Look Robbie it's Uncle Jerry!"

Howard had gone out of town unexpectedly. Emily was upset by this. It was the day she needed Howard most. Emily thought it was best that Robbie not go to school that day just because it was going to be such a difficult day. Having him safe at home in Jerry's care met something less for her to worry about.

"Hi." He smiled, brightening instantly. Uncle Jerry was the next best thing to Uncle Howard, but he'd still rather have Mommy.

"Hey Robbie. We're gonna have lots of fun today I promise…does that sound good to you?"

"Um-hum." The boy nodded.

"Okay Robbie." Emily grabbed her purse and got on her knees. "Mommy loves you she'll see you later." She kissed his cheek.

"I love you too Mommy."

"Bye Emily." Jerry said as he and Robbie walked her to the door. He wasn't showing it but he was nervous about what that day would bring too.

"Where's my Mommy going?" Robbie asked simply. He was worried about this but knew better than to badger her by asking repeatedly.

"Somewhere to help make sure that your Dad gets honored."

"What's that mean?"

"It means that she's going somewhere to go and make sure that your Dad is remembered in a way that is well…" Jerry didn't know how define the word so simply. "In a way that he deserves to be…in a respectful way. " That was a good way of explaining it, if this guy went free, it met society had no respect for Bob Hartley. "Because he was a wonderful guy."

"Oh!" He understood. "I honor my Daddy, cause I love him even though he's not here."

"Yeah." Jerry reflected. This made him sad. Emily should've taken him with her and let him do all the talking. He was cute and heartbreaking all at once. "So what do you want to do today?"

"You can come to kindergarten with me, that would be fun!"

"Oh no Robbie, I don't think they allow grown ups in kindergarten. But I do think this morning calls for cookies at breakfast, don't you?"

….

Emily Hartley never thought she'd find herself in prison. She'd spent the entire trip there doing her very best to concretely figure out what she was going to say. There was so much pressure on her and too much emotion swimming through her head and her heart. What if she messed it up? Or didn't say quite the right thing? She'd let Bob down if she did. And she could never do that. As a result she was nervous…and worse: she'd have to see him. The man who'd taken her husband's life so violently, and caused their son to never know his father would be sitting there right in the same room with her. It was almost two much to bear, which was why she hadn't eaten any breakfast: she was about to throw up.

Emily's heart jumped into her throat, pounding excessively as beads of sweat seemed to pour down her forehead. On top of it all she wanted to cry. Being here, in this cold, dark prison and having to talk about the murder, and her and Robbie's life after…it brought back all the raw emotion from that day, as well as chilling memories she'd tried to forget over the past few years.

Emily wore her necklace adorened very visably on her black jacket: she'd worn all black that day, it being one of the more solumn occasions of her life. Emily sniffled as she sat down to begin testifying…she hoped the tears wouldn't come just yet. She held Bob's diary in her hand. She took it with her for strength and solace: so she wouldn't walk into that room all alone.

She tried to think of her little boy as the proceedings began. What would he think about all of this if he knew? What would he think to say about the father he so longed to meet? The head of the parole board introduced her, but she didn't really tune in until someone said: "Mrs. Harley, you can speak now."

Emily decided to forget that everyone else was there and speak solely from the heart.

"Eight and a half months after my husband was murdered I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who is the greatest gift I'll ever have, partially because he gave me a chance to look into his father's eyes again and say I love you. I never got to tell Bob, that I was having a baby…I often wonder if it would've changed anything about, about how he died…because he wanted to have a baby…and he never got to find out that he was going to be a Dad…" Emily sniffled as she began.

"My husband was the love of my life. I depended on him, I adored him, he was my partner in everything and my best friend…but realistically I can't be so selfish with my memories of him. I was just one of many who was honored enough to be one of his best friends: you have statements about Bob, and the day he was murdered, written from them all. I was his love, Jerry Robinson was his pal, Howard Borden was our best friend together as a couple, Cliff Murdoch was his best college friend and Elliot Carlin…well he was always just there." Emily decided to say. Even today there was no better way to describe Elliot Carlin's presence in their lives.

"Bob was there for everyone in his life. His patients needed him badly as a pillar of support in their lives and to this day, still tell me they miss him and they are more wayward than ever without his friendship…not just his professional help. He was trying to do the same for this man…to talk him through his problem, when he decided to kill my husband instead…

The murder and loss of my husband have been unspeakably devastating for me. But it's hardest for my son, who I first told about his Dad when he was only two or three…I think that for my little boy, whose five now, the hardest thing is his obviously unfulfilled desperation to want to know the man who gave him life, and who was just like him. My son carries his father's ecsense…he talks about his Dad every single day because he wants to learn more about himself. He asks me everything you could possibly ever want to know about Bob. I can't tell you how many questions I don't really know the answer to…and it always breaks his heart and mine…as a result of this man's actions I think a part of my son will always be crushed and perhaps a little bit missing because he longs for a father who once longed for him too…and I hate you for that more than almost any thing else." She found herself addressing Mel, the killer now.

"I'm here today to address the idea of my husband's murderer being released on parole after only five years and for good behavior. Good behavior?! Are you kidding me?" Emily's anger was rising out of her soul now. "This man, a thief mind you, took my son's father away…murdered him in cold blood! I heard it." Emily couldn't help it and began to cry now. Hearing it all happen: this was the part she hadn't wanted to remember and had tried to block out. "All the fighting and pushing and shoving going on in that office! All MEL because you wanted a hostage to get you away from that bank robbery charge! What was it worth it wasn't even armed robbery! You would've been out of jail in months!" Emily was sobbing uncontrollably now. "But no, you had to force him into trying to stay in that room with you. You had to punch my husband, so loud I could hear it on the other side of the lobby! You had to slam his whole body into a book case….watch all the books and everything fall on him and shoot him anyway you bastard!" Emily couldn't stand to relive this and was screaming out almost whatever came to mind. "And yet you might get let off for GOOD BEHAVIOR you heartless son of a bitch! Bob will never get back to his family for good behavior or any other reason. He'll never meet the son he wanted so much…the murder you committed out of greed cost him his life and mine too!

Nothing will ever be the same for me…my husband is dead, our life has been destroyed…but the only thing we cling to is the promise that there is still good in people, there's still justice…and there's always truth. The truth is that good behavior implies that you're a good person and you're not: you're a cold-blooded thief and killer!

More than almost anything, I don't want to have to explain who you are and why you're out of prison to my little boy…it would be too much for him to bear and he's already had to comprehend so much a little boy never should.

And as far as my husband and what's right for him: releasing this man now, means that he died in vain, it's the state telling everyone who loved and depended on him that his life didn't matter. He deserved to die in dignity and be remembered in honor." She was still crying now. "Because he lived an honorable life. His memory lives on in his son, and his namesake, and I don't want him growing up in a world where his father's murderer walks out of prison after five years for good behavior! What kind of justice is that?! Hell how does that even happen, it's not even logical!"

"Mrs. Hartley it's okay. It's alright." Someone offered and handed her a tissue.

"No, no it's not alright! It'll never really be alright!" Emily sobbed.

"Mrs. Hartley, we just have a few more questions for you." She nodded and continued to dry her eyes.

….

Emily hoped that Robbie wouldn't notice she'd been crying when she got home. Today had been overwhelming and she was glad to get back to him.

"Hi Emily." Jerry looked up at her when she walked through the door. She looked tired and sad: he knew she'd been crying. He wondered if that meant she'd lost.

"Did you get my Daddy honored?" Robbie asked eagerly. He didn't notice his mother's mascara stained face.

"Jerry?" She asked, she was a little angry, having not wanted him to know where she was really going.

"I just told him you were going somewhere to make sure that his Dad continued to be honored: that was it…how did it go?"

"Yeah Mommy, how did it go?"

"Well…" She trailed off, looking down at Robbie. "It was a little hard on me, I had to remember some sad things but yeah: Daddy got honored."

Jerry smiled at this.

"Really Emily? That's awesome!"

"Robbie, could you, could you go in the other room for a minute: maybe get your coat and your boots on so we can go out, maybe for pizza."

"Okay!" He giggled he was excited by this and it made him forget most of the questions he had for her and run back into his room.

"So…did it really go okay?" Jerry asked.

"Yeah. He's staying in there: for a really long time. It wasn't really me: it was more of the prosecutor than me but…I at least got to say what I've wanted to say for so long…sort of…"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm…I'm going to be fine, I'm sad but I feel good. I feel relieved. I feel free." She laughed. Jerry smiled at this.

"That's wonderful Emily." He knew what she meant, she could finally lye Bob to rest and move on.

"Hey would you like to join us…we're going to celebrate: pizza and a movie."

"Oh Emily I'd love to but I have a date tonight. Could be the one…you never know." He said.

Emily didn't totally understand why Jerry was still searching for the one. There were plenty of people out there who'd found their one and weren't nearly as great as Jerry.

"But how about this. Why don't you and me, and Robbie and Howard go to a movie next week: to celebrate."

"I'd like that." She smiled.

"Great. Bye Robbie!" He called.

"Bye Uncle Jerry!"

"Have a great date." Emily smiled.

"Thanks Emily and congratulations." He said as he shut the door.

"Mommy why does he always have a date?"

"Because he's looking for someone to spend his life with." She said as she began to tie his bootlaces.

"Like you and Daddy did, and how you do now with Uncle Howard?"

She was surprised by this…did he know about her and Howard? They'd kissed again the other night…it had felt weird at first, but she thought she really liked it: had he seen them? No he would've asked about it, probably right then and there. He must have just been referring to the observation everyone else had made before they decided to begin dating: that she and Howard already shared a life.

"Yeah…kind of." She said, not wanting to tell him too much just yet. "How about this sweetheart. Lets get our pizza and come back and watch a movie…"

"To celebrate getting Daddy honored?" He asked, taking her hand as they walked out the door.

"Yes, to celebrate getting Daddy honored."

"Can we have popcorn?"

"Of course. And after the movie…let's reconnect with your Daddy a little bit."

"You mean the diary."

"Yes I mean your Daddy's diary." She giggled, shutting the door behind her, now finally fully realizing that her life wasn't over.