A/N Back in town after a too long hiatus. Don't worry this story is still one of my favs so I haven't forgotten about it. The thing about is...well there's not enough of it to everything you want sadly.
But I digress, I offer you this story and hopefully you will enjoy.
"WAFS?" Ron placed his right hand under his chin as a look of stern contemplation came over his face. "Women's...Alliance-For...stuff?"
Kim smiled graciously, "Not exactly, but you're kind of close."
"How close?"
"Well you were right about women," Kim said as she quickened her pace to match up with his.
"You mean that they'll be the death of me?"
"No," she said with a roll of her eyes.
"Because I do think they'll be my eventual downfall."
"OK, please tell me how women will lead to your downfall?"
Ron stopped abruptly in his tracks and Kim immediately followed suit. She watched his fingers once again stroke his chin, another sign of serious contemplation.
"Well?" she said after a long pause. "You don't have a real answer do you?"
"I have a lot of answers. Do you want them all, or should I take the time to sort out the best ones."
"I'd prefer to forget that I even asked," she sighed.
"I should clarify, I meant an emotional downfall not a physical one." He paused once again to reflect, "Then again, the right girl would probably have me running a 'gator farm in Florida just north of chez leisure..."
As usual when a curious statement had escaped from the blond, Kim's right eyebrow arched up into her forehead. "That is an oddly specific...whatever that was-it was oddly specific."
Ron simply shrugged. "Anyway you were saying something about wasps?"
"W.A.F.S! It stands for Women's Auxiliary Ferrying Squadron a small group of female transport pilots that was formed in 1942."
They continued walking and Ron shook his head. "Never heard of them."
"Unfortunately most people haven't. Anyway, my grandmother was one of the twenty-eight women who were there when the group was founded. And she was still with the group when it folded into the Women Air force Service Pilots-."
"So technically, I was right when I said 'WASPs'."
"-Almost every type of aircraft flown by the United States Air Force during World War II was also flown at some point by the women in W.A.S.P. In addition, a few exceptionally qualified women like Nana for example, were allowed to test rocket-propelled planes, to pilot jet-propelled planes, and to work with radar-controlled targets. Also women who were candidates for W.A.F. S leadership were admitted into Air Force Reserves, because of that Nana was awarded the rank of lieutenant colonel in the Reserves in 1952. Well after that, she decided why not take a shot at the Navy?"
Ron pointed at her face, "Hey KP you have some pride on your face there. Do you want a napkin?"
Kim smiled, the corners of her emerald eyes crinkling. "She can be a little overprotective, but I am very proud of Nana. She is a one of a kind person in a family full of one of a kind people. That's why for the last five years we've celebrated her birthdays by using a theme based on some of the more unique moments in her life."
"Let me guess this years' theme involves airplanes?"
"Nope, we did our Air Force theme five years ago."
"Something with the Navy?"
"Sorry, that was three years ago," she said with a shake of her head.
"I give," Ron conceded.
Kim drew in a deep breath. "The year is Nineteen Seventy Six, on her way home after a late night run to a grab some cold medicine for her husband; Nana's cars is sideswiped by another car driven by none other than Philip Winne, the lead singer of the American Motown group known as The Spirals. Thanks to her sharp reflexes and top notch driving skills, Nana avoids careening out of control while Philip Winne unfortunately hits a lamppost. After regaining her bearings Nana pulls Philip from the wreckage. Once out on the sidewalk, he tells her that he's sorry for crashing into her but he was being chased by a group of men sent by local loan shark Joey 'Rubber band,' Trivoli. As Mr. Winne is passing out in Nana's arms, a white unmarked van comes to a screeching halt down the block. Six huge thugs pop out of the van with their trademark rubber bands wrapped around their wrists. That was their gang 'thing' wearing the rubber band. Anyway they're are there to teach Mr. Winne a lesson, so they walk up to Nana and order her to beat it."
"What happened?" Ron gulped.
"Well long story short, she beat up the loan shark's men, carried Mr. Winne to her car and drove him to the hospital. Flash-forward two weeks later, The Spirals are debuting their latest hit single/dance craze on the iconic show 'U.S Bandstand.' During an encore performance of their hit single and current dance craze the Rubber-band man dance, Mister Winne invited a special guest to the stage to dance along beside him. That special guest happened to be the same woman who saved his life."
"Wow," Ron said, genuinely impressed. "So the theme this time is-"
"Yep, Nana's performance at the show. My uncle and cousin are going to put on a little performance for Nana tomorrow night."
"That sounds great," clapping his hands Ron together. "I'm going to want to know how that turns out."
"Wait a sec," Kim muttered. "Are you implying that you're not coming?"
"No, I'm not implying anything. I'm saying, I'm not coming. No offense to your family, I'm sure they're all great. But for you and me we're, probably better off if I don't come," Ron declared.
"How?"
"Just take my word for it."
Silence ensued.
In that period of time three distinct cars sped past them and down the block. Averting his gaze, Ron followed the cars with his eyes until they were all three barely visible dots in the distance. Ron then exhaled very slowly for a very long time. It wasn't lengthy by choice. It just so happened while in the middle of the sigh, through the corner of his eyes, he saw the look on Kim's face and realized that he would be expected to explain himself the second the sigh ended. So he kept the weary sigh going until he had just about squeezed out every drop of air in his lungs, and was on the verge of collapse.
He drew a quick breath as if surfacing from underwater. "I guess you're waiting for an explanation."
"Didn't peg you as a psychic," she quipped with a sideways grin.
"And you won't back down without one."
"Two for two."
Ron ran his right hand across the back of his head. "OK, we had kind of a moment tonight right? It started when someone was meddling—"
"Hey!"
"Then someone cried; there were apologies and hugs and then friendship experience points were gained and then we leveled up. A moment."
"Awwww, that's weirdly sweet."
Using both his pointer fingers, Ron traced an imaginary box in the air. "This is our comfort zone, we've found it. It's just you and me, see? It's a combination of what makes you comfortable and what makes me comfortable, meshed together all sweet and comfy like. That's all it is. It's simple, who are we to complicate this beautiful system? For example you're uncomfortable when I eat Sloppy Joes, so I only eat that when you're not around. Now as we both now, I'm uncomfortable with the everything on Earth, so unless your family members are from Mars, there's gonna be a problem."
Kim sighed and placed her right hand on his right shoulder. "Ron, listen-"
"KP, We got lucky with the last dinner with your family. We don't need to push our luck."
"-You'll be fine. They will like you -"
"I'm going to say something stupid and it'll linger in the air like…poison!"
"-And if they don't like you, well I wouldn't care-"
Silence again.
"OK, you say that but-"
She interrupted him by now placing her left hand on his left shoulder. "Let's try something new. For the next twenty-four hours 'Ah, why not' is going to be your personal philosophy."
"Why would I do that?"
"As a favor to me?" she asked while smiling fondly.
"You know what you are, KP?" Ron mumbled up to the night sky. "You're some kind of female fatal."
"Uh-You mean femme fatale?"
He glanced back down at her. "Yes, a 'femme fatale' who hasn't realized yet that you don't need to correct all of your friend's mis-speakings."
Kim opened her mouth to speak but stopped herself soon after. Suddenly they heard a soft voice coming from behind them.
"Very interesting."
Startled, they turned around to discover an elderly woman, carrying two clear plastic bags in both hands, standing directly behind them. "You know to my knowledge, a femme fatale is traditionally an alluring and seductive woman, whose charms ensnare her lovers in bonds of irresistible desire, often leading them into compromising, dangerous, and deadly situations. That is quite an interesting description of my little Kimberly Anne."
"Nana?" Kim blurted out.
His head swiveling back and forth Ron scanned the immediate area. Eventually it dawned on him the critical blunder his absentmindedness had caused. "Ron you idiot, why were you having this conversation in front of her house!"
The truth of the matter was that Ron was not even sure when exactly he and Kim had broken away from Felix and Monique. After he had allowed the tears to flow freely like a toddler he remembered the group of four hanging out awhile longer, chatting and generally having a great time. But then he was back talking to Kim and it was abruptly just two of them alone again. Which is something he didn't really mind, still the conversation had steered to her grandmother's birthday, and then suddenly here she was.
"Good news I dropped by the store and brought ice cream," Nana proclaimed.
"Nana," Kim repeated as she separated from Ron and embraced her grandmother. "When did you get here?"
"Oh about two hours ago with Slim and Joss." Nana wrapped her arms around her granddaughter, "It's good to see you again, hun."
"It's good to see you too, Nana."
The elderly woman cleared her throat. "I see you're still fond of the baggy boy's pants. What happened to that nice dress I sent you for your birthday?"
"Now is not the time for this conversation, Nana," Kim muttered to her grandmother.
'It's a shame, today's youth do not have a proper appreciation for a fine sundress." Sighing loudly Nana turned her attention away from Kim, "Kimberly, your friend seems to be attempting to escape by melding into the shadows."
Kim glanced over shoulder. "Ron?"
"Hey!" Ron blurted out as he stumbled back out of the darkness and into the moonlight. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Grandma P."
"Ah, so you're Ronald Stoppable."
"Yes."
"James tells me that your family lives a few houses down from here."
"Yes."
"432 wasn't it?"
"Yes."
"I just walked by; it's a lovely home. Your family must be very proud of it."
"Yes."
"But you're living in Upperton now, are you going to school there?"
"Yes."
"Where."
"Yes. No, I mean I go to the City University of Upperton, Upperton," Ron said clearly flustered.
Nana chuckled to herself. "It seems like everything I've heard is true."
"What have you heard?" Kim asked testily.
Nana shrugged nonchalantly. "I've heard predictable things from your father, some sweet things from your mother, delightfully-charming things from your brothers, and some odd things from all of the above."
"Odd?" Ron asked anxiously.
"Delightfully charming?" Kim asked heatedly.
"Hmmm," Nana held up one the grocery bags and peeked inside. "Oh dear, if we don't get inside this ice cream will melt."
Ron glanced from Nana, to Kim, then back at Nana. Lowering his head he said "It was nice meeting you but I really should be getting ho-"
Nana interrupted him with a groan. She then offered one of the grocery bags to Kim and then held out her remaining hand.
"Would you be a dear and help an old woman carry these bags inside." Nana said meekly.
Ron stared at the bag curiously, it was only a moment or so ago that he had seen Nana effortlessly lift the back up to chest level to glance inside. At least that's what he thought he saw. No it didn't matter what he saw, he couldn't refuse to help the old woman. It seemed clear that the infamous Nana Possible had lured him into a trap. No, he couldn't blame the cunning old woman; he could only curse his chivalric white knight ways.
"I'd be honored," he said as he graciously accepted the bag.
"It's good to see there are still polite young men these days. You'll be staying for some ice cream as well, right?"
"Ah… why not?" Ron nodded.
"Excellent," with the said Nana took the lead as they strolled to the Possible porch.
"Why is this happening KP?" Ron whispered quickly to her.
"Amp down. Really, what's the worst that can happen?" Kim whispered back.
He turned towards her with a deadpan stare. "Have we met? Do you know me?"
"Ron Stoppable, early twenties, nice guy, tends to panic in social situations" she retorted.
"Oh, you think you've seen me panic? How naive of you. You haven't seen me panic, sister. Now whatever happens in there," as he motioned towards her home. "With the rest of your family…" then he politely pointing at her, "it's your fault" he said.
"Fine, I'll be sure to take full responsibility for whatever may or may not happen," Kim smiled.
"KP, if this were Star Wars you'd be a Storm Trooper on the Death Star whistling Dixie right before it explodes."
Kim took a moment to seriously reflect on this statement. Eventually she broke the silence and asked, "why would a Storm Trooper be whistling Dixie?"
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9:30 PM
They had only take a few steps into the house when a flash of reddish brown darted towards Ron. Having conjured up a heightened sense alarm and caution, Ron was not in the right state of mind to reasonably process the sight of a happily screeching teen girl sprinting towards them.
"Cousin!"
Caught completely of guard Ron sprang back like a startled cat, all arched spine and splayed limbs. In his haste he backpedaled, tripped over his own feet, fell over backwards, and smashed against the floor with a loud groan. He was quietly gazing up at the ceiling, when Kim appeared from the bottom right of his field of vision and stared down at him.
"Are you alright?" she said anxiously.
"Hey KP, what's that they say about first impressions?"
The teen girl appeared beside Kim and peered curiously down at Ron. "Who are you?"
"Who do you want me to be?" he groaned.
"Goodness, that was some entrance-" said a countrified voice as Kim extended out her hand and Ron reached out to grab hold. "-Is this my niece's boyfriend?"
"What? Who's boyfriend?" Kim exclaimed. This momentary lapse of concentration caused Ron to slip from her grasp and land back on the floor.
Kim's uncle, it was safe for Ron to assume it was her uncle due to him calling her his niece, suddenly stepped forward. Sporting a mustache that momentarily filled Ron with envy, he put his hands up to his shoulders and said, "was I misinformed?"
"What happened?" Anne Possible's face suddenly materialized above Ron. "Ronald? We weren't expecting you until tomorrow."
Nana's voice came in from apparently across the room. "I invited him in for some of my famous Peanut Butter and Banana Gelato!"
"I don't know how you do it Mrs. P, but you have the softest linoleum tiles in the neighborhood" Ron commented from the floor. "It's like lying on a solid cloud, you should be proud"
"Um...thank you" Anne replied.
Through the corner of his eyes Ron noticed Kim's cousin leaning over him. "Howdy, I'm Jocelyn Possible."
Ron reached up and shook her hand. "Ronald Stoppable, of the Middleton Stoppable's."
"-That's the way squirt tells it. You know how protective he is when it comes to his baby girl."
"Dad, what did you say?"
Joss peered down curiously at Ron. "No offense but, you don't look like the kind of boyfriend my cousin should have."
"How can I take offense when I agree with you?"
Nana's head popped into view from the top left of his field of vision. "If you lie on the floor for much longer young man, you'll likely catch your death of a cold."
"-Well Kimmie-cub, at first glance-"
Having admonished her father and enlightened her uncle on the situation, Kim brought her attention back to Ron.
"Why are you still on the floor?" She reached down took his hand and jerked him back up to his feet.
"The way I see it KP. If you stay on the ground, that really lowers the chances of you falling down again."
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9:45
In the world of video game the term turtle has different meanings depending on the genre. But all definitions relate to a completely defensive strategy. The essential element of this strategy is usually avoiding damage, by either delaying the enemy until an assault or counter-attack can be mounted or used in desperation to prolong an inevitable loss in the hopes of recovering or to simply avoid the embarrassment of defeat. Depending on the situation, it could be a very useful strategy and as far as Ron was concerned there was no reason it couldn't be applied to real life.
Once back on his two feet, Ron was swept into the dining room and seated at the center of the dining table. He found himself completely surrounded by Possibles on all sides, which of course placed him in a barely suppressed state of pure panic. Initially, to Ron's delight, the spotlight remained on Kim as she reconnected with her recently arrived family members. While his friend steered the course of conversation, Ron relieved some of his anxiety by allowing his imagination to unfurl.
And so by having been somehow been granted the spectacular abilities of a chameleon, he camouflaged perfectly against the wooden dining room set, and was completely hidden from view.
"So Ronald tell us something about yourself?" asked Nana.
Having been spotted despite his miraculous powers of concealment, Ron resorted to "turtling." Which consisted of him weighing his words extra carefully before speaking.
"...OK a little about myself...Well, I'm a 'student'..." absentmindedly he made quotations marks with his fingers to emphasize the word student. Unfortunately multitasking was not one of Ron's strong suits and so while he considered and reconsidered his choice of words, his physical actions were quick to betray him. "...At the City University of Upperton."
"Oh what are you studying?" Slim remarked.
"...I'm glad you asked me that...Uncle...P."
"Call me Slim, son."
"I'm glad you asked that Slim...Again...as... I remarked to Mr. and Mrs. P before...I'm kind of in a state of academic transition...Currently I'm a liberal arts major but I'm considering other...fields of...study."
The Possibles had a few more uneasy exchanges with Ron. The problem is while turtling can significantly cut down the chances of someone saying something embarrassing, the delaying of every response by a couple seconds can at best lead to stilted conversations. At worst, as Ron was soon to discover, it can lead to other people believing that the 'turtler,' was suffering from a mild concussion.
"I'm telling ya cousin, I saw him hit the back of his back when he fell. That would pretty much explain his strange behavior."
"...No...I'm fine." Ron exclaimed as Joss led him to the living room couch. "Trust...me."
"Hey squirt, where do you keep the ice packs?" Slim shouted from the kitchen.
"Try the lower cabinet" James shouted back.
"Don't waste your time with the ice packs. All we need is a bit of Castor oil to rub into his scalp" Nana declared.
Shaking her head slowly, Kim let out a loud sigh as her mother flashed a pen light into Ron's eyes before asking him to count backwards from the number ten.
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10:10
"This would never have happened if you weren't acting like this was a job interview" she said.
Ron dug into what was now his second helping of Nana's peanut butter and banana gelato and popped a spoonful into his mouth. Then after placing the ice pack back on his head he turned to Kim, "This might be a blessing in disguise."
"What makes you say that?"
"One, I get to play the sympathy card tonight. Two, I get a free pass for weirdness. Anything strange I may do or say can be chalked up to temporary brain damage."
"You don't have brain damage."
"I know that," Ron gestured towards the kitchen with his thumb. "But your family doesn't."
"My mother is a brain surgeon., if she thought anything was wrong, you'd be on your way to the hospital."
Ron sank deeper into the couch as he reconsidered the situation he was in. Sensing his negative aura reemerging, Kim plopped herself on the couch next to him.
"Just be yourself."
"I think you're trying to make me cry again, KP."
"I think that our twenty four hour agreement is still in effect."
Ron was set to speak when Nana appeared before him as if she had just risen up out of the ground. "So how was it?"
He glanced quickly down at the bowl.
"Well...I...found...it to...be ..."
Kim nudged him in the ribs with her elbows.
"It was badical!" Ron blurted out.
"Badical?" Nana said with visible confusion. "I assume that is a good thing. Your generation has such a peculiar vernacular."
"Badical is a very good thing Nana," Kim nodded, then looked back at Ron. "It's also a word that has been out of style for around five years."
"I'm bringing it back," Ron shrugged. "Now Granny P, when I say badical I mean, badical in its greatest form. I can't get enough of the really ripe banana and I love the-homemade peanut butter?"
"Yes, my own secret recipe," Nana said affably.
"Secret recipe huh," Ron took another spoonful of ice cream. "One cup roasted, unsalted, shelled peanuts, one-to-three tablespoons of safflower oil, a bit of sugar to taste, and finally a sprinkling of sweetened condensed milk."
Nana's eyes glittered in a peculiar way. "Young man, I am very impressed."
"Ron's quite the cook," Kim stated proudly.
"This recipe is practically perfect," Ron announced.
"Practically?" Nana asked suspiciously
"Well, if you don't mind..." Ron stated.
"Please go ahead, a person is never too old to learn something new."
"I would suggest a few drops of lime juice," Ron replied quickly.
"Oh, I like that," Nana said as he beamed enthusiastically. "That is really good. I'll have to write that one down. Now where is my recipe book."
Nana turned on her heels and exited the room. Ron seemed to come out of a trance. He shook himself and stared at Kim as if saying, "Did that just happen?"
"See?" she said. "Just be yourself and it'll all work out."
"The night is still young K," he countered.
"You know if you got anymore self-depreciating Ron, you'd cease to exist, you'd end up vanishing like vapor into the sky."
"And no one would miss me."
Her arms folded across her chest Kim leaned back into the couch. "Except your sister."
"Yeah, well..."
"And your parents."
"Alright."
"Your old friends like Felix and Jake."
Ron sighed, "I get it."
"And your more recent friends; like for example me. I would miss you...greatly"
Ron ran his hands across his face and eventually he looked over at Kim with a smile on his face he could not suppress. "You're enjoying yourself tonight, aren't you?"
"Maybe," she said with a coy look on his face. "Are you?"
"Maybe," he conceded.
"Y'know Ron, believe it or not, I happen to enjoy your company."
"Hmmm, well at least one of us does."
Kim sighed.
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10:18
"You should have just told her that peanuts upset your stomach," Kim exclaimed while leaning with her back against the family's bathroom door.
"If I had a nickel for every time I 'should have' done something, I'd be rich enough to pay someone to invent a time machine so I can go back in time and do all the things I should have done. Still it's not like I only ate it out of politeness, I can't resist anything in ice cream form. If Ben and Jerry's came out with vanilla bean lead tomorrow I'd be the first one in line to buy it."
"Say listen, I just had a crazy thought, concerning what happened earlier tonight" Kim said softly glossing over his previous comment. "But before I'll tell you what it is, you'll have to promise that you won't get upset when you hear it."
"Um, can't this y'know wait?"
"Maybe-maybe not. So just hear me out. The thing is-"
"Kim!" Joss shouted from down the hallway. She then rushed up to her cousin, "There's a huge problem. I was going to wait for a more appropriate time to tell you this, like after your clumsy friend was gone."
"I'm still here. I can hear you-" Ron said from behind the bathroom door.
"But the longer I wait, the less time we'll have," Joss continued.
"To do what?" Kim inquired.
"Lookie here," Joss lifted her right pant leg and revealing the medical tape wrapped around her ankle. "When I was practicing my dance steps this mornin' and I slipped and sprained my ankle."
Kim bent over at the waist and quickly inspected her cousin's injury. "You can't dance with this sprain, you'll just make it worse."
"I know! That's months of practice with my dad wasted. Why it makes me as mad as...as mad as a bronco chewing on bumblebees!" Joss bellowed.
"-That sounds pretty mad-" Ron said again from behind the door.
Kim placed both hands on her cousin's shoulders. "Rein in the anger there Joss. It's going to be OK."
Joss's face turned bright pink. "My apologies cousin, when I get excited I tend...to...fall-back-on-regional-colloquialisms. But I've been working on getting as sophisticated as you are. I know one day I'm going to be a big city girl like yourself, so I've been working on my sophisticated wit."
"What?"
Placing one hand on her hip, Joss mimed taking a sip from a champagne glass. "So Gerard says to me, 'there is no such thing as bad publicity.' So I say "of course you'd say that Gerard you're a publicist!"
"-Ha!-" Ron laughed.
"That was..." Kim allowed her words to trail off.
"Wait I got one better," Joss took another sip of imaginary champagne. "The sad truth is there isn't enough closet space Upperton to hang up all of my exes."
"-I like it. It's witty and saucy-"
"A little too saucy if you ask me," Kim stated. "What have you been watching Joss?"
"Um, I've caught some episodes of Single Female Relations In The City"
"Isn't that show rated mature?"
"-As mature as Methuselah KP -"
"Joss, I don't think you should be watching that show."
"-F.Y.I Methuselah was like oldest old dude in the Torah...can't get more mature than that-"
"But it so good," Joss pleaded. "Plus there's this one character in the show Marie who is just like you cousin, except well she dresses a lot better."
Kim frowned pensively.
"-I thought it was funny anyway-"
"But that's only because she's rich. If you were rich I'd bet you'd dress better Kim."
"Uh-huh."
"Marie is just like you. She is a single woman in the city, she's a simple, open-minded girl looking for love-"
"Um."
"-But also having fun in the process. She experiences moments of both happiness in her independence and loneliness, to which most young women can relate."
"OK, OK, I get it," Kim exhaled. "We'll talk about it later but for the time being. Don't put your hands on your hip like that around your father OK? He might have a heart attack."
"That's fair, but this conversation isn't about me. It's about Nana and the performance. This was a gift from the family! That she'd miss out on it because of my stupid foot well, well that just burns my soul like a Sunday BBQ!"
"Ah colloquialisms again," Kim noted as Joss stared up expectantly at Kim.
"-Why doesn't Kim do it-?" Ron piped in over the sounds of rushing water.
Joss snapped her fingers. "Now that's an idea. Good thinking Kim."
"-Hey!-"
"I don't know," Kim said skeptically. "Nana's birthday is tomorrow that's not really enough time to practice."
"Come on Kim, with your background in cheerleading, you'll be able to pick it up the moves in no time."
"Well maybe..."
"I bet you it'll turn out better than Nana's performance. Wouldn't she be surprised at that?"
"I suppose..."
"Why, you should have been in my place from the start!"
Kim nodded quietly as she attempted to not seem as flattered by Joss' praise as she actually was. Even knowing that the dance had quite the learning curve, it in fact had taken Nana a full week of practice herself to master it, Kim couldn't help be moved by her cousin's enthusiasm. She was not one to think too highly of herself but there really was no real reason she couldn't learn the dance steps by tomorrow afternoon. A herculean task it was not, she mused. Hardly impossible; and if it was well like her father had noted since she was young anything is possible for a Possible. And unless her name had changed without her knowledge, she didn't consider herself an exception to that rule of thumb.
Kim and Joss exchanged ideas on how to streamline her "training" experience for a moment or so before the younger Possible sauntered away just as Ron emerged from the bathroom.
"You know this house has the highest quality toilet paper I've ever seen in my life."
Kim groaned, "T.M.I"
"Yeah I didn't want to say that out loud but then I thought 'ah, why not.'"
"Uh-huh, I'm not sure if I like the sound of that."
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10:30
The plan was very simple, but it was a good one nonetheless. Ron always did most of his best planning on the commode, and this time he had come up with gem. If they wanted Ron stoppable so badly he'd give them all a taste. Not enough to justify his friendship with Kim of course, but just enough for her to realize that her family's prolonged exposure to him was not in their best interest. Any normal family would quickly be turned off by his odd behavior. So he'd give them a taste of the real Ron, enough for them to find it bitter and for Kim to come to her senses.
He ventured back to the dining room and once again began fielding questions.
"Yeah I loved visiting my grandparents during the summer. But I admit I did go through a phase in my childhood where I didn't believe a word they said when they talked about their pasts. It was just that I couldn't imagine them being children. They were just so completely different from what children were, that I couldn't imagine they used to be kids. But of course for awhile there I did think the fifties were actually in black and white. I mean I thought that the entire world was in black and white, and I blame Honeymooners for that. Television really influenced my life as a child, it still does actually...I was a strange kid. But anyway my grandparents would sit me down and go, 'I recall when a hamburger cost two turnips and wheelbarrow.' And I'd just nod my head and go, yeah I get it. This is Flintstones time, tell me about stopping the car with your feet and the time the giant ribs tipped the car over..."
Joss leaned into her cousin and whispered, "I don't get it. Was that a tragic story? What was the point of it?"
With a smile on her face Kim simply shrugged. "The point is whatever you can get out of it, I guess."
James snapped his fingers loudly. "Y'know that reminds me of grumpy old man Webster who used to live in our neighborhood. You couldn't step on his lawn if you didn't know how many moons Jupiter had. Well even though he was a former member of the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics, I never did pay attention to a word he said. I had my own thoughts about the universe, and I couldn't abide by his rigid stance on orbital mechanics. Now that I think about, it he used to swear up and down to all the neighborhood children for years that the sun was hundreds of thousands of light years from the center of the galaxy. But it turns out that it's actually 23,000 light-years from its center. Boy would he have egg on his face if he were still alive."
James Possible chuckled softly to himself as the rest of the table exchanged glances. Ron was stunned by this turn of events. His miscalculation had come of course in believing that there was a standard sense of normalcy to the Possibles. There was nothing normal about this family at all and of course this seemed to be officially confirmed when Slim Possible remarked with a twinkle in his eye.
"You know, I think Squirt here and Ron are two peas in a pod."
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11:00
As they approached the midnight hour Ron decided to quit while he was ahead. Cinderella should know better than to press her luck he mused. Plus always leave them wanting more was the first rule of show business. It was this reasoning that made him reconsider returning the next day for Nana's birthday party. He bid Kim's family feeling that by his standards of success; by not making a complete fool of himself, he was walking away with a total victory. There was no need to put himself at risk again so soon. Besides it was possible the Possbiles had been over-saturated with Stoppable.
They'd certainly prefer having Nana's birthday be an immediate family affair. If he explained this to Kim carefully he was sure he could get her to understand.
"So I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Well I..." He turned to see her at the door and she beamed upon him as if, he imagined, he were a World War Two era mailman who had just brought in good news from the war front. His eyes roamed nervously around avoiding anywhere but her face. Eventually though they locked on with hers for an instant and he was briefly amazed to see that once again there wasn't any trace of the confused apprehension his behavior should have brought about in any girl of her ...caliber. And it was so bizarrely odd that she appeared to be looking at him in a pleased sort of way. Friendly even, or perhaps something more? "It had to be sisterly," he thought, because the alternative was a little too farfetched to imag-Nip it in the bud Ron, nip it in the bud.
"Yeah, of course."
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11:01
Friendship or not, Ron Stoppable had always been a sucker for a pretty face. Muttering out loud and with his feet stamping extra hard on the ground he cursed himself for having such a natural susceptibility to being charmed by the female gender. "There had to be a way out of this!" he wondered. Perhaps he could call in sick, claim an overnight bout with yellow fever. The instant he officially stepped off the Possible property and onto the sidewalk, the garage door to the house swung upwards and two identical figures darted into the front lawn. It dawned on Ron then, that he had just eaten dessert with perhaps the entire Possible clan excluding Kim's younger brothers. Obviously the two geniuses had opted out of the family gathering to work on some sort of science experiment. Ron had come to this conclusion upon seeing the boy's matching brown jumpsuits and the fact that the sleeve of Tim's elbow was currently on fire.
"I told you that gunpowder was unstable, Jim!"
Tim dived onto the grass onto the front yard and immediately broke into a roll as his brother swatted at the flames with a wet towel. Eventually they managed to snuff out the fire, breathing heavily both boys stared up at the front door of the house.
"You think they heard anything?" Tim asked as he inspected the remains of his burnt sleeve.
"Nah, dad would be out here freaking, if anyone heard anything. I think we're alright."
Ron coughed into his fist and they twirled around to find him waving at them.
"Hey," he said.
"Ah come on, what are you doing here?" Tim exclaimed.
"Your sister invited me."
"You didn't see anything!" Jim declared.
Ron pointed to Tim. "So, I didn't see his arm catch fire?"
"NO!" the twins shouted in unison. Realizing their mistake they slapped their hands over their mouths and tentatively glanced over their shoulders back at the front door.
"Now I'm not calling you guys liars or anything. But I'm pretty sure I saw-"
"OK," Tim said cutting Ron off. "Do you want something from us?"
Ron moistened his lips, "Maybe."
The twins huddled together, they whispered to each other quietly as Ron watched on. They spoke in quick quiet bursts while occasionally glancing discreetly back at him. A minute or so later they broke out of the huddle and faced Ron.
"OK, we usually don't sell out sister out like this," Tim started.
"But for you we'll make an exception." Jim concluded. "This is very useful information OK, so pay attention. Kim's 'super likes' are as follows; silver roses, orchids especially phalenopsis, art for example medieval paintings, horses, strawberry incense and sandle-root scented candles, cinema not movies cinema-"
"Wait just a sec," Tim interrupted. "That's not completely true. It's not a well known fact but she is fond of the kind of movie where there's a sensitive girl walking across the beach, y'know she has low self esteem even though she's kind of hot, and then, 'Oh look! There's a sexy vampire there.'"
"Yeah, man she really tried to keep that a secret." Jim laughed out loud as he shook his head. "Now where was I? Oh right, solving problems-not her own other people's. Italian food, meeting new people, sitting by a fire, pop music, fresh fruit slightly under ripe, researching the family tree, winning, cuddling, honesty and Integrity, taking long walks, citrus scented deodorant, mysteries, apparently adults who haven't lost 'the child inside,' and charity."
"Her extreme dislikes are as follows," Tim continued. "Cruelty towards people and animals, people who don't use turn signals, unnecessary cheapness, being powerless, heavy metal, sitting on a wet toilet seat..."
"Trust us, she hates it," Jim interrupted.
"…Spiders, flies, roaches mosquitoes and most other ugly insects," Tim rambled on. "Cluttered living spaces, morbidity, arrogance, losing, being bored, chauvinism, very heavy foods, things she's bad at for example cooking, bad poetry, slasher films, poop jokes, people who don't curb their dogs, discrimination, drinks that contain only ten percent natural juices-"
"OK, OK" Ron said throwing his hands up in the air. "I didn't really need any of this information. I don't have those kinds of fee-intentions towards your sister, OK?"
"Really? So why didn't you stop us one hundred and thirty seconds ago," Jim countered.
Ron eyes quickly cut from the tweebs to the garage. "So what are you guys working on? Science project? Building a volcano or something?"
Tim scoffed and jutted out his chin as if he had been offended. "Volcano, what are we two? Hey if you have the right parts we can build you a car if we wanted too."
"We'll totally build one when we're old enough to drive" Jim said excitedly. He then began to pull on an imaginary steering wheel. "It's going to look like we're rolling up into school in a U.F.O We'll be cruising for chicks, coastin', hitting the three wheel motion."
Ron snuck a peek at Tim's burned sleeve and wondered if the world really needed the tweebs behind the wheels of car. However he kept this thought to himself.
"Anyway we're working on something for Nana's birthday party. Top Secret, so don't ask about" Tim remarked.
"OK, I can respect that," Ron nodded. "But I do have something I must ask about. How hard is it to learn the rubber-band man dance?"
"What?" Tim asked.
Knowing he didn't have much time before he lost the twins attention Ron quickly summarized the events leading up to Kim taking her cousin's place in tomorrow's activities. It wasn't hard for Ron to see that the more he explained the more the twins faces fell. Their drooping features ended up confirming Ron's suspicions before he had even finished putting his thoughts together.
"She can't do it can she?" he concluded from their reactions.
Tim sighed apprehensively. "It's not that. It's just when Kim sets her goals in, uh, 'competition with the family,' it well, when it works out, its congratulations and sunshines of course. But when she fails, it's total funksville for her."
"She'll be ten times more irritable than she usually is," Jim said. "But it's even worse when she's not primed to tear your head off. That's when you get the nights of discrete but heavy sighs or the mopey stares out the window."
"Seriously?" Ron asked visibly surprised by these revelations.
"Listen both our parents, skipped a grade or two at some point when they were kids. Not too brag, but Tim and I got into high-school when we were only eleven. Kim did the supportive sister thing but there was something a little off about it."
Jim nodded in agreement, "it wasn't like she was jealous or anything, it was just like-the vibe was-it was like she wanted to be in our special clubhouse. Like a little girl trying to climb up into our tree fort you know? It was weird, and a little disturbing."
"Come on guys this is just a dance for her family, she can't get that much upset-" Ron stopped and a frown came to his face. He considered what the twins had just told him and then he reflected on his time with Kim and what he knew about her personality. It seemed clear that there was one simple truth that he could not deny.
"Is it the dance really that hard?"
"Get to the nearest computer and Google, "The top 50 hardest dance moves of all times," for the answer to that question," Jim answered.
"Oh crud," Ron groaned.
Tim shook his head sadly. "It's almost impossible, to learn by tomorrow "
Ron pressed his lips sternly, he was conscious of the overwhelming desire to do something. Take back his suggestion, lend a hand, something! However a) he couldn't simply stalk his way back to the Possible front door after leaving on moment's ago. A) They'd think he was nuts or nuttier than they had initially perceived. B) How in the world could he help her anyway with the performance when he was planning to not even show?
"So what are you going to do?" Tim asked.
Ron glanced anxiously down the block. "I think it's late and I should be getting home now."
"Yeah you better get some sleep, I'm sure you can figure out how to cheer her up tomorrow." Jim shrugged.
"W-wait" Ron muttered as the tweebs started back towards the garage. "What about you guys?
"We've got our own presentation for grandma to work on." Tim called out over his shoulder. "Besides it'll be easier for you to comfort her anyway, so we'll leave it to you. If we tried to help it'll get way too awkward."
"You know anything could happen between now and tomorrow it's not guaranteed I'll be able to make-"
"Oh and dark chocolate is a comfort food for her." Jim said seemingly ignoring Ron's protest. "So it will probably help if you bring some chocolate over. Anything else you want to ask about?"
"Yeah," Ron sighed with resignation. "When you guys build your car, which one of you gets to drive it first?"
The tweebs stopped in their tracks, they turned to Ron staring at him in some sort of stupor. Then they turned to each other while simultaneously muttering "I." Realizing that there would be no immediate answer to his question, Ron shrugged to himself before making his way home.
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1:00 AM
Ron turned sharply to his right and began to walk slowly around in a circle, his hands behind his back and his face bent and thoughtful. His eyes searched the shag carpeting on his bedroom floor, as if somewhere among the dust bunnies lay the right answer.
He did four laps before came to a sudden stop.
"Ah why not," he muttered to himself as pulled his cell phone from his pocket. A moment later he had sent a text flying off into cyberspace.
Hey are you awake? If not don't bother replying
He placed his phone down on his nightstand and stared at it intensely until it vibrated to life a minute or so later.
Yeah, I am. Is everything OK?
Yep, just having some trouble getting to sleep. What about you?
Still practicing for the performance.
Orly? How's that going?
OK
Ron brought the cell up to his face. Reading between the lines, "OK," could have meant a number of things ranging from "Ok," and "Hellish Nightmare," depending on how much of her pride Kim was willing to swallow. Well if it was this bad, then there was no need for him to beat around the bush.
Maybe I can help. You already know about my mad dance skills so how about I drop by?
You want to come by in the morning?
Actually I was thinking about right now.
You are kidding right? It's one in the morning.
It's only 10 in Alaska.
Are you sure that your head is OK?
Never felt better. I just talked to Napoleon and he said he never spoke to a sharper man in his life.
lol XD
Did U really "lol" or are you just saying that to be polite?
It was a 100% genuine lol, trust me.
Sweet, in exchange for your laughter I'll take some honestly. Is the practice really going OK?
Ron placed the phone back on the nightstand and simply waited. Lying back in his bed, Ron closed his eyes and wondered what in the world was he doing. This went completely against all his delicately honed survival instincts. Going back to Kim's house, in the middle of the night? With her parent's under the same roof? With a party looming that he was desperately trying to avoid? Nothing about this made any sense! Why wasn't he asleep, why was he worrying? Worrying about her? Why did he tell Kim about Cynthia? After five minutes of intense monologue-ing the sound of his cell sliding across wood brought Ron back to reality.
You've Googled the Rubber band man dance haven't you?
It's in the top 25 KP. The top 25!
I admit, it's petty hard. I practically fell right on my face a half an hour ago. I'd like to think I can get it down by morning but I'm not so sure anymore.
One more question are U having any fun doing this?
No
Aw Crud he thought. He was right, she was in trouble! For the first time in a long time he had made a correct assumption about a woman! She could have at least lied and let him off the hook, but then again he did ask for honesty. Dammit, what kind of world was this that a person could ask for honesty and receive it? It wasn't the world he was used to that's for sure.
You don't really have to do it right? Nana probably would understand if u couldn't learn the dance in one night.
She would and I know I don't have to do this but I still do.
Ron stared quizzically at his phone. What did that mean? He pondered.
You know it's supposed to be fun right, a fun little thing for your family.
Yeah
But ur not having any fun?
No
So let me come over.
Why?
Because Misery loves company. Because two heads are better than one or a bird in hand is worth two in the bush… because I want to help you!
I appreciate the concern and not to make light of your extra mad dancing skills. But I think I can figure this out on my own.
Ron sighed; it was time to bring out the big guns.
U made me cry, KP.
Oh come on, that's not fair!
I was just saying in case you forgot, the way u made me cry. U remember that right? When I was sobbing like a little girl on your shoulder :)
Oh you are evil!
Yet forgiving ;)
OK, give me half an hour. I'll sneak you in
Confusion on his face Ron slipped the phone back into his pocket. Half an hour?
Still Ron felt curiously lighthearted as he walked towards his bedroom door.
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1:05 AM
After tossing her phone to the side Kim confronted her reflection in the bedroom mirror and started to giggle, partly because of how awful she looked, flushed wild eyed and sweaty due to the damningly frustrating dance routine - and partly because of how suddenly anxious she was feeling.
Suddenly sighed and shook hear had. It was a sure sign that something strange was going on when you find yourself giggling at your reflection in the mirror.
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1:33 AM
By the time she had slipped out of her "back home," Lisa Simpson pajamas; redistributed a respectable amount of deodorant and antiperspirant under arms; added a layer of citrus body spray to her skin; combed her hair and picked the "private wear" off the ground of her bedroom floor and stuffed it into her closet; she had deduced the cause of her underlying anxiety.
Standing before the front door of her house Kim drew in a deep breath as adrenaline coursed dizzyingly through her body. Friendship or not, and even though she was a mature, adult woman, she was still sneaking a boy into her room, in the middle of the night, while the rest of her family slept soundly close by.
There was something wrong, but still exciting about.
Berating herself for acting childish Kim shook the feeling off in similar fashion to a wet dog. Glancing out the top window of the front door, Kim discovered that she wasn't the only one feeling anxious. Ron stood for a few moments on the edges of the driveway staring at the house. Then as if a whip had lashed at his back, he shot forward towards the house. He had cut the distance between himself and house in half before becoming immobile again. Then like a gazelle approached a watering hole, he took a few more steps forward while his head swiveled back and forth, in a frantic search for any sign of danger. Eventually he made it to the steps only to jump backwards, and following that with a quick scamper back to the sidewalk.
Kim took out her phone and fired off a quick text.
I can see you from the door. What are you doing?
The phone vibration obviously startled Ron as he was in mid-step judging by the way he fell flat on his face. Kim watched as he pulled out his phone. She received a message a moment later.
What is anyone doing in the grand scheme of life?
Kim groaned, if Ron kept up his tango routine in front of the house, he was liable to grab the attention of the neighborhood watch. She opened the door and simply waved him forward. His feet barely touching the ground Ron sprinted forward and slipped through the crack in the door. Breathing heavily, he stood facing Kim in the bottle neck space in the hallway just beyond the doorway and right before the house opened up into the living room. Panic was written on Ron's face, but Kim found that she was oddly touched. It wasn't hard to realize that Ron despite the anxiety attack he seemed to be having was prepared to do anything possible to help her.
"You have something on your face," Kim whispered.
"Probably some dirt or gravel. I kind of did kiss the ground a few seconds ago."
"Let me," she said.
With her right hand she gently scrapped the grime off his forehead and cheeks. And quite impulsively, to the point that she didn't realize what she was doing until it was over, she leaned forward and blew some dirt from his eye.
"Thanks," Ron squeaked.
"No big," Kim said as she wondered what had just happened.
There was a pause.
"Nice night huh?" Kim remarked.
"Beautiful."
"The moon."
"Yeah."
"The sky."
"Yep."
"I like the spring."
"So do I."
Someone coughed.
"So you want to come up to my room?"
"Yes!" Ron placed his hand over his face. "I really didn't mean to sound that excited."
Kim glanced down noticing the excessive bulge in Ron's right pocket. "What's that?"
"Oh that's...Well my mom had some chocolate laying around."
1:40 AM
Deftly Tim attached the rubber hose to the end of the faucet in the kitchen. His eyes trailed the length of the hose all the way to the door leading into the garage a moment before he turned the water up on high. There would be a doozy of a water bill coming in the near future but it was well worth it for this year's surprise.
Through the corner of his eyes Tim saw his brother enter the kitchen.
"Hey guess what-?"
Tim swiftly brought his pointer finger to his lips. Apparently his brother had forgotten that Nana was currently in the guest room closest to the kitchen. Having been trained in the military meant that no one in the house was a lighter sleeper than Nana. They were still working on their project and the last thing they needed was the adults forcing them to bed.
"So who was walking around upstairs?" Tim whispered. "Was dad going to the bathroom again?"
Jim shook his head. "I just saw Kim was sneaking Ron up to her room."
"Wow," Tim muttered after a moment's reflection. "I didn't think he'd show up until day light."
Jim leaned against the kitchen counter. "If I didn't know what this was all about. I'd probably be grossed out."
Tim agreed wholeheartedly and he was about to express this sentiment when he perceived Nana standing beside him.
"Holy!" Tim shouted inwardly as he took a mini leap backwards.
Jim was also clearly taken aback by her presence. "How long have you been awake Nana?"
"Since I heard whispers and footsteps coming from upstairs" Nana replied. "Now if I heard you correctly Jim, you said Kim has escorted Ron up to her room in the middle of the night?"
"Uh...Maybe."
Nana frowned. She seemed to be deploring the scandalous sensibilities of today's modern woman.
"Whoa, it's not like that," Tim said after hazarding a guess at his grandmother's thoughts. Realizing that the honest truth was leagues better than the alternative, he quickly revealed Kim replacing Joss and their subsequent exchange with Ron.
Nana took a seat at the kitchen table once Tim had finished clarifying the situation.
"So you assume there is no hanky panky?"
"At least not tonight," Jim groaned with a look of disgust on his face.
Which promptly caused his brother to smack him in the back of the head.
"What Jim is saying is, nothing is going to happen here. To be honest Nana, Kim and Ron are, what people way back when, would call complete squares."
"Total squares, they have four equal sides and four equal angles" Jim added.
Tim nodded, "Their areas can be found by multiplying the base times themselves... squares, Nana...goody two shoes to the squared degree."
Nana put her hand up in the air. "I understand what you're trying to say."
She then briefly glanced up at the ceiling. "I also understand that Kim would absolutely take any lack of success in this event completely to heart. That girl is far too competitive for her own good."
"That's why it was our idea, to have Ron smooth everything over, as y'know a friend" Jim declared. "He's here to help."
"Can he help?" Nana inquired.
"Definitely, Ron's a good guy. And we can prove it; you want the print out of the background check we ran for dad? Tim asked.
"We have transcripts of their conversation we took when we stayed over at Kim's place" Jim started.
"-Copies of their email-" Tim continued.
"-A Video compilation of them hanging out. Enough for a mini documentary we're gonna call an exercise in self denial-"
"You boys don't have much respect for your sister's privacy do you?" Nana interrupted.
"Think of it this way, we're keeping an eye on her, y'know," Jim shrugged.
"Yeah, totally," Tim tagged on.
"What I'm gleaming from this," Nana said as straightened up in her seat. "You boys are vouching for Ron's character, I imagine you like him very much."
The tweebs exchanged glances and shrugged. "Maybe," they said unison.
"Hmmm getting shy all of a sudden?"
Jim scratched at his cheek. "He's kind cool-alright I guess. Better than Kim's other dates. And y'know the thing is-"
"-She's happy when he's around. That's obvious," Tim concluded.
"Well now," Nana smiled. "It just gets more and more interesting."
A/N Slowly but surely eh? Hope you liked it. I know I dragged my feet with this one but hopefully you all are not too upset. So read and review. Tell me what you think, you can even yell at me for taking too long :)