Chapter 10:Cracked too wide

I decided a shower was in order, I got up and out of Bella's room and ran and got my bag from down stairs before I ran back and into the bathroom.

I was surprised I did all that without tripping; I threw my clothes off and turned the water on as hot as I could stand and just let it run down me.

I washed my hair and shut the water off as I got out I heard the phone ring.

"shit" I said looking around the bathroom for something, I saw one of Charlie's T-shirts hanging on the door knob so I quickly threw it on and ran down the stairs, of course tripping on the last one and falling falt on my face.

I got up and ran-hopped the rest of the way, I held the shirt closed with one hand and I picked up the phone.

"Hello Swan residence" I said.

"Hey…is my dad there? Charlie" I heard a girl ask.

"Um…no, he isn't here right now he's at work" I said I was glad I couldn't hear people's thoughts over the phone because I could not imagine what was going through this girls head right now.

"Who is this?" she asked.

"No one important" I said not knowing if Charlie would want this girl, his real daughter, to know about me.

"Why are you at Charlie's house?" she asked.

"He's letting my stay here for a bit" I replied.

"How long"

"I don't know, whenever he kicks me out" I said shrugging even though she couldn't see me. It was Bella I assumed.

"How old are you?" she asked.

"16" I said vaguely thanking on saying 12.

"Oh…well can you tell Charlie I phoned, it's important" she said.

"Sure" I replied.

"Bye" she said.

"Sure" I said then I hung up not wanting to say anymore, I was getting colder.

I wrote down that she phoned and left it on the counter for Charlie when he got home.

I slowly walked back to the bathroom; I was tired now after I have a shower I'm always tired. Mom said it was probably the hot water because I'm always cold.

I just slipped on my underwear and went to lie down in the nearest bed, which was Charlie's.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I guess Charlie brought home a pizza for supper because that was what I smelled when I woke up around 3o'clock the next day.

I got up and stumbled down the stairs holding the railing so I wouldn't fall.

The pizza was cold now but with my senses I was able to smell it from upstairs. I glanced in the kitchen at the open box sitting on the counter and then I continued to the living room that had evidence that Charlie had slept there last night.

I wonder why he didn't wake me up; I shrugged and went to go have some pizza.

I sat in the dark lit kitchen eating the cold pizza. It was once again a cold, windy, dark day.

"At least I didn't have to go to school today…I'll ask Charlie if I can just start again next week…its too soon…at least I can avoid some things like…seeing the Cullen's…maybe I can work on that song I thought of on the drive here" I said talking to myself.

I Inherited a lot of things from my mom, talking to myself was one of them,

I finished a couple pieces of pizza and went back up stairs; I noticed I still only had Charlie's shirt on so I went to the bathroom where my bag still was lying on the floor.

I forced myself not to grab the knife that sat there in my bag just calling out to me. Instead I grabbed a clean t-shirt, it was black with the words Nickelback across it in white splatered paint dad and I always went to concerts so I had a lot of these kinds of things. I grabbed a pair of nice white jeans; they clung to my legs good.

I turned and faced the mirror; I had taken to getting dressed facing away from it, but know I wanted to move on. I wanted to look at my eyes; I wanted to see my mom in me.

I stood there looking at every inch of me I could to put off my eyes as long as I could.

I looked and gasped, now I know why they couldn't look at me, my eyes were exactly like moms, the same fierce, gentle, deep blue. I hadn't looked at my own eyes for over 6 months now.

I looked myself over again after a couple minutes of staring into my eyes. I looked tired, weak, fragile, and so many other things that people here don't know, I was paler then usual; I was thankful my eyes showed nothing and if I forced myself I could actually smile.

I was glad I inherited dad's ability to lie, because as aunt Prue has said many times before "Halliwell's can't lie," well we can but we're not that good at it. We're good when it comes to our secret though, I believe that's the only thing we can do, we can lie to protect ourselves.

I think I looked better then I did yesterday. I looked around and saw a scale in the corner; I walked over and stood on it.

I weighed about 79 pounds now; I needed to at least gain 30 pounds to be a little healthier. Another thing I got from mom, I wasn't able to keep weight on, also my stupid heart and the fact I was born 3 months too early made it a little harder.

I bit my lip and jumped up a little making the arrow go up a little more when I landed but it just went right back to where it was. I got off and went to the mirror again, looking into my eyes hoping to find my mother somewhere in them.

Nobody see's what I'm hiding and no one ever will…because they don't look, they'll see when it's too late though…just like J.T. did.

"I try to believe," I said continuing my train of thought out loud, "that God doesn't give you more than one little piece of the story at once. You know the story of your life. Otherwise your heart would crack wider than you could handle. He only cracks it enough so you can still walk, like someone wearing a cast. But you've still got a crack running up your side, big enough for a sapling to grow out of. Only no one sees it. Nobody sees it. Everybody thinks you're one whole piece, and so they treat you maybe not as gentle as they would if they could see that crack." I said to myself.

I smiled but it didn't reach my eyes, her eyes, our eyes, I was starting to think she was in me. Like I should count as two people, I feel her, but I can't see her.

God gave me too much; my heart is broken, cracked, beyond repair. Even more then it was before.