I find it ironic that at the peak of my being the embarrassment child, my mother just announced that she is 3 months pregnant. Because 3 months is the traditional time to announce it to people, or something.
I always kinda wanted a sibling. Just seemed fun to have another kid in the house, or quarters, depending on the phase of my life. Sure, by this time I'd be more of a third parent than a buddy, but it is what it is. I should enjoy myself now before I get bogged down with having to help babysit and stuff.
So, anyway, I'm playing Dungeons and Dragons with Wes. We've combined the traditional game— medieval fantasy adventure— with the modern version— space adventure. And that works out as our characters bouncing around our fictional galaxy with some medieval-themed planets.
"You approach a cave. Do you go in the cave or move on?" Wes narrated.
"Go in!" I say. Maybe it's because it's fictional, but I am the opposite of cautious in this game.
I roll. We go in.
"There is a pack of wild Targs." He starts.
"Can I pet the Targs?" I love how you can do basically anything in this game.
"Sure." He replies, entertained. "Roll for… petting."
I roll.
"You go to pet the Targs and one bites your arm off."
"Oh darn." I reply sarcastically. Now I have one arm.
That's when this weirdo appeared.
"Good afternoon gentlemen!" He says with a goofy grin, walking over to us. He puts one hand between my shoulders and one between Wes'. "Who's winning?"
Before we could answer, all of our surroundings disappeared. It felt like going through a transporter.
We are in Medieval Europe, surrounded by pristine countryside. What the Hell.
"Who are you?" I ask, glaring at him.
"You don't know who I am? Some parents you have." He scoffed.
"Answer the question." I press.
"My my, so… abrasive are we. No paternity test needed." The man mocks. He snaps his finger and I'm suddenly in a copy of my dad's uniform.
I glare at him.
"Adorable!" He says.
"No." I reply. This is humiliating.
"Would you like this better?" He snaps his fingers again and suddenly i'm in a copy of that turquoise long-skirted uniform my mom sometimes wears.
"Not that your mother's genes won this round… but I still see it." He says mockingly.
"Wearing someone else's uniform is against the law." I reply.
"Since when does Alexander Riker care about the law?" He swoons, with a weird emphasis on my name. Which he somehow knows?
"Stop picking on him!" Wes speaks up.
"Silence Crusher!" He commands. He snaps his finger and puts him in a copy of his mothers uniform. Lab coat included.
"Cuuute." He grins. This feels so infantilizing and condescending.
"Now, gentlemen, we are going to play a game." He pauses and snaps his finger, putting our clothes back to what they were. "It will be a game of skill, of luck, of grit, of a lot of things!"
"I have to be somewhere at 7." I snap. It's Friday. Dinner with Cap.
"I'm going to let them know." He replies with this tone that one would use with a furry animal or small child. "They'll understand."
"You still haven't told us who you are!" I retort.
"Well, if you must know, I am the all-powerful Q. I am popular amongst this ship. I come to play and teach lessons along the way!"
"And you're teaching what exactly…?" I really want him to hurry this up.
"You two need to play my game. You both have things you need to improve on."
"What's in it for us?" Wes asks.
"You will both get to choose a reward at the end if you win."
"And if we lose?" I add.
"No prize! Don't worry, you can't die here. Only flesh wounds! Let's begin! Your dice, boys."
Two 12-sided dice materialized in his hand.
"We're supposed to have more than one." Wes says, taking his.
"Oh that's such a fuss. One is ok." Q brushes him off. "You 16-year-olds are so pushy! Now, you two are the perfect team. We have the rational, calculating Crusherling and the charismatic, sassy Rikerling. You two are like Spock and Kirk." He pauses briefly. "If you have been paying attention in history class." He adds with some patronizing sass.
"We know who they are." I say, shakily.
"Wonderful!" He replies, jauntily. He snaps and I'm suddenly in a copy of Kirk's uniform while Wes is in a copy of Spock's.
Q pus his hand on my shoulder. "You always wanted to be full human." He whispers. "Now Wes gets to be the mixed one."
Not that Wes was actually turned into a Vulcan. He was just in the Vulcan's clothes.
"Now let the games begin! In my version, you do not need the dice to walk, only for actions!" Q is getting on my nerves. And he disappears.
We begin walking. It would have been pretty if I wasn't also secretly terrified. We walked for what felt like an hour before reaching the woods. Q reappears.
"So, gentlemen. Do you wish to go in the woods?" He stands in front of us.
"Yes." Wes nods.
"Yes." I back him up.
"Roll!"
We roll. I get a 10, Wes gets a 12.
"Looks like you safely enter the woods!" Q grins and disappears. We walk for what must have been 30 or 40 minutes. There is a mother wolf with her pups. They're adorable.
Q reappears. "Now now now… what do we have hear? Dogs?" He raises his eyebrows. "Looks like you can't keep walking without disturbing them. And you don't wanna rouse mama!"
I try to speak. Q puts his vertical pointer finger over my mouth in a shushing gesture. "Now now now Alexander don't get your arm bitten off!"
That's it. I grab his arm and get it in a lock. Before I could get him on the ground he magically makes me shackled to a tree.
"Alexander, how could you? That hurt my feelings!" He said with fake puppy dog eyes.
"Wes, looks like you're battling this alone." Q turns to him.
Wes rolled and safely got by the wolves.
Q walked up to me and uses his hand to lift my chin up to force eye contact.
"Can we behave now Amzadi?" He sarcastically asks. "Or do we need to skip another turn?"
The fact he said Amzadi makes me want to punch him. Only one person is allowed to call my that.
"Sure." I mumble.
"Wonderful!" He snaps and I'm free. "Onward!" He disappears again.
We make it to the edge of the forrest, and that's when we see a huge castle. At least now we know where to walk.
And after walking for what felt like 45 minutes, we could tell that this castle was guarded by two huge dragons and a lava moat. A little over the top. But that seems to be this Q guy's style.
We keep walking. Before we get super close, Q appears again.
"Hello again!" He says with annoying enthusiasm. "You're so close to the big stuff, this is exiting!"
"Are we going to be done soon?" I ask. It's gotta be close to dinner, if it hasn't already started. Besides, I'm hungry.
"Why the rush?" He replies with a grin that makes it sound like he knows exactly why I'm in a rush.
"I have a formal dinner to be at."
"Oh I know." He grins. "It started 10 minutes ago. I told them. You should have seen the looks on their faces. Baby Riker on his first Q adventure! Anyway, you're going to want to go into the castle. There are two dragons, one for each of you! Unless you want to relegate the role of dragon slayer to one person while the other focuses on saving the princess! She's not real, but any injuries you sustain are!"
Of course.
"How about we zip ahead?" Q grins. He snaps and we are just at the edge of the moat. The dragons are on the other side.
"Good luck gentlemen!" He says with a joking sparkle before vanishing.
We're gonna need it.