(a/n) I am more than a million times sorry this has taken so long to update. I got hit by a freaking car, and lets just say between that, my two kids, my husband, and my brother I have been extremely busy. It'll stay updated regularly now.

Serenity, peace, the joy in a Christmas morn, that feeling after you watch It's a Wonderful Life, when a pair of shoes fits perfectly, not having time to study and making an A, when you stay up late in the night to excited to sleep and wake up with the utmost energy for your day. This is how I felt when I started to lull myself out of sleep the following morning. I stayed in a semi-conscious state for some time. Assuming that had I been fully awake I would have had a heart attack, anxiety attack, or a major meltdown. There is also the potential that all three would occur as well.

I felt as though I was waking up from a dream. Something of a dream, something that wasn't completely real. Something that held me in that semi-conscious state, holding me in a half dream state. Semi consciousness took me over placing me in a haven. It was probably to help me sort out my feelings and decisions from the previous day. It wasn't odd to dream of him. I always did. That wasn't even close to being a surprise. I had been dreaming of him for so many years I can't remember the last time I didn't. I found myself, warm, sedated, and extremely at ease. I was in the arms of a man I would always see as an angel. Someone I would never get over because he consumed my soul. A found myself joking to my subconscious about a joke containing Sarah McLachlan, mocking my by singing Angel. I felt myself smile, and started coming out of my induced coma. Realizing that I was more awake, but still felt arms wrapped around mine.

My first thought was to question my sanity. I hadn't even opened my eyes yet. I then questioned if I was really awake. I opened my eyes. My room was still mostly dark due to the blackout curtains that I insisted on having for good reason. Since I definitely knew that I was not losing my mind again I decided it would be best if I didn't just all out freak out. I had been really upset last night; I retraced my mind to come up with a memory of me getting tanked. I didn't feel a pounding in my skull. I couldn't come up with a memory of any alcohol even though it was a perfect night for parties last night. I questioned if I had in fact asked someone to my room last night. I wracked my brain for a clue of it. I couldn't come up with a reason for someone to be there.

I felt my heart accelerate, and started to panic. There are many reasons for memory loss, but to me it's more than that. It's what started my way to the asylum. I would have blackouts from memories that I was too terrified of, or that I was too scared of the decisions that I made. I couldn't remember finding my way back home, or the decisions that I had made to make me have a terrible decision forced upon me. One I couldn't force myself to think about at that particular moment. It would destroy me, and I couldn't let it take hold of me while I was lying in unfamiliar arms.

It wasn't until I allowed my senses to open up that a familiar scent clouded me. The smell of alcohol, was familiar, cigarettes, and the fact there was hint of something sweeter and something I knew made my stomach curl. It was the scent of cinnamon. My favorite scent since I was a little girl. Something that I loved because it was what my love loved. He loved it in his coffee, and his hot chocolate when we were younger.

While my stomach started to turn and I could feel another recess of my mind trying to calm down the parts of me that were threatening to scream. I wanted to analyze my situation in that recess. I wanted to stake claim that I was just fine. For all I knew I blacked out and invited him in. I did the casual deep sigh that is far too often seen in movies to allow the other party to prepare for the upcoming interaction between both parties.

I had to fight the urge to lie back into his arms and sigh with relief. I had to find some will power to do what had to be done instead of give in to the thoughts that had been inside of me since adolescence. I knew he was awake even without looking at him. It's just one of those things that you can sense. Sometimes you just know. I shifted and rolled over. Letting his arms to the extremely natural tense around my shoulders. I found myself face to face with the only person who has always seemed to haunt my dreams.

His eyes were closed but he was very awake. Clearly giving me the space I needed to find my own way of reacting to his presence in my room. For whatever reason I couldn't stop the silent war waging in my mind to decide exactly how I was going to respond. I seem to have had ample time by now, but I'm fragile in his presence, and he's no less fragile than I am even if he is damned to not show it to me.

Maybe this was his way of showing his fragility, I contemplated. What else was it? We had never crossed any barrier of friendship besides allowing him the room to roam over my life because as merciless as I was with the rest of the world I wasn't able to stand against him. I retraced my steps from my memory of last night. I had gone to his room and left his gift. I walked back to my dorm fighting back tears that threatened to give me away to the general public. After opening my door with some haste, and turning off my phone that wouldn't stop going off. The constant ringing that I was bound to ignore not in any mood to answer for anyone. I pulled out a little journal and wrote profusely with tear stained cheeks, and eventually collapsed on my bed and fell asleep. I had hoped that a good night's sleeps would allow me the clarity and peace of mind I was going to need to continue on a rocky path with Arnold. Only to wake and find him in my bed with me. That wasn't exactly the clarity and understanding that I was looking for, but if I was one to believe in superstition then I would believe that this was destined to be a sign from up above.

…

Deep breaths. Inhale and exhale. I've been awake for quite some time. I never sleep anymore. Not the way I should. I haven't been able to sleep soundly since that day, and some wouldn't be able to blame me. I slept for a short amount of time. My dreams lingering in the movie I had watched, trying to sort out feelings that I was unsure of. My subconscious kept trying to remind me of a man that I once was, or of the person that I was to become. My nightmare took over of the man that I am. The one who wasn't worth a copper coin. I was the man who wasn't able to find happiness because a part of me that held light had been severely snuffed out. I'm not anything anymore in my dreams but a hollow shell of a person who could have made a difference. Instead I am a person who is draining the seconds, minutes, and years out of a body who could be more use to someone else.

Nightmares of myself are what wake me. What soothes me are the memories that led me to be in the bed of hers. The memories keep me from springing from the bed and devouring myself in some form of fix. I had enough time to contemplate my situation while the time ticked by. It wasn't new for me to be in the bed of someone else, with skin to skin to someone else. I had never slept in the bed with them, I had never allowed myself to stay despite the begging, and never allowed them to stay.

I was able to contemplate my current emotions, and to decide for myself if I had in fact acted rashly. If I had jumped the gun in coming here. It had been a surge of emotion, and since it had been sometime since I was able to decipher what I was feeling I was left in a lost state. I had come to zero conclusions when she gave the signal that she was awake. After she turned over I kept my eyes closed as though waiting for further instruction. I felt the slightest amount of pressure that could rival a feather. That pressure moved hair off of my forehead in a welcoming gesture. Though the sign was never there, and I know that she would never let me know it, she was acting as though treading over water. She had always been different, incredibly intelligent, and extremely sure of herself. I couldn't understand why she'd tread water. The girl I had always known had never known fear, at least not outright. She had given me my cue to "wake" so I couldn't feign sleep anymore.

"Hello." she said happily.

"Good Moring." I said giving off my award winning smile.

"So, coffee?" she said not making anything of the situation.

I nodded in agreement. She threw back her comforter and walked over to the Keurig and started up the machine. While she found a way to busy herself, and stall the conversation that we would eventually have to have, I simply watched. I didn't understand her thought process. There was something that I was missing even if I didn't know what it was.

In all honesty though there was always more to this girl than met the eye. My curiosity was peaked, and she didn't just give answers away. She came and sat back down beside me with two cups, and she had made mine the way I always do. This was more proof that she was a lot more intelligent than people had ever given her credit for.

"Well Saturday morning, it's good I don't have a class or I would have overslept." she said smiling in her cup.

"Me too." I said taking a sip.

"Well from what I gather you had been awake for a while, but I appreciate you not waking me." She said in a pleasant tone.

"Really the big question is what I am going to do with a whole day. I have some paintings to finish and that would be a good time. I'm all caught up on school." She said laughing.

She's good at the niceties, but I am curious. "So should I be holding out for you to yell at me?" I asked quickly.

"Nope. It's not my thing." She said.

"You're not angry?" I asked.

"Nope. It's not the first time strange things have happened." She said.

She got up and set her cup down. She started tidying up the mess she had left out last night. She was very careful not to let me see what she was doing though I had already seen. In essence in this moment she hid more than I did. She just handled her feelings different than I did. I wondered how I had never noticed that I was an object of her affections, especially with the kind of person that I was.

I found some courage in me. Regarding her would always be different. She turning her fire on as I stood. I reached out and swung her around by her arm, my height towering over her. The small, minuscule flicker of fear in her eyes wasn't enough to stop me. It wasn't enough to stop the motion that I had made. My mouth crashing into hers. Her eyes popped open wide, and fluttered shut, allowing me to then close mine. She was different than the others in a way that shook me to my core. She fought me, forced me to keep up with her, now allowing me to just take control.

It seemed as though it took us half a second to end up lying on her bed with her underneath me. What should have turned out to be a very passionate morning, forced me to stop. I wasn't going to do this to her, not now. She was the only girl in my life that I had any respect for. Though my carnal urges were egging for me to go on I had to pull away.

When I stood up, and walked two step back she guarded her eyes so I couldn't see. I didn't want to make her feel unwanted, but I had to leave before I started again. "This is not the time, I'm not going to do to you what I have done to others. Please understand." I said.

I bent down and mustered a gentlemanly kiss on the hand, and left. I left knowing the monster in my head may take over, but I may be able to face my demons someday.