I promised myself—and you guys—that I'd have this chapter up way faster. And I have, right? Besides, it was a pretty short—though meaningful—one, anyway. I know you all are dying to hear what the letter said. I'm kind of surprised, actually. I didn't consider it such a huge part of the story when I was thinking about it in my head, but in retrospect, I guess it is. Anyway, here you go. Chapter eleven. I think this might be my favorite title so far, even though it's the shortest chapter. It's barely eight pages. O.O Short!

Oh, by the way, I made some mistakes with the ages of Leah and Melanie last chapter. Leah is twenty and Melanie is seven, and that hasn't changed. Sorry about that!

IX

LOOK AT ME. DOES IT REALLY LOOK LIKE I CAN TAKE ANY MORE HEARTBREAK. DIDN'T THINK SO.

Dear Leah,

Please don't be mad at me for sending you this. I made Jared tell me how to find you after Seth brought you your things that day. They've been keeping an eye on you, don't ask me how. Don't be angry with them, either. It's not their fault.

Ever since I heard you left, I've been beating myself up about it. Not literally, but it hurt bad enough. You know I've always felt awful about how things ended with us—how I left you. If I could have, I would have stayed with you forever. I know you would have, too.

But, well, you know what happened. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't something I could control. I know you may not want to hear this, but I love you. I still do. I always will. Please come back, Lee-lee. I'm sorry for everything and I miss you.

Sam

Tears blurred my vision as I reread Sam's letter for the hundredth time. It made my heart ache to see the words written—I love you—in his handwriting, as they had appeared on every note he'd sent me, that I'd kept in a box in my closet. That I'd burned after we'd ended it.

At first, I could feel nothing but sadness and regret. Regret because both of us knew that we could have been great. Should have been. And sadness because we weren't.

I sat in the Queen Suite of Castle Rock's motel with the letter open in my lap. The sadness was gone, only to be replaced by white-hot fury. How dare he send me this now? Didn't he think it was bad enough that I knew he loved me, but that it paled in comparison to how he felt about Emily? Did he know how many nights I'd fallen asleep with my phone clutched to my chest, praying that it would ring? Praying that he would call and say it was all a mistake, that he wanted me back.

I had been beginning to get over him. To heal myself. It hadn't been easy. I had very nearly forgotten him, not completely, but it didn't hurt so much anymore to think about him. Sure, it was still hardest to remember all of the happy times, but it was much easier now than it had been.

And then, as always, Fate just had to step in and ruin it. In such little time everything, the new life that I'd built for myself had crumbled. I felt like screaming, so I bit down on my tongue. Hard. I tasted blood in my mouth.

Pain flooded through me, half from the ache in my mouth and half from the agony of the letter. It hurt worse than a punch in the stomach, and its strength surprised me. I nearly keeled over. I lay on my bed and stared up at the ceiling.

All of the things that I thought about soon drew me back to Evan. Evan. As much as it pained me to do it, I reread the letter that I'd already memorized. There was nothing on there that revealed too much about my past. Nothing that gave me away as a liar. Besides, I didn't remember ever outright lying about anything, just covering things up. Hiding them.

So what was Evan talking about, then? Trying to see the letter objectively, all I could figure out was that Sam and I loved each other and that maybe we'd broken up. It did mention something about Seth and Jared, but he wouldn't have any idea who they were.

What was his problem? I was entitled to a past, wasn't I? I couldn't find anything in the letter that would have spurred such a massive reaction. Confusion overtook me, blinding everything else. I was suddenly curious. Why was he so angry?

I was still hugely pissed at him, too. What kind of person reads your private stuff? I was a little bit appalled that I could have considered him in a romantic way, but a tiny part of me knew that I still did.

I stood up and walked to the window, parting the curtains. Light streamed in through the glass, momentarily blinding me. It hadn't been this bright since I'd arrived in Castle Rock, almost a month ago.

It seemed paradoxical, too. I hadn't been this despaired since I'd arrived her, and now the sun was out and it appeared to be a perfect, Kodak-moment day. God, the universe was stupid, though I guessed that there was some little kid out there on a merry-go-ground having the best day of his life, pretty happy about the sun and clear sky. It wasn't all about me.

Of course I knew that. How could I not, after all I'd been through? It seemed like I was back to square one—depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

No. I would not let myself become that person again. That Leah was dead, and I hoped that she would never be resurrected. I would never let myself go back to that place, alone and bitter. I would never be the harpy. Never again.

But where was I now? In some strange in between place. I wasn't the bitter harpy, but I wasn't at the exciting, caught-up-in-life place a normal twenty-year-old should be.

News flash: I wasn't normal. And I never would be. But I had finally found a place where I'd fit in, and then it had been cruelly snatched from me. Again. Whenever I found a place of solace, it was taken away. Time after time. History repeated itself in a cruel circle.

And I still couldn't believe it about Evan. How could he have done that, and why? I was furious at him for ruining what I'd had, but mostly, I was angry at myself. I knew I should have told him, not waited for him to find out on his own. Yet I still didn't understand what I should've said. I didn't think any words could have softened the blow:

"Yeah, well, I was pretty much a loser before. My boyfriend left me for my cousin. My dad died. Everyone thought I was a huge bitch. Still want me?"

No. I could never have said that, at least not in that way. I could just picture Evan slowly backing away as I told him. It almost made me laugh, until I remembered how angry I was with him. I still couldn't believe it: how could he?

Besides, he had no reason to be angry with me. I wasn't obliged to tell him about my past, especially not considering the quality of it. I'd given him enough information to trust me, at least. He knew my name, where I was from, and my position in my old pack. What else could he have wanted to know?

If I were a normal person, in a normal situation, that would have been enough. But neither of us were normal. And it was hard enough to trust people in this world, what with all of the freaking mythical creatures wandering around. Not only did I have to remember the regular social norms, but also what was socially acceptable in werewolf culture. God.

I shut the curtains with unnecessary force and sat back down on my bed. How did everything get so screwed in just one day? Melanie was hospitalized, and Evan, or as I'd christened him, Super Snoop, wasn't speaking to me.

Super Snoop. Very mature, Leah. Was my whole metamorphosis totally trashed now; had I reverted back to my old self? Or was I just being overly dramatic? Either way, I felt like absolute crap.

And Sam. As much as I hated to admit it, I had missed him. It would have been impossible to forget Sam, but these few weeks had been the closest to closure I'd ever been. But it didn't matter anymore. Because Sam was still Sam. The last few weeks had been free of contact, giving me the illusion that I'd truly forgotten. But it was just a mirage, a mind trick.

Sam was still Sam. And I still loved him.

So it seemed that nothing had changed. The weeks that I'd spent here had meant nothing in the long run. They'd been a break from reality, but now that I'd returned to the real world, everything was just as cruel as when I'd left it.

Without any warning, tears washed down my cheeks and dripped onto the flowered bedspread. A kind of aching began in my chest, like a severe case of heartburn, only worse. Except not that kind of pain. A shattering, splitting, cracking pain. Like my heart was breaking.

Could a heart break twice? Was it possible that history was repeating itself? Would I just be destined to travel this same cruel circle repeatedly for the rest of my life? Could I ever be normal? Well, as normal as a freak of nature she-wolf could be.

And then, all of a sudden, I was crying again. Sobbing, big boohoos with hiccups in between. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried like this. Or the last time I'd felt so hopeless.

What could I do now? There was nothing left to stay for in Castle Rock? Melanie was hospitalized. I'd probably never see her again. Evan was a snooping bastard. Back in La Push, at least I had Seth. My baby brother. I'd missed him. And my mom. I'd missed her, too, despite her creepy obsession with Charlie Swan. I had Jacob, who I missed more than I thought I would. I had a position of power in my pack.

And I had Sam. Although he didn't want me, I could see him. Be near him. It wasn't enough, but it was the best I could get. Loving from afar. That was safer. My throat choked with another sob. I guess I'd been wrong when I thought I deserved anything better.

Maybe I would be that Leah again. But I had to be her. It was the only way to survive. Otherwise the pain would eat me alive from the inside out. It would kill me.

And maybe it would. But was it really worth living if this was all life had to offer? Pain, heartbreak, and betrayal. That was all I knew, and all I ever would know. A fresh batch of tears gathered in the corners of my eyes and then spilled over. This kind of defeat hurt worse than anything else: worse than heartbreak, worse than an attempted suicide. Worse than death.

I covered my face with my hands, not wanting to have to look at my face in the mirror that I could see from my place on the bed. I didn't want to see my tearstained cheeks, red eyes and bruise-covered skin. I didn't want to be the person in the mirror, broken-hearted and spiritless.

But I was. I was that person, and I always would be. I was Leah Clearwater. A self-righteous, bitter harpy.

With that realization, I wiped the last of the tears away and got to my feet. I pulled my duffel bag out from under my bed and began loading it with all of my things: my sparse amount of clothes, and necessities like soap and a gallon of Coke. It only just occurred to me that I was still wearing Evan's sweatshirt. Disgusted, I wrenched it off and tossed it onto the balcony. Underneath I was wearing an old navy blue tank top. It was a lovely ensemble with my ratty jeans and white tennis shoes so dirty they were brown.

Before leaving, I wiped my eyes one last time. I grabbed the room key off my desk and made sure I had the leather cord I'd use to tie my clothes to my ankle when I phased. Slinging my duffel bag over my shoulder and walked downstairs.

"Checking out already?" asked the man at the desk.

I nodded, handing him my room key. I didn't trust my voice. If I tried to speak, I would've burst into tears.

"Have a nice stay?"

No. "Yes," I lied, barely more than a whisper. Then I barreled out of there before he could ask me any more intrusive questions.

Of course it was raining outside, and I almost wished that I had Evan's sweatshirt. But I didn't want to be associated with anything belonging to him. I'd rather be soaked. I made my way to the trees and was sure that I was a good ways in before I started stripping. I balled my clothes up and tied them around my leg, then dropped onto all fours and began to phase.

It wasn't hard at all, to become a creature that was by nature angry. I was already furious, and the complex emotions became even more intense with my transformation. But this creature could handle them better. They didn't sit augmenting in my head, slowly paining me to an emotional death, they just became solid feelings: the heat of anger and the coolness of fear. They were much less painful than the reality.

Once the transformation was complete, I lifted my head and tasted the air. It smelled clean, fresh. I didn't taste any scent of werewolves or vampires. Good. I would be unhindered as I made my way back to La Push.

I made certain that my things were tied securely to my body, and then I started to run. Leaving behind Castle Rock. Leaving behind Grant, Garrett, Jareth, and Evan. Leaving behind the Leah I wanted to be.

***

Leah?

I couldn't believe it. Who was in my head now? I was barely a mile away from Castle Rock when someone was invading my thoughts again. I couldn't get a break. I couldn't have any secrets at all.

Now you know that's not true.

What are you, my conscience? Leave me alone. Now I knew who it was. Garrett. What did he want with me? Why did he care that I was leaving? He didn't care about me.

I do. And I know you're angry.

Of course you know. You know everything. And if you don't, you just have to go find it out.

Aggravation floated off his thoughts. Don't be mad at Evan. He didn't mean what he said. He's sorry.

Oh, really, I thought. Then why didn't he apologize?

He's as confused as you are, thought Garrett. But he cares about you a lot.

He's got quite a way of showing it. Just leave me alone. I'm leaving.

Leah, don't leave. I know you won't be happy back in La Push.

I was getting angrier by the second. Why do you care so much? I've never been happy, and I never will be.

You were happy here.

It was true. I couldn't deny it. And Garret knew every thought as it occurred, so he knew he had me.

I was, I agreed. Until your precious Alpha ruined everything.

He didn't mean to.

Well, he did it anyway.

Do you know why he overreacted? What he thought?

I don't care, I lied. I don't care what he thought. And I never lied about anything. He's the liar.

Garrett hesitated. He thought that Sam was your boyfriend.

He was. I was surprised how easy it was to admit, even in my own head.

He was angry because he said you were in love with him.

My thought train screeched to a stop. It took me a minute to even form coherent sentiments. And…why would that make him mad?

Again, it was a while until Garrett answered me directly. I didn't press into his head. I was a little bit scared of what the response would be.

Because he loves you.

My heart skipped a beat. It was frightening to hear such an outright admission of feelings, even if the news was secondhand. I'd heard those words so many times—I love you—and then had them rescinded with heartbreaking actions.

Memories rushed back to me: lying on the ground in the bathroom, a bottle of pills in my hand, or on the ground in the kitchen with a can of beer beside me. Remembering what might have been the most intensely painful moments of my life. A memory that I couldn't push out of my head or hide from Garrett no matter how hard I tried.

I was sitting on my couch in the dark, holding my cell phone to my chest. No sounds surrounded me. Everything was quiet.

The doorbell rang, shattering the silence around me. I jolted out of my seat and ran to the door. I thrust it open.

Sam stood on my doorstep, wearing nothing but a pair of jean shorts and soaking. I was so glad to see him after so many weeks of no contact that I wanted to throw my arms around his wet self and squeeze him tight and never let him go.

But I was furious. I was so angry I couldn't bring myself to do it. Although I missed him like hell and was eternally glad to see him, I was irate with him for leaving me alone, not calling back, even after eight tear-filled messages.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded harshly.

He rubbed his hand through his hair. "Leah, I—I have something to tell you. Can I come in?"

I clenched my jaw. "Whatever you need to say, you can say it here."

He sighed. "I know I've been gone for a while, and I wish I could tell you why. But I can't. I'm so sorry, Leah, but I have to tell you this even if you don't know what's going on."

I folded my arms. "So, say it." My voice caught in my throat, but I would not allow any emotion to seep through. I thought I knew what was coming, but I never could have guessed.

"Leah, I have to break up with you."

Shock clouded me. At first I couldn't comprehend what he meant. "What do you mean?" I asked, my brows furrowing.

"I have to break up with you."

And then I was angry. He had been ignoring me for three weeks and he was breaking up with me? He'd been the difficult one. I didn't deserve this. I shouldn't take this.

"Why?" I demanded. "I think I deserve to know."

"I can't tell you," he said. "I'm sorry, I can't. I wish I could."

"Why can't you?"

He leaned his head back. Rain splattered on his face. "I love her. Emily."

And then came the pain. More pain than I ever could have imagined. My heart shattered into a million pieces on the spot. My body tried to reject the pain, but nothing could have saved me then. Everything was ice, and the agony was frozen to me.

"Emily." It wasn't a question; it was a statement, rolling of my lips with a kind of deadness.

"Yes," he whispered. "Emily."

He said her name with such reverence, like a devoutly religious man talking about his god. He'd never said my name that way. He'd never spoken about me with that kind of worship. I didn't think the pain could have intensified, but it did. Tenfold. It was almost unbearable.

I couldn't breathe. My breath caught in my throat painfully, the agony choking me. Tears burst out before I could stop them, streaming down my face like two miniature waterfalls.

"Leah~" he began, reaching out for my hand. "Leah, I'm sorry. It wasn't a choice, I~"

"Just shut up." My voice was whisper thin, but the meaning was unmistakable. I wanted him gone. I wanted to never see his face again. But the worst thing was, I knew how badly I loved him. And I knew that I didn't mean it.

I shut the door in his face.

As soon as I returned to reality, I knew that Garrett had seen and heard everything. I didn't care. The memory felt as real as if it had just happened, and the pain felt even more severe.

I'm sorry, Leah, he thought. It sounded sincere enough, but I couldn't bring myself to respond.

You don't have to go back there. You can stay here. Evan wants you here. We all do.

Evan. Thinking of his name brought a flood of warmth to me, eradicating the pain of the memory. Evan. He was nothing like Sam. He was completely different, new and intoxicating. And he loved me.

I never would have imagined, never would have guessed, that anyone would love me that way ever again. But I trusted Garrett's words. Now that he'd said it, it seemed so obvious. And perfect.

So will you stay? Garrett asked.

Would I? Just hours ago I had truly believed that my existence was futile and that my fate would never change. It seemed so perfect—too perfect—that it would all change with just those few words.

But somehow, it had. Those few words had made all the difference in the world. They'd filled me with hope, given me a reason to believe that I was entitled to a beautiful life as much as anybody else.

And maybe that life would be with Evan. Yes, he was like Sam, but they weren't the same. He was handsome, strong, smart, brave, and any girl would be lucky to have him. And he, for some unfathomable reason, wanted to be with me.

So maybe, just maybe, I could go back and see. Talk to him. It wouldn't hurt. Nothing could be worse than what I'd felt only a few hours ago. I'd experienced the worst disappointment life had to offer. This couldn't be any worse.

I could give him a chance.

Yes, I thought. I will stay.

Good, Garrett thought, all business now. Then we should be heading back. Evan wanted to talk to us about the vampires.

Yeah, it's about time someone did something about those damn bloodsuckers, I agreed.

He laughed. For some reason, I heard it somewhere outside of my head.

Where are you?

Turn around, Leah.

I whirled around. Garrett stood, in enormous dark gray wolf form, only a few paces behind me. Damn. I'd been so preoccupied with my memories that I hadn't even heard him come.

Very sneaky, I commented.

I try.

We should be heading back, shouldn't we?

Yeah. Evan'll be worried. Now come on. I'll race you.

Only if you want to get your butt kicked, I thought, and then, without warning, I sped off, barking a laugh as I left Garrett in the dust. He hurried to catch up, wheezing as he tried to keep pace.

As I ran through the trees, the wind whipping at my fur, my heart filled with an emotion that I hadn't really felt for years. At first I couldn't put my finger on it, but then I realized what it was: happiness. For once, I was really truly happy.

Why? Because someone loved me. It was enough to make me feel giddy like a teenage girl. Evan loved me, and I loved him, too.

Well, how's that for an optimistic chapter? :) That was actually the hardest chapter for me to write so far, because Leah's…happy. I've been writing Depressed!Leah for so long that it's difficult to even try to write her happy.

Oh well, I hope you enjoyed it. The mystery of the letter is finally solved. It wasn't much of a mystery, but I hope you enjoyed the solution.

--Breeze