THE FIRST GOODBYES

The trigger mechanism of the freshly cleaned and newly oiled sniper rifle snapped into place with a satisfying click. Shelley held the weapon to her eye and looked down the scope as she reacquainted herself with its weight in her hands.

Amazing.

No matter how long she left it, the heavily-modded weapon always felt like an extension of her own limbs and sat reassuringly snug against her shoulder. With a contented sigh, she set it down upon the table and then picked up her combat shotgun. The stocky bruiser of a firearm lacked the elegance of the rifle, but was deliciously lethal none the less. Even the super mutants couldn't stand a blast from this baby at close range and it had saved her life more times than she would care to admit.

Yup…that was definitely coming too.

The gleaming magnum with attached scope that she'd picked up on her last trip out would satisfy her small-arms requirement, as would the ten-millimetre SMG for when accuracy needed to be sacrificed for quantity. They were keepers alright. For close encounters of a more personal nature, the fiery shishkebab would be perfect…if only she'd remembered to fill up the goddamn tank…

Fuck…forgot about that part.

Ah well, she was sure that Walter would spare her a can of gasoline to get it started again. The flaming sword didn't really use all that much fuel, not since she tweaked the design, and she'd just have to make sure she picked up a can from the old water-works engineer before she left. Considering all the usable scrap-metal she'd brought him, Walter was bound to oblige.

Seeing all the weapons laid out before her on her workbench, Shelley suddenly felt more ready than ever to get back out into the Wasteland. It had been almost three months since she last ventured out from behind Megaton's thick steel walls. In fact, she hadn't been out too far since that night she'd come home to find Billy Creel bleeding out in the middle of town.

Jesus…seemed like an eternity ago now.

Shelley angrily shrugged away the distracting thoughts and walked over to her locker. The sturdy leather raider armour she favoured hung in readiness just inside the door. There was a strange comfort in touching the tough hide, the reassuring suppleness of the leather moving almost without a sound as she pulled it from the locker. She cast a critical eye over it, checking for damage to the attached steel pauldrons, testing the armoured knee and elbow pads for flexibility and looking for any tears in the leather. She knew it would give her a decent amount of protection against most things, but the real advantage was that it was allowed her the freedom to move stealthily when necessary. She was never going to be a brawler and in a fire-fight she'd be as vulnerable as anyone else, but for sneaking around the DC ruins there was nothing finer and as a sniper who didn't want to be seen, it was perfect.

With a satisfied smile, she laid the armour across her worn couch. After she was done here, it would be ready to be pulled on and lived in for the next…for the next what?

A month, six-months, maybe even a year?

Truth was, Shelley didn't really know. She'd lost so much time already since she'd spoken to Three-Dog and her father could well have moved on from Rivet City by now. Sure, that was the place the egotistical DJ had said he was headed, but that was months ago and Shelly grimaced as she faced the very real possibility that by the time she got there, James might already be long gone and she'd have to start her search from scratch.

Hell, maybe it was karma?

Maybe she'd spent way too much time hanging round Megaton.

Perhaps if she'd just taken Three-Dog's information and struck out east, she would have found him by now and could have been helping him to do whatever it was that he thought was so fucking major that he had to leave her behind in the first place! As pissed as she was at her father, if James had felt like he had to go, she guessed it had to be pretty important. Saying that, if it was that important, then she wanted to help. Her father wasn't one to just do things on a whim. He was a methodologist, always working to a plan and for him to just strike out on his own like that, there had to be a damn good reason. James was nothing if not determined and Shelley liked to think she had inherited more than a little of that part of his nature.

Hopefully she'd inherited enough to be able to help him to do whatever the hell it was he was doing...

At she thought of seeing him again, Shelley felt a little strange. So much had happened since they'd last spoken and she was no longer the naive little girl he left behind in the vault. In a relatively short space of time, she'd gone from being a snot-nosed teenager as green as toxic sludge, to a young woman and an experienced survivor. She'd become a lone wanderer, travelling the Wasteland trying to do her bit to bring some justice to the assholes who thought they could just shit all over the little guy, or in the case of the super mutants, shit out the little guy after they'd eaten him!

Either way, she wondered how he would feel knowing that when it came down to it, she actually took some pride and a certain amount of pleasure in killing those fuckers and being damn good at it too. Would he really understand her? Would he really be able to still see the loving daughter beneath the warrior that had learned how to survive out there?

Not only that, but if he knew just what had happened to her recently, would he still welcome her with open arms…?

Shelley shuddered as her eyes were drawn involuntarily to the spot on the floor where Jericho had held her down and…taken her. Usually she could block most of it from her memory, the nightmare of his leering face only tormenting her during the long hours of night when sleep robbed her of conscious effort. Then she would wake, sweating and sick, shaking as the lingering sensation of his entry rekindled the pain and repellent disgust of her body's forced acceptance of him. More often than not, she would scream, crying out the defiance that had been denied to her during that night of terror, but then reality would stir her into a bout of weeping.

Shit.

She hated herself for feeling like that. Hated herself for letting it affect her so fucking much. In succumbing to recollection, it was like the sick bastard still had a part of her and she resented every minute of it. The Doc had said it would get easier over time, and though she would never be able to forget, she would be able to learn to live with it and with each passing day, the memories would lose their power to hurt her. She hoped he was right, she really did.

Maybe as the memory faded, she would be able to feel Colin's body against hers once more without becoming as rigid as a corpse in the sun…

A frown crept across Shelley's face as she thought of the charming Irishman. Since that night, things hadn't been quite the same between them. It wasn't like Colin had done anything wrong, in fact he had done everything right and that was just it.

It just wasn't him.

It wasn't Colin Moriarty.

Fuck, what the hell was wrong with her? Colin had been caring, considerate, patient and maybe even a little over-protective. He'd stayed near when she'd wanted him to be and kept away when she asked him to. He'd done everything he could to try to understand her and help her get back on her feet. In fact, he'd been so damn careful and guarded, that it made her feel uncomfortable to be around him! She knew he was trying to be gentle with her, but it was almost like he was a different person. In the saloon, Colin was all predatory sexuality, an old lion oozing both charm and menace from every pore. He was still a smooth-talking, hard-drinking sonofabitch, spiced-up with just the right amount of danger and that was part of the reason she had been drawn to him in the first place.

Now…

Now he treated her like she was his problem to solve and it wasn't like a few kind words and a hesitant embrace were going to make things any better.

He'd been acting more like her father than her lover.

Great…as if she didn't have enough psychological fallout to deal with.

In any case, just what was James going to say when he found out that Shelley had been sleeping with a man who was as old as he was? Colin had already said he'd known her father and her mother before they entered the vault and God knows Moriarty was a hard man to forget, usually for all the wrong reasons. There was no way James was ever going to accept that his precious little daughter was now involved with a man who was known the length and breadth of the wasteland as a purveyor of whores, booze and just about anything else that could be bought and sold in this godforsaken place. There certainly weren't going to be any warm wishes and congratulations, that was for sure.

No, he would probably disapprove completely of the relationship…what there was left of it anyhow.

Shelley snorted as she wondered if Colin was even attracted to her anymore. When they were alone, he'd gone out of his way not be overtly sexual around her and she couldn't help but think that maybe he didn't want to be inside her knowing that someone else had been there, even if it was against her will…?

Saying that, would she ever be able to accept any man between her legs again without feeling sick to her stomach? If she couldn't face sleeping with the man she loved, then what chance did she have of ever knowing the pleasure of intimacy ever again? Every time she closed her eyes, all she could see was…

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Shelley screamed aloud as the image of Jericho's grinning face flashed through her mind.

"Shelley, you okay?"

The voice startled her and she lunged for her shotgun.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Billy Creel stood in her doorway with a concerned expression on his face and his hands held before him. "I didn't mean to scare you, dolly. I did knock a few times, but you seemed to be a million miles away…"

She felt her shoulders sag as she looked at the handsome young man before her and noticed that recent events seemed to have taken their toll on him too. There was a dark smudge underneath his eye and his smile seemed to have lost a little of its sparkle.

"You didn't scare me, Billy." She sighed, then looked guiltily at the shotgun clutched in her sweating hands. "Well, maybe a little." Setting the weapon back down on the table, she walked into the kitchen and picked up a couple of colas. "Guess I'm still a little jumpy."

"Hey, it's totally understandable." He replied as she passed him one of the cool bottles. "You've been through a lot. I'd still be freaking out if I was you."

"If you were me, maybe you'd have been more careful." Shelley snorted as she swallowed a mouthful of the sugary soft drink. "Fucking asshole should never have gotten in here without me knowing."

"Don't keep doing that, dolly." Billy groaned, shaking his head. "You know you can't keep blaming yourself for what happened. Jeri…that bastard should never have done what he did in the first place. You did nothing wrong, Shelley and you're way too hard on yourself. You don't need to be carrying around the guilt for something that wasn't your fault."

"Now you sound like Colin." Shelley saw Billy's expression change at the mere mention of his name.

"Yeah, well…" He took a drink from his cola and pulled a face. "Maybe we don't agree on a lot, but when it comes to you, I think he actually knows what he's talking about."

"Excuse me?" If Colin had been talking to Billy, then Shelley needed to know about it.

Billy shrugged and feigned nonchalance. "Well, he was just saying that after what happened and all, he thought you were kinda crazy going off into the Wasteland right now. I sorta thought he had a point and I might have told him that I agreed with him, so he…ah…asked me to come over and…"

"He asked you to try and talk me out of it?" Shelley shook her head and placed her hands on her hips. "Did he really think that if I wasn't going to listen to him, that I would listen to you?"

"Gee, thanks…"

"I didn't mean it like that and you know it." Shelley sighed and began stuffing a small arsenal's worth of ammo into a shoulder bag. "I just have to go, Billy. I have to find out what happened to my father and I have to get away from here for a while. Truth is, I never really intended to stay that long to begin with and it was only when I realised I'd fallen in love with Colin…" She grimaced as she saw the look on Billy's face. "Shit…look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking to you about this stuff anyway."

"It's okay." Billy answered with a regretful smile on his face. "I know how you feel about the man. The whole goddamn town knows about you two and if you can't talk to your best friend, who can you talk to? I guess that deep down, I knew that he was the reason you were sticking around. I just wish you were sticking around a little longer is all."

"I can't." Shelley closed the bag and then set it down next to her weapons. "Right now, aside from you, everyone in town either looks at me like they want to throw me a pity party or like I'm the last person in the world that they want to talk to 'cos they don't know what to say to me. Hell, I know a few of them even blame me for what happened, like somehow being involved with Colin was bound to lead to trouble and I should have seen it coming. In my head I know that it's all bullshit, and that those pathetic assholes don't have anything better to do than talk about things they don't fucking have a clue about, but it still hurts Billy. It still hurts and I can't deal with it right now. I need to get back into the wasteland not only to find my father, but maybe even to find myself again. Whatever way you cut it, simple fact is, it's just time I was moving on."

Billy hung his head low, scratching at his eye-patch and taking a few deep breaths. Whatever arguments he had prepared seemed to die on his lips as he met Shelley's determined eyes and he sighed deeply.

"Nothing's going to stop you is it?" He said and Shelley shook her head. "Man, I knew the answer before I even walked in here, but I also knew I had to try. I just hoped you might change your mind, I guess. Just ain't the same around here without you." He flushed a deep red and looked at the floor. "Well, I…uh, guess this is it. There's nothing else I can say 'cept, I don't wanna say goodbye, dolly. I can't...I…"

"Billy…" Shelley moved quickly, closing the gap between them and pulling him into a tight embrace. "You're the best friend I ever had, you know that right? You make sure you take care of yourself and Maggie, you hear me? God, I'm gonna miss you so much."

"Hey none of that." Billy murmured into her hair. "We'll be right here when you get back. Me and Maggie, we'll be waiting for you…as long as it takes."

Shelley swallowed down the sudden rush of overwhelming emotion as Billy kissed her tenderly on the forehead and gave her one final hug. Then with a heavy sigh, he shrugged out of her arms and made his way to the door before pulling it open and breathing in deeply of the cool night air. At the last minute, he looked back and gave her one of the broadest smiles she had ever seen.

"Whatever happens out there, I know you'll find your dad and be home in no time, so I'll just say see you later, dolly."

"You can count on it Billy…you can count on it."

When the door finally closed behind him, Shelley felt more alone than she had in weeks. Of everyone in Megaton, saying goodbye to Billy was always going to be one of the hardest things to do.

Even then, it was probably a walk in the park compared to what was going to happen with Colin…

"Shelley, I thought you weren't coming." Gob pulled back the door to Moriarty's and waved her inside. "I was just about to lock up. It's been a slow night."

"Hey Gob." Shelley smiled at the ghoul and peered around as she stepped into the saloon. "Where's the boss?"

"Oh…he's upstairs." Gob flinched slightly as he spoke and scratched nervously at the back of his hand. "He's been in a real nasty mood today, drinking a whole lot too. Almost took a guy's head off for spilling a beer, then kicked my ass for getting in his way while I was trying to clean up. He's a more than a little volatile right now, I can tell you."

"God, he didn't hurt you did he?" Shelley frowned as she reached out to touch an area of Gob's skin that looked a lot more purple than usual.

"No more than usual." He sighed, shrugging self-consciously away from her touch. "Look, don't worry about it. My ego is past caring and my bruises will heal, but Mr Moriarty…he'll always be an asshole."

"Easy Gob." Nova's sultry voice drifted into the conversation as she walked out of the saloon bathroom. "He may be drunk, but his ears still work just fine and I really don't want to piss him off anymore tonight." The pretty redhead pulled off her leather jacket and sat down on one of the high barstools. "So…you're leaving soon, huh?"

Shelley nodded and sat beside the other woman. "Tomorrow morning. I just thought Colin might have called in to see me but…"

"Oh I see." Nova answered simply. "So if Mohammed won't come to the mountain…?"

"The mountain must come to Mohammed?" Shelley offered her a grudging smile. "I'd like to pretend that I don't give a shit, but you know how it is. Whatever he does, whatever's going on inside that head of his, I still can't help but love the guy."

"You know, a lot of folks round here wondered just how the hell the two of you ever got together." Nova spoke softly, her words directed at Shelley but her green eyes fixed on Gob. "They don't understand that two people so completely different, could ever have feelings for each other."

Shelley gasped as she finally understood the nature of the relationship between the red-headed whore and the ghoulish bartender. "You and Gob…"

"We ah, try to keep it quiet." The ghoul interjected, placing down three glasses and pulling a bottle of pre-war vodka from the shelf behind the bar. "Who we are when we're working in the saloon is one thing, but behind closed doors…"

"Behind closed doors, we're just like anyone else in our situation." Nova smiled and settled her hand atop his. "Sure we have our moments, but whenever we get the chance to be together, we make the most of it...no matter what anyone else might think."

"So you're saying that's what I should be doing? Making the most of Colin while I'm here?" Shelley watched as Gob filled each glass with the clear liquid.

"What I'm saying is that he's hurting, hon." Nova sighed and turned to look at her. "He may be a selfish son-of-a-bitch, totally indifferent to the feelings of everyone else in this town, but when it comes to you, he just doesn't know what to do. You make him feel, honey and it's not something he's used to. He still blames himself for what happened to you and that just doesn't sit well with a man like him. He's full of wounded pride and shameful guilt."

"So he should be." Gob muttered under his breath. "If Moriarty hadn't let Jericho get away with so much to start with, then maybe he wouldn't have…"

"Gob…" Nova's voice rose in gentle reproof. "Shelley doesn't need to be hearing that stuff right now."

She wondered what had given it away…the fact she was squirming on the stool like she suddenly needed to be somewhere else or the way she'd taken one of the drinks and swallowed the large measure of vodka in one anxious gulp.

"Oh shit." The ghoul breathed as she set the empty glass back down on the bar. "I'm sorry. I just get so mad thinking about what he did. I never meant to bring it up like that…"

"It's okay." Shelley said quietly, feeling the potent alcohol sliding down her throat. "No point pretending it didn't happen. Besides, I'm over it now."

"Really?" Nova pulled a couple of cigarettes from her hip pocket and flipped one to Gob in exchange for one of the full glasses. "Gob honey, how about you go on to bed. I'll be there in a while. I just want a little girl time with Shelley, you know, before she goes."

"But I…oh, I get it." The ghoul gave Nova a knowing look and then frowned as he fumbled in his pocket. "Shelley, I guess this is goodbye but before you go, there is something…ah, wait…no, here it is!"

Shelley looked on with a puzzled expression on her face as Gob produced a crumpled note.

"It's a letter, from my mom." He nervously licked his dry, cracked lips. "Well, actually Carol's not my mom, but good as. She runs a place outta Underworld where you can rent a bed, get a hot meal and so on. I wrote her to tell her you'd be out that way so you'd know there were a few friendly faces around…even if they are like mine."

Shelley smiled as she studied the neat handwriting and read the open invitation, complete with directions to the Museum of History.

"I just figured if you needed somewhere to stay…" Gob flushed slightly and then reached behind the bar and pulled out a box of .44 calibre ammo. "And as for these, Nova and I clubbed together and bought them as kind of a going away present. We figured they would come in handy."

"I don't know what to say…" Shelley found Gob's milky eyes watching her intently as she stowed the gifts away in the pockets of her jacket. "You're one in a million you know that?"

"Of course. You know how difficult it is to find great bar staff out in the Wasteland?" The ghoul winked mischievously and laughed. "Just one thing though, if you do go see Carol, don't tell her about me. I mean tell her I'm okay and all, but it's just that I never told her about working for Moriarty…she'd only worry some if she knew how he treated me and I don't want that for her."

"I'll tell her that her son is one of the finest men I have ever met." Shelley said softly as she leaned over placed a tender kiss on Gob's ruined cheek. "I'm gonna miss you, Gob."

"I'll miss you too Shelley." The ghoul clasped her hand in farewell before making his way to the small room he occupied at the back of the saloon.

"Kid's got a heart of gold." Nova breathed as she watched him closing the door. "He makes me happy anyway."

"Must be nice having someone like him." Shelley sighed as she found her thoughts drifting toward Colin. "Me…I go for the obnoxious-asshole-type myself."

"That's putting it politely." Nova said with a smile. "But he's the guy you want and I can understand that. See, when I'm with the johns and they're putting their hands on me, it's just the job and ain't nothing but sex for caps. When I'm with Gob, I can feel it in my heart and when he enters me, I know we're making love." Shelley shifted uncomfortably in her seat as the whore spoke. "Is that how it's been with you and Colin lately? I mean, considering what happened and since you're 'over it' and all."

Shelley felt her cheeks beginning to burn as tears threatened the corners of her eyes.

"Hmm. Didn't think so." Nova swallowed a mouthful of her vodka and then took one of Shelley's hands in her own. "Listen honey, what happened to you was just…sick. When a man does something like that to a woman, you feel dirty, wrong, like you'll never get over it and you can't imagine ever wanting anyone again. You're scared, you're afraid and you worry that you'll never really be able to let someone inside your heart and not just inside your body, without breaking down that wall you've built up around yourself. Am I right?"

Shelley looked up surprised to see tears of her own forming in Nova's soulful green eyes.

"Thought so, hon. I know exactly how you're feeling because I've been there."

"Not Jericho…?" The question fell from her nerveless lips as Shelley's stomach knotted itself into a tight ball.

"No…though god knows, he liked it rough." Nova's lip curled as she spoke. "No, it wasn't him. It was a long time ago, just before I worked for Colin. Some guy back home who should've known better. He hurt me bad, just took what I wasn't willing to give…so I paid a bunch of mercs to take his life."

"Paid…that's why you borrowed all the caps?" Shelley watched as Nova tried to swallow down the bitter memories along with the last of her vodka. "You used the caps you borrowed from Colin to pay someone to kill him?"

Nova smiled sadly and ran her hand self-consciously through her hair. "Not my best idea. After that, I ended up selling myself to strangers to repay the debt. Sex became a means to an end. Truth is, I never thought I'd ever know what it was like to actually want to be with someone because you cared…but for all that, the heart is a powerful thing, honey. You meet the right guy and suddenly being with him is just something you want to do for both of you 'cos there ain't nothing finer than lying in the arms of the one you love, knowing that you've shared something special."

Shelley watched as Nova slid off the bar-stool and stubbed out her cigarette in a tin ashtray on one of the tables.

"How long was it before you could…you know."

"Fuck and enjoy it?" Nova smiled and then shook her head. "It's different for every woman who goes through it. There ain't no time limit, honey. Just do what feels right and don't let anyone push into anything you don't want to do."

"Colin has never pushed me." Shelley murmured. "I know he's wanted me, I could see it in his eyes, but he never pushed it."

"Then maybe he's not such an asshole." Nova said softly and then raised her eyebrows. "Well, when it comes to you anyway…"

"I'm just lucky I guess…" Shelley groaned and then threw her arms around the redhead. "Listen…thank you Nova, for being there, for everything."

The whore shivered a little and Shelley felt wetness against her cheek.

"You better take care of yourself out there." Nova whispered, her voice choked with emotion. "I'll be looking to see you walking in through the saloon door with that father of yours. Must be a great guy to have raised such a wonderful daughter."

"I'd love to have you meet him." Shelley gasped, fighting to stem the flow of tears that cascaded from her eyes. "You're amazing and I'd be real proud to able introduce you as my friend."

"Well then, you'd better come back soon." Nova began, pulling back and wiping her eyes. "Now I'd better go see Gob, else he'll be asleep before I get there and I'm guessing there's someone you need to talk to before you go..."

Shelley glanced toward the staircase leading up to Moriarty's room and nodded.

Nova simply smiled. "Then goodbye, honey…and good luck."

As she watched her leave, Shelley envied the pretty whore the certain comfort she would find in the arms of her ghoulish lover.

Just what comfort she would find in the company of Colin Moriarty, was another matter entirely…