CHAPTER 11
-Continued from the ending of last Chapter-
...
-"OUT."
The three letters showed slowly under her pen.
"Olivia... don't. I just wanna be here with you."
But she only turned away, forcing the lump in her throat down.
"Please, Liv, I know I... let you down... " hesitantly, Elliot touched one of her fingers, "it's all my fault... All of these… If I could turn back the clock, I'd like to... "
You'd like to do what?
"I'd rather to die first, than see you hurt like this."
Olivia's heart shrank with a sting.
Really, Elliot? Really..?
She was pissed, she knew it. But as the warmth coming from his squeezing hand, her chin quivered anyway.
"Recently, I've been thinking about retiring." He rubbed the back of her hand thoughtfully, "What kind of cop am I? I can't even protect my partner... I... keep thinking about so many moments between us, you know, in all these years, good time, bad time... " he took a breath, "you know what I found out? The day when lying in the crib, watching the dawn came, I suddenly realized... that you've been sort of fused into my life, my soul. I can't live without you, Liv, just like I can't be alive with my heart removed-"
Stop.
Olivia shot her watered eyes open.
…
His cellphone rang.
She withdrew her hand almost the same time, recognizing the special ring.
Elliot didn't move, still eyeing her, till Olivia turned her face away.
"Yeah," he finally answered with a sigh, ducking out the door.
Olivia flinched as the door shut, immediately feeling a horrible emptiness. Though his voice, his words... were still echoing back and forth among the walls.
Also, his warmth on her hand hadn't been faded.
Yes, his warmth... Only, the familiarization of him was barely there.
She doubted she ever knew this guy at all, or she just never knew herself instead? Or, both of them had changed.
People change.
Thinking about this, Olivia held her breath.
You're not the same old you anymore, remember?
"Liv," Elliot went back in, hand on the door knob. "I'm sorry... Kathy is... " He rubbed his eyes in guilty, showed the ring wearing on his finger. "She fell, and I'm afraid something might happen to the baby... Damn."
Olivia looked away from that stinging shining thing immediately, as if being burned.
Go.
"I'll come to see you soon, Liv, I promise."
Olivia closed her eyes, hearing him turned around and out.
Now, she let the tears fall.
"Liv? … Olivia?"
Hearing her own name, the brunette stirred, realized surprisingly that she actually slept.
"I'm so glad you finally had a little rest. That's what your body needs most."
Opening her sleepy eyes, Olivia managed a tired smile to her nurse. That was when she caught Alex's unsure eyes.
Alex stood uneasily beside Sarah. Her baby blue eyes were bloodshot, but still tender and concerned, flashed in guilt.
"Yes, her soulful puppy eyes really got me, too, Olivia." Sarah said playfully, taking a look at the blond standing beside.
Alex flushed, and turned pale right away as seeing Olivia's smile freezing and fading.
The brunette looked away.
"I, uh," Alex cleaned her throat nervously, "... Sarah said she gonna change your bandages, and it might be... tough. So I... think maybe you need someone to be here, with you."
Olivia just slowly closed her eyes.
"Okay... Let's just get it straight, Liv. I know you don't want to see me. Yes, you have every right to be angry, to..." she stopped, catching Olivia's hand tore the front paper off the note, grabbed her pen.
-Out.
Alex nodded slightly, "Good. You know what? I hate myself too. But at that moment, I didn't have any other choice at all!"
Olivia slammed her palm on the bed angrily.
-u couldve waited me to wk up! WHY!
"You were dying, Olivia!" Sarah said before the blond, "Your injurers were bad, really bad... we almost..."
"Sarah," Alex cut her off, "Liv... You don't know how difficult it was, for me..."
"Yes," the nurse continued, "Detective Stabler and Alex talked about it thousand times. There were several times, he almost signed the paper, but changed his mind in the last minute. However, your leg was too damaged to keep. The frostbite had caused tissue necrosis, brought serious infections and the multiple organ failure... I don't know how much you remembered... Anyway, literally, you would die soon, without the amputation."
Olivia held her breath feeling her throat tightened.
Alex walked closer, gently wiped the tears off Olivia's face, while letting her own fall. "Olivia, I just wanted you to survive..."
The brunette simply lifted the note up. It read,
-wht if I dont?
Everyone stilled.
Alex brushed Olivia's hand away. "Dammit, Olivia! How could you say this? You really think you-"
Olivia grasped the blond's hand, cutting her off.
"No! You listen to me," Alex dragged Olivia's hand down, "since the day you were took, I, we, never had a peace moment. The entire team had spent every second on your case, till got you back. And Elliot. You noticed how much weight he'd lost? And... me... That day in your bedroom, found those bruises on your body, I... " she held her breath, forcing down the trembles in her voice, "... It worried me to death, let alone... Do you have any idea what the hell the days like during you were kidnapped? How many times I forced myself to be prepared of losing you? And as the moment I finally saw you breathing in front of me, I swore... I won't lose you ever again."
They scanned each other, both tearing and shaking. Only, Olivia's eyes were cold.
-so its all up to u, right? She wrote with all her strength, causing the penpoint jabbing into the paper.
"Hell, YES! Maybe I'm a selfish bitch, bu-"
Suddenly, Olivia yelled out.
It was obvious, that her hand was way too slow than her mind. She was roughly jobbing, sliding the paper with her shaking hand, but just couldn't write any faster.
All of a sudden, the brunette stabbed the pen downwards as hard as she could.
A sharp pain shot through Alex's hand.
"Olivia!" Sarah caught Olivia's wrist immediately. Though, it was too late. The pen had thrust through Alex's palm.
Alex pressed her lips tightly together, staring at her bloody hand, didn't make any sound.
"Auummm sssssooomm..."
Raising her head, the blond met Olivia's startled face.
"It's nothing, I'm, I'm fine," Alex kneed down, hiding her injured hand under the bed.
Olivia coughed, after attempting to lean up, and her voice cracked.
"SShhhh, silly, I know, I know... You didn't mean it, right? Neither did I, honey... Neither did I... I'd like to do anything, everything, if that can keep you from all these pains, tortures... God, it killed me, killed me... Olivia, though… I know you won't really forgive me, you can't, I know... How could you forgive someone did this to you..." Alex choked, feeling Olivia's shaking fingers wiping the tears off her face.
You're not "someone", Alex. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...
When Alex walking back into the room followed by the nurse, Olivia noticed her hand had been bandaged up.
"You didn't slip out and peep on me, did you?" The blond joked, coming to the bedside.
Olivia didn't smile at all, eyes never left that injured hand. And as Alex approaching, she carefully touched the edge of her palm.
"Doesn't hurt at all, believe it or not." The counselor squeezed Olivia's fingers softly, "Ok..., it did hurt a little, honestly. But now I'm fine. Your nurse is good."
Slowly, Olivia met these blue eyes.
"Honey, it's not your fault. Don't be so guilty." Alex brushed tenderly across the brunette's cheek with the back of her hand. "Actually, I feel grateful you let me be here with you. You know that?"
She scanned her eyes.
"Because, it means a lot to me. Because..." the blond looked away, paused for a while, "basically I never felt so helpless in my life. There are thousand things I wish I can do for you, only... none of these is I capable of. But," she cracked a smile, "I keep telling myself, that all the pains, sorrows are temporary, and you gonna beat it. You're not alone, honey. You have no idea how much I was longing, dying for being part of this fight. So," the blond breathed, "thank you... I mean, I really need to be here. It might be the only thing I can do."
Olivia smiled, while the tear drops rolling down as well.
"Counselor?" Sarah handed her gloves and a respirator, "put these on, if you wanna be here while I change her bandages."
"Sure."
As the torture-like bandage change started, the two women had been holding their hands all the time.
Leaning against Alex, Olivia hadn't made any sound nor opened her eyes.
But Alex could tell exactly how much pain the brunette was taking, from her teeth which had been bitten into her lower lip, the pea-size sweat which kept oozing from her forehead and streaming down her pale face, the deadly grasping of her hand, and the violently trembling muscles of her weary body.
At first, Alex whispered "it almost done... everything's gonna be fine...", but later, she shut up.
Holding the gasping woman in her arms tightly, tenderly, the counselor felt her own heart bleeding out bit by bit. It was more than obvious that nothing could smooth the huge miserableness Olivia was suffering.
Nothing.
The brunette's gasped was getting shallower and faster, and now she began to cough.
"Sarah, could you just..."
"I know, I know," The young nurse took a breath, sleeving the sweat off her face, "But I have to make the wound perfectly clean."
"Right... just, be quick, for Christ's sake!"
"I'm trying and I..." Sarah whispered behind the respirator.
At this moment, a male's voice suddenly caught the three women's eyes.
"Excuse me?" Without knocking, a man pushed in.
Suddenly, Olivia jerked to the opposite direction, almost threw herself out of the bed.
"Olivia!" Alex caught her before losing the balance. "Liv, Liv, what's wrong?"
"GET OUT!" Sarah yelled over her shoulder, "Who the hell let you in?"
"I saw his badge. The fucking feds!"
Seeing the man slipped out embarrassedly, Sarah rushed back to her patient.
"Hold her steady," She told Alex, "Olivia, it's ok, he's gone. Nobody's gonna hurt you, you hear me? Relax, calm down, or you'll tear the stitches."
Olivia's pale skin now had totally turned ashy, and she kept looking at the door with horrors all of her eyes.
"Honey, breath. He's out, no one's there, ok? Breathe, breathe!" Alex smoothed Olivia's back, "Sarah! Do something!"
The nurse grabbed the oxygen mask and covered it on Olivia's face.
After a while, the brunette finally calmed a little.
"It's ok, sweetheart... you're doing well... Yes, lean on me... good, just like this... I've got you, got you..." Alex could feel the gown Olivia wearing, had been soaked with cold sweat.
"Olivia," Sarah took off her gloves, putting on a new pair, "I know you're tired, but you have to hang out a little longer, ok? It's almost done. Just a few minutes, I promise."
Olivia blinked once as nodding, not sure how long she could still stay conscious.
About twenty minutes later, things were finally over.
Sarah grabbed her respirator off, letting out a long breath. "Okay, detective, could you move your toes? Right foot."
Alex swallowed hard, staring at Olivia's toes which still stained with dry blood around the nails.
No movement.
"You still with me, Olivia?" Sarah lifted her head up, eyeing the patient, then the counselor.
Alex looked down, "Liv? Look at me, please." The blue eyes met brown, "Yeah, I know you're exhausted, I'm sorry. But please just hang in here for another minute, ok?"
The brunette shut her eyes, struggling to sit up.
"No, no, stay still, honey. Just focus and move your toes, can you do that?" Alex whispered slowly, wiping the sweat off Olivia's eyebrows.
Olivia held her breath, eyes slipping along her own body, down to the end of the bed.
"Okay... " Sarah smiled, finding her patient's weary eyes. "Don't push yourself too much. It's only the first day after your surgery. And," she made a gently squeeze on Olivia's cold foot, "can you feel my hand? Anything?"
No responds.
Not sure it was the women in her arms turned ice-cold, or herself did, Alex froze up and stopped breathing. There was a short moment she could only see the movements of Sarah's mouth, but heard nothing.
Until Olivia coughed.
"Hey, sweetie," Alex smoothed the brunette's back several times.
"Everything's fine, detective, don't worry too much, ok? You just won such a big tough fight and kicked the death's ass. So, just give your body a little time, and be faithful. You'll be fine, I promise."
The nurse smiled sweetly, lying her patient down with Alex's help.
But just as Sarah drawing arm out of Olivia's back, her wrist got caught.
Olivia grasped the nurse breathlessly, struggling with words.
"Okay, take your time," Sarah leaned closer to her patient.
"What is she saying?" Alex couldn't help but ask.
Sarah blinked and leaned back, shaking her head.
"Let me," Alex bent down, gathering her long blond hair backward with her good hand and leaning her ear to the brunette's mouth.
Olivia's voice was almost inaudible.
"... pa-a-a–mm...a-aammm-r-rra-llummm..."
"No, sweetie, you're NOT gonna paralyzed." As the words coming out, Alex tasted the salted tears on her lips at the same time. "You'll..." She wanted to say "be fine", but seeing Olivia's tears pouring down in silent, she stopped.
"You're thinking too much." the counselor finally found her voice and forced a smile, "Just rest. You'll feel better and better every time you waking up. I promise."
The brunette coughed and coughed, still wanted to say something, only couldn't.
"Easy, easy, Olivia! Breathe!"
Suddenly, Sarah felt the hand on her wrist let go.
"Olivia! Liv!" Patting Olivia's face slightly, Alex felt her heart slammed violently. "What's wrong with her?"
Sarah didn't answer, checking the machines linking to the patient's body. "I think, she just past out. Her body couldn't take the pains or the emotions anymore."
"You sure? No need to call Dr. Lee? Cuz..."
"Alex, calm down." Sarah wiped her forehead, "Sure I'm gonna tell the doctor, but, really, she's all right, and actually, it may be better for her. At least she stopped crying."
Watching the wetness of those closed eyes, tears slowly blurred Alex Cabot's vision.
"Who the fuck gave you the right to burst in the ICU room? You feds are simply stupid or just like being fuckers around?" As soon as meeting the two agents down the hall, Alex snapped out loud.
"I'm sorry, Miss Cabot." the bigger guy seemed awkward.
"You should be."
"Counselor, I, we, apologize about this. But you know, the case is on fire. That's why we-"
"It's about the statement, isn't it?" Alex cut his off impatiently.
The older guy stepped forward, "Well, since you used to work in the SVU, Miss Cabot, you'd know how important it is to get the first hand statement before the victim mixes things up."
Alex swallowed, almost winced with the word of "victim". And she felt odd to think the things about Olivia both as a friend and an ADA trapping in the justice system.
"So, that's the homework you did?" She looked straightly into the older man's cloudy eyes, "You know nothing about the SVU, Agent..."
"Miller, and this is Agent Redd."
"Right, Agent Miller." Alex sighed, "Have you talked to doctor? Olivia is no-"
"Miss Cabot, we're clear about the condition of Detective Benson, ok? Just a few questions to ask."
"She's sleeping, I'm sorry. You... Is it really necessary to work THIS hard in Christmas day?" Alex forced herself not to yell.
The agents looked at each other for a second.
"Counselor, we're just doing our jobs here. And I'm sure you want to nail the bastard as badly as we do. We have to see Detective Benson today. We'll wait."
Before Alex shot back, Agent Redd added, "Just a couple of questions, I promise."
"She's," the blond rubbed her temple, fighting the sudden dizziness.
"Miss Cabot, are you ok?"
Watching the agent's mouth, Alex only heard her own heart pounding. And the next thing she saw, was blackness.
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