Disclaimer: I do not own the Fosters.
"We need to talk."
Those were the words that Lena really didn't want to hear. The worry was etched across her face and she felt tears stinging her eyes. She didn't like where she thought this was going, despite Jude's comment that everything was going to be alright. She finally managed to swallow the lump in her throat and made her way to sit down on the bed.
"Okay Stef, what do you want to talk about?" was all she managed as her voice cracked through that simple sentence.
Stef could see how nervous she was and decided to take a seat next to her. After sitting down, Stef took Lena's hand in her own as she prepared to start this important conversation.
"First off, I love you," Stef managed though her voice threatened to give out on her. "I want you to remember that fact while I say what I need tell you now, and please don't get mad."
"I love you too Stef, but you are making me nervous. Please just tell me what is going on."
"Lena, I went to see Monte. "
"You did WHAT?"
"I needed to get some closure. I know that you are upset, but I understand now. I know that it was just something that happened and I forgive you, but I also think that we have some things that we need to work on."
"What do you mean Stef?"
"I think that we need to work on us. After talking to Monte, who explained what you two were talking about when it happened, and I now know that there were things that you weren't telling me. I think that right there says something about our relationship. I think that your trust in me has started to waver and after this, I think that I need some time to think about us."
"I do trust you Stef, I trust you fully."
By this time Lena was starting to cry and the only thing that was keeping Stef from falling apart was the fact that she needed to get through this conversation.
"Lena, I love you and I know that you have been going through a lot lately, we both have. You didn't tell me what you were feeling though. That hurt me Lena, the fact that you couldn't even talk to me about what you have been going through. I think that you have been going through your own struggle and may be feeling guilty with everything that happens, but I never once placed any blame on you. I know that there was nothing that could have been done, and I am so sorry if you ever thought that I blamed you."
That was it, Lena started crying uncontrollably and fell into her wife's arms. Stef held her and attempted to keep her emotions in check. This was so hard to do, but she knew that she would have to tell Lena about her plan to leave for awhile. She knew that with time, Lena would see that this was befitting their relationship and not hurting them.
"Now Lena, I know that you don't want to hear this anymore than I want to say it, but I think that we need to take some time apart from each other. "
"Stef, please no. Please don't leave," Lena managed to choke out between sobs. "I promise that it will never happen again and I will try harder with us. I don't want you to leave. You are my world and I can't live without you."
"Lena, I love you so much. I would never want to be apart, but I think that if we want to have a chance to save our relationship, we need to spend some time apart where we can take some time and get over everything that has happened in the last year in our own ways. I don't think that we can achieve that if we are together during the time that we are off work. If we each have our own space then I think that will help us to regain some trust in each other and we can work on our relationship without having the tension that we have been experiencing in the house."
Lena couldn't believe what she was hearing. The only woman she had ever truly loved was ready to walk out the door. What was she going to tell her children? She knew that Stef just wanted to do this because she thought that it would make things better, but the thought of losing her was too much to bear. She may think that it was only temporary, but what was going to happen if Stef had time to think about how much better she would be without having to deal with her and the mess that she was going through. She knew that logically there was nothing that she could have done to save her baby, but she was the one that wanted to have a baby and she felt responsible for not being able to make everything alright. Stef was not very supportive about the baby at first, but when they lost her, she was devastated. What was Lena going to do if Stef decided that there relationship wasn't worth it anymore?
After a few minutes of utter panic, a familiar voice and a hand on her shoulder brought her out of her thoughts and she realized that she had made her way out of Stef's arms and was pacing back and forth across the room.
"Lena, honey, please talk to me. Everything is going to be fine."
"Did you tell Jude that, because that is what he told me?" Lena said as she finally found her voice. "How could you have told him that when obviously everything is not fine. You want to leave and not ... not come back."
The tears started to fall again and the only thing that Lena could do right now was to walk away. She headed into their bathroom and quickly shut the door. There she fell to the floor and began crying hysterically. She knew that one of these days Stef was going to leave her and go find someone else. She never used to think that way, but after the baby, why would Stef want to be with someone who couldn't even save their own child. She felt like a failure as a woman. She never really realized how much she hadn't gotten over until this minute and now she felt like she had had her heart ripped out twice, once with Frankie and now with Stef wanting a break.
Outside of the door, Stef heard her wife crying. It broke her heart, but she didn't know what to do about it in this very moment. How could Lena ever believe that she would want to leave permanently? She finally decided that she needed to know what Lena's fears were in order to help her and their relationship.
"Lena, Lena honey, I need you to open the door," Stef called after trying the door and being unable to open it.
"Please just go away. If you want to leave, please just do it, " came the sound of Lena's hoarse voice.
"Lena, I am not going anywhere until you let me in there to talk with you," Stef said in her firm cop tone. The sooner that she could get through to Lena, the sooner this mess could get sorted out. It was killing her to know how much pain her wife was in and until she could figure out everything that was going on in her wife's mind, there was nothing that she could do about it.
Finally, the bathroom door opened a crack. Stef opened it enough to get through and then closed it. Her wife was still sitting on the floor up against the counter with her knees pulled up to her chest and hiding her face as best as she could. Stef couldn't help but fall on her knees next to her wife and envelope her in a hug. She could still feel the shaking of her wife's crying. She then lifted her wife's head up so that she could look into those amazing brown eyes. Lena tried to look away from her, but Stef held her head still and then slowly wiped the tears off of her wife's face.
"Lena, I need you to listen to me and I mean really listen," Stef started, "I am not going anywhere, but I need you to talk to me and tell me what is going on in your head."
"Oh Stef, if you want to leave, please just tell me. I just need to know. I don't blame you if you want to move on with your life and find someone else after what I have done, but I just don't want to lose you."
"Move on and find someone else?" Stef questioned and then a thought struck her, maybe Lena thought that her suggestion to be apart for a while was a suggestion that they break up. "Lena, I don't want to move on by myslf and I certainly don't want anyone else. You are the only person that I want. I just though that maybe some space would make it easier for us to fix our relationship, but now that you have told me what is going on in your head, I know that is not the solution. I love you so much and I want to be there for you and our kids no matter what."
"Really Stef?" Lena seemed surprised, but was extremely grateful, maybe her wife really didn't want to break up and just maybe she hadn't run her off with the mistakes that she had made.
Stef then did something that she didn't expect, she kissed her and took her into her arms. She was so happy that she wrapped her arms around Stef and didn't ever want to let go. They both sat on the bathroom floor for a long time just holding one another. Finally, Stef was the first to speak.
"Lena, I am going to stay here and we are going to work on what we need to work on. Maybe we should consider counseling, or maybe you would like to see someone by yourself to help you get through the baby and everything else that has happened."
Stef thought that Lena would be extremely against the idea, but was surprised with the response that she got.
"I think that might be good Stef. I didn't realize how much things have been affecting me until now, but I want to work through things and I don't want to lose you."
"Lena, do you remember what I said when you first told me about the kiss?," Stef asked and Lena nodded. "I told you that I love you unconditionally and nothing will ever change that. That is still true. I love you with all of my heart and I would do anything for you. You will never lose me."
"Thank you Stef, I love you so much too. Thank you for putting up with me and forgiving me for my stupid mistakes."
"Anytime Love. Why don't we take a shower and just spend some time together? The kids are busy with their movie, so they won't bother us."
"I'd really like that Stef."
With that both women made their way to their feet and got everything ready for the shower. They were both relieved, but Stef still knew that there was work to be done, but if she could help her wife, then it was all worth it.