.:Chapter Ten:.

When You Want More

"Zack's going to be fine, Miss. Martin, as I've explained before, it's normal for those that have gone through Zack's condition to end up having episodes of panic attacks," Dr. Morrison explained to the woman that sat across from him, nervously tearing up the tissue that she had tucked in her hand.

"But he ended up throwing up again," Kurt pointed out; sitting on Carey's other side. His hands periodically rubbed back and forth across his jean clad leg. "Isn't that something we should be worried about?"

Dr. Morrison shook his head. "There's always going to be the chance of relapses," he explained. "Not just for the eating disorder in general, but for all mental disorders. What most don't seem to understand is that an eating disorder comes from the mind first, and after that the treatment isn't the same for everyone. Frankly, I'm not surprised that Zack had a panic attack this quickly since he had left our care. He does put a lot of pressure upon himself. He cares a lot of what people around him think of him and he does seem to be the kind of person that likes to keep a routine, so to speak."

Carey nodded. "Yes, Zack isn't one that particularly likes change," she admitted. "Having move around so much, he got used to getting put in one place and then being uprooted made him upset each and every time. Though I don't think he's actually told me about it."

Kurt hummed to himself, resting his hand against his mouth as he listened to the explanation. His eyes moved around the office, resting on the degrees that lined the wall. Everything that proved that the man was someone they could trust, that he knew what he was talking about. But at the same time, Kurt couldn't wrap his head around it. This wasn't his son, this wasn't Zack, the boy that had a smile for everyone and was so outgoing that no one could ever accuse him of being insecure about anything in his life. The same guy that no one would suspect of ever having gotten into a fight without a good reason nor would turn their back on one of his friends. So seeing him with an eating disorder, seeing how wasted away he had become, seeing how un-Zack like he had become was a shock.

Getting that phone call from Carey, hours after Cody had found him passed out on the bathroom floor and his heart crammed into his throat again. He left the dress rehearsal of job and ran, dressed like a Viking—to the nearest hospital. Having arrived he could see that Zack was irritated at all of the attention that was on him. With the stick of a lollipop hanging out the end of his mouth, Zack's blue eyes shifted over to his father as he came bursting through the door. The first thing he said was, "I really hope you didn't go running through the streets of Boston dressed up like that."

To which Kurt quipped back with, "not the streets, just the back alleys." He went over to Zack and placed a hand on his forehead, feeling for a fever. Getting nothing, he tilted his eldest son's head back and looked into his eyes to see if his irises were dilated. "Is everything okay? What happened?"

Zack pushed his hands away. "I'm fine. I told you, I was just a bit lightheaded and passed out for a minute. I didn't need to come to the doctor."

Cody, who had been standing beside his brother, glanced at him with a sad expression on his face. He shook his head, but when he spoke, his voice was firm and didn't show any of the sadness his face exhibited. "I know you don't like to go to the doctor, Zack, but considering what happened before, you can't expect us to not be a bit worried." He then raised an eyebrow. "Besides, I'd like to think that you would do the same for me."

"I always do it for you," Zack pointed out. "Whenever we watch horror movies, whenever you see blood, any sort of trauma you always seem to pass out. Remember Mary and Joseph and how we helped deliver their baby? One look and you immediately keeled over."

"And one look from you and we were sure that you were into girls," Kurt said with a grin.

Carey gave him a disapproving look and Kurt immediately wiped it away, listening to what the doctor had to tell them. Zack was a little bit dehydrated and on top of that he had had a panic attack. Furious, Carey had dropped the boys off at the Tipton and immediately took Kurt to Zack's therapist, who had been appointed to him when he had first been diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Now as Kurt sat in the office, listening to the man explain what had happened to his son, he wondered if they were ever going to get better. If their family was going to go back to the way it had been before, or if his illness was always going to be hanging over their heads, causing them to worry more than they should. People worrying about him was Zack's least favorite thing in the world, he would rather be on his own and take care of himself, but things had changed and he was going to have to be watched as long as he would have that disease.

But maybe that was the sign they needed, that they needed to figure out a better way to be sure he was getting the help he needed.

"So what does this mean going forward?" Kurt asked, finally speaking up. "That we have to keep him from triggering a panic attack?"

"You can't stop triggers for a panic attack nor can you immediately stop them when they start," Dr. Morrison explained. "But there are exercises and thoughts, mantras if you will, that you need to teach Zack so that when one does start, he'll know how to stop it as soon as he can. But it may be something he has to deal with for the rest of his life, much like with his eating disorder in general."

"Right, thank you."

"But what does this all mean?" Carey asked. "I don't understand. The reason we've been having him go through all of these appointments and doctors and everything is so that he can get better."

Dr. Morrison gazed at her sympathetically as Kurt reached out and grabbed onto her hand. "Miss. Martin, I understand your concern. He's one of your children and you want nothing more than for your kids to be happy and healthy. All parents want that for their children and when things like this come up, it can become difficult for parents to wrap their heads around it."

Carey nodded.

"But that doesn't mean that he's not the same son that you've known before his sickness." The doctor sat up straight tin his seat. "Let me ask you something, if I'm not speaking out of turn. After you had Zack and Cody, did you ever get diagnosed with postpartum depression?" Carey slowly nodded. "Right, well, in the cases of that sort of depression, just because you got better afterwards and went on to have a really good life, that doesn't mean that you're not capable of having it happen again, if you managed to have another child."

Kurt snorted. "Trust me, this one doesn't want any other children, I tried," he commented, pointing to Carey. Carey gave him the stink-eye before leaning over and punching him on the arm. Absentmindedly rubbing his arm, he continued. "So what does this mean for going forward? I don't think actually watching him any closer is what he or any of the rest of us would want."

"Just continue to treat him like your normally do," Dr. Morrison said calmly. "But still be there when you think he needs you. And, may I make the suggestion that you make sure you continue to give the same sort of attention to Cody as well. If Zack and Cody are as close as I think they are, then there's bound to be some problems that arise there. Just be sure that you're there to listen if either of them wants to talk."

"Of course."

Carey and Kurt stood to leave and Dr. Morrison rose from his seat as well. He leaned over his desk and shook each of their hands. He bid them farewell and went sat back down, going back to his paperwork, focusing on the papers that sat in front of him. Carey and Kurt left the office and headed back down to the car. Carey didn't speak again until she and Kurt were o their way back to the Tipton hotel.

"Do you think we've failed as parents?" She asked Kurt.

Kurt, who hadn't expected that question, looked at her, startled. "Because of this? No! No one can ever expect something like this to happen. It's no one's fault. What…what makes you say that?"

"It's not just what's happened to Zack, it's everything," Carey admitted. She let to a weary sigh. "I've been thinking about everything Zack and Cody have been through since they were born and I can't help but wonder…what if we had decided to stay together? What if we stayed in Seattle?"

"If we decided to stay together, we probably would've killed each other," Kurt admitted. "I mean, we're such different people and despite both of us wanting kids at some point, we just weren't compatible. And if you had stayed in Seattle, Zack and Cody wouldn't have the friends they have now. And you know they'd do anything for their friends."

"Yeah," Carey agreed. "I know. I'm just… so worried." She pulled into the parking lot of the Tipton hotel, going into her reserved space and hung her head. A few seconds later tears glistened down her cheeks and Kurt leaned over, giving her a hug. He rocked her back and forth as she continued to cry. "I want things to get better for him, but I don't know how."

"I know, I know. I want the same thing," Kurt reminded her quietly. He rubbed her back. "The only thing we can do right now is continue to be there for Zack and help him the best ways we can. Right now he's going to school part-time and we need to keep being there for him, as a united front." He pulled back and grinned at her. "Even if we can't stand each other."

"I can't stand you as my ex-husband but as my friend, you're alright," Carey replied. She chuckled as the two got out of the car and gazed up at the Tipton hotel, the boys' home for the past seven years. "I remember when we first moved into this place. Everything seemed too simple then. The only thing I had to worry about was the boys destroying the hotel. Then it was catching them with girls in the suite when they weren't supposed to. Now I'm worrying about their graduating and, and their future, and…I don't know if I can handle it."

"I know." Kurt put his arm around Carey's shoulders and gently hugged her to his side. "They're really growing up."

"And then I'm assigned to the pictures for the homecoming parade and for the soccer games and stuff," Bailey said to Max as she looked over the clipboard that was in her hands. "But hey, at least it won't take as long since you're helping me now."

She handed the clipboard over to Max and opened the closet at the back of the room the journalism and yearbook classes met in. She picked up the camera that was closest to her and signed it out on the sheet of paper resting next to it before leaving the closet. "And not that I'm not excited to finally have someone help me with this stuff, why are you?"

Max shrugged as she looked over the clipboard in her hands. On the front page held a list of the things they needed to shoot that day. "I guess I just wanted something else to do," she explained. "I mean, I have all of these dance competitions I go to outside of school, dance during the fall, and basketball during the winter, soccer in the spring. I guess I realized I didn't have a lot of time to hang out with my friends so I decided to switch some things around."

"Meaning?" Bailey pressed. She waved a hand and the two girls headed out of the classroom and to the athletic fields where they were to get some shots of the field hockey game done. "I thought you liked doing all of those things?"

"I do," Max agreed. "I took out dance team because I'm already on a team outside of school, and then I'm probably not going to do soccer in the spring. I just felt that I was missing out on a lot of stuff. And besides, it would give me a chance to get my mind off of things."

"What things?"

"Hey Bailey, Hey Max." The two girls looked up to see Drew of the famed Drew Crew heading their way. He rubbed his hands together as he came to a stop in front of the two of them. His eyes shifted back and forth, leering at them. "Now what are you two fine ladies doing here on a Saturday?"

"We're here to take pictures of the field hockey game," Bailey replied, lifting the camera in her hands. She tried not to let her irritation with Drew show.

She didn't know him personally, but she had known about the things he and his friends had done. How he had tried to take advantage of Zack's and Cody's friendship and nearly took control of the Tipton hotel, how he had pressured the twins to drop Max and Tapeworm as their friends because they weren't 'cool' enough to hang out with. Even when she had met him in her freshmen year of high school she knew that Drew wasn't the kind of person she wanted to associate herself with and did her best to avoid him.

Not that it meant he was any less popular than he had been in middle school. He and his crew still managed to rule the school, the most people students and threw the most infamous parties that everyone talked about for months afterwards. The stories that were spread around had a ways to make some of the geekiest students the new popularity while others had their reputations ruined faster than they could blink.

She never wanted to get stuck in that mess.

"Well, while I have you, I wanted to make sure you guys got the invite to my homecoming party," Drew continued. "It should be a blast."

"I'm sorry, Drew, I thought we were the ones that you acted like didn't exist," Max said sarcastically. "I wasn't sure that we even came up on your 'radar'." She used air quotes around the word before crossing her arms. "Unless you want something."

Drew licked his lips as he looked Max up and down. "Oh, I want something," he said to her. "Let me know when you get tired of Tapeworm. I'll be glad to be the next in line."

Max growled and started towards Drew, but Bailey threw out her arm and held her back. "Get out of here, Drew! We don't have the time or the patience to talk to you right now!" She grabbed onto Max's arm and started to walk around him, heading down the hallway.

But Drew called after them, undeterred. "Oh, don't get bent out of shape like that, you know I have nothing but love for you two. But you should think about going to the party, Max, there'll be plenty of guys there for you to choose from."

Max spun on a dime and started to turn back towards Drew, but Bailey tightened her grip and kept walking. Once they were out of the building and out in the sunshine, she let go of the brunette's arm. She watched as Max let out a cry of fury, turning and kicking at the trash can that sat nearby knocking it over with the vicious kick. Bailey watched her quietly. "I'm guessing that's what you were trying to get your mind off of."

Placing her hands on her hips, Max nodded as she started to pace back and forth, hoping to burn off the excess energy. "I'm so tired of walking down the halls and hearing people whisper about me and Zack or me and Tape whenever I go by. Yeah, I know that our breakup was really public but…can't people talk about anything else?"

Chewing her lower lip, Bailey said quietly, "Well, I mean, you did kind of cheat on him," she reminded her friend.

"Zack and I…we had a lot of problems in our relationship," Max said. "We didn't communicate a lot and all we did was play pranks on people and make out and…stuff," she shifted her eyes away from Bailey, as if ashamed. "And we never really actually talked. I think we liked the idea of being together rather than being together being a good idea. And Tape…I've known him forever, he knows every part of me that I haven't told anyone else before. I've always known he had a crush on me, since we were kids, but I didn't think it would happen because we were best friends. But when he kissed me—"

"It was like it all made sense?" Bailey broke in. Max gazed at her in surprise. "Yeah, I felt the same way when Moose and I started dating. We were friends first and we knew a lot about each other, especially since we grew up together. It seemed like it was supposed to happen." She shook her head. "But it doesn't always work out. I always knew he could be very…particular about things, it didn't bother me until it seeped over into our relationship."

"Which is why you're trying to avoid him now." Max nodded. "Makes sense."

"Not only that but because I have such big hopes for graduation." The two girls moved onto the fields and started to walk around to the bleachers so they had a better view. "I want to go to Yale. I am going to go to Yale; it's always been my dream. And…I want to make my parents proud. After our farm failed…Mom and Dad were really upset and didn't know what to do. So when we moved to Boston and I started to go to school here I worked as hard as I could to be sure I'd have a better life. A life Mom and Dad could be proud of."

"That's really nice, Bailey," Max said.

"Kind of ambitious though, I can admit that. I mean, it's the only reason that I freak out about my grades so much; why I'm always in such a competition with Cody. I just want them to be proud of me."

"As long as you don't get a reputation like me, they will be proud of you." Max laughed and put her arm around Bailey's shoulders. "I have an idea, why not before the homecoming dance, us girls get ready together. I think we deserve to have some time to ourselves and not worry about the guys so much. Besides, it'll be fun."

"Hmm, watching four tomboys try to keep themselves from getting dressed up as long as possible? That's a highlight of my life." Bailey giggled. "I'm in." I just have to find the money for a dress and shoes. "But right now, we need to make sure that we get these shots done or else we'll get kicked off of the committee."

"Hmm, watching girls whack a ball with a stick. Fun."

Bailey nudged Max on the arm and went to the top of the bleachers and focused her camera, zooming in to get a good shot. As she took picture after picture her mind wandered to the thoughts she wouldn't ever normally allow to come into her head. What if she lost her position on the yearbook committee? What if she didn't get the best grades in the class? What if she lost out on all of those scholarships she didn't have a choice but to get? It was the only way she would be able to get to college, a dream that she had always had along with her dream to travel the world.

All of those dreams needed money, what she didn't have at the moment.

Once the farm had gone belly-up, so had her college fund. Her parent had been devastated when they had to break the news to her and her family, being the eldest of the siblings remaining at home; she knew the best thing for them was to go to Boston with her parents to get a good education and a good job. It had been hard to watch her sisters get split up amongst the rest of her relatives while she left, but her life wasn't meant for her to become a farmer's wife, she needed something more.

But what happens when that 'more' is even further out of your reach?