DISCLAIMER: I neither own Glee nor the characters. They are the property of Ryan Murphy and FOX. This is purely for fun. Enjoy! :)

Close Quarters

Chapter Eleven: A Living Hell

He thought it would be simple after that night. A fight like theirs just couldn't be forgotten easily, and he was convinced that she wouldn't want to live another second in the apartment with her volatile roommate who had spoken to her so brutally.

But he should have known that nothing was easy when you lived with Rachel Berry.

She didn't give up without a fight.

For the next few days, she had tried everything to try and get him to talk to her again. He was avoiding her at every turn: waking up at the crack of dawn so he could be out of the apartment without seeing her, and staying out until late at night so he could sneak into his room without being seen. She had left him plates of cookies, brownies, letters of apology; the works. He didn't know how to respond to them, so they went untouched and ignored. Sometimes he heard her knocking lightly on his door late at night, hoping against hope that he would open up to her and talk things through. Those were the hardest to ignore, but he had to.

The worst part was that he wasn't even mad at her anymore. It didn't take long for the anger he'd felt that night to turn into a massive, choking guilt; guilt for the way he'd spoken to Rachel, guilt that he hadn't told her the truth from the beginning, and the overwhelming guilt that she would have to suffer for his mistakes.

The anger he felt now was turned inwards; he was furious at himself for being a pawn in Jesse's game and not having control in his own life anymore. He was angry at the people who thought that they had a right to mess up his plans. It felt like he was a puppet these days, and more and more people kept pulling his strings until they threatened to snap. All he wanted was to find comfort in Rachel's arms and forget about the drama that his life had become. Now it seemed like his life was a living hell, and he couldn't do anything about it. But besides the guilt and the anger that had been a constant all week, he was just plain sad. He missed Rachel, but he had to kick her out. She didn't deserve this; where was the justice?

His avoidance of his roommate had been successful all throughout the school week. It was easy to find things that needed to be done around campus; he had spent hours in the library studying for the looming threat of midterms and in the theater for tech time. The weight room and the training field was where he spent the majority of his time, and he always had an ear out for any comments made by the coaches or the other players about him. Thankfully, they were still unaware.

It wasn't so easy to avoid her on Saturday, when there was nothing to distract him during the morning before the game versus Indiana. He had woken up late to the smell of apple pie pancakes and his heart dropped into his stomach. She was pulling out the big guns now, trying to get back on his good side, and he didn't know how much longer he could close himself off in his room before he had to emerge and get ready for the game.

Yelling at her hadn't worked. Ignoring her hadn't worked. He was going to have to confront her in some way, but how? He barely had the strength to look at her he was so ashamed of himself, how was he going to get her to leave the house without completely destroying whatever relationship had been cultivated in the apartment?

Taking a deep breath, he crawled out of bed and made his way into the bathroom to start his day. Under the hot steam of the shower, he tried not to focus on the inevitable conflict that was looming on the horizon, and tried to pinpoint the second his life had fallen into such disarray. He failed miserably and cursed the horrid luck that had been plaguing him all year. He never wanted the shower to end, but unfortunately Finn could no longer delay his busy afternoon. Sooner or later he would have to talk to Rachel about this; he might as well go and talk to her like an adult instead of ignoring her like a child. He got dressed and ready for the game before finally emerging from the bedroom and walking towards the kitchen.

She was sitting at the table, staring at the large heap of apple pie pancakes like they had the answers to all her questions. The kitchen was clean besides the huge stack of his favorite breakfast food that was waiting to be eaten. He stood in the doorway for a minute, frozen. He couldn't do this to her; she already looked so broken.

"Hey," he said, softly, while her head whipped up in surprise. She stared at him with blank eyes until her lips turned up into a surprised smile.

"Finn!" She jumped out of her seat and leaped towards him, grabbing him by the hand and dragging him to the table so he could eat his breakfast. He let her guide him around the kitchen, feeling horribly guilty for what he was about to do. "I thought you would never talk to me again! I was so worried."

"Rachel, there's something I need to talk to you about." He tried to continue, but Rachel cut him off before he had the chance to explain.

"Please, Finn. There's something I've been dying to tell you all week. Please let me go first." Her eyes were wide and pleading, her hands were clasped together like she was begging, and he just couldn't say no to her. She deserved to speak her peace.

"Go ahead." That's it Finn, keep delaying the inevitable. . .

She straightened out her posture and sat up as straight as she could, tucking her hair behind her ear and taking a deep breath. "I can't even begin to explain how truly sorry I am that I let your secret slip to Jesse. It was contemptible and deplorable and I am so ashamed of myself." He could see the guilt burning in her eyes which made him feel even worse; she shouldn't have to feel guilty for his mistakes. "But truly, I meant no harm, and I was only trying to get him to leave us alone." She reached across the tale to place he hand on top of his and the simple comfort he received from the gesture was more than welcome when he was positively buzzing with anxiety. "Because I was serious when I said I wanted to be with you, and I should have told you this a long time ago." She held onto his hand in a death grip, afraid that he would let go. "But I'm in love with you. I think I've been in love with you since the very first week I moved in but I was so scared and stupid to admit it out loud. I should have never let my insecurities get in the way of what we had because it was so real and so beautiful and I want it back. Please Finn, I love you."

She was begging him for an answer, but his brain had officially stopped working once the confession of love had escaped her lips. He continued to stare at the petite girl who had bewitched him in every way possible; the girl who was now asking for his forgiveness when he was the one who should be begging for hers. There was no way he could kick her out of the apartment now. His mouth started to open and close like a fish out of water, and a twinge of panic entered her gaze. "Finn? Please, talk to me. Say something."

He couldn't. How was he supposed to respond to that and still fulfill the terms of the blackmail? His heart was telling him to kick her out, to save himself and his future. But his heart was screaming at him to take her into his arms; to tell her the truth and reciprocate her feelings. Hadn't he loved her from the very beginning as well? As much as he'd tried to deny it over the past six weeks he knew that there was a certain bond that he had with Rachel that he'd never felt before. It was love. He was in love with her, and she was in love with him.

He was so screwed.

She was still waiting for him to say something; to respond to the confession that was currently breaking down all the barriers that he had put up around him over the past week. He felt like he was trapped in their tiny kitchen nook and he suddenly pulled his hand away from hers while he registered the broken look on her face. If he opened his mouth right now, he knew a giant, emotional "I love you" would fly off his lips without warning, so he just grabbed his gear, stood up and bowed his head sadly before turning around to leave.

"I'm sorry," was all that he was able to choke out before running to the door and leaving Rachel alone with her untouched pancakes and her confession still hanging in the air.

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It was no wonder why the team lost their game against Indiana. Finn was so unfocused throughout the game that he was fumbling the ball, making incomplete passes, and screwing up even the simplest of plays. The whole team was thrown off balance because of Finn, and they had officially lost their first game of the season. Thankfully, their record had been spotless until now, but the loss still stung.

Focusing on the game was hard when he knew that his roommate wasn't in the stands, cheering him on and making him feel confident and capable. He doubted she was even watching at home; she was probably furious and heartbroken, and it hurt to even think about how she must have felt after he'd walked out on her this morning. Just the thought of her sitting alone at their table with a plate of cold, untouched pancakes was enough to make him unfocused and upset.

He dragged himself down to the locker room after the game, where spirits were low and his teammates were visibly frustrated. It was unfair to blame a team's loss on one specific person, but he could feel people's eyes on him when he slumped into the room dejectedly, trying to ignore the reporters who were begging for an interview. He lifted up his head high enough to catch his teammates eyes on him, and he turned away from them all, ashamed, while he cleaned up.

What he needed was a distraction. He couldn't possibly go home now; not after what he'd done to Rachel this morning. He needed time to figure out how he was going to deal with his situation at home, but he knew that no one would be throwing a victory party tonight. No, he had to find another place to go and drown his problems in alcohol. Yeah, that's exactly what he needed to do; go the old-fashioned route and just drink until he couldn't feel feelings anymore. That was much easier than having to see Rachel's tortured, pleading face in his head all night long.

After he packed away his things, the locker room was almost completely cleared out, save for a few guys. He noticed Puck on his way out, and he jogged to catch up to his frat brother. "Puck!" He called out, and Puck turned around and gave Finn a small nod.

"What's up, Hudson?" They shook hands and Puck didn't seem mad at him for the game, so he figured he could tag along with him all afternoon instead of having to face Rachel.

"Do you know of any parties tonight? I'm looking to get trashed." Puck looked at him with squinted eyes for a second before nodding his head slowly.

"Well, I'm heading to the TKE house to pre-game. The Delta Tau's are having a huge mixer tonight and the TKE's are invited. You in?" He smiled as he shook his head. He'd found the perfect distraction; alcohol, drunk sorority girls. . .

"Yeah, I'm in. Let's bounce."

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Well, he had been right. Alcohol was the perfect distraction.

After a good two hours of downing every beer in the frat house, he stumbled along with his other brothers to the Delta Tau house, not too far away from his apartment, sloshed and semi-coherent. In fact, he was so drunk he forgot why he'd needed a distraction in the first place. Why was he so upset again? Right, right, his team lost the game. . .

He plowed his way through the sea of co-eds that had gathered in the small sorority house to make his way to the keg, when he felt someone pulling at him and demanding his attention. When he was pulled away from the group and into an empty room, he realized that there was more than one set of hands that were pulling at his clothes. A sly smile spread across his face when he realized that the Monaco Twins had pulled him away into a spare bedroom, and his mind started to swim with the possibilities. Both girls looked at him like was a king, which made him feel much better after the team's crushing loss.

"Hey ladies," he slurred messily. "What's going on?" The girls shot each other coy looks while they started to circle around him, trailing their hands over his shoulders and arms.

"We've missed you, Finn." Was it Trish or Anna who was speaking? He couldn't tell.

"Yeah, you never come and hang out with us anymore," the other twin said with a lilt in her tone.

"So we wanted to remind you of what you've been missing." One of the girls started to massage his back and shoulders while the other one reached over to scratch her nails down his chest. His body was starting to respond to their ministrations and he smiled wolfishly as they continued uninterrupted. The girls started to pull him down onto the large bed that was in the far corner of the room, and as Finn fell onto his back he had to adjust himself on the lumpy sheets. Rachel's bed was infinitely more comfortable than this mattress was. . .

With that one errant thought, Finn was snapped back to reality, remembering the true reason as to why he wanted to get wasted in the first place.

Rachel.

Her heartbroken face, the blackmail, the confession of love, the looming threat of having to evict her from the apartment. Who cared about the game versus Indiana when the girl he loved was heartbroken and suffering because of him?

The girls continued to drape over him and plant kisses on his face and neck while he stared at the ceiling with his eyes wide open. As drunk as he was, the guilt and pressure from before was now intensified thanks to the alcohol, and he couldn't focus on the foxy co-eds when he knew he had to go home and make things right. He was brutally honest when he was drunk and this was going to be his chance. He had to go home and see Rachel.

He started to push the girls away from him, but they protested, hanging onto his clothes and not allowing him the space to move. He didn't want to hurt them, so he gently removed their hands from his clothes and they looked at him like he had three heads. In another life, he would have slept with the two of them in a heartbeat. But Finn was different now, he had changed. He was no longer the football stud who slept around and partied hard. She had changed him; Rachel had given his life more meaning and he couldn't use alcohol to forget that.

"Listen ladies, I am really sorry about this, but I have to go."

"You have to go? Do you have another threesome you have to attend?" The ladies looked pissed and he couldn't blame them, but he knew he was doing the right thing.

"No, I'm in love with someone else." As disappointed as the girls looked in that one moment, they nodded their heads in understanding. He went up to them and gave them high fives before he left the room, downed one more beer, and headed off into the night.

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When he entered the apartment, the lights were shut off, giving the illusion that Rachel was either asleep or not at home. But he knew better; she was here, and she was awake.

The alcohol that had been swimming in his system was giving him a kind of courage that he didn't normally feel, and he marched up to her door and knocked softly, hoping that she wouldn't ignore him, even though he deserved it. He had put her through much worse. Reaching for the doorknob, he turned it slowly to see if it was locked and it was, making him feel worse than ever before. Her door had always been open for him, no matter what. Now she was shutting him out, the way he had shut her out this morning.

His stomach started to churn painfully when he realized how badly he must have hurt her. The threat of Jesse's blackmail was still hanging over his head but he no longer cared. It was nothing compared to the way her broken expression pierced his every thought. It was nothing compared to how much he needed her smile and laughter to brighten up his day. He was nothing without her; he couldn't even play football properly anymore!

And he needed her to know.

"Rachel?" He tapped on her door lightly again, and he heard a slight movement coming from inside, but the door stayed shut. "Jesse is blackmailing me." He spoke to the door, because he knew she could hear him and it was easier to talk to an inanimate object than his fiery roommate. "He told me that he was going to report me to the NCAA about the agent if I don't find a way to kick you out of the apartment before midterms. That's the reason why I've been ignoring you and stuff." Would she even believe him? Did he even deserve her forgiveness? "But I don't want to do it anymore, Rach. I want to be with you again, like we were before all this bullshit had happened." He took a deep breath and let his head fall forward until it was leaning against the door. "But at the same time, football is the reason why I'm in school. If I get kicked off the team, my life is ruined, and I'll be nothing." He could hear nothing from behind the door and he continued his speech uninterrupted. "But that doesn't just erase the fact that I love you too, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost. And I'm so sorry you have to be in the middle of this." After a few seconds, there was still no sign that she was even listening to him, and he started to turn around and walk away.

He didn't make it three steps before she opened the door with tears in her eyes. Turning around to face her, she looked up at him with wet eyes and all the pain and frustration started to melt away as he pulled her towards him for a tight embrace. They stayed like that for a long time.

"It's true, isn't it?" she said, after a long, silent embrace that didn't need words. "Jesse really is blackmailing you over me?" He nodded against her and held her even closer to him, afraid that the aforementioned TA would just swoop in and steal her from his arms.

"Yeah, he told me he would lower my grades by the letter for every week you stayed. If you're not out by midterms, he's gonna tell everyone." She shook her head against him and she stomped her foot in anger.

"That's not fair! He can't do this! I won't let him do this!"

"Rachel, there's nothing we can do but follow his rules."

"No! I refuse to play his game, there has to be some way to stop him. . ." She couldn't continue, because Finn had captured her lips in a kiss that made their previous conversation obsolete as they reveled in the feeling of being together again. She was so compassionate and understanding; he didn't deserve her forgiveness, yet she had opened the door and let him in once more.

She pulled him closer to her as they made their way towards her bed, reaching for the other's clothes as their lips were tangled messily in a battle for dominance. It doesn't take long for the clothes to fly off while they lied together on the bed, their hands entwined around their bodies while nothing but moans and sighs fill the air.

She climbed on top of him first, straddling his waist while he wondered idly how he deserved her forgiveness and her love. He sat up and captured her lips in one last kiss before she pushed him onto the bed and glided him into her, making his head swim from the blissful feeling of her body. He never wanted this feeling to end; when this was over they would have to face reality again, but right now, they were lost in the other person. He could barely remember who Jesse St. James even was.

She looked down at him from above and he was captured in her intense gaze as she started to move agonizingly slow. With their eyes locked together, he realized that this was unlike anything else they had ever done. Sure, they'd had sex before, but this was different.

They were in love.

And that changed everything.

He soaked in every sound that escaped her lips and committed it to memory. He grabbed onto her skin like he never wanted to let go. He touched everything that was in reach and his fingertips tingled. He drowned in her, just as she drowned in him.

The languid lovemaking lasted a while, and to him it felt like he had caught up on a lifetime's worth of emotion. He had never felt so alive before; even though they'd done it on numerous occasions it was somehow different now. It felt like he was gasping for air with every wave of pleasure that crashed over his body and he never wanted it to end. But when she collapsed on top of him, sweaty and spent, he only needed a few more thrusts before he joined her in ecstasy.

The room was very quiet now. No one made a move or a sound in the small bedroom as Rachel climbed off of him and slumped onto the bed next to him. He wrapped an arms around her to pull her close, but he couldn't find the words to express what was going through his head. Unfortunately for him, she had the uncanny ability to always know what was on his mind, and she voiced the question that he hadn't the strength to ask.

"So what are we going to do about Jesse?" The silence in the room became thicker and thicker with every second that passed. His throat was dry and he had to choke out his simple answer.

"I don't know." The silence stretched on.

"I have an idea," he turned around to face her and her eyes bore straight into his, unflinchingly. "I think you should turn yourself in."

Finn shot up in bed, shocking Rachel with his sudden movement. "Rachel, are you crazy?" She looked offended and she sat up as well, using the sheets to cover up her nakedness.

"No, Finn, I am not crazy. Think about it. You approach the coaches and explain your side of the story before anyone else has a chance to explain otherwise. Were you aware of the consequences of your actions when Bryan Ryan first approached you?"

"No."

"Then you did nothing wrong, and if you explain it that way then they will have no reason to kick you off the team because it would prove that you were targeted and you didn't act of your own volition." She was begging him to see her logic, but even the thought of having to explain his scenario was scaring the shit out of him. "You need to stand up for yourself, Finn. Be the man I love and fight for what you love. Don't just give up and play by someone else's rules. Fight for football, Finn. Fight for me."

"Rachel, you don't understand. I could lose everything."

"Well you're going to lose me if you don't stand up for yourself and make things right." Her arms were crossed over her chest and he could tell that this was quickly becoming an ultimatum. If he stood up for football and reported himself, he would lose the respect of the whole university and the privacy that he cherished so much. But if he hid his secret and played by Jesse's rules, he would lose Rachel, the one girl he'd ever truly loved.

Her eyes were pleading when they made contact again, and he wished there was a way he could make her understand. Football was his life; it was his everything. He would be nothing without it. A loser. A nobody. When he didn't answer her, she started to pull on her clothes, throwing Finn's at him from across the room.

"Get out."

"Rachel, please, you have to understand. . ." She interrupted him while he hastily tried to pull on his boxers.

"Oh, I understand, Finn. I understand perfectly. But I can't be with a man who can't stand up for what he believes in. Who can't stand up for what he loves. I'll be out of the apartment by morning." As tiny as she was, she grabbed him by the sleeve of his t-shirt and pulled him off her bed, pushing him out of the door while he just stood there and allowed it to happen.

"Rachel, don't do this. I love you." Her only reaction was a slight quiver to her lips before she slammed the door in his face, locking it immediately and closing him out of her space.

When he woke up the next morning, she wasn't there. A simple note was left on the kitchen table saying she would be back for her other possessions soon.

He spent the day curled up in her bed, mourning the love he wasn't strong enough to defend, and breathing in as much of her scent as possible before the smell of apple pie went stale.

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Until Next Time. . .sings. . .Don't Stop. . .Reviewing!

Merci Mille Fois