Izaya blinked rapidly. Then burst out laughing.
"Oh dearie, that's too much!"
"Shut up!"
Dr. Phil gestured Shizuo to keep quiet. And somehow it worked.
"Now, why don't you tell us more about this dream?"
"Dreams don't mean nothing...like I said, it was Izaya but he was a girl. I'm not a homo, he was a girl in my dream."
This seemed to be a point of honor for Shizuo. Izaya rolled his eyes and giggled.
"That's hardly the biggest problem here, Shizu-chan. But who could tell that you'd be raping me in dreams."
Shizuo jumped to his feet, glaring crazily.
"Don't lump me with the likes of you! There was no rape, you wanted me to do you!"
"...good thing that was just a dream."
Dr. Phil slapped the notes across his knees.
"Dreams tell us a lot about people, m'kay? It is very interesting that in this dream of yours everything was very consensual."
"But he was a girl..."
Dr. Phil tucked his feet one behind the other and did another forward leaning swerve.
"Girl or no girl, fact remains that it was Izaya in your dream."
Shizuo's blush deepened to dark crimson and he paced up and down as if he needed to do something. Oprah followed him a few steps behind but Shizuo did not even notice.
"Doesn't matter, it's all the damned flea's fault anyway."
Izaya clicked with his tongue and offered a piece of his wisdom:
"I must say that I am shocked, absolutely shocked."
Dr. Phil set his small beady eyes on Izaya who did not at all care for the twinkle he saw there.
"You think that the dream is bad? How about your roleplaying habits?"
Izaya squirmed and fretted.
"There is nothing particularly wrong in having certain preferences in terms of clothing when it comes to sex. It sets the mood."
"Huh-uh. The mood, huh. How about having your girls wear short blonde wigs and bartender outfits with skimpy skirts? Remember that video? It was all there."
Izaya's smile died on his lips. He coughed.
"That is, well, just an extra kink-"
"And you don't find it strange that you make your sexual partners dress up as Shizuo? And let's not forget that you call them 'Shizuo'."
This caught Shizuo's attention.
"That's messed up. Crazy flea."
"Oh give me a break. I'm not the one having wet dreams at this age. Grow up, will you?"
"I can't choose what I dream about! It's out of my control! Your sick games with vests and stuff, that's just- just- sick!"
Izaya was about to inform Shizuo that he was being redundant. But Dr. Phil cut him short.
"Shizuo has a point there. It's true that you can't control dreams."
"See? I've been saying that for a while now..."
Dr. Phil swung so fast that this time around Izaya was sure that he was about to pull a Humpty Dumpty. But no, Dr. Phil's balance seemed unshakable. Izaya suspected that not even a 9.0 earthquake could change that.
"What do you think that says about you, though? It says that you do have a subconscious attraction to him! How more obvious does it get? Huh? This is what you really feel without the interference of conscious regression. Just admit it already!"
Shizuo stammered.
"But- but- he was a girl in my dream...he's not a girl in real life...I'm no homo!"
"M'kay. A closet case if I ever saw one. Two of them, even."
Dr. Phil stared intently at Izaya who looked peeved.
"For the record, I have a very healthy sexual life with females."
"Hmm...and males too, I believe."
This did make Izaya flail.
"That is not particularly relevant."
"Right..."
"Yeah, no wonder the flea is gay! He looks gay."
"It's called 'bisexual' if you must know and it is none of your business anyway."
Shizuo and Izaya spent some time glaring at each other. Dr. Phil let them and then changed topic.
"M'kay, so let me see if I got this right: you've been trying to kill Izaya for years now, correct?"
"Yeah! Cuz he's, well, Izaya."
"Huh-uh. Throwing vending machines and other heavy objects at him regularly, right?"
"He deserves it, too."
Dr. Phil made a show of scanning his notes carefully.
"Then, how come he's still alive and kicking?"
"Er, he's shifty. Dodges stuff real well. Fleas can jump a lot, you know."
"Has it occurred to you that you don't actually want to kill him?"