CHAPTER 11

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LEARNING TO LET GO

I didn't even try to give myself any time to rest after what had happened. I just plunged straight into the next test in an attempt to keep myself going when all I really wanted to do was to collapse into despair.

The minute that I returned to the TARDIS I entered Ishtar's newest weapon coordinates into the console and dematerialized without saying a single word. The others all looked at me with sympathy but said nothing.

What could they say? What would possibly make me feel better after what I had just been put through?

"Christina, I'm sorry," Giacomo finally said after a few minutes as he tried to put his arms around me to comfort me.

I quickly pulled away from him as I said, "It's okay."

"No, it's not okay. You're in more pain than I've ever seen you in before, Mia Bella. You have to talk about this with someone," Giacomo said with concern.

"Just leave me alone," I said as I tried very hard to keep my emotions in control.

"Don't keep poking at that particular wasps' nest, Giacomo," Lydia warned in a low voice.

She had been my friend for a long time now so she knew that I was about to explode if I was pushed any further. I could tell that she wanted to comfort me herself though from the worried look that she gave me.

"Just let it go," Jacqueline quickly added.

I could hear Giacomo let out a deep breath before he said to me, "I'll be here whenever you feel like talking about it, okay?"

I looked at him and nodded briefly just to let him know that I wasn't angry at him. Then I immediately returned my full attention to the console as I started to do some quick research on the TARDIS' computer.

What I found there made me even more upset if that were possible.

"She disappears," I said in a worried voice.

"What?" Giacomo asked in confusion.

"She stays at that prison for a few more months after I left her there and then she just disappears. One day she just isn't there in her cell, and no one ever finds out what happened to her. She just vanishes without a trace. I can't find a trace of her anywhere in any historical records after that," I said.

"So what? Maybe she just escaped," Lydia said in a hopeful voice.

"Yeah, she probably took up a new identity and lived a whole new life somewhere. Maybe she actually wound up happy after all," Jacqueline said.

"Yeah, because that actually happens in real life, doesn't it?" I said in a bitter tone.

"Christina, you shouldn't have been checking up on her future. What if you had discovered that she died? Your reading about it would have made it a fixed event that way," Giacomo warned.

"In some ways this is even worse. She just vanishes without a trace. Maybe she did die. Maybe the Trickster got his revenge on her for backing out of their agreement," I said in an emotional voice.

"Christina," Giacomo said in a gentle tone as he tried to put a comforting arm around me.

"Not now," I said firmly as I pulled away from him once more.

"I said to cool it, Giacomo. Stop trying to push her," Lydia hissed in warning.

"I just can't stand to see her in so much pain. It's like the whole world has gone dark whenever she doesn't smile and there's no light in sight," Giacomo admitted.

"Yeah? Well, you'd better just get used to it!" I suddenly shouted in anger.

Then I immediately added, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"I know, Christina. I know," Giacomo said in a voice filled with compassion.

I was about to reach out to him when the TARDIS suddenly chose that moment to materialize. I immediately ran outside without even thinking about it in order to put all of my pain behind me for a while.

That turned out to be a huge mistake as I found myself hip deep in trouble right from the start. I was in the middle of a bank vault, and I could already tell that the alarms of this place were only seconds away from going off because I had just set off a motion detector nearby.

"Stupid! That was a stupid, stupid rookie mistake," I grumbled to myself as I knew that I should have immediately checked the entire area with the TARDIS' sensors before I even headed out.

"No need to worry, Chrissy. I've got this," Lydia said as she started to turn the alarms off.

"No, I created this mess and I'll fix it. I'm going to do that with all of my mistakes from now on. I'll take care of them all, okay?" I said.

"Okay. You've got it," Lydia said in a slightly hurt voice.

"Lydia, I didn't mean . . ." I started to say.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. Shouldn't you get to fixing those alarms before it's too late, Miss Problem Solver?" Lydia said with a warm smile.

I briefly smiled at her as I nodded and pulled my Cosmic Lock Pick out of my jacket pocket and aimed it at the motion sensor closest to me. I immediately switched it off and through it all of the alarms connected to it as well. All of those hours practicing how to use Andromeda's gift were finally paying off after all I thought with my first real smile since I had left Ada.

It quickly faded away even as a series of crisscrossing laser beams shot up everywhere around us.

"Well, I've switched off the motion detectors so naturally here comes Phase Two," I noted.

"This is just like the movies. It's so cool," Lydia said in excitement.

"Not if you have to move through them it isn't. Let's see if I can switch it off," I said as I looked for the correct setting on my lock pick.

"Why not let me do that for you, Chrissy?" Jacqueline offered.

"I said that I was solving my own problems from now on, Jackie. I've got this," I said stubbornly.

"Headstrong git," Jacqueline muttered.

I didn't even rise to the bait and tell her off like I usually would. My heart just wasn't in it anymore.

"She really is heartbroken," I heard Jacqueline whisper to herself in a sad voice.

I ignored her as I pointed the lock pick at the lasers and activated it as I said, "There. That should do it. They should be going off any second now."

When nothing happened after a minute of waiting, I sighed and said, "Or maybe not. Great. I guess it's the hard way then."

I put the lock pick away and started doing some warm-up exercises as I said to myself, "I hope that I'm still in good enough shape to do this. I'm a little out of practice."

"You certainly look like you're in good shape to me, Mia Bella," Giacomo said with an evil grin.

I actually laughed a little at that as I said, "How in the world did you ever get your reputation with women with cheesy pick-up lines like that?"

"They probably liked his looks more than his lines, Chrissy," Willa said.

Everyone looked at her in surprise as Lydia said in an annoyed voice, "Just what do you think that you're doing? Are you trying to steal my shtick? That's the kind of wisecrack that I would usually make."

"I just wanted to make her smile. I hate seeing her like this," Willa admitted.

"Listen, everyone, I'm going to be okay. Just stop worrying about me so much and let me do this, alright?" I said with a sigh.

"We will. It's just that we all love you so much and we want to help," Lydia said.

"I know and I really appreciate that. Just stop trying to cheer me up, okay? You're all driving me crazy. Right. Well, there's no time like the present to get this over with is there?" I said in exasperation.

Then I took a deep breath and started running towards the lasers just before I started to flip and cartwheel across the room while I effortlessly moved in and out of the lasers that blocked my path. I couldn't help but feel elated that I still had it even after being out of practice at this sort of thing for so long now.

At least I could still do something right. I immediately found myself wishing that I could navigate my way through the troubles in my life as easily as I did those lasers.

I finally made my way past the last obstacle and then found the switch that would cut the lasers off. As I turned them off so that the others could get through, I quickly discovered the next challenge awaiting me as a large cage fell down around me trapping me inside of it instantly.

I immediately tried to use the lock pick to open the cell door only to find that it had absolutely no effect on it. I groaned in frustration as I realized that the lock was one of the few deadlock seals that even Andromeda's magic key couldn't get me through.

"Well, someone's certainly done their homework haven't they?" I said.

"Now will you stop being so obstinate and finally let one of us help you, Chrissy?" Jacqueline asked.

"No. I can do this," I said still refusing to give in.

I began to whistle one of my favorite songs, the Pink Panther, to myself (if you've ever seen any of the movies you'll know why) without even realizing it as I instantly started to come up with a way out of this trap that I had landed myself inside. I began to try to pry apart the floor underneath me which I had noticed was made of several interlocked segments and discovered to my joy that what I had guessed about it was true. There was a series of access tunnels under the floor.

"If you can't get through something, then just go under it I always say," I said still whistling with a grin on my face.

I was beginning to feel happy once again as I finally came up against a problem that I could solve at last. If only I could fix my life so easily. Then I realized to my horror that I was enjoying this and feared that I would wind up getting hooked on the thrill of stealing once again as a way of escaping my pain.

I swore to myself that I wasn't about to let that happen as I slowly and carefully made my way through the tunnels until I was sure that I was past the cage. Then I took out another panel above me and reemerged back through the floor to find that I was now standing behind the cage.

I smiled in triumph as I said, "Yep, still got it."

I instantly shook my head as I said, "I'm not enjoying this. I'm not."

"Christina, are you alright?" Giacomo asked with concern.

"I'm fine. Stop worrying about me so much," I reassured him as I continued to move on to the next challenge.

"She's smiling way too much now all of a sudden," Willa said.

"Yes, I know. That's what's worrying me," Lydia admitted.

"You know I just don't get you people. First you're worried that I'm not happy, and then you're worried because I am. Nothing satisfies you lot does it?" I said in aggravation.

"We're not going to let you go back to your old ways like a crutch just because you're in pain," Jacqueline said.

"I'm not, Jackie. Don't worry. I'm not doing that. I promise," I said.

I really hoped that I could keep that promise. Right now the exhilaration of all of this was the only thing making me feel even the slightest bit alive right now instead of dead inside and that scared me. A lot.

I could so easily give into temptation right now and backslide if I didn't watch myself. The pain in my soul really was that intense at that moment.

The final and greatest challenge quickly took my mind off of all of my worries as I instantly felt my brain being assaulted by a hidden presence. It instantly felt as if my mind was on fire as I started to scream in agony.

"Christina!" Giacomo shouted in concern just before he and the others all started to be attacked as well.

I watched with even more guilt than I was already feeling as Giacomo and the others were now being assaulted just like I was. This was my fault. All of it. I led them here and now I was going to get them all killed. This was what I did though wasn't it? I ruined lives. I destroyed everyone around me that I loved. All I left was devastated and broken people behind me when I was finished with them.

I was better off as a thief I thought to myself. At least when I was a thief, I never ruined anyone's life. I was much happier then. I was . . .

"No!" I screamed as I quickly overcame this train of thought. At least I had done it for now anyway.

There's so much guilt in you. It was like a beacon in the night calling out to me from across the building almost as soon as you arrived here. A voice said in my mind.

Who are you? I asked even as the pain in my head became worse by the moment.

They call me the Teller even though that's far from sounding anything like my real name. I'm afraid that I am also about to become your executioner because you're been found wanting. You were trying to rob this bank so according to my captor's rules you have to pay for that with your very existence. I'm truly sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to save my mate. The voice answered.

Your mate? Where is she? I asked curious despite myself.

I don't know. All I know is that she is being kept prisoner somewhere nearby so that I will remain the guardian of this place. They know as long as they have her that I'll do whatever they want including kill. The Teller responded.

I'm sorry. I know what it's like to lose someone that you love and to want them back so desperately that you'll do anything. I said sympathetically.

You feel guilt for that don't you? You blame yourself for it. You also feel guilt for enjoying your attempted theft once more for the first time in a long time. You're trying to reestablish a love of theft in order to block out your pain. That won't work of course. The Teller admonished me.

I know it won't. I just want to . . . I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I guess you're about to take care of that for me in a minute anyway though aren't you? Pretty soon now I won't be feeling anything, will I? I asked with a dry sense of gallows' humor that was definitely nothing like me.

There's so much pain raging through your soul. You're not an evil or malicious person. You couldn't be or you wouldn't be in so much pain. You don't deserve to die. I can sense that you're not stealing for personal gain but for a noble purpose. You are not a thief at heart at all. You . . . are pure. The Teller responded in surprise.

Really? Then why am I getting such pleasure out of all of this all of a sudden? I asked with even more guilt that left me wailing in agony now and unable to even think.

Don't you understand? You substituted the thrill of your thefts to fill the emptiness in your heart that was left there by the loss of your family when you were young. That emptiness was later filled by your new family: Giacomo and your friends. Now it's been reopened once again by your sister's rejection of you. You're not really a thief at heart, Christina de Souza. You're going back to it to fill the void in yourself because you want your sister back. The Teller answered as he instantly read my mind and knew more about me than I did myself in a single moment.

I knew that he was right. He was right about everything but what could I do about it? I just couldn't let go of all of this guilt over everything that I was holding onto like it was a life preserver.

Now I was going to die because I couldn't get over the feeling that what had happened to Ada was my fault somehow.

Then I remembered something that a very wise man that I once met had told me that had gotten me through many hard times to come in my life. He said that guilt could sometimes be a good thing as it kept us from making the same mistakes over and over again and caused us to want to be a better person the next time around. He also said though that guilt could become a weight around your neck that would easily sink and destroy you within a sea of despair if you let it.

Sometimes you had to be wise enough to know the difference between those two types of guilt and let it go.

He sounded like someone who definitely knew what he was talking about.

I still remembered him even after all of this time. He had premature white hair and ruffled sleeves that only served to accentuate his really weird and very old-fashioned taste in clothes. He was the same one who told me that very good advice about being afraid by the way.

I learned a lot from that man. He taught me so much in the brief time that I knew him. Looking back on it all, it was almost as if he knew that I would need to know all of that later.

That couldn't be though of course.

Taking my old friend's advice to heart I did something that I never would have thought myself capable of doing. I let my guilt go and set myself free from it because I was determined not to die here because of it.

I forgave myself for all of it because I had to in order to make it through this in one piece.

I still had a sister to save after all and one way or another I would someday. I made up my mind to fix her life for her now somehow in some way whether she ever forgave me or not. No matter what I had to do in order to do it that's what I would do.

I would do whatever it took to save her . . . even stopping an irresistible force like the Teller.

This . . . is impossible! The Teller said in shock as he felt me overcoming his power.

That's me alright. All of my life everyone's always said that I was impossible. They were saying that about me long before I ever even heard of Clara Oswald. I replied with a huge smile on my face.

I was back.

Now I just had to find the Teller and put him out of commission before he made guacamole out of the brains of the others. Out came the Cosmic Lock Pick once again as I started using it to track down the Teller's unique life signs. I soon found him in no time and came face to face against him where he stood in his cell.

"I'm sorry about this because I know that this isn't your fault, but I can't let you stop me," I said to him out loud as I used my Lock Pick to stun him.

As soon as the Teller fell to the floor, my friends all started to call out for me because they couldn't find me. I had done it. I saved them.

Now I just had to find what I came here for and get out of here.

It didn't take but a moment of searching to find the correct box number where the potion that I had come here for was being kept. Now it was only a matter of using the Cosmic to pick the lock on it and it was now mine.

"Mission accomplished, Ishtar," I said out loud with a triumphant smile once I had it.

What was really making me smile was that I no longer felt like stealing anymore. Letting go of my guilt had saved me from backsliding again just as the Teller (and my strange old friend) had said that it would.

"So it is," Ishtar said with a proud look on her face as she appeared to take the potion away from me.

"Can't you help the Teller find his mate and set them free? He really wasn't that bad of a guy," I said.

Ishtar smiled as she said, "No, I can't do that but don't worry. Someone else will very soon now. He won't have to stay here much longer I promise."

"Good. So I guess as soon as the Doctor and the others catch up to me I'll be on my way once again. Where to next, boss?" I said enthusiastically.

"Well, look at you. You certainly bounce back quickly don't you?" Ishtar said in amusement.

"I do when I have something worth looking forward to once again. After I'm finished with all of your missions if not before that, I'm going to help Ada whether she likes it or not," I said with determination.

Ishtar nodded as she said, "I'm sorry for what happened to her. I would have stopped that if I had known. I promise that I would have."

"I believe you. You're a good person despite how you treat people sometimes," I said.

"Maybe but you're definitely a better person than I am. You not only resisted the temptation to go back to thieving once more, but you didn't give into your guilt and despair. You overcame all of that and passed the latest test. Congratulations, sweetie," Ishtar said as she beamed away at me with pride like I was her own child.

I grinned as I said, "You'd better stop that, Ishtar. If you keep praising me like that, I'm bound to get as big an ego as the Doctor's in no time. Let's just get back to business, okay? Where's the next weapon?"

Ishtar nodded as she said, "You don't have to worry about that for now. How about a nice little change of pace for a little while instead? Go visit Giacomo's mother. You never have met her after all so now's just as good a time as any."

"What?" I said surprised.

"Go see your future mother-in-law and relax some for once, Chrissy. It's okay. You can relax sometimes you know? It's not exactly against the rules or anything," Ishtar said with a smile as she put her arm around me.

"Is this because of the way I was acting before? You don't have to do that if it is because I really am better now. I can keep doing the tests," I said.

"It's got nothing to do with that, Christina. I just want you to rest a little. If you do then the answer to where the next weapon is just might come to you even without my help," Ishtar said.

"Huh? Is this a part of the test?" I asked.

"You'll see. Just relax and go see your future family, okay? You'll thank me for it. I'll see you later, okay? Take care of yourself," Ishtar said as she suddenly kissed my forehead.

I smiled as I realized that it didn't feel weird for her to do that at all. I had become very close to her over the last few weeks, and she seemed to be just as much a part of my family as Lydia was now. I loved her just as much as I did Lydia now too I realized with surprise.

"The feeling is more than mutual, sweetie," Ishtar said reading my thoughts from the look on my face as she smiled at me fondly before suddenly disappearing right in front of me.

That was when Giacomo and the others finally found me after having searched forever it seemed. I immediately hugged and kissed Giacomo as I looked at him apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't mean to treat you that way. You don't deserve it. Do you forgive me?" I asked in-between constant kisses.

Giacomo smiled as he said, "If you keep kissing me like that, I could even forgive you for blowing up the TARDIS."

"Watch it. I may just hold you to that someday," I said with a grin as I continued to kiss him.

"Well, all's well with the world once more it seems," Lydia said happily.

"Not quite," Jacqueline said with a frown.

"What is it?" Willa asked knowing her well enough by now to know when something was bothering her.

"When I was being killed by whatever that was with my own guilt, I realized that most of it was about what I did to Anthony," Jacqueline said.

"That doesn't exactly surprise anyone, Jackie. You've been upset about that for a while now," Lydia said.

"Yes, but you don't understand. I felt some guilt towards Davros but not much because I knew that he would eventually get over it. I felt more guilt, much more, because I had hurt Anthony. Now I know why that is. It's because he's the one that I really love. He's the one that I really want to be with not Davros. It was always him. I was just confusing my friendship and deep affection for Davros for love because I just felt so sorry for him and wanted to help him. I realize what I have with him is nothing at all like I feel for Anthony though. I need to get back together with him if I still can. I have to, Lydia. I just hope that he'll still have me after what I did to him," Jacqueline said in a sad voice.

Willa smiled at Lydia who returned her smile as she said, "Oh, I have a feeling that we'll find out very soon now about how he'll react to that."

"What are you talking about? What did you two do?" Jacqueline demanded.

Suddenly Anthony appeared next to her thanks to his Vortex Manipulator and he said, "Did you really mean all of that?"

"How did you even hear me?" Jacqueline asked as she continued to stare at Willa and Lydia suspiciously.

"Let's just say that I turned your words into a transmission across time and space that luckily by sheer coincidence that Anthony picked up on his Vortex Manipulator just now," Willa said with a mischievous grin.

"I may have helped with the aiming of that transmission and made sure that it got to the right spot," Lydia admitted with an evil grin of her own on her face.

"Who cares how it happened, Jackie? Did you mean it?" Anthony asked.

"Of course I did. I love you, Anthony. I always have ever since we were kids and I always will. I'm so sorry for hurting you. Do you forgive me?" Jacqueline said in an earnest tone.

Anthony's only answer was to pull her close to him and give her a long, passionate kiss.

"Good work, partner. I think you know what it means to be a good friend after all," Lydia said to Willa in approval.

"It's definitely a good start," I agreed as I hugged both of them for what they had just done for Jackie.

"So where are we going to next after we pry Jackie away from Anthony?" Giacomo asked.

"To see your parents," I said.

"What?" Giacomo asked in surprise.

"Ishtar said that it was time for me to meet your mum, and I happen to agree with her. I want to meet Calliope and Wilf, Doctor. I mean I am going to be their daughter-in-law someday," I said.

Giacomo smiled as he said, "She's going to love you. I know she will. You're also going to love her and Wilf. Oh, you'll really love Wilf. Everyone loves Wilf!"

"It looks like I'm about to too then. Let's go meet your parents, Giacomo. I have something very important to tell them after all," I said with a grin.

"What?" Giacomo said again with a dumbfounded look on his face.

"Oh, come on. It's hardly a secret, Doctor. I mean everyone knows about it," I said grinning more and more by the minute.

"What?!" Giacomo said again as his jaw hung open.

I kissed him as I said, "I love you. That's what I'm going to tell them, Doctor. What did you think that I meant?"

"Well, I thought . . . I mean that is, uh, I . . ." Giacomo babbled.

"That's what I wanted you to think because I wanted to see your reaction. How would you feel if I really was pregnant?" I asked him point blank.

Giacomo smiled as he said, "I would be the happiest man in the universe if that were true."

"Maybe someday it will be, Doctor," I said as I kissed him happy in the knowledge that he wanted a child just as much as I did.

Lydia smiled because she could already see what I couldn't. She saw a little girl standing beside me who she was sure that both of us were going to spoil rotten.

What child wouldn't want an Eternal who could grant them any wish as a godmother after all?

"Come on, everyone. Let's go back to the TARDIS before the Teller wakes up. Are you coming, Anthony?" I asked already knowing the answer.

"I'm going everywhere that she goes from now on. Forever," Anthony said as he looked deeply into Jacqueline's eyes while he said it.

Jacqueline smiled as she said, "So that means that the wedding is definitely back on then?"

"It was never off to me, Jackie. I could never marry anyone else. It was always going to be either you or no one," Anthony said as he kissed her.

"Well, it looks like there's going to be even more good news for your mum then, won't there?" I said to Giacomo happily.

"Let's go give to her in person then," Giacomo said as he started to lead the way back to the TARDIS with me right by his side all the way.

Ishtar smiled as she watched us from the dimension of the White Guardian and said, "You are the one, Christina. I know that you are. I no longer have any doubts about that now after this last test. Soon I'll finally get to make up for my failure at last. Somehow I'm going to save this universe either one way or another. This time I won't just stand by and watch another universe burn prematurely. That's never going to happen again! Not on my watch."

Next: Christina meets Calliope and Wilf. How will they react to her? What will this whole visit have to do with finding the next weapon anyway and how will Christina be led to it this time? Plus we'll receive some information on the whereabouts of the missing Ada Mullins. Just where did she go anyway?