Chapter 11

A faint buzzing cut through the silence. Elliot stared down at the phone vibrating on the counter in front of him in annoyance. He swallowed hard. His hand was trembling as he reached for it, wanting so much to believe that he knew who was on the other end of the line.

From Fin.

The tiny sliver of hope that welled up inside him died in an instant. He flipped the phone closed, not even bothering to read the message displayed on the screen. He didn't need this tonight. Fuck Fin for interrupting the silence he'd fought so hard to achieve. No sooner had he set down his phone when it began to ring.

"You gonna answer that?"

Elliot's eyes narrowed, turning to the voice beside him in a silent challenge. The hazel eyes that stared back at him weren't filled with the anger and annoyance he'd expected. His heart sank. They were filled with pity and empathy--eyes that didn't pretend to understand the situation, but understood the feeling of not knowing where to turn. Fuck pity. Fuck understanding. No one could understand. He didn't trust himself to answer, didn't trust his voice not to waver. Elliot stared back, anger churning in the depths of his eyes, wanting so much to believe that it could be enough. He needed to stay angry. It was the only way he was going to survive another night, because when the anger left, the only emotions left were those he wasn't ready to acknowledge.

The ringing finally quieted, and Elliot breathed a sigh of relief in the moment of reprieve. Then it all started again. He buried his face in his hands, not trusting himself to look up, not trusting himself to answer, and not sure at what point his life had shattered into a million pieces.

"Elliot Stabler's phone."

Elliot snapped his head up out of his hands at the sound of Ray's voice.

"Fin, it's Ray Maloney. Look…" He paused glancing up in front of him. "Yeah, Elliot's here. You might want to…ok thanks." He snapped the phone shut, sliding it back across the table. "Elliot, why don't you go home?"

Elliot shook his head wordlessly. When he finally found his voice, he spoke softly. "I can't, Ray. I don't have anywhere to go."

"Jeffries." The clipped voice that answered the phone was met with nothing but silence. Monique rolled her eyes and started to hang up the phone.

"Wait." The voice on the other end of the line was rushed, breathless.

"Who is this?"

"This is Sara, Sara Breswick. I'm a nurse at Mercy General Hospital. You gave me your number when you came to interview Olivia Benson."

Jeffries drew in a sharp breath. She allowed her voice to soften. "Yeah, I remember." She was silent, afraid to voice the question she knew she needed to ask. "Is everything okay with Olivia?"

The hesitation on the other end of the line was unmistakable. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't even be calling you."

"Sara, wait!" Monique's voice was sharp, frantic. "Wait! Please…please tell me."

"It's just… I'm worried about her. The doctor released her from the hospital about an hour ago."

Jeffries didn't even realize she was holding her breath until she felt her body relaxing. She exhaled softly. "That's great news!" Then slowly, it dawned on her. Apprehension crept into her voice. "So why are you worried about her now?"

The voice on the other end of the line was soft, timid--showing every bit of a youth that Jeffries had never noticed until now. "It's probably nothing, but she wouldn't let me call anyone to tell them she'd been released."

Jeffries heard the rushed explanation and rubbed her eyes, feeling a sudden wave of exhaustion. Of course she wouldn't. Olivia was too damn stubborn to admit she needed help. "Sara, how did she leave the hospital? She didn't have a car, any clothes, money?"

A spark of guilt welled up inside of her. Why the hell hadn't she checked back up on Olivia? Why hadn't any of them checked up on her? They had let her push them away, had intentionally ignored the one thing that had been drilled into their heads from the moment they first stepped foot in the unit.

You don't leave a rape victim alone. Even if she pushes you away…

"I gave her some hospital scrubs to wear, and she said she was going to take a cab."

"How the hell did she expect to pay for a cab?" Monique's words were suddenly sharp…far too sharp. She could hear the voice on the other end recoil. "I'm sorry, Sara. I'm not angry with you." The words tumbled out quickly. "It's just…we should have been there," she managed hollowly. "Sara, did she say where she was going?"

"She told me that she was going home. She said she'd call someone when she got there." Jeffries heard the rising hope at the end of Sara's words and shook her head.

"If I know Olivia, she has no intention of calling anyone. Look, Sara." She paused, listening to the soft breathing on the other end of the line. "You did the right thing. Thank you for calling me." She ended the call, her heart heavy in her chest and slowly drew herself up to her feet.

"Hey, Carl. I need to take care of something. Can you cover Studio 54 on your own?" Jeffries turned to her partner, ignoring the inquisitive, concerned expression on his face.

"Sure," he sighed, offering her a small smile. "I've got you covered."

Jeffries stood up to leave, reaching for her keys. She turned back toward him. "Thanks."

"Can you please wait?" Olivia fought to keep her voice even, her eyes pleading with the annoyed cab driver. "I'll be right back. I just…need to grab some cash." Her voice wavered slightly.

The driver stared back at her, accusingly. Finally he sighed reluctantly. "I'm not stopping the meter."

"Okay." Olivia breathed a sigh of relief, letting the door fall shut behind her. She was climbing the stairs to her building when it hit her—a realization that sent her reeling back with utter panic followed by deep trepidation. Her footsteps slowed, resigning herself to accept the inevitable. Olivia reached forward, tugging at the door with a fierceness born out of a desperate need to escape.

Her worst fears were confirmed. The door stood its ground, silently acting as an unyielding barrier that threatened her ability to get away from it all.

I can take care of myself.

The words echoed in her head now, silently mocking her, a tribute to her inability to accomplish even the most mundane task on her own. She had become hopelessly tangled in the inevitable, desperately clinging to a strength and an independence that had been painstakingly stripped away from her by the one thing that had defined her life since the moment of conception.

Olivia staggered back, suddenly unable to deny what everyone around her had long since realized but had no idea how to communicate. She couldn't do it on her own. Olivia Benson needed help.

The silent admission shook her to her core. Humiliation and shame swept over her, relentlessly pounding away at what was left of a barricade that had long since been washed away. It was the absence of a single key and twenty-two dollars in cab fare that shattered the final semblance of control.

Olivia slid to the ground, her lungs gasping for breath against the tears that wracked her body. The tears mingled with a gentle breeze that seemed to tear through the thin fabric of the hospital scrubs, obliterating the final trace of a strength she no longer possessed.

Fin's eyes traced the room slowly, solemnly taking in the scene before him. His footsteps heavy, he finally forced himself to step forward toward the bar. Ray nodded at him silently.

"Elliot."

There was no response, no movement. Elliot was slumped up against the bar, his head buried in his hands. Fin reached over gently to pry his hands away. "Go away."

Fin's heart sank at the bloodshot eyes. He slid into the seat next to him. "You know we're all hurting here, Elliot."

"Go to hell."

Fin tensed slightly. "Look, Tucker had no right to go off on you like that, but don't you dare try to put this back on me."

Elliot turned toward him with glazed eyes. "That's right," he slurred. "You were just doin' your job."

"You think I turned the photos over to Tucker?" Fin's voice was incredulous. "Tucker brought them to us. Munch and I are bustin' our asses trying to work this case on our own. Where the hell have you been?"

Elliot snorted. "Didn't you hear? I'm off the case."

"Look, I've had enough of your bullshit. Now if you want to sit here and get wasted, that's fine with me. I just thought you might want to know that Munch got a statement from Olivia."

Elliot's head snapped up. A harsh laugh escaped from his lips. "Oh, so what you're telling me is that now you believe me."

"This isn't about believing you. Everyone in this squad is on your side, Elliot." Fin fought to control the anger rising within him.

"Yeah, sure. I forgot…everyone except me," Elliot mumbled flippantly. "It's my fault."

The last bit of control shattered. "You're damn right this is your fault," Fin retorted sharply.

Elliot staggered back, startled. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Fin's words were laced with iciness and anger. "I read the report," he hissed. "The only reason Olivia wouldn't come forward is because of you."

The eyes that stared back at him were suddenly completely sober. "What do you mean because of me?" Elliot interrupted.

"Oh, come on. How can you forget?" Fin sneered. His voice changed, imitating Elliot's. "I need to know that you can do your job without waiting for me to come to the rescue."

The words hit him with a force that sent him reeling backward. Elliot staggered back, his face white in shock. "I…I didn't mean it," he whispered. He felt the bile rising in his throat. Elliot looked around frantically, not sure where to go, or how to escape. He swallowed hard. "I didn't mean it."

Fin took a deep breath. "Then you sure as hell better make it up to her cause I'm not gonna let you hurt her again. She's put up with enough of your bullshit. She doesn't need any more, not from you. So pull yourself together."

Elliot's eyes were shimmering with tears. "I want to help her," he whispered.

Fin nodded curtly. "Well, you're sure as hell not helping her here. Come on, Elliot, let's go." He threw a wad of cash across the bar at Ray and took a step toward the door. Elliot didn't move. "Come on, I'm taking you out of here." His hand wrapped around Elliot's shoulder, spinning him around toward the door.

Elliot jerked away, his eyes staring straight ahead at the bar, the expression on his face ashen.

"Goddamn it Elliot. What the hell's the matter with you? I said we're leaving," Fin snapped.

Elliot was rooted in place. "Fin, that's Olivia's jacket."

Fin spun around to face Elliot, his eyes seeking out the object in question. And then he saw it. "Damn," he whispered softly.

Elliot was already ahead of him. "Ray, where the hell did you get that jacket?"

Ray turned away from the man across the bar from him. "Excuse me?"

Fin interceded quickly. "Ray, that jacket--where did it come from?"

Ray crossed back over to them, reaching for the jacket on the coat rack behind the bar. "This one here. Someone left it here last week," he noted casually.

"What day last week?" Elliot demanded.

Ray paused, wracking his brain to remember. "Must have been Friday night. Wait a minute…isn't that the night you said Olivia went missing?"

Fin nodded grimly. "Yeah, and you're lookin' at her jacket." He reached forward to snatch it out of his hands.

"You think it will help?" Ray asked, his voice hopeful.

"Only one way to find out. Come on, Elliot. Let's get this straight to the lab."

Her footsteps were quiet as she crossed the street toward the awaiting cab. Without a second thought, Monique slipped a few bills out of her pocket and tossed it at the awaiting driver.

"Who the hell are you?"

Monique turned back toward the voice. "Does it matter who I am? As far as you're concerned, I'm the one paying this fare. Now get the hell out of here."

The man stepped back stunned. "But this isn't…" The glare she shot back silenced him immediately. "Whatever," he mumbled. He slid into the drivers' side, slamming the door shut behind him, and pulling away from the curb.

As he disappeared around the corner, Monique turned back around and saw her. Her back was to the building, her knees drawn to her chest, and her head resting lightly on her hands. For the first time, Olivia was completely oblivious to the outside world. Monique felt her breath catch in her throat, felt it constricting until she thought she would never be able to fill it with oxygen again. She willed her body to rely on instinct, willed it to somehow allow her to find the strength she knew Olivia desperately needed.

As she approached her quietly, she could see Olivia's shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Monique slammed the palm of her hand on the button of the controlled access panel at the door before slowly turning to do what she dreaded the most. "Olivia, honey. Come on. It's going to be okay." Gently, she moved closer to wrap her arm around her trembling shoulders, drawing her up to her feet.

Olivia tensed as soon as she felt the touch. She let out a soft whimper.

"Olivia, look at me," Jeffries instructed her gently.

Olivia cautiously raised her head to meet Monique's troubled eyes. A shaking hand reached up to brush away the tears flowing freely down her face.

"Come on, let's get you inside." As she spoke, Jeffries turned toward the door, silently summoning the super to respond to her call. She was relieved to see a man standing at the doorway. Jeffries flashed her shield, and the door swung open.

"Now, what do you people want?"

Jeffries' glared down at him. "Not a word," she snapped. "Just open the damn door."

Turning back to Olivia, Monique placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, a silent touch of support, while allowing her to maintain the dignity she desperately needed to begin the ascent toward her apartment. It wasn't until the door slammed shut behind them, and they were alone, that Olivia finally spoke.

"I thought…I could…do…this…on my own." Her words were broken, shattering what was left of Monique's already crumbling resolve.

Monique helped her over to the couch and knelt down beside her. "Honey, you don't have to do that. We're here for you. We're all here for you." Her arms circled around Olivia's still trembling shoulders and drew her in, silently offering her the only thing left in the world. She felt Olivia's body stiffen and then slowly relax as together their tears melted together into one.