Honour Thy Children

Chapter 11

Breathe... keep breathing
Don't lose.. your nerve.
Breathe... keep breathing
I can't do this.. alone.

Exit Music (for a Film) Radiohead

AN: Thank you for the reviews and thank you to Nickyfan for her beta.

Catherine was sitting at her desk reading away as Nick approached her door after finishing his shift. He hesitated before knocking. He was scared.

Admitting to her that he was the 'son of a bitch' who walked away from Mandy after finding out she was pregnant with his child was scary on several fronts. He knew he'd endure a female wrath for being a typical male chauvinistic pig. He knew she'd make him go to Ecklie and admit that he is tied to Mandy.

However, in spite of all that, he also remembered that Catherine was the only person who knew his secret.

He knocked and swallowed his nerves.

Catherine looked up, peered over her glasses and smiled, waving him in. He did so and closed the door behind him.

"Well this is a nice surprise." She stood up and walked around her desk to embrace him, "So nice to see a familiar face."

"Thanks Catherine." Nick withdrew and asked, "I'm sure Greg is doing a good job as Interim Assistant Supervisor."

"Oh he's doing a great job, but he's not you, Nicky." Catherine sighed. "I get tired of listening to his Vegas stories."

Laughing, Nick took a seat, "Yeah, I treated them like white noise."

Catherine leaned on her desk and studied him closely, "You look like you got the weight of the world on your shoulders, Nicky."

He leaned back into the chair and rubbed his chin trying to figure out where to start.

"I'm...I'm...in a bad spot, Cat...I really need to talk to someone."

Concerned, she nodded and took a seat in the second chair besides his, "Sure...anything...I'm all ears."

Nick folded his arms and tried to find the words, but they seemed stuck in his throat, "I'm...I've been such a son of a bitch..."

Catherine's eyebrows knitted together, "Why would you call yourself that?"

"Cause I'm a selfish, a fucking selfish, self-centred asshole!" Nick felt his throat tighten and he started to rock back and forth, his rolling into fists, his veins prominent.

"Nick! I've never, ever heard you ever call yourself those names in the 12 years we've known each other."

The water works were forming in his eyes and slipped down, "Well, I guess you don't really know me, do you?"

"I know you better than anyone else in Vegas." Catherine smiled warmly and ran her hands up and down her skinny jeans, "And I don't think you're any of those things. You are wonderful man with integrity and..."

"...who impregnated a lab rat and left her high and dry." Nick said blankly and waited for the explosion.

Instead, he received an amused smile as Catherine leaned back in her chair, folded her arms and told in a contrite voice, "I know."

Nick gulped nervously, "You do?"

"I knew you two were seeing each other. I have eyes and I have instincts.' She slid a blonde strand of hair behind her ear.

Slumping into his chair, Nick grumbled, "So how can you still think of me as a guy of integrity?"

"Because I also know why you're acting this way, and why you're running." Catherine's face grew solemn, "When Ecklie first told me he was transferring you to CETS, I had my reservations and I did object, but I wasn't able to give him a good reason. I know you can do the job, Nick, but you are the last person who should be working in a unit like that, not with your...history." She fumbled over the last word, "There are some triggers that can't be handled, no matter how strong the person is."

"I'm not that strong. I mean in the past several weeks I feel like I've been hit by two Mack trucks."

"Well working in this unit must take a piece of your soul, especially after what you have gone through..." Catherine chose her next words carefully, "I mean, it's like watching yourself being attacked, isn't it, Nicky?"

Her words hit him full throttle, "Catherine." He spoke slowly, "You don't know how close to the truth you are about what's really eating me." Nick felt the familiar tingling of a full fledged panic attack. The kind he had after his burial. It took almost two years before he could be in a small space without feeling as if he were going to have a major cardiac arrest.

Instantly, Catherine pulled the chair closer and clasped his hands, "Breathe, Nicky, breathe. Take slow deep breaths." She squeezed his fingers, "It's going to be okay."

"No...no...it's not..." His eyes welled, "Catherine...there's..." The tears were flowing, "Cat...she made a video..."

"Who?" she looked confused.

"She made a video of me..." his voice was tight, almost like a child, "She taped her...me she taped herself molesting me and posted it on a porn site." The words sounded so insidious, even he couldn't believe it.

Catherine's jaw hung in shock as she struggled to find the words, "Who...how..."

"It's Brenda Cane." The words finally blurted out, "It's her. She did it!" He leaned back in the chair taking deep breaths to ward off the panic attack, his hands rolled into fists.

Get a grip, Nick! Get a grip.

Stunned silence followed the admission as Catherine stood up and sat on the edge of her desk trying to comprehend the news.

Finally contained, Nick calmly continued, "I saw the video. It was my room. My bed. My walls. My posters. It was me. I was nine years old and I was sick and she used my dad's video camera!" The tears rolled down his face. "I was just a kid, I was sick and she just...did these things…to me...I can't...even...it's..."

"You are sure it's her?" Catherine asked and clarified, "I mean you were so young, Nick."

"I took a copy of the video home, played it on my computer and compared what I saw on it to pictures from my mother's photo album. It's her. It was my room. It was me."

"Jesus Christ! I don't know what to say, Nicky." Catherine's arms slumped to her side.

"It's on Ben Seabird's porn site and oh yeah, it's her!" Nick ran a trembling hand over his face, "That video has gotten over 500 000 hits! That means there's almost a million fucking people who have seen me being molested, Catherine!"

"Oh God!" Catherine, usually so stoic was clearly struggling to remain calm.

"Sick bastards!" he growled. He hated the way he was feeling right now, vulnerable, violated, disgusted with himself. "I should have fought her, Catherine."

"You were a child, Nick!" She shot back vehemently, "You know that. You couldn't do anything about it." Tears slipped from her blue eyes, "You were a little boy who just got the worst kind of babysitter that night and there was nothing you could have done. She was a predator."

Nick finally allowed the walls to crumble within him as he wept it all out like a lonely puppy. Just like the day after he found out about Mandy's pregnancy and how internally he just shut down like a newly outsourced factory.

Catherine was always the safest person to do this with. She never judged him. After Nick was done, she went over to her bar fridge, opened the door and took out a bottle of water and brought it back.

"So why are you scared to be a father? What has all this got to do with your child?" She pulled out another chair and sat across from him, clasping his hands.

"He deserves better than me." Nick felt more tears rush forth, "He deserves a dad who isn't damaged goods."

"He doesn't have to know what happened to you." Catherine implored and then added, "And you are not damaged goods."

He sniffled, "How can I protect him when I can't protect myself?"

Catherine took a deep breathe, "Well, running away won't protect him."

"Mandy deserves a better man to be a father to him."

"You don't want to relinquish that role? Do you Nick?"

"If it means the safety of my family..."

"What about Mandy?"

"She deserves a better man than me."

"How do you know what she deserves? Have you ever asked her?" Catherine stared pointedly at him, "In the few times I saw you, I could see the twinkle in her eye when she looked at you. It's the same look I saw with Sara towards Grissom, and the same one I see with Hodges towards Wendy."

"Must be the chemicals around here." Nick said with a small smile.

Squeezing his hands, Catherine continued, "Nick, you will make a wonderful father to that child. He will be lucky to have you."

Nick wiped the tears away from his eyes. "I thought for sure you'd give me hell."

"At first, I wanted to say something, but I figured you had a good reason to behave the way you do."

"And you knew it was me."

"Yeah, I knew. I was surprised when Mandy told me the father wasn't going to be in the picture."

"I bet your really disappointed in me?" Nick sniffled.

Catherine sighed and said sympathetically, "No, Nick. I knew you would start to come around once whatever was blocking you was moved."

"How did you do it, Catherine? How did you raise Lindsay so well in this crappy town?" He asked bleakly as far as he was concerned, no kid had a chance in hell in this town.

"She did turn out well, didn't she?" Catherine beamed proudly at a silver-framed picture of the young girl clad in a graduation robe. "It wasn't easy, Nick. I had my tough years, especially after her father died. It was very hard on her. Then she lost Sam and well..." She turned back to him, "I can tell you losing her father was devastating. He wasn't perfect, Nick, but he loved her and was there for her as much as possible in spite of his faults."

Nick's head drooped as he drank in Catherine's pearls of wisdom.

With warmth and encouragement in her words, she continued, "I think it would be good for you to be a father, Nick. You will find a new zest for your work. A new reason to fight crime."

He was still unconvinced, "But what if something happens to him? What if someone does the same thing to him as was done to me?"

"Nick, there're no guarantees in this world even when raising children." Catherine smiled sympathetically for a second before her face grew serious. "I think you not being a part of his world would be a very serious crime in itself, Nicky."

He blinked and looked around the room for a moment as epiphany settled in, "You're right." He nodded emphatically, "You're right and with that I'm going to find Mandy and make amends."

"She's gone home." Catherine informed him, her eyes twinkled with excitement.

Nick grew alarmed, "Is she okay?"

"Oh she's fine. She had an appointment and will be off tomorrow. She's been putting in some major overtime trying to save up money for when she goes on maternity leave, but I'm concerned about her wearing herself out, so I told her to take the day off."

"I'll go see her right now." Nick stood up and clasped his hands together coyly,"But I'm going to do some shopping first."

She beamed, "I think you should."

"You promise to give me some parenting tips?" A grin spread across his face. He was truly excited at the prospect of becoming a father.

"Absolutely."

He turned and was about to leave when the blonde woman called out, "Nick wait!"

Catherine held her hand to stop him, "There's something I think you need to hear."

"What's that?" he asked, a little anxious because he wanted, no needed, to talk to Mandy. Every second counts.

Catherine stood up, stared directly at him and said, "You should not be working in that department, Nick. You have a history and you definitely are walking a fine line of conflict given who your molester was?"

"I have to finish these cases, Catherine." Nick said defensively, "I've worked cases that walked the fine line of conflict before. You remember Kelly Gordon."

"But it's tearing you apart, so why?" she implored, "I don't understand."

"I want to see this finished." Nick explained, and briefed her with his case with Matthew Taylor, his visit with Pavel Cane and his and Sara's suspicions over who really killed Maddie Conway and finally his desire in bringing Brenda Cane to justice.

"She's been a busy woman." Catherine flopped down the desk blowing out a breathe in disgust and exasperation.

"Yeah," Nick scoffed, "I don't think Sheila was even there when Maddie was murdered." Then he asked, "But why would she take the fall for her mother?"

"She was manipulated to do so, or maybe she wanted to prove her love to her mother." Catherine surmised.

"Or maybe Brenda's got something on her?" Nick guessed

"All hunches, but no solid proof."

"Not yet." Nick said. "But I have a feeling Mrs. Cane's house of cards is about to fall down around her."

"So what do you get out of it besides constant triggers and emotional pain?" Catherine asked.

"This is my own form of therapy. I'm erasing just one more ghost from my past." Nick said determinedly as he made his way out of her office.

xxXXxx

Nick text messaged Gillespie letting him know he was going to take advantage of the overtime he put in and take the next day off. He gave no reason and worded it in such a fashion that there would be no arguments.

He did leave word with Julia to keep him updated on what she finds on the lap top.

Next he took a trip to the mall and picked up a few gifts and some groceries.

Then he headed over to Mandy's. He wasn't sure if she was home or not, but he'd wait.

The parking pass she'd given him still worked, and he was grateful for the generous amount of guest parking available. However, as he drove around under dim lights it was clear that all spots were taken. He cursed at whoever decided to have some sort of parking or family reunion.

Now there was public parking available, but it was five blocks from the building.

Nick found a spot and grimaced but paid the flat rate of $40.00, simply because he wasn't sure how long he would stay here. As far as he knew, it could be to no avail and he'd be out money. But he didn't care, he just wanted to see her.

It wouldn't have been such an arduous walk, except the grey clouds above unfurled and soon he was drenched to the skin He scurried along, worrying about some of the gifts he bought getting wet.

Butterflies fluttered about madly in his stomach as his teeth chattered from the cold. Nick wasn't sure if Mandy would allow him back into her life, but he sure and hell was going to try because he wasn't going to allow Brenda Cane to win again. He wasn't a child anymore, he was a grown man and he was strong enough to fight back against the past.

By the time he reached Mandy's building and ran up the steps. He was drenched from head to toe. Drops of rain flew into his face from the brim of his hat. He dashed into the building, and made a beeline for the elevator.

As soon as he reached Mandy's floor, he felt a rush of panic within him. He stalled.

My life is going to change dramatically no matter what happens with Mandy. I'm going to be father.

Ideas raced around his head. He could leave the bags, knock on the door and run. However, his legs froze to the floor as he reached the door.

Then he remembered Matthew Taylor's wife and the anguish she felt over her son growing up without a father. Nick scolded himself for being a coward.

Setting the bags down, he rapped the door and waited for a minute, his heard beating so loudly he thought for sure Mandy would hear through the wooden frame.

"Hello?" her voice sounded irritated.

"Hey, it's...Nick."

Silence.

"May I come in? Please?"

Silence for agonizing minutes and then he heard the tumblers click as she opened the door. She was dressed in a blue LVPD t-shirt and grey sweat pants. His eyes glued on her burgeoning belly in plain sight. Dark circles formed under her deep brown eyes, her black, but shiny hair was tousled and her luscious mouth set in a tight line.

Mandy studied him up and down and asked, "What are you doing here?" She looked downright angry to see him, it was not a good start. Nick shuffled his feet nervously.

Still he forged on and fumbled, "I'm...I just want to talk and to bring you stuff and..." His shoulders slumped, "Please, Mandy can I come in?"

Her eyes widened behind her glasses as she opened the door a little more and nodded, "Sure, I guess."

Nick carried the bags in, slipped out of his wet shoes as Mandy lifted one of them.

"It's okay, I got it." He wasn't going to let her carry the heavy groceries. Not in her condition.

But then he noticed she was holding a gift bag from Mastermind, a toy store promoting cognitive development.

A smile spread across her cherub face as she pulled a teddy bear with baseball hat out of the bag and then a baseball glove and a ball. A merry giggle escaped her lips and she looked up and said, "You realize the baby won't be playing baseball for a few years yet, Nick."

Grinning he said, "Well, I wanted to be prepared."

"What if it hates baseball and prefers piano?" she pulled t-shirts and a football out of the bag.

Nick shrugged, "Then I guess I'll buy a piano for him."

She eyed him suspiciously, "How do you know I'm having a boy?"

Embarrassed he mumbled, "I eaves dropped on a conversation you were having with Ray."

"Oh, I see." Then she dove into another bag and pulled out some clothes, sweat shirts and jeans. "These are adorable." She grinned as she held up a little blue t-shirt with a brown puppy on it.

Mandy set the clothes on her brown, leather couch with black duvet draped over it. It looked as if she'd been lying down watching some new show about a bunch of high school kids singing in a Glee club. She walked over and said warmly, "Thank you, but you didn't have to do this. I have it all covered." She stroked his wet sleeves, pulling away with an scrunched up face, "And you still haven't answered as to why you're here, Nick."

"I think the milk will go sour if I don't get it to the fridge." Nick quickly dashed over and opened the fridge. It was plenty full, but he still shoved all of Mandy's favourites in there, Harvarti cheese, milk, strawberries, peaches and butter, pure butter.

He felt her staring at him and he closed the fridge and noticed the bags on the counter from the local Chinese food store.

"Sure this stuff is safe for you to eat?" Nick wanted to grab the whole bag and give it to Hodges to examine for chemicals, chemicals which could hurt the development of his child.

"I've been eating there since I got back and we both are fine." Mandy strolled over and opened the brown bags and sighed, "Oh god this smells good."

"Let me get you a plate." Nick quickly moved in but Mandy stopped him and faced him, her eyes stern, her body posture stiff.

She's going to tell me to get the fuck out of here. And I deserve it.

For a moment, it appeared she had plenty to say. She started with a few words, and clamped her mouth shut.

Finally she spoke, "I'm going to get two plates." She motioned to the closet door." You're soaking wet and you have dry clothes in a bag in the closet. They're clean, a bit wrinkled but clean. Get changed and have some lunch with me."

A relieved smile spread across his face, "I'd like that very much."

They ate quietly. Nick realized he was starving. As he inhaled the springs rolls he noticed she'd cleared her plate and was helping herself to seconds.

She noticed him watching her and blushed, "I'm eating for two."

"You are indeed." Nick chuckled passing some packs of plum sauce to her.

The rain pelted against the windows, a breeze blew through as Anderson Cooper bemoaned the oil slick off the Gulf of Mexico.

"Cooper's a leftist moron." Nick grumbled.

Mandy glared at him, "Okay, I'll turn on Fox News and we can listen to Bill O'Reilly go on about how the oil will just break up naturally."

Nick snorted, "Yeah in forty years."

"Well that's what the ranting right goes on about!" Mandy snapped grabbing the last chicken ball before Nick could take it.

He stared at her nervously. He should have kept his mouth shut.

"Sorry," Mandy's eyes softened. "Hormones."

"I'm sorry. Anderson's right, well he's left...or he's...something...I don't know...he's dating this dude...and..." Nick nodded. "Sorry, I'm just..."

Mandy reached out and squeezed his hand, "It's not you. I'm just easily pissed off. It doesn't take much." She stood up and began to clear the table asking if he wanted any coffee.

"No, that's okay." Nick said as he began to help her.

"I'm fine." She said and faced him; their eyes meeting and his heart began a marathon as he waited to see if there was anything there to give hope of salvaging the damage he had done. He hoped like hell the little bit of warmth from her eyes was a clear indication he was on the right track.

"I'm sorry." Nick said to her breaking the tension, "I've been a major jerk about everything." He gently placed his hands on her face.

She smiled crookedly and shrugged, "I guess you just weren't expecting the news."

"No I wasn't, but it was still no excuse for the way I acted."

"If you don't want to be with me, then say so, but be there for him."

"No," Nick insisted, "I want to be with you. I've been miserable since you left." He held her close, whispering, "I just freaked at the idea of being a father."

"I'm scared shitless too, Nick." Mandy rasped, tears welling in her eyes. "And even more scared because I was going to have to do it all alone, and I just couldn't fathom it."

"No, you're not going to do it alone." Nick stroked her back comfortingly, "I want to be here now with you both, if you'll have me?" He drew back and awaited her reaction.

She answered him with a zealous kiss, her arms entwined round his neck, stirring heat between them.

After all it had been months, and while Nick knew he held the reputation of a being a major player, one wouldn't know it judging by his almost monk-like existence. The horrors he witnessed daily had taken a toll and his grief over his relationship with Mandy added another layer of sadness.

With each kiss, Mandy breathed life back into him and he savored the feel of her tongue slipping into his mouth, sending jolts to his groin which responded eagerly.

His hands drew circles on her back as a simmering fire grew between them. He vaguely registered her moan as she came up for air. Opening his eyes, he was pleased to see her flushed with want and desire.

Nick was winning the battle at regaining her heart.

"You know," Mandy whispered, her voice thick with longing as her hands slid down his chest and hovered around the elastic waist of his track pants, "In the second trimester, woman experience in surge of hormones making them very, very horny."

"Yeah I do know that for a fact." Nick responded, "My sister Angela is a gynecologist, obstetrician." He dove in for another kiss and she responded with an intense passion which surprised him as biology dictated he responded accordingly. He felt her hands diving in under his briefs and began a rhythmic massage. He groaned as jolts rang through him.

"Wait...wait..." Nick reluctantly stopped, "Is it safe...I mean...seriously. What did the doctor say?"

Mandy gritted her teeth with irritation as she answered, "I never asked him because there was no reason to." Her hands began to eagerly move again as she mumbled huskily, "You're a scientist, Nick, so you know very well the baby is protected by the placenta."

"Yeah I know that." He answered, "But I mean...this is...different...because well it's mine and I want him to be safe."

Mandy licked her lips and said reassuringly, "Sexual activity has also been suggested as a way to prepare for induced labour; some believe the natural prostaglandin content of seminal liquid can favour the maturation process of the cervix making it more flexible, allowing for easier and faster dilation and effacement of the cervix."

"Well, I don't want you to go into labour right now." Nick insisted.

"I won't." she took him by the hand and started to lead him to her bedroom.

"Wait...does this mean I'm forgiven?"

She turned and eyed him up and down, "Well let's see how things go in there." She winked slyly and pulled him forward.

xxXXxx

Now Nick wasn't sure who took what off. He simply allowed himself to be lost in a cloud of desire as he laid down beside her and drank in the sight before him.

Mandy was a voluptuous and curvy gal, but damn he never thought he'd ever get this turned on by the site of her carrying his kid. Her stomach was smooth and round like a soccer ball, with blue vein running down the middle, and her belly button looking as it were fighting a losing battle to stay an innie. Her breasts were now very voluptuous with red wine nipples the size of sand dollars.

His finger trailed down her side and she lay perched on an elbow, and she giggled, "Stop studying me like a body at a crime scene, Stokes."

"Sorry," Nick said, "My sister told me once men actually get turned on by pregnant woman. I didn't believe her till now."

Mandy smirked as her hand slid down and began to stroke him, earnestly. "Make love to me..now!"

"Patience," He leaned over and kissed her deeply and took a leisurely journey, kissing every iota of skin south bound, her fingers massaging his scalp as he explored this new body. He had to taste the now very dark nipples, both of them, rolling his tongue around them reveling in their rougher texture and bitter taste. She gasped at the sensation as his licks turned to gentle sucks.

With his mouth occupied, his fingers went to work down below, rubbing a very, very sensitive nub feeling moisture well at his very touch while their mouths met again and again, each kiss sizzling.

Nick was doing something right as his fingers pulsed the fleshy skin; it wasn't too long before she begged for him to be inside her.

"I gotta find the right position, darling." Nick laughed and then crawled behind her. His sister had once shared gory details about how spooning was the best positions because in her words,

It can be very comfortable as there is no pressure on the abdomen and you have lots of movement. Your partner can position themselves behind you at different angles to allow for penetration.

Nick had gagged at the time but was now grateful for the information.

Slowly he slid in, his hands gripped her breasts as one of her legs draped over his and a slow and methodical tempo began. Mandy's hand closed around his as they rocked their breathing fell into rhythmic timing as moans filled the room.

She wanted him to go faster, but he refused and assured her slow and easy would get the exact same results. He ran a tongue along her ear canal while feeling her hand clasp over his, fingers entwined.

Nick was finding it a major struggle not to ramp up the tempo and soon enough he was losing control and giving her all he had, skin slapping madly. She moaned his name over and over, which fueled his fire.

As the crescendo hit, he felt her body tighten around him and they swam in a sea of ecstasy. He squeezed her fingers so hard he thought he would snap them. Finally he slumped into her back huffing from the exertion, noticing how sweaty she was. He closed his eyes and inhaled the musky scent of her damp hair.

Neither of them spoke for a while as thunder rumbled outside.

He was still regrouping as he felt the bed jostle as she turned over to face him. He opened his eyes and grinned at her as she leaned over and kissed him on the forehead telling him he did really good.

"Glad to hear it." He answered and basked in the warmth of her joyous face, "I never made love to a pregnant woman before, so I'm happy to hear I was successful."

She glowered, "I'm glad you're in a different department. I'm so horny these days, I might pounce you at any given moment, in the hallway, in the Print Lab."

Chuckling, Nick reached out and brushed her face with a finger answering, "Yeah I don't think that would go over well with Catherine or Ecklie, especially Ecklie."

She laughed softly, entwining her fingers around his, kissing his digits. It delighted him to see that adoration twinkled in her brown eyes.

I could really enjoy this. Being a lone wolf is not such a good thing anymore.

Yet, Nick realized he never actually told her he loved her, but he knew he did. He realized it when she left for New York. He just couldn't admit it to himself, let alone to her.

Maybe it was time to tell her.

"Nick?" Her voice interrupted his trains of thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you're here." She said sadly, "Even if it's only because of him."

"No, it's not just for him." Nick assured her. "I mean, I've really missed you and I..."

Her eyes widened.

The words stumbled out like rocks falling down a hill. "I...love...you..."

Her eyes filled with tears as she said, "Yeah...me too...Stokes..." She cleared her throat and continued, "Of course, I've been in love with you for years..."

"You never said anything." Nick was surprised.

"Well, I just figured it wasn't meant to be." Mandy explained with a shrug, "And then things happened, but I sure as hell didn't expect to find myself pregnant with your child."

"I'm glad it worked out the way it did." Nick said and splayed his hand along the smooth contours of her pregnant belly feeling joy spring in his heart as a thud greeted his hand.

"Oh wow!" He laughed, "That is cool."

She laughed along with him and said, "I think he knows who his daddy his."

"Well I'm looking forward to meeting him." Nick said.

The rain drummed against the window as they drank in the reverie until Nick spoke heavily, "I'm going to explain everything to you, about everything that's been going on with me and some of it isn't going to be easy to hear."

She scrunched her face in confusion and nodded, "I'm all ears."