{The Client}

Summary- I have nothing to fear but fear itself. And my incompetent stylist. I just asked for Spanx, but his hand is raised and…this isn't going to end well.

Characters- Edward, Bella, and their many shenanigans.

Rated M- Don't tell me you're just in it for the malarkey.

Chapter Eleven: Vaglexia Is Not A Real Condition

Okay, do not panic.

If there's anything I have learned from the film business, it's to stay calm at all times.

I mean four days isn't that long. It's not like he's abandoned me. More like tip-toeing. Leaving me notes. Rushing out of a room when I walk in. Faking illnesses.

One minute, we're in a limo and my vagina is giving me high fives for finally getting off without the use of a mechanical toy, and then the next, Edward has clammed up. States he's not feeling well, and is silent for the rest of the day. Excuses, excuses. All he had to do was unzip his pants. Was that too much to ask?

Sighing, I read over a script my agent has sent me, but all of the words are blurring together. That and my poor hormones are kind of messing with my head. It's like I have vagina dyslexia. Vaglexia?

Boy, wait until I show up at the doctor's office with that term. There weren't enough PhDs in the world that would be able to diagnosis me.

Bella, what seems to be the problem?

Well, Dr. Aro, my incredibly hot stylist left me hanging in the middle of a rendezvous and now I can't think straight. What do I do? Take pills?

No.

Can you do surgery?

No.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

Bend over.

That doctor always was a quack. Since when did people need a pelvic exam for a common cold?

I toss my papers down in frustration when the chiming of the doorbell rings. The incessant tone sounds throughout the house and it takes me several minutes to reach the front door.

A young woman with a petite frame stands holding several bags of luggage. She beams at me, grinning from ear to ear. "Bella Swan?"

"Yes?" I question with uncertainty. I had to be extra careful. Being a celebrity, wacky people tended to show up every once in a while. How they got through the security guards was beyond me. Probably bribed them with donuts.

"Hi!" Before I can react, she drops her bags and swoops me into a large hug, breaking my ribs one by one. The crazy ones were always short and strong. A deadly combination.

"I'm Alice, Edward's sister!" She took two steps forward, unaware of personal boundaries. "Oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm here! Your house is gorgeous. Wow! Is that real gold? Look at all of the chandeliers…"

Why, yes, come on in. Make yourself at home. I'm sorry, I forgot to ask you if you needed anything. Hor d'oeuvres? Coffee? My left kidney?

Pushing her sunglasses back on her short, brunette curls, her smile widens as she soaks the new environment in. "I hope Edward told you I was coming. I swear, that brother of mine-"

Before she can continue, a deep cough in the background alerts us that Edward is behind us. "Alice."

"Edward! Look at you!" Alice squeals, obviously excited at seeing her sibling. I could only imagine that her joy wasn't being reciprocated by her brother. "I can't believe you are employed by the Bella Swan! How lucky are you? Sheesh. I never get breaks like this. I gotta tell you, Bella, if there's anyone in the world who can clean-"

"Alice!" Edward abruptly interrupts her in the middle of statement, grabbing her arm profusely. "Excuse us, Bella."

Leading his sister into the kitchen, I shrug and scoot Alice's belongings to the side.

You said what?

Why on earth would you…

Edward, how many times do I have to tell you…

The conversation goes from quiet whispers to erratic shrieks from Alice. Not wanting to interfere in family matters, I sit on the plush sofa and admire my toe polish. I'm contemplating changing salons when a red-faced Edward is being dragged by Alice into the living room.

Tapping her foot on the floor in an irritated manner, Alice pushes Edward forward, nearly knocking him onto me. "Now! You tell her right now, or I swear on all that's Givenchy, I will do it myself!"

Edward's fingers are twisting uncomfortably as Alice begins pacing the floor and ranting in incoherent sentences. "It all makes sense now. You rushing from New York without a word. The mysterious message from our cousin Victoria- I knew I should have called her back!"

"Edward?" I look up at him, and the agony on his face is more than I can bear. It was like the time I slipped in the shower and no one had been there to help me up. Five hours later, Jess showed up out of the blue and by that time, my nipples were so shriveled from the cold, I had contemplated on eating them like raisins for survival.

It was a rough day, to say the least.

"Bella, I have a confession."

There's a million thoughts running through my head, none of them pleasant. Edward was an axe murderer. Edward was in the witness protection program after saving an Amish girl from her guarded home. And worst of all, Edward was gay. My vagina would never again see the light of day. Part of me plotted and wondered if Dr. Aro had any openings.

"I…um…I lied to you…." His feet shift from side to side, like a child getting caught stealing candy. I did that once. Let's just say that snatching licorice from a scary man in a white van parked on the side of the road is not a good idea.

"About…" Alice nudges him, prompting him to continue.

Edward huffs, paying special attention to the marble floor. "I, um, I'm not stylist."

I laugh out loud, brushing off his so-called confession. "Goodness, Edward, I know that! I'm the one that hired you, remember? "

"I know. Argh! I can't freaking do this!" Edward twists his hands, each movement turning them into a crimson color. "Ummm, please don't hate me okay? Just think. Remember when you met me?"

Oh, I remember. All that sexiness rolled up into one package. I'd send you on a one way flight to Vagina Town.

"Okay. Good. Remember, remember how you kept asking if I would take the job? And I kept refusing because, well…because…never mind. Okay, just think back to what I was wearing."

Sex hair. Eyes the color of emeralds. Lips I wanted to rip off and attach to my own…

Get it together, Bella. He said think of what he was wearing. Clothes. Clothes. Shirt? No. Jeans? No.

Dark blue overalls.

Dirty clunky boots.

In the midst of my musings, I scream in a tormenting pitch. It all made sense now.

"OH MY GOD!"

"I know, Bella, just listen-"

"I knew it! I knew it!" I jump up from my seat, yelling at the top of my lungs. "You're a Prada model! That whole dirty-grunge advertising? He's been selling that line of clothes all season! How could I not see it? Right in front of my eyes. You sly fox, you…"

Alice moans, Edward slaps his hand to his forehead, and I smile, pretty pleased with myself.

Poor Edward was so beside himself, trying to hide his true identity. With my smarts, I had cracked the code.

Well, my physician Aro could stick his stethoscope up his own hole. My Vaglexia was cured, and now Edward and I could continue where we left off.

911? Someone call the doctor. I need a cockatitis, stat!

Thanks for reading & keep on laughing.

XOXO,

ThisIsReallyHappening