Author's Note: This is the shortest author's note I've ever written.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO: The Leaky Pen, for the awesome review that I had to reread twice because I liked it so much…which pretty much speaks for itself :)

NOTE:

No Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this story. They all went on to start successful careers as publishers (I'm losing my touch, aren't I?).

Teh Ultimate Mary-Sue (Parody)!

Or TUM(P)

Chapter Eleven: The Girl Who Knew Too Little, And The Elf Who Knew Too Much

An sshe chaptured Huntyress, noing tht leggy wood kom 4 herr.

"Where am I?" Legolas looked straight ahead into the swirling darkness that seemed to surround him. The last thing he could remember was falling asleep after he had finished his watch.

'pwease dunt keel mi!' the mud-hared vitchh sayd. Phoenixx smirked and sad y knot u hav comme btweeen my an leggy.

Legolas winced as the words reverberated painfully through his eardrums, covering his ears quickly. "The spelling and grammar leaves much to be desired, even more so then earlier…"

Out of the corner of his eye, something moved. Instantly an arrow was notched, with the bowstring hooked behind three fingers and pulled back.

'ples hel p mee…' Legolas lowered his bow, staring in shock at the bloody and beaten Huntress lying before him.

'helpp mi, pleas hellp my…'

In one swift movement, he crouched down to get a better look at her injuries. Burns, gashes and bruises covered her body generously, and her eyes were nearly swollen shut.

Legolas found himself at a loss for words.

'shee noes…shell stoppat nuthin til hse fines u n' keils me. shes headed 2 Maori- sav mi b4 543 c4n 637 743r3. 743r3 i5n'7 much time b4…b4…'

She closed her eyes, and her breathing grew more laboured and infrequent, alarming Legolas.

"Much time before what! Huntress!"

He opened his eyes, only to find swirling snow. Another blizzard and another nightmare- both were unwanted and unneeded.

'Maori'… could she have possibly meant Moria? Is Huntress still alive?

"There is a colourfully decorated eyesore only half a mile from here. According to Celeste, she believes it is where Phoenix has settled." Boromir said softly, only a few feet away.

Legolas looked at him. "How does Celeste know this?"

"She went scouting before I awoke." Boromir answered, not missing a beat.

"A foolish decision," Legolas spat. "We would have never found her had she lost her way."

"True, but perhaps the necessity seemed more pressing then the danger in her eyes." Boromir replied.

But Legolas was resolved. "We have already lost one, to do so again would hinder us more."

"You speak as though Huntress was merely misplaced."

"She is still alive. I know it." Legolas insisted.

Boromir shrugged. "Whether or not she survived the fall, you must come to terms with the most likely result."

The elf looked away.

Boromir sighed. "I do not mean to be harsh; I merely speak the truth…"

"How can I accept the truth?" Legolas said softly. There was a long, awkward pause.

"Wow. It's like watching Shakespeare- I can barely understand what they're saying." Celeste's eyes were wide as she watched them both, munching avidly on a bag of popcorn. Apparently, she'd dropped her odd manner of speech for the time being.

"When did you awake?" Boromir replied irritably.

"Just a few minutes ago- at this point, I'm pretty sure more sleep would just make me feel worse." She blinked.

Legolas sighed. Whether or not the Parody-Sue realized it, she had managed to destroy whatever Awkward Tensions Brought On By An Acute Difference Of Opinion™ that had formed between him and Boromir.

Pippin uncharacteristically rolled his eyes.

There was a cough.

"What now?" Celeste asked, perplexed. Everyone else shrugged.

"The author has Writer's Block," Legolas replied, as if that answered all the unspoken questions (which, in a way, it did).

Pippin sighed. "This would be the perfect place to cut to Huntress…"

---

Uh…umm…Huntress was…oh hell, I'll just check.

She was…currently being held by Phoenix (which I'm sure you already knew), heading towards our motley band of heroes (which I'm sure you didn't know, and I'm sure Huntress didn't know herself).

"It's times like these that remind me why pie is one of the five food groups." She murmured to herself.

"Shut up!" Phoenix snapped, mad as a hornet. Huntress was pretty sure this had something to do with the earlier explanation of her abilities ('sshes a fyr elelementle, ok? OK!1!'). The cold simply got…colder, although thankfully the never-ending torrent of snow had finally stopped.

"'Tis a night not fit for man nor beast." Huntress said wryly, getting a face full of snow for her troubles (Even though, curiously, the blizzard had stopped long ago…).

"Was that an old black and white movie reference?" Phoenix commented.

The Authoress shrugged sheepishly. "The Fatal Glass of Beer, 1933, W.C.Fields." She admitted.

There was a sudden fierce gust of wind, and Huntress vainly tried to shield her face from the biting wind, her joking mood gone.

"Move it!" Phoenix snapped, pushing her forward. Reluctantly, Huntress complied, coughing and close to whimpering from the pain (frostbite is as frostbite does). Right now, ticking the 'Sue off would end up with her six feet under. Not a pretty picture.

Funny, if she'd known she'd have ended up the hostage of a Mary-Sue bent on destroying Middle-earth and wooing Legolas, she'd never have come. Not like she'd had much choice of the matter though…

All she had done that faithful Saturday morning was wake up, drag herself out of bed and downstairs. From what she remembered and guessed, the last stair had been some sort of a portal to her favourite fantasy novel. One minute she was walking along as usual, the next she was tumbling through darkness with words flying past her almost faster then she could read them. And thank goodness she had, otherwise she wouldn't have survived this long.

Not like I'm going to be around for much longer anyway. Oh well, I put up a good fight, made a sort-of-friend and had a few of my biases chucked out the window. It could've been a lot worse.

"I said move it!" She was shoved again and lost her balance, falling face-first into the thick, deep snow. Only a second or two later, she felt someone grab her by the back of her hair and pull her up, which was extremely painful. Huntress screamed and tried to fight back (Just because she knew she was going to die didn't mean she had to simply let it happen), but only got a kick in the ribs for her efforts. Huntresses eventually stopped protesting altogether, save for whimpering softly and massaging her poor scalp.

"Come on, you bitch." Phoenix growled, pushing her ahead. Stumbling for a short bit, Huntress regained her balance and trudged on, wiping away the tears that threatened to fall.

I've been doing to much crying lately. I always was a bit of a cry-baby…

"If we're going to make it to Moria by nightfall, you're going to have to speed up." Phoenix snarled. Huntress immediately walked faster, channelling her anger and frustration into every step she took.

I don't see why I got the short-end of the stick. Why is it always me? Sure, I did set Mom's heirloom rug on fire when I was seven, sure I did accidentally rip the head off my sister's favourite stuffed animal two years ago, sure I did blow up the microwave last summer, but all in all I've never done anything bad enough to warrant this sort of hell. Not all my bad karma combined would make me eligible for this. I bet there are loads of people who would either deserve or love to be here, so why weren't they picked?

That thought immediately made her feel guilty. Why sort of a person am I for saying that? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!...Speaking of which, how are we going to end up in Moria before nightfall? From what I remember, it took longer then that to get there…a few days? A week or two? More? I don't know, I can't remember…

There was that pesky urge to break into tears on the spot. Huntress brushed it aside, but couldn't complete stop the slight prickle of tears, which froze quickly in the breath-taking cold. She rubbed her eyes, trying to clear brush them away as best she could, and stared desperately into the never-ending white.

Then something very strange happened. The desolate landscape seemed to distort, and she found herself rocketing far ahead without even moving or taking a step.

"Keep moving." Phoenix said roughly, and Huntress realized it must be some sort of Mary-Sue magic trick. Shrugging and putting on her patented 'I don't care' look, she continued forward.

---

"Moria?" Pippin frowned. From what (admittedly little) he remembered from the many times they had done this journey, Moria wasn't just a hop, skip and jump away. From what he could see, it was only late evening.

"Indeed, it is Moria." Celeste answered, examining the lake closely.

"But how did we get here so fast?" Legolas questioned.

"I am not certain." Boromir replied, brows furrowed as he searched for the elusive door to the so-called 'mines' of Dwarrowdelf.

"Umm…guys? I think we better hurry it up a little bit. Who knows if the Watcher-in-the-Water will pop up." Celeste said nervously, eyeing the lake.

"You seem to know a fair bit of canon, for a 'Sue." Legolas said suspiciously.

Celeste threw up her hands. "Of course! I'm a Parody-Sue, which means I have to pay attention to detail, even if I don't outright acknowledge it. Otherwise, I'd just be a typical Mary-Sue with a thinly disguised ruse as a humour fic."

"Over here!" Pippin called, having brushed away the dust from part of the mithril-inlaid entrance. They set about cleaning the dust and dirt off the rest of the entryway, until it stood before them in all its shining glory.

"I remember the password, and I'm sure at least one of you also does, but should we wait for Phoenix to catch up with us? We could stage an ambush." Celeste pointed out.

Legolas nodded. "We cannot keep running from her forever. I know not for sure what has become of my companions, but I am certain they must still be with her."

"Very well then," Boromir said. "We will wait and bide our time until she comes."

---

Anyway, in case you're curious as to why I took so long, I was attacked and bitten by a dog, had to go through an interview with the police about being attacked in the first place, got eight computer viruses within the span of a month or two, had to take a major Science test and complete it in a ridiculous amount of time, had huge Math and Science assignments that took about a week to complete, screwed up when sending said assignment, had more 'crunches' (e.g. datelines for homework), insomnia, which made it impossible to think about anything, computer full-out crashed, went on a vacation, got sick, got sick AGAIN, got sick AGAIN (déjà vu…), one word: exams. Three of 'em, summer vacation happened, I was lazy. Those are all my excuses, in the order of which they happened.

Isis3110- You reviewed twice! I'm dying of happiness now :) We've all written/thought out 'Sues at one time at our life- in fact, I still feel tempted sometimes. (/deep dark secret)

Sharigan Master- Longer? Well…maybe…-blatant lie-

The Leaky Pen- Me? Abandon this story? No way! It was my first real (half-decent) fanfic, and I'm determined to finish it. Plus, I like Huntress too much ;D I try to write her as the average, non-fangirlish (well, non-rabid-fangirlish) LotR geek. I'll be reading your story when it's up (if I get time…). PPC it? I'm afraid I've only PPCed once, and I've not had the time or courage to start another one since :)

Almenel-Miriel- I hear you- schoolwork keeps me from writing, what with all the tests and things --. Thank God I'm finished school for the summer! Oh, and believe me, save for two subjects I mostly get Bs, so this isn't a common occurrence :)

glwbender90- -hands her even more cookies, just because she's happy to still have people reviewing-

shadow929- This is updating, right? ;D MONTY PYTHON 4EVA!1!one!