Disclaimer: See chapter 1 or 2 or 3 or... whichever;)
A/N OK, this chapter will be the last for some time, I will be off-line...but I promise I will do my best to update in week or two.
Hotch was standing quietly and watched JJ interacting with her son. He could see the kid wasn't the only one seeking comfort in this touch. He now realized why JJ had been focused on Henry so much. Taking care of her kid was the most important reason that kept her going after the violent attack. He had hoped he could also be one of the reasons, but not after what he had done earlier today. There were no words in the world he could ever put his apology in.
"How are you holding up?" Hotch asked carefully.
"Great" she gave him sarcastic smile "awakening of painful memories is my favorite moment of the day. And of course I'm worried about my work, but nothing makes your day like being screwed by the person you thought you are starting to get close to" JJ herself was surprised where so much anger came from. Even Henry shifted himself uncomfortably at her hands and stayed quiet.
"It's OK, sweetheart, mommy is not angry with you" she whispered to her son as she noticed he was almost crying. She herself wasn't far from tears as well. When she soothed the baby she turned to Hotch who seemed dashed.
"I'm sorry" she said honestly as few tears rolled down her face "you didn't deserve that. I'm just trying to cover what a screw-up I'm. It's not your fault."
For the first time Hotch realized how the attack influenced JJ. She was a sensitive female and he had never imagine her like a victim before even though he saw hundreds of them in his career. How the hell he had never realized she could blame herself as females usually do in cases like that? How come he had never seen her world crashing down like a snowman when the spring came after long winter?
"Jen..." he started, but he didn't know how to continue. He could start with the routine he practiced over the years, but that one was different. It wasn't just any victim. It was JJ. It was personal. And to make it even worse, after that morning there was tight wall between the two of them.
Before Hotch decided what to do, Henry demanded his mother's attention loudly, bored on JJ's lap. He was also scared with the tension between the two adults.
"Hey, big boy, you are probably hungry" JJ asked, glad for the distraction. Henry nodded zealously.
"You want to come in?" she then turned back to her boss as like she for the first time really realized he was standing there.
"I don't think..." he doubted it was the place he should be right now.
"Oh, it's OK, really, come in. I was expecting Garcia and I was bit shocked by your presence, but you can be sure I'm not going to poison your coffee" she managed even to get a nice smile on her face.
"Garcia needed to stay in office, she is running a wide search in the databases" he didn't need to describe, what she was searching for. "And I can really use coffee" he accepted after a while and she noticed that the case wasn't taking the toll only on her. With Henry still on her lap she closed the door behind him and lead the way to the kitchen.
"I'm going to make sandwiches for Henry. Are you hungry as well?" JJ decided that keeping the conversation impersonal is the best idea.
Hotch realized his last food was the breakfast hours ago. He could definitely use something to eat.
"I'm taking your silence as a yes" JJ knew her boss well and she had guessed already he might have forget to eat completely.
"Yes, I'd like something to eat" he came closer to her taking Henry from her lap "but I don't have much time" he smiled as he noticed that Henry didn't protest when he was taken away from his mum by him.
"It's cheap excuse and you know that" JJ was trying to make up for her earlier hostile behavior with niceness. She knew most of what had happened today was her fault. He was right with her being withholding information. She was hiding the file after all. She had no right to shift her blame onto him
"it'll take only few minutes but if you want to go I can pack them for you to eat later" she added readily.
"Have I ever told you that I love you?" Hotch spatted without thinking. What he meant to say was that he was thankful to her for taking care of him, that he appreciated what she is doing for him after he had behave like a caveman. The words, though completely honest, weren't supposed to be said in such circumstances.
JJ dropped the knife she was holding. Not noticing it, she stared at the man in front of her. Somewhere in her brain was a voice that was advising her to turn it all to a joke, to said something like 'not as often as you should' and laugh. To do anything but taking this words seriously. But she couldn't. She had never realized before, how much she wanted to hear those words from him.
They both stayed speechlessly staring at each other. Finally, JJ bend down, picked up the knife and turned over to wash it. Hotch put Henry on his chair and went to her
"I didn't mean to scare you" he tucked her long hairs behind her ears as he wanted to see how she was reacting.
"How long does it last?" she asked like love could be timed.
"For some time now" he admitted honestly.
"And what are you expecting from me after confession like that?" she knew what she wanted to do, but it was completely different from what she should do.
"Nothing right now" he explained and to his relief she relaxed visibly "but some day, I hope to hear those words back from you" he added barely audibly.
To his surprise she stood up on her toes and kissed him
"I think I might be falling for you as well" and the moment she said the words she realized they were true. It was like you finally find the piece of puzzle you are looking for for hours to realize it's the one right in front of you. But that realization made even harder what she was about to say.
Hotch was glowing. She didn't say no, she didn't sent him to hell or somewhere else, even worse, as she should have. Whatever might have happen between them today or earlier, it all can be worked out. He would be attending to her as softly as he'd manage. One day, she'll forgive him. And then...they even might have chance.
He was so engaged with building the castles on ice he didn't hear her quiet whisper.
"What did you said?" Hotch asked as the meaning of her words got through the fog to him.
"I said, I'll hand you my resignation tomorrow. I should have made it two months ago" she repeated quietly.
"There's no way, I'll ever accept it" the ice under his castles just melted.
"Then I'll give it straight to Strauss, she will accept is gladly after she will find out about everything" JJ was determined.
"JJ, don't... you can't...you can't do it" she caught him completely off guard and he wasn't able to find good argument.
"I can and I will. I have already talked to my parents. Me and the little eater there" she smiled at Henry "are going to move back in with them for some time. And then...I have no idea what I'll do then. I just know I can't stay here. There's too much guilt and too much bad memories"
"JJ, you have just said you are falling in love with me and then you tell me you are moving out...to different state even!"
"One have nothing to do with the other. My life have just crushed into little pieces. I need some quiet place where I can pick them back up safely" she tried to explain her feelings.
"You can do it here" he realized it was going to be hard, but not impossible.
"Hotch, I...I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be fine, to put it all behind me, to love me no matter what" she didn't know how better she could explain it.
"I'll do everything I can to help you..." he offered honestly "and I'm sure it won't be only me" he added as he realized she might be more comfortable with her girl-friends.
She looked at him amazed "Tell me how are you going to that when you think it was my fault?" when she saw his shocked stare and his first tries do deny it, she explained it even further "you said it yourself. I've should known better" she repeated the words that were haunting him since Dave pointed out boldly about JJ blaming herself.
"Jen..." but before he could continue his cell rang loudly. He checked it out and – speak of the devil – it was Rossi.
"What?" Hotch answered it angrily. He had so much he wanted to say to JJ.
"Wrong timing?" Dave asked slightly amused. To be honest, when Morgan found out, that Hotch was with JJ, he begged Rossi to call Hotch himself. Dave made mental note to tell him his instincts were right.
"The worst" Hotch answered and he left the room. "what do you have?"
"Garcia found something, I think you should come back ASAP" the fun would have to wait. The case was getting complicated.
Hotch muttered few curses.
"What was that?" Rossi asked surprised from the other side of the line.
"I said I'll be right there" and he hung up.
.oOo.
JJ used the time Hotch was talking to Rossi to finally make the late lunch for Henry. She suspected what the call was about so she packed two sandwiches for Hotch. He came back to the kitchen looking grave.
"I have to go" he confirmed her suspicion.
"I've figured that out" JJ handed him the sandwiches.
"But we are not done talking" he didn't know what to do, he knew what he should do, but it was far from what he wanted.
JJ didn't answer. She nodded without words, but her eyes were saying something else. Hotch still stood undecided, but for little while the fear of loosing JJ took first place. Without warning he took her in his arms and started kissing her. When he was sure she won't be able to think straight he stopped, but still held her tightly.
"I can love you no matter what" he whispered to her hairs.
JJ's world was turning. She was sure that if Hotch loosened his hold on her she would just collapse to the ground. For a little while, she closed her eyes and let herself believe it was all possible. It was so easy to do that while she listened to Hotch's little irregular now heartbeat.
"I still have to go... I need the time for myself"
"I know..." Hotch understood her. He might have been repeating the words that he is not blaming her till he lost his voice, but she needed the time to believe it. And there was nothing he could do about it.
"Just promise me you'll come tomorrow to BAU and we'll talk" he made slight demand. She managed to get out from his embrace and just looked at him. Tears were rolling down her face.
"I have to hand my resignation" she said instead of straight answer.
Hotch didn't know what to do of it, but he guessed it was the best he was going to get.
"See you, then" he tried but he left before she had time to answer.
"Goodbye" she whispered to already closed doors.
Next: Honestly, I have no idea:) but I had the feeling the story couldn't be ended yet.
I'll do my best to have new chapters ready for you the moment I'm back on-line, till then, bye.