Fu,
Eh...? You had intercourse with her...? Um... wow... I didn't know you were that straightforward... Good for you.
Sima Yi
(He's dangerous, like me. I have never been so proud in my entire life. Though there's a chance he might go for Chunhua later.)
Guo Jia,
You're really torn up about the guy who took Wang Yi off your hands. You asked her for thirty-sometimes and she refuses you while this guy comes over and picks her up on the first try. *No empathy* I know, it's so sad.
Sima Yi
Guo Jia,
You want to know the guy...? Um... well... *Lying* I don't know who he is, but I know he looks like me.
Sima Yi
Guo Jia,
*More lying and sarcasm* I know, right? Not that many people resemble me except my son, Shi. But aside from him, it's just wow. Who knew someone out there has my (handsome) face? That man is bound to get many women with that face.
Sima Yi
Xiahou Dun,
Unless you want an eye made of ice, I can't do anything else for you. Maybe Xun Yu can help SINCE HE TOOK OFF MY DICK ONCE. But he put it back, so maybe he can put back your eye.
Sima Yi
Guo Jia,
You're drunk and sad, that's an awful combination that often leads to bad choices. Trust me, I've seen almost everyone around me do that. How about you just talk to Wang Yi and that guy to straighten this out?
Sima Yi
(I'm throwing Fu under the carriage here...)
Dear Pang De,
*Attached is a three pouches of gold*
Here's your payment along with Cao Ren's and Xu Huang's payment on the wall in my house.
Sima Yi
Dear Yu Jin,
You're looking for Cai Wenji again? I haven't seen her.
Sima Yi
Dear Yu Jin,
No, no, no! That's my wife!
Sima Yi
Yu Jin,
I know their faces look the same, but I can point out one big difference. Make that two big differences. (Her chest and personality.)
Sima Yi
Yu Jin,
...You found Cai Wenji and she's... a robot...? I don't even...
Sima Yi
Yu Jin,
Cai Wenji is a robot with a gun attached to her arm. The only part that is human is the head. I... I can't fix this, you're going to have to ask Yue Ying in the Shu kingdom.
Sima Yi
Guo Jia,
Calm down! She's not a robot forever! (I think you're just angry because her vagina's gone.)
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
I have a new victim for you. This poor woman has the body of a robot and her head is that of a human still. Good luck.
Sima Yi
Yu Jin,
How did she get turned into a robot anyway?
Sima Yi
Yu Jin,
You found her around the borders of Shu... Yup... the Shu grease monkey got her.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
What did Cai Wenji do to you that require you and your wife to turn her into a weird human robot thing?
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
Oh come on, that is barely offending. I get called that and you don't see me turning everyone into shit popsicles. (Okay, maybe one guy did and I froze him.)
Sima Yi
Dear Xun Yu,
Oh, you did it? Let me see.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
She's fine, wow, good job. You didn't put a penis on her or gave her a bad nose. Good job. This is progress to you mastering your magic.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
You removed her uterus?! Why?! Why do you remove uteri?! Do you have a fetish for it?!
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Good, you put it back. You need to make sure your magic doesn't do that again.
Sima Yi
Dear Yu Jin,
I hope you like women with a metal skull. Xun Yu did fix her, but Cai Wenji's skull is now fused with some kind of metal. She doesn't seen affected by it, so he just left it there to avoid making it worse.
Sima Yi
Lu Xun,
No, you may not burn my house. You're a little late anyway since I already got out of the wall.
Sima Yi
XUN YU!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PENIS?! DID I WALK IN SOME MAGIC PORTAL OF YOURS AND IT TOOK MY DICK AWAY?! THIS HAS TO STOP! I WANT MY PENIS BACK! YOU'RE PUTTING IT BACK, YOU SICKO!
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Okay, I'll stop yelling if you just put back my male parts onto my body. You know what, I'm going to have to teach you on certain magic tricks to make sure you don't take away someone else's dick on accident.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Well, you did it. I got my dick back, and it's slightly longer from before... I'm not complaining here, but why? Is it a side effect from being in the void?
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Okay, I'll stop talking about my thing. Now, first off, please don't hold up your staff when you don't want use any magic. Next, it's in your head, so you have restrain the magic flow with very strong thoughts. You can also have dirty thoughts to this. At least it works for me. Lastly, keep your soul intact and do not let a demon take over you.
Follow these steps and you can stop removing parts from other people.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Yes, that's it! Cao Pi walked by your work space and nothing happened. Just always be like this and you'll be fine.
Sima Yi
Dear Fu,
What happened? Your face is cut up! Did Wang Yi go too rough on you?
Sima Yi
Fu,
Some blonde guy came and beat you up with magic balls? Aw, I'm so sorry to hear that. Did you put up a good fight?
Sima Yi
Fu,
I'm glad to hear that. At least you tried to protect yourself.
Sima Yi
Dear Guo Jia,
I heard you beat up the guy who asked Wang Yi before you did. Did you put up a fight?
Sima Yi
Guo Jia,
Oh, wow. That's nice. You stood up for a potential one-night stand. Good job.
Sima Yi
Guo Jia,
I feel like I should say this, but... heheheh, this is very funny by the way, the guy you beat up was my brother.
Sima Yi
Guo Jia,
I'm not going to kill you for beating up my brother. He needed an ass-kicking because he cries a lot and needs to grow up. Thought you both put up something, so I guess he'll be on his guard.
Sima Yi
Dear Wang Yi,
Isn't this nice? You're in a "like" triangle. I bet you're having fun watching people beat each other up for you. (I sure am butting my brother and Guo Jia against each other.) Also, what about my brother interests you?
Sima Yi
Wang Yi,
...That...? He has a "nice" personality? I don't get you.
Sima Yi
Wang Yi,
...He's so gullible and you like manipulating him...? Guo Jia's already like that. At least when he's not serious. Good luck on your like triangle.
Sima Yi
Dear Chunhua,
Let's go in the bedroom. Now.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I don't care if it's only afternoon. I want sex.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I am not waiting until you want it!
Sima Yi
*paper having small wrinkles and an almost imprint of Sima Yi's face*
Chunhua,
Okay, have it your way.
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Pi,
What...? Your "thing" is half gone...? XUN YU!
Sima Yi
Dear Xun Yu,
Cao Pi just wrote to me that half his thing is gone. Come on! You were doing so well! Do I need to give you a pornographic scroll to you? Not that I have any...
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Give back Cao Pi his other half of the thing and let me give you this scroll I stole from Cao Cao's stash. Actually, I really don't care what happens to him as long it doesn't happen to me.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
*Attached was a porn scroll*
Read/Look at this dirty scroll and your magic will be slightly messed up. This will help on you controlling your magic effects.
Sima Yi
P.S: That is not mine. That was Cao Cao's. How I control my magic is thinking of my wife's chest. Most of the time. The rest is reading a porn scroll. That I stole from Cao Cao.