Tris POV
It's so peaceful here. There are no distractions, no obnoxious people to deal with. I'm finally where I belong. The land of the inbetweeners. The place between death and life. You either leave here and head back to your hell of a life back in reality or you get to disappear into the dark, calm world of death. There is a mix of souls here. You see, though there are no obnoxious people, there are other souls. These souls are split into two groups- those who are dying naturally and those who asked to be here in a sense.
I fall into the second of these two categories. Now obviously I have nothing to live for. Dying now would prohibit me from creating connections with the great group of actors with who I have been forced to become acquainted with. Christina, Uriah, Will, Marlene, Shauna, Zeke, and Lynn will all be put through so much suffering if I don't die this time. They'll be there to "support me through this difficult time." Total bull shit.
This isn't just a period. My feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and everything else that is not healthy to feel, including suicide, will never disappear. Yet people don't seem to realize that this is who I am. These emotions make me who I am. My life sucks, yes, but I'm not going to get another one. I always thought that everyone had a purpose, but I was wrong. Nothing in this world is perfect. Not the landscape. Not the weather. Not the governments. Not the economy. Not the social ranks. Not the architecture. Not the technology. Not the environment. Not the animals. Not the fungi. Not the plants. Not the bacteria. Not the viruses. Not the people. Especially not the people.
My thinking that everyone was here for a reason clearly demonstrated my insanity. I was a fuck up from the start. I was never meant to be here, but a mistake occurred and I ended up alive on this planet with no purpose. It explains a lot if you think about it. Though you don't have too because I plan on laying it out for you.
I'm a stupid little girl who pretends to be mediocre in school so as not to draw attention to herself. That's what being the dumb kid does; it draws attention to you. I managed to get by in school.
I'm also, surprisingly, not social. Shocker, I know. Ever since she who shall not be names moved away, I managed to not have any friends. My main goal since kindergarten has been to blend into the background. Don't draw attention to yourself. My number one rule. And I managed to abide by that rule until Ms. Matthews decided I needed a study buddy. Through this study buddy I encountered the rest of the group. The group that is the reason why I need to die. I can't go unpunished for breaking my number one rule. I must die before I hurt them anymore.
On top of all of that, I'm the ugliest piece of shit you will ever see. I'm broken, shattered, unfixable. I am extremely needy. I need to be alone. I need to belong. Somewhere. Anywhere. I make the world a worse place to be. I bring everyone around me down.
I apoligize world. I apoligize for my role in ruining you. I;m going to be gone soon, though. I won't miss you. You won't miss me. It will be a fairly clean break. Please send someone to the Dauntless to help fill the small bullet wound I caused. Please let it be someone who is worthy enough to be in their presence and someone who will be able to deal with Four. That's all I ask as payment for the hell I have been through due to your mistake. Thank you and, hopefully, bye.