A/N: Thank you to my beta, TwilightMundi, for being amazing.
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"Good birthday?"
"The best," he said, smiling. "Truly."
I leaned over and kissed him slowly, then did the same to Jasper. It was the lightest and happiest I'd felt in months.
"What time do we have to be back?" Edward asked, his hand slipping over my knee and skimming up to my thigh.
"Not until tomorrow morning," I said, smiling. "Ready to go back to the hotel?"
"More than ready."
We helped Jasper and made our way to the safety and privacy of the room, picking up where we'd left off. Our intimacy was quiet and slow. Long after it had become dark outside, we touched and stroked and kissed. We loved each other for hours.
By the time the sun came back up, I'd dozed on and off, but hadn't gotten much solid sleep. It had been the same for Edward and Jasper, though we seemed to be taking turns waking up, kissing and talking quietly, then falling back to sleep in weird shifts. Jasper was in more pain than usual, probably due to our antics, and had to take an extra pain killer in the morning. I felt terrible, feeling as if we'd contributed and caused the pain.
Of course, as Edward drove us back home, my lack of sleep exacerbated my sense of responsibility and I found myself wiping away tears. By the time we pulled in to the driveway, I'd mostly composed myself, but also decided that I needed to take a nap when Emma did. Jasper had been quiet on the drive, and when I got out to help him, I could see through the window that he'd fallen asleep. I smiled, glad I wasn't the only exhausted one.
"Should I wake him?" I asked Edward quietly when he walked up behind me.
"Yeah. Let's get him to bed. He'll be much more comfortable there."
"Hey sweetie," I said, reaching out to touch Jasper's hand. My fingers skimmed up and down, trying to rouse him gently. That didn't work, so I nudged his shoulder. "Wake up, sleepyhead. We need to get you into a real bed."
Jasper made a noise and stretched. "Sorry."
He swung his body around and grabbed the crutches from me, balancing between Edward and me. Esme, Carlisle, and Emma were waiting inside to greet us, and I was so glad. Not only had I really missed my sweet girl, but my boobs were also really sore since I hadn't wanted to pump too close to when we got back. I wanted to nurse her first thing and reconnect, watching her.
"Thank you for watching her for us," I said, taking her from them. I turned to Edward. "You can get Jasper to bed?"
He nodded and I gave Carlisle and Esme a quick kiss, escaping to the nursery. Several minutes later, Edward came in with a glass of water and a snack, putting them on the table and sitting on the couch. I propped my foot up next to him, using the leverage to rock the glider as Emma finished.
"Jasper resting?" I asked.
"Yeah. Wanna lay down while Emma sleeps?" he asked, yawning. "I'm beat."
"I really, really do," I said with a laugh. "This weekend was worth it, but exhausting."
"And you have a busy week coming up with Jasper starting PT, and that dinner on Thursday."
I'd forgotten all about Jeff, Jasper's best friend from the team coming over for dinner. He was going to bring his wife Karen and their three kids — the thought terrified and comforted me. It was nice that Jasper had friends still supporting him, but I had no idea what to cook, or how to act in front of them. She was a polished soccer star wife. I was dowdy, still had baby fat, and, well, had two husbands. I switched Emma from one side to the other and tried to think about if I knew any other openly out soccer players. I could think of a few I knew about, but I didn't know if they were out out. I'd have to ask Jasper.
"You're going to be home early, right?"
"Yep," Edward said, smiling. "I asked the receptionist to stop my appointments at one, so I should be home by two-thirty at the latest."
"Perfect. Thank you."
I smiled and moved my foot to rest on his leg. He picked it up and rubbed it, which immediately made me close my eyes and relax.
"It's going to be hard to watch Jasper, you know?" Edward said. "I want you to be prepared."
I opened my eyes. "Hmm?"
"In physical therapy. It's going to hurt, and it's going to make him angry. He's so shut down right now, I don't know really what to expect, but we should expect something."
I nodded. "Do you think he would go talk to someone?"
Edward snorted. "No. He thinks he's fine."
"What can we do?" I asked. My heart was twisted in knots.
"We can be here for him. We can love him and not let go."
{.}
Edward hadn't been kidding — watching Jasper work in physical therapy was terrible. Even though it was just slow stretching and movement, I could see how much pain he was in. After the appointment, we went home and iced his leg as he rested. He took more pain meds, and I didn't blame him. His face was tight, his expression stretched with the strain of holding back so many things.
The rest of the week was no better. After every session of therapy, he would grimace and be grouchy, not saying much in the car. We'd go home and he'd ice his leg, take a few pills and pass out. I was so worried about him taking too many pills, or slipping further down the rabbit hole he seemed to be buried in. I tried to talk to him about how things were going, but he was mostly silent, distracting me or changing the subject.
"Edward, do you think we should be worried about how many pills Jasper's taking?" I'd asked that night while Jasper was in the living room.
"No, I don't think so. He's not through the bottle yet, and he's in a substantial amount of pain still."
"I know," I said, shifting awkwardly. "It just feels like it's a lot."
"Don't worry, sweets," he said, kissing my forehead. "I promise, I'm not monitoring it or anything, but it's on my mind, too. It's not something to worry about."
The bright spot of the week was dinner on Thursday. It had been light and easy, and far more fun than I'd expected. Jasper loosened up around his friend, and they talked shop, gossiping like girls about what was going on with the other players. Their kids were well-behaved, and I was glad Emma could sit in her high chair and join us, too.
"Everyone misses you," Jeff said, looking at Jasper with such genuineness it hurt.
"Hopefully I'll be back soon," Jasper said, his familiar tight smile settling back on his face.
There were several beats of awkward silence, and I could tell neither guy really knew what to say to the other.
"How about some chocolate tart?" I asked, trying to change the topic.
It worked, and we all dove in to dessert, the room falling into the quiet symphony of silverware. When their family left, we cleaned up the kitchen, washing dishes and serving platters. Jasper even helped, saying he was tired of sitting.
"It was nice to see Jeff and his family. Do you think they had fun?" I asked.
"Yeah," Jasper said. "We should invite Emmett, Rose, and the kids over, maybe for a movie night?"
"Yes! Perfect," I said. "I'll get popcorn and candy."
"I'd like that," Jasper said. "Sound okay to you?" he asked Edward.
"Whatever you want," Edward said, smiling and kissing him.
"Whatever I want, huh?" Jasper asked, pulling him closer. "What if I want you on your knees?"
Edward's grin grew as he moved to his knees. I leaned against the sink, watching. Jasper unbuckled his belt then jeans, dropping them both to the floor. Edward pulled Jasper's boxers down, then wrapped his fingers around his cock, stroking him.
"Whatever you want," Edward repeated, his voice low, provoking Jasper.
"Put my cock in your mouth."
Even while wrapped around Jasper, I could see Edward's lips turned up in a smile. I liked it when they got demanding of each other. It was interesting to watch. Well, and sexy. Jasper's balance faltered so I moved behind him. I put my arms beneath his and let him lean back against me as I played with his nipples.
"I love you," I whispered in his ear, then kissed his neck, just below his earlobe.
Edward looked up at us and it wasn't much longer until Jasper was coming. I could see Edward's hands — one wrapped around Jasper's thigh, pulling him closer, and the other disappearing between his legs. When Jasper finished, Edward reached out and touched my leg quickly, making me smile. He stood up, squishing Jasper between us as we all embraced.
"Ready for bed?" I asked.
We made our way to the comfort of our bedroom. Before I fell asleep, I texted Alice to ask if they wanted to come over for movies on Saturday. She called me the next afternoon during her lunch break.
"Movie night sounds fun, the kids will have a blast. I wanted to talk to you first, though," she said. "How are you doing?"
"I'm hanging in there, I think." It was I felt like I was on a roller coaster, waiting for the dips and stomach drops, letting the highs make me smile and fly. I didn't want to say the words out loud, though, or dare to ask for help. I knew they were already so busy, two kids, all of them working.
"How's Jasper?" she asked.
"Ugh. He has good days and bad, you know?"
"I can imagine," she said. Her voice softened. "I saw the article."
The line went quiet, and I wasn't sure what to say. I had sort of assumed she'd seen the article — it felt like everyone had.
"Yeah," I said quietly, dragging out the word, unsure what else to say.
"Well, I just wanted to let you know that I talked to the head of the group, and Victoria was asked to never attend any events again, and kicked off the email list."
"What?" I was confused. How had Alice made the connection? I'd decided not to make waves with the group since I didn't have empirical evidence.
"There were only two people you talked to at the first meeting that I knew you kept in touch with, and who knew your real names." Alice's voice was quiet and sad. "And I feel bad. I trusted Victoria, too. I'm sorry."
Neither of us spoke for a moment. I wasn't sure why Alice was so upset, but I wanted to listen to her and hear her out. Had she sold information to the paper, too? Jesus. My anxiety level crept up.
"It's okay," I said. "Whatever it is. Why are you sorry?"
"I just can't imagine if that was my family," she whisper-sobbed. "And I feel so guilty that I'm relieved it wasn't me."
"Oh, Alice. You shouldn't feel guilty. We'll be fine. Your family depends on secrecy, and I really understand that now. I'd never violate your privacy, I hope you know that."
"Of course I do," she squeaked. "I wish I could kick Victoria's ass for all the drama she's caused you guys. Aside from a quick buck, I don't know why she did that to you."
"I don't know either," I said, sighing. "I've spent so much time thinking about it, trying to figure out why she'd do it. I mean, she outted herself, too, right? Maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she's too young to understand the implications of what she did."
"I suspected after you left, when she wouldn't stop talking about Jasper, that she had ulterior motives. I should have warned you."
"It's not your job to tattle on her. She made her own choices, you know? She might have just been bragging and then if you had told me about it, it might have caused unnecessary drama."
"But then all of this wouldn't have happened," Alice said.
"You never know," I said. "Besides, now I can walk around town and breathe easy if I slip up and kiss them both, or hold both their hands."
We laughed, and it felt nice to have my friend back. Once I thought about it, it made sense why she'd been so distant the last few weeks.
"I'm glad you're coming over tomorrow," I said, smiling. "I can't wait to give you a hug."
"Hell yes," she said. "And popcorn. See you tomorrow."
I walked to where Jasper was in the living room and plopped on the couch next to him.
"Have I told you lately how happy you make me?"
He looked down at me, a smile spread across his face. "Nope."
"Well, you do. You and Edward and Emma. I'm so lucky."
"Us too," he said, taking my hand in his and squeezing.
Friday's afternoon physical therapy appointment was especially grueling, and I worried about the weekend. When we got home, he went straight to the bedroom, closing the door behind him — something I couldn't recall him ever doing. I hoped Jasper would be less grumpy by the next day, but things didn't look promising.
After a few minutes, I knocked softly on the bedroom door. "Sweetheart? Are you okay?"
"Yeah," he said, his voice rough.
It felt weird to be talking to him through the barrier, but I wanted to give him space if he needed it. "Do you need anything?"
"No."
"Okay, well, I'm just going to start dinner. If you need me, I'm here."
The lack of a response made me want to kick the door down and lecture him. I felt pulled taut between cleaning, cooking, playgroups and playdates, physical therapy, and now my husband in near-constant pain… and I needed to plan for Emma's first birthday in a few months. While I waited for the water to boil for the pasta, Emma safely in her Johnny Jump Up in the doorway, I slid down to the ground. I kept my head on my bent knees, eyes turned to watch Emma.
She bounced, smiling and laughing, and reminded me of all the reasons I had to smile. My knee was soaked with tears by the time I stood up. Jasper hadn't come out of the bedroom, and I was still worried, but I had dinner to make, a diaper to change, and there were several loads of laundry waiting to be folded and put away. I busied myself until Edward got home.
"Where's Jasper?" he asked, finding me in the kitchen.
"Bedroom," I sighed.
"Everything okay?"
He wrapped his arms around me and I tried not to think about the way his clothes looked on him. Or how good he smelled. Or how much I wanted to lose myself in him and forget about everything but just how good he could make me feel.
Of course, then I was reminded of how good they bothmade me feel, and I started to cry again.
"No, it's really not. I can see him slipping away. I can almost feel it, like part of me is being torn to shreds."
"He's going to be okay," Edward said, rubbing my back.
"I don't know if that's true anymore."
"It has to be," he said. "It just has to be."
We stood for several quiet moments, and I tried to let his faith sink in to me.
"You want to get him, or shall I?"I finally asked, breaking the silence.
"Let me say hello to Emma and carry her in there with me."
He gave me a soft, sweet kiss, then walked to Emma. "Ready to go wake Daddy up?"
She squealed and they made their way out of the kitchen and down the hall. In the quiet of the kitchen, I fixed our dinner plates, then opened a bottle of wine and poured three glasses. After I'd made sure everything was at the table, they still weren't there, so I crept toward the bedroom. From where I was, I could peek without being seen. They had Em between them on the bed, each man up on his side, talking.
"You know, you're only going to get better if you try," Edward said. There wasn't judgment in his tone, but encouragement.
"I am trying, Edward. It's fucking painful."
"I know it is. I know."
Emma's hands ran up and down Jasper's cheeks feeling the stubble there. When he kissed her tiny fingers, I couldn't help but smile.
"You're going to have bad weeks, Jazz. You have to learn to lean on us. We have to make it through this together. We love you, all three of us, and we need you. We need you, too. Come on, let's go have dinner with the most gorgeous woman ever, and the cutest baby. Then maybe we can make you feel better after this little monkey is in bed."
Edward leaned down and blew on her belly, making her laugh. It was the most amazing sound in the whole world.
"She is pretty cute," Jasper agreed, attacking her round belly from the other side.
I walked back to the kitchen. They were wrapping up their conversation and I didn't want to get caught eavesdropping, even though it was innocent. I felt better, though. I had hope. Maybe Edward was right.
Saturday was a lazy morning. Edward and Jasper took Emma to the park and I got to sleep in, which I was so thankful for. When I got up and saw their note, I decided to start making food for movie night. When they got back, Emma was ready for lunch and naptime. I was glad she went down easily for them, clearly having been worn out.
They came into the kitchen and we worked together. It was a nice reminder of the way we'd functioned in the past — each of us taking on a task and working together.
"You guys have fun at the park?" I asked.
"I can't believe she giggles so much now," Jasper said. "It's going by too fast. I'm looking forward to having another one."
I paused where I was standing, smiling. "Me too," I said, turning to look at them.
Suddenly, making snacks was forgotten. "Wanna practice?" Edward asked, obviously struggling to maintain a casual tone.
When Alice, Rose, Emmett, Sadie, and Avery showed up, half the food was still uncooked. Alice and Rose helped me in the kitchen while the guys took the kids into the living room and put on a movie.
"Should we make popcorn?" I asked.
"Yeah, but make a ton," Rose said. "Everyone in our house will devour it."
As I walked to the pantry, I looked over at Alice. "You okay? You look a little … green."
"Yep," she said, smiling.
"Something you want to tell me?" I asked, playfully bumping her hip with mine as I walked by.
Her grin grew, and when I reached to hug her, we squealed and laughed. "Congratulations," I said. "I'm so happy for you."
I knew she'd wanted to get pregnant, and I loved how happy they were. The minute I let go of Alice, Rose was right there, arms around her from behind, kissing her neck and rubbing her still-flat belly. I was envious, too.
"How far along are you?"
"Sixteen weeks."
"Almost halfway! You're still so tiny," I said. "Bitch."
"Just wait," Alice said. "I'll be waddling before you know it."
"You'll still be sexy," Rose said, burrowing into her neck again.
I laughed and turned back to the pantry to find the popcorn, blushing. When we'd finished up, we went to the living room with the bowl of popcorn and a few plates of other snacks, finding spots on the couches with the men.
"Ratatouille next?" Jasper asked the girls when the movie finished.
"Yeah!" they said.
We took a break to eat dinner, but watched another movie after. The kids fell asleep in the living room, tucked into sleeping bags they'd brought, so the grown-ups went to the kitchen to sit around the table, talk, and play cards.
"Still corrupting young minds?" Edward asked Emmett, and the table burst into laughter.
"Yep," he said, smiling. "How's the practice?"
"Really good," Edward said, dealing the cards.
"How's the leg, Jasper?" Emmett asked.
"Coming along," Jasper said. "We'll see what happens in physical therapy."
"Can't wait to go to your first game back," Emmett said.
"Me either," Jasper said. "Much more of this lying around and I'm going to get all fat and gross."
"Pretty sure that's not possible, genetic freak," I teased.
The night stretched out with playful banter, dirty jokes, and friendship. At some point, I could tell Jasper's leg began to bother him, though, and he got up to take some pills.
"Maybe we call it a night soon?" I asked, yawning and stretching.
"We should probably round up the kids and go," Rose said. "I don't even know how Alice is still awake."
"I won't be for much longer," Alice said, droopy smile widening.
"Thanks for coming over," I said, hugging everyone. "We'll have to do this again soon."
When it was quiet and I laid in bed, my hands drifted to my own belly. I wasn't back in pre-pregnancy shape yet, but that didn't really matter. Was it the right time? Was there ever a right time?
The following week, Jasper began doing his physical therapy in a pool. I was glad they decided to switch it up, hopeful it might hurt less. Unfortunately, he was just as shut down when we got home on Monday as ever. By Friday, I didn't know what to do with myself. Edward had been working late, plus it was his week to be on-call, so he'd gotten woken up several times, and it seemed like Emma was constantly going through a growth spurt. Her normal routine changed every day, and what she needed from me seemed to vacillate just as much.
I finally snapped in the car, on the way home from Jasper's PT Friday afternoon. "Are you going to talk to me?"
"There's nothing to talk about," he said.
"That's not true. Tell me what's going on. Tell me why you're so quiet lately."
He shifted in his seat, and when I glanced at him quickly, he looked irritated.
"It really fucking hurts, Bella. What more do you want me to say? I hate that you have to drive me everywhere. I hate that when we get home, I'll have to ice my leg and be an invalid. I hate that it hurts and makes me angry. I don't want to be that asshole that takes it out on everyone around him."
"Is there anything I can do for you?" I asked quietly.
"Aren't you already doing enough?"
Agh.
I felt helpless. I reminded myself that soon, Jasper would be better. His leg would heal and he'd be back to being self-sufficient. He wouldn't be in as much pain. He would be my Jasper again.
It was no comfort in the following weeks, though. Things crept from bad to worse, and it was a slow crawl. A painful crawl. Jasper stopped shaving. He stopped going to the grocery store with me. He stopped saying much of anything to any of us, unless it was absolutely necessary. He never watched the sports channel anymore.
"We have to do something," I said to Edward one night, in the quiet of the bathroom. "He's just … slipping further away."
"Bella, Jasper has to find his way through this. He had a career-ending injury. His bone literally snapped in half."
We were looking at each other in the huge bathroom mirror.
"What do you mean, career-ending?"
"I mean exactly what it sounds like," Edward said, shaking his head and furrowing his eyebrows at me.
"He keeps saying he thinks he'll play again, though."
I didn't understand. All this time, I'd thought things were looking up.
"Yes, but that's part of the problem. Don't you remember when he was first injured and we talked about this?"
Thanks to some massive powers of denial, I'd forgotten.
"He's not going to play again," Edward said, certain. "He's still having trouble just walking. I talked to his ortho the other day. It's just … it's not going to happen. Once he can walk again, he can learn to run, but it won't be the same. He still hasn't talked to Coach about it, but I'm sure he's figured it out. I think over the last few weeks, Jasper has really had to come to grips with the fact that he won't play again. I can't imagine. You have to let him be sad about that."
I couldn't imagine, either. I felt like my dreams had been crushed by Edward and I wasn't even the one that had been injured.
"We need to talk," I said. "I can't live like this. I can't watch him in so much pain every day. We can help. We can fix it."
Edward turned to face me. "Bella, you can't fix this for him. You can help him, but you can't fix it, sweetheart. He has to find his strength, lean on us, and get through it. If he doesn't, it's a hollow victory for him."
"But he's not even leaning on us."
Edward wiped tears from my cheeks. "He is, just not as much as you'd like, or maybe not as much as he needs. I agree we all need to talk about it, but ambushing him isn't the right way."
I pushed my arms around Edward's waist and pulled him close. "When, then?"
"I don't know," Edward said, blowing out a sigh.
Everything looked so different after that conversation. I tried to have more patience with Jasper. When he told me he needed to have lunch with Coach, I offered to make dinner and have him over, with his wife.
"No," Jasper said, taking my hand in his. "I need to have this conversation alone with him. Thank you, though."
As much as I'd willed things with his leg to be different, they weren't. I was sure Jasper felt the same way. We couldn't think or wish or pray or hope an injury like his away. He had to face the reality of it and accept that his life was on a different path now; the fact that he was apparently ready to talk to his coach seemed like a good sign to me.
"I love you," I said, squeezing his hand. "I will always love you, soccer star, handsome, sexy dad, or whatever or whoever you are."
"I know," he whispered.
He leaned his body into mine and I wrapped my arms around him. It was the small moments like that where I found peace.
The days leading up to his lunch were brutal though, and he slipped away even more. He began to lose weight. He looked pale and sick. He stopped going to the park with us. I kept reminding myself to hang on, just be patient and things would get better soon.
He had lunch with Coach Stanley on Tuesday — Coach had driven to the PT building and picked him up since he still couldn't drive. I was nervous the whole time he was gone. I took Emma to the store, talking to her the entire time. We normally had little conversations as we did things, but my babble was non-stop. I almost forgot to buckle my seatbelt when I got back in the car. My eyes and heart felt glued to the clock, counting the minutes until he was back.
Hours later, I heard the front door and rushed over.
"I'm so glad you're back," I said, pulling him into my arms and squeezing.
He stood there, frozen. Quiet.
"Can I do anything for you?"
"No," he said. His voice was just a wisp of sound. Sad. Heavy. "I'm going to go lay down."
His beard scratched against my cheek as he kissed me, then walked away. He was still there when Edward got home. I was talking to Emma in her high chair, feeding her squished peas.
"How'd it go?" Edward asked, kissing me quickly.
"I don't know. He didn't say anything."
"Did he call his agent, too?"
"I don't know," I said, trying to keep the frustration and irritation out of my voice.
I could feel it welling up again. All of the uncertainty was making me insane. If I felt so nervous and anxious about everything, how did Jasper feel? Did he have any idea of what he wanted to do next?
Everything and everyone felt so disconnected. Edward was busy, Jasper was clearly lost in his grief, and I was being the best mom I could be, but I felt like I was just letting everyone and everything down. There were never enough hours in the day, and I wanted so desperately to fix everything. I wanted Edward to have a successful practice, but somehow work less. I wanted Jasper to find another passion to pursue, even though I had no idea what that was, and he probably didn't either.
At Emma's first birthday party barbecue, it felt like everyone in both our families — and all of our friends — came up to ask if I was feeling okay.
"Girl's lunch tomorrow," Esme said, not taking my previous no for an answer. She'd cornered me in the kitchen when I went in to grab more napkins. "You need to talk, and I need to listen."
"I have to bring Em," I said.
"No you don't. Jasper's her dad and he's perfectly capable of actually being her dad."
I'd never seen Esme so stern with me. She was frustrated and I worried I'd done something to upset her, or worse, disappoint her.
"Okay."
"I'll pick you up at eleven-thirty," she said, turning and walking away.
Shit. Shit. Shit.