Chapter 11 – And I thought that it would rain

A slow procession of mourners wound their way to the cliff. Three people stood there already, their silhouettes picturesque and sad against the open sky. All stood, tall straight and proud, grief turning them cold and hard as stone. Harry Clearwater had been cremated, according to his wishes. Between the three remaining Clearwaters was an urn, wooden and carved. Hands of friends, tribe and family all reached out to touch their shoulders.

They stood, side by side, supporting each other. The little family of 3. Grief washed the faces of all of them of any character, of any life. Still and pale, each face a death mask. Leah stood, her arm about her mother's waist, keeping her upright and strong. With eyes rimmed red by tears and deep dark circles, they looked out upon the other mourners without seeing, seeing only the hole in their lives where Harry used to be.

Charlie Swan tipped his hat as he poured in his handful of earth. Billy Black paused, his lips moving in a prayer of the old ways, the grains of earth slipping from his fingers. Old Quil's eyes were watery and his hand shook as he gave Harry his final tribute.

The mourners trooping through all merged into one dark blur for Leah. Vaguely she remembered Jane Uley's hand squeezing hers as some platitudes were whispered in her ear. She recognised her former friends from school. Jacob Black glowered silently beside his father, but he was all respect. In the background she saw Emily and Sam, but she was too numb to even care. All the anger was gone.

Some of her mother's friends came and escorted Sue back to the house. Their well-meaning tributes had poured in, with home cooked meals filling every crevice of their refrigerator. It was if they didn't realise that none of the Clearwaters had really eaten in the week since Harry had passed. That their lovingly prepared meals were nauseating because of what they represented. As if food could ever fill the void.

Leah stood, looking out over the cliff at the stormy water below. The grey ocean's crash at least drowned out the self-recriminations in her head. Only here was there a moment's peace for her. The crunching of leaves as someone joined her made her look up. Next to her was her baby brother, his face wan and sad.

"Thinking about taking up cliff diving?" he joked lamely, his voice cracking.

Leah tried to grin at him, but started to cry instead, her shoulders heaving with the effort of trying to keep it all in. The pathetic little sobs squeaked out between the tightly shut lips. Seth's sad grin disappeared, and he wrapped his arms around his big sister tight, tears rolling down his cheeks too.

"I'm sorry Leah," he cried. "I didn't mean it. I know I'm not funny."

At this Leah started to hiccup and choke. Seth panicked, worried that she'd stop breathing while crying so hard until he realised she was laughing hysterically. He began to laugh too, not sure exactly what he was laughing at until they both ran out of puff.

"You're right," she wheezed. "You're not funny."

"Hey!"

He play-hit her as she laughed a little bit more. Her expression turned sombre again as she looked out to sea. Seth's brow creased with worry.

"It's not your fault Lee," he said softly.

Her dark eyes were mournful as she looked at him from a little girl's face, lost and alone. She shook her head, her lips pursed as if she couldn't answer him even if she wanted to. She wrapped her arms endearingly around him, hugging him tightly, surprised at how warm he was on this drizzly day.

She stood back and looked at him appraisingly. "You're a fine young man Seth. Dad was proud of you. Just don't feel you have to grow up too quick right now, we'll all manage together."

Seth swallowed hard, wondering how his big sister had seen right through him. He'd been worried about stepping up, the male of the family now, about what that would mean for the future. He guessed that was what happened with families. Either way, he had nothing more to say for now, and he just wanted to go and lie down a little. He figured it was days like these took it out of you. He backed away and left Leah to think, which he could see was what she wanted.

Leah was lost looking into at the hypnotic motion of the waves on the cliff. She wondered if the rocks felt the slamming of the surf upon them, or if they felt like she did, as if everything just washed over them and they felt nothing.

She felt rather than noticed the person beside her. Assuming it was Seth, she continued her silence, staring at the ocean. He was a good kid, but couldn't take a hint sometimes.

"Lee-lee.."

The hesitant voice was one she recognised immediately. Emily was the person standing at her side, looking at her. Leah raised her head to look at her cousin, sure that the hate that had been consuming her would resurface, but she felt nothing. There was not a drop of hate in her. She could feel the undercurrent of her anger running deep, but it was coloured with what she knew was the beginning of forgiveness. She needed her best friend now.

Tears in her eyes, she reached out to her cousin, who stared at the gesture in shock. Mutely, Emily grasped her hand tightly, grateful to bury the hatchet finally. And she too had loved her Uncle Harry. The two girls stood hand in hand for a time, silent and contemplative.

"Lee-lee," Emily started again, but was stilled by Leah's shaking head.

"Let's not talk about it anymore," Leah said tiredly. "There's been too much hurt. I'll be hurt, probably for a long time, but you're my best friend Em. And I just need a friend right now."

Emily stood beside her cousin, looking at the dear head bowed in grief. She was glad of the reprieve, but saddened that it had come at such a cost. She accepted that this was the closest she would get to an apology right now.

"Just don't do anything stupid, ok?" she pleaded gently with her cousin.

Leah nodded subtly. With a gentle hand squeeze, Emily left her cousin on the cliff top and went to join the rest of the mourners. Sam appeared from the woods and fell into step beside her. Leah continued to stare out at the water, her slender arms wrapping around her dark and forlorn form. Her lips trembled with the weight of her guilt over the stupid grudge that had stolen her beloved father away from them all.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to the spirit of her father. "This is all my fault."

She half expected an answer from the heavy grey sky or the rushing wind, but no answer came to her. Not that she deserved any. She barely felt she deserved to live at this moment, for her utter selfishness and self absorption.

All she could think as she gazed out at the ocean was that on a day like this, her father's funeral, she was sure it would rain. And as she thought that, a big fat raindrop landed on her face, followed by a thousand others. As the water drenched her, she finally began to let loose and sob, cleansed and punished by the cold beating delivered by the rain.