Thanks to R. for being supportive of me in my new hobbies and new job. Thanks to faeriemelie for the pictures. Thanks to Starrynytex for... everything.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. S. Meyer owns them. I make them do dirty things in the backseat of the Volvo.
B POV
Alice was waiting for me at the door when I got home from my picnic date. She took one look at my disheveled appearance and started laughing.
"Did you guys even go anywhere, or did you just park and fuck for three hours?" she asked, doubling over and collapsing on the ground in giggles.
"Are you drunk?" I asked, hoping to change the subject.
"Abso-fucking-lutely, my dear. No changing the subject on me, now spill," she replied, pulling herself into a sitting position on the floor. Dammit.
"We had a picnic on the beach and watched the stars."
"And then you fucked? Did you do it on the beach on in the car?"
I sighed. "In the car."
Alice squealed, jumped up, and flew at me, almost knocking me down. "I'm so excited!"
"Why are you excited?" I asked, trying very carefully not to move as Alice untangled herself from me.
"Because if you sleep with a guy more than once, then that means you like him and want him to be your boyfriend."
"Alice, I slept with him three times when he stayed the night."
"I mean, like, two times separated by a period of absence. So, you like him, right?"
I smiled at her. "Yeah, I do."
Alice squealed again, then dashed to her room, shouting, "I have to call Jasper and tell him!" as she flew by.
I shook my head, smiling at her extreme enthusiasm about my love life. Although right now it's more of a sex life.
I went to my room and headed straight for the shower. I relished in the feel of the hot water on my skin, although I was sad that Edward's scent would be erased from it by the spray. I would bathe in his scent if I could. It's so clean, yet musky, and absolutely male.
I took extra time shaving my legs, hoping that Edward would appreciate the effort. After realizing that I was doing things because of him, I had to stop and sit down in the tub. I'd never before been motivated by a man's opinion of me. Why was his so important?
I thought about how well we were getting along and how easy talking to him had been. We had a lot in common, and we made each other laugh. The sex was indescribably amazing, and after the first time we weren't awkward with each other. The feel of my hand in his was so… right.
Holy shit, you like him. Like, really like him. As in want to date him. The realization washed over me like the water from the spray I sat underneath, and I laughed to myself giddily. I want to actually date a nice, decent guy. It's a miracle!
I rushed through the rest of my shower, hoping that I hadn't missed my call from Edward. I wanted to talk to him about the prospect about dating each other exclusively. I had a feeling he would game for it, but I wasn't positive. I needed to approach the matter stealthily, though, so as not to scare him away.
The phone rang as I finished applying lotion to my arms, and I dashed to answer it. I checked the caller ID, and sure enough, it was Edward.
"Hello?"
"Hey, there, sweetie, how are you?" said Edward.
"Pretty good," I replied. "I just got out of the shower. How are you?"
"Better now that I'm thinking of your naked body moist and glistening." Did he really just say that out loud? Does he read my mind or something and know exactly what to say to make my knees weak and my underwear uncomfortable?
"Edward, you're quite the dirty boy. You should take a shower yourself," I purred, hoping to make him every bit as horny as I was.
"Only if you join me, Isabella. A shower's awfully lonely without a sexy woman in it. By the way, I still remember your face as you came on top of me earlier. Sexiest damn thing I've seen in my life." I don't know what had gotten into Edward, but it was nice. Granted, it might not be what's gotten into him but what he's gotten into that's the cause.
"I don't know, Edward, I think the faces you make when you finally set the perfect rhythm are pretty sexy. If I wasn't already mostly sure I was straight, you'd be the reason for me to go hetero."
"Oh, I know, baby. I figured if you were a lesbian, you and Alice would have gotten together."
"She was my first kiss, you know."
I heard silence, then a banging noise. "Uh, sorry, dropped the phone." Take that, you smug bastard!
"Sweaty palms? I know that guys are into the lesbian fantasy thing, but rest assured, Alice and I aren't fucking like bunnies when you and Jasper are at your little apartment."
"Next date we have, you should come over to my 'little apartment.' I could show you some stuff I'm working on. Oh, and Bella? What are your feelings on spankings?"
I was a little shocked, and surprisingly intrigued, at his bluntness. "I'm not opposed to it, if the moment is right. Why do you ask?"
"I'm going to make you pay for that comment about you and Alice. Have a good night, Isabella."
"Good night, Edward." I heard the phone click.
I fell back onto my bed, not caring about my bedroom door being slightly open or my nude state. All I cared about was getting my hands on Edward Cullen's Wondercock again. It took me ten minutes for my lust-filled haze to lift and to realize that I hadn't broached the subjected I'd wanted to. Mother fucker.
****
E POV
Motherfucker. I should have taken that girl home with me tonight. I was lying in my bed, freshly showered but still horny after my conversation with Bella. I don't know what exactly had come over me, but I began spouting off everything I was thinking. For some reason, she liked it. It made me wonder about the unseen freaky side to Bella Swan.
I still hadn't told her about the concert, and I was counting my lucky stars. My only worry now was whether or not I could avoid telling her why exactly I wouldn't be spending very much time with her this upcoming weekend. Sometimes I really hated the crazy rehearsal schedules that accompanied being a musician.
I heard a knock on my open bedroom door and looked up to see Jasper, wearing a navy blue bathrobe over his pajamas and looking like a young Hugh Hefner.
"What do you want?" I asked as I laid my head back down.
"I haven't seen you in a few days, so I figured I'd come see what my buddy was doing."
"You're a really bad liar, Jazz. Did you just get off the phone with Alice?"
"Yup. She had some interesting things to say about Miss Bella's appearance as she walked through the door. Also, Al was drunk out of her skull."
"Why would she be drunk?"
"Hard rehearsal with Jacob. He accidentally dropped her on her ass, and she kicked him in the balls. They're not happy with each other right now."
I laughed at the mental image. "You picked a hell of a girl, Whitlock. I'm surprised you're not having second thoughts."
"I'll have you know that I'm thinking about asking her to marry me." What the hell? Jasper, the smooth talkin' womanizer, is finally settling down with a crazed pixie of a girl who has an insane shopping habit and a low tolerance for alcohol.
"Are you for real? How long have you been dating, Jasper, three months?"
"When you know, you know. I love her, man. She's really amazing."
I couldn't deny that the guy had a point. The moment he'd laid eyes on Alice Brandon, he was a goner. He took her home with him that night, and I stayed at a hotel to avoid learning the knowledge that my best friend was a grunter (which Alice told me two days after they met, anyway.) She stayed for three days straight, cooked me meals when I absolutely had to return home, and then gave me the present of a fifty dollar iTunes gift card when she left to return to her own home, stating that she felt guilty for, quote, "making me uncomfortable enough to avoid my rightful place." She was a piece of work, but she and Jasper suited each other well. I'd never seen him smile or laugh as much in the nine years I'd known him.
"You are," I said finally.
"And you and Bella are perfect for each other, you know. I'm just waiting for the two of you to stop meandering and realize it." He left my room, and I heard him banging around in the kitchen.
Jasper's statement caught me off guard. I knew that Bella and I got along well. We had a lot in common, and the sex was really great. I liked the hell out of this girl, but I was kind of afraid that Jasper was right. Tanya had been perfect for you, too, and look how well that turned out.
I shook my head and sat up, trying to erase the self-doubt and cynicism from my brain. I really did like Bella, and I enjoyed the time I'd spent with her. The thing I wanted most in life, at that moment, was to spend more time with her. The realization that I wanted to date Bella exclusively hit me like a ton of bricks, and I needed to tell someone.
"Jasper!" I shouted.
He came back into my room, holding a bowl of ice cream and grinning at me. "Told ya so."
"I'm in over my head, aren't I?" I asked, already knowing what he'd say.
"In what manner, E? In that you are now keeping a secret surprise from a girl you want to date, or that you've let yourself get close to a girl again for the first time in five years?"
"Both."
"Yeah. You're fucked." Thanks, Jasper. Maybe you could help me out here?
"Any suggestions?"
"Pray that your surprise goes over well, try your best to make it seem like you're not blowing her off when you're at rehearsal, and tell her whatever your big epiphany was as soon as you step off of that stage. What was your epiphany?"
"I want to date her exclusively, and not just go on dates and have fun. I want our dates to have a purpose."
"You think you could love her," he stated, his face turning serious.
"I don't know. Maybe. All I know is that I want to find out, and I want her to know that I'm not dating anyone else." You sound like such a fucking chick, Cullen, all worried about feelings and shit.
"When are you going to tell her?"
"I don't know."
"I'll leave you to your thoughts, man. You look like you're about to get all emo kid angsty on me." He left the room again, shutting the door behind him.
I had no idea what I was doing. The last time I attempted a relationship with a girl, my heart went down in flames and explosions. Now I'd met a girl who was the complete opposite of Tanya, and I was afraid to let my guard down enough to see if this was the real thing. I wanted to give Bella a chance, but I wasn't sure if I was even ready to yet. But all that matters is what you want to do, so stop moping and get on with your life. Bella is terrific, and you don't want to let this chance pass you by.
Like always, my internal voice was right.
(*)(*)(*)(*)
I spent the next three days practicing, rehearsing, and fielding questions from Bella. She invited me over again Saturday, and I reluctantly told her I couldn't because I wasn't feeling well. On Sunday, she offered to bring me soup and to take care of me, but I asked her not to since I didn't know how contagious I was. I hated lying to her, and she sounded so hurt every time I told her not to come over. I was hoping that the surprise would be good enough that she would instantly forgive me, but I had a nagging feeling that things were going to go very, very badly.
After the Sunday call, I laid in my bed and wrestled with the idea of telling her the truth. I just wanted to get everything into the open: the concert, the lying, and how I felt about her and our situation. I knew that if she'd give me the chance to explain things in detail that she would say yes to a relationship, and I was eager for more time with her. And more time motor boating those tantalizing titties. Man, that's way inappropriate when compared to your previous thoughts. Get a hold of yourself.
I slept maybe three hours that night. I was thinking way too much and couldn't relax. Jasper knew immediately what was going on when he saw me the next morning.
"Dude, you look like complete shit. Bad dreams?" he asked as he poured his coffee.
"No, just couldn't sleep," I mumbled, grasping my coffee mug in a stranglehold.
"Ah, so you're thinking about the fact that you're lying to the girl you're sleeping with." He added milk and liberal amounts of sugar to his mug.
"I'm really thinking this is a bad idea. I'm one sad-voiced phone call away from telling her everything." I greedily chugged two-thirds of the contents in my mug, hoping that somehow the hot liquid would give me courage.
As if on cue, Alice emerged from Jasper's room, wearing a Spongebob Squarepants pajama set. She walked straight to me, stopping only inches away from my face.
"If I'm able to hold out telling her this long, you'll be able to wait another thirty-six hours. She will love this surprise, and she will be so excited and relieved to hear that you like her in that special way."
"What do you mean when you say relieved, Alice?" I asked, arching one eyebrow.
"She's been kind of worried that you're blowing her off. That's why I was sent to spend the night with Jasper. I was supposed to investigate and make sure there wasn't another woman around." Jasper came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her neck. Fucking lovebirds.
"It's okay, though, because Alice knows the truth and will make sure to tell Bella that she's the only woman in your life right now," interjected Jasper in an attempt to lift my spirits. It didn't work.
They left soon after, and I was alone with my thoughts again. I spent the hours practicing for the troublesome concert, making sure that at least something would end up working perfectly. When I wasn't practicing I was at my computer, trying to compose and running into stumbling blocks at every measure. All of the chords sounded wrong and foreign, as if I'd never composed a day in my life. You need to chill the fuck out before you give yourself a coronary. Bella wouldn't much appreciate it if the guy she's sleeping with drops dead.
I was actually excited to get to the rehearsal that night, relishing in the fact that tomorrow night Bella would know everything and hopefully swoon into my waiting arms. I got to the stage, noting that I was so early most of the choir hadn't even arrived yet. A tiny ball of black-haired energy accosted me as I was about to tune my violin.
"Edward, thank God you're here. I can't be alone with Jacob right now," said Alice, pointing behind her to the man behind her.
"Oh, come on, Alice! All I did was eat one bite of it. It's not like I ate the whole thing," said Jacob as he approached. My blood began to boil on reflex, and I had to tell myself that he had never done anything to incur this kind of senseless wrath.
"What are you talking about?" I asked the two of them, wondering why the dance partners were looking at each other with homicidal thoughts spinning behind their eyes.
"I bought a Snickers to snack on because my blood sugar was dipping and I need to be in top form tonight. I ate a few bites, then set it down so I could get a bottle of water from a different vending machine. When I returned, I saw Jake over here biting into my candy bar," Alice explained, obviously hoping I'd share in the indignation she was feeling.
"I apologized, Al. Look, I'll even buy you a new one, ok?" said Jacob. Alice nodded, then leaped up and gave him a hug. These two are fucking insane. No wonder Bella writes, she's living in a loony bin full of good material.
Jacob turned his attention to me. "So, yeah, I'm Bella, Alice, and Emmett's friend, Jacob Black. I don't think we've formally met." He extended his hand to me, and I took it. The handshake was firm but not overly so, which meant that he wasn't trying to size me up.
"Hi, Jacob, I'm Edward Cullen. It's nice to meet you." Alice stayed silent and watched, looking poised to break up a fight if she needed.
"Look, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding at the party. Bella's always affectionate after a little Mary Jane." She'd had marijuana that night, too? No wonder she chose Journey, of all things. "I wouldn't want to deprive Bella of the good lovin' I'm sure you're giving her. She's a sweet girl, and one of my best friends. Although if you're ever looking to get a little kink on the side…" he trailed off, winking at me. Was he seriously hitting on me?
"Jacob, stop fucking with him," said Alice, looking apologetically at me before turning murderous eyes towards Jacob.
Jacob laughed, a high-pitched hyena cackle that reminded me of Tom Hulce in Amadeus. When he finally stopped, he said to me, "I'm sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood. You seem so intense! Come on, Alice, my darling, it's time to stretch." She waved goodbye to me and took Jacob's hand as they walked to the side of the stage.
The rehearsal went really well. I couldn't watch Alice and Jacob dancing, but the reactions I heard from the choir let me know that it was a stunning piece. The choir director came up to me after the rehearsal, full of gratitude and appreciation for my filling in and awe and praise for the way I played. The choir sounded magnificent, and I was grateful to be working with such a talented group of people.
I drove home quickly, anxious to speak with the beautiful girl I wanted to tell everything to. I decided to leave the violin in the car trunk since I didn't plan on practicing until I got back to the school the next day. I walked into the door of my apartment, prepared to explain everything to Bella.
****
B POV
I had decided after the call on Sunday that I would surprise Edward with some TLC the next night. He'd sounded so tired and pitiful on the phone, and I wanted to let him know that he could depend on me in his time of need. That and you want to get all up close and personal with the Wondercock again.
The past few days had been torture. I'd had the nightmare again Friday night, and the next day the words wouldn't come to me. I desperately wanted the distraction that Edward would be able to provide me, but he told me he was sick. Whenever I offered to come by and take care of him, he refused, stating that he wasn't sure if he was contagious or not. The insecurity I felt after the night he stayed over was welling back up, and I didn't like feeling so vulnerable.
I still hadn't brought up my desire for a real relationship, afraid that he'd find me pathetic and clingy. This fear is what made my actions on Monday night so irrational and crazy.
I called Jasper to get the address and the directions to the apartment so that Edward wouldn't know I was coming. He reluctantly gave it to me, and I heard him mumble something about getting dragged into Edward's messes again. Wait, what?
Jasper's comment made me nervous. All kinds of thoughts ran through my head, and most of them involved me finding Edward in bed with one or more women when I arrived at his place. I drove like a maniac, perversely hoping I'd catch him in the act. Girl, you have some major trust issues. You're on your way to looking like that chick from Single White Female.
I ran up the stairs to the third floor apartment Jasper and Edward shared, tomato soup and saltine crackers in hand. I rang the doorbell and waited. Jasper finally opened the door, looking disheveled and stressed out.
"Come on in, Bella," he said.
I all but ran past him, searching the apartment for signs of Edward. I'd never been here before, so I wasn't sure which room was his.
"Where the fuck is he, Jasper?" I asked, twirling around to face the man I was speaking to.
"I think he went to run some errands. He'll be back soon." He looked apologetic and concerned.
My knees started to waver, fearing that Jasper was lying to me. Why would Edward be running errands while he's sick? Why would he lie to me?
Jasper took immediate action, leading me to a chair in the living room and setting me down.
"Jasper? When he comes back, I'd like you to talk to him alone, if that's okay." He nodded. "Also, could you put that bag on the counter? I brought him some soup. He said he was sick." I pointed at the bag I'd dropped in the doorway.
Jasper took care of the bag, then turned his attention back to me. "I'm going to go to my room and leave you be," he said, moving quickly.
"No! Please don't let my presence effect whatever you were doing. Stay and talk with me?"
Jasper obliged, and he sat down on the couch next to me. We talked a little about Alice and about his job, and I told him about the book I was writing. He would apologize every few minutes, saying how he was sure Edward was caught in traffic or forgot something at the store.
Finally, he said to me, "I need to make a phone call. Excuse me." He went into his room.
A few minutes later, I heard Jasper yelling at the person on the other end of the phone. "She's fucking sitting here, looking like a lost, dejected puppy! She brought soup, for Christ's sake." Jasper paused for a moment. "It was a terrible plan! I don't want to lie for you anymore." Silence. "This is seriously fucked, you know. She deserves to be treated better. She's head over heels, I can see it from the look in her eyes." More silence. "Look, you need to talk to her and explain everything so that you don't fuck this up. She's the best thing to ever happen to you." I didn't hear anything after that.
How could I have been so stupid? He really was blowing me off. I was positive of this. He's cheating. That's the best explanation. I was his twice-a-week girl, and here I am, fucking up the schedule because I'm too caring to know better. I was numb, not sure what to feel or think after I realized that I wasn't the only woman in Edward Cullen's life.
I sat in that chair and waited for him for three hours. Jasper sat next to me on the floor the entire time, trying to talk to me and make sure I wasn't going to murder his roommate. The numbness subsided after the first hour, and it was replaced by fiery rage. I'm not going to murder him, Jasper dear, don't worry. I'm just going to castrate him and make his testicles a bronzed necklace. That'll teach him to fuck with the emotions of Bella Swan.
Finally, I heard a key hit the lock. Jasper jumped up and darted to him bedroom, closing the door quickly and quietly. I jumped up, the anger in me boiling to a fever pitch, and watched Edward walk through the door. He looked exhausted and sweaty. Oh, this motherfucker's going down.
When his eyes hit me, a myriad of emotions flash through them, and I wasn't sure which was which. All I knew was that I was pissed.
"Hello, Edward. How was your evening? I see you've made a remarkable recovery," I spat at him, seething venom into every syllable.
"Bella." He looked like he was trying to come up with a good excuse.
"Save your excuses, buddy. I know where you've been."
"You do?" he asked hopefully, eyes brightening.
"Yeah, you've been fucking your other woman. Or other women, who knows? So, am I the Monday and Thursday girl, or do you like to play around with the schedule?"
"What the hell are you talking about? There's no-"
"Save your explanations and excuses, Cullen. Just know that Isabella Swan ain't playing this game." I stalked past him quickly, then paused at the doorway. "Forget my name, forget my number, forget you know me." I left his house, driving home in a blur of headlights and darkness.
I didn't start crying until I saw Alice in the living room of the house. She looked at my face, and I wasn't positive, but a guilty look flickered across her face for a moment. I was too emotionally exhausted to care.
A/N: The title comes from the poem "A Secret Told" by Emily Dickinson.
Spongebob Squarepants is my guilty pleasure. Every single from looks like it's on acid, and that is delightful to me for some reason.
Amadeus is an amazing movie about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. it's not very historically accurate, but the film-making and the acting are superb. Tom Hulce's performance as Mozart is my favorite, even if the shrill laugh makes me want to gouge out my eardrums by the end of the movie.
Love to Edwardville lj community and to the IMDB board. You guys make me happy.
Reviews will make the next update come faster.