Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The First Time

The first times for James and Juliet.

"I cannot be awake for nothing looks to me as it did before, Or else I am awake for the first time, and all before has been a mean sleep."

Ch 11

The first time they talked about his childhood they had decided to eat dinner outside."I said I wanted mine medium" She said jokingly as he ran up to the grill to remove the steaks. He tilted his head to the side to look at her.

"And who's fault was that?" he asked her. She looked at him with a challenge in her eyes. "You attacked me, remember?" he said with a grin as he walked over to her with the plate in his hand. He kept walking until she sank down onto the bench. He placed the plate down slowly making sure to get as close to her as he could. He brought his mouth to hers, he opened it and she opened hers. He hovered over her lips without touching them; her eyes were closed, her body was relaxed waiting for him. He smiled as he could feel she was getting impatient. He pulled away. "Forgot the beers" he said and walked away to get them.

She sat back up and looked at him as he came back. "If you hadn't had the sudden urge to take me on the lawn chair over there, ya could'a had your steak medium" He told her and she smiled, stood up grabbed her beer from him then grabbed his shirt with her hand, pulled him to her and kissed him.

After dinner they laid out on a blanket on the grass. He was lying on his back with one hand behind his head, she was doing the same, they watched the sunset turn into night. They were both were silent as they looked up at the stars.

"I never listened to my mother" he said suddenly "When I was little…whenever she told me not to do somethin' I was went right ahead and did it."

Juliet turned her head slowly towards him. He got quiet again but she could tell from the way he was breathing that he wasn't done talking. She continued looking up at the stars with him, knowing that he would continue when he was ready.

James looked up then he looked at Juliet. She was staring straight ahead but he knew she was listening, she always was. When you talked to her, when anyone talked, she listened.

"When she came to me one day and grabbed my shoulders and told me to get under the bed and to stay there no matter what I heard. I listened." He took a deep breath the pain of that day coming back to him. "I heard my dad's footsteps and I knew they were the angry ones…" He closed his eyes and she could feel his body tense up. "That first sound I heard…that first loud bang. I wanted to run out there…and protect to her…" he swallowed "Like I was supposed to, I was supposed to protect to her…but I didn't… I stayed"

Juliet closed her eyes; she couldn't even begin to imagine what he went through that night. The sheer pain of his loss is something she's never experienced. She feels the tears start to gather at the corner of her eyes. She placed her hand over his; he was shaking.

"He came into my room…I couldn't move…then I heard another bang and I felt the bed sink down from his weight." He paused again and took more deep breathes. The memory wasn't a strong one but the details where there. The picture was blurry, but the sounds, the smells, the feelings were what he remembered.. "The only time I listened was the last time I heard her voice." his own voice cracked as finished. He felt the first tear drop down his cheek, a weakness he doesn't often afford himself, and only ever does allow when he's with her.

Juliet let go of his hand and cuddled up close to him. She placed her hand on his chest; she could feel his heart beating rapidly. She brought her hand to his face and slowly turned his head she sees the intense vulnerability in his eyes as he looks at her. For the first time she sees the scared little boy hiding under his bed. "James, it's not your fault" her voice tells him softly, the soothing tone of her voice bringing him back from the memory. He looks at her and brings his arm around her and bringing her closer. For the longest time the sounds of a car back firing or someone kicking a garbage can brought him back to that day. He could swear he smelled the gun powder and he'd fall to the ground terrified that it was turn. He knew deep down that if is father had found him he would've died too. That was the message his mother was telling him with her eyes, she was doing what mothers do, protecting him. He did blame himself for not doing anything to save her, he never told anyone about what happened that night. When the cops came he couldn't speak, he didn't want to talk to the psychiatrists or counselors they made him see and Kate had read his letter but he never talked about it. She laid her head on his chest as he placed his hand over hers. Having her in his arms made it seem like everything was going to be fine. He never knew what it meant to share yourself with someone, to let them inside, to let them see all of you. He didn't have to hide his his demons, his pain, his fears.