Chapter 11
Merlin and Morgana would often sit together by the fire, talking after Hunith had retired to her chamber. Initially their conversations had been so hesitant, so wary. But over time they had relaxed with one another and their talks were more substantive. One evening, Merlin handed Morgana her cup of tea and looked at her with unusual intensity. "I'd like to talk about something. I want to. I want to apologize to you for something." His eyes pierced her, pulled at something deep within her. Nodding, she mutely agreed. Unable to break the contact with his deep blue eyes. "We've been terrible to each other. I know that. So terrible that I honestly can't believe that we're here together right now. It's like that happened to completely different people. But it wasn't. Morgana there is so much blood and betrayal between us. But, I think I'm ready to let that go. I can see that's not who you are anymore. And I also think. I think that's not who I am anymore, either. What happened to me in Camelot. Well I won't go into that. But it showed me that I wasn't complete. I needed to change. It makes me see that we both had to grow and heal. But that doesn't erase the past. I want to talk about the Knights of Medhir."
Morgana opened her mouth to stop him. He had explained this to her before, when she had returned to Camelot. There was no need to have this conversation. But he stopped her with a finger to her lips.
"Please, I need to do this." Nodding, Morgana agreed. "That day, the sleeping sickness. I thought that the only way to stop the Knights was to kill the source of the spell. You. I gambled with your life that Morgause would call off the attack to save you. Morgana. I was wrong. So terribly wrong. I should have trusted you. I should have told you. But I didn't have the courage to ask you if you knew. If you willingly had taken part. I was scared of the answer. So I. I. I did what I did. I felt like I had to choose the whole kingdom or you and I chose the whole kingdom. Morgana I should not have done that. I should have chosen you. I know I don't deserve it. But I'm asking for your forgiveness."
Morgana tried to put herself in Merlin's position. To think what she would have done in his place. Haltingly, she began. "I didn't know. I didn't know Morgause had made me the focus of the spell. I didn't know anything about magic at the time. All I knew was that she was going to defeat Uther. Something I wanted so desperately. I didn't realize the implications. What that would really mean. What her plan really entailed. I'd like to think that if I had that I would never have agreed. But I don't honestly know if I can say I wouldn't have. I was so angry. So full of hatred. Merlin, I want to think that if I knew what the stakes were that I would have willingly sacrificed myself for the greater good. I want to think that about myself. But I don't know if I was ready then, to accept that there are some things that are more important than one person's senseless vengeance. I think. I think that you were right." Morgana took Merlin's hands in her own. "Merlin I forgive you. You were right. Had you acted any differently than you did, I don't know that Camelot would still stand today. And I finally see that Camelot has to stand. I may not like the ban on magic. But I have seen the types of men that would take Arthur's place. And they do not love the people, the land. They only love power."
Merlin's shoulders dropped the tension they'd been holding. On a relieved exhale he said, "Thank you. Thank you so much. I won't keep you any longer. It's late. Morgana, have a good night. And. Thank you again."
It took both of the sorcerers a long time to fall asleep that night. Maybe they really were different people now.
Morgana had taken Merlin's white mare out hunting early that morning. She had been pleasantly surprised when he offered her the use of the beautiful horse at breakfast. She had been even more surprised when he offered her the use of his luxurious cloak to ward off the chilly air. The dense brown wool cloak was lined in the softest fur imaginable. It was perfectly warm without being too hot. And it smelled like Merlin. Like bayberry and that indefinable essence of him. Unconsciously she had snuggled deeper into the heavy folds of the cloak. Thanking him sincerely before heading out. She had a pleasant day, getting to know the spirited mare's temperament and obtaining a rather large brace of pheasants. It had been a successful hunt and Morgana was in high spirits as she returned to the cottage. Coming over the hill, she could see Merlin hard at work, sawing wood for the stables.
Looking up, Merlin saw Morgana coming over the hill, leaving the woods and returning to the house. The sun shone down on her. Her perfect face and long black hair framed by the fur trim of his cloak. Roses bloomed in her ivory cheeks. Victory and joy in her flashing green eyes. She looked like a forest goddess, The Maiden Huntress. And she took his breath away. So distracted was he by her radiance, that he didn't look at what he was doing, and cut a long, deep gash in his left arm with the saw.
Merlin was cursing loudly. How unlike him, she thought. Something must be wrong. Leaping from the mare, Morgana ran to him, the cloak billowing behind her. "Merlin what is it? What's happened? Is it Hunith?" With a grimace, he shook his head. Taking his hand off of his arm. Morgana sucked in her breath when she saw the long, angry cut, freely bleeding on the ground. Immediately she reached out and inspected the wound. "I'm going to need to take care of this right away. I'll need hot water, some strong thread, and a needle." Pulling him into the house, she sat him down by the fire and went to gather what she needed.
"Morgana, get the brandywine from the pantry as well. Put the needle in the fire and then dip it in the wine before you sew the wound closed. It will prevent blood poisoning." Merlin said through clenched teeth. Adding, "and could you please use a fire spell to get the water to a good boil quickly? I don't think it's wise to wait any longer than absolutely necessary to take care of this but the water must be boiled before we use it to clean the wound." Hissing in pain he didn't see her impressed look. Nodding absent-mindedly, Morgana did as he asked, quickly grabbing willow bark and several other things from her stock of herbs. Returning to where Merlin sat, she gently took his left arm and cradled it in her lap as she tended to his wound.
"This is going to hurt, I'm afraid. But it's necessary." she told him after the wound was completely clean and she prepared to sew the angry gash.
"Not if you numb the site with clove oil first. Do we have any?" Merlin asked. Shaking her head, Morgana admitted they did not. "Can you use your magic, then?" He asked.
Morgana had not considered that, but couldn't see a reason not. So with a whispered word and a flash of golden eyes, she eased his pain, and sewed the wound closed, adding a healing spell to minimize the scar. When she was finished, he didn't pull his hand away, and she continued to gently stroke up and down his arm, murmuring soothing words.
Still not moving his arm from her lap, Merlin looked at Morgana. "Thank you," he said, his eyes sincere. "I could not have taken care of this half so well as you did. You are a gifted healer, Morgana."
They were sitting so close, their faces were mere inches away from each other.
"You have impressive knowledge yourself. Gaius has taught you well. I've never used alcohol to clean a wound. But it seems to have been very effective.
"Using your magic was very effective as well. Boiling the water would have taken too long without it. And thank you for easing the pain before you stitched it closed. I appreciate the kindness."
"I'm surprised you asked. I didn't think you would want me to use magic on you. Considering our history..." She trailed off and looked away from Merlin. Remembering the time she had tried to make Merlin her assassin. Ashamed at the memories.
Using his good hand, Merlin cupped her cheek and urged her to look at him. "Morgana. I forgive you. I'm not scared of your power. Magic isn't evil or wrong. You aren't evil or wrong. You were just...lost. We aren't those people anymore, remember?"
Morgana was drowning in his deep blue eyes. Lost. Yes, she had been lost. But if she wasn't lost anymore. Did that mean she was found? By Merlin? What did that mean? Blinking and breaking the eye contact, Morgana brusquely sat up. "Keep that clean, and no working on the stables until it's healed." Then she left, wanting to take a walk and clear her head.
Merlin sat there for quite some time trying to decide if something was happening between them or if he just wanted there to be.
Unseen by either sorcerer, Hunith smiled with satisfaction.
"Morgana, dear, with Merlin's arm hurt could you please help him with the stables? I know it's so much to ask but I don't know if he will be able to get it done with that arm still hurting him so much." Hunith trailed off, her voice dripping with concern.
Surprised, Morgana looked up from the burn cream she was mixing. "I...don't see why not. I will see what I can do to help as soon as I'm finished here."
"Oh no, dear, let me. I think I can manage it. You've been a fantastic teacher." And she fixed Morgana with a beautiful smile.
Nodding, Morgana left the cottage and went in search of Merlin. She found him in the woods behind the house, with Aithusa. Working with her on her flight. The poor dragon had been so malnourished that her wing muscled hadn't developed as they should have. But with months of food and love, she was growing stronger by the day. Morgana watched them for a time. Enjoying the sight of the tall man and white dragon working together. Hearing the words of encouragement and praise that he lavished on the dragon. This was a good man. She approached the two with a smile on her face. "If you'd like, Merlin, maybe I can help you with fixing up the stables while your arm heals?"
Merlin considered that for a moment before nodding. "Yes, I think that you could actually be a big help." And they worked closely for the rest of the day. The work was hard, but they made a good team. What's more, they were actually enjoying themselves. When Hunith came out to call them to dinner, they realized with some surprise that the sun had nearly set. Where had the time gone?
Working on the stables together took most of their time in the following days. And during those days, Merlin and Morgana forged a new friendship. They could never go back to the time when they had first met. But this was good. More than good. They genuinely liked each other. Morgana found herself smiling when she got up in the mornings, eager to spend the day working at Merlin's side. And she could tell he was enjoying it, as well. They would often tease each other, making jokes, trying to make the other laugh. There were times, however, when something would make Merlin seem so sad that it nearly broke Morgana's heart. She could always tell when it happened. The light in his eyes would dim and he would become quiet. Pensive. And because she didn't think he was ready to talk about it, and didn't want to upset their delicate balance by pushing him too far, she simply offered what comfort she could. With a gentle touch or a sympathetic smile.
As work progressed on the stables, Merlin caught Morgana up on everyone back home. In Camelot. As happy as they were here with Hunith, they both knew that Camelot would always be their home. They both could admit that they missed it. He told her about Gaius, how the patient physician was constantly threatening to retire to make Merlin the court physician. Told her about the Knights. Not just Leon, but Elyan, Gwaine, and Percival as well. Told her about Lancelot and his noble sacrifice. Told her about Gwen and Arthur, their wedding, the coronation, their deep love.
"I miss them, you know. Arthur and Gwen. I can't believe it's true, but there you have it. Arthur was such a pest as a child! What a brat he was! But there's goodness to him. Nobility. Maybe that's what drew him to Gwen. Merlin, there's nobody save your own mother who is as good and kind and strong as Gwen. I regret that I wasn't there to share that day with them. When Gwen was my servant, we only cared about those titles in public, when we had to. In private we were just Morgana and Gwen. Friends. Sisters, really." Tears got caught in her long black eyelashes. "I wish Gwen were here now. Wish I could tell her how wrong I was. How sorry I am."
Merlin reached up and brushed away her tears. Tears of his own threatening to fall from his eyes. "You and Arthur have that in common, you know. When we are...were, in public it was always 'My Lord' and 'Yes, Sire' but when it was just the two of us those trappings fell aside and we were just friends. Brothers. But Arthur never let anyone else see that."
Morgana couldn't help but laugh at that, earning a sharp look from Merlin. "No no I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at the thought that you two thought you were hiding your friendship from everyone. Merlin, I left Camelot a long time ago but even still, I have to tell you that everybody knew how close you were. Gwen and I would laugh about it. Leon and the knights would comment on it. Some even thought you had a very different kind of relationship, if you catch my meaning." Merlin sputtered out a denial, causing Morgana to laugh even harder. "I know it wasn't true! But you have to admit. You spent every single hour of every single day together. There was bound to be talk..." She trailed off, taking pity on Merlin before he got apoplexy. "Merlin you're the first true friend that my brother ever had. His friends before he met you. They were hangers-on. They didn't care about the real Arthur. Didn't know his faults and strengths. I don't know what happened between you. And I know Hunith asks you every day so I won't add my voice to the chorus. But Merlin, I know that you miss him. I can see it in your eyes when you're reminded of him. But believe me when I tell you that I know he misses you, too. Don't give up hope. You'll reconcile. Just have faith."
Hunith would often watch the two sorcerers as they worked. Sitting with Aithusa, she would share her thoughts with the silent dragon. "Do you see it, dear? Do you see what's happening over there? I'll tell you what it is. That is two people falling in love. I just know it. Look at the way they keep touching. How they look at each other constantly. I remember being that way with Balinor. They just need a little push."
Aithusa could see more than even Hunith. Looking over at the two sorcerers, Aithusa could see that the darkness and evil had lost their battle for Morgana. Freed from their icy grasp, the fire of her spirit was flaring high. Shining brightly. What's more, the dragon could see the threads of her destiny reaching out towards Merlin. The silver tendrils caressing and entwining with the shining golden threads of his own great destiny. They were the sun and the moon. One the light of life, bold, masculine, raw power. The other a light to guide men in the darkness, more subtle, changing, mysterious, feminine. But their destinies had not yet completely merged, there was still a chance that they would fail. Aithusa agreed with Hunith. Maybe they just needed a push.