Disclaimer: I do not own SpongeBob SquarePants. I do own Evilene, however. No, she's not an author insert.

A/N: Sorry for the delay. My brain went AWOL, and it took me a while to find it.

Squidward sat in the passenger seat of Patrick's boat with his arms crossed, masking his disappointment with the irritation that the former barely outweighed. "He could have at least told me he wouldn't be coming himself."

"He would have if he could have, but I was the only person willing to help him, and my boat is a two-seater. SpongeBob asked me to convey his apologies."

They sat in silence for a while as the Hustler 41 Razor flew down the abandoned road at a speed Squidward was sure would buy Patrick at least a year in jail. But then, Patrick was more than capable of buying his way out. The rich could do as they pleased, so long as the law was paid off and the defendants were shut up.

At length, Patrick tried to begin a conversation. "I know you must be furious with me at the moment, but at least I gave you closure with your relationship with SpongeBob."

"No you didn't."

But Patrick persisted. "If you don't feel I deserve the credit, I understand. What matters is that you have it."

"I don't have it. I never made it to the doctor's house. I never got SpongeBob's brain back."

Patrick looked surprised. "You didn't? Then what is in the satchel?"

"My medication. I still have no clue whether or not SpongeBob cheated on me."

Evilene was getting restless as she sat in her boat parked behind a giant boulder where it would be safely hidden from view of the road. No more than ten meters behind her, the seabed dropped an astonishing 300 feet down a sheer cliff that fed right into Rock Bottom Prison, where anyone who survived the fall would immediately be devoured by the inmates therein. Her lips curled sinisterly as she imagined Squidward's broken body being ripped apart by the bulging, muscular arms of the savages deplorable enough to be sentenced to the harshest undersea prison this side of North America.

She tapped her watch irritably, cursing Patrick for taking so long to deliver the squid. She just wanted to get this part over with as soon as possible so she could get back to the pineapple and continue to move in with SpongeBob.

She lowered her head at the sound of a boat approaching from the distance, but realized such wasn't necessary once she'd recognized the distinct sound of the engine, how its insane speed sparked something like rage in the mechanical beast. She remained hidden as Patrick veered off the road and slammed to a stop, causing the unsuspecting Squidward to bang his head on the windshield.

"Ow!" he moaned, clasping a tentacle decorated with scrapes to his skull. "Why are we stopping?"

"My apologies, Squidward. I never meant for it to come to this, but we do what we must to thrive."

"What are you talking about?" he asked, still foggy from the drugs, and now also the headache.

"He's talking about me," Evilene announced, suddenly revealing herself.

"Evilene! What are you doing here? Where's SpongeBob?" Then his gaze shifted to the cliff behind them, and recognition brightened his eyes. "Rock Bottom?" And suddenly it all made sense: why Patrick had picked him up and SpongeBob had never spoken directly to him. "You. It was you on the phone the whole time."

Evilene smirked, delight shimmering in her eyes as if Hell itself reflected within. "Guilty as charged."

"But why are you working with her, Patrick? She's your ex-wife! She cheated on you with SpongeBob, and you're divorcing her for it."

"Divorced," Patrick corrected, and the two starfish displayed their lack of wedding bands. "Actually, I divorced her because she cheated on me with Eugene Krabs. SpongeBob is simply part of the aftermath."

"And now that we're divorced, I am free to screw whomever I choose," Evilene added. "Speaking of which, I have news for you. Your little soul mate asked me to move in with him, and I accepted. In fact, we were in the process of unloading my things when Patrick picked you up."

Squidward scowled. "You're lying. SpongeBob would never –"

"SpongeBob already has. See for yourself." She tossed him an envelope, which he just managed to catch. "The evidence is inside." Instead of opening it, however, Squidward threw it into their faces and made a mad dash for the road. Evilene scowled and took off after him.

On a good day, Squidward might have been able to outrun her, since he had twice as many legs as she and was in better shape. But his recent trauma compounded with the lethargic drugs in his system made even walking difficult, and so he was easily overtaken by the woman. Forcefully, she jerked his arms behind him and pinned them to his back. "Don't be so naïve, Squidward. You should have known as soon as you left your house, you'd never see him again. It was by sheer luck that you escaped the Mariana Trench at all. But luck rarely shines on a person twice in so short a time, especially considering how swiftly your end approaches."

Squidward squirmed against her hold, but Evilene would not have that, and pressed her knee firmly into the one leg she knew was broken. He cried out in pain, yet his struggling did not cease. "You're a stubborn thing, aren't you? You must know this is futile, and yet you continue to fight. Why?"

"Because, unlike you, I have something to fight for: love. All you care about is money and power. You never loved SpongeBob; you just wanted to take him away from me. You can't stand the thought that someone could be happy while you're so miserable. Aah!"

Evilene stabbed her elbow into the gash on his back, causing it to bleed through his shirt. "You know nothing of my life. You don't know what I've been through, what I've lost to get this far. You don't know me."

"And he never will," Patrick said, getting out of his boat. He stooped down and helped Evilene drag their prisoner over to the edge of the cliff. Then, without any further delay, they pitched him over the side and to his death. They didn't get to watch him fall, since they had to back away from the bluff in order to maintain their balance. However, when they did peer down into the abyss, there was neither sight nor sound of the victim, and thus they were satisfied that he was dead for good this time.

At the edge of the darkness, clinging desperately to the rock face, Squidward looked up just in time to see them kiss.

A/N: I will try to update quicker next time. Hopefully there won't be such a delay again.