I felt strong arms wrap around my middle and pull me back to solid ground. I let out a
cry, struggling against them. I found myself being pinned down by my wrists. Bryan stared down
at me. "Bryan… please." I begged, still fighting him.
"No." When I finally stopped trying to push him off of me, he let go.
"I want to die, Bryan. Just let me die." He didn't answer.
"Get help, please. You aren't alone. You are needed by a lot of people. I don't
understand why you want to go so badly."
"It's for the greater good." I couldn't get myself to look him in the eye. He
grabbed my shoulders.
"I want you to go home, Merlin. Get some rest. You're gonna be okay. Just don't
do anything crazy, alright? God, Merlin…" He ran his fingers through his hair. "Promise me I'll
see you again." I shook my head.
"I can't promise you that."
"Of course you can. Just say it, please." I stared at him for a long time.
"I promise." He let out the breath he had been holding.
"Thank you. Now go home, be with your guardian. I can't make you tell him what's
happened but I think you should. I don't even know who he is." I didn't answer Bryan, but I
went down the steps. I wandered aimlessly for another hour before I finally found myself at
Gaius's doorstep. I knocked, too nervous to go in without being invited. He might still be mad at
me. He should be, after all, I'd almost killed Leala. I was still mad at me.
He opened the door, relief flooding him at the sight of me. "Oh thank goodness." He
held open the door for me to come in. Instead, I ran into him, putting my arms around him in a
hug. It could've been a guard standing at his doorstep, telling him that his ward was dead. And
not just dead, but suicide. I imagined his face, contorted in horror, guilt, and pain at the
realization, and it made me sob harder.
"Merlin, it's not your fault." Gaius said, trying to reassure me. "She's doing much better
now." I didn't want to explain that that was not the biggest problem, so I just held tighter to
him. He was my lifeline at the moment.
He led me inside, both of us careful not to wake Leala. Gaius sat with me on my bed for
a long time, before asking if I wanted a sleeping potion. I nodded, wanting to sleep. Maybe if I
was lucky, I wouldn't wake up. "Merlin, you are very lucky to have your life." Kilgarrah's voice
said in my mind.
"I wouldn't say that."
"You don't really wish for death, young warlock."
"How can you be so sure?"
"We have a bond. You want escape from your destiny, but you will not find it. The
answer is not death. You must embrace who you are."
"I cannot find peace, Kilgarrah."
"You are not looking in the right places. Be strong, young warlock." He was gone, and
Gaius held out a purple potion to me, which I gratefully took a sip of. I was out within seconds.
Gaius shook me awake in the morning, offering me breakfast that I didn't accept. I felt
sick to my stomach, picturing what my tangled body would have looked like at the foot of the
tower. I kissed Leala on the forehead before leaving.
Arthur looked as if he were in a state of shock when I came to bring him breakfast. He
was already up and dressed. "Sire?"
"Just set it on the table." He was very detached, speaking to me more as a servant than
a friend.
"Is something wrong?" I asked him. He looked up at me.
"Your job is to work, not make small talk. I don't need you right now. Go." His voice
seemed disappointed.
"Yes Sire." The hurt in my voice was obvious, and I left without another word. I talked
with Gwen for a little while, and the glint in her eyes told me she suspected something was
wrong with me. Not wanting her to bring it up, I changed the subject.
"Is something wrong with Arthur? He didn't seem like himself this morning." Gwen face
quickly shifted into that of worry.
"I haven't seen him yet today. I'll go up and talk to him."
"Thanks, Gwen." I was in a sort of daze, with no requested work from Arthur.
Eventually, I settled with just sitting in one of the castle's more desolate hallways, right near a
window overlooking Camelot.
Less than an hour later, I saw someone rush out of the palace. Upon closer inspection, I
realized it was Arthur, his face no longer the hollow expression I'd seen earlier, but that of
determination. Curious, I hurried down the stairs and followed in the direction he had gone.
When he knocked on the door to Gaius's chambers, I was thoroughly confused. The
familiar old man opened the door, and Arthur shoved a letter into his hands. I peeked around
the corner just enough to make out what it read.
Prince Arthur,
For the past couple of months, I have been visited by a young man while on duty in the
watchtower. He shows his frustration and anger and pain. He tried to jump last night, I was only
just able to grab him in time. I worry that perhaps he will try again, or try something different.
He's hurting. His name is Merlin, your manservant, and he said you were his friend. For his sake,
I can only hope he was right.
Bryan-Night Watchtower Guard
The muscles in my body tensed up as Gaius looked up to Arthur, and I slowly tiptoed
back several meters before turning and running. I didn't look at anyone, just kept running. An
hour later, I found myself deep in the forest with no more adrenaline to go off of. I sunk to my
knees and rested against a tree. I felt the bottle I'd swiped from Gaius heavily weigh down in
my pocket.
It wasn't poison, just the purple sleeping draught Gaius had given me the night before.
However, if I took enough of it, I'd go to sleep and I wouldn't wake up. It'd be a peaceful death.
The thought was beautiful. Everyone knew now, they knew what I'd tried to do. Going back
now would be living hell.
I downed the bottle and found myself in a deep blackness of induced sleep.