A/N: Here is more House Rules!
House Rules
Technology is the Devil!
129. No one is allowed to sell their own, or anyone else's brain, heart, conscience, or bodily fluids on Ebay.
134. If Donatello ever finds the schematics for an atomic bomb on the website Wikipedia, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop him.
150. No one is allowed to dress any of their siblings in drag and post the pictures on the Internet. Especially not to online dating sites.
Master Splinter never understood the fads or mindset of his sons' generation and he was happy in that fact. He left them to their own devices, to find their own strengths and weaknesses, while encouraging their more ideal activities. He had always encouraged Leonardo's love of learning, splitting books between the eldest and his younger brothers; he encouraged Raphael's love of mechanics, often hinting that his immediate younger brother needed help on something; he always encouraged Michelangelo's various creative talents; and though he never understood them, encouraged Donatello's scientific and technological aspirations.
As he began to reach into the one hundred and thirty five mark, Splinter realized there were things on the list that could only be a part of the digital world that he didn't truly understand. He had learned earlier in the week that Donatello had actually found blueprints for an atomic bomb and if it wasn't for Leonardo's quickness, the two middle turtles would have gone ahead and made it.
And then there was the auction site. He had only heard about this place called 'Ebay' when Casey mentioned he had been outbid on Leonardo's…bodily fluids. And only two days after that, the vigilante had triumphantly stormed through the Lair's entrance, proclaiming that "Raphie, you belong to me! I own your soul!"
Did he not just give a very detailed and stern talk about owning their brothers' souls and how souls not only can not be owned, but could not be eaten? Did his sons have that short of an attention span?
Luckily, April had been nice enough to explain what this 'Ebay' was and he was so grateful to her for making sure that anything on this auction site was removed if it didn't have anything to do with an actual item. This process actually took longer than Splinter could ever imagine. Not only was Leonardo's male essence up for sale, but so was Raphael's soul, Michelangelo's heart, and Donatello's brain. Heaven's above, what exactly was the point of him instilling the concept of secrecy and learning the ways of the shadows if the boys were going to sell each other to the highest bidder on the internet?
Oh, there was a very long discussion regarding this and other things one is no longer allowed to do on Donatello's computer. He had already had a discussion with Donatello in regards to certain 'materials' he kept or gave to his brothers; and Splinter didn't truly mind that. He did, however, mind about circulating pictures of Michelangelo, dressed in women's clothing, on various online dating websites.
"My sons," he had stated. "I do not care how much fun you had in doing this, nor do I care or want to know where you got the dresses. This will not happen again. And once we are finished here, Michelangelo, you will politely decline your invitations for outings with these people."
"But Sensei," the orange clad turtle whined. "I've got this hot date set up with this art designer from the Bronx and he invited me to his gallery! And he's kinda dreamy!"
"He did have a rather attractive appearance," Donatello replied.
"He looked nice," Raphael agreed. "But you know what they say about those 'nice guys'."
"How would you know, Raph?" Leonardo sneered. "Why don't you tell us about these 'nice guys' you seemed to know?"
"Don't try to mask your life style onto someone else, bro," the turtle in red countered. "I only deal strictly in 'nice girls' and those 'nice girls' have a wild side like tigers. I guess in your case, Leo, your 'gentlemen callers' would be bears, right?"
"Boys!"
The rat master could never understand how simple conversations quickly decended into lewd comments and speculation. As a father, Splinter never questioned his sons 'manliness' nor did he ever question their sexual orientation. They were young men, in human terms, and he realized that they would probably talk about intercourse and attraction more than he would like, but that it would happen. He was just a bit surprised at how much it happened.
How many times did he need to remind his sons that their weapons were not compensating for something? That the size of the weapon had nothing to do with the size of their sexual organs? And really…a father should not have to tell his sons that they should not and will not substitute for anyone in the pornography industry. And that, for his continued health and sanity, that none of his children are to be members of the pornography industry, regards of whatever skills they thought to be useful.
Sometimes, he worried about his sons. On average, he always worried – he was a father after all and his sons were warriors and battled forces that wished to rid the world of its people or of them; but there were times, such as this, that he worried for his sons' mental health.