A Match made in Hell

by Ri2

The Keybearers have been forcefully invited to the event of the year: Maleficent's wedding. Yes, you heard me. And you'll NEVER believe who the groom is... Pt. 3 of the epilogue is up. All done. Let's celebrate

11. Flushed Away

We interrupt the expected really awesome series of giant monster fights for this important intermission. Figured it was about time we checked in on the Destiny Islands gang, so that's what we're gonna do. We'll get back to Sora's fight next chapter.

Or will we?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this chapter. The Toilenator, on the other hand…and the Devil owns himself. 'Nuff said.

…

When last we left the Gullwings and their guardians, they were locked in combat with Leblanc's giant mechanical toilet, transformed magically from Ormi's personal toilet named 'Betsy.' The group had been fighting for a few minutes now, but so far, their attacks didn't seem to be doing much damage to the giant mecha.

"This is ridiculous! Not even Auron's sword can make a scratch on that thing!" Tidus said in frustration.

"This is rather humiliating…" muttered Auron. "I can't break a toilet…how shameful."

"What's that thing made of, ya?" wondered Wakka as his thrown Blitzball rebounded off the Toilenator's hull.

"Yuna, I don't suppose you have a spell to fry this thing?" Paine asked.

Yuna shook her head as she reloaded her guns. "Sorry, I'm still pretty drained from that big combo move we did on Yiazmat. If it weren't for that, we could probably smash this thing with our dresspheres…but at the moment, we still haven't recovered enough to use them. The strain on our bodies could be very hazardous."

"Aw man, this sucks!" whined Rikku, looking at how chipped her daggers were from their inability to cut into the Toilenator's body.

"Ormi, what is this thing made of?" Logos asked his fat friend.

Ormi smirked. "Triple-reinforced titanium, with an orichalcum finish!"

"…Why on Fairyworld would you need a toilet made of triple-reinforced titanium with an orichalcum finish?!"

"Well…" Ormi blushed. "Let's just say that I needed something strong enough to support me. Sometimes, when I need to go, I get really-"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Logos screamed, clutching his ears.

"Okay, you twerps, get ready for the PAIN!" Leblanc shrieked madly, powering up her giant robot toilet. "You've had your shot, now it's our turn!" She cackled as the Toilenator's lid flipped open and it began firing flaming rolls of toilet paper at the heroes.

"This is REALLY messed-up, ya!" Wakka cried as they danced about to avoid the fiery projectiles. "What's next, flaming bags of poo?!"

"Don't give it any ideas," Paine snapped.

"Never in all my years have I fought an opponent like this," Auron said. "And I'm rather glad of that, honestly…"

"C'mon, brudda, don't get flushed by that thing!" Chappu yelled to his brother from the sidelines.

"You could help us out, you know!" Wakka yelled at him.

"What are you, crazy, mon? That's a giant toilet!" Chappu replied.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Selphie screamed, running around in circles.

"No," Yuna said firmly, taking careful aim with one of her pistols. "We're not!" She fired, the bullet flying true through the air and precisely piercing the Toilenator's single eye. It bellowed in pain and thrashed about, water splashing out of its mouth as it clutched its damaged eyeball.

"Nice shot, Yunie!" Rikku complimented her cousin.

"RRRGGGHHH…DIE, YOU LITTLE RODENTS!" Leblanc screamed from the cockpit. The Toiletron recovered and flailed its arms out, several bolts of red lightning shooting out from its left hand and zapping the good guys.

"Aaaaggghhh!" Tidus cried, thrown back to the sand by the electric blast. "Ow…"

"What the hell…is a toilet…doing with a lightning attack, anyway?!" growled Paine.

"Wahahahaha! Take some more, if you like it so much!" Leblanc cackled, firing more red lightning.

"Oh shit," Rikku groaned.

Fortunately, Auron was on top of things. He drove his sword into the ground and hopped out of the way as the lightning bolts converged on his blade and sank into the sand, grounded by the sword's 'lightning rod' effect. "Hey, nice going!" Tidus complimented the dead man. "Where'd you learn how to do that?"

"When you pass through the Lightning Plains enough times, you learn a thing or two about how to divert electricity," Auron said with a casual shrug.

"Lightning Plains?" asked a confused Yuna, who thought that sounded just the slightest bit familiar. "What're those?"

"A barren plain where lightning strikes constantly and the sun never shines," Auron explained. "I'm not sure what causes such an odd atmospheric effect; just that it's been like that for over a thousand years. Or was the last time I was there. Before I…got lost and wound up in this universe, some people had erected towers to divert the lightning strikes from travelers so that people could cross the Plains in relative safety. I say 'relative', because hostile monsters still roamed about the place…"

"So you learned about grounding electricity from those lightning rods?" Paine asked.

"No, I learned that from watching one of my companions constantly get hit by lightning because he was taller than everyone else, had a horn, and was carrying a big spear everywhere," Auron explained.

"What does being tall and carrying a spear have to do with anything?" asked a confused Tidus.

"Lightning tends to hit the tallest object in a flat area, and the lightning towers weren't operational back then, so…" Auron trailed off.

"Ah."

"Well, good thing we're so small then!" Rikku said.

"Ah, Rikku? We fly," Paine pointed out. "So we'd actually be more vulnerable to lightning than most people."

Rikku blinked. "Oh."

"Hey! HEY! WHAT DO YOU ASSHOLES THINK YOU'RE DOING?! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST STAND THERE TALKING AND IGNORE ME?! DIE!" Leblanc screamed, launching more flaming toilet paper rolls at the group.

"Hey, I just thought of something," said a surprised Ormi.

"Oh? What is it?" asked Logos skeptically; not really believing his oafish partner could get any thoughts of his own.

"Where'd that lady go? You know, the one who blew up our ship and left us stranded here?" Ormi asked.

"Oh, I'm right here," Darlene Hikari said from behind Ormi.

"Oh, good," said Ormi. There was a pause. His eyes widened, as did everyone else's. "Oh shit."

"HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!" Leblanc screamed, whirling around in her seat. Logos quickly jumped behind his chair and pointed a gun at the human woman. Darlene reacted to this by lunging forward and wrapping her arms around the front of the seat, pinning Ormi in place while holding a bowie knife to his throat.

"Oh, I climbed up the back and snuck in while everyone else kept you distracted," Darlene explained cheerfully. "Now, either shut this thing down and surrender or I'll rip off your friend's wings."

"You wouldn't!" hissed a horrified Logos.

"Oh, I would. Wouldn't I?" She pressed the knife point into Ormi's sweaty flesh.

"AAAAHHH! SHE WOULD, SHE WOULD! SHE AIN'T BLUFFING! DO WHAT SHE SAYS!" Ormi wailed, wetting himself in terror.

"I can shoot you," Logos said warningly.

"Not without shooting him too," Darlene pointed out, ducking her head behind Ormi's chair and out of the fairy's line of fire. "And you can't hit me with anything else you have without hitting him too. Surrender or I tear his wings off."

"DO IT, GUYS! I DON'T WANNA LOSE MY WINGS! THEN I'D HAVE TO WALK EVERYWHERE!" Ormi howled.

Logos hesitated, and then glanced at Leblanc. "Boss? What should we do?"

Leblanc glared hatefully at Darlene for a moment…but then her face twisted into a gruesomely evil expression of amusement. "'We,' Logos? 'We' do nothing…"

"BOSS!" screamed Ormi.

"What I'm going to do," Leblanc said, pressing a button on her control panel. "Is activate Ormi's ejection seat."

"What?" said a startled Darlene.

"BOSS, NO!" screamed Ormi as the chair he was sitting on started to rumble. Before Darlene could let go or Ormi could get off, a giant spring in the floor uncoiled violently, launching the seat into the air, out a hatch in the ceiling, and onto the sand outside.

Leblanc cackled gleefully. "Bye-bye, you horrible human filth!"

"Boss! Ormi was still on that!" Logos said in alarm.

"Oh, he'll be fine," Leblanc said carelessly. "Now, let's SQUASH SOME STINKING APES! And fairies, too."

The group outside quickly ran over to the broken seat lying on the beach nearby. Ormi was buried upside-down in the sand, his feet wiggling in the air, and Darlene was sitting nearby, a bit dazed and trying to get her bearings. "Ms. Hikari! Are you all right?" asked a concerned Wakka.

"Oh, I'll be fine," Darlene reassured them, wobbling a little as she used the broken ejection seat to lever herself up and back onto her feet. "Just…give me a sec…"

"I don't think we have a second. Move!" Auron said, grabbing Darlene and pulling her out of the way as the Toilenator launched a volley of flaming toilet paper rolls right at them.

"This is really gross," Tidus commented, deflecting a roll with his sword. Yuna blasted others to pieces with her guns, while Paine simply sliced any that got near her to pieces.

"Well, at least it's just paper they're throwing at us," commented Rikku, who had been hiding behind Tidus since she didn't really want to get near the flaming rolls. "Instead of all the hundred other nasty things you could probably find in there!"

"Are you all right?" Auron asked Darlene once they had gotten out of range of the toilet paper rolls, noticing that she was hunched over.

"Hmm? Oh, I'm fine," she said, straightening up and showing him a handhold controller she had taken out of one of the compartments on her outfit. "I was just getting my detonator."

Auron blinked. "Detonator?"

Darlene nodded. "Yes, the one that will cause the charges I planted on the exterior of the Toilenator while I was climbing it to go off. I put one in the cockpit, too. With any luck, the explosions should be enough to finish this thing off."

"Ah," said Auron as Darlene keyed in a command sequence on her device then activated the trigger signal which would activate the bombs. The Toilenator shook as the small limpet mines Darlene had planted on its ankles, knees, shoulders, and back exploded simultaneously, rocking the giant robot and throwing up huge clouds of dust and smoke. Surprisingly, the ejector seat Darlene and Ormi had been booted out of the robot in exploded as well, startling everyone and blasting Ormi out of the sand and into the air, sending him in a wailing arc right into the midst of the smoke cloud engulfing the Toilenator.

"Whoops," Darlene said sheepishly. "I thought I put the bomb on the other seat. My bad."

"Well, that was still pretty cool," said Paine loyally.

"Do you think that finished it off?" asked Tidus.

"No," said Darlene honestly.

She was right. The smoke faded, revealing that the Toilenator was still standing. It was, however, visibly damaged by Darlene's bombs. There were some new cracks and dents in its surface, which was already charred and pitted from reentry. Its joints were creaking and smoke and water was leaking from a number of fissures in the robot's hull. It also seemed to be favoring its left leg, since its right had taken more damage from the explosion and its knee now looked half-broken. Its left arm was badly damaged as well, and looked as if it might fall off if a little more damage was applied to it. Ormi, who had been plastered onto the face of the Toilenator when his seat had exploded, peeled himself off the giant toilet's front and managed to drag himself back into the mecha's cockpit.

"Well, at least you damaged it," Yuna said to Darlene.

"Yeah, and much faster than we were able to visibly hurt Yiazmat, too," Rikku pointed out. "With much less effort!"

"Then this means we can beat that thing, ya?" Wakka asked hopefully.

Auron nodded. "Possibly, yes."

"Then let's go finish that thing!" said Tidus, his confidence restored by seeing the giant robot in such a badly wounded state.

"Grrr…YOU LITTLE BRATS! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" Leblanc screamed from inside the Toilenator's cockpit, which was quite a bit damper and mustier-smelling than it had been before. Many of the pipes lining the walls and ceiling had either burst or were leaking, and funny-looking water was flooding parts of the room. Ignoring Ormi, who had just managed to crawl back into the room before collapsing and causing Logos to rush over to help him, her fingers danced at the mecha's controls, readying its next attack. Outside, with much creaking and groaning, the Toilenator raised its plunger staff and held it in both hands like a gun, pointing its rubber suction cup end at the group of heroes. After making a gesture which looked and sounded all too much like cocking an actual firearm, the Toilenator started firing dozens of smaller plungers from the end of its big plunger, sending a flurry of rapid-fire toilet-unclogging utensils flying towards the good guys.

"Oh, come on!" Wakka yelled as they started dancing and running about to avoid getting hit by the plungers. "This is even more ridiculous than the flaming toilet paper!"

"There are still worse things to have thrown at you!" Rikku pointed out, zipping erratically through the air to evade the plunger projectiles.

"Don't name them; you'll just give Leblanc ideas!" Paine cried, trying to slice a plunger flying towards her in two with her sword, only for it to get caught on the flat of her blade, affixed by the suction cup on its tip. She grimaced in annoyance and struggled to pull it off.

"Mmmph mmphmmph mmmphmmphmmmpppphhh!" Selphie shrieked unintelligibly, her voice muffled due to the plunger covering her face. Completely blind, she stumbled around in circles, bumping into things and tripping over her own feet.

"Where is that thing keeping all of its ammunition?" Darlene wondered as she casually dodged the plungers, only taking a step to the side or back, a quick duck down or hop upward, to evade the missiles. "I don't see any clips, and that staff can't possibly hold all of these rounds. Are they being fed into the launcher through the hands?"

"I don't think it's really the time to worry about such things," Auron said, deflecting a several plungers with his blade…and frowning when he saw that a number of them had gotten stuck on the flat of his sword, much like Paine's. "Let's just say that it is and leave it at that."

"Dang, there sure are a lot of these," Tidus said, shuffling back and forth across the sand to avoid the plungers…until, to his alarm, he tripped over one standing upright on the beach and started to topple over. "Whooaaa!" To his horror, as he fell, a plunger hurtled right towards him. Everything seemed to slow down as the suction cup-tipped projectile shot closer and closer to his tumbling form.

Yuna gasped as she saw this happening, also in slow motion. "Tidus, nooooooo!"

Eyes wide, Tidus could do nothing but watch in horror as the plunger struck him in the chest. His mouth gaped open, an exaggerated cry of pain ushering from his lips due to the time-expanding special effects. The force of the plunger's impact knocked him backwards in slow motion, causing him to hit the sand, bounce, and hit the sand again, throwing up a billowing cloud of dirt in the process.

Time resumed normal speed, the others gasping in horror as they saw Tidus lying prone in the sand, a plunger sticking straight up from his chest like some kind of sick flagpole. "TIDUS!" Wakka and Auron cried.

Darlene blinked. "Oh dear."

Leblanc cackled gleefully in the Toilenator's cockpit as she saw this. "Mwahahahaha! Yes! One of them is finally deaddeaddeaddead! Now I just have to kill the others!"

"Ormi, how many fingers am I holding up?" Logos asked the very dazed Ormi, still lying on the ground.

Ormi blinked dully and tried to focus on the many swirling after-images of his partner spinning before him. "Uhhhh…mommy, I don't wanna go on the pony…" His eyes crossed and he passed out again.

Everyone quickly gathered around the still body of Tidus, looking down at him in disbelief and despair. Wakka promptly burst into tears and had to be consoled by Chappu. Auron shook his head in disgust and looked away, a very bitter taste in his mouth. Paine and Rikku circled over Tidus' form in dismay. Yuna knelt in the sand next to his body, looking distraught. Darlene blinked and tilted her head, seeming more puzzled than sad. Selphie continued wandering around blindly due to the plunger on her face and ran into a tree.

"No…" wailed Wakka. "He was my best friend…my best…my best…" Unable to continue, he buried his face in his brother's shoulder and sobbed heavily.

"Tidus…" Auron whispered, shoulders sagging in despair. What was he going to tell Jecht? How could he break it to his old friend that his son had died on his watch?

"Um…y-you guys don't suppose you could…" Chappu started.

Paine shook her head. "Bring him back from the dead? We're not that kind of fairy…unfortunately…"

"What about one of those healing spells you used before?" Chappu pressed.

"Those are Yuna's specialty," Rikku said. "And right now our magic's still too exhausted from that big combo we did on Yiazmat to be of any use. At the moment, any spell we cast might do more harm than help. We may still have a healing item or two, though…" She started rummaging through her pockets to check.

"Oh, Tidus," Yuna whispered, tears running down her face. "To be taken away from us so soon, still in the bloom of your youth…I…I never even got to tell you how I felt…" She started to sob.

"Uh, Yuna, I'm all right," Tidus said, sitting up and causing everyone (except Darlene, who had suspected he was fine all along) to jump in astonishment.

"Tidus!" Wakka cried in relief, breaking free from Chappu and hugging his startled friend in joy. "You're okay, brudda!"

"Thank goodness…" said Auron, sighing gratefully.

"Waaahhh! Zombie!" screamed Rikku, hiding behind Paine, who rolled her eyes.

"Y-you're alive?!" Yuna gasped.

Tidus blinked. "Well, yeah, of course I am. I mean, it's just a plunger. Nothing life-threatening or anything." He grabbed the plunger in question by the handle, grunted, and managed to wrench it off his chest with a pop, leaving an impression on his shirt. "See?"

"Heh. Guess we were all teared up about nothing, huh?" Wakka said, letting go of Tidus and rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, in any event, it's good to see you're not dead."

"Yeah, same here," Yuna said in agreement.

"Yuna, what were you saying about telling Tidus how you felt?" asked Auron, causing the fairy to flush crimson and make the other two Gullwings snicker in amusement.

"Whaaaat?! He's alive?! No fair!" Leblanc screamed in rage.

"I'm alive too, boss," Ormi said weakly.

"Shut up, Ormi! Nobody cares!" She snapped at him. "All right, this has gone on long enough! Time to take it up a notch with Turbo Toilet Power!"

The Toilenator struck a stupid pose, then flipped open its lid and bent down so its toothy U-bend maw was facing the group, then reached up with one hand and pushed down on the lever its eye was growing from, causing the basin which made up its mouth to make a flushing noise, all the water inside it getting sucked down the drain. However, that wasn't all that was being sucked up. The flush was so powerful that it created a vacuum effect that began sucking up everything in the area, causing sand and rocks to be funneled into the basin and buffeting the group with winds pushing them towards the Toilenator's open mouth.

"Oh great, now we're going to get flushed down the toilet!" Wakka yelled over the roar of the vacuum, trying to stand and run from the vacuum effect, only to find himself being dragged backwards. "This potty humor's really getting out of hand, ya!"

"Well, at least we won't wind up in the sewers," Chappu pointed out. "That's something."

"No, we'll just wind up in some airless holding tank where we'll probably be crushed and suffocated under all the sand and dirt they're also sucking in," Auron said, driving his sword deep into the ground and using it as an anchor to keep from being sucked any closer to the Toilenator's mouth. "Everyone, grab on!"

They did just that. Darlene grabbed onto Auron's waist, and Chappu clung onto hers, followed by Wakka and Tidus. The fairies were hanging onto Tidus's clothes for dear life, since their tiny frames were much more susceptible to the Toilenator's vacuum than the much-larger humans. Selphie was out of range and still wandering around blindly, so she was in no danger. By clinging onto each other, and onto Auron's half-buried sword, they were able to hold their ground and keep from being sucked into the Toilenator's maw.

Leblanc was, understandably, not pleased with this. "Stupid little…why won't you just die already?!" she screamed, turning up the power.

This caused the force of the suction to increase, pulling everyone off their feet and causing them to dangle out in a long shaky chain waving towards the Toilenator's mouth, nearly making them lose their grip on each other in the process. "Waaaaahhhh!" Rikku shrieked. "Selphie was right, we are all gonna die!"

"The day Selphie's right about anything is the day Hell freezes over!" Tidus asserted stubbornly. "And I doubt that's happened yet!"

"Don't be so sure," Paine pointed out. "None of us has been there lately…"

"Oh crap, I don't wanna die like this!" Wakka wailed. "Flushed down a toilet! It's like my worst nightmares all over again!"

"Your worst nightmare is to be flushed down a toilet?" asked a surprised Tidus.

There was a pause. "Ah…pretend I didn't say that…" Wakka said after a moment.

"Darn, if only the kids didn't need to hang onto me," Darlene said in frustration. "Then I could let go and hurl an explosive into that thing while I was getting sucked in. But with this level of suction and our present situation, if I free even one hand to get out a bomb I could get all of us killed."

"What if we climbed over you to hang onto Auron? Would that help?" Yuna asked.

Darlene shook her head. "No, that would probably cause me to lose my grip or loosen Auron's hold on his sword and cause us all to get flushed away. Don't worry, I'll think of something."

"Ah, Darlene?" Auron said anxiously. "I think we're slipping. That is to say, my grip is firm as a rock…but my sword, seeing as how the ground it's buried in is nothing more than loosely packed sand, is no-" Before he could finish his sentence, his sword, the ground around it eroded away due to the vacuum, slipped free from the sand, causing the group to lose their anchorage and send the lot of them tumbling, screaming, towards the Toilenator's waiting U-bend.

But, just then…a missile rocketed across the beach and blasted the Toilenator in its side, knocking it over, nearly taking off the robot's left arm, and cutting off the suction force, dropping the heroes back onto the ground. "Whaaaat?! Who dares attack me?!" Leblanc cried shrilly.

Dazed, the group got back to their feet. "Whoa…what the heck was that, ya?" Wakka asked.

"Where'd that missile come from?" wondered Paine.

"Whoever fired it, it was just in time," said a relieved Yuna.

"I just hope it's not someone else trying to kill us," Rikku said anxiously.

"I don't think so," Auron said, brushing sand off his coat and slinging his sword over his shoulder.

"Why do you say that?" asked Tidus.

Darlene smiled and pointed out to sea. "Because," she said. "The cavalry's arrived."

They looked where she was pointing and saw, much to their amazement, a small military boat some distance offshore, its missile launcher reloading a rocket to replace the one it had just fired at the Toilenator as uniformed men and women ran across its deck. A large red flag with a small overhead map of the Destiny Islands encircled by a sun-spoked ring sewn onto it along with the symbol of a blue and green planet with a sword and gun crossed over it fluttered from atop the ship's radio tower. A loud humming could be heard as hovercrafts with large fans on their rears streaked towards them from further up and down the coast, their rubbery bottoms allowing them to cross through shallow water and onto dry land with ease. This humming was droned out by the loud mechanical whirring of a helicopter flying towards them from over the jungle, its sides and wings laden with weaponry. It had the same emblems from the ship's flag painted on its fuselage. As the helicopter and hovercrafts came closer, half a dozen jeeps roared out of the jungle and crashed onto the beach, their tires kicking up sand as they drove up and screeched to a halt in a half-circle formation before the Toilenator, the hovercrafts sloshing out of the water to complete the other half. A number of soldiers, men and women ranging from their late teens to at least their fifties clad in a broad variety of combat outfits (ranging from uniform fatigues to armor made of wood, leather, and even some metal, although a few seemed to favor going almost completely nude for some odd reason) disgorged from the vehicles. They drew their weapons, which ranged from primitive tools like swords, spears, and crossbows, to modern rifles, machine guns, and rocket launchers, all of which were then aimed at the rather surprised Toilenator. Many of them were covered in the war tattoos their ancestors had worn to battle centuries ago, and all of them had a red band around their left arm with the emblem of a blue and green planet with a sword and gun crossed over it, just like the one on the helicopter and boat. They all wore this mark to show that they were part of the same group, a highly-trained civilian militia whose membership spanned the entire globe.

"Wh-what the heck?! These backwater monkeys have a fucking army on their side?! Why didn't anyone tell me this?!" Leblanc shrieked.

"Don't worry, boss," Ormi wheezed. "They can't possibly destroy Ol' Betsy!"

"Who are they?" asked an astonished Yuna, amazed at how quickly these soldiers had appeared to surround the giant robot toilet.

"It's the Crusaders, ya!" Wakka said ecstatically. "Awesome! Now we got nothing to worry about!"

"I thought they were out on a mission," said the amazed Tidus.

"Oh, they were," Darlene said. "But I called them when I found Leblanc's ship and told them they needed to get here as quickly as possible to head off an alien invasion. I wonder what took them so long, though…"

"Auron, if the Crusaders are here, then that means…" Tidus started.

Auron nodded. "Right, Jecht's here as well." Tidus fidgeted, not sure how he was going to explain what he was doing there to his father. Auron turned to the Gullwings. "Yuna, Rikku, Paine, I suggest you assume those human disguises from before again. The Crusaders are (understandably) a bit paranoid when it comes to extraterrestrial visitors, so you should probably let them think you're just tourists from the mainland for the time being."

"Good idea," said Paine.

"Yuna, we may still be pretty tapped out, but I think we have enough magic to do at least that, right?" Rikku asked her cousin.

"I believe so," Yuna said. She concentrated for a moment and wiggled her nose. There were three puffs of smoke, one red, one blue, and one yellow, and abruptly the tiny pixies became larger, human-sized versions of themselves, sans the wings or any other noticeably magical features.

They did this just in time too, for it was only a moment later that another jeep drove over to them with an escort of soldiers riding on armored Chocobos, members of the Crusaders' Chocobo Knight division. As the vehicle skidded to a halt, spraying sand in their faces, a man leaped out of the car, shouting orders into a walkie-talkie and keeping his eyes focused on the Toilenator, which had yet to attack the humans surrounding it. "-Keep that thing contained, circle formation, blast that motherfucker to pieces if it so much as makes a suspicious move! S.S. Enterprise, hold your fire for the time being, it doesn't look like your last shot did much damage, and we don't want to hit any of our own troopers with ricochet. Ground team, start setting up net launchers, provide cover fire so nobody gets smashed by that thing!" The soldiers began following his orders, half of them spreading out and kneeling to the ground, laying out machine parts with which they swiftly began constructing several strange-looking weapons while the other half started opening fire on the Toilenator with whatever projectile weapons they had, zigzagging all over the place to confuse the giant robot and keep its attention off the teams building the net launchers. The Toilenator (and Leblanc) bellowed in fury and started trying to stomp the puny humans or blast them with lightning and plungers, but the Crusaders were good at what they did and managed to keep the giant robot pinned in roughly the same place, constantly turning around and around while being forced to keep shifting focus to try and keep on eye on as many of the nuisances attacking it as possible. It wasn't easy, and Leblanc got more and more frustrated…as well as somewhat dizzy.

Confident in his troops' ability to keep the Toilenator distracted, the man placed his communicator in a compartment on his belt and turned to the startled group. "Okay, I don't know what you civilians are doing here, but this is a hazardous zone, you need to…" He paused, blinking as he realized who the 'civilians' were. "Auron? Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari? Tidus?!"

"Hello Jecht," said Auron cordially.

"Hi Dad," Tidus said weakly. "Uh, looking good." He did, at that. Jecht was a big man with tanned skin covered with scars and thick muscle tissue. He wore a Kevlar vest with a few grenades hanging from it over a bare chest with a large anchor-shaped tattoo painted on his abs. Plate-armor sleeves and gloves covered his arms. He wore camouflage-patterned shorts and thick combat boots on his legs. A large broadsword with an unusual flared tip was slung over his back. His messy black hair was held back by a red headband wrapped around his forehead to keep it out of his dark eyes and lined face.

"Commander Jecht, about time you got here," Darlene said sternly. "The invaders almost got away while we were waiting for you! If I hadn't managed to infiltrate and destroy their ship personally, they might have escaped with some of our island's most precious treasures!"

"Er, uh, sorry Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari," the startled Jecht said, stiffening and saluting. The Chocobo Knights dismounted and did the same thing. While Darlene was not an official Crusader, that didn't mean they saw her as just another civilian. Most of them would never have made it through the combat they had seen without her strict training and obstacle courses, and the freshly-baked meals she occasionally brought down to the Crusader chapter house were to die for. "We got a little held up on our way here, the Lord Ochu monster had some friends that weren't happy about its demise and we couldn't spare anyone to get out here until all of them were completely destroyed. But we're here now, and this thing's as good as dead! But…" He frowned and glared at Tidus and the other kids, who flinched at his steely gaze. "Can somebody tell me what the hell my son and his friends are doing here?! And who the heck are those three?!" That last comment was directed at the temporarily-human Gullwings.

"Um, we're tourists," Yuna said quickly. "From the mainland."

"I'm Rikku, and she's Yuna, and that's Paine," Rikku added, indicating her cousin and other teammate.

"Tidus was showing us a good time around the island, since it's our first time here," Paine explained.

"Ah," said Jecht. "And…may I ask what exactly a buncha tourists are doing in a combat zone?!"

"Umm…" They didn't exactly have an answer for that. Yuna glanced at Tidus and Wakka, who shrugged, not sure what to say. Fortunately, Auron stepped in for them.

"Chappu was abducted and brainwashed by the invaders to help them infiltrate Ohalland's tomb and steal his Crystal Cup and golden Blitzball," the dead man said, which was not far from the truth. Much.

Jecht and the Knights gasped in horror. "Not Lord Ohalland's tomb!" cried one of them.

"Not the First Cup and sacred Blitzball!" cried another.

"Wait, I wasn't brain-" started Chappu. Wakka stepped on his foot. "Ow! Er, I mean, oh yeah, they did. Everything's a blur…"

"Those bastards!" Jecht hissed. "Tell me you stopped them!"

"With everybody's help, yes," Auron continued. "Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari overheard their plans and informed me of them, then struck out to locate the invaders' ship while I went after the aliens to save Chappu and stop their plans. Tidus and his friends came after me, since they wanted to save their friend as well as the treasure, and by the time they caught up with me it was too late to send them back. Together we managed to find the invaders, but we were too late; not only had they managed to take the treasures from Ohalland's crypt, they also foolishly unleashed the legendary tomb guardian, Yiazmat."

There were more gasps at this. "Not the Undying One!" cried one of the knights.

"You fought Yiazmat and lived?!" asked an incredulous Jecht.

"It wasn't easy, let me tell you," Paine grumbled.

"Yeah, he was a real bitch to fight…" Wakka murmured. "I think I even got turned to stone at one point or something. Not pleasant!"

"But we lived, Dad," Tidus said. "And I helped fight him!"

Jecht opened his mouth to say something, paused when he noticed Tidus' new sword, Auron's facial expression, and the look in his son's eyes, then thought better of it. "I…see you did, son. I'm not exactly…happy you got yourself into a situation like that, but you fought the mightiest monster in history and…well, you lived." There was a pause. "So…you know…nice going," he said after a moment. The words didn't come easily; he wasn't good at this sort of thing.

Tidus blinked. That had not been what he expected his father to say. "…Thanks, Dad."

"Yiazmat spared us because it realized the aliens were making off with its treasure, so we had no choice but to chase after them and get it back before Yiazmat could cause too much damage to the island in its pursuit of the thieves," Auron continued. "We managed to locate the aliens' ship, but they blasted off just as we got there."

"Fortunately, I had gotten there first and snuck on board, after reporting its location," Darlene said. "And I was able to blow up the vessel and make it back to the island using an escape pod, reclaiming the stolen treasures in the process."

"Oh," said Jecht. "Nice work, soldier! But…" He glanced at the Toilenator. "I take it that didn't finish them off."

"They're very resilient aliens," Yuna said truthfully.

"Where are they from, anyway?" Jecht asked.

"Uranus," Wakka joked, remembering Selphie's idiot fear and causing his friends and the Chocobo Knights to snicker.

It took Jecht a few moments to get the joke, and when he did he scowled. "Damn aliens and their puns…and toilet humor! Guess that gets rid of the idea that they're more highly evolved than we are, using stupid plays on words like that. What happened to Yiazmat?"

"It showed up right after I landed in the escape pod, and I managed to give back the treasure and convince it to go back to its tomb," Darlene explained.

"How'd you manage to do that?!" Jecht asked incredulously.

"I scolded it," Darlene said. "It was being a very naughty monster."

There was a long silence. "And…it let you live?" Jecht asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes," said Darlene.

"It was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen in my life," said Paine. "And I've seen a lot of incredible things. Er, as a professional tourist that is."

"Yeah, she just talked down to Yiazmat like he was a dog that had made a mess on the floor!" Chappu said enthusiastically. "It was awesome!"

"And she smacked Yiazmat, and it just whimpered and took it!" Tidus added, gushing in awe.

Jecht shook his head in amazement. "If I heard about anyone else doing it, I never would have believed it. But Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari? Yeah, that sounds just like the kind of thing she'd do."

Darlene smiled sweetly. "Thank you, Commander."

"It was something to see," admitted Auron. "And when she was done scolding it, it just took the treasure and left, tail between its legs."

"Huh," said one of the Chocobo Knights. "Guess that explains that big trail of destroyed greenery we found on our way here. Lucky we encountered it after the monster left, or we might have run into trouble."

One of the other Knights frowned. "Wait, didn't we send a couple scouts down the trail to find out what had made it?"

There was a pause. "Oh shit," said Jecht, whipping out his walkie-talkie and barking orders into it. "All scouts, return to base immediately! All scouts return to base immediately! If you see a giant invincible-looking dragon monster, do not engage, I repeat, do not engage. That's an order! Over."

"Roger that. Heading back, over," a muffled voice replied from the other end of the communicator.

Jecht put the device back in his belt. "Phew, that was close. Woulda called them back here, but I didn't think they'd possibly make it before we trashed this thing. So, you sent Yiazmat running, and then the aliens landed, somehow having survived Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari's fine infiltration work?"

"That's the short of it," Auron agreed.

"Well, I guess we Crusaders all owe you a big thanks for holding these guys here as long as you did," Jecht said with a nod at the group. "Otherwise we might not have gotten here in time to intercept it and keep it from killing you and then going on to destroy the island! However, I think it's best you stay out of this from now on, leave the rest of the fighting to the professionals!"

"Hey, we're plenty professional-" Rikku started until Paine stomped on her foot and Yuna clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Professional tourists," Yuna finished her cousin's sentence, laughing nervously. "Who certainly wouldn't have much experience battling aliens or giant robots or anything like that, right?" Rikku nodded quickly, and her friends let go of her.

"Clasko, Elma, I want you to stay here and keep the civilians out of danger. Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari and my old pal Auron will help you out," Jecht told two of the knights.

"Sir, yes, sir!" They said, saluting him and kicking their Chocobos into motion, having them trot over to the group.

"Commander Lucil, you're with me," Jecht told the remaining knight. "Let's go teach that alien motherfucker not to mess with our planet! Oh, and Tidus?"

"Yeah Dad?" Tidus asked tentatively.

"When we get home, we're going to need to have a long talk about you blindly rushing into danger and dragging your friends and a buncha tourists with you. That's a very irresponsible thing to do, and certainly not what I'd expect from any son of mine!" Jecht scolded him.

Tidus grimaced. "But Da-ad! Auron was there to keep us safe!"

"I thought you went after him, and thus did not have protection from him at the start," Jecht pointed out.

"Er," Tidus said. Actually, Auron had come after them, but if he mentioned that it would ruin the fabrications Auron and Darlene had told his father. "Sorry. I guess that was kinda irresponsible of me."

"You bet it was! I'll think of a suitable punishment for you later. Oh, and don't think you're getting off easy either," Jecht said to a startled Wakka. "You should have known better than to just follow my son blindly into peril and endanger the lives of a bunch of tourists."

"But Mr. Tidus' Really Cool Blitzball Star Dad, I had to go!" Wakka protested. "They were trying to break into Lord Ohalland's tomb and steal his stuff, I couldn't let a buncha stinkin' aliens get away with that! Oh, and I had to rescue my brother too."

Chappu rolled his eyes. "Glad to see you know where your priorities are, brudda…hey, can we get an autograph?"

"Haven't I given you kids a bunch already? Regardless, while it might be true that it was important to protect our cultural heritage and rescue your brother," Jecht admitted. "That's no excuse for running off on a dangerous adventure at your age without adult supervision."

"But Auron-" Wakka started.

"Wasn't with you when you started out," Jecht pointed out. "I'm going to have to talk to your parents about this, young man."

"Aw, man!" Wakka moaned.

"Uh, am I in trouble too?" Chappu asked anxiously. "You know, for getting abducted and helping the bad guys and all…"

Jecht put a reassuring hand on the young man's shoulder. "No son, you were kidnapped and brainwashed, these things happen. Nobody holds you responsible. We'll have to have you checked over to make sure there are no lingering side effects before we send you home, though, just a safety precaution."

"Er, brainwashed, right…no problem…" Chappu said, eyes darting back and forth nervously.

Jecht then turned to the tourists and gave them an apologetic bow. "Ladies, I'd like to apologize on behalf of the Crusaders and all of Destiny Islands for any harm that may have come to you due to my idiot son's dragging you along on his dangerous adventure. We'd be perfectly happy to compensate you for any trauma you may have suffered due to the aliens, Yiazmat, or anything else, and hope you won't think poorly of our island and will reconsider any comments you'll tell your friends back home that might cast our island's reputation as a prime vacation spot in a poor light. Free Blitzball tickets and autographs from yours truly will be made available if those will help make up any dissatisfaction you may have experienced during your stay here."

"Your dad's kind of laying it on a little thick, isn't he?" Wakka muttered to Tidus.

"Well, tourism is a major source of our island's economy and prosperity," Tidus pointed out.

"Don't we already have tickets to a game?" Paine whispered to Rikku.

"Yes, but he's a big sports star, so he can probably give us better ones than the ones I got from that rat Mewgle!" Rikku hissed back. "Let's take him up on his offer!"

Yuna smiled and clasped her hands in front of her pleadingly. "Mr. Jecht, I am honored and gratified that you care so much for our safety and well-being. However, I can personally assure you that your son was far from irresponsible in his care of us. While he showed us around the island, we felt safe with him and had a very good time as he explained everything about your home's culture and history. When he decided to head after Auron, he didn't drag us along; in fact he insisted we stay in a safe place while he dealt with the invaders. However, we felt compelled to go with him because we had grown to be just as attached to this place as he is, and did not want to see anything happen to it. If anything harmful befell us, it is totally our own fault, not his. Tidus did his very best to protect us while we ventured through the tomb after the aliens, and I can promise you that thanks to his care nothing bad happened to us."

"What?!" Rikku cried. "That's baloney! We almost got killed by that horrible invincible Yiazmat!"

"Rikku…" growled Yuna.

"Oh, and then we nearly got dumped into that pool of laser-toting piranhas, sharks and crocodiles in that demented game show run by that little creep Mewgle!"

"Rikku…"

"Oh, and let's not forget the giant flaming Blitzball, and that bladed death machine, and the living statue with all the swords, and-" Rikku continued, oblivious to how everyone was glaring at her.

Paine solved the problem by knocking her lights out with a single punch. "You never know when to shut your big mouth," she grumbled.

Jecht blinked. Yuna laughed nervously. "Please ignore her ravings, she's…delirious…it really wasn't as bad as all that."

"Riiiiight…" Jecht said slowly. He glanced at Auron. "Auron, how much of that were you there for?"

"Ah…" Auron shifted uncomfortably.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Boy, you're grounded for the next fifty years. And that's just the beginning," Jecht told Tidus sternly.

"Awww, Daaaaad!" Tidus moaned.

A loud explosion could be heard from behind them as the Toilenator managed to blow up one of the jeeps surrounding it. "We'll finish this later," Jecht said, turning towards the conflict. "Dammit, they should have finished those net launchers by now! What's taking them so long?!"

Darlene huffed. "I thought I trained them better than that."

Jecht sighed and shook his head. "Ugh. Lucil, like I said before, you're with me! Let's get in there and-"

"Commander Jecht!" a voice called from the distance.

Jecht sighed in exasperation and turned around. "What now?"

A couple of soldiers came towards them, holding Selphie, still with a plunger on her face, between them. "Commander Jecht, sir, we found this alien trying to creep away from the beach!" one of them reported.

"Sneaky bastard! We caught it before it could get away, though! What should we do with it, sir?" asked the second soldier.

They all stared at the soldiers incredulously. "You idiots," Auron said after a moment.

The soldiers blinked. "Huh?"

Jecht put his face in his hands for a moment, and then looked up. "Gatta, Luzzu, you nincompoops! That's not an alien, that's Selphie! You know, the crazy Telmitt kid who's always giving us false alarms and running around screaming her head off!"

Gatta and Luzzu looked at Selphie in surprise. "But…are you sure, sir?" Gatta asked. "I mean, look at its face! Nothing that hideous can be of our world!"

Exasperated, Jecht grabbed the handle of the plunger stuck to Selphie's head and ripped it off, revealing the girl's face. She gasped and blinked, eyes dazzled by the sudden light. "I can SEE! And BREATHE! And SCREAM!" She proved this by shrieking at the top of her lungs for thirty seconds and causing everyone to flinch, then smiled serenely.

They stared at her. "Oh," Gatta said quietly. "It is Selphie."

"But…then what was that thing on her face?" Luzzu asked.

Jecht examined it. "It's either a plunger or some kinda sophisticated alien probe device."

"No, it's just a plunger," Tidus said. "I got hit by one earlier too."

Jecht looked at him in astonishment, and the soldiers tensed. "What?! You got hit by one?! Are you all right?!"

Tidus gave him a look. "Dad, it's a plunger."

"Yes, it is!" Selphie said.

"Yeah, but it's an alien plunger! No telling what kinda extraterrestrial germs are on that thing…especially since it came outta that!" Jecht said, pointing at the giant toilet. Tidus grudgingly had to admit that he probably had a point. "We'll have to put the bunch of you through decontamination before you can go back home. Well, we were going to anyway, but now you'll have to have extra." The kids (and fairies) groaned at this.

"You're my hero!" Selphie squealed, breaking free from Gatta and Luzzu and running towards Jecht. "Now pucker up, I'm gonna give you a hero's reward!" She started making kissing noises. Jecht's eyes widened in horror. Quite reasonably, he panicked, screamed, and ran for his life. Wouldn't you, if Selphie tried to kiss you?

"Hey, come back here!" Selphie cried, chasing after him.

"Run sir, run! Don't let it get you!" Lucil cried from her Chocobo.

"Are you guys sure that's not an alien?" Gatta asked the others.

"She's not an alien, we're pretty sure of that," Wakka said definitively. "What she is, though…well, that's up for grabs."

"Gatta! Luzzu!" Darlene barked, causing the two to yelp and stand at attention. "I'm ashamed of the two of you, mistaking a girl with a plunger on her face for a hostile alien life-form! I thought you had better observational skills than that, I suppose not. It looks like I'll have to drill that lesson into you…again!" The soldiers gasped in horror at this, and the Chocobo Knights looked rather sympathetic. "But first, I want both of you to run ten laps around the entire island, starting right now!"

Gatta and Luzzu gawked at her in horror. "Ten laps?!" cried Luzzu.

"Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari, there's no way we could-" started Gatta.

"Did I give you permission to talk?!" snapped Darlene, causing the two to jump and whimper in terror. "Start running, now, or I'll make it a hundred laps. Unless you'd rather have a court-martial for disobeying an officer's orders?"

"Um, but you're not actually an officer-" Clasko started, until Elma and Lucil both gave him looks telling him to shut it. It didn't matter that she wasn't actually an officer; this was Darlene Hikari they were talking about.

Gatta and Luzzu swallowed and stood up straighter. "Ma'am, no ma'am!"

"Ma'am, no ma'am what?"

"Ma'am, no ma'am, we don't want a court-martial, ma'am!" they yelled loudly.

Darlene nodded. "Very good. Now get going!"

"Yes ma'am!" Gatta and Luzzu, not wanting to suffer Sora's mother's wrath, quickly started running away.

"Oh, and stop by my house after you're done, you can have some lemonade to rehydrate yourselves from the long run!" Darlene called after them, her entire demeanor changing in a split second. "Oh, and Private Clasko?"

Clasko stiffened in his saddle, knowing he was in big trouble for his comment. Lucil and Elma both gave him sympathetic looks. "Y-y-y-yes, Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari?"

"While you're half-right, dear, that I'm not an official member of the Crusaders for personal reasons and therefore do not technically have the power to court-martial anyone, that does not give you the right to question my authority in front of other Crusaders. Fifty push-ups, on the ground, now!"

Knowing he'd get worse if he argued, Clasko simply nodded, hopped off his Chocobo, and laid himself out on the ground. He started his first push-up. "One-"

"Oh, wait, before I forget," Darlene interrupted him. "Clasko dear, you're looking a little on the scrawny side. Have you been eating all the right things and exercising enough?"

"Ah…no, ma'am," Clasko admitted.

"Hmm, we'll have to do something about that. Choco!" Darlene addressed Clasko's Chocobo.

"Kweh?" the big yellow bird replied.

"Could you be a dear and press one of your feet against Clasko's back to make it more difficult for him to push off the ground, please?" she asked the Chocobo politely.

"Kwehkweh!" Choco nodded and pressed one of its large taloned feet on Clasko's back, pushing him to the ground.

"B-but Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari, I can't do any push-ups with Choco standing on me!" Clasko protested.

"Of course you can, dear, you just have to push hard enough. Now, don't look at me like that, it's for your own good, you'll never last in the Crusaders if you stay so scrawny and thin, you need to build up more muscle," Darlene said conscientiously. "Your mother'd say the same thing if she were here. We'll talk about your diet later, right now, do those push-ups!"

Clasko sighed and nodded. "Yes, Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari…" He started, with some difficulty, doing his push-ups. "One…erk…two…ugh…three…oh man…four…"

"I have got to learn how to do that," Paine whispered in awe. "Boss people around like that, I mean. Then Rikku'd never step out of line again."

"Eep," whimpered Rikku, terrified at the thought of Paine becoming any tougher than she already was.

"Oh my," said an amazed Yuna. "That was…something else." She frowned. "I'm afraid that means she can't join our group, though."

"Huh?! Why not?!" cried an alarmed Paine.

"Because she's needed more here," Yuna pointed out.

"…Hmm. Maybe you're right," Paine said with a grimace, wishing it weren't so.

"Um…Ms. Hikari, ma'am, if you don't mind my asking…" Wakka said slowly. "…Why don't you officially join the Crusaders?"

She smiled at him sweetly and said, "That's none of your business, dear." Auron chuckled.

Jecht walked back over, carrying Selphie over his shoulder. "Okay, there's that taken care of," he said, referring to the girl, who was screeching and pounding on his back while kicking her feet in the air. "Where'd Gatta and Luzzu go?"

"Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari sent them on a long run as punishment for mistaking Selphie for an alien," Lucil reported.

"Ah. And…why is Clasko…" Jecht paused, and then changed his mind. "Never mind, I'm not sure I want to know. Here Auron, you take this." He pulled Selphie off his shoulder and held her out towards Auron.

"Hi!" Selphie said cheerfully.

"What? Why do I have to take her?" asked the alarmed Auron. "She seems to have taken a shine to you."

"I can't keep her, I already got a kid! Plus, she gives me the creeps…" Jecht muttered, glancing at the way Selphie was drooling.

"Um…can't you just put her on the ground and let her take care of herself?" Yuna asked timidly.

"She was walking around with a plunger on her face," Paine pointed out. "I think it's safe to say she can't be trusted to be on her own."

Yuna frowned. "Hmm, I suppose that's true."

Jecht's walkie-talkie suddenly buzzed to life, and the commander dropped Selphie without thinking to grab the device. "Ow," she said, landing on her head.

"Commander Jecht, all net launchers are complete, sir!" the voice on the other end said.

"What? Finally! It's about time!" Jecht said. "Open fire!"

Leblanc snarled inside the control cistern, dizzy as hell from having to keep the Toilenator spinning about to keep track of all the people shooting at her. 'Ergh…agh! Stand still, you little…ARGH! That does it! Prepare to flush them all!"

"Again?" Ormi asked.

"Yes, again!" Leblanc screamed. "What, is there something wrong with making a giant robot toilet flush things down the drain?!"

"No, it's just…" Ormi started.

"WHAT?!" Leblanc howled.

"Well, our water bill's pretty high," Ormi said. "If we flush too much, we'll have to pay extra."

Leblanc stared at him for a long moment, deliberating whether or not it would matter much in the long run if she killed her idiot lackey here and now. Admitting that it would be a pain to break in a new crony, especially on a backwater planet like this, she decided not to kill him just yet and instead turned back to the controls. "As I was saying, LET'S FLUSH THEM ALL!"

The Toilenator raised its left arm and prepared to push down on its lever…

When suddenly the cannons that many of the Crusaders had been working on while their brethren were running around distracting the Toilenator fired, launching several nets into the air which rapidly expanded upon being shot from their launchers, spiraling out to entrap the Toilenator, the many weights on the edges causing the nets to wrap around the giant robot and pin its arms to its sides, completely immobilizing it as well as sealing its lidded mouth shut. Naturally, the Toilenator was not pleased with this and tried struggling, but the nets were made out of some kind of very durable metal mesh and so were not that easy to break. It became even harder when switches were flipped on the net launchers and an electric current ran up the cables connecting the cannons to the nets, electrifying the Toilenator and causing it to bellow in pain as the voltage entered its body through the areas that had been weakened or exposed by the bombs Darlene had planted, frying a number of its circuits and causing sparks to fly from all over the giant robot's body. There was a sizzling noise and the smell of ozone as smoke rose from the Toilenator's hull. The giant toilet monster seemed dazed, and wobbled, losing its balance due to the heavy damage done by the electricity and coming very close to toppling over and crushing a number of the Crusaders responsible for defeating it. Fortunately, the launchers also had reels which they could use to pull back on the cables attached to the many nets wrapped around the Toilenator, and when all of them were activated and pulling back at once, an equilibrium was achieved that kept the robot from falling over by tugging on it with just the right amount on all sides, thus keeping it balanced and on its feet. A loud cheer went up from the Crusaders at this sight, for it seemed as if they had won yet another victory against the forces which conspired to destroy their world.

"Wow," said an amazed Rikku. "They actually pulled it off!"

"Of course they did," Wakka scoffed. "They're the Crusaders! They can beat anyone!"

"What about Yiazmat?" asked Yuna.

"Well, maybe not him…" Wakka admitted.

"Yayness, the evil toilet people from Uranus have been defeated!" Selphie cried happily. "Kiss me, Tidus!"

Tidus looked at her in horror. "Ah, no. No, I don't think so."

"What will you do with the aliens now that they've been defeated?" Paine asked Jecht.

"Standard procedure when we manage to capture live ones," the commander told her. "We'll transport that thing back to one of the continental Crusaders bases on the mainland, cut it open, and have our tech guys analyze the robot to figure out what makes it tick and see if any of the stuff in it can be used to augment our own technology. If the aliens are still alive by then, we'll put 'em in the secure lock-up with all the other invaders we've managed to capture to be studied by our xenobiologists. By understanding what makes the aliens tick, we can engineer a particular defense to be used against their species should they try to invade again."

Yuna and Rikku looked rather uneasy at learning the fate of other extraterrestrial visitors to this planet, since there was a good chance the same thing might happen to them if anyone found out they were from off-world. The pained look on Tidus' face showed he was thinking the exact same thing. Paine, however, seemed more curious than worried. "How do you study their biology? Dissection? Cruel and inhumane experimentation?" She was particularly gleeful at the thought of Leblanc and her cronies being put under the knife and finally being punished for all the frustration they had caused over the years.

"Only if they die," Jecht said with an annoyed grunt. "Namby-pamby alien rights activists in the community and in our own ranks insist we do it that way. We run all sorts of tests on 'em while they're still breathing, but nothing too bad…though if you ask me, a lot of them deserve worse, considering what they've done to some of the people they've abducted. I've seen pictures, pretty gruesome stuff."

"Wh-what if the aliens are friendly?" Yuna asked anxiously, trying not to sound as if it was that big a deal or relevant to her personally. "Would you still treat them like that?"

Jecht smirked. "We haven't met a friendly alien so far, miss, and we don't expect to anytime soon." Yuna swallowed, her throat feeling very dry at that moment. Tidus was fidgeting anxiously.

"That doesn't mean there aren't any friendly life-forms out there," Darlene interjected, winking at the Gullwings. "After all, it's a very big universe. While the Crusaders have yet to encounter any peaceful extraterrestrial visitors, protocol states that we are to release any we run into on their own recognizance once it has been asserted that they mean no harm to our world. So as long as they have no intention of endangering us, they should have nothing to fear."

All the fairies sighed in relief, as did Tidus. "That's good to hear," said Yuna gratefully.

"How come you kids don't know this stuff already? Didn't you hear about it from your local Crusaders chapter?" Jecht asked curiously, causing the off-worlders to tense.

"Ah, they come from a small town," Tidus said quickly.

"Yeah, closest Crusader outpost is several miles away, near a big city," Wakka added.

"Oh," Jecht said, nodding. "Which one?"

"Uhhh…" The kids glanced at Auron and Darlene for help.

Before either adult could work up a plausible lie, though, Selphie started screaming. "Oh Em Gee Double-You Tee Eff Bee Bee Queue! The robot's breaking free! We're all doomed!"

"What?! IMPOSSIBLE!" Jecht roared, whirling around…and saw, to his horror, that the Toilenator was struggling against the nets containing it, and did indeed seem to be close to breaking them. "Oh, shit…"

"Boss, what are you doing?!" Logos cried from inside the Toilenator's cockpit. They had gotten hit by the electric jolt as well, and now the cistern was a bit drier, though now it smelled like burnt hair, mainly because all of their hair had been zapped into spikes by the static effect.

"Breaking…us…out of here!" Leblanc snarled, pouring more of her magical energy into the Toilenator's systems to reenergize it.

"But boss, what you're doing is way too dangerous!" Ormi protested. "Ol' Betsy can't take this much power!"

"And even more important, neither can you!" added Logos. "If you keep pushing like this, you're going to burn yourself out! You could die, or even lose all your power!"

"I…don't…care!" Leblanc shrieked through gritted teeth, her petite form glowing and crackling as she forced more and more magic into the control panel she was gripping, flowing from there to the rest of the giant robot. "They've humiliated me…for the last…time! They blew up my ship…they gave my treasure to a fucking dragon…they stranded us on this disgusting planet…they've immobilized my robot…and they ruined my hair! The humans…and the Gullwings…MUST…DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!"

"Enterprise, Chopper-One, aim all your weapons at that thing!" Jecht barked into his communicator as soldiers rushed about all around them. "Ground teams, set the nets to maximum voltage then get outta there! Enterprise, Chopper-One, if that thing breaks free, wait for our guys to get out of the way then let that thing have it!"

As the various soldiers hopped into their jeeps and hovercraft and sped away, the nets wrapped around Toilenator lit up with a blinding flash as over a million volts of electricity coursed through the cables and into the mecha. The Toilenator convulsed, roared…but continued its struggles, thrashing harder and harder at the nets, until finally, with a mighty bellow, the giant robot managed to spread wide its arms, totally shredding the nets to pieces and causing heavily-charged bits of wire and cable to fall all over the place, electricity spilling out on the sand. The Toilenator roared again, static crackling across its body, a bizarre aura of glowing energy writhing and flaring to life all across its form. The skies began darkening ominously, storm clouds swirling above the beach and sending out forks of lightning, thunder rumbling in sync with the Toilenator's angry bellows.

Taking that as their cue to attack, the helicopter and warship started firing away at the Toilenator. Half a dozen missiles launched from the deck of the ship and streaked towards the giant robot, while the helicopter blasted the Toilenator with its machine guns, gatling guns, and rocket launchers. The aerial assault did little good; the bullets ricocheted harmlessly off of the Toilenator's aura-enhanced body and buried themselves in the surrounding sand, coming very close to hitting some of the slower soldiers trying to get out of the way. The helicopter's rockets and the ship's missiles exploded on impact against the robot's body, but seemed to do no damage. In fact, the damage that had already been inflicted on the Toilenator from the electrified netting and Darlene's explosives actually seemed to be healing right before their eyes!

"Wahahahahaha!" the crazed Leblanc cackled from inside the Toilenator's cockpit, eyes filled with madness and her hair flying all over the place, while Ormi and Logos huddled in fear in a damp corner of the room. "You impudent fools think to strike me down? Let me show you what happens to those who wrong the great and beautiful Leblanc!"

The Toilenator pointed its plunger staff at the helicopter and fired several dozen plungers at it. The helicopter quickly maneuvered out of the way of the volley, but by poor chance one of the plungers managed to hit the chopper's windshield, firmly adhering to its glass surface and blotting out all view outside the cockpit. "Waaaahhh!" the pilot cried in alarm. "Can't…see! Overlarge plunger…blocking view! Can't stop…talking like this!" Panicking and losing control, the helicopter started swerving and flying randomly about, zigzagging down into the jungle and crashing with a tremendous explosion which toppled trees and set a lot of the greenery ablaze. The pilot, who had managed to eject at the last minute and was now drifting down to the beach on a parachute, reflected that he had probably overreacted a little; after all, it had just been a plunger. Oh well, he thought with a sigh. Guess its back to toilet-cleaning duty for me. How appropriate.

Selphie gasped. "Oh em gee, that poor whirlybird! And I never even got to feed it, or play with it, or put it in a cage, or eat it for dinner…" Everyone looked at her strangely.

"At least the guy flying it's okay," Tidus said, noticing the parachute.

"I thought I trained the pilots better than that," Darlene said with a frown. "Whoever's responsible for that crash, I'm going to need to have a talk with later for panicking and losing such an expensive vehicle."

"Dammit, this thing's out of control! Enterprise, let loose all your missiles! Ground team; hit that sucker with everything you've got!" Jecht shouted into his walkie-talkie. Lights flared from the deck of the ship as at least a dozen missiles were launched from its silos and came rocketing over the water towards the Toilenator. As for the ground troops, they had stopped their retreat and gotten out of their vehicles, using the jeeps and hovercrafts for cover as they fired all their projectile weapons at the Toilenator. Their bullets, arrows, and explosives either detonated or ricocheted harmlessly off of the robot's enhanced armor, causing it to laugh, a noise that sounded much like a toilet flushing itself repeatedly. It turned away from the ground troops, as if they were totally beneath its notice, and focused on the missiles shooting towards it from the warship. Aiming its plunger staff, the mecha launched several dozen plungers at the incoming rockets. Naturally, since it was a scattershot, the majority of the plungers missed their targets and kept going until they either hit the side of the ship far out to sea or lost their velocity and fell into the ocean. However, inevitably, a few of them hit the missiles, with varying results. Some of the plungers knocked the missiles off course and caused them to crash into the water or the beach and explode, scattering shrapnel all over the place and wounding a few soldiers unlucky enough to be near the blast. Other missiles simply exploded immediately. A few, however, got so jarred by having a plunger strike their warheads that their guidance systems malfunctioned, causing them to swerve away from the Toilenator…

And rocket right back towards the boat that had launched them.

Eyes wide in horror as Selphie screamed and ran around in circles, Jecht screamed, "ENTERPRISE, ALL HANDS ABANDON SHIP! ALL HANDS ABANDON SHIP!" into his walkie-talkie. As his friends gasped at the tragedy in the making, Tidus strained his eyes to look out to sea, just barely making out various specks trying to lower the ship's lifeboats into the water before the missiles hit, or decided there was no time even to bother with that and just jumped off the side of the ship and into the ocean. Everyone watched anxiously as the missiles drew closer and closer to the vessel, praying that everyone could get off in time. Wakka bit his nails. Chappu moaned and hopped from one foot to the other. Rikku was too anxious to watch. Paine sighed and crossed her arms, tapping her foot nervously. Darlene frowned and bit her lip. Auron shook his head solemnly. Lucil and Elma ground their teeth while their Chocobos pawed the sand anxiously. Clasko kept doing push-ups, since nobody had told him to stop. Yuna clasped her hands together, waiting with bated breath for the end.

Finally, inevitably, it came. The missiles struck the ship, causing an explosion of tremendous heat and light which could be felt all the way on the beach, throwing up a lot of sea spray in the distance and no doubt overturning the lifeboats in the water close to the doomed vessel. Their hair was blown back and the sand rumbled under their feet due to the shockwave caused by the blast, causing glass to rattle back in town. The waves churned angrily nearby, agitated by the displacement of water made by the ship's destruction and causing the tide to come in early, saltwater lapping up at the feet of the Toilenator. Burning steadily and heavily damaged, the ship cracked in two, its separate halves angling upward and rapidly sinking down to the bottom of the sea, taking any poor soul that hadn't gotten off the ship in time but had somehow managed to survive the missile strike with them. The flag bearing the standard of the Crusaders and the Destiny Islands waved sadly in the wind as it, too, was claimed by the waters and vanished into the deep. Of the lifeboats that had gotten off the ship, there was no sign, either because the sea was too agitated by the explosion to see clearly…or because they, too, had been destroyed and sunken to the bottom of the sea.

"Enterprise crew, respond!" Jecht yelled into his walkie-talkie. There was a tense silence as everyone listened intently to the static buzzing on the other end of the communicator, trying to discern anything that might be a voice from all the white noise. "I repeat, Enterprise crew, respond!" More static. Nothing that sounded like it had come from a human throat. Tears streaming down his cheeks, Jecht bellowed, "This is Commander Jecht of the Crusaders, Destiny Island chapter; captain of the world champion Blitzball team, the Abes! Enterprise crew, if any of you are out there, please…dammit…please respond!" There was no reply. None at all. The walkie-talkie slipped from Jecht's shaking hands and fell to the sand, still emitting nothing but white noise. "No…"

"Oh no," whispered Yuna. Clutching herself, she leaned against Tidus and started to cry.

A great silence fell upon the group. Even Selphie was uncharacteristically quiet in light of what had just occurred. But out of all the displays of grief Tidus saw, the woman he thought he might love crying on his shoulder, Wakka and Chappu's expressions of stunned disbelief, Selphie's silence, Auron and Ms. Hikari's grim acceptance, Clasko wailing and hugging his Chocobo, and Rikku's look of sheer horror and denial, it was his father's tears that really drove home to him how great this tragedy was. Never, in all his life, could he ever remember seeing his father cry. Not until today.

Auron, no stranger to great loss of life, stepped forward and put a hand on Jecht's shoulder. "C-commander," Lucil asked quietly, wiping away her tears. "What are your orders?"

"…Orders?" Jecht asked, head bowed, voice emotionless.

Lucil swallowed, and glanced at her fellow Knights for help. They only gave her blank looks, too stunned to offer any assistance. But Auron and Darlene both nodded at her, knowing that despite this tragedy, they needed to move forward, and right now that required the leader of the Crusaders to get back into action. Marshalling her courage, Lucil tried again. "Yes sir. What are we going to do now?"

Jecht said nothing for a long moment. He looked more vulnerable at that moment than Tidus had ever remembered seeing him. It was…humbling, and at the same time oddly gratifying, for it made Tidus suddenly feel closer to his father than he had in a long time. Finally, Jecht sighed, as if gathering his thoughts, shook off Auron's hand, turned to Lucil and opened his mouth…

And was interrupted by the deep, booming, flushing laugh from the Toilenator. "And so the pitiful humans die, drowned in the oceans from which they crawled out of millions of years ago! Such is the fate of weaklings bound to such pathetically short mortal lifespans! They deserved to die for thinking they could challenge a superior beauty such as myself! Gwahahahaha!"

"Uh, boss, why'd you say that over the loudspeakers so everyone outside could hear that?" whispered an alarmed Ormi.

"And what the heck was all that, anyway?!" asking a puzzled Logos, wondering where all that discriminatory sentiment had come from.

Their boss shrugged. "I felt like demoralizing them," Leblanc sneered.

However, her 'demoralizing' had quite the opposite effect on the soldiers arrayed outside the Toilenator. They were not weak and cowardly sheep, frightful creatures easy to bully and coerce into submission. They were humans, no, they were Crusaders! Sworn defenders of their planet, dedicated to preserving it from whatever hostile forces might lurk outside their solar system! Their world had managed, by some miracle, to return to relative normality after being totally destroyed by the Heartless, but not everyone had come back. Their once-idyllic world had become a changed place, one in which the people were aware they were not alone in the universe, and knew they had to defend themselves should the darkness ever return. The Crusaders had been formed to prevent that from happening, to battle any force which sought to invade or destroy their world and the people they cared for, and ever since their founding they had done just that, over and over again, no matter what the sacrifice or cost. Leblanc's arrogant taunt only served to remind them of that, remind them of the oath they had sworn to protect their homes and families, snapping them out of the despair arising from seeing so many of their brethren out to sea being decimated and galvanizing them back to action. They were Crusaders, dammit, and they were not going to let a giant toilet get away with killing their comrades unpunished!

Without thinking, filled with anger, the Crusaders roared and charged into battle, waving their weapons and firing projectiles at the Toilenator. This mass battle cry grabbed Jecht's attention and caused him to whirl around towards the battle. "What the…what do they think they're doing?!"

"It looks like they're charging the enemy, Commander," said Lucil eagerly. "To avenge our comrades lost at sea!"

"Yeah, but without any planning whatsoever! Those idiots are gonna get themselves killed!" Jecht cried. "Or did they forget that so far, this thing's taken everything we've thrown at it?!"

Jecht's pessimistic statement proved to be accurate. Laughing, the Toilenator raised its left hand into the sky and called down lightning from the storm clouds, causing a bolt of electricity to shoot down from the heavens and into its palm before widely dispersing out across the battlefield, bringing the Crusaders to their knees as the high-voltage attack wracked their bodies. Some of the lightning struck parked jeeps and hovercrafts and caused their fuel tanks to detonate, making them explode and taking out a number of the nearest soldiers with them. Letting up on the lightning for a moment, the Toilenator started lobbing flaming toilet paper rolls at the dazed and electrified Crusaders before they could recover from the last attack, blowing up more vehicles and lighting a number of poor soldiers on fire.

"No! Goddammit!" Jecht yelled furiously. He snatched up his walkie-talkie and shouted orders into it. "THIS IS YOUR COMMANDER SPEAKING, SHITHEADS! FALL BACK! WITHDRAW! GET OUTTA THERE! THAT'S AN ORDER!" Lowering the communicator, he shook his head in anger and frustration. "Goddamn, that thing's taking out even more of us, and we're not even making a dent in it!"

"We can't allow this to go on," Darlene said. "But so far, a head-on assault's proven to be useless, as has attacks from a distance. That thing's armor is just too strong, and I don't think I can sneak over there and climb back up it to do some more precise damage, they'll be expecting that this time."

"Uh, hey, Yuna, could you…" Tidus whispered.

She shook her head. "Still not enough magic."

"Darn."

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Selphie screamed, unsurprisingly.

"Hey! I think I have an idea!" Chappu cried suddenly. They all turned to him, at the moment desperate enough for an idea to hear him out. That surprised him for a moment, to have so much attention focused on him, but he quickly recovered and started talking. "Um, earlier, when we were fighting that thing, Yu—ah, one of us managed to hit that thing in the eye, and it actually seemed to hurt! Though…um, it kind of got better…huh, maybe it's not such a good idea after all…"

"Not so fast, what did you hit that thing with?" Lucil asked, listening intently.

"Huh? Um…" Chappu realized it would probably not be the best idea to tell the grown-ups that one of the tourists was packing heat.

Auron saved the day, though. "It was Wakka's Blitzball."

"Huh? No it-" Wakka started, only to get elbowed by Paine. "Ow! Uh, I mean, yes it was."

"Hmm…a Blitzball…" Jecht snapped his fingers. "That's it!" He ran to his jeep and quickly started rummaging through the back.

"Huh? It is?" asked a confused Wakka, looking as puzzled as everyone else. Clasko glanced at his Chocobo, who only shrugged and 'kwehed.'

"I think I understand," Elma said. "The Blitzball was able to hurt the monster, even if it was for a brief moment, by merit of being a small object moving at high enough speeds to penetrate a weak area in the enemy's defenses. While the monster's defenses have somehow become enhanced, in theory the same principle can be used to damage it again, if we just hit it with something small and fast enough to pierce its armor!"

"Yes…that makes sense," Auron agreed.

"But we've already thrown everything we have at it," pointed out a frantic Clasko. "What else can we use that would work?!"

"A Blitzball, of course!" Jecht said, straightening up and walking back over to them, holding a very colorful blue and gold Blitzball that looked more like a flattened orb than a true sphere, with curved spikes growing from the sides. "If a Blitzball could penetrate that thing's defenses before, then another Blitzball should be able to do the same thing!" Auron and Wakka shifted uneasily, worried now that their lie might have started something which could cause even more trouble.

"Ah…pardon me for being a little skeptical, but if bullets, arrows, and missiles couldn't hurt that thing, what makes you think a Blitzball can?" Paine asked dubiously.

Jecht chuckled. "This is no ordinary Blitzball, young lady! This here's the World Champion!"

Wakka gasped. "Whoa! You mean the legendary Blitzball only awarded to the team that becomes best in the world at least twice in a row, currently in the possession of the Abes and you, their captain?!"

"The one you usually use only in the most serious of games and battles, and so far has never let you down?!" Chappu pressed eagerly.

"Yeah, the same Blitzball I wind up polishing once a week…" Tidus grumbled.

"C-Can I touch it?" Wakka whispered reverently.

Jecht nodded. "Yep, that's this ball all right! And no, you can't touch it. If it can penetrate the supposedly unbreakable defense line of the Luca Goers, then it can certainly crack the shell of that giant toilet!"

"Hmm…that might actually work," Auron said thoughtfully. "If you find the right opening, that is."

"And if you use one of my explosives to increase the damage," Darlene said, handing Jecht one of her bombs. "If you attach this to your ball and set the timer just before you throw it at the monster, the bomb should go off in time to exacerbate the hit and possibly take the robot out of commission!"

Jecht nodded as he planted the limpet device on the surface of the Blitzball. "To make it even more effective, I'll use my patented Jecht Shot! I've yet to see an alien monster that can walk away from getting hit by that attack!"

Chappu, Wakka, and the Chocobo Knights didn't look pleased with this plan. "But Commander, you can't do that!" said the alarmed Lucil.

"Yeah, that's the World Champion!" agreed a horrified Wakka. "Blowing it up is like, I dunno, sacrilege or something!"

"That thing's practically sacred, you can't destroy it!" agreed Clasko. "Oh, and, uh, it's probably really dangerous. You could get killed or something. I guess."

Jecht laughed. "Oh relax; this thing's just about indestructible! It'll take more than a measly explosion to destroy the World Champion! This old thing will survive to win plenty more games in the future, I guarantee it!"

"Can this actually work?" Yuna whispered to Tidus.

"It just might, actually," Tidus admitted. "I've seen him shatter boulders and hunks of solid iron with that thing. If anything can penetrate that monster's defenses, it's the World Champion!"

"Now all we need is an opening…and somewhere to aim," Auron said, glancing at the Toilenator in the middle distance.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), both were about to be made available. Leblanc was not happy to see that the Crusaders, acting on Jecht's orders, had managed to draw back out of range of her lightning attacks and flaming toilet paper volleys, but had no problem with continuing to pepper her with bullets, arrows, and shells, ineffective as those attacks might be. "Grrr…how dare they run away from me, the great Leblanc?!"

"We could go after them," Logos pointed out. "This thing does have legs, after all."

Leblanc sniffed. "Leblanc doesn't go to her enemies; Leblanc's enemies come to Leblanc!"

"Ah," said Logos. He and Ormi exchanged looks, both agreeing that their boss had pretty much totally lost it.

To make her enemies come to her, Leblanc decided it was time once again to use the Toilenator's deadliest weapon. It struck a stupid pose, flipped open its lid, bent down so its U-bend maw was facing the Crusaders, and pushed down the lever on its front with its left arm, causing the water in its basin to drain away and create a vacuum effect which began pulling the Crusaders back towards it with a continuous 'flushing' sound. The soldiers staggered and tripped on each other as they tried, and failed, to fight the suction effect. They tried climbing over their vehicles to use them as protective barriers, but Leblanc cranked up the vacuum power so that even those flimsy shields started creaking and tilting towards the Toilenator's mouth. It would only be mere moments until the Crusaders lost their footing and grips entirely and were flushed down the drain. If something were to be done to stop this, it would need to be done soon.

The full force of the suction had not yet reached where Jecht, the Chocobo Knights, and our heroes were standing, but they could already feel the pull of the Toilenator's vacuum, their hair and grains of sand blowing in the direction of the giant robot. Paine sighed in annoyance. "Not again…"

"Didn't we go through this already?" Rikku complained.

Chappu nodded. "Yeah, once is enough!"

"Oh noez!" Selphie cried. "We're going to be flushed down the toilet, just like I always feared!"

"You too?" asked a surprised Wakka. "Well, guess I'm not the only one."

"Oh Em Gee! That must mean we're SOULMATES!" Selphie squealed.

Wakka's eyes widened in horror. "Ah, no. No we're not. Stay far away from me, really."

"Looks like this is it," Jecht growled, noticing that his command was in danger. "You asked for an opening, Auron, and there you have it…can't make a much bigger target than the thing's mouth while it's inhaling!"

"In any other situation, I'd take advantage of the vacuum and throw some of my grenades over there, confident in the suction effect to drag them into the monster's mouth," said Darlene. "But with all our troops in the way, it's too risky; one of my bombs could hit them instead."

"It looks like it's all up to you, old friend," Auron said.

"Commander, are you sure you can do this?" Elma asked anxiously.

"Of course he can!" Lucil scoffed. "He's Commander Jecht, star of the Abes and world champ! If anyone can make this shot, he can!"

Jecht frowned and did some calculations in his head. "I can make the shot," he said suddenly. "But, factoring in the distance from here to there, allowing for the acceleration and pull caused by the suction effect, adding in the maximum time you can put on the clock of one of these standard limpet mines…if I shoot it from here, the ball won't get into the monster's mouth before the bomb goes off, reducing the amount of damage it'll take. To achieve the maximum effect, I'm going to have to make the winning shot from a bit closer."

"What?!" Tidus cried.

"No way!" yelled Wakka.

"Yeah, if you mess up and get flushed, who's gonna lead the Abes to victory in this year's Blitzball World Championship?" asked Chappu.

"Commander, no, you can't do that!" protested Lucil.

"I have to," Jecht said. "I'm the only one who can make that shot!"

"But Dad, I can do it!" Tidus protested.

"You?!" Jecht snorted derisively.

Tidus glared at him. "I've been practicing! I can do it!"

"Oh, I believe you could make the shot regularly…I've been watching you train, you're not too bad," Jecht said, surprising Tidus. "But, you're still just a kid…your skinny frame's too light; you'd get picked up off your feet and sucked into that thing before you could get close enough to make the winning move! I'm bigger and heavier, so I'll be able to keep my footing long enough to take that thing out of commission!"

Tidus grimaced, recalling how the fairies had been forced to cling to him to keep from getting sucked into the Toilenator and realizing his father was right. "But…Dad…" He swallowed, and looked his father in the eye. "I…I don't want anything to happen to you…"

Jecht's face softened (slightly). He crouched down and put a hand on his son's shoulder. "I don't anything to happen to you either," he said solemnly. "And that's why I have to do this."

There was a moment of quiet at this, and everyone watched in amazement as Jecht for the first time showed a rarely-seen tender side of himself to his son…a moment which was ruined when Selphie squealed, "Oh Em Eff Gee! It's so kawa-hey, Arr Oh Tee Eff Ell Em Ay Oh!"

"Shut up," Paine snarled, elbowing Selphie in the gut. "You're spoiling the moment."

Jecht stood back up, mussed up his stunned son's hair semi-affectionately, and turned to Lucil. "Lucil…if anything happens to me out there, I'm putting you in charge. Got that?"

Lucil stammered. "B-but Commander-"

"I said, 'Got that?' That was an order, not a request, Captain," Jecht growled.

She swallowed and nodded. "Y-yes, sir."

Jecht then turned to Darlene. "Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari, I trust you can take care of these kids in my absence?"

She nodded and saluted. "Of course, sir. You can count on me!"

Jecht smirked. "I know I can." Next, he turned to Auron. "Auron…my old friend…if anything should happen to me, I want you to take care of Tidus. My boy's going to be the next captain and star player of the Abes someday, and a fine Crusader should he decide to join, though he still has a lot of growing up to do." He paused, glancing back at Tidus, noticing how Yuna had clasped her hand with his. He smiled faintly. "Then again…maybe he's a lot further along than I thought. I probably should have paid more attention." Tidus blinked in surprise when he heard this.

Auron nodded. "You have nothing to worry about. Tidus isn't the only young man I've taken care of in my long existence."

Jecht smirked. "Yeah…I figured you'd say that." He took a deep breath. "Okay, enough stalling…it's go time!"

"Dad!" Tidus yelled, a second too late, as his father bounded over the hood of his jeep and ran towards the Toilenator. "…Be careful."

Yuna gave him a gentle squeeze on his hand, to show him she was there. "Don't worry," she told him. "If he's anything like you, then I think he'll be all right."

"Yeah," agreed Wakka. "Jecht's the greatest guy ever, ya!"

"He does seem kind of cool," Paine admitted grudgingly.

Tidus smirked. "Of course he is," he said, meaning it for the first time in his life. "He's my dad."

"And I will marry him someday!" Selphie shrieked loudly. Everyone stared at her. "Or Tidus. Or Wakka. I'm not picky." Tidus and Wakka exchanged horrified looks at each other. Yuna scowled at Selphie and clutched Tidus' arm protectively, while Chappu shook his head in pity.

Jecht ran towards the Toilenator, sand and powerful winds buffeting him from behind as the giant mecha increased its suction force in an attempt to consume everything on the beach. He stumbled a few times as he ran, but kept his footing, knowing he could not afford a single misstep. They're all counting on me, he growled to himself. Auron, the Crusaders, my son…they're all counting on me to beat this thing! I can't let them down! As he thought this to himself, a rock caught up in the vacuum struck him from behind, causing him to trip and start falling head over heels, nearly losing his grip on the booby-trapped World Champion in the process. He quickly shot out his free hand, pressing against the ground as it came rushing up towards him and flipping him over before he could fall on his face, pushing him back upright and reaffirming his grip on the Blitzball. He hit the ground running, moving faster both due to his momentum and the tug from ahead of him caused by the increased suction force. Phew, that was close. Almost bought it back there! Gotta be more careful, don't want Tidus losing his old man just yet!

He quickly reached the area where the Crusaders were hanging on for dear life to keep from being sucked into the Toilenator's maw. They were clutching onto or crouching behind parked jeeps and hovercrafts, holding onto each other tightly and digging their fingers into the dirt for anchorage, or burying their weapons in the sand and using them as supports to keep from being flushed away. But the vehicles were rocking and slowly sliding across the ground towards the Toilenator, and the grips of the Crusaders on whatever object they could get their hands on was slipping. All of the soldiers who had been killed by the Toilenator's lightning or flaming toilet paper attacks were long gone, sucked into the giant robot's mouth and disposed of in a sickening fashion which only served to denigrate the memory of those noble Crusaders. Jecht had every intention of avenging their humiliation.

He dove forward, tucking and rolling and landing behind one of the nearby jeeps so he could get a moment to catch his breath and regain his balance. The Crusaders also hiding behind the jeep gawked at him in amazement. "Commander Jecht!" one of them cried in relief. "What're you doing here?!"

"I'm here to rescue you dumbasses," Jecht roared over the howl of the constant flushing noise. "What'd you think I was doing?!"

"But sir, how can you possibly defeat that monster by yourself?!" one of the other Crusaders yelled.

"With World Champion by my side, there's no way I can fail!" Jecht boasted. I hope. "Okay, I suggest you all get back, I'm gonna use my patented Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III to finish this thing off!"

The Crusaders, all Blitzball aficionados (naturally) were very excited by this. "Oh boy! You mean your patented finishing move which has always won the game?!" one of the soldiers said enthusiastically.

"Will you ever show us Marks I and II, sir?" another asked, as they all crowded over to the ends of the jeep away from Jecht.

"Ah, perhaps someday," Jecht said awkwardly, feeling somewhat embarrassed because there actually wasn't a Mark I or II, he just called it Mark III as a gimmick to draw more people to his games in hopes that they'd see the first two. Really should change that name, he thought to himself. "But right now, Mark III's the only one with the power to destroy this thing, so keep your heads low, don't want to hit any of you by accident!"

"Yes sir!" the Crusaders cried, all ducking low…but keeping their eyes on Jecht, they didn't want to miss a second of this.

Crouching down a bit, Jecht shuffled backwards a few meters from the jeep to get himself some distance while retaining some form of cover from the suction. Then, he held the ball in both hands for a moment, trying to get his inner focus, calming his mind and clearing out any and all distractions save for the perfect shot he was about to make. Images of what he was fighting for, his island home, his friends in the Crusaders, his old friend Auron, and his wife and child flashed through his mind, lending him strength. "ALL RIGHT, YOU ALIEN MOTHERFUCKERS!" he yelled. "I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SLIMEBALLS FROM OUTER SPACE WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE CRUSADERS!" He set the timer on the explosive device, dropped the ball to the ground, and let loose with a powerful kick. "GET!" The World Champion Blitzball sailed through the air, striking the jeep and causing its side door to cave in, making the Crusaders gasp in awe as it rebounded and arced back towards Jecht. He kicked the ball again as it came towards him, knocking it into the air. "OFF!" He leaped up before the ball could get caught in the suction flow (which would at this point still carry it towards the Toilenator, but the bomb might go off before it reached the thing's mouth and hurt some of the Crusaders) and hit the sphere with his head, causing it to soar over the jeep, strike (and crumple) the fan of one of the hovercrafts, and rebound towards him once more. "OUR!" He caught it and in one smooth move threw it back with one hand before it could lose any of the momentum it had built up, causing it to hit (and deflate) the same hovercraft as before and then arc back towards him. Jecht crouched down, building up the power in his legs, and sprung high into the air to intercept the ball before it could arc over his head, twirling to increase his speed and also to look really cool. Time seemed to slow down as he stopped his spin and began flipping over in midair, allowing him to calmly watch the digits on the limpet bomb's electronic display tick down one after the other, getting closer by the second to its detonation as the ball spun towards him. He was almost out of time. He wasn't worried, though. He was a professional sports champion. He knew all about beating the clock. "PLAAAAANEEEEET!" he shouted, his leg swinging up in slow motion to strike the ball with one last ultra-powerful kick and send it hurtling away in real time. The Blitzball streaked towards the Toilenator like a bolt of lightning, sailing through the eye of the storm and right down the giant toilet's throat, as if it were a Blitzball goal.

Jecht landed and waited, along with everyone else, for something to happen. For a few moments, it seemed as if the Blitzball had had no effect on the Toilenator.

And then…

The giant robot shuddered and groaned, the vacuum effect shutting down as the sound of a muffled explosion could be heard from within it. Flames gushed out of the Toilenator's mouth, crackling and burning with rage. Other explosions rocked the robot's body as its innards melted and malfunctioned, tearing the thing apart. With a pair of simultaneous blasts, both the thing's arms were torn off and fell to the ground. The lever on the creature's front, along with the monster's eye, was shattered by an explosion from within. Electricity crackling around them, the legs buckled and fell to pieces beneath the Toilenator's dead weight, causing its main body to collapse to the ground, still wracked with explosions. Cracks formed across its surface, spiderwebbing their way all over its body. Beams of light shone from those cracks, growing brighter and brighter, and finally…

The Toilenator exploded, pieces of scrap, clouds of sand, and toilet paper flying everywhere. The Crusaders ducked and covered themselves to keep from getting hit by the shrapnel. The three fairies of the Leblanc Syndicate, their clothing and hair burnt and their skin covered in soot, were hurled out of the explosion and thrown high into the air. "Nooooo!" shrieked Leblanc, wailing and crying madly. "How could this be happening?! They're just a bunch of stupid humans, how could they possibly defeat a fairy of my magnificence and beauty?!"

"And they killed Betsy, too! Waaaaaahhhhh!" Ormi bawled, flailing his limbs helplessly.

Logos sighed. "Well, I suppose it's like they say, pride goes before the fall…and we certainly have a big fall coming up on us!"

"But we're going up," Leblanc protested, pointing to the island below, which seemed to be shrinking due to their increasing altitude.

"Yes, but what goes up must come down," Logos pointed out.

"And in our case, we'll be coming down…hard!" Ormi whimpered.

"Why does it always end up like this?" whined Leblanc.

All three fairies sighed, resigned once more to their fate of being eternal losers. "Looks like we're blasting off agaaaaaaaiiiiiin!" they yelled as they were sent flying into the distance, vanishing for the time being with a twinkle and a ting!

Down on the ground, the Crusaders rose to their feet, cheering raucously and jumping up and down and firing their weapons into the air in joy as they saw that the dread Toilenator had been reduced to so much rubbish and sand, lit by the brilliant sun shining through the dissipating storm clouds. Jecht grinned triumphantly, until he was smothered and knocked over by the rush of soldiers flocking over to congratulate and thank him for performing the shot that had saved them all. Auron smirked. Wakka and Chappu cheered. Darlene smiled broadly; glad that this was finally over, though she wondered when her son would be coming home. Clasko burst into tears of joy and hugged his Chocobo. Yuna, overcome with emotion, threw her arms around Tidus and kissed him, causing a jealous Selphie to scream in rage and charge at the fairy…until the World Champion, smoking but otherwise undamaged from the explosion, flew out of the sky and hit her in the head, knocking her unconscious. Wakka and Chappu gawked at the sight of Yuna and Tidus' embrace, while Paine and Rikku smirked and ruefully shook their heads, thinking, "About time."

A few minutes later…

A somber mood had overtaken the beach. While all were thrilled that the Toilenator had been defeated, the memories of the dozens of Crusaders who had died fighting it loomed heavily on all their minds. Only a couple of lifeboats from the ship had managed to make it to shore after the Toilenator was defeated, all other hands lost at sea. Many other soldiers had also been killed or badly injured by the robot during the battle, but their bodies had been sucked up by the flushing toilet and destroyed completely when the monstrosity exploded, so they couldn't even be given a proper burial.

However, there was one thing they could do…

The Crusaders had straightened themselves up and lined up in formation, forming two blocks with an aisle down the middle leading to the pile of rubble which was all that remained of the Toilenator. Every soldier was ramrod-straight, eyes focused totally on whatever was in front of them, as they had been taught by Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari. The woman in question was standing to the side of the Toilenator wreckage, in a position where she could see if any of the soldiers was even the slightest bit out of sync with the others so that she could reprimand him or her for it. Auron and the kids stood on the other side of the wreck, waiting and watching. Selphie was still unconscious, but had been bound and gagged so that if she woke up she wouldn't make any disruptive noise to ruin the moment.

Jecht, carrying the World Champion under one arm and holding a large flag bearing the symbol of the Destiny Islands and the emblem of the Crusaders in his other hand, walked solemnly up the aisle, the Chocobo Knights and their steeds flanking him as an honor guard. In utter silence, he marched up between the ranks of his men to the pile of scrap and dirt, staring at it as if it were the only thing in the world that mattered.

Tidus swallowed, his throat feeling very dry, as he watched his father climb up the mound of wreckage, careful to avoid cutting himself on any sharp edges, until he reached the top. At a bark from Darlene, all the soldiers turned ninety degrees at the same time, so they were now facing forward and could see their commander standing atop the remnants of their slain enemy. Jecht, his expression unreadable, reached out and firmly planted the flag he had been carrying into a crevice on the ground, wedging it in so it wouldn't fall out anytime soon. He then slowly, almost reverently, placed a tattered armband and broken sword handed to him by Lucil at the base of the flag. They had both been taken, as custom dictated, from a dead Crusader whose face and body had been too devastated by battle damage to make any identification possible. As an unknown soldier, these artifacts taken from his (or her) form would represent all the Crusaders who had died in battle that day, symbolically laid atop the corpse of the foe which had slain them to demonstrate that even in death, those Crusaders had triumphed over their enemy.

In years to come, a monument would be built on this site to both commemorate the great victory that had been won here this day and also to honor the memory of all the brave Crusaders who had fallen in battle against the alien menace. It would be a great statue, a true work of art, depicting an androgynous Crusader in full combat regalia kicking the World Champion into a monstrous-looking toilet and causing it to shatter to pieces. A bronze plaque would be set at the statue's base detailing the relevant facts of the battle against the Toilenator and listing the number of casualties and dead caused by the giant monster. It would also have a signal beacon that would light up at night to keep ships from coming aground nearby. It would be a major tourist attraction (naturally), and bring in even more revenue for the Destiny Islands, which was one-third of the reason such a big monument would be built in the first place.

But that was for the future. The flag, the armband, and the sword were all the monument needed then and there. When his task was done, Jecht took a step back and made a salute, staring up at the flag blowing in the breeze with tears in his eyes. Tidus blinked back tears as he saluted too, noting peripherally that all his friends were doing the same thing. Naturally, the Crusaders saluted as well, but only when Darlene yelled at them to.

After a few long minutes, Jecht lowered his arm, turned, and started picking his way back down the scrap heap. The other Crusaders kept up their salute for a few minutes longer as he walked down the aisle, and then Darlene yelled, "Crusaders! Present arms!" All who had guns pulled them out and held them before them at the same time, as they had been taught. "Sound OFF!" The Crusaders lifted their guns, sighted, and fired them into the air with a sharp report. "1…2…3...Sound OFF!" Another report. "1…2…3…Sound OFF!" Another report. They repeated this process even after Jecht had left the aisle, until they had done it twelve times. After that, the ceremony was over, and the Crusaders began cleaning up the area and packing their things up to head back to base. Tidus and his friends were going back with them for debriefing and decontamination. Jecht would return later, as he was leading a small group to try and track down the aliens who had piloted the Toilenator, since everyone had seen them getting flung away when the robot exploded. They thought the aliens might have landed somewhere on the island, so were going to try and find them before heading back as well.

After getting checked up by the medic to make sure they were all right, and being given a preliminary decontamination screening, the group was loaded into the back of a pickup truck which would take them back to the Crusaders HQ in town. Darlene was up in front with the driver, while Auron sat in back with everyone else. The group of friends was silent for a while, trying to process everything that had happened that long day, especially near the end. They were all tired, and not certain what to do next, now that the crisis was over.

The quiet was broken when Paine suddenly spoke up. "You know, I think I'm warming up to this place."

These were the first words any of the group had said to each other since the ceremony had ended, so it took a moment for them to realize she had been talking to them. "What do you mean?" Yuna, sitting beside Tidus, asked her friend.

Paine shifted to get more comfortable. "I still want to find a way to get home to Fairyworld, but…I don't think I'm in as much of a hurry to leave as I was before." She smiled at the Destiny Island natives. "If everyone on this world is like you and those soldiers back there…I don't think I'd mind staying for a while."

"Me neither," Yuna said, smiling and hugging Tidus, causing the blond to flush.

"Awwww, so cute! Yunie's got a boyfriend!" Rikku sang. "About time!"

"Yes, I do," Yuna agreed, causing Tidus to almost choke and go into a surprised coughing fit while Wakka and Chappu laughed at him. "Now you two just need boyfriends, and we're all set!"

Rikku and Paine glanced at Wakka and Chappu. The brothers stopped laughing and turned pale. Eyes wide with horror, they quickly and loudly began protesting. "N-no way, mon! I'm dating Lulu!" Wakka yelled.

"Y-yeah, me too!" added Chappu.

Rikku frowned. "Well, you can't both be her boyfriend…can you?"

Wakka rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "It's, ah, kind of complicated, ya…"

"Just like Tidus' relationship with his dad! Er, sorry brudda," Chappu apologized quickly when Tidus glared at him.

"No, it's okay," Tidus said with a sigh after a moment. "We aren't really very close. But…" He shrugged. "I dunno. I think something's changed, today. Don't you think so, Auron?"

Auron, who had remained quiet for the time being, nodded. "I think so, too. And all it took to bring the two of you closer together was an attack from a giant toilet from outer space."

They laughed at that, and relaxed, and started discussing other things, like their adventures that day or in the past, and their families and homes and how different and yet similar they all were despite being from two separate worlds, while Selphie, still bound and gagged, dreamed of marrying a hunk of cheese.

…

Elsewhere, in a distant solar system…

In the darkness of outer space, all was silent, save for the rumbling music of the spheres (although it was too low for human ears to detect) and the sound of swords clashing, again and again, as a pair of incomparable warriors who didn't need to be bothered by something as insignificant as a lack of oxygen or the laws of physics fought each other with all their might. There was also very operatic music playing in the background, but that was a given.

"You cannot defeat me, Cloud," Sephiroth called to his nemesis seductively (ew, not that way) as he glided back from Cloud's savage attack. The spiky-haired warrior had managed to split his giant sword in two, and was trying to hack away at Sephiroth with both blades, to little avail. On the other hand, Sephiroth had been unable to do much damage to Cloud either with his incredibly long Masamune, so at the moment an outside observer would say they were probably still evenly matched. "The darkness in your heart knows no boundaries, and so neither do I."

"Shut up!" Cloud snarled, lunging at him with both swords. Sephiroth dove to the side and lashed out at Cloud as he passed by. Cloud deflected the strike with one of his swords and used the force generated by the blow to flip over and thrust his second sword at the one-winged angel's bare chest in what could have been a killing strike…

If Sephiroth's wing hadn't interceded, covering its master's chest and deflecting Cloud's blow. Cloud grimaced as the recoil from his failed attack sent him tumbling backwards through space. The damn appendage was harder than steel! Sephiroth laughed, amused by Cloud's futile struggle, and summoned a dozen or so balls of dark energy which streaked towards the spiky-haired swordsman. Cloud easily avoided, deflected, or destroyed the projectiles, just as Sephiroth knew he would. The incarnation of darkness smirked at Cloud as he watched his foe wear himself out. "You cannot conquer the darkness, Cloud. It's far too strong. Just give in already, and let it all end."

"Never!" Cloud howled, combining his two swords into one big blade again and lunging at Sephiroth with an overhead slash. "I will defeat you, and then my nightmare will end!"

Sephiroth cackled and easily repelled Cloud by holding the Masamune horizontally before him and thrusting against his opponent's strike, following it up with a swift and deadly twelve-strike combo which Cloud only barely managed to defend against. "Your nightmare will never end, Cloud. Not until you do." He spread his arms wide and sailed backwards, trailing black feathers in his wake. "Let me show you why you cannot win…why the dark side shall always prevail! Bear witness to this, my newest and most powerful technique!" Cloud steeled himself as Sephiroth began gathering power, not sure what to expect from his archnemesis. It could be a spell of dark magic, or an ultra-powerful sword strike, or something the likes of which he had never imagined. Whatever it was, though, he refused to let it overcome him. He would not allow Sephiroth to get the last laugh, not now, not ever!

Sephiroth threw his head back and laughed; a dark aura crackling around him and his theme song in the background rising in volume dramatically…and suddenly, a tremendous comet appeared out of nowhere, a great ball of fire with a tail millions of miles long, streaking through space. It passed by the two swordsmen, sending them flying in its wake, and approached what had once been the ninth planet of the solar system they were currently in, but had recently been downgraded by the system's inhabitants to 'dwarf planet' because they thought it was too small to be a 'real' planet. The poor stellar object's luck was about to get a lot worse, sad to say, as the giant comet collided with the dwarf planet, shattering it completely and allowing the comet to continue unhindered on its path of destruction. It passed the eighth and seventh planets without destroying them, and only flew through the enormous rings of the sixth planet, a gas giant, obliterating a number of the rock, ice, and dust particles making up those rings and altering their layout completely. The comet then approached the fifth planet, a tremendous gas giant and largest object in the solar system save for the sun, and passed through it, tearing a huge hole right through its center and causing it to explode moments after the comet had flown away. Passing through the asteroid belt separating the inner ring of the solar system from the gas planets and stellar objects outside, the comet shot by the four tiny, solid planets orbiting nearby and smashed into the sun, ripping out of the other side and continuing on its way. However, its collision with the sun was not without consequence. By ramming into the star and tearing right through it, the comet had caused a catastrophic chain reaction which caused the sun to go nova many millions of years early, exploding outward in a horrific ball of pure heat and energy which vaporized the four solid planets as it expanded (causing the people inhabiting the third planet to die in horrible burning agony), engulfing the asteroid belt and the last three gas planets as well as it proceeded to consume the entire solar system.

Cloud and Sephiroth stared at the ball of fiery nuclear death slowly approaching them, jaws dropped in disbelief. "Holy shit," Cloud said finally.

"Y-yes," said Sephiroth. "Er, I mean, such is the power of the dark side! No mortal can defy such awesome, omnipotent might!" Good lord, did I do that?!

Actually, he had not. The comet responsible for the total destruction of that solar system had not been summoned by Sephiroth at all, and for that matter wasn't even a comet! If an outside observer had a powerful enough telescope capable of penetrating the flaming exterior of the great ball of fire, he or she would see that at its core were two beings of unfathomable might, locked in a struggle of unbelievably cosmic consequence as they grappled for dominance!

"Whoo-ee, didja see that?" Satan remarked as he tried to strangle Oberon with his lower arms, pummeling the Fae lord's face with his upper-left arm while using his upper-right to grip Oberon's left wrist and keep it out of the way. Oberon had managed to keep his right arm free and was furiously trying to break the demon king's grip on his neck, to little avail. Oberon's legs were also free, and kicking at Satan's spider-like ones to keep them from skewering his lower body. "Good thing we moved away from Dark City…I think we caused a heckuva lotta collateral damage back there! Not that either of us care, though, we're both pretty heartless that way, huh?"

"Cease your prattling, demon!" Oberon snarled, gathering magical energy. "And…RELEASE ME!" His aura flared and erupted in an incredible explosion which destroyed the flaming energy sphere that had formed around them due to their epic struggle…but while it buffeted Satan, it utterly failed to shake the demon king off, or even faze him in the slightest.

"What, that all you got?!" Satan guffawed, punching Oberon again. "Come on, dawg, I know you can do better!"

"Quite right!" Oberon snarled, eyes crackling with energy. "How about this?!" Laser beams of incredible power seared forth from his eyes, aimed at Satan's face.

Satan wasn't bothered by this attack, either. His shades glinted, and when Oberon's lasers struck them, there was a flash of energy, and then the beams were reflected right back into the elf's face, causing him to cry out in pain and throw his head back, eyes squeezed shut and temporarily blinded, his face sizzling. "Whoa there, looks to me like your tan's not finished! Here, let me give you a HAND!" Releasing Oberon's wrist, he reared back with his upper-right arm. The Leviathan hell-serpent wrapped around the limb hissed and reared its head, opening its jaws wide and unleashing a blast of fire right into Oberon's face, causing him to scream again. "Whoops, looks like I used too much heat, I was just trying to give you a tan, not melt your face off! Or was I? Bwahahahaha!"

However, it seemed that releasing Oberon's left arm was a mistake, because now the Fae lord had both arms free. He used this to his advantage at once, thrusting both of them forward and pressing his palms into a surprised Satan's face. Before the demon king could pull them off, Oberon unleashed a very powerful blast of magical energy point-blank into Satan's face. Even with the reflective sunglasses, Oberon was betting that attack would hurt, and he was right. Satan roared in pain and released Oberon's neck, clapping all four hands to his burning face, allowing Oberon to get some much-needed space and heal his face. Snarling in fury, Oberon gathered his power and fired two tremendous beams of raw magic from his hands, knowing that relying on particular elements would have little effect against the ruler of Hell, assuming that the other six demons he was drawing power from provided him with protection against certain elements the same way Lucifer granted him immunity to holy or light-based attacks.

Growling, Satan withdrew his hands as he recovered from the previous attack and thrusted all four hands forward, releasing a blast of pure evil energy drawn from the deepest pits of his domain to counter Oberon's assault. The two opposing streams of raw energy collided between the two combatants, pushing back and forth against each other, gaining and losing ground in a power struggle between Oberon and Satan which, for the moment, seemed to be tied. Oberon drew on more of the magic he had stolen, and Satan called forth more power from his legions and prisoners in Hell, increasing the strength of both attacks and causing them to push against each other with such force that they exploded terrifically, sending the two duelists flying backwards millions of miles in opposite directions.

The two quickly recovered though, and sailed back through space towards each other, gathering power for the next clash. Oberon sprouted six extra arms and conjured swords to hold in each hand, each a powerful (and enlarged) legendary sword which he had taken from the chapel in Maleficent's castle using the Crystal of Ix, along with the warriors who wielded them. Satan, on the other hand, conjured a big iron trident to wield in his upper-left arm, while his lower arms snapped off two of his spider legs, straightened them, and wielded them like spears, while the hell-serpent on his upper right-arm shrieked and trailed fire from its mouth. His other legs flexed upwards, stiffening to form four more spears aimed forward at Oberon. Covering great tracts of space in seconds, the combatants collided, engaging in battle once more. Oberon's eight swords clashed against Satan's spears and trident, sparks flying as they came together again and again, thrusting and slashing and parrying in their struggle to overcome the other. Oberon's four lowest arms managed to sever the spider legs they were dueling with, causing them to drift off into space, darkness oozing from them and from the wriggling stumps still attached to Satan's body.

Satan grimaced, but managed to thrust forward with both of his lower arms and drove the spears he was holding into two of Oberon's shoulder joints, piercing them and causing the attached arms to flail helplessly, losing their grip on their swords as they tried to remove the spears driven through them. The two blades slipped from the wounded hands and tumbled slowly away into space. Some of Oberon's swords slashed down to cut off the offending limbs, but Satan let go of his spears and pushed himself backwards before his arms could get chopped off, spreading his wings and firing several hundred feather-like arrows of light from them at Oberon. The Fae lord put off pulling out the spears in his arms long enough to cross his six remaining swords before him as a shield to deflect the arrows. He retaliated to the attack in kind once it was over by slashing at the air with his swords, sending several energy blades spiraling through the air towards Satan.

Satan spun his trident in front of him, deflecting the energy blades, and then lashed out with his upper right arm, the hell-serpent spitting a tremendous fireball at Oberon. Oberon's eyes flashed, generating a burst of psychic force which caused the fireball to explode. However, in that split second when his focus was diverted, Satan's severed limbs, which Oberon had stopped paying attention to after he had cut them off, struck the Fae lord from behind, flying through space at incredible velocities and piercing through his back and out his front, causing him to gasp and spit up blood and ichor, similar bodily fluids oozing out from where the spider legs were sticking out of his chest.

While Oberon was gasping for breath, Satan shot forward and drove his trident into Oberon's torso, burying the three tines of his weapon in the giant elf's body. The iron in the trident immediately began to poison Oberon, causing his hair to shrivel up and his skin to wither from a healthy blue to a dull, decayed brown. His swords flickered and vanished, and two of his eight arms faded back into his body as Oberon's power weakened. Satan grinned and laughed, and pushed his trident further into Oberon's body. The Fae gasped…but managed to regain some strength, despite the poisonous iron penetrating his body. With two of his four remaining arms, he grabbed the shaft of the trident, ignoring how it burned his hands, and with his other two arms, reached out and grabbed Satan's shoulders. As Satan gave him a perplexed look, Oberon gritted what few teeth hadn't rotted away due to the iron infection and simultaneously pushed with one set of arms and pulled with the other, dragging Satan closer to him and causing the demon king to impale himself on the butt of his trident, which rammed through the open Hellmouth in his torso and ripped out through the stomach of the shapely female form growing from his back. Satan roared in pain and fury, while the female on his back shrieked in agony. Oberon cackled madly, drawing back one of his arms and stretching out the withered claw-like fingers on his hand, intending to thrust it forward and spear his fingers through Satan's eyes, destroying those abominable sunglasses in the process.

Before he could do that, however, Satan's afro abruptly leaped off of his head, sprouting four bat wings, a circular fanged mouth at the bottom, and a single eyeball on a tendril extending from the middle. As Oberon stared at the living chapeau in disbelief, the animate afro screeched shrilly and swooped down on him, landing on top of the elf's head. As Oberon blinked incredulously, thinking to himself how stupid he must have looked wearing an afro, the living hairpiece hissed and suddenly buried its fangs into the top of the elf ruler's skull.

Oberon howled in pain as the parasite drove its teeth into his brain, allowing Satan to grab his trident with his upper left hand, pressing all three of his others against Oberon's chest and releasing an incredibly powerful energy blast that ripped the elf off the trident and sent him tumbling away through space. Satan grunted, then got a better grip on the trident stuck through his chest and wrenched it out, causing trails of darkness and magma to spurt out from both sides before the wounds sealed up. Sighing in relief, he whistled. The spider legs he had rammed through Oberon's body and shoulders, as well as his afro, wiggled and violently ripped free from the Fae lord, causing the elf to cry out as more blood gushed everywhere. The limbs and hairdo raced back through space and eagerly reattached themselves to the devil king's body, making him complete once more. "Whoo, you're a feisty one, dawg!" Satan said, flying over as Oberon panted and tried to recover from his wounds, his skin regaining its regular color and his hair growing back. "Still, I thought you could do better than that! That ain't really all you got, is it dawg? If so, there's no way you're gonna win, you need a lot more power than that to last three rounds with the Master of Evil!"

Oberon snarled at Satan, an odd gleam in his eye. "You know…I do believe you're right, demon. I have not yet tapped into the full potential of my stolen magic…but if what I've used so far is so ineffective, then it is clear I must obtain more power. And I think I know just where to get it, too!" He vanished in a flash of light.

Satan blinked. He glanced around in confusion. Then, slowly, an expression of utter fury and indignation twisted his face. "Oh…oh NO! He did not just go there!" Flames angrily blazed out from all over his body. "I don't care who this sucka thinks he is, but no one, I repeat, no one, runs out on a fight with the main man!" His eyes flared underneath his sunglasses. "That fool's gonna suffer for this. Hehehehe…" He grinned sinisterly. "More than he was already gonna, anyway. Oh, I can't wait to see the look on his face when he finds out what I've been up to in his hood while he's been out!" With a malevolent booming laugh, he vanished in a burst of darkness…

And space was silent once again.

…

The interior of Oberon, on the other hand…

"I think we're lost," Sora said.

Pete rolled his eyes. "Gee, what gave you that idea, Einstein?"

Oberon's insides were much like what you would expect any giant being's insides to be like: damp, dim, and kind of smelly. Sora, Pete and Goofy were currently wandering down one of what seemed to be a virtually endless series of round, maroon, and clearly organic tunnels. Wriggling bacteria and cilia on the walls provided illumination, but the lighting was kind of creepy and only served to make the tunnels that much eerier. Fortunately, they had yet to encounter any sort of hostile resistance to their being there…for the moment, anyway.

"Gawrsh, fellas, I'm sure we're not lost, it's just that all these passages look almost exactly the same, a-hyuck," Goofy said. He paused, looking at one of the walls. "Say, does that there wiggling tentacle-thingy look familiar?" The other two groaned.

Shortly, they found themselves at an intersection. "So, which way do we go now?" Pete asked.

"Um…" Sora looked around him uncertainly, at all the passages that looked exactly the same. He was having trouble telling which one they had just come out of. They really were lost.

Why don't you use that keychain Satan gave us? He said it'd be helpful, Roxas suggested.

Yeah, but this is the Devil we're talking about. I'm only going to use that as a last resort. Let's try something else first… Sora closed his eyes and held his Keyblade, currently in Fenrir form, out before him. Then, he started spinning around in circles.

Goofy scratched his head in confusion. "Uh, Sora, what are you doing?"

Pete's eyes widened in horror. "Aw, crap, not this again! Quick, get down!" He dropped to the floor.

Goofy blinked. "Huh? What for—wa-hoo-hoo-hooey!" he screamed, jumping to the side before the Keyblade, hurled by Sora, could take his head off.

The door-opening sword whistled through the air and imbedded itself in the roof of one of the tunnels. Sora opened his eyes and smiled triumphantly when he saw where his weapon had gotten to. "We go that way!" he said, pointing down the tunnel. That's when the fleshy substance the Keyblade had imbedded itself in started convulsing violently, causing the entire tunnel complex to begin shaking. "Uh, that can't be good."

"You idjit!" Pete roared. "This's part of a living thing, not an inanimate castle! Do something crazy like that, attacking or hurting part of the big organism, and you'll draw all sorts of unwanted attention to us!"

Pete's prediction proved correct, in a flash of light they found themselves surrounded by a huge swarm of glowing Unseelie, clearly acting at Oberon's white blood cells. The evil Fae screeched horribly and attacked the trio. Sora, the voice in his head cursing vehemently, quickly called his Keyblade back to him and joined his allies in fighting the beasts.

One very long fight against endless numbers, followed by a desperate escape, later…

The party was gasping for breath, hands on their knees, trying to recover from the long and frantic dash they had made to safety. "God…huff…damn it…" Pete gasped, lying on the floor in exhaustion. "I…pant…hate running…"

"Well…huff….looks like we lost 'em," Goofy commented, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Yeah, and ourselves too," Sora sighed, catching his breath. "I don't think I should try that trick again anytime soon."

Gee, you think?! Roxas said sarcastically.

"Hey, brat, why don't you try that keychain thingy Satan gave you?" Pete asked, sitting up, careful not to let his iron mace touch the floor or any other part of the organic tunnel, for fear of summoning another wave of Unseelie. "He said it might come in handy."

Isn't that what I said? Roxas grumbled.

Sora frowned and pulled out the weird-looking keychain he had been given, contemplating it for a moment. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yeah, I mean, this's Satan we're talking about!" Goofy agreed. "The guy's known as the Prince of Lies, we can't really trust him, can we?"

"No, not really," Pete admitted. "But he wants to save Maleficent as much as we do. Well, as much as I do, anyway. So, he didn't really have much of a choice but to give us something at least moderately helpful, otherwise he knows we might never be able to rescue her! O 'course, there's probably some nasty side effect, since this is my father-in-law-to-be we're talking about, but hopefully it won't be too bad, because if it were it would get in the way of saving his daughter, know what I mean?"

"So in other words, it'll probably be bad in the long run, but not in the short?" Sora interpreted.

Pete nodded. "Or vice versa. Something like that."

Sora sighed. "Well, I don't think we have much of a choice at the moment…unless we want to try that pathfinding trick of mine again-"

"NO!" Pete and Goofy both yelled frantically.

"Possibly cursed keychain it is, then." Sora unhooked the Fenrir keychain from his Keyblade and stuck it back in his pocket. Then, taking a deep breath, he attached the Hellblazer keychain to his weapon. For a moment, nothing seemed to happen. And then…

The trio jumped as the keychain flashed, and fire blazed up all the way from the Keyblade's hilt to the tip, startling Sora and nearly causing him to drop his weapon as it was engulfed in flames. Bolts of black and white energy crackled up the length of the blade, causing sparks to fly everywhere and nearly light Pete's hair on fire.

Wow, Roxas thought in amazement, as he and Sora watched the Keyblade transform before them. Is this a good thing…or a bad thing? Sora wasn't too certain himself.

Finally, the fire flaked away, extinguishing itself and revealing the Hellblazer Keyblade. It was pretty impressive-looking, rather than a single shaft the blade had two, interlocking and twisting about each other like a pair of snakes, one white and the other black. The white one was smooth and fluted, somewhat pretty really, with blue runes glowing in soft blue light along its curving length. The black shaft, on the other hand, was jagged and angular, rather unsightly, with numerous thorns and spikes sprouting from its sides and angry-looking red sigils burning on its surface. The twin shafts joined together at the very end of the weapon, forming a golden spiral-grooved cone with gems set into it for a tip. The Keyblade had three 'key' prongs, one on the white shaft and two on the black. The white prong was shaped like a bat wing, which was odd since it was pale as ivory, while the black prongs looked like raven wings, such as the wings of darkness Sephiroth touted. The hilt guard was formed from a pair of similar wings, except the white wing was like a bird's and the black wing was like a bat's, curved around the handle and meeting at the bottom.

"Whoa," said an awestruck Sora.

Wicked, Roxas said eagerly.

"Gawrsh, that's quite a neat blade!" exclaimed Goofy. "Feels kinda weird, though…"

"So, that thing telling you where you need to go?" Pete asked.

Sora frowned. "No…it's…" He blinked, eyes going unfocused. "Something…feels weird…" He grimaced and clutched his head. "Ugh…my…HEAD! Feels like it's splitting in…half!" As he said this, a glowing line suddenly ran down from the top of his head to his groin and up the backside, dividing his body into two identical halves. The Keyblade started glowing brilliantly, as did the line dividing Sora in half, and then the boy himself began to glow…

And then, with a sound like an explosion in reverse, the two halves of Sora were split apart, each one hurtling several feet away and hitting the soft, spongy floor with a thud. (Thankfully, it wasn't enough of an impact to summon the Unseelie.)The two halves lay there as Pete and Goofy gaped wordlessly, the glow slowly fading to reveal a pair of humanoid figures, each of which somewhat resembled Sora.

"Aw, shit," Pete said finally.

"SORA!" Goofy cried, running to the nearest boy-shaped form and lifting it in his arms. "Sora, speak to me!" He blinked. "Hey, wait, you're not Sora."

And it wasn't. The boy who shook Goofy off and staggered to his feet, clutching a Keyblade comprised solely from the white half of the Hellblazer, looked a lot like Sora but was most definitely not him. For one thing, his hair, while spiky, wasn't quite the same shape as Sora's, plus it was blond. Also, instead of Sora's usual red and black clothes, the boy was wearing a white short-sleeved jacket over a black zip-up vest with a large arrow-tipped metal X for the zipper. He had baggy jeans that were black on top and gray on the bottom for some reason. His sneakers were black with gray soles and red straps holding them together. He wore a checkered wristband on his left arm and a black and white cloth ring on his index and middle fingers. "Um…no," said the boy, blinking and looking just as surprised to see Goofy as Goofy was to see him. "I'm Roxas."

"Who?" Goofy and Pete asked, dumbfounded.

"You know, Sora's Nobody, Number XIII of the Organization, the little voice in his head…" Roxas prompted.

"Oh, right!" Pete said. "I remember you; you're that figment of Sora's imagination or split personality or somethin', right?"

Roxas glared at him. "Well, I suppose that's one way of looking at it…"

"Gawrsh, now I remember, we saw you after we beat Xemnas at the top of the Castle that Never Was…wait, but if you're here, then where's Sora?!" Goofy cried.

"Um, I'm right here," said the other human-shaped figure that had split off from Sora moments ago, getting to his feet.

The trio turned to look…and Goofy screamed and jumped into a terrified Pete's arms, while Roxas blinked in astonishment. "Bro?!" he said. "Is that you?!"

"Yeah," the thing said in Sora's voice. "Why is everyone looking at me like I'm a monster or something?"

"Um, that's kind of because you are," Roxas said.

"Huh?" The thing with Sora's voice looked down at himself and saw that he was a Sora-shaped Heartless, complete with black skin, clothes so dark that they almost blended in with the rest of his form, streams of darkness swirling off of his flesh, eerie yellow eyes, claws, a jagged mouth, and spiky hair. He was holding a Keyblade that looked like the black half of the Hellblazer in one hand. "Oh. So I am. That's weird. Wonder how that happened."

"It musta been that cursed keychain!" Pete realized, dropping Goofy unceremoniously to the ground. "Satan musta given it the power to split you boys apart or something!"

"Oh yeah, that explains it," Roxas said.

"Makes perfect sense," agreed the Heartless Sora. "And that's why I'm a Heartless again, because without my Nobody, that's all that's left of me…or something…"

"G-g-g-gawrsh, Sora, y-y-you're n-n-n-not g-gonna gulp e-e-e-eat our h-h-hearts, are you?" Goofy stammered in terror.

"Hmm? Nah, don't worry. I wouldn't do that, you're my friends! Well, Goofy anyway," Sora reassured him, causing Pete to grimace. "Besides, Roxas got all my evil, just like he did the last time he was formed, so it's really him you should watch out for."

"He is?" asked a confused Goofy.

"This is so cool!" Roxas said to himself. "Now that I'm real again, I can do all the stuff I've always dreamed of! Like…killing Riku! And sleeping with Namine, whether she wants to or not! And…um…killing Riku! This is gonna be sweet!"

"Ah," said Goofy.

"Yep, sure seems evil to me," Pete agreed.

"What're you guys talking about?" Roxas asked.

"Nothing," they all said quickly.

"K. But, anyway, bro, isn't this great?! We're finally split apart! Weren't we just talking about this earlier?" Roxas said to Sora.

Sora nodded eagerly. "Yeah, this is better than we ever could have imagined! Won't Mom be thrilled?"

"Yeah, she's been hinting she wouldn't mind having a second helping hand around the house for a while now…" Roxas frowned. "Of course, this'd mean we'd have to sleep in separate beds, assuming I don't get a new room. I call top bunk."

"What? No way! That's not fair!" Sora protested. "We don't even have a bunk bed!"

"Yet," Roxas said with an evil grin. "But when we do, I'm gonna get top! I've got dibs!"

Sora hung his head in disappointment. "Aw, man…"

Goofy and Pete stared in disbelief as the brotherly banter continued. "Now that I'm free, I can finally sleep with all the hot women I've dreamed of! And men…"

"Uh, no you don't, not while I'm chaperoning," Sora said sternly.

"Ha! Not anymore you're not, now that we're split, you can't control me anymore!" Roxas boasted. "Plus, I think most people would attack you on sight, now that you're a Heartless."

"Huh?" Sora blinked. His eyes widened in horror. "Oh, shit, you're right! Crapcrapcrap, I can't go home looking for this, the Crusaders might kill me on sight! And if they don't, I wouldn't be surprised if Mom did by accident…um…shit, do you think Kairi can fix this?"

Roxas blinked. "Fix it?"

"Yeah, she turned me back to normal the last time I became a Heartless, remember?"

Roxas frowned. "Oh, right…" There went his plans for all the mischief and havoc he could wreak with his brother the Heartless. Oh well. "Hey, do you suppose we could find a way to split Kairi and Namine apart, too?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, that would be cool, wouldn't it?" Sora realized.

"Yeah, because it would be sort of awkward to date them while they're still stuck in the same body," said Roxas. "I mean, how would that work? Would we take turns? Or would we all go out at the same time? Imagine how awkward that would be…especially in bed! Hmm, I wonder how would Riku feel about that?"

Sora flushed, or he would have, if Heartless had blood that could flow to their cheeks. "Roxas!"

"What? I know you were thinking the same thing!" Roxas accused.

"I was not!"

"Of course you were, I'm you, remember? I know your mind! If I was thinking it, so were you!" Roxas affirmed.

Sora shook his head. "Nuh-uh! You're all my evil, pent-up aggression, and perverted-ness! I've got none of the nasty stuff you have now that we've split up!"

Roxas smirked. "Says the talking Heartless."

Sora grimaced. "Aw man…"

"Uh, boys, sorry to interrupt," said a totally perplexed Goofy. "But…um…now that you two are all, you know, split up, a-hyuck, what exactly do we do now?"

There was a pause. Both halves of Sora got contemplative looks on their faces. "Um…good question," Roxas admitted.

Sora frowned. "Satan said this keychain would help us out…but other than allowing Roxas and me to split up, I don't really see what the point is."

"And what's the downside of it, anyway?" Pete wondered. "I mean, if the Devil gave it to you, it's gotta have a downside!"

Sora laughed. "Isn't it obvious? The downside is that Roxas has been unleashed onto the universe once more!"

"Hey!" Roxas snapped. He paused. Then a sinister expression came over his face. "Heh, I like that. The return of Roxas, last of the dread Organization XIII! Er, next to Zexion, that is. May the universe tremble before me as I shatter worlds and take all the hot babes and guys to my bed! Bwahahahahaha!" He stopped, noticing the other three looking at him uneasily. "What? I was joking! Sorta."

The four started brainstorming, trying to figure out just what the benefit of this new keychain was and how it would help them. After a few moments, Pete struck on the answer. "Oh! Oh! I got it!" he cried. "Merlin said we gotta find Oberon's heart, right? 'Cause that's where the Crystal of Ix and all the people he's kidnapped are!" The other three nodded. "So…what's better at finding a heart than a Heartless?"

Realization dawned on them. "Whoa, that's brilliant!" Roxas said. "Didn't know you had it in you, Pete!"

"That's gotta be it!" Goofy said. "Sora, can you find Oberon's heart?"

"Hmm…" Sora tapped his chin with a claw thoughtfully. He sniffed the air. "Hold on." His Keyblade disappearing, he crouched down on all fours and sniffed at the ground. He raised his head up, looked around, and crawled over to the wall. They watched in amazement as, still sniffing, he climbed up the wall and onto the ceiling. He turned around in a few circles, sniffing about, before stiffening and pointing back the way they had come. "That-a-way!"

They quickly rushed back up the tunnel, Sora scampering across the ceiling and leading the way, until they reached an intersection. When they did, Sora sniffed the air again, and then set off down a different passageway, leading them deeper into Oberon's body. He repeated this at every intersection they came to, and after a while the similar-looking corridors began getting redder and fleshier, and a gradual downward slant was noticeable in the floor.

"I think we're on the right track," Goofy said optimistically when they stopped for a moment to rest.

Pete, panting and trying to catch his breath after all the running they had been doing, wiped away some sweat from his brow. "How can you be so sure? Feels like we've been running through this place for miles and miles!"

"I know we're going the right way," Sora said confidently, dropping down from the ceiling. "I can smell it in the air. I can't really describe it, but…I just know, without a doubt, that Oberon's heart is this way. Is this how Riku's heightened senses work? Interesting..."

"Riku…that reminds me, I still have to kill him," Roxas commented.

"What'd Riku ever do to you, anyway?" asked an appalled Goofy.

"Beat me up, kidnapped me, helped DiZ reprogram my brain, then shunted me into a virtual reality based on Twilight Town as part of a plan to reintegrate me with Sora that took absolutely none of my personal feelings and hopes into account," Roxas said flatly.

"Oh."

"We have to rescue the kid first," Pete said, stretching his back and legs to work out some kinks in them. "Then you can kill him."

"Okay," said Roxas, finding that perfectly reasonable.

"Let's keep going," Sora said. "We're at least halfway there."

"Only half?!" moaned Pete. "Aw, man, why do we have to do all this walking?" Grumbling and muttering and complaining under his breath, Pete followed the others as Sora led them deeper into Oberon's innards.

…

What none of the four intrepid heroes knew as they trekked through the Fae lord's body was that they were being watched at that moment by the very foe they had sworn to defeat. How could this be possible, you wonder, if Oberon was currently fleeing Satan in search of more power? It was quite easy, actually. For a being with mental powers as advanced as Oberon's, it was simplicity itself to divide his consciousness so that he could focus on more than one matter at once. So while one part of him was concentrated totally on locating the magic he needed to defeat Satan, another part of Oberon was observing the approaching heroes (and antiheroes) with disgust.

"So, those pitiful mortals think that they can defeat me?" he sneered. "Ha! What fools. I shall greatly enjoy proving their bravado and overconfidence falsely placed. And after I have dealt with them, and that buffoon Satan, and drained magic from all the worlds…I shall seek out Merlin and make him pay for this treachery!"

Cape swishing behind him, he whirled around to face the now-enormous Crystal of Ix floating in the center of his heart-space, dispassionately observing the poor souls trapped within, frozen in time and space and utterly unable to do anything to oppose him. Somewhat ominous-looking energy was crackling around the jewel as the magic within started reacting negatively to being mixed together, but the Fae lord paid it no heed. Oberon smirked triumphantly. "They honestly believe they have a chance…that because they have a sentient Heartless and the Keyblades on their side, that they can strike me down and unleash the power that I have obtained."

His features twisted into a sinister grin. "They think they can win…because they have the power of the Keyblade…" He started chuckling. "The Keyblade. Heh. Heheheheh…" He stretched out his arms, his chuckle deepening into a laugh. "Hahahahahaha!" There was a flash of light, and King Mickey's Reverse Kingdom Key appeared in his left hand. "Ahahahahahahahaha!" There was a burst of darkness, and Riku's Way to the Dawn appeared in Oberon's right hand. "Wahahahahahahaha!" The elf threw back his head and kept laughing, as Kairi's flowery Keyblade and Nosimono's dark Keyblade both appeared next, floating obediently in the air around him. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Oberon's prisoners could only watch mutely, their eyes frozen open in horror, cursed with the knowledge that Sora and Roxas would soon be fighting an opponent the likes of which neither of them had ever really confronted before. (Unless you counted that one time in Hollow Bastion where Xehanort possessed Riku and used that dark Keyblade.)

Another Keybearer of unfathomable power…one who had no problem with bringing all worlds to ruin.

…

The three armored figures stared into the pool in disbelief. "Well, fuck," said the shorter male.

"You're telling me," agreed the female. "Now can we do something?! Surely stealing a Keyblade, let alone four of them, is an offense requiring our personal intervention!"

"Normally, yes," the largest figure said. "However, the circumstances in which Oberon has obtained these Keyblades are…irregular, to say the least. Since he gained the Keyblades by absorbing their true wielders and making them a part of himself, if only for the time being, he is technically their rightful wielder…so long as he still keeps the true Keybearers imprisoned within himself."

"That's bullshit!" the shorter male cried.

"It is," agreed the taller male. "Unfortunately, there has never been a time when something like this has occurred before now, and so there has never been a law to punish it. Oberon has, unluckily for us, found a loophole in the rules. If he had stolen those Keyblades by any other method, we could punish him, but because there is no precedent for this occasion, we can do nothing."

"We really have to get around to changing those blasted rules," the female grumbled.

"After this crisis has passed, we can make a law to prevent something like this from ever happening again. But until that has happened, there is still nothing we can do," the largest said.

"Why is that?" asked the female.

"Because even though Oberon stole those Keyblades, the fact that he has absorbed their rightful wielders technically makes him a Keybearer, and thus subject to our protection as well as our penalties, for we are the guardians of the Keyblade," the largest explained.

"But he's a thief! And crazy and evil!" the shorter male protested.

"He may have stolen his Keyblades, but since there was no law prohibiting the specific manner in which he has stolen them, we cannot punish him. And there have been many crazy and evil Keybearers before him," the largest pointed out. "You know that as well as I. As the guardians of the Keyblade, we have no choice but to stay neutral and protect all Keybearers, no matter how vile they are, and do nothing unless they break the sacred laws which we uphold. After all, it is not we who decides who receives the Keyblade's power, we are merely the enforcers of the law. It is up to a higher power to decide who gains the Key…and what a person does with that power is their own choice, not ours."

"Wait," the female said. "If he's subject to our protection, but also to our laws, that means…"

"All we have to do is wait until he breaks one, and then we can punish him! Right?" the shorter male asked eagerly.

The tallest nodded…but there was uneasiness in his motions. "Yes…however…while we can punish him for the breaking of a law, there is only one crime for which we may remove his Keyblades and retrieve the wielders he has imprisoned. The most sacred rule of the Keybearers: 'Thou shalt not kill another who wields the Key.'"

It took a moment for his companions to realize the full implications of this. "No…you can't mean…" the female whispered in horror.

"That's ridiculous!" cried the shorter male.

"I am afraid it is the rule," the tallest said with a deep sigh. "For us to be allowed to intervene directly and strip Oberon of his power…he must be guilty of slaying another Keybearer. For us to act directly, either Sora or Roxas must die by his hand."

…

TO BE CONTINUED…

…

Well, I bet you weren't expecting that little twist, were you? Come back next time, for when the action really gets started…