Act IV, Scene 1: Leave the Gravedigger's Scene

A graveyard.

Enter Hamlet and Horatio.

Hamlet: Look at this letter, Horatio. My uncle wants to send me to England. So I can get some rest, he says. Send me to England, huh? Well, I'm not going to England. What do you think about that?

Horatio: I think it would be very wise not to go.

Enter Gravedigger.

Hamlet: And what is thy name, hale and hearty one?

Gravedigger: They do call me "Leave."

Hamlet: Leave the Gravedigger?

Horatio walks away.

Hamlet: Hey, where are you going?

Horatio: But you just said - oh, never mind.

Hamlet: And how long hast thou been a gravedigger?

Gravedigger: Ever since I got out of the navy. Why, I started the very day young Prince Hamlet was born - he that is mad.

Hamlet: I heard the king sent him to England.

Gravedigger: Now there's a switch.

Hamlet: How so?

Gravedigger: I do but mean
That Britain is an island; 'twere his custom
To leave an island - or at least to try -
And not to go thereto.

Hamlet: (Picks up skull.) Whose skull is this?

Gravedigger: Why, this was the late king's jester, Old Yorick.

Hamlet: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. Old Yorick. And I knew his son - a giant among men.

Horatio: You mean. . . ?

Hamlet: Uh huh. New Yorick, giant.

Horatio: I never. . . met him.

Hamlet: He must have dodged you. (Addresses skull.) Where are your jokes now? My father's a ghost, my mother's a vampire, my uncle's a murderer. . . and here I am in a graveyard, talking to a skull. What is this - Halloween?

Horatio: Well, you're certainly dressed for it.

Gravedigger: Well, gentlemen, I must be about my work. People are dying to get in here, you know!

Hamlet: I give you leave to leave, Leave.

Exit Gravedigger.

Enter Laertes.

Laertes: O prince! 'Twas on your account that my father lost his job at your uncle's court and had to go to the poorhouse! And my sister has lost her mind because you trifled with her affections! Fit to govern? Nay, not fit to live!

Weeps, stamps foot.

Thou'rt terrible! I hate you!

Hamlet: Oh. Shall we fight a duel then?

Laertes: A duel? With what?

Hamlet: How about coconut cream pies at 20 paces?

Laertes: Coconut cream pies? Ha! That's a laugh! Where would you even get a coconut cream pie without me - I mean, without my sister to bake one for you?

Hamlet: Okay, well - spearguns, then?

Laertes: Agreed.

Exit Laertes.

Hamlet: Boy. Maybe I should have gone to England. The people there can't be any crazier than they are here!

Exeunt.