AN: Hey everyone! I'm finally back! Sorry about the long wait, my first week of classes was extremely busy! I wanted to say a big thank you to Tribot for her sweet message! You and the rest of the reviewers are what keep me writing and make me want to post quicker! Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter!
Disclaimer: Although I feel slightly like J.K. because each chapter I write gets longer and longer, I am not her. Therefore, it must follow that I do not own Harry Potter or the wizarding world.
"You look awful, Prongs," said Sirius as James appeared at the breakfast table the following morning. His hair was unkempt, his robes were extremely wrinkled, and he had prominent, dark circles under his eyes.
"Sod off, Padfoot," growled James. Although his shoulder had been mostly healed - he had several scars running across his shoulder that he suspected would never fully go away - he had a pounding headache and he felt completely defeated.
"What happened last night after Madame Pomphery kicked us out?" asked Sirius as he shoved half of a slice of toast into his mouth.
"It took Lily a half-hour to calm down. But even in her sleep she cried out a lot. I didn't get much sleep," admitted James, ripping his toast into strips but not eating them. His stomach felt a little queasy.
"How much of her memory did she loose?" asked Peter excitedly.
"I don't know. I wasn't allowed to see her this morning. Madame Pomphery was afraid she'd freak out again," said James grumpily.
"You have to admit, Prongs. You are one scary-looking bloke," said Sirius, who had a glob of marmalade on his nose. James was going to tell him, but after that comment, he didn't bother.
"You're just jealous of my gorgeous body," said James with the shadow of a smirk on his face.
"Has anyone seen Moony this morning?" Peter asked over his bowl of cereal. He had his mouth lowered to the rim of the bowl and was slurping milk and cereal quickly. Even Sirius made a face of disgust.
"No, but he'll turn up soon enough. We've got Potions first thing this morning, and Remus won't want to be late," said Sirius with a groan.
"Ugh, why did I have to promise Dumbledore that I'd go to the rest of my classes this week? Maybe if I just sneak into the hospital wing again and try to talk to Lily," began James, but he didn't finish his sentence. He couldn't sneak in and watch over Lily today. If she saw him, she might start screaming again. That would definitely alert Madame Pomphery, and he'd be in trouble. Not to mention that he didn't want to frighten Lily.
"I'm sorry, Prongs," said Sirius quietly.
"Yeah, well, I guess it can't be avoided. Let's go to class," said James, swinging his bag up onto his shoulder.
James sat beside Sirius in the Potions classroom. They had reached an unspoken agreement that they were friends again, as long as neither one of them mentioned any of the issues that had caused their falling-out. Students were filing slowly into the classroom, but James wasn't watching them. He was trying to decide what he was going to do about Lily. He hoped that she wouldn't always scream whenever he came near her.
"Potter," said Hannah quietly, "have you seen Lily today?"
"No, Hannah. Is she alright?" asked James in concern. Slughorn hadn't arrived yet. If he hurried, he could sneak out of the class and ask Sirius to tell the professor he was feeling sick.
"She doesn't remember me," said Hannah miserably.
"Did she scream at you, too?" asked Peter excitedly.
"No, why would she scream?" asked Hannah in confusion.
"She screamed bloody murder when she set eyes on James," said Sirius with a smirk.
"What did Madame Pomphrey say?" asked James, ignoring Sirius.
"She said that she's not sure if Lily will get her memory back. The best way to trigger memories, though, is for us to spend time with her. We're to also help her get into her normal routine," said Hannah.
"So where is she now?" asked Sirius.
"She's still in the hospital wing. Madame Pomphery is keeping her there for the rest of the day, but tonight she'll be released," said Hannah.
"Maybe we should all go visit her at lunchtime. Maybe then she'll remember something," suggested James.
"Great. Er, is Remus here?" she asked suddenly, glancing around the classroom.
"No, haven't seen him yet. He probably slept in a bit," said Sirius off-handly.
"Alright, well, I'll see you at lunch," said Hannah distractedly. All lesson long, James kept seeing her look over at the door. Remus didn't show up, and James hoped that everything was alright.
Remus lay in his bed feeling completely exhausted. He knew that last night's full-moon transformation had been worse than normal. He felt it in the way his bones ached and his head pounded. He was always a lot more tired when he had a bad night. He hated the feeling of not knowing what he had done the night before, but he couldn't seem to pull himself out of bed to ask James, Peter, or Sirius.
For half of the morning he lay in his bed, thinking over a lot of things that he'd never been forced to think about before now. He thought about Hannah, and how much he wanted to see her and be there for her. He thought about her delicate, beautiful face, her trusting eyes, and her wide smile. He wondered how much she would trust him or smile at him if she found out what he was. If anything started between them, he would have to tell her. It wouldn't be fair for him to keep that kind of life-changing information from her.
As he usually did the day after a full moon, he wondered what his life would be like if he hadn't been bitten all those years ago. Would he be more like James and Sirius? Would he be a lot braver if he didn't know the horrors that creeped through the shadow of a dark night? Would he joke around more and be more carefree?
Even if something started with Hannah, even if she accepted him, wolf and all, he wouldn't be able to give her a normal life. Once a month they would be separated by the creature that lurked underneath his skin. And if she ever got too close to him on one of those nights, he wouldn't know her beyond his prey. He would hurt her, most likely kill her, and in the morning and for the rest of his life he would have to live with it. And what would be the point in dating Hannah if he knew they couldn't have a future together? It wouldn't be fair to him, and it wouldn't be fair to Hannah.
The terrifying future lay so close to him. As other students in his year talked about what exciting career they would have after Hogwarts, he wondered if he would be accepted at any job in the Wizarding world. He wondered if he would marry and have children. Dumbledore had always treated him as if there were no difference between him and his classmates, but he knew the rest of the world wasn't like that. The world outside of Hogwarts looked very bleak.
"Remus?" asked a quiet voice suddenly, interrupting his thoughts.
"Yes," he said cautiously, sitting up and pulling the curtains that were surrounding his bed back. "Oh, Hannah, what are you doing here?"
"Um, I just came to see if you were alright. I was worried about you when you didn't show up for Potions. Potter and Black said you would," said Hannah. Her cheeks turned pink and she looked down at her feet.
"Oh, um, I'm just really tired," said Remus, feeling his own cheeks turn red.
"Ok. Well, you get some sleep then," she said, inching backwards to the door.
"Wait, Hannah," said Remus.
"What?" she asked, turning back quickly.
"Um," said Remus, trying to get up the courage to ask her to go to Hogsmede with him on Saturday. "How's Lily?" he asked instead.
"Oh, Remus," said Hannah, sitting on the edge of Remus's bed and explaining the situation. Remus only spent a few seconds mentally kicking himself for his conflicting feelings before he focused on what she was saying and tried to comfort her as best he could.
Once again, when lunchtime came, James raced through the halls to the hospital wing. This time, however, he was surrounded by Sirius, Remus, Hannah, and to everyone's surprise, Carrie. Peter had declined joining them as he said that he was starving. James hadn't thought about anything but Lily all morning. This became obvious when he dropped his wand in his cauldron when he had meant to put his crushed beetles in. His wand had shot out of the cauldron and rammed itself into Snape's back. Snape had lost his balance, as he was already leaning his greasy nose over his cauldron, and had fallen into it. His face had been covered in Elixir of Euphoria, and he had been making strange giggling noises all morning.
Hannah entered the hospital wing first to prepare Lily for their arrival. She came back after a few short minutes and led them over to her bedside. Already some of the color had begun to return to Lily's face. She looked a lot healthier, and she was even smiling when they all congregated around her bed. The bruise on her cheek and forehead had faded a slight bit, but it still looked extremely painful.
"Hi, Lily," said everyone cheerfully. Lily was sitting up in bed, her hair neatly combed and hanging in loose waves. James couldn't help smiling broadly at her.
"Um, hi," she said uncertainly, nibbling at her bottom lip.
"How are you feeling?" asked Remus kindly.
"It's the strangest thing. For some reason I have a headache," she said. Although her tone sounded somewhat joking, it was a little flat. Everyone laughed, trying to make her feel better.
"So your memory's busted, huh?" asked Sirius. James turned to shoot him a glare.
"I guess so. I mean, I don't remember a whole lot," said Lily worriedly, staring down at her hands.
"That's ok, Lily. I'm sure you'll start remembering stuff soon," said James nervously. He was hesitant to draw attention to himself, because he wasn't sure how she would react. He didn't want her to start screaming again.
"Hey, it's you," she said suddenly, her gaze trained on James.
"D-Do you remember me?" asked James wondrously, beaming at her.
"Um, no. I mean, yes. From last night. You were the boy I," she said, pausing and frowning slightly, "screamed at."
"Er, yeah, that's me," he said dully. He felt a crushing sense of disappointment, but he tried his best to not let it show.
"I'm really sorry about that. I was just so scared. The last thing I remember is playing in the park with my sister and Sev," she said nervously.
"I can understand why you'd be scared then," said Sirius, shaking his head. "It would be a frightening memory for anyone to have."
"What do you mean?" asked Lily. Her brow was puckered in confusion as she peered at Sirius.
"Just that Snape's a greasy, big-nosed freak," said Sirius.
"He's my best friend! Don't say that about him!" said Lily angrily. James could see the familiar spark in her green eyes.
"Um, Lily. You aren't friends with him anymore," said Hannah quietly.
"Why not?" asked Lily. She looked shocked and upset.
"Maybe we should just introduce ourselves," suggested James. He didn't want to upset her. She'd been through enough lately, and she'd have plenty of time to hear all the unpleasant things that had happened.
"Alright," she said, but she seemed to be puzzling over something in her head.
"Hi, I'm Hannah. We've been best friends ever since we first came to Hogwarts. We sat next to each other at the Gryffindor table that first night." Hannah smiled encouragingly at Lily, but Lily frowned.
"Oh no! So I didn't make it in to Slytherin!" Lily said dejectedly. She looked so sad that James fought the urge to run over and throw his arms around her. He didn't even want to know how loudly she'd scream if he did that.
"Psh, you're lucky you didn't! Then you'd have to share a house and table with those losers," said Sirius.
"What do you mean, losers? I thought Slytherin was the best house at Hogwarts. All the best students are Slytherins," she said determinedly.
"No, Lily. All the best students are Gryffindors!" said Sirius.
"But Severus told me," began Lily.
"Well Snivellus is a," began Serious.
"Hi, I'm Remus. I'm in Gryffindor too. We do homework together sometimes," said Remus, stepping in front of Sirius and interrupting the argument.
"Hi," said Lily. "Do you tutor me? I'm sure I'm just a terrible witch."
"No, Lily. You're the smartest student in the school," said James proudly.
"Oh. You mean I was," she said sadly.
"It will come back. And in the mean time, I can help you if you want," offered James.
"Thanks," she said with a tight smile.
"Hi, I'm Sirius, and I'm the most devilishly handsome guy at Hogwarts. Girls drool at my feet, so don't feel bad if you get a sudden urge to drool," said Sirius, smiling at her.
"Pads, don't lie to the girl. It isn't fair to give her false information. She doesn't know that you're joking," said Remus.
"Hey, I'm not joking!"protested Sirius.
"He's Sirius, and he's an irritating git most of the time. We only put up with him cause we feel sorry for him. No one else will take him," said Remus, rolling his eyes.
"Hey!" said Sirius in protest.
"Hi, I'm Carrie," said Carrie suddenly when she saw Lily looking at her. She paused for a moment.
"She's another one of your best friends. All three of us have been best friends since we got to Hogwarts," said Hannah quickly.
"I'm sorry I don't remember you both. I'm sure we were great friends," said Lily. Carrie looked slightly uncomfortable for a moment but then she grinned back at Lily.
"Yeah, we've had a lot of great moments," said Carrie.
"What's your name?" asked Lily after a pause. It took James a minute to realize she was looking at him. He was staring at Carrie and Hannah in disbelief. They couldn't just pretend the past few weeks hadn't happened. Lily deserved to know that she had been in an argument with Carrie for the entire school year so far.
"Oh, sorry. Er, hi, Lily. I'm James," said James, turning to focus on her.
"He's your boyfriend," said Sirius suddenly. James turned to Sirius and glared at him.
"Oh," said Lily. She looked slightly uncomfortable.
"We, we're not," said James.
"Come on, Prongs. She might feel awkward about it, but I'm sure she'd rather know the truth," said Sirius, staring at James with a pointed look. After years of friendship, James knew Sirius thought he was doing him a favor.
"I do want to know the truth, um, James. Are you my, er, my boyfriend?" asked Lily. She was biting her bottom lip again and not quite meeting his eyes.
James looked around at his friends. Remus looked thoughtful, Carrie looked angry, Hannah smiled at him and nodded her head, and Sirius was grinning at him stupidly. He knew that it wasn't right to lie to Lily. She had no way of knowing if he was telling the truth. But hadn't her accident happened because she wanted to be with him? Hannah had said that she was trying to make it onto the Gryffindor Quidditch team so that she could win James over. So, if she was her normal self with her memory intact, he would be her boyfriend soon anyway. Right?
"Yeah, I am. I just, I didn't want you to feel bad because you don't remember me," said James quietly. As soon as the words were out, he felt awful. But now that he had said it, he couldn't take it back. Lily didn't know him, and she wouldn't trust him if he took it back now. And then he told himself not to worry, that this was what he had been waiting for for years. He probably should just relax and enjoy it.
"I don't think that's," began Carrie angrily.
"Be sure to tell Lily all about the past few weeks of your friendship. She doesn't remember all the fun you've had together," said Sirius pointedly.
"Oh, um, maybe later. I don't want to overwhelm her," said Carrie, stepping back.
"So, Lily, how would you like to go to Quidditch tryouts tonight?" asked Hannah loudly, shooting a glare at Sirius when Lily wasn't looking.
"Quidditch?" asked Lily, perplexed.
"We have got a lot to tell you, Lily," said James, beaming down at Lily.
"James, can we talk for a minute?" asked Lily as Madame Pomphery began to shoo everyone out of the hospital wing so that they could grab some lunch before heading to their afternoon classes. She looked up nervously at James, not knowing how to handle this situation. Everything was so confusing. The fact that she had dated this guy that she didn't remember anything about unnerved her. It was hard to believe that she had six years worth of memories and experiences that were just erased.
"Sure, Lily," said James tenderly. He smiled down at her and she felt a thrill go through her. Sirius thumped him on the back and grinned cockily at him as he walked through the open curtains.
"Well, I just," began Lily shakily, "I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wish I didn't lose the memories of you. It must be really hard for you." She was playing with her hands out of embarrassment. She couldn't look at James.
"It's not your fault, Lily. And I'm fine. I'm just worried about you," said James his hand reaching out to grab hers, but he quickly jerked his hand back. Lily suddenly felt disappointed, which confused her. For the past half-hour as she watched James, she had felt things that she didn't understand. She had felt longing for him to come closer, to hold her hand. She had been unable to keep herself from breaking out into a beaming smile every time he smiled at her. It had gotten pretty hard to remember that there was anyone else in the room.
"The thing is, I don't know what to do about this," said Lily uncertainly. She glanced up at James and saw him looking at her intently, his gaze sweeping her face. She felt unnerved at the same time that she felt a flush of pleasure. She could see why she had gone out with him. He was handsome and he really seemed to care about her. But the problem was, he had all these memories of who she had been, of how they'd been together, and she knew nothing. She didn't know anything about him. She didn't know anything about the person she had been. Would James even like who she was now?
"I won't push anything, Lily. I promise that you can have your space, if that's what you need. I can back off," said James, struggling to smile at her.
"I don't want you to completely back off, James. I just, I want to get to know you, start from there. I don't know how I'll feel or what I'll think. I don't know the person I was. But I have a feeling that if I liked you before, well, I don't think that will all just go away, even if I don't remember," said Lily. She was back to chewing her lower lip thoughtfully. She didn't want to tell James about the confusing things she was feeling. She wanted time to sort it all out on her own.
"We can just be friends, Lily. I don't want you to feel obligated," said James. She paused a second, feeling conflicted. Part of her wanted to be more than friends. That part of her stared at his lips, begging them to come closer. But the other part was more cautious. She didn't know if she had been an impulsive person before she lost her memory, but the only important thing was that she wasn't feeling impulsive right now.
"I'd like that," said Lily, smiling up at James. James smiled back at her and she felt warmth travel the length of her body. She shivered uncontrollably.
"Great," said James, his gaze still trained on her. He seemed to be looking at her lips and she felt her cheeks warm when she noticed.
"I get out of the hospital wing tonight, maybe we could spend some time together, getting to know each other," suggested Lily to her sheets.
"That sounds….oh no! I have Quidditch tryouts tonight. Well, they're not important. I can just put Padfoot in charge," said James, biting his fingernail. Lily almost laughed at his expression. He looked like he was trying to smile, but he wasn't quite achieving it.
"No, it's ok James. You're the team captain, right? You have to be there. Anyway, Hannah mentioned something about watching them together. Maybe I'll go," said Lily.
"If you're sure. I mean, I'd rather just spend time with you, but I am the captain. And I wouldn't really trust Pads to pick out our team. He's, um, not very responsible. He'd probably pick any girl who agreed to snog him," he said, laughing and shaking his head. Lily joined in, although she wasn't entirely sure about Sirius. He didn't really make any sense to her. He had said James was her boyfriend, but she had caught him staring at her several times over the afternoon.
"Then you'd better go, James. And I would like to see you fly," she said. As soon as the words were out of her mouth she wanted to kick herself. "I mean that I'm curious about Quidditch. I'd like to see how it's played."
"You'll love it when you see it, Lily. There's nothing like Quidditch," said James, grinning broadly. His whole face lit up with excitement, and Lily couldn't help chuckling quietly. He looked like a little boy just then, unable to contain his excitement.
"Mr. Potter, I thought I told you to go to lunch!" shouted Madame Pomphery as she appeared in the space between the two curtains.
"Right. Sorry. See you later, Lily," said James, grinning at Lily before walking out. Lily felt a huge goofy smile on her face. She didn't know much about James, but she knew that she was already over her head for him.
"Are you sure that you don't want to stay here overnight?" asked Madame Pomphery anxiously.
"I'm sure," said Lily for the tenth time, "Thank you for everything."
"Yes, of course, dear. Take care of yourself, alright? And if you feel the least bit sick, promise me you will come right back," said Madame Pomphery kindly.
"I promise," said Lily.
"Are you sure that you don't want to wait for one of your friends to come and collect you?" asked Madame Pomphery.
"I'm sure, Madame Pomphery. I want to take a shower, and then I'll go to dinner with my friends," said Lily.
"I could walk you down," offered Madame Pomphery.
"Thank you, but that's not necessary," said Lily. Without another word she turned on her heel and walked slowly out of the hospital wing door. She felt tired and weak, but she wasn't about to tell Madame Pomphery. She wanted to be out of the hospital wing. She wanted to watch James play Quidditch. And she wanted to start catching up on all the things she had forgotten.
Lily had only walked a short distance when her eyes fell on a familiar black-haired head. She couldn't help it. She smiled involuntarily, began walking closer, and threw her arms around him.
"Severus," she said gleefully, pulling the now grown boy tighter to her. He was now much taller. His black hair hung over his eyes, and his eyes were the same shocking blue that she had always known.
"What are you doing?" asked Snape in a panicked voice. He seemed to be struggling to push her away.
"I'm hugging my oldest friend," said Lily, pulling back to look into his face. His face was filled with confusion and conflict. She could still see the little boy that had been her childhood friend in his expression. His lips were turned up in a smile, but his eyes were cold. They darted back and forth up and down the halls, they stared at her pleadingly.
"We're, we're not," began Snape, pulling himself out of Lily's grasp, shaking her arms from around his waist.
"So it's true?" asked Lily with a frown, backing into the opposite wall of the corridor. She couldn't help the little trickle of a tear that rolled down her cheek. It burned her bruised cheek as it covered the tender surface.
"Merlin, Lily. Your face," said Snape, reaching a hand up to lightly trace the bruised side of her cheek.
"I know it looks awful. But that's not important now. I want to know why suddenly, after years of friendship, we aren't anymore," said Lily firmly. She stared up intently into Snape's impassive eyes.
"It wasn't sudden, Lily. It happened over time. You found your friends, and I found mine," said Snape simply, his hands balled into tight fists at his side. He turned away and stared at the wall behind him, tracing the cracks with his eyes.
"So you're just telling me that we just drifted apart?" asked Lily incomprehensibly. She remembered spending hours with him in the park. She remembered staring at his dark hair and listening to his incredible tales of the magical world as the pink shafts of sunset filtered through the trees. She remembered laughing so hard that she collapsed on the soft grass beneath them. From his tense posture and cold eyes, Lily knew that it had been a long time since he had laughed.
"It's not a simple thing, Lily. I know you don't remember, but we're very different now. We don't fit into the same world anymore," said Snape. And for the first time Lily saw a crack in his rigidity. His eyelids grew heavy and shadowed his brilliant blues.
"But why Severus? Why can't we be friends again?" asked Lily imploringly.
"Because, Lily," said Severus. He glanced down the corridor again and stiffened suddenly. Lily looked to see a large group of students travelling their way. "Because, you're a filthy mudblood, Lily. You don't deserve the magic that you have! Now go away," he growled.
"What are you talking about, Sev?" asked Lily, her brow creasing.
"You're a filthy disgrace of a witch, and once the wizarding world wakes up, your lot won't be able to plague Hogwarts anymore! Now get out of my sight!" roared Severus.
Suddenly, Lily's vision blurred and she saw images flooding through her mind. She remembered him calling her a mudblood in fifth year. She didn't remember anything else, she didn't remember why he had called her that, but she couldn't escape the memory of him shouting mudblood at her and their argument when he tried to apologize later. Lily stared up in horror at Snape for a second before she turned on her heel and sped off to the Head common room. As she walked quickly down the corridor, she felt tears brimming over onto her cheeks. She felt the fresh loss of her childhood friend. She hurried through the common room and threw herself onto her bed, pounding her pillow with her fists and sobbing.
"So, James is a," began Lily, watching him zooming around the Quidditch pitch before tryouts were to start. Lily, Hannah, Carrie, and Remus were sitting in the stands, staring out over the field below them and the forbidden forest in the distance.
"He's one of the chasers. He carries a ball called a Quaffle and tries to throw it into one of those hoops there," said Hannah, pointing to the tall hoops that were to their right.
"Is he any good?" asked Lily.
"Oh yeah. Gryffindor team hasn't lost a match since he joined in his second year. We just don't tell him how good he's already enough of an arrogant git," said Carrie. Lily caught Hannah shoot Carrie a look when she thought Lily wasn't watching.
"He's a great chaser, and a great captain. He's also extremely handsome in his uniform, huh Lily?" asked Hannah cheekily to Lily, who blushed a deep pink.
"Er, I guess he isn't bad to look at," Lily mumbled, looking away from her two friends.
Hannah had teased her constantly about James at dinner. She had apparently convinced James and the other boys he was friends with that Lily needed to spend dinner with just the girls to get reacquainted. James had begrudgingly agreed, but Lily kept catching him looking at her throughout the meal. He had appeared beside her when he had finished with dinner and had asked her to walk with him down to the pitch. She had nervously agreed, but then Carrie, Hannah, Sirius, and Remus had all joined them, so she didn't really get a chance to talk with him. He had smiled regretfully at her before he trudged off across the field to change into his Quidditch robes.
And now he was zooming in circles around the pitch, occasionally executing steep dives. She would always tense with fear before he pulled out of his dives seconds before hitting the ground. Then he would catch her watching him and would grin at her before zooming off again.
"He's showing off to impress you, Lily," said Remus, rolling his eyes.
"How come you aren't on the team, Lupin?" asked Lily, trying to distract herself from staring at James.
"I'm rubbish at Quidditch. James always tried to teach me, but even he couldn't get me to fly a broom straight," said Remus, chuckling to himself.
"I bet I'm pretty bad at flying a broom myself," said Lily.
"No, actually, you were pretty good, before you got hit with a bluger," said Hannah. She looked at Lily with such a repentant expression on her face that Lily felt bad about bringing it up.
"That's how I got hurt, right?" asked Lily, trailing her finger beside her bruised cheek.
"Do you," began Hannah with a huge smile on her face.
"I don't remember. Madame Pomphery told me," said Lily, hating the slightly disappointed expression that covered Hannah's face for a second before she smiled again, a little forcefully.
"Right," said Hannah. "Well, you were practicing to be a beater when you got hit with a bluger."
"Was I on the Gryffindor team?" asked Lily curiously.
"No, but you were going to try out for it this year," said Remus, glancing briefly at Hannah.
"Why this year?" asked Lily curiously. There was a slight pause in which Lily saw Remus and Hannah look at each other.
"Well, you wanted to be on James's team. To spend more time with him," said Hannah. "Oh look, they're all arriving!" She pointed to a large mass of people entering the Quidditch pitch.
"So if I hadn't been hit, I would be down there right now," said Lily, looking down at the field and wondering if she would have made the team. She wondered what it felt like to zoom around the pitch above the tree line like James.
"Yeah, but don't worry about it, Lily. You'll have plenty of time to spend with James. You guys are Head students together, and you share a common room and every class," rushed Hannah.
"Yeah," said Lily. But she wasn't worrying that she and James wouldn't get enough time to spend together. She was feeling a growing anxiety flooding through her because she didn't know who she had been. What if people expected her to be the same person she was before her accident? What if the person that she became didn't fit in with these people who had been her friends? What if James expected someone different? Someone who shared the same features, but whose interests and skills were far different?
"I'll be right back. I want to duck into the loo before everything starts," said Lily distractedly, rising from her seat.
"Well, we can come with you," said Carrie, rising quickly.
"No, I'll just be a minute," said Lily, walking down the steps and behind the pitch. Instead of walking toward the castle, though, she found her feet turning towards the lake. She sat down on the roots of a tree that was leaning over the water. Although the sky was darkening and she couldn't see much more than the patch of dark water lapping at the shore before her, she sat watching it, feeling completely lost.
"Want some company?" asked a voice from behind her. She turned and put her hand to her chest as the voice interrupted her thoughts.
"What are you doing here?" asked Lily without turning around. She hunched her shoulders up and hugged her arms around her knees.
"I'm sorry, Lily. About earlier today. I just, my friends wouldn't understand. They might have tried to hurt you," said Snape, standing rigidly beside her and staring out at the dark expanse of water before both of them.
"And you wouldn't have stopped them," said Lily woodenly.
"No, Lily. I would have. I wouldn't have let them hurt you," said Snape with emotion ringing through his voice.
"But we can't be friends," said Lily, still not turning to face him.
"Well, maybe I was wrong earlier today. You know, we used to spend hours here together, talking and sailing leaves that we transfigured into boats through the water. I hid from the Slytherins here, and you hid with me. We could be friends like that again, Lily. Only we," he said.
"Wouldn't tell anyone," finished Lily.
"I knew you would understand. I've missed you, Lily. You don't know how long I've wanted to tell the Slytherins to stuff it and just go back to being friends with you." Lily saw him smiling in the beam of moonlight that streaked across the lake towards them.
"So why don't you?" asked Lily bitterly.
"I'm in too far now, Lily. I can't. I can't stop this," said Snape pleadingly.
"Well, I can't be friends with someone who's ashamed to be seen with me," said Lily stubbornly.
"Lily, you're just as stubborn as you've always been," said Snape in frustration.
"I guess so," said Lily, standing up and walking firmly back toward the pitch. As she walked, she was filled with anger, and suddenly, she knew that she hadn't lost herself, even if she had lost her memory. Now she had to just do everything she could to reconnect with the little bits that she had lost. And luckily for her, she had an idea just how to do that.
"Not that I don't appreciate your speech on the glory of playing for Gryffindor, mate, but could we get to the tryouts finally?" asked Sirius, rolling his eyes at James.
"Careful, Black, even if you played for the team last year, you aren't guaranteed a spot. I might just find a better seeker," said James.
"Psh! Yeah right, Prongs. Find a better seeker!" said Sirius, laughing arrogantly.
"Don't push it, Pads," said James before turning to speak to the students in front of him. He saw a straggler wander into the pitch and join the crowd before him. Before he could really see who it was so he could remember that they had been late, the person had mixed with the rest of the crowd. "Alright, you lot. I want you all to mount your broom and fly ten circles around the pitch. I'm going to split you into two groups at first. If you have a broom with you, stand in front of me. You will be in the first group. If you don't have a broom, go stand by Sirius. Sirius will hand out the school's brooms to those of you who don't have one, and then you will wait till the first group is done for your chance. Get going!"
Half of the crowd walked over to the changing rooms, while the other half walked toward James. James blew a whistle and the group in front of him rose into the air and began circling the pitch. James assessed their skills from the ground, noting several that seemed promising. There were also several that seemed to be wobbling through the air dangerously. The first group had gone several laps before James was distracted by loud arguing. He turned his head and saw that Sirius was arguing with someone who had their back to him near the changing rooms. He shook his head before rushing over to break up the fight.
"I am not giving you a broom! You are not trying out for the team!" shouted Sirius.
"Pads, what's going on here? Everyone is allowed to try out," said James as he arrived beside Sirius. He looked at the person who was being denied a broom and froze. Lily was standing in front of Sirius, holding her hand out for the broom that Sirius was holding just out of her reach. James's heart sped sickeningly. "Lily? What are you doing?"
"I'm trying out for the team, captain," said Lily with a smile at James.
"No you're bloody not," said James and Sirius at the same time.
"What happened to 'everyone is allowed to try out'?" asked Lily, raising her eyebrows at James.
"Lily, you just got hurt on a broom. You can't honestly think I'm going to let you get back on one now," said James seriously. He shuddered as he imagined her being pushed by some of the other people trying out as they raced around the pitch, her falling through the air and hitting the ground, her being knocked out by another bludger. He couldn't allow it.
"But isn't that what you're supposed to do? Get back in the saddle?" asked Lily with an innocent smile on her lips.
"What are you talking about?" asked James.
"Nevermind. I just, I want to be on the team," said Lily, staring up into James's eyes. James held himself rigid, because he knew the effect Lily had over him. He couldn't allow himself to be talked into letting her try out.
"Why? You haven't mentioned it before now," said James.
"I want to be on your team James. I want to spend more time with you," said Lily sweetly, smiling up at James. James took a deep breath, telling himself not to be carried away by happiness that she wanted to spend time with him.
"Lily, I'll spend as much time with you as you want. You don't need to be on the team for that," said James tenderly, smiling back at Lily, "I'll even teach you how to fly a broom if you want, but I won't let you try out now," said James firmly.
"You won't let me?" asked Lily incredulously, placing her hands on her hips.
"Lily, I'm only doing this so you don't get hurt," said James.
"Fine," said Lily angrily. She stalked off across the lawn.
"Despite losing her memory, Lily hasn't really changed any, has she?" asked Sirius.
"No, Pads. She's still managed to find something to be mad at me about," said James with a sigh.
Lily fumed around the edge of the pitch, hiding behind one of the curtains that draped underneath the stands. She guessed that Severus was right; she was stubborn. All of her thoughts were focused on how she was going to still try out for the team, but she hadn't come up with a solution yet. How was she going to get a broom when Sirius was handing them out? She was about to give up when she noticed some silly-looking girls talking near her.
"I don't know Marlise, I haven't even ridden a broom before," said a petite blonde girl, quivering as she clutched a broom tightly in her hand.
"You'll be fine, Rachel. The whole point is to get James and Sirius's attention. We're not trying to actually get a spot on the team," said the other girl, who was wearing her brown hair in pigtail braids.
"But what if I fall?" asked Rachel in a worried voice.
"Then hopefully James is there to catch you," said Marlise, giggling uncontrollably.
"I don't want to do it," said Rachel nervously.
"Come on Rachel! You agreed to do it earlier, and I can't just do it by myself!" said Marlise.
"I'm sorry, Marlise, but I'm not doing it," said Rachel, making her way over to the changing rooms.
Lily looked for James quickly and saw that his back was to her. He was still watching the people flying above him, occasionally making notes on a clipboard. Lily charged out from behind the curtain and caught up to Rachel before she had made it more than a few steps away.
"Hey, if you're not using that broom, can I borrow it?" asked Lily quietly. Marlise and Rachel both turned around to look at Lily.
"Oh, hi Evans, your face looks just lovely today," said Marlise, giggling again.
"Hi," said Lily shortly to Marlise before turning back to Rachel.
"Sure," said Rachel, handing the broom to Lily before stalking off toward the exit.
"Wait, Rachel, at least let's watch from the stands," said Marlise, shooting Lily a dirty look before she stalked off towards Rachel.
Clutching the broom in her palm, Lily walked around the edge of the pitch to where the second group was gathered. She kept her eyes on James in case he looked towards her, but he kept his back to her the whole time. She worked her way into the center of the second group and relaxed slightly. Now that she had the broom in her hands she was feeling both triumphant and extremely nervous. What if she didn't remember how to fly?
The first group hit the ground, and James congratulated them and talked to a few of them briefly before he turned toward the second group. Lily made sure that she was standing behind a really tall boy so that James wouldn't see her.
"Alright, when I blow the whistle you can kick off. Fly ten laps around the pitch and then I'll make the first cuts. Good luck," said James.
The second group spread out and Lily mounted her broom, waiting for the whistle. She gripped the broomstick tightly in her hands, feeling adrenaline pumping through her. When the whistle sounded she took a deep breath and kicked off the ground as hard as she could, ignoring the nerves that told her to stay on the ground. She felt the wind rushing through her hair as she soared up into the dark night. She beamed as she straightened her broom and began flying around the pitch. The whole experience felt incredible to her, and she had to keep reminding herself to watch the people around her. She felt like closing her eyes and just focusing on feeling the wind, the gentle gliding of her broom beneath her, and the worn wood of the handle in her hands.
Suddenly she remembered practicing Quidditch in a big, cavernous room with Sirius. She remembered Hannah saying that she couldn't ride a broom, and funneling her anger into drowning out her nerves. She remembered soaring through the air for the first time to the cheers of her friends below. She remembered feeling like she could spend the rest of her life zooming around on a broomstick, and wanting desperately to show James.
Lily pulled herself back into the present and increased her speed, passing some of the slower, wobbly people and heading for the front of the group with the faster, more confident fliers. She circled ten times, racing the others at the front. When her tenth lap was finished, she felt extreme disappointment that she had to return to the ground. She wondered what James would say when he saw her touch down on the ground. He would probably be angry. She sighed as she gently pushed the handle of the broomstick down. She glided towards the ground and landed lightly on her feet.
James began walking through the people at the front of the group, complimenting their flying. He was a few persons away from Lily when his eyes looked on her. His expression grew murderous and he charged towards her. He grabbed her wrist and dragged her off to the side of the pitch, all the while his eyes stayed locked on hers.
"Lily Evans, I thought I told you not to try out for the team!" growled James.
"I know you did, James. And I'm sorry. But I really just needed to do it," said Lily. She looked up meekly at him. "I didn't get hurt."
"No, you didn't, thank Merlin. Do you even know how much I care for you, Lily?" asked James, his voice softening as he pulled her into a hug. "What I'd do if you got hurt again?"
"But I'm a good flyer, aren't I?" asked Lily excitedly. James pulled back and looked at her sternly for a second before he grinned.
"Yes, Lily. You're brilliant," said James, beaming proudly at her.
"Wait until you see my beater skills," said Lily, grinning back at him.
"Lily," said James, his grin fading into a frown. "You are definitely not trying out to be a beater. You had your fun and proved that you can fly, but I will not have you anywhere near a bludger as long as you live," said James firmly.
"Oh, come on, James! That's not fair and you know it," said Lily angrily.
"I don't care, Lily," said James defiantly.
"You know I'll just do it anyway like I flew when you didn't want me to," said Lily.
"No you won't. I'll put Sirius on guard duty until tryouts are over," said James.
"James, you're going to let me try out to be a beater!" said Lily stubbornly.
"No I'm not!" said James just as stubbornly.
"Yes you are, Mr. Potter," said a stern voice from behind them. Lily turned to see a thin, severe looking woman with graying brown hair pulled into a bun at the nape of her neck.
"Professor McGonagall, you can't let her try out! She was in the hospital wing only a few hours ago because she got hit by a bludger!" said James pleadingly.
"I understand your hesitance, but after all, we allow everyone to try out for our team. Now, if it will make you feel better, I'll keep an eye on things and I will stop anything that comes too close," said McGonagall.
"Professor," began James.
"I believe you have some positions that need filling, Mr. Potter," said McGonagall sternly. James walked away with an annoyed sigh.
"Thank you, Professor," said Lily, smiling at the woman beside her.
"You're welcome, Miss Evans. I have a feeling that you'll be just what the Gryffindor team needs. Merlin knows James at least needs someone to bring him back to earth when it comes to Quidditch," said McGonagall, smiling tightly at Lily before heading off to watch the Keeper tryouts.
James saved the beater tryouts for last. Lily had sat on the pitch for the rest of the tryouts and watched as Sirius reclaimed his position as seeker, a boy named Frank Longbottom became the new Keeper, and Alice Brown and Billy Perkins became the two other Chasers. James called all of the people who were trying out for the beater positions to come towards him. Lily saw that there were six other people trying out for the position, all of them boys. She saw them laugh as she joined them and she had to laugh when she stood next to them. They were all at least a head taller than her and about three times bigger than her.
"Alright, I'm going to pair you up, and in those pairs you are going to have a turn to show me what you can do. When you're in the air I'm going to release the bludgers. I'm going to make targets appear all over the field, five for each, and your goal will be to hit each target with the bludgers. This will show me that you have enough strength and precision to keep the bludgers away from our team. Are you ready? Who wants to be first?" asked James, glancing down the row of boys, but not looking at Lily, who was raising her hand.
"Alright, Jenkins and Smith, you can go first," said James. Lily couldn't help grinning when Jenkins missed three out of five targets, and Smith sent the bludger towards the ground several times.
"Alright, good try," called James as they touched down. "Next we'll have Logan and Waverly." Logan was even more hopeless than the previous two. He would fly up to hit the bludger, but he kept swinging his bat through the air and missing the bludger. After a few attempts he zoomed to the ground and threw his bat down as he stalked out of the pitch. Waverly was the best so far. He only missed two targets.
"Great job, Waverly," said James, "Next we'll have Reilly and Quinn." Reilly only missed one target and zoomed to the ground with a smile on his face. Quinn, on the other hand, had managed to hit his own shoulder when he swung the bat. He was clutching his shoulder with a wince as he touched down on the pitch and began walking to the hospital wing.
"Well, if that's all," began James.
"That's not all, James. I want to try out," said Lily, going to stand in front of him. The boys that were around James started laughing again.
"Well, we don't have anyone to pair up with you," said James dismissively.
"That's ok. Put up the same amount of targets and I'll hit every one of them," said Lily confidently.
"Lily, I will not let you," began James.
"Mr. Potter, should I take over for this tryout?" asked Professor McGonagall.
"No, Professor," grumbled James. "Alright get onto your broom and kick off. I'll release the bludgers when you're ready. And I'll put up all ten of the targets. Don't feel bad if you miss," said James.
"I'm not going to miss," said Lily.
She hoped that was true. She didn't know why she was so confident. She didn't remember practicing to be a beater. But after her success with flying, she figured that beating would come back to her just as naturally. She picked up one of the smallest beaters bats on the ground. She found that it felt a bit heavy, but she was sure she could manage it. She kicked off the ground, clutching the broom with one hand and the bat with the other. At first she felt a little unbalanced but she quickly got the hang of it. She stopped in midair and nodded at James, taking a deep breath to calm herself.
James leaned down and released the bludgers from the crate. She saw them zoom up through the air, and then she saw a target appear to her right beside the middle goal post. She zoomed towards one of the bludgers and gave it a hard smack. The bludger went streaking through the air and hit the first target. The second target appeared higher in the air, above one of the stands. Lily zoomed toward the second bludger and smacked it. It hit the target. After hitting three more targets perfectly, Lily was feeling even more incredible than when she had been flying.
The next target appeared in a tricky spot. It was down towards the ground, partially hidden by a wooden beam that was holding up the stands. The bludgers were both to the left of the beam, so that no direct shot would be able to hit the target. Lily zoomed off to the bludgers and hit one of them in a straight direction. When it had reached the right spot in her estimation, she sent the second bludger after it, only at a slight angle. The second bludger smacked against the first, and the second bludger was sent to the left, and hit the target. Cheers erupted from the stands and the pitch below. Lily grinned broadly before she rushed off to hit the next target.
Lily touched down to the sound of loud applause. She had hit every single target, just as she had predicted. She grinned at James, who looked quite angry as he glared up at her. Before she could reach him and ask him what he thought, a huge crowd had gathered around her, asking how she had done it, how long she had been practicing, and other things that she didn't hear.
"Miss Evans, I must say, I'm very pleased with your performance. With you on the team, there's no way we can lose," said McGonagall, grinning broadly.
"I haven't made my decision about who's on the team yet, Professor," said James irritably, pushing his way through the crowd.
"But I would think that Miss Evans definitely has a spot on the team after that tryout," said McGonagall.
"I'm not so sure, Professor. She hasn't been playing all that long. We don't know that she's going to be consistent," said James.
"Please, James, don't be mad at me," said Lily, standing in front of him.
"I'm not mad at you, Lily. And I'm not trying to hurt you or make you upset. I'm just trying to protect you," said James with a sigh.
"But I want to play, and I had a good tryout," said Lily.
"You had an excellent tryout, Lily. I was so impressed. You've got natural talent," said James, beaming down at her with pride.
"So what's the problem?" asked Lily.
"It's too dangerous, Lily. On an open field without any other players, it's fine. But with a field full of players and beaters from another team aiming at you, it's a lot different. And I won't be able to do my job as a chaser and watch out for you at the same time," said James emotionally.
"You don't have to watch out for me, James. I'll be fine," said Lily.
"You don't know that, Lily. You can't know that! And I can't go through this again! I can't watch you get hurt again and know that I could have stopped it. When I sat beside your bed, before you had woken up, I promised myself that if you did, I would do all I could to make sure you were always safe, always protected. I love you, Lily Evans, and I won't break that promise, I can't lose you again," said James as he staring deep into Lily's eyes.
"James," said Lily, grabbing his hand, "you can't shelter me from everything. For one thing, it will really annoy me. And for another, accidents happen all the time. What if I asked you to quit Quidditch because it was too dangerous? I love Quidditch, James. I love flying through the air on a broom. I love chasing a bludger. I love lining up a shot and smacking the bludgers. Please, can't you understand?" asked Lily, squeezing his hand.
"I seem to recall receiving a note by owl from the very frightened mother of a second year boy who got onto the Gryffindor Quidditch team. It took weeks for me to convince her to let her son play," said McGonagall with a small smile. "Now, I'm not going to tell you what to do, Mr. Potter. I know you are a very capable and fair captain, so I'll leave the decision to you."
There were several minutes of silence that followed McGonagall's speech. Everyone was staring intently at James, waiting for his decision. He looked for a long time at Lily, not saying anything. She smiled at him, encouraging him, but he didn't smile back. The expression on his face was very serious.
"Alright, the new beaters for the Gryffindor Quidditch team will be Reilly and Evans," said James. A loud cheer went up, and Lily ran to James.
"Thank you, thank you James," said Lily, throwing herself at him. He stumbled backward a bit with the force but held her tightly.
"Remember what I said, Lily. Be careful. I couldn't take losing you again," whispered James in her ear.
"I'm not going anywhere, James. All I want is to be right here with you," she said, kissing him on the cheek before running off to celebrate with her other friends. The whole time, she kept her hand in James's, and although she couldn't remember the past six years of her life, she was sure that she hadn't ever had a happier moment.
AN: Well, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, even though it was insanely long! I promise to try and keep the next couple of chapters much shorter! Speaking of the next few chapters, I might change the day that I post this story. Wednesdays seem a little too busy to post. I haven't decided on another day yet, so I'll think about it over the next week and let you know. Again, I will try to have the next chapter by Wednesday, but I'm not sure that I'll be able to. So, I promise I will at least have it up next Sunday. As always, feel free to review on your way out! Well, good morning, and happy fanficing!
Love,
Littlemisskrissy