Wednesday
Mandarin Oriental Hotel – Hyde Park, London – February 2030
The winter sunlight streams in from the open balcony doors of our London in a hotel. I'm sure is much more luxurious than many presidential suites we stayed in. I blink a few times as I fully wake up, reaching out I find Josh's side of the bed is empty. Reluctantly I leave the warmth and comfort of the Queen Size bed and pull on my bathrobe before heading to the balcony. As my eyes adjust to the brightness of the sunlight, I see Josh seated in his bathrobe on one of the chairs overlooking Hyde Park. It's just before ten in the morning and I can't remember the last time I slept this late. I walk over and sit next to him, kissing him lightly on the forehead.
"What are you doing out here? Josh it's freezing out here!
The balcony is reasonably sheltered but there's a chill in the air and it seems that Josh is deep in thought as it takes him a while to register my presence.
"Watching the guards go by," He says a little distantly. "I didn't wanna wake you so I came out here for a while."
"You OK, darlin'?"
"You should have stayed in bed." He tells me, ignoring my question. "I like finding you in bed, waiting for me." He leans forward runs a hand down my face and smiles. I hate seeing him like this, like he's making the most of each day because it might be his last one.
It's five years since he was diagnosed and there's not a day when I don't worry and look for evidence that his condition is worsening. But, apart from the odd episodes of breathlessness, our European vacation has been a success. Despite my efforts to scale it back, my stubborn husband refused to cross anything off the list. We've travelled through France and Germany, the Czech Republic and Poland. It's the final leg of the tour in London which holds special memories of our semi state visit here in the second year of Josh's administration. We're taking a day's break which I've insisted on from Josh's exacting schedule .
"I love you so much, Sam. You're the best thing that ever happened to me." He says with feeling.
"Josh...darlin' that feeling is entirely mutual." I wrap my arms around him and we sit quietly for a few minutes before the sun disappears behind a cloud and there's a strong chilling breeze.
"Josh...will you come back to bed? It's getting cold." I sound bossy but he lets me help him to his feet.
Once we're in the warmth of the suite I push his bathrobe from his shoulders and we climb back into bed. I pull him into my arms and my husband rests his head against my shoulder as I wrap the comforter around us a little tighter.
"I didn't thank you," He says with emotion after a few moments, and I when I don't answer he carries on, "when we were at Birkenau, I didn't thank you for being with me."
"I wouldn't be anywhere else. To be honest I found it humbling and a little scary...but for a couple of days and a lot of luck I may never have known you." Josh doesn't answer but simply nods and I know he's not just thinking of his grandfather's luck there but his own at Rosslyn. "Josh are you sure you're alright?" I'm rubbing his hands trying to pretend they're cold from being outside and not a symptom of his illness.
"My grandfather used to say to me that I should never waste a single moment because you never knew what was just around the corner. I never really understood what he meant until now."
"Darlin', you're doing ok, we've got plenty of time." If I say it enough then I might start to believe it.
"Sweetheart, I think it's time to go home, something isn't right."
Blair House – Washington DC – 2031
I wake up shaken from my dream to a gentle tugging at my shoulder. I sit up and turn the bedside lamp on to see Claudy, her eyes red from crying and I gently brush her hair back from her face.
"Grampa?"
"Hey, buglet! What are you doing out of bed?" I blink at my watch and see it's just after five. "Did you have a bad dream?" Claudy nods and I gently lift her up on to the bed.
"I don't like it here!" She wails, kicking her feet against the side of the bed in frustration. "I wanna go home! I miss Osh!"
"I know you do, but we explained that he's no longer with us now. Remember?" I say as I gently kiss the top of her head.
"Why did he get sick?" Her voice sounds so innocent, that it breaks my heart having to have this conversation with her again, but, I know she needs us to be honest with her as I was with Jamie after his mom died.
"That's right. buglet, your Grampa's heart was sick and in the end it just got too tired to work at all. He stayed with us as long as he could, I promise you! You know you were his favourite girl and he was always happy when you came to visit us and he would want us to remember him when he was happy."
"Grampa used to read to me when I was sad."
"He did," I sigh, "Do you have your book with you?" She nods, "Why don't you go and get it and I'll read to you until it's time to get up."
She climbs out of bed and when she's gone, I drag myself out of bed and cross to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. I go to the window and stare out across the street at the White House as the pale rays of the morning sun start to stream through the window.
It brought Josh, and I together, saw us torn apart and then years later was the setting for some of our biggest fights. Some of the darkest days of my life have happened in that building. But, I smile out in to the darkness, at the same time seeing Josh reach his dream was a beautiful time. My only regret is, if we'd known what little time we would have once we left, perhaps we'd have made even more of it.
Our European vacation which we'd planned before we left the White House took many years to come to fruition for one reason or another. Then, the last year just seemed to slip by us even faster.
"Grampa?" Claudy's beside me clutching her well thumbed storybook so I force a smile onto my face and pick her up and start to read her in order to distract myself from my morbid thoughts.
I sit up with a start on the sofa were I'd finally fallen asleep at a knock on the door. Jamie enters the room with a look of relief crossing his face when he sees his daughter curled up on the bed with her thumb in her mouth. I rub my face with my hands in a move scarily reminiscent of Josh and take a good look at my son.
"How are you this morning?"
"A little embarrassed, bit of a headache." He smiles sheepishly as he stuffs his hands in his bathrobe.
He and Chris got back about 1.30 am. Once Jamie was out of sight I asked if their talk had helped and he told me that Jamie had vented the remains of his residue resentment. When I tried to push Chris further, he politely reminded me that what Jamie told him he'd never admit to me.
"Well, beer and scotch will do that for you! I think Chris or John have a good hangover cures. But, I'm glad you and Chris had a chat even though he kept you up later than I expected." Sometimes I just can't keep the jealousy out of my voice that my son can get advice from someone other than me.
"Dad," Jamie says sharply. " Are you really OK now?"
"Of course," I say a little contritely that we're starting the morning off with an argument. "It's gonna be a long day today and..."
"I know dad," Jamie hastily interrupts as his daughter stirs in her sleep. "I'll be there for you every step of the way. He looks back down at his daughter, "We all will. When did she come in?"
"A couple of hours ago, did you explain to her what's happening today?"
Jamie wants to change the subject and I'm cross that I made it sound as if I wanted him to be fresh and alert to see me through the next few hours. I was only thinking of him taking on the responsibility of being a pall bearer with a blinding headache.
"We tried and she got upset but you know my little girl she's a little trouper and is determined to go."
"I can't think where she gets that from!" I remark and drag myself from the sofa, pulling on my robe as I go. "We'll look after her."
"Daddy?"
At Claudy's sleepy voice Jamie immediately goes to her and picks her up, holding her close.
"Hey, are you alright, sweetie? I was looking for you." She says nothing, just turns her head towards his shoulder and clings to him even more tightly. I hurry in to the en-suite bathroom as he whispers soothing words to her. Memories of when Jamie's mother died combined with the grief of losing Josh is threatening to overwhelm me. When my vision is no longer misty I head back into the bedroom.
"We have to say goodbye to him today right?" I crouch in front of the two of them. Claudy is clutching the cuddly toy close, almost hiding behind it as if it were a shield and Jamie kisses her on top of her head.
"We do and that's going to be very hard to do," I tell her. "But if you start to feel too sad you should remember all the fun you had with Grampa 'Osh and if that doesn't work, you tell me or your Daddy or Mommy and Grandad and Grandma will be there too, ok?" She nods her head, sending her curls bouncing.
I get up, my knees crack reminding me why I shouldn't crouch any longer, and Jamie picks her up.
"Dad, I've told her what's happening." Jamie reassures me as he picks up his daughter and at the words 'let's go and find mommy'. Claudy's face brightens. "There's going to be lots of people there who loved your Grampa, but you don't know lots of them, so I want you to make sure you hold on to one of our hands all day, OK? " The little girl nods solemnly as he carries her to the door. "And," My son turns around. "We've got your back today." He assures me.
"That's good to hear," I say with feeling. "After we leave here we're going back to Virginia. Maybe Mommy and Daddy can stay on a few days huh?" Jamie mouths a "for as long as you need us."
"Alright, why don't you two go down to breakfast, I'll be down shortly." I say a little too brightly as the roller coaster ride of grief starts up again. Jamie who understands my need to alone leaves the room. With the tears filling my eyes I head over to the closet to get my suit and prepare to accompany Josh on his final journey from DC to Virginia
Josh's departure from the Capitol Building was marked by another twenty one gun salute. As I watched stoically as the coffin was placed with careful precision into the hearse; Jamie gripped my left hand and bit his lip to stop the tears from running down his cheeks. As we climbed into the limousines at precisely 12 noon I gave a sigh of relief that the state part of the funeral was over and the burial will be conducted in semi privacy. Josh chose to be buried at his library over his home state of Connecticut because he reasoned he'd spent the majority of his life either in the state or in DC. As we drive away from the Capitol Building Jamie and Molly keep my daughter occupied by reading her a story. My mind is full of Josh and I escape back into the past and recall the night we arrived home on a mild January day after we'd watched the new Republican President sworn in on the steps of the Capitol.
Charlottesville, VA. - January 2023
"So, what did Keating say?" I ask as I leave our en-suite bathroom in the master suite of our Virginia home.
Josh sits on the edge of the bed flicking through the TV channels and he pauses on the highlights of President Andrew Keating's inauguration. I stand for a moment and watch the coverage which shows an upbeat Josh waving to the crowds and warmly shaking the hand of Keating, a man with presidential looks - a square jaw, high cheekbones and large eyes, before we climb into the official car waiting to bring us home.
Before the inaugural festivities took off we spent some quiet time in the building that has served as home for the last eight years. We took a last walk around the South lawn before heading back to the residence to say farewell to the staff and the remaining staff in the West Wing. Then we welcomed the traditional meeting of coffee and pictures with the incoming President. Josh confided to CJ at their briefing before he left the Oval office for the final time, that he was glad to be leaving the goldfish bowl experience. Now, as I sit down next to him on the bed, I wonder if he isn't brooding about the fact it wasn't his VP Tom who held the family bible and swore the oath of office. Some of Josh's views on Keating are unrepeatable but as a skilled political operative, he's wise enough to cultivate a civil relationship so that he can be a indispensable source of advice. I also reminded Josh that he's in an elite small circle of living President who can understand the President's powers and responsibilities.
Josh turns to face me with a thoughtful look on his face and the brown eyes are serious.
"Just as we were coming down the steps of the Capitol Building he wished me a long and meaningful retirement."
"What the hell did he mean by meaningful?" I ask as I take the TV remote from his hand and turn the TV off. "It's not as if you're gonna shuffle off into the sunset and play golf like Eisenhower! I thought you'd decided what you were doing. Some time with family and friends, time to write your book, then you'll decide what avenue you wish to follow." I remind him and then I realise that he's unable to meet my gaze.
"Sam what if..."
"Joshua please god no...!"
"What if..." He starts again cautiously. "I told you that I'm not done yet? I bet that the pundits on the talk shows will be discussing my political obituary."
"I think all the talk on Capitol Beat will be the challenges Keating faces from the right of his party and how he's gonna live up to the campaign promises he made to younger voters, minorities and women."
"Yeah," a wicked grin crosses Josh's face at the thought. "He's not gonna have an easy ride. But, I'm relatively young still, healthy.." At a look of doubt on my face he becomes annoyed. "Jesus! Sam would you give it a rest?" He says referring to his final medical check up before he left the White House. "I'm fine!"
"Ok so what's this great plan? Don't tell me, you're going to follow Taft and get elected to the Supreme Court!"
"Well maybe I will!" He gets up and goes to stand by the window.
"Joshua, you've more chance of becoming Surgeon General. Be serious, you've never practiced law, let alone been a judge! You have some strange ideas you know." I stand behind him, my hand on his shoulder. "Josh what's this about?"
"I don't want to be forgotten, to shuffle off into obscurity with my pension."
"Well good because you'd drive us both crazy." I turn him to look at me, "you've never talked about this. There's plenty you can do, we can talk about it, but not now huh? We're both tired and emotional."
"Speak for yourself," he mumbles and I smile.
"Come on, I want to spend our first night of freedom cuddled up in bed…our bed!" He nods and I know I should leave it there but I can't. "Josh are you sure you're really ok? Don't think I didn't notice the coughing fit last night or yesterday afternoon, and Kevin told me you were out of breath on your run. I'm serious, sweetheart, maybe you should get checked out just to make sure."
"I'm fine!" Josh protests. "I just pushed myself a little harder than I should. It's not like you've been a picture of health these past few years. I'm sorry..." I feel his hand in mine and he holds it tight. "That's a little crass of me!"
I'm tempted to answer back but I recognise that tonight and perhaps for several weeks may be months to come I'm treading on eggshells. I'm shortly facing my own dilemma of finding something to do when I retire. But it's ten times more difficult for Josh to make the transition into normal life. It will be my challenge to find something for him to do without him dying of boredom. I just wish we'd sat down and discussed his options in the White House but apart from approving the site for his library nothing else was discussed. "They'll be plenty of time when we leave Sam," was his pointed brush off every time I attempted to raise the subject.
"I just want to make sure that northing's gonna spoil our time now that we're out of the spotlight and we can have time for ourselves." I manage in a even tone of voice.
"If I promise to tell you if anything is wrong, would you please drop the subject of my health!" Josh offers after a few moments of silent complementation.
"OK," I agree as I knead Josh's shoulders and feel the tension draining out of him. "You know, you've only got to look at Jed for an example of how to develop your legacy. What was it that one of his obituaries said?" Though I want to leave the discussion for now I get the feeling he needs something to think on.
"That he'll stand out as someone who has found ways to serve his country and all humanity since leaving the world's most potent seat of power."
"So you can do more than work on the development of your library we'll have to find something for you to focus on, humanitarian efforts, promoting international peace. Something that will protect and enhance your legacy." I try again at a thoughtful expression on his face. "And you can do all of that because you may have lost the car and the plane but it's gonna be a comfortable retirement."
"It's gonna be more than a lot of decent hardworking American's will get. Not many get a heft annual pension, allowance for travel expenses...Medical treatment at military hospitals and allowance for travel expenses, medical treatment at military hospitals." Josh says thoughtfully. "I guess you can say that I've not just been given a pat on my way out and that's about it."
"See! You'll be able to do more than drawing lines and arrows on your European vacation planner."
"You've seen it?" Josh asks with raised eyebrows.
"Yes! Donna was sorting out the stuff to put in your briefcase before we left the White House and came across it. You're a dark horse darlin'!"
"It was gonna be a surprise," Josh admits. "Jamie is going to Harvard in the fall and I kind of thought it would be a diversion from losing him."
"You know you really are sweet sometimes!" I reply a little emotionally and giving him a hard kiss on the lips as I understand why he was giving the brush off every time I mentioned retirement plans. "It's not like Jamie is gonna be the other side of the country. But, yeah, it's gonna be strange not having him around the house all the time."
"Just think," Josh makes quick work of removing my bathrobe and his lips brush across the back of my neck. "No more passing each other in the hallways."
"For...the first time..." I say in between kisses. "It's gonna be just the two of us. We'll have all the time in the world to do what we want."
"No more interruptions..." Josh's voice gets throaty as I lay back.
Suddenly there's a crash and a thunder of footsteps upstairs and excited young voices in the corridor. Jamie has a couple of friends over for a sleep over like he used to do in the Residence. Josh and I both sit at the sound of his voice.
"Hey dad, JJ! The guys and I went down to the lake and I could clearly see a male smooth newt swimming to the surface as they do to breathe. So I quickly melted a small hole for him and we've got some pictures! Can I show them? It won't take a sec?"
"Some things never change!" We both say as we get up.
The Joshua Lyman Presidential Library - Virginia - 2031
As we exit the limousine, I slip on my sunglasses, both to shield from the sun and take in my surroundings. The mourners have arrived dressed in black suites and the ladies in dresses and some with big hats. Josh's library took years of planning and it's planning became almost an obsession especially when he was adjusting to being in retirement. He chose a design of a building with period features but still modern enough to fit into the twenty first century. In the best tradition of presidential libraries it features galleries, public experiences, theatrical presentations which capture the leadership, the human drama and achievements of Josh's presidency.
I shake hands with the curator of the library but she could be speaking Japanese for all I know as she ushers Jamie and the rest of my family out into the grounds. It's a day similar to when Josh opened the library and I'd give anything to see him as he did on that day a grin of satisfaction that the library had lived up to his expectations.
The grounds which Jamie and I and the rest of the family are led into are the setting for the final act in the life of Josh Lyman and it is set beautifully. The sun is shining which still strikes me as wrong and the roses are starting to bloom. The rows of white chairs are laid out either side of the grave with a small podium at one end for people to speak.
"Sam, we have half an hour until we start." Alex is once again at my side. "The curator has asked if you and the family would like a moment alone with Josh." I follow his gaze back towards the replica of the Oval Office and shake my head. I'm not ready to say goodbye.
"No, I'll wait out here, speak to some of the guests," I manage calmly " Did Daniel sort the pallbearers?" He nods and I smile my thanks and then after welcoming John Rawlins who'll shadow me for one last time I decide to head back to one of the many benches under a set of arches and enjoy a few moments of solitude. As I lean my head back against a wrought iron seat the fragile scent of roses coming into bloom reminds me of my mom and how she and Jean Lyman were there to support Josh and I especially during the first year of the administration.
The White House – Washington DC – February 2015
I arrive in the Residence at the end of a long day at my office. I still don't think of this place as home and if it wasn't for the driver I'd probably end up at our old house every night. It's three nights before the first dinner that we've held since the Inauguration and I've been avoiding calls from the Social Secretary all day. Even yesterday afternoon as Josh and I enjoyed coffee in the Oval while he had a break in the schedule, she found me to ask about napkins and flowers. At that point I lost my temper a bit and I'm sure if Josh hadn't been there to smooth things over things would have been a whole lot worse.
As I exit the elevator on the second floor of the residence I stop in surprise to see there are porters moving large amounts of luggage towards the far end of the corridor. I'm sure I recognize some of the bags but I'm so tired my brain won't function.
"Josh! What the hell is going on?" I demand as I enter the private sitting room to find my husband happily ensconced on the sofa enjoying a rare evening where he's not been called to the situation room. A pile of briefing notes and letters lie on the coffee table but he's happily flicking through the sports channel on the TV.
"We have visitors." Josh replies and as I cross over to him and he holds up a glass of Jack Daniels so I know it has the potential to be bad. "Our mothers are here." I sit down with a thump.
I haven't called them and they weren't due to attend the dinner, it being the views of the Social Secretary and other advisers that the focus should be just on Josh and me.
"What did you do?"
"Well after your little nutty yesterday afternoon, and after Donna had complaints from the Protocol office, the head chef and the social secretary, that nothing was actually finalised for the dinner, which she passed on very loudly to me?" He smirks at me. "We needed to bring in the big guns."
"I told you I wouldn't be getting involved in flowers and napkins and I know you had Donna send out a memo." I link my fingers with his.
"You did and I think we were pretty stupid to think we could do this alone, don't you think." He leans over and kisses me. "When have we ever been able to organise anything that didn't involve polling or a closing statement?" I laugh and then a thought occurs to me and I look at the still large pile of luggage.
"Josh exactly how long are they staying?"
"Well that's the thing..."
"Sam," a soft voice and a warm hand on my shoulder interrupts my thoughts and as I look up and smile warmly at the sight of one my oldest and dearest female friends.
Donna's POV
When I first met Josh Lyman, my life was pretty awful, but he believed in me and gave me a job. I spent the next twenty or so years keeping his working life and for some of the time, his personal life as well. I'd be lying if I said that for a while I wasn't attracted to him but eventually it was clear that he was only interested in Sam. Even after they split up he wasn't interested in dating anyone else, at least not seriously. The one thing that has upset me the most this week is how little time they had together after they left the White House.
Since we arrived at the Library, I've been swallowed up by people wanting to talk, but the person I wanted to speak to the most was missing. Ryan, my husband and I were meant to arrive back in DC two days ago but our flight back from Paris was badly delayed so we only flew back late last night. I've only spoken briefly to Sam via Skype, before he left for DC and it ended up with Sam comforting me! So, I really want to see him before the service and perhaps behave with a little more dignity and headed over to the forlorn figure on a bench staring downcast at the paving.
"Donna! Oh it's good to see you! I'm glad you got here." He gets to his feet and hugs me. Sam has always given really good hugs but this time it feels a bit more like I'm the one holding him up.
"So am I! Sam, I know we spoke on the phone but I'm so sorry I cried so hard. I can't believe he's gone." I take his arm as we walk along the path. "How are you doing?"
Since we left office we haven't stayed as close as when we were in DC but I never stopped worrying about Josh. Ryan is in the diplomatic corps and as has been transferred to various European locations. But, every time we're in DC I would have lunch with them both before Josh got really ill.
"Honestly? I'm surprised I can get up in the mornings." He sighs, almost in relief.
Maybe it's because he feels he can be honest with me. I would imagine that there's been quite a bit of hovering and fussing done this week.
"I bet you've heard everyone saying it'll get easier and you're probably sick of hearing it. Josh was something special wasn't he? I mean look at me, no college degree and I worked for two Presidents and controlled the Oval Office...because of Josh Lyman. I hope he realised just how much I loved him for turning my life around." Sam stops, turns to me before he bends to kiss me warmly on both cheeks.
"He knew," Sam assures me as we start walking back towards the crowd who are being seated by the graveside. "Donna you did so much more than that, and you know Josh would have fallen apart without you. He had quite a way of changing people's lives though didn't he?"
I laugh a little and look at my watch as I see Alex hovering. "We should get over there I guess, we're probably being missed."
We make our way back over to the guests and I watch as Sam shakes some more hands mostly people I recognise from his law firm in DC and he seems more at ease than he did when we watched the lying in state on the news in London. He gives me a gentle pat on the arm and asks if I'll be coming back to his house tonight. I nod as Jamie who is talking to Daniel looks in my direction and sees Ryan myself and our son Sean causing him to break into a smile. I mouth that we'll catch up later on. Ryan reaches out and puts a hand on my back.
"How is he?"
"I honestly have no idea. I doubt anyone does." I reply. "The only person who could get Sam to confess how he really felt was Josh, the rest of us always hit the wall that Sam put up.
Before he can answer me we're invited to take our seats. I watch as Jamie sees his wife and daughter to a seat before speaking to Sam and then making his way over to the hearse alongside the other pallbearers.
2031
Sam's POV
I get to my feet as the band starts to play Ruffles and Flourishes afforded to a President followed by Hail to the Chief. I turn and watch as my son and friends bring the coffin out of the mock oval office and make a slow measured journey behind the honour guard in silence towards the grave. Molly puts a hand on my back in support as she holds my granddaughter close and I manage to give Jamie an encouraging smile as he passes by with an intense look of concentration on his face.
I really have to thank Toby somehow and apologise for avoiding him these past few days. He obviously spent a lot of time speaking to the rabbi, sorting out all the arrangements, making sure everything was acceptable to both the rabbi and to Josh. When the coffin is in place the rabbi comes to each of the family members and attaches the traditional torn black ribbon to our clothes. Ever curious, Claudia examines hers before smiling over at her father as he returns to his seat beside me.
Just as Jamie as a toddler kept me focused at Geena's funeral all those years ago, Claudia is helping me now. As the rabbi steps back to the podium the slight murmuring voices grow quieter and I stare straight ahead listening as he speaks in Hebrew. I have the translation in front of me on the service sheet but I don't follow them, my eyes are fixed on the coffin.
"Today we come together to celebrate the life of Joshua Lyman. His wish was that this be both a time for remembrance and one of celebration. To celebrate the life of a man who reached the highest office, who loved his family and his friends, and to that end it was his wish that anyone who wished to could say a few words."
The tall dark haired man finishes in English, he then steps down from the podium as Jamie gets up and places Claudia on my knee, as if to give me the strength to listen to his words, and makes his way to the rabbi.
Jamie stands in front of us all, everyone a friendly face and for a moment I see my little boy again, dressed in his suit, reluctantly appearing at some function or another. Then he gathers himself and then I see Josh's influence as I do so often. He looks down at his hands, takes a deep breath before raising his gaze to his audience, something Josh often did before important speeches. I manage to smile supportively at him and he begins to speak.
"When I first took my wife," He gives Molly a fond smile. "Home to meet my parents, Josh tried his hardest to act like the overbearing parent. What he failed to remember, or just plain ignored was that she had seen him many times as a child including one time at my birthday party with a face full of birthday cake," Jamie smiles at the memory. "Something which had to do with an argument between him and CJ Cregg. It's hard to take someone seriously after that." There's a smattering of laughter before he continues.
I run my hand absently over Claudia's hair as I listen as Jamie continues to speaks of his love for Josh, how he always felt safe with him. As he mentions his abduction I tense and obviously hold Claudy tighter as she squirms a little.
"When I was back he did me the honour of legally becoming my father although all three of us had considered it to be the case long before that day came. Like all of us I feel privileged to have had Josh as part of my life. I only hope I can be as good to my daughter as he was to me."
As he steps down to return to his seat, I swipe a tear from my cheek. Claudy turns round to me and smiles, "Don't cry Grampa."
"I'm ok, sweetie," I whisper back.
I'm not, I'm so far from ok it's not funny anymore but I still can't let myself fall apart.
I barely hear the rabbi begin speaking again. He knew Josh but not well, he's just repeating words told to him by some of us here today. The next thing I know is, CJ is standing to give her own eulogy and I can already see the tears in her eyes. In her own way though, she makes us all smile, telling stories of my Josh, of when he was at his best, at his worst and of when he was just being a good friend.
Then before I know it, it's my turn. I wasn't sure, even this morning, whether I would be able to or not but I want to do this for Josh. Slowly I get to my feet, glad there are no cameras, just friendly faces. Kissing my granddaughter, I sit her down on my seat and make my way to the podium. I'm silent for a minute, just looking at the scene in front of me, mentally preparing myself.
"I've spent the past few days thinking about what I would say here today and there are many screwed up pieces of paper to attest to that but in the end I just had to let myself speak, let the words come to me today." I stop, and place my hands on the podium in front of me to stop them shaking. "I didn't know Josh wanted all of this, I believed he wanted a quiet funeral with none of the ceremony and I've also spent the past few days trying to figure out why he wouldn't tell me that all of this had been planned," I give a sigh ."But, the more I think about it, the more I think he did it, not for him, but for us, the people he would leave behind who would have to go on without him. I believe that we could draw some comfort from all of the people who lined up to pay their respects. Anyway, as I said I had my speech all planned, in my head. I would quote all manner of people in an attempt to convey my feelings for him but I realised that the best way I could do that was using my own words, not someone else's and then in my head I heard a wise man, almost a brother, telling me just to speak from the heart."
I look across at Toby and he nods his head and there's the hint of a smile on his face, giving me the strength to continue.
"How do you describe someone like Josh? Josh could be infuriating, stubborn and he would fight like hell for what he believed in. It's like there were two Joshes. There's the Josh that everyone else saw, that was the stubborn, infuriating one. However, the Josh I knew was funny, kind, loving and would be just as happy reading children's stories as briefing papers, would help with homework even though he had ten more meetings to fit in before dinner. He...he would let the man he loved continue with his career even though it would often hurt his Presidency and all of his advisors would tell him it was ridiculous. He would tell me every night that he loved me, even when we were fighting..." I feel like I'm going too far, raking all this up again and I stop and stare at the coffin once more. "I will be forever thankful that one day over thirty years ago he stood in the hallway of a New York law firm, soaking wet, and told me that Jed Bartlet was 'the real thing' because I was drowning there and he saved me and set me on a course that I could never have dreamed of. He would save me again and again and I only hope he knew how eternally grateful I was. You know, Jamie once asked him how he would know that Molly was the girl for him, and while I just said that he would know, Josh said, if he woke up every day and wanted hers to be the first face he saw then she was the one. He was right...he would say he always was! I felt that way every single day of the twenty three years that we spent together...and every single day was worth whatever we faced."
I step away from the podium and as I pass I reach out to the coffin, running my fingers over the flag, "I love you, darlin' with all my heart." I whisper as I stand there, before stumbling over to my seat. Claudy has climbed over onto Molly's lap but I reach out and ruffle her curls.
The rest of the service is a blur, I hear the words but they don't register. Molly touches my arm when the honour guard moves into position and I take a shuddering breath.
"Sam, you ok?" I nod, I can't speak over the lump in my throat. I feel Jamie's hand on my back, from my other side.
The next thing I know the gun salute sounds and I try not to flinch but there are too many memories for me with the sound of gunfire. CJ had suggested forgoing that particular part of the ceremony but I insisted that Josh had the full honours as he had wanted. Molly has moved her hand to gently cover Claudia's ears to block some of the noise. After that the lone bugler plays Taps which slices through my heart. Josh and I attended a few military funerals while he was in the Senate and this was always the part that got to me the most. I find myself closing my eyes and letting the sound wash over me.
When I open them again I see the guards carefully folding the flag that covered the coffin, making sure everything is just perfect before one of them holds it to their chest and walks towards me and I steel myself to accept it. As he kneels and hands it to me, I look into his eyes; can only see sincerity as he speaks the prepared words.
"Sir, on behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for President Lyman's service to his Country."
"How long have you been with the Marines?" I murmur, needing to say something, however inane.
"Fourteen years, sir."
"He was your Commander in Chief then." I don't know why that's important but it is.
"Yes, sir." I nod my thanks and he moves away.
I run my fingers over the flag, holding it close to me as the service comes to an end. There is still the actual burial to come but it was decided to keep that separate to the military part of the service. The firing party march away, leaving just the honour guard standing guard once more as the rabbi steps up again.
When the library was built, Josh decided it would be where he would be buried, not in Connecticut with the rest of his family, partly because he wanted to be close to home. He specifically asked that a memorial to his parents and his sister be placed in the grounds so that in some way the family could all be reunited.
I listen as the rabbi recites the Kaddish but, it makes it even harder to hear when I can hear Josh's voice at his mother's funeral as he ran me through the moving words and I barely register that the honor guard steps back and slowly lower the coffin into the deep dark hole.
I don't realise that the tears are streaming down my cheeks until Jamie and Molly both put their arms around me as my legs start to shake. Death may be an eternal sleep but I'm not ready to commit him to the ground.
"He's not...he shouldn't!" I murmur.
"We've gotta let him go Dad, it's alright. You can have some time alone with him if you want." Jamie whispers reassuringly. Until now I haven't really let myself go but now the tears cascade down my eyes. After the final prayer is recited, Jamie steps to the graveside and gently shovels a small amount of earth onto the coffin, followed by Molly who holds Claudy in her arms. I crouch beside the grave and pick up a handful of earth.
"Goodbye, my sweet Joshua, sleep well now." I let the earth fall from my hand and it lands with a dull thud onto the coffin. Vaguely I can hear words spoken in my ear and firm hands lifting me up and helping me to get stiffly to my feat. I turn my back on his coffin and straighten my back and walk back to our seats glad that we asked for privacy from the TV, as the tears continue to stream down my cheeks.
TBC