A/N

Sorry for the delay! Man, I was on a role with updates, too… Justanotherfangirl, I hope this will make you and your friend feel better! And to a certain anon, I say, your comment was tasteful and constructive. Thank you. Sorry there's not much interaction for Ivan and Toris this time.

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Toris awake the morning of his day off to a strange feeling of relief. Sure he needed a break from work, but that wasn't it. He liked going to class, but it wasn't that either. No, his relief was something else entirely. Last night, he'd shared one of his deepest secrets with someone. Only four living people knew this secret, five now, and that was one too many. Some days his back would ache, phantom pains, whenever he thought too much about him. He could get lost inside his memories and wish never to crawl back out again. So you see, he could understand a lot about Ivan.

Ivan chose to stay inside his own mind so much that he stayed in the hospitals instead of getting better. He couldn't face his memories and so he ran from them. Toris chose his schooling, his brothers, and his job over his misery. He'd even moved to another country to escape it! It wasn't without a sense of guilt, but it was much better than the alternative. The last thing that Toris wanted was to end up like his father, or, his mother. He didn't know which was worse. The ceiling he was staring at had become a familiar scene for Toris these past few weeks. Before that he was always jumping out of bed so fast that he had never noticed it. The subtle cracks and chips of paint, and a warped spot over in the corner near the bathroom from water damage. He'd complained about it once, but the landlord never did anything about it.

It was easier to stare than it was to think, easier for his emotional state. His hand drifted down to his inner thigh, feeling the slightly raised line there. It was about four inches long, a paler color than the skin around it. His mistake, the only one he had ever made like that. Toris wished that it didn't exist, as much as he wished that the scars on his back would hurry up and heal. He didn't want to see them, didn't want to fear them, and most importantly, didn't want to feel them. And yet a part of him felt like they were already gone. Someone had seen his scars and offered no pity or guilty stares. No, he'd… Ivan had kissed them. It had been embarrassing, but even now he could feel those warm lips on his back. It was a world better than the pain which could accompany thinking about them.

Toris knew it wasn't healthy, these new feelings for Ivan, but he no longer cared. That wasn't to say that he was being blind. Ivan was still dangerous, and the questions surrounding the fire that took his father's life were one of the biggest issues. If Ivan had killed someone… Not even that, if he was capable of killing someone, Toris didn't know what to think. Toris had hated his father, but he never would have killed him. Yet it had been impossible to leave without his brothers and his mother. If his father had not died, he might not be here now. What would he have done to escape that life? The more that Toris thought about it the more that he found himself frightened of his own thoughts. Being around Ivan was causing this, yet he couldn't give him up. It felt too good. And it wasn't hurting anyone…

Toris threw back the covers at last, sitting up to swing his legs over the side of his bed. Running his fingers through his hair, he got up to take a shower before he had to go to class. If only the warm water could wash away more than physical dirt and grime. The only thing that seemed to bring him peace anymore was spending time with his brothers, going to class, or being with Ivan. But those three things seemed to conflict with each other, and so he had to concentrate on each one separately for his peace to even out.

Class went smoothly for Toris this time. He'd grabbed some toast and juice before he left home, so he didn't look quite so tired today. All that he thought about while Berwald spoke was what was being taught. One thing at a time, he had told himself. For the most part it worked, except that everything new that he learned he immediately wanted to put to use. This led to thoughts of his job, and the patients that he worked with. Not only Ivan, but the others as well. He'd like to speak to Berwald some time about a few of them, but to tell the truth he was a little intimidated by the Swede.

After class Toris met with Tino for a late lunch, even though Toris knew he should get home as soon as he could. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, or Kūčios as his tradition called it. He'd have to get home and cook so that he could eat it with his brothers before he went to work. And that night was an overnight, too. He also worked on Christmas… Toris' luck wasn't very good on those terms this year. Previously he'd been able to take the days off and really cook and enjoy his time with his brothers. He just hoped they weren't too upset about it. Eduard had already taken on the more English customs of not celebrating in the traditional sense, but Raivis still liked to.

"How's the job?" Tino asked as he chewed on some of his salted licorice. Toris looked up from his plate of overcooked cafeteria macaroni.

"Oh, it's… Challenging. But I do enjoy it so far. I'm learning a lot on my feet, you know?"

"I bet! I'd love to get a job like that, but I need the better pay from the one I have already. Once I get my Associates I'm going into counseling while I continue schooling." Tino smiled, sitting back in his chair.

"That's a good plan. Unfortunately Kirkland Institute doesn't have anything like normal counseling, and I really can't see myself leaving them. But maybe I could make it a part time thing…" He chewed his lower lip a bit. Tino gave a small laugh.

"With that job? You'd never be home! It's over 40 hours isn't it? Come on, you'd have to choose one. Don't they have a program for Associates?" One eyebrow rose.

"Mm, not really. For the psychologists and psychiatrists the entry level is a Bachelors. They're pretty high end. I admit it's a bit intimidating sometimes. I'm pretty sure the doctors I've met are all Masters or have doctorates. Though they definitely give me something to look up to!"

"Still, an Associates as an orderly? I wouldn't be able to do that. I want to jump right in to helping people. Oh, not that you're not helping people!" Tino added quickly, "I just mean for me! Um, did that come out right?" He frowned slightly, but Toris laughed it off.

"It's alright, I understand what you mean. And sometimes I'm not really sure myself. I like to think that I'm making a difference for the patients that I work with, but in the end I can't really advise them or anything. It's a learning experience more than anything. I was told that there's a possibility of an actual internship if I pull this year off as an orderly though. If that happens, I can somewhat shadow the doctors there." It only made him nervous to think about it. Yao seemed to have it out for him sometimes, though Antonio was so nice. Arthur was very critical, too, so Toris felt as if he'd have to do extra good to earn such a position. Tino looked excited for him. At least someone had faith in Toris' abilities…

"I know you can do it! You're one of the nicest people that I know, Toris! How can you mess up taking care of patients? You don't even have to advise them, like you said. Just watch and learn while taking care of them. You passed your test for giving out medication right? Handing out medicine and watching them, then." Oh how simple it sounded when you put it like that. It had been just over a week now though, and this job was anything but simple. Missing from that description was the chance of injury, the difficult patients, and the stress from every orderly wanting to do their own separate things. He'd explained away his wrist to Tino briefly, and the other hadn't asked much more about it. Tino respected privacy like that, which is why Toris was so comfortable without him.

"Sorry, I'm totally late!" Came a voice from beside them as a tray clattered down onto the table. A salad with a side of apple sauce, and a bottle of water following. Looks like someone was on a vegetarian kick once again… Feliks plopped down into his chair as he picked up his water, twisting off the cap. His faded jeans and baggy t-shirt which hung off one shoulder was topped off today with fancy boots and a gray beret. Toris and Tino both gave welcoming smiles, though the latter went back to his licorice.

"We were just talking about my job and my plans when I get my Associates. I want to work towards the next level of internship but I need only the best behavior and grades…" Toris explained. Feliks smiled smugly, taking a drink of his water. Setting it down, Toris was struck with a bad feeling just before his friend spoke up.

"Better not let any patients kiss you then." He said with a laugh. Tino choked on his snack as Toris' face turned a little pale, glancing his direction. Before he could even speak, the Finn recovered enough to gasp,

"What?" He turned light blue eyes on the mortified man sitting between his two friends. Toris shook his head, lifting his hands in defense.

"It's not like he makes it sound! I-it was an accident, and-!"

"How the heck is a kiss an accident? He tripped and fell onto your mouth?" Feliks raised an eyebrow as he stabbed at his salad. Toris shot a glare in his direction, never wishing so much that there was a mute button for his dear childhood friend. "Really Toris, if it was nothing then why are you acting like its some big secret?" The blond pushed, still smiling as he took a bite of his salad.

"I-it's not, but it's not a joking matter either! I could lose my job over something like that!" Toris stressed with a lowered voice. Tino frowned.

"But they kissed you without permission, right? Why didn't you report it or something? Like your wrist, you can't control everything they do. I'm sure they'd understand…"

"It's too late for that now. It was days ago and besides, I didn't want to get him into trouble or anything. He got into enough trouble from this." He indicated his wrist. It was Feliks' turn to choke.

"What?" He coughed. "That bastard is the same one who hurt your wrist? Totes, you need to tell someone! He's clearly harassing you!"

"He's not harassing me, he's just lonely!" Toris argued. Tino's eyes widened a little.

"He?" The Finn repeated. Feliks carried on anyway.

"Listen Totes, just because you have some kind of a crush on this guy—!"

"I do not have a crush!" Toris' heart was racing now, and his face had regained its color. Unfortunately for him, that color was red. Tino fell quiet by this time, though he was looking a bit uncomfortable as the argument seemed to escalate between his two friends.

"Oh, right! You said he was attractive, and he wasn't a bad kisser!" Feliks was glaring back now. Toris' hands slammed down onto the table as he stood up, his chair grating against the floor as it was pushed back.

"Enough!" He shouted, drawing a few stares from around them. Gritting his teeth, he leaned down to pick up his bag. "I'm not discussing this anymore. I've got to get home and start on lunch for Kūčios tomorrow." He lifted his tray, and Feliks' expression changed.

"H-hey, don't go. I was just saying…"

"I know what you were saying, Feliks, and I don't appreciate it. I told you that in confidence, and you broke my trust. I'm only glad you said it to Tino, and I pray you haven't told anyone else!"

"I-I haven't! Like I would do that!" Feliks sounded hurt. Toris only kept his unhappy expression.

"How would I know that? You just blurted it out in the middle of public. If this got back to my job, I really could lose it! I would never forgive you if that happened! No, don't say anything else. I don't want to hear it right now; I really do have to get home." He glanced to Tino. "I'm sorry about this, really, but please keep this between us."

"O-of course, Toris." Tino nodded. At least he looked sincere.

"Toris…" Feliks was pouting now as his friend turned his back, leaving the table. Toris continued to walk, not looking back. As much as it hurt him to do it, he really couldn't deal with this right now. If he was going to compartmentalize everything, he couldn't mix his friends with his work. He couldn't mix much of anything with his work. And just whose fault was that?

Toris' chest hurt by the time he reached the market close to his house. It seemed to be impossible to forget about his work—ah, no. It was impossible to forget about Ivan, for even a day. He knew that he'd let himself get in far too deep. While he was at work he'd ceased to care about right and wrong, or even the chance of getting caught. He cared enough sure, but that didn't mean he could stop himself. Whenever he thought of the patients lips on his all he felt was peace. He'd never felt like this before, and he liked it. It was addictive, feeling this connection with someone. Toris only seemed to realize how wrong it really was when it was put so bluntly before him. If his brothers found out…

Oh, he was sure he knew what Eduard would say. He wouldn't even be surprised that it was a man, he would just tell Toris how dangerous that it was. He'd remind his brother that all of his hard work could fall away in an instant if he was caught. And it wasn't as if he was doing anything but kissing Ivan… If it was just a brief moment, like in the closet, he was sure they could explain it away as Ivan teasing him. Once. And while Yao knew that it was more than that, he cared too much about Ivan's welfare to tell. Antonio might frown at him if he knew, but he didn't think he would think any less of Toris. It was really Arthur that he was afraid of. The man was so by-the-book that he feared any small slight would cast him into a bad light.

When he had everything that he needed, Toris finally headed home. It was early evening now, and he'd have plenty of time to cook and relax. The traditional dinner was going to become breakfast, but at least he'd get to have it at all. Eduard and Raivis were waiting for him when he got home, and he put on a smile for them. Soon all three of them were cooking, though Eduard only helped in-between his homework assignments. They weren't due until the end of their Christmas break which began today, but ever the over-achiever he wanted to stay ahead. The way he put it, if he did the work now he could have his free time later. Raivis on the other hand wanted to wait until the last day to do his own homework.

Ivan awoke that Wednesday morning with a sense of purpose. He had a goal for today, a focus to move towards. It had been a long time since he'd had one of those. But Toris was worth trying for! He'd behaved himself a whole day for a kiss, but this was going to be a little more challenging. To get some good behavior chips, he was going to have to do more than just be good. He needed to help out, be nice, and participate without causing any trouble. He hated all of those things…

Breakfast came just after meds, which he had taken without complaint. With gritted teeth he offered to help clean up after everyone at the end of it, which Gilbert teased him for. Using Toris' suggested counting method, he managed not to punch the irritating German right in his smirking face. Nearing lunch time, he'd offered to help the female orderly Rita make the beds with the clean sheets being brought up. Alfred heckled him during lunch, and Ivan had broken three plastic forks in an effort not to stab the infuriating American. Again, he helped clean up. By this time word of his good behavior had gotten around to Yao, who bumped up his scheduled appointment with Ivan by a while.

Sitting in the ornately decorated office, Ivan let his violet eyes wander the room. There was almost always something new here amongst the many trinkets and books. Amidst the more traditional jade dragons and cork cut-out scenes behind glass there were several cute figures from Japanese—or were they Chinese?—cartoons. Yao didn't like to talk about them but whenever Ivan brought them up he loved to watch the doctor's face turn red. He'd say they were his brothers or something, and then quickly move on to another topic. There was a new little figure sitting on the edge of his desk today. A white cat with clothing made of brightly painted plastic. Ivan lifted it carefully, turning it over in his fingers. The door opened behind him, Yao stepping in to close it after him.

"Put that down." The doctor said with a frown, moving over to snatch the little toy. Ivan only smiled, sitting back in his plush chair and getting comfortable. Yao moved back behind the desk, replacing the toy before he could continue. "You going to tell me what going on?" He asked, one finely shaped black brow raising. Ivan tilted his head as he covered his mouth with his scarf, and therefore his smile.

"What ever do you mean, Yao?" He asked, raising his own blond brow. Yao narrowed his eyes, sitting down in his leather chair.

"Don't play with me. Why so good today?"

"You're not happy?" Ivan looked hurt. "I thought you would be proud. I've gotten two good behavior chips!" His voice pleaded, but his eyes were still smiling. Yao frowned, not amused or swayed.

"Ivan, you up to something. I am happy, but still suspicious. If you stay like this, I will be happy." He admitted, picking up his pen and jotting a few things down. "This have to do with Toris?"

"What makes you think that?" Ivan asked. Again a dark brow rose as equally dark eyes lifted from the paper.

"Everything good has to do with Toris for you."

"That's very kind of you! He'll be happy to hear you think so highly of him." Ivan chuckled. "Does it matter if it has to do with him? If I'm behaving then you, as my doctor, should say 'good job', right?" Yao still frowned, stubborn to give in, but he gave a small sigh.

"Good job, Ivan." He said hesitantly. Just as Ivan smiled he continued. "But I watch you carefully." Lifting his pen again, his eyes fell to the paper. "Why you tell Toris about your father?" He asked suddenly. Ivan's smile fell, and he frowned.

"Who told you that?" He demanded. Yao didn't look up.

"Then it true? I heard you got disruptive in group; spoke in Russian. I think you talk about father. How much did you tell?" Now he looked up.

"Not much." Ivan admitted, giving a shrug. "That he was a cold, old bastard. That he hit moy dorogaya mat', and my sisters and I." His fingers played with his scarf. "About the music box…" Yao was writing as Ivan spoke.

"Why did you tell him that?"

"I don't know. When I talk about father I hear it sometimes. When I see fire, I hear it. I hear it in the dark, too. I started sleeping with my light on again, but then I only see the fire under the door…" Ivan tugged a length of his scarf between his hands now.

"Under father's door?"

"Ah-ah!" Ivan smiled. "Thought you could catch me, da?" Ivan chuckled again. "I have nothing new to say to you." Yao slammed his pen down.

"It been three years, Ivan! It time to tell me, do you not think?" Even as he asked he knew the answer, so he continued. "I'm tired of half-truth. I want help you, but you so stubborn! He not can help you, Ivan! He not qualified." Now Ivan frowned, tensing defensively.

"Maybe I don't need someone qualified. Maybe I need someone to understand."

"I understand! You at wall, Ivan. I do everything for you. I keep you from Level Two, I give medicine to make calm, to sleep. I talk with Arthur for hours. I give you new clothes, watch you bathe—three years I watch you bathe!" Yao's voice didn't raise, but it became frustrated. Ivan was still frowning, tugging at that length of scarf. "It getting close, you will get worse. This time let me help!"

"There's nothing you can do. I've already made up my mind."

"To stay here forever?" Yao challenged. "You not belong here! Eight years too long, you not see this? This no life for anyone." He was frowning, lifting the pen to chew on the end. Ivan averted his violet eyes, his expression hard.

"Where I don't belong is out there. I'm safe in here. They're safe if I'm here." He argued. Yao pulled the pen away from his mouth.

"They… Your sisters?" The doctor made a note without waiting for an answer. "They miss you."

"They don't." He shook his head.

"They send gifts every year." Yao reminded. Ivan smiled.

"Hahaha… They're bribes to keep me here." He mused, glancing back to Yao.

"Why you say such things? Natalya, she writes you." At that Ivan gave a noticeable shudder. This was nothing new, so Yao paid it no mind. "She love you."

"But dorogaya Katya, she is afraid of me." He reminded.

"Because she think you dangerous."

"I am." Ivan frowned as if to challenge Yao to disagree. Yao didn't back down, standing up and walking around to the front of the desk. He stopped in front of Ivan's chair.

"By choice."

"Not always. Sometimes, I can't help myself."

"Like when you hurt Toris?" Now Ivan's expression fell. His eyes turned to the floor.

"…Yes."

"You not want to hurt him anymore. To do that, you must get better, yes?" Yao asked, reaching out to take a hold of Ivan's chin. He lifted it up, looking into his eyes. Ivan resisted a little, his expression somewhat lost. He knew that Yao was trying to help him, and he knew that he was right. But if he got better, it meant he would have to leave. They were both quiet for a long moment, before Ivan finally spoke.

"I don't want to hurt Toris." He affirmed. Yao frowned.

"You not supposed to hurt anyone. That how you get better." He stated, letting go of his patient's chin. "You think you can have Toris while here? If you care, you get better." Yao set his hands on his hips as he leaned back against the desk. He honestly couldn't believe that he was using someone as bait to try and get his patient to want to get better, but after three years did he really have a choice? Ivan's eyes drifted down again, as if without that hand he couldn't keep them up. There was another option, but he wouldn't tell Yao that. He could have Toris without leaving this place, being out there and letting them down. He could still protect them from here and be happy. Yao shook his head, giving a sigh of exasperation. "I not know how much more I can take, Ivan. Three years, I stay your doctor. Soon, Arthur give me a date. If you not improve by then…"

"I will show improvement then. What do you think I'm doing today?" Ivan smiled. Yao frowned still, pointing his finger.

"This serious." He stressed.

"I am serious. I always am." Ivan chuckled, no longer tugging his scarf in stress. "I will show improvement, and he will be so grateful that he doesn't have to pay anymore workman's compensation that he'll forget all about little me." Now he was twirling the end of the scarf around in circles.

"Get better. Not just pretend."

"I will." Ivan promised with the smile of an angel. Yao gave up, tossing his hands into the air.

"I care Ivan. I really care. But I can only take so much! This is last warning for you, please mark my words." The doctor's expression was grim. He wanted to believe in his patient, really he did. But he had to face that Ivan really didn't have the best track record for keeping his promises or telling the truth. Not even the mention of Toris seemed to sway him like he thought it would have. Ivan was still terrified of getting out, and in three years, he still didn't know why. He had his suspicions though… Ivan stood up then, brushing off his clothes.

"Are we done? I really should get to activities. I was going to help Antonio clean up after that, too! Surely he'll give me another chip, don't you think?" He turned his back on the doctor before Yao even had a chance to answer. His hand was on the door before he called out after him.

"Ivan… You will never change until you honest with self first."

"Mm. I got it, Doc." The door clicked as he opened it, leaving before anything else could be said.

Wednesday night, just as Toris was settling in for an early bedtime, his cell phone rang. He frowned at the caller ID, his thumb hovering over the end call button for several rings. Switching over to the answer, he lifted the phone to his ear. "Alio."

"Atsiprasau! Totes, I'm so so so sorry! I really didn't mean to bring it up like that in front of Tino! You know I would never do anything that would hurt you, right? I mean Tino would never say anything! I was just worried about you and I was afraid you might be in trouble. You used to tell me everything, and now I feel like I have no idea what's going on with you! Even when I saw you the other day you just kind of hung around when we watched stuff and I think even your brothers are noticing." Feliks only stopped for a breath, but Toris cut him off.

"Feliks. It's alright."

"No, it's not! I was being childish, and I lashed out at you just because I didn't want to face the fact that we were growing apart."

"Hey, it's not like that…" Toris protested. Feliks sighed.

"No, let me finish. We are growing apart, Toris. I mean, we've both changed since we came here. I just didn't want to admit it at first. I just kept on going with my life, and I admit, I thought you would never go anywhere. I left you behind while I made friends, thinking that you would just stay still. We both had school, but you studied so much that I got bored. I found other things to do. But Toris, I never wanted to grow apart from you!"

"F-Feliks, I didn't think…"

"I know you didn't! That's because you're too good to do something like forget about an old friend. No matter how I treated you, you've always stayed with me. You still know everything about me, but I know nothing about you! You told me about what happened because you trusted me, and I…" He sniffed. "I broke that trust."

"Are you crying?" Toris frowned, worried. Feliks sniffed again, giving a small laugh.

"That's why I love you, Toris."

"…Ką? Ah, what?" Toris felt his face go pale.

"I did something horrible to you, and you're still worried about me."

"I-it's not that big of a deal, Feliks. Listen, I forgive you alright? S-so don't go saying things like…"

"I meant it!" Feliks urged. "I didn't understand it until today. When you said that guy kissed you and you liked it I was so confused. When I lashed out today I realized I was jealous. Toris, I want to…"

"Ne." Toris spoke before his friend was even finished.

"Why not!"

"Y…you're too late, Feliks." Toris sat down heavily on his bed, falling back into it. He stared up at the ceiling just as he had that morning, his head spinning and his heart heavy. "I'm in love with someone else." The phone went dead for a long, long moment. Just when he was starting to think that Feliks hung up, there was a small laugh.

"I get it. I'm sorry, that was so random! I don't know what I was thinking. Seriously, forget I said anything! Haha, so, when do I get to meet him?" Feliks' voice was cheerful, but it was still broken by sniffs here and there. Toris turned onto his side, curling up as he stared out towards his window.

"You can't." He said bluntly. Feliks was quiet for another few seconds.

"Oh. He's a secret then? Aaah, my little Toris is all grown up! Alright then, I'll wait until you're ready. But if he ever breaks your heart—!"

"I'll tell you all about it if that happens." Toris promised. "Feliks, I have to go to bed now…"

"Oh, that's right. I forgot all about Kūčios! Have a great dinner, er, breakfast-lunch type thing tomorrow! Do you… think I could drop by on Saturday? You're off then, right?"

"Of course. I'd like that. We can catch up, huh?" Toris' voice was quiet, and he barely concentrated on what he was saying. Feliks sounded happier now.

"Cool! It's a date then! Ciao Totes!" Click.

Toris held the phone up to his ear for some time after the call had ended. He listened to nothing but the silence, which was almost a physical sound right now. The steady sound of his own breathing was even louder in his ears, and the feel of his heart beating heavily within his chest. I'm in love with someone else. He'd said it out loud this time. It was spur of the moment, he'd panicked! He didn't know how else to let Feliks down. It wasn't that he didn't love his friend, but he had never had those kind of feelings towards him. Feliks was like another brother to him. A pushy, childish, sometimes selfish brother. In fact, he had a lot in common with Ivan. Except that Feliks wasn't… damaged.

Toris didn't want to fix Ivan. He wanted to relate. To discover the extent of the Russian's damage, and to admit his own. Selfish, he told himself. Ivan isn't you. And yet, he could be. If things had gone differently, if he hadn't suddenly been freed by a stroke of luck… If God's hand hadn't reached down to collect his father when it had… Toris' free hand rose up as he dropped the phone, fingers tangling into his bangs as he rolled onto his back. Oh, God… "I love him." He whispered. He needed to. Only someone just as damaged as he was could possibly fill this … emptiness.

"I won't become my mother." He swore to the empty room. Tears stung at the corners of his eyes, slipping free to wet the hair at his temples. "I am strong. I will beat this. I'll love him until he loves himself." His insanity will keep me sane.