From the episode 'the big day'. What I imagine is going through Connie's head, her thoughts and feelings.

She was never the victim, she was Connie Beauchamp and she was never the victim but Steph Simms had made her one. Her kindness, compassion and desire to protect those that couldn't protect themselves had made her and her daughter a target.

Her mighty walls had failed, all her defences she'd spent a lifetime erecting couldn't protect the one person she couldn't live without. There was nothing else for it, she'd build them thicker, taller and stronger, a castle for two.

She wouldn't be weak, she wouldn't let them see her licking her wounds or the vultures would circle. Sharks would swim from miles around at the slightest sniff of blood, she refused to let anyone take her crown. She IS Connie Beauchamp with claws, teeth and mask to cover a thousand scars. She will show them, she'll show Steph Simms and anyone one else that chooses to doubt, she'd come back fighting, tougher than ever.

She'd convinced herself she was ready to face work, why wouldn't she be? Work was what she did best. Work was safe, where she had control, she could be clinical lead, she could be an island. Not Connie the victim but the strong unwavering force, the voice of authority, the unapproachable professional clinical lead. Confident that no one would ask about her wellbeing, she could forget, for just a few hours she could not be the woman silently praying by her daughters bedside.

She didn't account for all the sympathetic glances that were thrown her way or for the fact that people wouldn't believe her. She was ready for work, she'd convinced herself, why not them?

She was angry and red was the only colour she could see. It wasn't personal when she tore a strip of someone, just for them to be in her vicinity made them fare game.

She had to fight, she couldn't not. There was a tiny voice in the back of her mind telling her to listen, that they may have a point, that her judgement had been clouded and she shouldn't have taken that father's word as gospel. But it didn't shout loud enough, she refused to hear it or them. She wouldn't accept reason or sympathy and I certainly wouldn't accept that she was wrong.

Elle gardener had no right to back her into a corner, she wouldn't stand for it. This is what she was built for, the fight and she had a passion for it. Like a wild animal defending its territory, snarling and lashing out with freshly sharpened claws that shone in the sun. She would not back down.

Elle was wrong in her eyes and he was wrong for standing in her corner. She was hurting Jacob and knew it, she could see it all over his face but she couldn't stop. She felt powerful for the first time in weeks and she didn't want to stop. It felt like winning, like she was back on top, she was strong enough to stand by herself, she didn't need support, not from elle and not from Jacob.

The trouble with anger, it makes you blind, tunnel visioned. If she was calmer, if she was willing to see reason she would probably have been able to see what they were trying to say, that they were in fact looking out for her. That Jacob, for as much as she'd ignored him, he was still there ready to catch her, she just needed to say the word.

As she sat with her daughter yet again, hiding from the world, hiding from herself, she knew that this time she'd pushed him to far. She tried to remember her words, she'd been that fuelled by rage the whole encounter seemed like an out of body experience. It wouldn't surprise her if he thought they were over, maybe he wanted them to be over, she couldn't blame him. She knew there was only so much rejection one person could take.

Grace opened her eyes and there's only one person she wants to tell... She can't believe he came running...he shouldn't have but he did...

She makes a silent promise to herself, never to push him away again, Jacob deserves better, but she knows how she can be and she knows she's made the same promise several times before.

She hopes this time is different.

Not sure about this...just some rambling thoughts. Hope you like.

Xxx